The world is silent
by lady-lunastar
Summary: Set during season one-A hostage situation at a school for the Deaf brings back an old friend for Reid. Can he let go of a past hurt to save her? Reid/OC. Will start from season one to current season
1. Opening

The world is silent

By Lady Lunastar

Notes-Set in season one, after Somebody's Watching. All research and info about being Deaf and

Schools for the Deaf come from the Internet. If the information is incorrect please let me know. I do not own Criminal Minds, if I did I would be filthy rich and we could have skipped the whole 'Emily is dead and JJ is gone' series.

Prelude

"Just put the gun and let the girl go!" shouted Morgan. The Un-Sub pushed the gun harder into Catherine's temple. Reid locked eyes with Catherine and tried to reassure her.

"It's going to be alright." Catherine shook her head no, her eyes went back to the gun and than back to him.

"He's going to kill me."

"Stop acting like I'm not here!" snapped the Un-Sub.

"We know you're here man...let the girl go and we'll talk," said Morgan. Reid put his gun down and started walking towards the Un-sub and Catherine.

"Reid!" called Morgan.

"You...you get back...stay back. I'll do it!" ordered the Un-sub.

"Let's just talk about this. It's not her you want to hurt. You're angry, I know that, but it's not with her. It's what she represents," said Reid.

"You tell me what she represents?"

"Belonging. She fits into a world that you can't be apart of anymore. You don't belong in her world, you don't belong in our world. You're stuck, alone, no one with you anymore. You're jealous of her, the school and students. They belong and you don't," said Reid and signed to Catherine so she could understand him.

"I don't care about her!" spat the Un-sub. His grip on Catherine tighten and his hand started to shake.

"You miss the silence. This world isn't what you thought it was going to be," said/signed Reid.

"They promised...they would still be my friends."

"They lied to you, she didn't. Just let her go now," said Reid.

"I can't do that." The Un-sub moved to the pull the trigger when Morgan took the shot. It missed Catherine by two inches and took out the Un-Sub's ear. He screamed, dropped the gun and held his ear. Reid quickly moved and got the gun away from the Un-Sub.

"Catherine...Catherine, look at me," signed Reid. She was pale and shaking.

"He...he killed Sandy...he shot a kid...oh god is she ok?" asked Catherine.

"She's fine, we got her out in time." Morgan was getting the medics for the Un-Sub and he looked over at Reid.

"She going to be ok?" Catherine slumped down to the ground.

"She's going into shock," said Reid sitting down next to her. "Catherine, look at me...take deep breaths. It's ok now."

Morgan looked over at Reid, he was huddled close to her. One hand was holding hers and the other resting on her back. _Oh pretty boy has it bad for her, not that I blame him, she's kind of cute in a __nerdy way._

The medics came over to Reid and Catherine.

"She needs to come with us sir." Catherine looked at Reid and he signed to her.

"You need to go with them." Morgan watched her sign something to him. "I'll meet you there, ok." Catherine shook her head and followed the medics. Reid stood up and went over to Morgan.

"So when are you going to tell me the full story about you and her?" asked Morgan.

"Later," said Reid walking towards the car.

"Can't wait to hear it."

…...

Gideon was already waiting at the hospital when Reid finally got there.

"How long have you been here?" asked Reid.

"Awhile. I was meeting with the parents of Brittany Wayne. She came out of surgery ok. We were lucky."

"Yeah," said Reid.

"I also spoke to your friend, Catherine. She's very nice."

"You 'spoke' with her?" asked Reid.

"The interpreter here is very good." Reid nodded.

"What did you talk about?"

"You."

"Of course." Gideon looked at the young agent and shook his head.

"If not for her actions that little girl would have died."

"I know," said Reid.

"She trusted in you and because of that it saved a lot of lives," said Gideon. Reid fiddled with his watch. "I think you miss her." Reid looked at him. "You haven't spoken to her in almost three years and yet she still came looking for you and she trusted you enough to save those children."

"She was always a better friend than me," said Reid.

"I think she needs a friend now." Gideon looked down the hall, Catherine was filling out her release papers and she looked at Reid than back to her release forms.

"Has she been interviewed yet?" asked Reid.

"We only talked about you," said Gideon. Reid shouldered his bag and walked towards her.

"Catherine, I...um...we have to ask you some questions about what happened at the school," signed Reid.

"I'm really tired Spencer. I just really wanna go home now, please." She pulled at a strand of her dark brown hair. Reid took her hand.

"Maybe, I just wanna talk to you."


	2. Part one

Part one

1991

"So you're really going to high school?" asked Catherine.

"My mom thinks it's a good idea...I'll finish school faster, I might actually learn something." His mom and the teachers had decided to place him in 10th grade. In two years he would be on to college. When he had asked his mom what was going to happen to Catherine, since she was almost on par with his test scores. The school had told Catherine's father that due to Catherine's 'disability' they didn't have the funds or the teachers to work with her. She would not be moving forward with him.

"But we can still hang out after school," signed Spencer.

"I know that, I'm just going to miss you. Besides you're not the only one going." Spencer looked at her confused.

"What do you mean?"

"With you leaving the school and the high school here not being able to meet my needs, my dad and grandma have decided that I should go to a new school. One for...you know...kids like me."

"A school for the deaf?" asked Spencer.

"Yeah. I'll still be in the same grade, but I'll be with the other weirdos," signed Catherine.

"You're not a weirdo." Spencer kicked a clump of dirt. "At least you're going to fit in. I'm going into a public high school with an IQ of 187. Should I put the kick me sign on me now or wait till I'm shoved in a locker?"

"They're just going to be jealous of you."

"You sound like my mom," joked Spencer.

"How is she?" Spencer kicked another clump of dirt. "Has she tried calling your dad again?"

"He hasn't returned any calls in almost two weeks, not since the letter came."

"I'm sorry," signed Catherine.

"I'm not...he's weak." She shook her head and pushed herself on the swing.

"If you need anything you can ask my grandma or dad."

"Yeah, thank you. Hey come on one more game." Catherine sighed.

"You've beat me the last ten times we've played chess. Give me a game of Candyland and I'll beat you."

"You know the odds of you beating me at Candyland are..."

"Blah, blah, blah," signed Catherine. "Come on, I'll let you beat me again." They went over to the chess boards and Spencer beat her four times until Catherine's grandmother came and picked them up. They got in the backseat and Catherine signed.

"Who knows maybe I'll finally find someone who I can beat at chess."

"Sure you will."

2006

"Miss, can I help you?" asked Morgan. She seemed lost and was reading the elevator sign intently. She was tiny, barely topping 5'4. Her brown hair was pulled back into a neat ponytail and pale skin. She was wearing a knee length black skirt with a gray sweater. She didn't turn around. Morgan tapped her shoulder and she looked up at him surprised.

"Can I help you?" he repeated. She bit her lip, reached into her purse and pulled out a business card.

"Catherine Dueringer: Columbia School for the Deaf: World Languages," Morgan read out loud and than looked back down at the young lady who was grinning.

"You can't hear me..." Morgan said to himself. She pulled out a small notebook and pen. She wrote quickly and handed Morgan a note.

"I'm very poor with lip reading so if you wouldn't mind passing notes with me it might make everything easier. I'm looking for Dr. Spencer Reid. I was told he worked here." Morgan raised an eyebrow. He motioned for them to get into the elevator and pulled out a pen. He wrote back on the piece of paper.

"I work with Dr. Reid. We're getting ready to head out on a case, but I'm sure he could spare a few minutes. How do you know Reid?" The elevator let them off just as he handed the note back. She took out a fresh piece of paper and wrote back.

"We knew each other a long time ago. I just moved back into the city a few weeks ago and I thought I would just try to catch him here." Morgan skimmed the note and showed her into the bull pen. _Why not outside of the office, but than again we work some many hours she probably couldn't catch him at home to save her life. Still...why here._ Morgan pointed to where Reid was sitting and she nodded at him, she mouthed the words 'Thank you' and walked over to where Reid was sitting. Reid was looking through a file when she tapped him on the shoulder.

Morgan watched Reid look up and saw several different emotions filter over his face. _ Happiness, shock, sadness...why the sad face pretty boy. _Reid stood up and hugged the young woman carefully, she hugged him back harder. He watched them 'talk' back and forth and Morgan was somehow not surprised that Reid knew sign language.

"Hey briefing starts in five minutes," said J.J. "What's going on?" Morgan nodded his head over at Reid and Catherine.

"Pretty boy really likes the quite types." J.J looked over and saw the silent conversation taking place.

"She's cute...Reid ever mention her to you?" asked J.J.

"Until now I thought Reid didn't know girls existed. You know what they're saying?" asked Morgan. J.J rolled her eyes.

"My high school didn't even offer Spanish, you think they teach us sign language. Besides it's between them." J.J went up to the conference room. Morgan palmed the business card and headed upstairs, if J.J wasn't going to help him maybe someone else would be up to the challenge.

…...

Reid was finishing up the last of the paperwork when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up and felt his breath catch in his throat. It had been close to three years since he had seen her, but she looked just the same.

"I'm sorry just to surprise you like this, but I lost your address. No one else seem to have it." Reid stood up and hugged her lightly. She stood on her tip toes and hugged him back hard.

"I missed you," signed Catherine.

"Are you in town for a couple days?" asked Spencer.

"Actually I got a job here...well not here. In town I mean, in the D.C area." She pulled out a business card. He skimmed it quickly, he had heard good things about the Columbia School of the Deaf wasn't surprised that they hired her.

"World Languages? Which ones are you teaching?" He couldn't help but feel a little proud of how far she had come.

"Right now just French. They already have someone for Spanish and Latin, but they're working with me on finishing my Japanese certification."

"Wow...I'm impressed."

"That takes a lot of effort," joked Catherine. He felt himself sip into a place he hadn't been to in years. He quickly stuffed the card in his pocket and arranged his face to be blank.

"So what are you doing here?" She seemed taken back by the change and bit the inside of her cheek.

"I just...I wanted to see if maybe we could get together sometime when you're not busy. Catch up...it's been a long time."

"Maybe, I won't be able to this week. We just got a case and I actually have to go now so..."

"Oh yeah, I'm sorry that I just showed up like this. I should get going anyway. I have unpack to do. I start teaching tomorrow so maybe we can try for this weekend?"

"Yeah maybe. I'll see you later." Catherine nodded and waved good bye. Reid looked down at the business card. _Catherine Dueringer_. Before she left the pen Reid caught up with her.

"You kept your maiden name?" he asked. The look on her face was one of surprise and hurt.

"I...we're divorced now. Thought you knew." Before Reid could say anything Elle tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey come on JJ wants to start the briefing."

"I'll see you later," signed Catherine before walking away. Elle looked between Reid and the back of the retreating women and smirked.

"Come on doctor let's go." Reid shook his head and followed Elle to the briefing room.

…...

"All hail me the goddess of information," answered Garcia.

"Oh baby you know I worship at your alter," said Morgan. Garcia laughed.

"What can I do for you sweet cheeks? I thought you're case was closed." The case was closed and they were getting ready to head home.

"Oh I need your help with a little side project. Can you find me all the info you can on a Catherine Dueringer?"

"You now have me researching your potential dates?" asked Garcia.

"It's not for me."

"Oh really...are we playing matchmaker." teased Garcia.

"Between you and me, it's for Reid," said Morgan. He pulled the phone away from his ear has she squealed.

"Oh you're so sweet to set Reid up with one of your rejects."

"She's not one of my rejects. No one rejects me. I think this one is just for Reid and I'm curious about her."

"You're such a good big brother. Give me an hour and I'll give you her whole life story when you get back."

"Oh my goddess thank you."

"Any time my faithful one." Garcia hung up and Morgan smirked. He hadn't forgotten his little side project. They had a three hour plane ride home, Morgan decided to see what he could get out of Reid before they landed.

Morgan pulled out Catherine's business card and looked at Reid.

"So...she was kind of cute." Reid looked up from his book but said nothing.

"How does one teach world languages at a school for the deaf?"

"A language is more than just speaking it, you have to know how to read it, write it, the culture of the country, the history..." Reid trailed off and looked at Morgan. "Nice try."

"What?"

"You know I have a personal life outside of this job and she is none of your business," said Reid.

"Testy. So it's cool if I ask her out?"

"You want to talk her through an interpreter you have fun with that," said Reid with a smirk.

"Some times not talking is the best part." Reid's expression changed to super serious. "Just joking." The rest of the plane ride was uneventful, they were an hour away when JJ's phone went off.

"JJ...yes...oh my god." Her face went pale and she grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and started scribbling quickly. "We're an hour away. Of course...send us everything you have and we'll be on our way the moment we hit the ground." Hotch looked at her.

"What is it?"

"A guy just took a whole classroom for students at a school for the deaf hostage. They said shots were fired, but they can't tell us how many or if anyone was really injured. I assumed it was a no brainier that we would take the case," said JJ.

"Of course," said Gideon.

"What school?" asked Reid trying to remain calm.

" Columbia School for the Deaf," said JJ picking up the fax from the officer.

"Reid..." started Morgan.

"Not now," said Reid.

…...

"Shush, it's ok," signed Catherine. All the smaller children and the older girls were sobbing, the older boys were sitting there in a state of compete shock. Laura the front desk receptionist was sitting on the ground crying. The body of Sandy Carlton, the 1st grade teacher who brought her students in for Catherine to show them how to make crepes was laying on floor in front of the desk. The man stood over her with a gun clearly yelling. Catherine had trouble making out the words, but she had a feeling none of them were good. He pointed the gun at Catherine and motioned to the door. His mouth opened and closed rapidly.

"I don't understand you," signed Catherine.

"The door! Lock the damn door and shut them up," he signed and pointed the gun at the children.

"Alright, alright don't hurt them," signed Catherine. She got up and locked the door from the inside and left the key in. "Kids...kids...we all need to be quite now...just don't look at Ms. Carlton. Ok."

"I want my mommy," signed one of the younger girls.

"I know sweetie...just quite for now ok." She nodded and burried her face into her knees. Other students followed suit or looked away towards the wall.

"What do you want with us?" asked Laura. The man started pacing around the room, gun near his head, he was crying and talking to himself out loud not that Catherine could make any of it out.

"What does he want?" asked Catherine to Laura, her lip reading skills were much better than her own.

"He keeps saying 'They'll pay...they'll all pay for leaving me.'"

"You two shut up and move her,"he signed and pointed to Sandy. Catherine and Laura got up and moved Sandy into a closet. She almost looked like she was sleeping except for the wound to her head. Catherine fought back tears. She had only been here a week and Sandy had been really kind to her, they were supposed to go out for drinks tonight.

"Now open up the blinds!" Catherine had closed them since it was causing glare in the room. She opened them up and saw they parking lot was filled with cop cars, SWAT cars and TV reporters. The man with the gun came up behind her and placed the gun on her shoulder and leaned in close to her.

"They'll all learn a lesson today," signed the man.


	3. Part two

Part Two

"This is the size of a college campus. How many students does this school have?" asked Elle looking over a map over the campus.

"About four thousands students, not to mention teachers, support staff, ect," said JJ.

"Why so much in one space?" asked Elle.

"A lot of schools for the Deaf will combine primary, secondary, higher education and technical learning into one campus for a more defined sense of community and comfort for the student," said Reid. Morgan looked at him, but said nothing.

"Reid is right. The campus has buildings for an elementary school, a Jr and senior high school, a career center, dorms, a main office and other buildings for on campus living," said JJ.

"Did they get everyone out?" asked Gideon.

"The Un-Sub first hit the main office, according to witness statements he fired shots and took Laura Huron, the school's head receptionist hostage," said JJ. "After that they started trying to evacuate the buildings starting with the elementary building."

"He made it into the high school building though," said Hotch.

"They wanted to get the youngest students out first, they were the most at risk," said Gideon.

"Makes sense. Was anyone hurt in the in office?" asked Elle.

"Maggie Saty a student helper was hit in the leg, but the doctors think she's going to be ok," said JJ.

"Is the campus fulled evacuated?" asked Morgan.

"Everyone was able to get out other than our group," confirmed JJ.

"How many does he have hostage?" asked Reid. JJ and Gideon noticed Reid was tapping his foot, a nervous tick that presented itself when stressed or worried.

"It took them awhile to get a finally get a list," JJ clicked on a computer screen and bought up pictures. "They confirmed that Sandra Carlton had taken her 1st grade class over to the high school." Sandra had long blond hair and looked to be in her mid 20''s. "They were going to Catherine Dueringer's French class for an in school trip." They brought up Catherine's picture and Reid's foot tapping was now noticeable by Elle and Hotch.

"The 1st grade class is about twenty and the French class is about fifteen. So three adults and thirty five students in all," said JJ.

"Has he made any demands yet?" asked Elle.

"Not yet, they sat a cell phone outside the room but they had no response to their calls," said JJ.

"So what can we tell about this Un-Sub?" asked Gideon.

"He's organized, he knew what buildings to hit and where to head on campus," said Morgan.

"He might be Deaf himself," suggested Reid. "If he's controlling over 30 panicked people he needs some way to communicate with them."

"Lip reading?" asked Hotch.

"Only 30 percent of deaf people can actually read lips and that's if they're familiar with English as a spoken language and if they know the person," said Reid. Morgan looked at JJ who looked at Gideon. Reid ducked his head and went quite.

"So we're looking at someone who might have ties to Deaf Community. Clearly has a lot of rage, but it's focused," said Gideon.

"JJ have Garcia get a list of current and former employees of the school and see if any one has an issue with the school or the local Deaf Community," said Hotch. She nodded and called Garcia.

"We're landing in twenty minutes, I want everyone clam and focused. JJ can you also get us interpreters for when we get there," said Hotch.

"Most schools for the Deaf already have a staff of translators on hand for visors and speaking guest on campus. It helps the speaking people feel more comfortable when on campus," said Reid. The look was exchanged again between JJ, Morgan and Gideon.

"Have her also look into the families of the students and staff to see if anyone has any issues with the school," said Hotch. JJ related the list to requests to Garcia and hung up.

"We touch down in five and have cars waiting," said JJ. Reid adjusted himself in his seat and tried to remain calm. Morgan looked at him intently.

"You know a lot about schools for the Deaf," said Morgan. Reid bit his cheek, it was going to come out sooner or later.

"I used to visit her on campus. My mom's signing wasn't very good, so they always had a translator on hand just in case. My signing was always fine though," said Reid quietly.

"Reid..."

"I'm asking you to keep this quite for now, please," said Reid.

"Just keep your head in the game, alright," said Morgan. Reid nodded, Morgan got up and headed to the exit of the plane. Reid grabbed his bag and followed behind Morgan. _Focus...just focus on the case at hand._

…_..._

Someone had been at the door and something had been place there, Catherine wasn't sure what it was though. The students had all started sitting on the floor near the back wall, it was as far away from the door, the blood and the crazy man as possible. He had his back to them and was looking out the window. The young girl who had asked for her mother had curled up into a ball and had fallen into a fit full sleep. Laura was sitting next to her and looked over to her.

"Do you have any idea how we're going to get out of this?" she asked.

"I don't know...we should try to get the kids out of here first though," signed Catherine. Laura nodded.

"He has an implant. I'm not sure how well he can hear us," signed Catherine.

"So we're not sneaking up on him," signed Laura.

"It could get the kids hurt," signed Catherine and Laura nodded.

"There is something at the door. It could be a phone," said Laura.

"Maybe we should try talking to him," signed Catherine. Laura looked at her like she was crazy. Catherine stood up and moved away from the children.

"What are you doing! Sit back down!" he signed.

"I just wanna talk with you. The kids don't need to be here. Can we just let them out please?" asked Catherine.

"No we're all staying here! Sit back down!" Catherine sat down in a desk near him.

"Please. They're just children, they have nothing to do with what you're mad about." He rubbed his head and sat down.

"She cared about them more than me." _Sandy? _"She chose this over me." Catherine pointed to the door.

"Something is by the door. It could be for you." He stood up and kicked a desk across the room.

"Just shut up and leave me alone." Catherine went back to her spot against the wall. Laura just looked at her and frowned. Catherine sighed and went back to watching the young girl sleeping on the floor.

…_..._

"I'm JJ, these are special agents, Gideon, Morgan, Greenway, Hotch and Dr. Reid."

"I'm Captain Marcus Waller. Thank you very much for coming out here so quickly." The captain was an older man, tall and going bald. They followed him across the campus, it was like Reid remembered. Tall buildings with lots of trees and quad space. They followed him to a parking lot across from the high school.

"Secondary floor, third window to the right is where they are. We were going to post snipers on the roof behind us, but the glass is shatterproof. We have guys inside the building on the second floor. They heard yelling and something breaking, but no shots have been fired. We sat a phone outside the room and we've been calling it ever twenty minutes. So far no reply."

"What kind of phone?" asked Reid.

"A cell phone," said the captain.

"You might want use a video phone instead. If he's Deaf a cell phone without texting is useless," suggested Reid

"We can find one." Waller sighed and ran a hand through his thinning hair. "I don't like this at all. I have over thirty people in a room I can't reach or reassure because they can't hear me."

"We can try other methods," said Gideon.

"The parents are fliping out. The school has translators and counselors on hand that are speaking to the parents right now," said Waller.

"We would also like to talk to them if possible," said JJ.

"Of course," said Waller and he motion for JJ to follow him.

"Elle and I are going to head to the hospital to talk to Maggie. You, Hotch and Morgan stay here and work with the police," said Gideon. Hotch nodded and Elle and Gideon left.

"I'm still trying to figure out how we can communicate with people who can't hear us," said Hotch.

"We're not sure if the Un-Sub is deaf or not. The three adults in that room are the only ones who know what is going and we need to talk with them somehow," said Reid.

"Any ideas?" asked Hotch.

"Not yet," admitted Reid.


	4. Part three

Part Three

They had been in this room for almost two hours, the younger students were getting restless and were signing to Catherine and Laura that they needed the bathroom, that they were hungry and wanted their parents. The older students were just sitting there, occasionally signing to Catherine asking how they were going to get out of here.

The younger students were easy to calm down for the most part. Catherine was thankful that they were in a Home-ec room instead of a normal classroom, a small washroom was attached so at least the students could use the bathroom. The mini fridge had juice and other snacks, Catherine hoped this would end before she had to go into the pantry where Sandy's body was.

The part about going home was harder. She told them it would be soon, they just had to wait. The older students were glaring at Catherine, they knew she was lying, but really what could she tell this group of six and seven year olds? She had seen a figure outside the front door leave something

else, but the man refused to get it. They had seen a figure though the glass portion in the door, but nothing.

"Why won't you let us go?" asked Nina one of Catherine's students. She signed it and yelled it out loud. Catherine went to shush her when the crazy man turned around and glared at her.

"Shut up! Just shut up!"

"What did we ever do to you?' asked Nina. He started pacing around the room and muttering to himself. Catherine and Laura looked at each other worried.

"What's he saying?" asked Catherine.

"I can't make it out," signed Laura. Catherine eyed the man nervously. The younger kids started clinging to each other and crying again.

"You all act your better than me! You're not!" His signing was getting harder to read and he was moving all over the room. "It wasn't supposed to be like this...not like this. It was supposed to be better!" Catherine slowly started to move the kids back into the corner, towards the washroom.

"Just calm down," signed Catherine. He kept pacing back and forth.

"It was supposed to be better!" She felt the vibrations around her and looked behind her. Everyone behind her was very paled faced and shaking. The little girl who had been asleep was now awake and crying.

"It hurts," she signed. She was bleeding from her stomach. Laura looked at her ash faced and frozen. Catherine grabbed a jacket off one of the student's chairs and quickly covered the wound.

"It's ok, shush honey it's ok. What's your name sweetie?" asked Catherine.

"Brittany. It really hurts!"

"I know...just don't move." The blood was already soaking through jacket. Another student handed her his hoodie and helped her apply pressure. "Just stay with us ok."

…...

"Hello Maggie, my name is Jason Gideon and this is Elle Greenway." Gideon looked over at the seventeen year girl laying in a bed looking at her interpreter. Maggie looked at them sadly and started signing.

"Everything happened so fast," said Ryan the interpreter "I had finished making copies and was heading back into the main office when I felt a bang."

"You felt a bang?" asked Elle. Ryan answered for Maggie.

"She felt the vibrations from the gun. Something that loud would be felt easily." Maggie nodded when Ryan was done explaining.

"He was tall and white with really short black hair. He had an implant."

"An implant?" asked Gideon.

"In both his ears, so he heard me when I started screaming. I went to run for the back of the office and he shot me. I was able to get in the back in the copy room though and pull a fire alarm for the office. Dr Linway found me and I told him what happened. I passed out after that."

"Thank you Maggie, you've been very helpful." Maggie nodded and went back to sleep. Ryan motioned for them to leave the room.

"If he had implants how well is hearing?" asked Elle.

"It depends on when he got them and how long he's had them. Screaming is naturally loud so even if he had a bad implant he would have heard her," said Ryan.

"Would someone with implants be an outcast in the Deaf community?" asked Gideon.

"Not necessarily, it all depends on the support group you have and how well you transition to being able to hear. Some people expect it to be a magic cure all, they don't consider the fact that it doesn't help you hear everything. You can hear, but it's limited hearing. You also have to have therapy, medical testing, the list goes on and on." explained Ryan.

"What would happen if someone didn't have a support group after getting the implant?" asked Elle. Ryan glared at Elle.

"Like any other person in the world who doesn't have support in this world! Pissed off and angry. Geez they're Deaf, but they still have feelings."

"That's not what we meant," said Gideon. "We're just trying to understand the mindset of the person behind this." Ryan sighed and sat down.

"Trying to fit in is always hard, when you can't hear it makes it harder. Some people like Maggie adapt well, some never do. If this person never fit in anywhere and the implant didn't help and this has been going on for years. He's bitter and it's not going to stop," said Ryan.

…...

"That room has been quite for two hours," said Waller. "We tried talking to him again, nothing."

So far they had been sitting in a classroom down the hall, a secuirty camera across the hall and above the door was their eyes and ears, watching and listening for any signs of movement. The video phone was sitting there untouched, all attempts to speak to the Un-Sub had been ignored. They had pulled SWAT back, hoping to lure him out, that was also not working.

"According to the guy on the roof across the way, the Un-Sub keeps by the window. The adults are keeping the kids by the back wall away from the door," said Morgan.

"How many adults?" asked Hotch.

"Two," said Morgan. Reid dug his nails into his hands, but said nothing. Hotch noticed this and frown. _He's hiding something._

"We could try to rush it," suggested Waller.

"He panics and starts shooting those kids are prime targets," said Hotch. "We need a way to get those kids out of that room." Reid pulled out a blueprint of the school and studied the room they were being held in.

"It's a kitchen/classroom. The front is stoves, pantry, mini fridge and some sinks. The back is tables and a small bathroom. If they can get the kids into the bathroom, there is an air duct that leads out here to a hallways." suggested Reid.

"I think he's going to notice thirty eight people going to the bathroom," said Morgan. Before Reid could reply, they heard yelling and than a bang and screaming. They took off down the hall and towards the classroom. SWAT was getting into postion to break down the door.

"Hold it!" ordered Waller.

"Sir...Sir. My name is Aaron Hotchner. What's going on in there?"

"Shut up!" yelled a voice. The speech, while flustered was clear and understandable. _Post lingual deafness_, thought Reid.

"Is someone hurt?" asked Hotch.

"He shot a little girl!" This was a different voice, younger and female, someone not quite used to talking.

"Shut up!" yelled the Un-sub.

"Sir, if she's injuried you need to let her go," said Hotch.

"No...no one is leaving."


	5. Part four

Part Four

Laura had taken most of the students to the washroom, Catherine and a few of her students sat around Brittany. She had soaked through the jacket and was starting to soak through the hoodie. She was still crying and the older students were trying to keep her awake and calm.

"I want my mom," signed Brittany. The man was standing by the door, his mouth was moving and he was banging against the door.

"Get me a notebook and a pen," signed Catherine.

"Why?" asked Kyle.

"We need to get Brittany out and we can a note out with her." Nina looked and made sure his back was to them, she grabbed her backpack and pulled out a notebook and pen.

"Hold this," Catherine took her hands off the hoodie and Nina took over. Catherine huddled over and started scribbling.

_He has two guns in here. He can hear and sign, but his signing is sloppy and hard to understand. He keeps tilting his head to left, I think that's his good ear. He's already killed Sandy. The kids are starting to freak out and it's getting harder to keep them calm. Any directions you can give us we're ready to follow them. _

_ Catherine._

She quickly folded the note and placed it in Brittany's pocket.

"Sweetie, look at me," Brittany was starting to fall asleep. "It's very important that you give the note to the police when we get you out ok. Promise." Brittany nodded. Catherine looked over at the man, he went back to the window and was looking outside. Catherine took a deep breath and went over to him.

"Please. I'm begging you, she's just a baby. She's going to die if she stays here any longer. You didn't mean to shoot Brittany, it was a mistake. Just let me take her out and I'll come right back."

"You're a liar just like the rest of the them."

"I will not leave my students here alone. Just let me take Brittany out to the police so they can help her. She's just a baby who wants her mother." He just looked out the window. "My students mean everything to me and I will come back for them. Just let me take her out of here and I will come back." He loaded his gun and looked at her.

"You don't come back in five minutes, I will kill all of them. Understand me," he signed. She nodded and stepped away.

"Ok. I'm going to take Brittany outside." The kids looked at her horrified. "I will be back for all of you. I just need to get her help fast. Get away from the doors and windows and don't say or act up in any way while I'm gone. Promise me," signed Catherine. They nodded and she carefully picked up Brittany and unlocked the door.

…...

"We need to get in that room," said Morgan. Twenty minutes had passed since the gun shots had gone off. They didn't know how many were hurt, but the crying and screaming had died down.

"The Un-Sub's speech isn't broken or hesitating. He might have lost his hearing later in life," said Reid.

"Guys we have movement," said Morgan. They turned and saw the door open, a woman was carrying a small child in her arms. _Catherine._

"Let's move in," said Hotch. They quickly moved down the hall. SWAT had taken the child out of her arms.

"Miss, you need to come with us," said the SWAT officer. Catherine pushed him away and was signing quickly.

"I don't understand you, just come with us now!" ordered the officer. Catherine shook her head no and pointed back to the door.

"Miss, please come with us," said Hotch. She shook her head no and looked at Reid and started signing.

"I have five minutes to get back in that room or he will kill all those kids and I will not let that happen. Everything we know is in a note in Brittany's pocket. I have to go back."

"Bathroom has an air duct, if you can get the kids into the bathroom" signed Reid. Hotch looked between them, but said nothing. Catherine nodded and her eyes went back to the classroom.

"She has to go back or he's going to kill the kids. She's going to try to get the kids into the bathroom," said Reid.

"Please let me go back to them," signed Catherine.

"Go back and we'll get you out," said/signed Reid. Catherine nodded and the officers let her go. Hotch looked at Reid.

"I need to speak with you now." Reid nodded and followed Hotch. They went into a classroom and Hotch shut the door.

"You have been acting strangely since we got this case and I want to know what is going on," said Hotch.

"Catherine is a friend of mine from when we were kids. But I can do this," said Reid. Someone knocked on the door. Hotch looked at Reid.

"You should have told us from the start."

"I know, but I knew if I did you wouldn't let me be here and I need to be here." Hotch nodded and opened the door, Morgan stood there holding a note.

"We found this on Brittany." Morgan opened it up and starting reading.

_He has two guns in here. He can hear and sign, but his signing is sloppy and hard to understand. He keeps tilting his head to left, I think that's his good ear. He's already killed Sandy. The kids are starting to freak out and it's getting harder to keep them calm. Any directions you can give us we're ready to follow them. _

_ Catherine._

"He's already killed one of the teachers and he's injured one of the kids. He's going down quick," said Morgan. "Gideon is going to stay at the hospital and talk with Brittany once she out of the OR. Elle said that Maggie told her that the Un-Sub has implants in both ears."

"If his signing is sloppy, but his speech is for the most part clear he went deaf much later in life. Despite the implants he didn't regain all his hearing, he might have learned sign, but wasn't very good it at. He was shut out of both worlds" said Reid. Morgan's phone went off.

"Talk to me baby girl."

"Am I on speaker?" asked Garcia.

"Do you wanna be?"

"I find it freaky that you ask me to look into the life of a girl for Reid and she's now being held hostage."

"What do you have for me baby girl on everything?"

"Well the school has no employee issues to speak of and all the student families come back clean. Sandra Carlton on the other hand had some bad trouble with an old boyfriend."

"How much trouble?" asked Morgan.

"She took out a restraining order on him three months ago. Claims he was following her around, broke into her house, slashed tires on her car. The typical 'I'm in love with you and now I need to control you' stuff. His name was Ryan Oswell and should I e-mail you the Un-Sub textbook or give you this guy's life story?" Morgan put her on speaker.

"Give us his story baby girl."

"Ryan was abused all his life, bounced around from foster home to foster home, went into the Army and was kicked out. Three years ago Ryan got a bad case of spinal meningitis and was lucky to survive, however..."

"He lost his hearing," said Reid.

"Yep, he started going to the a counseling center for the Deaf and he was kicked out not playing well with us and guess who we met while their?"

"Sandra Carlton," said Morgan.

"Yeah, she tried working with him while at the center and she probably continued trying to after he was kicked out. But here's something fun for you Sandra isn't deaf, she has a degree in ASL and Deaf Studies though. Six months ago Ryan had an implant operation, but according to his counseling records he only regained fifty to sixty percent of his hearing back. Needless to say our boy wasn't happy and Sandra was tired of trying, " said Garcia.

"Rejected by his family and the hearing world, rejected by Sandra who represented the Deaf world. He was just a powder keg waiting to happen,. He hoped the operation would fix him and when it didn't he lashed out," said Reid.

"He's not going to let those kids out is he?" asked Hotch.

"Not without us killing him," said Reid.

"So where does that leave them?" asked Morgan.

"If he only regained some of his hearing, it might be easier for us to get into the bathroom and get them out that way," said Reid. Hotch looked thoughtful.

"Let's try."

…...

"You came back, dumb bitch," he signed. Catherine nodded.

"I'm going to wash up. We all need to wash up," signed Catherine pointing to kids.

"Do whatever you want," he signed. Catherine motioned to the kids to follow her. Laura looked at her confused.

"It's really crowded in here," signed Laura. Catherine still had the keys and she hadn't locked the classroom door, but it didn't seem like a good option for getting the kids out. She trusted Spencer and she really didn't have any other roads left to her.

"Does anyone have a Letterman or a pocket knife I can use?" asked Catherine. Three boys handed her a multi tool. Catherine locked the bathroom door and waited. Nothing happened and she sighed.

"Ok, one of the officers said we could get out through the vent. I'm going to try to unscrew the vent. The younger kids go first, than you guys and than Laura and myself. Turn the water on full blast, it might cover any sounds we make in here. We need to be quite, ok." The children nodded and Laura turned the water on. Catherine took off her heels and stood on the toilet. She took one of multi tools and started using the screw driver to pry off the vent. It took a few minutes to get the cover off, she handed it to Laura and she sat the cover aside.

"Ok come here," One of the older boys handed her one of the younger girls. "Go, go, go."

…...

"I got the vent cover off," said Morgan.

"I don't think you're going to fit in there," said Hotch.

"I think I'm too tall," said Reid.

"I might fit," said Hotch. He took off his coat and went to crawl in the vent when he heard a noise further down. A few seconds later a little girl was crawling towards him.

"We got one," said Hotch. He moved out the way and pulled her out.

"It's alright," signed Reid.

"We have more coming," said Morgan. The SWAT members started taking the kids out of the school. They were quick and all the 1st graders were out in less than two minutes. The high school kids started coming next. They were frightened and were almost throwing themselves out of the vent.

"He's trying to get in," signed one of the girls.

"Get to that classroom," said Morgan to the SWAT officer. Reid felt a cold sweat take over.

"We got one more," said Hotch. An older woman with red hair came scrambling out of the vent.

"He got Catherine...she was trying to climb up and he got her," signed the woman. Reid heard screaming coming now the vent and felt every muscle in his body tense.

…...

"Ok, come on." Catherine got the last of the younger kids through and the older kids started to climb through when she noticed the door was being pounded on.

"Go!" Catherine shoved Nina and got two more of the kids through when the door started to bow. The last kid was through when Catherine saw his hand reaching through the door and fiddling with the lock.

"Come on, go," signed Catherine.

"I can't leave you," signed Laura.

"You have kids and family! I don't. Just go, I'll be right behind you." Laura climbed up and pulled herself through the opening. Catherine went to pull herself when she felt something grab her leg and pull her back. She kicked back and felt the grib slacken for just a second. She went to pull herself up again and the grip on her leg became iron clad. He pulled back and she lost her grip and came tumbling down. He grabbed her hair and was clearly yelling in face. He made her stand up and pushed her towards the door. He was still yelling she could feel his breath in her ear. He was pushing her towards door and when they reached it she was face to face with another gun and one of the agents that had been with Spencer and had wanted her to come with him. He was also with three other people with guns. Words were exchanged and she couldn't make much out. She could make out _Drop it _and something that looked like _don't _and _ok._

Seconds that felt like hours had passed before the man moved the gun out of her face and let them pass. She started signing and they all looked at her confused. _Crap!_

The man pulled her down the hall and down the stairs. All the while she could feel his breath in her ear and was terrified about what was going to happen.


	6. Part five

Part Five

"Get outside and stop him from leaving the campus," said Hotch. He and three other SWAT officers went down the hall. Reid followed Morgan outside trying to stay calm. They followed SWAT down the stairs.

"You four cover the back exit. Reid and I will take the front exit. Get another group to watch the fire exits. Do not let him leave here! If you have the shot, take it," said Morgan. The men nodded and took off.

"Reid," said Morgan. Reid looked over at him. "She's going to be ok." Reid said nothing and turned his attention to the exit. Time seemed to stretch on forever, the front door opened and there was Ryan dragging Catherine down front steps by her hair with a gun to her temple. Reid didn't trust himself to take the shot. He had gotten better at the gun range, but this was totally different.

"Ryan Oswell! Drop the gun and let girl go!"

"No!" He forced Catherine in front of him, blocking the roof sniper from taking a shot. Reid focused his aim and locked eyes with Catherine. She was barely standing on her own two feet at this point in time. Morgan was yelling at Ryan and Ryan was yelling back, Catherine was looking back and forth between Morgan and Ryan trying to figure out what was being shouted and she was clearly not getting any of it.

"Just put the gun down and let the girl go!" shouted Morgan. Ryan pushed the gun harder into Catherine's temple. Reid locked eyes with Catherine and tried to reassure her.

"It's going to be alright." Catherine shook her head no, her eyes went back to the gun and than back to him.

"He's going to kill me."

"Stop acting like I'm not here!" snapped Ryan.

"We know you're here man...let the girl go and we'll talk," said Morgan. Ryan was tilting his head to side. _He's having trouble hearing Morgan._ Reid put his gun down and started walking towards Ryan and Catherine. _Distract him, get him talking to you._

"Reid!" called Morgan.

"You...you get back...stay back. I'll do it!" ordered Ryan.

"Let's just talk about this. It's not her you want to hurt. You're angry, I know that, but it's not with her. It's what she represents," said Reid.

"You tell me what she represents?"

"Belonging. She fits into a world that you can't be apart of anymore. You don't belong in her world, you don't belong in our world. You're stuck, alone, no one with you anymore. You're jealous of her, the school and students. They belong and you don't," said Reid and signed to Catherine so she could understand him.

"I don't care about her!" snapped Ryan. His grip on Catherine tighten and his hand started to shake, but she was starting to sink down. She was out of the way for Morgan to take the shot.

"You miss the silence. This world isn't what you thought it was going to be," said/signed Reid.

"They promised...they would still be my friends." _Everyone just left him._

"They lied to you, she didn't. Just let her go now," said Reid.

"I can't do that." Ryan moved to the pull the trigger when Morgan took the shot. It missed Catherine by two inches and took out Ryan's ear. He screamed, dropped the gun and held his ear. Reid quickly moved and got the gun away from him.

"Catherine...Catherine, look at me," signed Reid. She was pale and shaking.

"He...he killed Sandy...he shot a kid...oh god is she ok?" asked Catherine.

"She's fine, we got her out in time." Morgan was getting the medics for the Un-Sub and he looked over at Reid.

"She going to be ok?" asked Morgan. Catherine slumped down to the ground.

"She's going into shock," said Reid sitting down next to her. "Catherine, look at me...take deep breaths. It's ok now." He sat close to her. She had clearly been running on just adrenaline for the past few hours and she was crashing.

"I'm sorry that you had you had to go through this," signed Reid.

"She needs to come with us sir." Catherine looked at Reid."

I'm fine, I don't wanna go," signed Catherine.

"You need to go with them. I'll meet you there, ok." Catherine shook her head and followed the medics. Reid watched her go with them. _She ok...she's going to be ok._ Reid stood up and went over to Morgan.

"So when are you going to tell me the full story about you and her?" asked Morgan.

"Later," said Reid walking towards the car. Ryan Oswall was being wheeled past him.

"She promised...she promised that she would be there no matter what." He watched the medics put him in. _I promised that once and I broke it. _Morgan watched Reid get into one of the SUV's and called Gideon at the hospital.

"Gideon, we got everyone out. Yeah. One of the teachers is heading your way. Her name is Catherine Dueringer. You're going to wanna talk to her. Just trust me."

…_..._

The nurse was nice enough to give her a pair of scrubs after the CSI guys took her clothes. They were covered in Brittany's and Sandy's blood. She didn't want them after this anyway. She sat down on the bed. She figured someone would want to come and talk to her about what had happened. _Spencer...he helped me get those kids out, he helped me. _The door opened and she saw Ryan, one of the interpreters she had been introduced to when she started at the school come in with an older man.

"Catherine, my name is Jason Gideon. I'm with the FBI do you mind talking with me for a few minutes?"

"No not at all," said Ryan. Gideon pulled up a chair and sat down across from her. The young woman looked tired and looked at the door as if waiting for something.

"Is Spencer with you?" asked Catherine and Ryan relayed the question.

"Spencer? You know Dr. Reid?" asked Gideon.

"We knew each other when we were kids. I just moved back into town and he really helped me out of a rather messy issue today." Gideon nodded.

"You mind me asking what he was like as a child?" asked Gideon. Catherine gave him a small smile before signing her answer.

"He was sweet, quite...my grandmother used to teach history and was friends with Spencer's mom. He was only kid at school to learn sign so he could talk to me." The look on her face was one of longing.

"You and Spencer haven't talked in awhile I take it." The look on her face was hard to read, it was a mix of sadness and dry amusement.

"We...we a disagreement about certain things. I disagreed with his inability to make up his mind and he disagreed with me jumping into things without thinking it though."

…...

"_Why...why are you dumping all this on me now?" demanded Catherine. She was mad at him and she had every right to be. It was supposed to be a nice night for her, it was supposed to be her graduation party and instead of letting her have this moment he finally decided to tell her the truth about how he felt._

_ "I don't know." admitted Spencer._

_ "You've had all the time in the world to be honest with me. Any time I threw a hint in your direction you brushed it off. You said you just wanted to be friends and that you couldn't have a relationship with me. And now...now that someone wants a relationship with me you're dumping everything on me. It's not fair Spencer." He clenched his hands at his side and kicked himself for just not leaving well enough alone. Of all the times he had he picked tonight to come clean, a night that was just like pouring salt into a wound._

_ "I...I know it's not fair...I just don't want to see you do something idiotic..." Catherine cut him off._

_ "Idiotic...you don't wanna see me do something idiotic? I did something really idiotic when we were eighteen and instead of waking up feeling loved and comforted, I woke up alone and confused. So don't tell me about being an idiot."_

_ "I am so sorry I did that. It wasn't fair to you and I shouldn't have left the way I did. Just...don't marry him."_

_ "Why not, Paul is a nice guy that happens to be in love with me, I love him, we've been together for two years. Give me a reason? Any reason." Spencer for once in his life didn't have a definite right answer for her. Catherine shook her head._

_ "Of course you don't." She wiped her eyes and went back into the party. Her engagement party._

_He couldn't stand being here another minute and left. He tried to see her the next morning, only to have her father tell him that she was gone. She had packed a few bags and left her father a note that she and Paul had eloped . _

_ 'Please give Spencer my best.' Was the last line in the letter. He was so mad at her. It wasn't fair for her to just leave him like this. She was gone and just like his father before her all she left him with was a letter. _

Reid got Catherine out of the hospital by taking her out a side entrance and was able to get her in the car without any of the reporters seeing them. They were only on the freeway for five minutes before she was out cold. He had already gotten her address from Garcia and her purse and keys from the police so he saw no reason to wake her up. They were close to her apartment when he noticed her stir in her sleep, she let out a groan and than started to fight against her seat belt. _Nightmares._ Reid knew all too well about those.

"Catherine wake up. Wake up your home now." He reached over and touched her shoulder. She jerked awake and gasped. "You're safe now." signed Reid. Catherine nodded and took her keys and purse from him.

"Thank you," she signed. He reached over and squeezed her hand. _You're going to be ok._


	7. Part six

Part Six

The apartment had a few boxes unpacked and her furniture was still being put together. Catherine cleared some books and clothes off a sofa.

"I'm sorry about the mess. I still have stuff coming in from Boston. Do you want some tea or coffee?"

"I'm fine."

"I'm going to go change out of these scrubs. I'll be back in a minute." Catherine went into her bedroom. Reid stood up and started looking around the room. She hadn't hung up any pictures yet, but a whole box of photo albums was sitting next to the table. Reid reached into the box and pulled out an album at random.

He started flipping through the album to find pictures from the last few years were here.

Photos of her and father during holidays, her in France during her last study abroad, the last couple of pictures were of her and Paul. Reid starting biting the inside of his cheek the last was one of her and Paul was outside one of Vegas many cheap chapels. Her in a white sundress wearing her grandmother's pearl necklace. Paul was standing next to her in a suit. He felt her hand on shoulder.

"We made better friends than spouses," signed Catherine. "We just sort of woke up one morning and realized that forever is a much longer time frame than we planned on. They're were no affairs, no fights, no anything really. It just fizzled out. And please don't start giving me stats on divorce rates rates for people twenty one and younger."

Reid shook his head, he was just about to tell that over 60 percent of marriages for her age ended in divorce and that her odds of divorce were increased because she came from a single parent household. Catherine sat down in a chair and Reid sat across from her, he took out a digital tape recorder and a note book.

"I'm going to have to ask you some questions about what happened at the school. I'm going to record the interview ok."

"You know my speech isn't that good," signed Catherine. Reid nodded, she had always been embarrassed by her speaking voice.

"I'll explain on the tape that I'm interpreting for you because of your Deafness." Catherine nodded, Reid clicked on the tape recorder.

"This is Special Agent Dr. Spencer Reid conducting an interview with Catherine Dueringer...

…...

The interview took a few hours Catherine remaining calm for the most part. She got flustered about Sandra death, but she remained focused for the rest of the interview.

"I think we're finished," said Reid and he clicked off the tape recorder. "I need to call my supervisor and see when they can type this up for you to sign or if they need anything else from you." Catherine nodded and Reid called Hotch.

"Hotch."

"I just finished the recorded interview with Catherine Dueringer. I can bring it in tonight if it's needed."

"Just send it to Garcia and go home and rest. We'll finish up all the paperwork and interviews in the morning," said Hotch. Reid hung up the phone and looked at it, Hotch never let paperwork sit let alone interviews. Than again it could be because so many kids were involved he wanted to give the families a break.

"Do you have to go?" asked Catherine. He didn't have too but he was torn. It had been three long years since they had talked and that last time had talked had been more or less a fight. It ended with her leaving him after almost 16 years of friendship.

"Why did you leave?" asked Reid. Catherine shifted in her chair and looked at Reid. He didn't look like a twenty four year old FBI agent, he looked like the sixteen year boy that felt horrible when he stood up for dinner date because he was working on the rough draft of his first doctorate. He came over the next morning and apologized profusely. He was always the nicest guy, a sweet guy just clueless has hell when it came to their friendship or maybe it was just relationships with people that he was clueless about.

"You didn't give me a reason to stay."

"I told you that I was in love with you wasn't that enough?" Why didn't she understand how hard that was for him to tell her how he felt? The night she got engaged was just a nightmare to him. Watching her say yes was one of the worst moments of his life, it rivaled all his time in high school and sending his mother to the mental institution. He just had to say something to her to make her not do this.

"You told me that an hour after my boyfriend of two years asked me to marry him and I said yes in front of all my family and friends. You had every chance in the world with me before Paul showed up and you wait until I'm engaged to say anything. What did you expect me to do? Walk back in there, give Paul his mother's ring back and than leave with you? You had already told me before you didn't see a romantic relationship working between us and that was after we slept together and than you went back to California for summer classes. You didn't give me a reason to stay."

Reid looked down at his hands. He had always felt bad that he had allowed what had happen to happen. It wasn't fair to her that he just panicked and took off.

…...

1999

"Spencer please don't do this too me," pleaded his mother. The two men took her out and he could hear her crying all the way to car. He sat down in her chair and wept, he had tried everything to help her and it seemed the more he tried the worst she got. Catherine and her father looked after Diana when he was away, but it was getting harder on them to look after her too. When on her medication she was fine she wouldn't stay on it for long though and it was getting less effective for treating her illness. Spencer had sat down last month with Catherine's father; Andrew and Catherine for a talk about Diana.

"She's getting worse Spencer. I went over to clean and she didn't remember me. She's known me since I was baby and she didn't know me," signed Catherine.

"You know your mother was my mother's best friend and I would do anything to help her, but she tried to hurt Catherine and she tried to attack me. We want to help her and you but it's getting impossible too. I'm worried she might hurt herself or someone else one day," said Andrew. He was talking a bit louder than normal. He was sitting so that he could tilt is head to the left and hear better, he was losing his hearing now. It was only a matter of time before he was like his daughter completely deaf.

"I know you think we're being horrible right now, but she's sick and she needs better care than you can give her," signed Catherine.

"You don't think I know she's sick!" snapped Spencer. Catherine looked at her father and than back to Spencer.

"We know that you know she's sick and anyone else in your shoes would have thrown in the towel years ago. But think about it Spencer and I mean really think about it do you plan on spending the rest of your life trying to fix something beyond your control?" asked Catherine.

He stood up and left after that. When he got home his mother was in deep conversation with someone who wasn't there and she ignored him when he tried talking to her. Catherine and Andrew were right and he hated to admit it. She was his mother and he loved her but it was getting harder to care for her. He secretly dreading getting a call from Andrew or Catherine telling him that she had hurt herself or someone else. He had Andrew make the call to Adult Protective Services and they had a meeting with a case worker and his mother's current doctor. The APS caseworker and the doctor were in agreement that his mother needed to be put in a long term care hospital.

"We'll be there when they come for her in the morning," said Andrew. He gave Spencer a hug and saw the casework and doctor out.

"You're doing the right thing," signed Catherine.

"It doesn't feel like it," said Spencer. Catherine nodded and gave him a hug.

"Go home and spend some time with her, we'll see you in the morning." Spencer nodded and left. He walked passed Andrew and noticed the older man looked tired and run down and he felt a tinge of guilt that he had put his mother's care on them for so long. He hadn't slept all night and morning came all to soon. He made Diana breakfast which she didn't eat and went right into her study. The hospital staff came around nine and took her away. Catherine and Andrew never showed up and he felt himself getting angry at them. Where the hell were they? He called the house four times and got no answer. He drove over there around noon and found both cars in the driveway. He parked and headed to the front door and started pounding.

"CATHERINE! OPEN THE DOOR!" he pounded harder and rang the bell that was set to light up in any room in the house. "CATHERINE!"

"You know she can't hear you right?" asked a male voice. Spencer turned around and saw one of there neighbors looking at him like he was crazy.

"She can't but her father can for now!" snapped Spencer and he went back to pounding on the door.

"They're not here young man! They went to the hospital this morning!" Spencer turned around and looked at the old man.

"What?" he asked.

"Ambulance came and got Andrew this morning and Catherine went with him. Saw the whole thing from my kitchen window. Now I don't know why you're pounding and yelling the way you are, but I'm going to give you five minutes to clear off their doorstep before I call the cops." The old man turned and headed back to his house. Spencer went to his car numbly. He had noticed that Andrew hadn't looked well but it must have been bad if he had gone to a hospital. Which one though, Las Vegas had seven major hospitals and depending on what had happened he could have been taken to any of them. He put the car into drive and just started driving. It wasn't until the fourth hospital that he had any luck.

" Dueringer?" asked the nurse.

"D.U.E.R.I.N.G.E.R,"spelled Spencer. The nurse typed it out and looked at him again.

"Your relationship to family?" she asked.

"I'm Andrew's stepson," he lied. The nurse looked at him critically, she was a Hispanic nurse in her 50's.

"You wanna feed me another story boy?"

"I'm a friend of Catherine's...she's Andrew's daughter."

"That's more like it. If you wanna see your girlfriend all you had to do was ask. Her father is in the cardiac care unit right now.

"Is he alright?" asked Spencer feeling a lump in his stomach.

"His doctor will be able to answer that. Ninth floor." Spencer thanked the nurse and headed up to ninth floor. He hoped Andrew was ok, he had been more of a father to him than his own. Catherine was sitting in a hard plastic chair, tapping her foot and twisting her hair. He walked over to Catherine and touched her shoulder. She looked up at him confused.

"Oh my god. I'm sorry I didn't call! My dad...he...he told me he wasn't feeling good last night and we got up this morning and he just..." she started crying and Spencer felt horrible for being so mad at her. He should have known she wouldn't have just bailed on him without good reason.

"He's going to be ok," signed Spencer. Catherine wiped her eyes and took his hand.

"Thank you for being here. I am really sorry about this morning it just happened so fast. Is your mom..."

"Yeah," said Spencer. "Has a doctor been out here to talk to you yet?"

"Not yet." Spencer nodded and held her hand.

"I'll wait with you." They waited almost five hours until a doctor came out to talk to them.

"Your father had a Type 2 myocardial infraction. A heart attack that was caused by a coronary embolism," explained the doctor.

"Is he going to be alright?"asked Spencer.

"I see him making a full recovery, but he is going to have a long road to getting better."

"When can he go home?" asked Spencer relaying Catherine's question.

"It all depends on how well he recovers here. He just got out of a very difficult surgery and it is going to take some time."

"Can we see him?" asked Spencer.

"She can for a few minutes. He needs a great deal of rest." The doctor motioned for them to follow. Spencer took Catherine's hand and they followed him down a hall. In all the years he had known Catherine he had never seen her look so frightened.

Andrew was laying in a bed with wires coming out of him and into him. He looked so small and lifeless in that bed. He felt Catherine's hand shake in his.

"You need to go see him," signed Spencer.

"I'm scared." muttered Catherine. He couldn't remember the last time he had heard her speak.

"I'll be right here ok." Catherine went into the room carefully and sat next to father. She looked so fearful sitting next to him. Her father was the only immediate family she had left, her grandmother had passed away four years ago. Catherine's mother was much like his own father they were weak and couldn't handle problems, her mother couldn't handle the fact that Catherine would never hear. Spencer stood outside the door.

"I love you so much dad," whispered Catherine. She stood up and walked out into the hall towards him.

"I wanna go home," signed Catherine.

"Ok, come on," said Spencer. He wrapped an arm around her waist and together they walked out of the hospital.

Catherine fumbled through her bag for her keys and couldn't find them. Spencer took out his keys.

"You gave me a spare remember." He unlocked the door and they walked into the house. It was clear to Spencer that they had left in hurry. Breakfast bowls were left on the counter, a wet towel was thrown on the floor along with the cordless phone.

"It's such a mess," signed Catherine.

"You've seen my house right," signed Spencer.

"I'll help you clean it up in the morning."

"You need some rest."

"I'm not tired."

"You're exhausted," signed Spencer.

"I'm exhausted? Look at you...you look like crap," signed Catherine. Spencer gave her a dry smile.

"I think the last fourteen hours have been emotional and physical exhausting for us and we both need to rest," signed Spencer.

"I'm still really sorry about this morning."

"Catherine your father had a heart attack I don't think you planned on that."

"He hadn't been feeling good, he was always tired and he never ate right. I just didn't realize." Spencer made her sit down.

"I'm going to make us some tea ok and than we're both going to get some sleep." He made them both some tea and took it to her in the living room. They sat there quietly for he didn't know how long each lost in their own thoughts.

"She begged me not to send her away," signed Spencer. Catherine sat her cup down.

"She doesn't hate you if that's what your thinking."

"I hate me right now. I couldn't help her and she begged me too."

"Your mother is very ill. No one other than real medical professionals can help her. You are a very good person. Don't think otherwise." She put her head on his shoulder.

"I'm scared that someday I'm going to be her." Catherine looked up at him.

"What?"

"Paranoid schizophrenia is an inherited genetic disorder. Mental breaks occur when you're in your late 20's and early 30's. I'm scared that someday I'm going to wake up and not know who I am. That someday someone is going to have to put me away like my mom. That I'm going to beg someone not to do that to me." Spencer started to shake, he felt himself tear up and fall into Catherine's arms. He felt her stroking his hair, he could hear her talking to him softly. She was telling him that it was ok, that it was going to be alright. _She only talks in front of me._ It was a sign of how comfortable she was with him. He never had anyone be so comfortable with him. He sat up and looked at her.

"Why do you only talk in front of me? You don't even speak to your dad."

"Because you won't make fun of me. I don't like how I think I sound and I know that my spoken speech isn't that good or understandable and that you don't care how I sound or what I'm saying. That you still like me."

"I've always liked you...I..." He looked her in the eyes and just felt himself being drawn in, he couldn't look away.

"If your going to kiss me just do it," signed Catherine.

"I..." She kissed him hesitating at first, but when he kissed her back she didn't pull away. What happened next was a blur in his mind. He could remember the feel of her mouth on his, the way her skin felt when he touch her and her hands on him. He remembered falling asleep in her room, her arms wrapped around his waist and her breathing on his neck. He took her hands in his and fell asleep.

He woke up the next morning and saw that Catherine had rolled over to another side of her bed and was fast asleep. He pulled the covers around her and got out of bed carefully. His clothes were up here on the floor. He picked them up and got dressed quickly hoping she wouldn't wake up. He left the room and shut the door behind him. He got in his car and sat in the driver's seat wondering what the hell he had done, what they had done. This had been a mistake he cared a lot about Catherine and they had known each other for years and he had not been thinking clearly. He put the car into drive and headed back home. _This was a mistake and it shouldn't have happened._

…_... _

Catherine woke up and reached over to hug Spencer and found the bed empty. She sat up and looked around, it was about eight o'clock in the morning. She didn't see Spencer clothes. She looked out the window and saw Spencer's car was gone.

_What? Why did he leave?_ She took a shower, got dressed and headed downstairs. She looked all over for a note from him and found none. It didn't make sense she thought it had all ended well. _Why didn't he wake me up? _She decided to go over to Spencer's house and try to figure out what had happened. _He's not like that, not someone who just leaves like this._

It was only a few blocks to his house so she decided to walk it. She saw his car parked in the driveway. _He did not put a stop on what happened last night and I don't understand. _Catherine knocked on the door and a few moments later Spencer answered. He had changed his clothes and had showered.

"Hi," he seemed surprised to see her.

"Can I come in?" she asked. He didn't seem to want to look her in the eyes.

"Yeah sure." He let her in a shut the door behind her. He had already been cleaning and stuff was packed in boxes.

"They said she could have some of her personal stuff. Trying to sort out what she would really want."

"You didn't wake me up."

"I'm sorry I couldn't sleep and I didn't wanna wake you up." His body language was filled with total lies.

"You could have left me a note telling me that you left," signed Catherine.

"I'm sorry."

"What is it?" Spencer sat down and motioned for Catherine to take a seat.

"I...I really like you...but last night. We shouldn't have done that," signed Spencer. Catherine looked at him confused. "We um we were just very emotional last night and that cause what happened to happen."

"Is that what you think?" asked Catherine.

"We've been friends since we were five and it only makes sense that we would be comfortable enough with each other to allow it to happen. I just...really um care about you. I do but I feel a romantic relationship between us would just ruin things between us and I don't want that," admitted Spencer. He looked at Catherine and saw that she looked torn between sadness and hurt.

"I...I guess your right. Still it's bad manners to leave without saying goodbye."

"I know and I'm sorry," sighed Spencer. They sat there for awhile in silence for a while unable to find anything else to say.

"Do you want me to stay and help you clean up?" asked Catherine.

"Thanks, but I think I need to do this alone right now."

"Ok. I need to head to the hospital any way and check on my dad anyway." She stood up and Spencer followed her to the door.

"I'll see you later than," signed Spencer.

"Yeah. Bye." She left and Spencer watched her walk down the driveway and disappear around the corner. He sat back down and felt horrible about how he acted, but he couldn't have a relationship with her right now. _I need to get out of here. _He contacted his adviser at Cal-Tech to see what summer classes were still open and two weeks later he went back to California.

…...

"I shouldn't have left that way and I'm sorry," signed Spencer.

"I know you are. It didn't change how much it hurt."

"So where does that leave us?" asked Spencer.

"I don't know," admitted Catherine.


	8. Part seven

Part seven

"Why did you come looking for me?" asked Spencer.

"I hoped that after three years and a divorce later you wouldn't be mad at me anymore," signed Catherine.

"You left without saying goodbye too," signed Spencer. She felt horrible writing that letter, but she didn't have the courage to face him again. He looked so sad that night when he told her how he felt she couldn't stand to see that look on his face again.

"I know and I wasn't fair to you either. I couldn't believe that after all the time we had been together you just come at me like that and that you just expected me to give everything up."

"I guess we both made a lot of mistakes," admitted Spencer.

"Are you still mad at me for leaving?"

"There is a part of me that is still mad at you for leaving. You were my best friend and than you were gone," signed Spencer. Catherine nodded and looked away sadly. "But I missed you. I really missed you and when I saw you again I wanted you back."

"I missed you too." Spencer took her hand.

"So where do we go from here?"

"I don't wanna rush into this. We...we've been apart for awhile and I think it's best if we try just to be friends again. Can we do that?" Spencer squeezed her hand and looked at her. He honestly didn't know what he really wanted with Catherine. There had been a time when he did want a romantic relationship with her, now he wasn't sure. His job really didn't allow for the commitment a relationship deserved. It was one of the many reasons he never tried to call Lia Archer. _You don't have to make your mind up right now,_ was what Morgan had told him and it was starting to seem like a good idea to not make up his mind right now.

"I think friends is a good option for now."

Friendship involves many things, but above all, the power of going out of one's self and appreciating what is noble and loving in another. -Thomas Hughes

Writer's notes

I was going to make a series of stories out of this, (From season one to this current season) but I think it's going to be easier to keep it all in one story instead of breaking it up. This is going to wrap up part one of the series and the next few chapters will go into the rest of season one and part of season 2. I hope everyone is liking it so far. Thanks for all the alert adds, favorites and reviews.

Love it, Hate it, leave a review please.


	9. Chapter One

Chapter One

Love is blind; Friendship closes its eyes. -Unknown

Ten weeks later

"Is it wrong that I wanna turn a hose on all my students?" asked Catherine. Spencer looked over at her confused.

"Why?"

"It's all the PDA in the halls. Summer break is around the corner and now they all feel the need to make out against the nearest locker or door they can find and it's revolting. I firmly believe the only way to stop them is with a hose or maybe a spray bottle, like you use on a cat when it's messing up the house."

"Well they are teenagers and at this stage in their mental development a serious lack of impulse control happens regarding sexual desires so I don't think a spray bottle is going to stop it." However the mental image of Catherine walking around the halls of the school using a spray bottle of water to stop teenagers from making out was slightly amusing and he grinned.

"Made you smile," signed Catherine and Spencer went back to packing his suitcase. He was getting his mandatory two weeks off from the BAU and he was heading to Vegas to visit his mother, a task that he was starting to dread.

"You can't move it back to next month?" asked Catherine.

"Each team gets a rotating mandatory two weeks off a year. Studies show it helps with burn out and other work related stress issues. The whole team gets it at the same time so that way no team is every short staffed. We're still allowed other personal time off if needed, but we can't move this time around." He went back to packing his suitcase and Catherine noticed how tense he was.

"I just wish you didn't have to go by yourself is all."

"I'll be fine," signed Spencer.

"Than why do you look like a guy going to the chair?"

"Have you seen anyone going to the chair? I have and they all look different." The way he signed it was tense and confrontational.

"That's not what I meant. You're nervous about going to see your mom and I don't have to be an expert FBI profiler to see that." The downside to having a friend who had known you since grade school was their ability to read you like a book without having to undergo years of FBI training to gain that insight, thought Spencer.

"Your right I am. I haven't seen her in a really long time and I'm worried to see how she's changed."

"That's why I wish you didn't have to go by yourself."

"You could always call in sick." Catherine looked at him horror stricken.

"Are you telling me; a teacher to play hooky during the weeks leading up to her student's finals?Alright where is Spencer Reid and what have you done with him?"

He couldn't help but give her a small smile. The pass couple of weeks had been sort of a reprieve for him and his normal routine. While they didn't spend all their free time together the time the they did spend together was enjoyable. He liked hearing her stories about the students she taught, the time she had spent abroad, the prepping for her upcoming Japanese classes this summer. He told her stories about this FBI training, a few of the cases he had worked and what being the youngest member of the FBI normally got him. She teased him without mercy about getting out of most the physical testing to be in the FBI.

"You got out of FBI gym class, I couldn't even get out of high school gym class unless I was on period and even than..."

"I don't wanna know," signed Spencer. It was nice to have someone other than his teammates and chess friends at the park to talk with. He couldn't talk to them about the stress he was feeling about going back to Vegas to visit his mother. He had never talked to them about her, he didn't know how to or even if he wanted to let them know about her. He was worried what they would think of him if they found out.

"I got your mom a present," signed Catherine. She reached into a bag and pulled out a book by Marjorie Kemp.

"You remembered my mom's favorite author."

"Like I could ever forget the hours of discussions your mother and my grandma would have about her." Spencer shook his head, they would sit in the next room while his mother and her grandmother; Margaret would talk for hours about 15th century literature or history. Margaret would always cover for his mother when she was too ill to teach class. He would sit there and sign the conversations to Catherine for her follow.

"Thank you, she'll like this." He put the book in his bags. "You ready to go?" Catherine was one of the few people he could take to see a Japanese anime film fest and not want to beg her way out.

"So have you seen Perfect Blue yet?" asked Catherine.

"No not yet."

"Oh my god it's so freaky and the animation is amazing."

…...

The next few days passed quickly and before he knew it he was on a plane to Vegas. He shifted in his seat and tried to get comfortable. The jet had spoiled him for commerical plane travel he felt cramped and closed in. He pulled out one of his books, a French copy of Dante's Inferno that he had borrowed from Catherine. He found his mind couldn't focus on the book, it had been two years since he had seen his mother and she had been having one of her spells. She swore that he was 'One of them' and she had to be sedated.

He loved his mother, but he always found himself horribly depressed after seeing her. He also felt guilty and fearful. The guilt from not being able to help her and the fear from seeing what his possible future could hold.

_It's all genetics...could be today, tomorrow or twenty years from now but I could be her. Just like Catherine's family. Her grandmother lost her hearing when she was thirty, her father lost his hearing when he was forty five, Catherine was born Deaf. A mental illness and a physical defect are two differrent things, but the abilty to be able to funcion with them is the same. Making yourself fit into a world that doesn't fit you._

The plane took off and Reid opened the book and forced himself to read it slowly. He finished it in an hour.

…...

The sanitarium grounds were always green and lush despite being in the middle of Nevada and tempatures over 100 degrees. It was meant to be reassuring and calming to people coming here to see grass and trees like everything was normal when it was far from it. All the staff remembered him and nodded at him when he walked passed. The patients on the other hand paid him no attention, they walked around in some sort of stupor brought on by medication. Some muttered to themselves while others walked in silence. He found his way up to the common room and saw his mother sitting there quitely looking out the window and writing in her journal. She looked so old and tired, like she hadn't slept in days. One of her current doctors, Dr. Benton came up to him.

"I heard a rumor you were here."

"How is she?" asked Reid.

"Schizophrenia is a lifetime illness. Her meds stabilize the worst of her symptoms, but she still has bad days. What makes her most happy are her journals and your daily letters. She is exceptionally proud of you."

"She is?" _She still remembers me...she still remembers that I'm her son._

"She talks about you all the time to anyone who will listen. Staff, other patients, her journals are filled with the cases you write her about. She calls them your adventures."

"My mother believed that you could find adventure all around you if you just looked. That's what happens when your a professor of 15th century literature," said Reid.

"She's going to be so excited that you were finally able to get here in person," said Dr. Benton. Reid looked over at his mother and saw her expression go blank and the pen stop moving like she had slipped in one of her many worlds. _I can't._

"You know maybe it's better if I let her rest today and come back tomorrow."

"But Dr. Reid..." He cut her off and handed her the book Catherine had bought for her.

"Can you give this to her. It's a book by Marjorie Kemp, her favorite author."

"It would be really good for her..."

"Thank you." Reid walked quickly out of the room and forced himself to not run out of the building and into the parking lot. _I'm weak._

…_..._

He checked into his hotel room and just laid in the bed, unable to sleep and unable to focus on reading any of the books he had brought with him. He couldn't call Catherine right now due to the difference in time and he wished he could. He flipped open his laptop to check his mail and found he had three mini e-mails from Catherine. One from early this morning, one from a few hours ago and one that just hit his inbox.

_Hey you're probably on the plane now, but I thought I would wish you a safe and happy flight. May you be spared the wailing of the baby, the losing of suitcases or the person in the seat next to you hogging the armrest. See you in two weeks. _

_ Catherine._

The next one had him grinning from ear to ear.

_Oh my god! In my classroom! On my desk! How dare they! I had to go to the principal's office and than clean my desk with bleach. I understand the students making out like rabbits, but I expect better from the art teacher and her assistant. They can afford hotel rooms even on our salary. I feel the need to clean my desk again. I feel so dirty and used. ^_^_

The last one gave him some peace of mind.

_ Hey when you get home. I found a Dr. Who Christmas special from the 70's that I don't think you've ever seen and I know you've been trying to lure me into this show since forever and I'll give it a try if and only if you'll sit through Dirty Dancing. Them is rules Dr. Reid. Take it or leave. _

_ Catherine._

"Thanks Catherine. I need that."

…...

The next morning he got up and braced himself for whatever mental state his mother might be in when he walked into the hospital. He was about to head into the common room when he was stopped by the front desk nurse.

"Oh Dr. Reid. Someone delivered this to the front desk last night for you."

"What?" Catherine was the only one who knew he was here, if she wanted something she would have e-mailed or sent it to the hotel. He took the flat package and opened it to find a smaller package with his name hand written on it. Inside was an old key and a folded up note.

_She will die unless you save her Dr. Reid. Call Gideon he knows._

"Did anyone see who it was?" he asked.

"Just the Fed ex guy," said the nurse.

"Tell Dr. Benton I'm sorry but I have to go home." He headed back to his car and called Gideon. _What is going on? _After getting off the phone with Gideon and hearing about this late night head delivery he knew that his vacation was over for now.

…_..._

"Enjoying your new desk?" asked Laura.

"Loving it," signed Catherine.

"I'm happy that it was you who caught them and not a student. I would dread the lawsuits and PTA meetings," signed Laura.

"I wish they invited bleach for the brain."

"So you have any plans while your boyfriend is gone?"

"He's not my boyfriend."

"He just takes you out to dinner, movies,and museum openings. Does he send you flowers?"

"He's a sweet guy, but romantic gestures are not his strong suit and we're not dating." Laura just smirked at her.

"Well I'm getting to leave for the night, but I figured I would drop this off for you." It was just a plain letter. Laura bid her good night anfd left the room. Catherine saw it was getting close to six and decided to take the rest of her grading home for the night. She shoved the letter into her bag with her books and headed home.

She hoped that Spencer was enjoying a small part of his vacation and seeing his mother. She remembered that on her good days Diana Reid was a kind but overly blunt woman that really cared about Spencer. She got in her car and tossed her bag in the side seat. The bag hadn't closed right and all her stuff came ont. _Damn it,_thought Catherine and she leaned over and started shoving stuff back into her. The letter caught her attention this time. She thought it was either her union cards or information about her summer classes. But feeling it now she realized it was too thin for class information and too soft to be the hard plastic cards from the union. She opened up the envelope and all she found was a thin piece of paper.

_A good queen keeps the knight focused on the task at hand and she makes sure he doesn't stray from the quest or forget his duties to all the maidens. Dr. Reid must save the maiden or else she will be lost._

She pulled out her phone and texted Spencer

_I know you're out of town and on vacation, but I got this really freaky note at school about you. Heading home, I'll e-mail you than. _She put the car into drive and headed home. She got halfway there when she felt the phone vibrate in her bag. She fumbled around and pulled the phone out and skimmed it quicky.

_I'm coming home. Head to the BAU and talk to Gideon. I'm explain later when I get there._

Notes-Ep reference- The Fisher King-Part one.

Love it, hate it, leave a review please.

And yes Deaf people can drive cars with the correct modifications and a driver's license.


	10. Chapter Onepart two

Chapter one-Part two

We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears ~Francois duc de la Rochefoucauld

"And you have no idea where this came from?" asked Gideon through the interpreter.

"The secretary got it in the mail and it just seem really weird,"said Lacey the interpreter after Catherine was finished signing.

"Well it seems to be a weird day all around for everyone," said Gideon. He looked really aggravated and Catherine asked Lacey.

"Did I upset him somehow? Spencer told me to come here and talk to him."

"She thinks your upset with her," said Lacey.

"I'm upset with the whole mess that is going on right now. Have you noticed anyone following you or Reid? Odd packages, random phone calls that hang up?"

"I lead a very boring life Mr. Gideon. I teach high school kids French and maybe go out with Spencer once in awhile. Other than that nothing is going on in my life. Things have finally quieted down now since the hostage issue a few months ago. I don't know anyone who sends heads or notes like this," said Lacey after Catherine was done.

Gideon looked at the young woman and frowned. This had nothing to do with her, she was a pawn in some sort of game she had no understanding of. _Like Sarah. _He tried very hard to keep Sarah away from this part of his life and it got mailed to his door.

"I need you to stay here until Spencer gets back."

"I can't go home?" asked Catherine.

"Please explain to her that if this person knows where she works he knows where she sleeps and it might not be safe right now." Lacey turned to Catherine and started signing and Gideon watched her face get pale and frightened. Catherine nodded and signed to Lacey.

"She wants to talk to Dr. Reid when he gets in," said Lacey. Before Gideon could answer his phone rang.

"Frank Giles is dead," said Hotch.

"So our only lead is dead," snapped Gideon. Catherine watched the older man's body language get more and more distressed as the phone call went on. He finally slammed the phone down and looked at Catherine and Lacey clearly forgetting they were in the room.

"I have to go to a crime scene and I'm going to have Reid meet us there and when he gets back you can talk to him briefly. We need him on this as soon as possible." Catherine nodded and Gideon took off. Catherine looked at Lacey.

"What the hell is going on?"

"A bad day at the BAU."

…...

Reid had barely got off the plane when Garcia called to tell him that the body of Frank Giles, the man they suspected of killing a man in Jamaica and sending his head to Gideon in the Sates was now dead. Catherine had gone right to Gideon and was now at the BAU office. _Why her...why use her to get a message to me...how did they find her._ It caused a knot to form in Reid's stomach to think that somebody could have been stalking him and Catherine. That they would use her to get to him.

When he got to the crime scene it was one of the freakiest crime scenes he had ever seen and that was after being a profiler for almost three years. The man Reid could only assume to be Frank Giles was dead in the center of the room on a bed with a sword sticking out of his chest. _Extreme role playing gone wrong,_ thought Reid. He looked at the wall and the message of blood. _Here thy quest doth truly begin._ Hotch and others were trying to figure out what 'the hour be none' was and Reid figured he should step in.

"It's three P.M. " They all looked at him confused to how he got there. "Garcia told me where to find you guys."

"Three P.M?" asked Gideon.

"It's medieval," explained Reid. "The days used to be broken into hourly intervals. The canonical hours of breviary. Prime: six A.M. Terse: nine A.M, sect:12 noon. None 3 pm and vesper:six P.M."

"Reid do not ever go away again," said Elle.

"It explains the change in language," said Gideon.

"Well it's almost five P.M now so do we wanna leave this in for tomorrow afternoon?" asked Morgan.

"Not unless we can block out some of the sun. Do you have any spot lights?" Reid asked the crime tech. She went out to her car to get them. When she came back they had drawn the curtains half way down and she handed Reid a flashlight.

"Will that work?" she asked.

"Perfectly." Reid went across the room and turned the flashlight on and made if cast a shadow on the opposite wall. "Ok this is a five o' clock shadow and Morgan follow the shadow as a I move the light higher." They came to a spot on the wall that had been hallowed out.

"I'm in a freaking Indiana Jones movie" muttered Elle as Morgan ripped the wallpaper aside to find an old jewelry box. They found that it was locked.

"The youngest holds the key," muttered Gideon and Reid started fishing through his pockets until he found the key in question. The box opened and it reminded him of an old music box his grandmother had when he was boy.

"Schubert," said Gideon. " The Trout Quintet." Reid pulled a note out the box and started to read.

"Never would it be night, but always clear day to any man's sight."

"Well that was worth it," snapped Elle.

"Look at the lid at the little tab under the lid," said Gideon. Morgan pulled the tab and out came a lock of blonde hair and a DVD labeled: Thy Quest. The hair was quickly bagged and they headed out with the DVD back to the BAU.

…...

The DVD was a message from the Un-Sub,explaining how they had to find the girl and finish the quest to save her life. They had one rule to follow and that was no outside help only the team could play. _He has no problem bring our outside life into his game,_ thought Reid. The board now had the note Catherine was given, but it made no sense to him.

Gideon stomped out the room after the DVD and Hotch followed him.

"He's really pissed off," said Morgan. Someone knocked on the door and Reid recognized Lacey one of the interpreters from the BAU.

"I'm sorry to brother you Dr. Reid, but Agent Gideon told Ms. Dueringer that you would explain what was going on when you got here and she's been waiting for a few hours now."

"Guys can I have a minute?" asked Reid.

"Go talk to her," said JJ. Reid left the room and Elle turned to Morgan.

"Ok one minute of distraction. Are her and Reid dating?"

"He says no, but you look at his body language it tells a whole different story," said Morgan.

Reid walked down the hall and spotted Hotch with Haley down in the bull pen handing him something. Hotch's body language changed and he ushered Haley into a side office. Reid felt that knot go as he walked into the room were Catherine had been waiting for him. _A good queen keeps the knight focused on the task at hand._

"Did you like your vacation?" asked Catherine once the door had been shut.

"I've had better," admitted Reid.

"What is going on Spencer...Gideon told me this guy knows where I live and that it's not safe for me to go home." She went to sign more, but got flustered and just balled her hands up in her lap. Reid took a seat across from her.

"Someone is using the team for a game of some sort, a quest he calls it to save a girl's life." Catherine looked at him confused.

"What...what does this have to do with me?" she asked.

"He used you to get a message to me."

"Why me and what message?" _Because you're one of the normal things I have outside this job and I don't know what he's trying to tell me,_ thought Reid.

"I don't know but..." Before Reid could finish his thought, Hotch came in.

"Reid can I speak with you?"

"I'll be right back." He left the room and Hotch shut the door. He handed Reid a piece of paper with several lines of numbers

"This was just delivered to my house by either the Un-Sub or someone working for him. I need you and the others to figure out what this means. I'm having Haley and Jack moved to a safe hotel for the time being, I suggest you tell Catherine she's going too with Lacey and another agent." Reid felt that knot take a firm hold him and his grip on the paper tightened.

"Just give me a few minutes," said Reid and he went back into the office.

"What happened? Did someone else die?" Reid sat back down across from her.

"We're going to send you with Lacey and another agent to a safe hotel until this case is over with. Hotch's wife and son are also going." Catherine went super pale and bit her lip.

"This is one of the really bad ones right."

"Yeah, but I promise that it's going to be ok and I'll come get you the second this is done." She nodded and Reid leaned over and kissed her quickly on the forehead.

"Promise you'll stay safe...something about this just seems so off and I can tell you think so too." _Her grandmother once told me that they named her after Catherine of Aragon...the good queen keeps the knight focused on the task. _

"I will. I promise." Lacey and one of the newer agents, Agent Brownwell came in.

"We need her to come with us now Dr. Reid," said Brownwell. Catherine looked at them and nodded.

"You can do this. I know you can. I think the maiden is in very good hands." She gave Spencer a hug and followed Lacey and Brownwell out the door. He watched her go, her walk was calm and controlled and he wondered if Catherine of Aragon left the palace of Henry the VIII this calmly. _The good queen keeps the knight focused on the task at hand...thank you for giving me more focus. _Reid looked down at the paper in his hand and headed to the room where Derek, Elle and JJ were looking over everything. Reid tacked this new clue on the board and got a cup of coffee. He was going to need this for focus too.


	11. Chapter one  part three

Chapter One-part three

A mom forgives us all our faults, not to mention one or two we don't even have. ~Robert Braul

The hours simply dragged on and the only a few things had changed: he had figured out that the paper was a code and that he needed a book to figure it. Elle had gone home to get some sleep and that the girl from the video now had a name: Rebecca Bryant. Other than that they were at square one. Which book was the all consuming question in his mind. It was starting to give him a headache and that damn poem was playing in his head on a loop. _Never would it be night, but always clear day to any man's sight_. Reid repeated it to himself and Morgan just shook his head.

"Ok I can buy our addresses in the system, but all this other stuff I didn't even know about us. Like JJ's butterfly collecting or Gideon's favorite baseball player. You mean to tell me the database has all this on us." _My mom would,_ thought Reid.

"I heard somewhere before I just can't remember where."

"Thought you had a photographic memory," teased Morgan.

"I have an eidetic memory and it's for things I've read, but this is something I've heard."

"Which leaves us no where," muttered Morgan. Gideon came into the room and ordered Morgan and JJ to head to Boston to talk to the missing girl's family. Hotch and Gideon we're going to talk to the guy who delivery the package to Hotch's house.

"What do you want me to do?" asked Reid.

"Stay here and try to figure out this code. The profile is here we just have to find it," said Gideon. The left and Reid poured himself another cup of coffee.

He went over to the white board and thought about possible book titles. They're were thousands of books of published each year. _1963...but Gideon said he went to all the games in 59. So why send us a 1963 card. The year of book, it must be from 1963. Garcia maybe she can get me a list of books from 1963._

"Yeah that's not going to happen," said Garcia when Reid asked her if she could get him a master list of all books published that year.

"Ok maybe you can find a poem for me. Never would it be night, but always clear day to any man's sight." _It has to mean something, everything he has given us has meant something._ Garcia typed it in and it started to come to him slowly in pieces. The poem was from Chaucer, his mom used to read it to him. The Parliament of Fowles. The poem is Fowles...the baseball card is from 1963...the butterfly from Great Britain. The book had to come from Great Britain, had to be from 1963...

_Found it! _

"John Fowles: The Collector." The feeling of success short lived. A call came from a man calling himself the Fisher King and he informed them that by breaking the rules by having a press conference had just cost Elle Greenway her life. _No..._

…_..._

Hotch and Gideon went to the hospital to see how Elle was doing and they left Reid and Garcia very clear instructions, to solve the code no matter what. It took some time, but one of the libraries Reid contacted had the book he was looking for in the 1st edition.

"Wonderful. Ms. Volaz, I'm going to read you a series of numbers. The first is a page number, the second is a line number and the third is the number of the word on that line."

"Alright." Reid read her off the first series of numbers and Garcia would write the word on the white board. It took some time for the code to be worked out, but this was clearly the work of their Un-Sub.

_The path to the end/Began at his start/To find her first calm/Her long broken heart/She sits in a window/With secrets from her knight/Is it adventure that keeps/Him out of her sight. What the hell does it mean? _ Reid looked at all the things on the board and felt a mind numbing panic take off. _How could __he have been so foolish._

"It's never night in Las Vegas!" He grabbed the phone and asked to be connected to the field office closest to Vegas. Garcia was looking at him like he had finally gone crazy.

"This is Dr. Spencer Reid at the the Behavioral Analysis Unit. I need my mother picked up and brought to Virginia in protective custody as soon as possible."

"Why?" asked the officer.

"We're searching for an Un-Sub who shot one of our agents today and I believe he may know my mother and that she might be in danger."

"We can do that right away Dr. Reid, we need her location."

"She's at...she's at Bennington Sanitarium in Las Vegas. Her name is Diana Reid and she's a patient there."

"We can have her to you in three hours. Where would you like to meet her?" asked the officer.

"Please bring her here the the BAU offices." The officer assured him that it would be done and Reid hung up the phone and he forgot Garcia was still there and she was looking at him confused.

"I really...really need some air." He moved quickly passed Garcia and almost ran out of the building. The sun was so bright it almost hurt his eyes after being shut up for so long. He told his mother everything and now because of that he had placed his team in danger and Elle could be dead. He told her everything for two reasons: because he thought it was safe and because he had no one else to tell. He took a deep breath and reached for his phone. His mother would need someone to look out for her in case he got called into the field and while he trusted JJ and Garcia they didn't know his mother.

"Hi Lacey...I need you to do me a favor." After he got off the phone with Lacey he went back inside and sat down at his desk trying to wrap his mind around what had just happened. Garcia came up to him and sat on his desk.

"They just picked your mom up and they should have her on a plane soon." Reid looked at the poem in the evidence bag and shook his head.

"I can't believe I forgot she used to read this to me. It's funny huh?"

"What's funny?" asked Garcia.

"I should have realized it sooner that I'm the only one who knows that JJ collects butterflies. People tell me their secrets all the time because I have no one to betray them to. Expect my mother...I tell her everything."

"No one would mind, she's your mom," said Garcia. She gave him a smile and Reid realized that maybe he could be honest with someone other than his mom or Catherine for once.

"You know I write her a letter every day."

"That's sweet."

"It depends on why I do it. I write her letters so I don't feel guilty about not visiting her...did you know that schizophrenia is genetically passed?"

"So is high blood pressure. Just because she has it doesn't mean you're going to have it."

"You sound like Catherine." Garcia smiled.

"How is that going by the way?" Reid shifted in his seat.

"Can we have this conversation later?"

"No we can't get any where else with this until your mom gets here so give it up."

"There's nothing to give up. We're just friends." Garcia gave him a look.

"I saw how you looked at her when she was being taken out of her...that's more than just friends sweet cheeks."

"I care a great deal about Catherine and whatever thing we have going right now is just right and both us aren't in any hurry to change what is going on." Garcia nodded and got off his desk.

"Your secrets are safe with me sir." She headed back to her tech room to do more repair on her system and now all Reid had to do was wait.

…...

"You know that's why you're so skinny...too much coffee." Reid looked up and saw his mother looking at him. She looked slightly frazzled but annoyed at him.

"Thank you guys. I got her now." The agents nodded and Reid could only imagine what fresh hell his mother had put them through on a three hour non stop flight.

"You know how much I hate flying!" she spat.

"I know and I'm sorry."

"Than why did you have those fascist arrest me and bring me here."

"Mom they're not fascist and they didn't arrest you." Reid had learned early on that explaining things quickly to her stopped her from going on a rant. "I'm trying to protect you."

"By forcing me to do the one thing that frightens me than anything in the world?" Reid sighed and shoved his hands into his pockets. He suddenly felt like he was ten years old again.

"I need your help with something." Reid took her up to the conference room where all the evidence was.

"This is where you work?" She looked around impressed.

"This is where we meet. My desk is out there in the bull pen area." Reid pointed out the window, but she wasn't paying attention.

"The table is round."

"Just like I wrote you." A small smile came to her lips as she walked around the table.

"Yes, just like you wrote me in your letters." The smile dimmed a little. "The doctor gave me the book you brought. Marjorie Kemp"

"She's your favorite."

"That book is one of her minor works." Reid shoved his hands into his pockets and tried to hide the feeling that maybe she wasn't as proud of him as everyone said. She went over to the board where all the evidence was hanging and yanked one of the notes down.

"Mom don't just grab stuff off the board it's evidence." She looked ashamed and Reid mentally counted to ten before talking to her again. "Mom the Un-sub...I mean the bad guy that we're looking for knows things about my colleagues personal lives. Things that only you would know...did you write about them in your journals." She glared at him and grew hostile.

"My journals are none of the government's business," she snapped looking around the room as if expecting a man in black to come out of nowhere.

"I'm not the government!"

"Well it certain looks like a government office!" _Count to ten and think it out before you let out,_ was something one of his many counselors had told him growing up.

"Mother do you write about my colleagues personal lives?" he asked calmly and she but her head in her hands.

"Why did you bring me here Spencer?" she looked like she was on the verge of tears and Reid had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep it together.

"I need to ask you some things about a man you might know and he's killed some people and he's holding a girl hostage."

"You think I know anyone like that?" she asked in disdain.

"Could you just watch a tape and see if the voice sounds familiar?" It was a shot in the dark, but Reid was willing to take anything right now. She nodded and took a seat. Reid clicked the video on and the change in his mother was instant, she looked shocked and worried.

"Do you know him?" asked Reid.

"I'm sure that it's Randall Gardner. He was with me at the hospital and he is a very emotional disturbed man." Garcia came in with even more news, she had reached the end of her IP search and the Fisher King was Randall Gardner and he was Rebecca's biologic father. Reid called Hotch and told him that they had the identity of the Un-sub when he hung up he saw his mother pacing around the room.

"I can't believe she's real," said Diana.

"What do you mean?" asked Garcia.

"Whenever he talked about Rebecca he never mentioned that she was his daughter. He said all his children died in a fire. He spoke of a 'Rebecca', but it was more like she was an ideal."

"Like a grail. He thinks he is the Fisher King." Morgan and JJ walked in and looked at Diana confused.

"Who are we talking about?" asked Morgan.

" Randall Gardner is our Un-sub," said Reid.

"He thinks you're all modern day knights of the round table," said Diana. Morgan looked at Diana even more confused now.

"Derek Morgan this is my mother Diana Reid."

"This is your mother..." He clearly saw the physical resemblance but something about her seem even more ill at ease than the son. "It's an honor to meet you." Hotch walked in clearly ready to take heads off.

"So how do we find this son of bitch!" Ideas were quickly tossed around before his mother spoke up and started digging through her bag.

"Before your agents got me from the hospital a man at delivered this to me." She pulled out what looked like a postcard. "It's a photo of a house with the address on the back." She handed it Reid and sat back down.

"Shiloh, Virginia is only ten miles from here," said Morgan.

_ "_I'm calling a SWAT unit and we're going in," said Hotch leaving the room and nearly running into Lacey bring Catherine with her.

"What are you doing here?" asked Hotch.

"I asked her to bring Catherine back so she could be with my mom," said Reid. Hotch's eyebrows went up a bit but he said nothing else and headed to his office. Morgan soon followed and JJ went to call Gideon at the hospital.

"Mom I have to go with them and get Rebecca back. But, Catherine is going to stay with you until I get back." Diana looked at Catherine full of distrust.

"Her...really Spencer."

"Mom I told you things between us are different now," he said quietly. "You used to like Catherine remember."

"That was before she broke your heart." said Diana and she signed it so Catherine would understand her. Catherine hung her head and started looking very hard at a coffee stain in the rug.

"Mother..." Spencer took a tone with her. "It's only for awhile. Please," he added quietly.

"I assume she's better than those two government drones you had bring me here," Diana admitted.

"Thank you." Reid went over to Catherine and Lacey. "Lacey if you wanna go home you can, my mother knows Sign Language so they can talk."

"Thanks Dr. Reid." Lacey left and Catherine looked at him.

"So she still hates me huh."

"Just a bit...I really didn't give her the full story of what happened," admitted Reid.

"Oh the one where we both look like jackasses. Go...I'll be fine," signed Catherine. Hotch called for him down the hall and Reid had no choice but to go and hopeful end this game once and for all.

…...

The house was huge, dark and in the middle of nowhere. _Of course where else would it be,_ thought Reid. SWAT took them up the house and found none of the doors locked or trapped. Reid wasn't surprised by that either. _We've finished the puzzle, but something still feels off._ The walked into the house and into a dining room where the ID of Elle Greenway sat.

"We're in the right place and he wants us to know," said Morgan. The search went quickly when Reid noticed something moving upstairs. The group headed up and into a hall way. The hall was T shaped with one lone room at the end of the hall. Reid went to the right and Morgan to the left. Reid looked around his corner and saw a shape move in the room.

"Ok, cover me I'm going in there," said Morgan and Reid stopped him. "What?"

" Mr. Gardner, my name is Spencer Reid. You were in the hospital with my mother and I think she might have confused you. All we want to do is help Rebecca and that's what you want to do. That's why you sent us on the quest."

"Ask the question!" hissed a voice from the room.

"There is no magical question Mr. Gardner." Morgan and Hotch looked over at. "He thinks there is a magical question and that it will heal all of his wounds."

"Do you know the question?" asked Hotch.

"I know what he wants. I'm going to move where he can see me," Reid stepped out of his hiding spot and went to head down the hall against Morgan and Hotch's hissed orders to get back in his place. He gave the SWAT officer his gun.

"Just stay calm."

"Ask the question Percival!"

"I'm not Percival. My name is Dr Spencer Reid with the FBI and you were in the hospital with my mother Diana."

"Ask the question so I may be healed and I'll give you the grail!" ordered the voice.

"She's not a grail, she's your daughter. Her name is Rebecca and we're here to help her."

"My daughters are dead, so is my son and my wife!" the voice was torn between tears and rage.

"Rebecca is alive."

"No your mother explained everything to me."

"My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic who would forget to eat if she wasn't properly medicated and supervised!" snapped Reid.

"She made me realize that Rebecca was never real so I never lost her in the first place." _Having her not be real was easier than the pain,_ thought Reid.

"She does exist and we're here to help her." Reid carefully opened the door and like something out of a spy movie the chair turned around and there sat something that was once a man wearing a bomb. The trigger in his hand shaking.

"Hotch...Morgan...I think it would be better if you guys waited downstairs."

"What?" asked Hotch.

"We need to talk alone up here," said Reid.

"Talk all you want , but we're not leaving," said Morgan. _Some people can't be warned, _ thought Reid.

"Ask the question and I'll be healed and you can have the grail!" he pleaded.

"I can't," said Reid.

"Heal me." The man that was once Randall Gardner moved quickly in the chair and Reid found himself bracing for the blast.

"Mr. Gardner a Fisher king wound can't be healed by somebody else. It's not a wound to the body, it's a wound to the memory and to the mind. It's a wound only you can heal." His hand started to shake on the trigger.

"Just. Ask. The. Question." he spat.

"The only question I can ask is and it is the most important one. Can you forgive yourself?"

"I couldn't get to them..."

"If you tell me where Rebecca is you can save her now."

"You already know I gave your mother the map."

"What map?" He looked at Reid coldly.

"Can I forgive myself..." Reid started backing out of the room. "No I can't!" Reid didn't need to hear anything else as he turned to run out of that room.

"RUN!" He screamed and he threw himself across the hallway. He felt fire on the back of pant leg and he wanted to scream. Morgan grabbed a table cloth and put the fire out.

"What the hell was that?" asked Hotch.

"He had a bomb," said Reid.

"A bomb!" snapped Morgan.

"I told you to go downstairs."

"No where in that sentence was 'He has a bomb!'" Yelled Morgan.

"Wait Rebecca has to be here," cried Reid.

"The house is on fire we don't have time for a search," ordered Hotch.

"Just let me think!" yelled Reid. "He gave us a map!"

"No he didn't it was just a picture of this house." said Morgan. _At the bottom of the house there was a light, _thought Reid.

"Basement! She's in the basement!" Reid pushed passed Hotch and Morgan looking for a basement door. They ran to the basement and found her chained to the floor, pulling at them.

"GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"The key! The youngest one holds the key!" yelled Morgan. Reid started searching his pockets.

"Tell me you have that damn key!" Reid pulled it out of his pocket and quickly unshackled Rebecca. Hotch picked her up like she was a rag doll and the four of them ran outside before the house exploded into flames, burning down the Fisher king's castle.

…... "It's so eerie to watch two people have a conversation without speaking," said JJ. She was watching Diana and Catherine sitting across from each other signing from outside the glass doors. It almost looked like a battle of wills between the two women.

"You wanna know what is being said?" asked Garcia coming up behind her. JJ looked at her.

"You know Sign Language."

"Once upon a time I had a crush on a very cute game programmer who was Deaf so I learned Sign. Only have him dump me for a blind girl.

"You lead a very full life." Garcia looked in and started to watch.

"You look so much like your grandmother...at least you got something from her," signed Diana.

"Some would say we both have the unnatural talent of pissing people off," signed Catherine.

"Your grandmother knew how to push buttons, but she stopped before anybody got hurt," signed Diana. Catherine paused and considered her next few sentences, she would gain no ground with Diana if she made her madder. A part of her hoped that maybe someday Spencer would want to try something more than friendship with her. But for now she felt repairing their friendship and his trust in her was the important thing between them.

"I know that I hurt Spencer in the past and nothing can take that back. We just could never get it right...he shot me down and than I did the same to him and we both know which buttons to press with each other to a get a reaction, be it good or bad reaction. I'm not looking for you to forgive me or understand me, that's up to Spencer. Right now we're not in a serious relationship with each other. I'm just asking that any decision he makes be in with me or any other person he decides to date you respect that decision. He...he wants your approval and that means more to him than any award or doctorate he gets in this life" Diana just looked at her blankly.

"Spencer turned you down?"

"Repeatedly." Diana gave her a small smile.

"I see you also inherited your grandmother undying persistence It's what got her tenure when she was only 30." Diana got a notebook out of her bag and started writing in it. Catherine looked out through the glass doors to see Garcia and JJ walking away quickly like they hadn't been ease dropping.

"Those two make terrible spies," signed Diana.

…...

After finding a pair of clothes that didn't smell like ash and smoke, Spencer went up to the conference room where his mother sat writing in her journal. Catherine sat across from her watching her.

"We did it mom...we found Rebecca...we saved her. You helped save her life." She didn't look up from what she was writing and Spencer walked closer to her.

"Is it time for lunch yet?"

"What?" asked Spencer.

"I'm lecturing in my room after lunch about Tristan and Isolde." It was another one of her favorites.

"Can I attend the lecture?" he asked grinning.

"Have you read the material?"

"I had them read to me." _I used to read it to her before going to bed. _

"That's the best way isn't it?" She smiled at him and than looked other to Catherine.

"Maggie you're welcome to come too," she said/signed. Catherine shook her head, it was clear Diana might not remember anything they had spoken about. But she was calling her by her grandmother's nick name so maybe things weren't so bad between them.

"Thank you Diana...but I have term papers to grade. Can I take a rain check?"

"If you must." Catherine stood up and looked at him. "Take care of her ok. I'll see you when you get home." She patted him on the arm and left the office.

_A good queen keeps the knight focused on the task at hand and she makes sure he doesn't stray from the quest or forget his duties to all the maidens. _ _She knows my duty now is to my mother and she's ok with that..._

"I'll be back in a moment Professor Reid, I need to ask her my extra credit project."

"Don't be late." Spencer nodded and followed Catherine out into the hallway.

"Thank you for looking after her. Was she alright with you?"

"We threw some chairs, she pulled my hair, I slapped her. Typical girl fight...I'm joking," she added seeing the look on his face.

"Not funny."

"Is Elle going to be ok?"

"She's going to be fine. Do you want me to get an agent to drive you home or..." Catherine cut him off.

"I'm fine. Your mom needs you right now. " She stood up on her toes and kissed him quickly on the cheek. "Good night." Garcia and Morgan looked at him from the bull pen and just smirked. He went back into the room where his mother was taking notes.

"Good you're just in time. Take a seat," said his mother. Spencer smiled and took his seat at the table.

…...

"I want you to know that any decision you make I will respect," said his mother on the last day of his visit. He took her back to Vegas on one of the FBI jets, but he would have to fly commercial home. It had been a good visit and Spencer promised that he would visit her at Christmas this year if he didn't have a case.

"What do you mean?" asked Spencer.

"I want you to understand one thing Spencer. As your mother no woman will ever be good enough for you. But I will respect your decisions."

"Did Catherine talk to you?"

"I watched you two when you were teenagers and I saw how you looked at her and how she looked at you. I saw those looks again. She does care about you very much."

"What if it doesn't work?" asked Spencer.

"You won't know unless you take a chance."

Taking a chance is what took him straight from the airport to the school. It was after school so the halls were deserted, but a few a students remembered him from the hostage situation and did double takes as he walked the halls. He walked in Catherine's class room and she looked up at from her desk.

"Hi." she stood up and went to hug him when he took a step back.

"I...really like you and I know we said that we were just going to be friends and I really like you as a friend, but I want more than just being your friend and..." He bent down to kiss her and his glasses fell off his face. Catherine bit the inside of cheek to keep from laughing and she bent down to pick them up. She handed them back to him and he put them back on quickly.

"I guess this is why dorks don't kiss," signed Spencer. Catherine shook her head.

"You wanna try meeting half way?" asked Catherine.

"Half way?" Catherine stood up on her tip toes and for once in his life Spencer got the hint.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. ~Albert Einstein

Notes-My dear husband lost his glasses the 1st time we kissed and did mutter the line about dorks not being able to kiss. We've been meeting half way since 2003. ^-^

I was also not a fan of The Fisher King 1 & 2 but it did give us some good Reid/Diana moments and well it gets on to season 2 where the good stuff happens

Thanks for all the add/alerts and reviews.


	12. Chapter one part four

Chapter one- part four

You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with.~Wayne W. Dyer

To: Catherine.

From: Spencer

Subject-How is this romantic?

I'm at a lost right now watching this movie. So to help another girl obtain an illegal abortion, a girl on her summer break agrees to take her place at a dance show and falls in love with a much older man? How is this considered a romantic movie?"

I'll be home tomorrow morning.

To: Spencer

From: Catherine

Subject/Reply-How is this romantic?

It's romantic because there is dance and Patrick Swyaze. Stop over analyzing Dirty Dancing my dear. I take it your case went well if you think you're coming home tomorrow morning. Do you want dinner at my place or yours?

To: Catherine

From: Spencer

Subject/Reply-How is this romantic?

My case went very well actually. We were able find the kid and he's going to be ok. Elle finally came back to work...it was trying to say the least. Can you meet me at my place? I'll buy dinner and let you pick the movie. No more 80's chick flicks though. Please, if you love me you'll spare me the torment.

…...

"He always has this goofy smile on his face now," said Garcia watching Reid get his morning cup of coffee.

"I'm sure that when he's ready for us to meet with her he'll bring her around," said Morgan.

"But he's soooo happy looking and we've never really got to talk with her and..."

"Drop it honey pot."

"But..." pleaded Garcia.

"Reid is a private person and this is something private for him." Garcia frowned at him and went back to her office. Morgan looked over at Reid.

"Have a nice weekend pretty boy?"

"Yeah."

"Anything interesting?"

"Not really."

"Sure," said Morgan grinning and went back to his work.

…...

"I hate Florida with a fiery burning passion," signed Spencer. Catherine looked up from her textbook.

"Does this mean you're not taking me to Disney World. Damn it I really wanted to go on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride," joked Catherine. She noticed that Spencer didn't return the smile. She sat her Japanese textbook and workbook aside.

"This was a bad one wasn't it?" He sighed, but didn't answer her. Catherine took his hand and put her head on his shoulder. Spencer leaned over and kissed her forehead. Seven girls in all had been tortured, raped and murder over two years and it was just one the cases that lingered and he still felt out of sorts even after being home for three days.

"I don't wanna talk about this one."

"Than we don't have too."

"Besides, you have a test on Thursday and you're supposed to be studying," Spencer placed the textbook and workbook back in front of her.

"I'm going to pass dad so relax," teased Catherine.

"I want you to do more than pass. I want you to excel." Catherine eyed him.

"If I can write all the hirgana and the katakana can I have a study break?"

"Yes." Catherine took two sheets of paper and wrote for a ten minutes straight and than handed the papers to him. Spencer skimmed over them.

"You missed a line here and here," Spencer circled her mistakes and Catherine made a face at him.

"You are impossible you know that."

"And you're being intellectual lazy," signed Spencer. Catherine looked at him mocked glared.

"Well compared to you the genius who got his first doctorate when I was just starting college everyone looks lazy."

"Point taken. Have your break."

"Thank you," she teased. Catherine moved closer to him and went to kiss him when he moved away.

"I ummm...I have to go...I have to go in early and ..." Catherine cut him off and she slightly put out.

"It's ok. I'll see you later." She picked up her textbook and started writing again.

"Night." Spencer left himself out and mentally kicked himself. He couldn't understand why he always froze up or walked away whenever things started to progress to a more physical level. He was very attracted to Catherine and they had been physical before, but it was different than. They were 18 years old, coming off serious stressful issues and he wasn't trying for a romantic relationship with her. He sighed, started heading home and thought about the impending cold shower he was going to take.

…...

To:

From:

Subject-Test Score

Got a 98 on my test which was the highest score in the class. Am I still intellectual lazy?

To:

From:

Subject/Reply-Test Scores

I feel an apology is in order for the lazy remark. I also feel an apology is in order for being distant with you. I know that I'm not the most physically affectionate person, but please believe me when I say it's not you. It's not you at all.

Can we talk about this when I get back from L.A?

Spencer.

…...

"What's going on in that head?" asked Morgan. Reid had a book in his lap, but he wasn't reading it. Reid shrugged.

"I'm not sure you would understand," said Reid.

"Try me." Reid bit his lip, Morgan had women fall over themselves to get to him he never had trouble with them. "Come on...spill it."

"Have you ever really liked someone emotional, but the thought of trying a physical relationship...makes you a nervous wreck?" asked Reid. Morgan repressed the urge to smile. _He's got it bad for her._

"Never found anyone who clicked with me emotional." Reid nodded. "The emotional relationship makes me the nervous wreck."

"I really like her Derek."

"It's better when it's complicated."

"What does that mean?" asked Reid

"If it doesn't make your heart race, if it doesn't make you wanna jump out of your skin, if it doesn't make you crazy. It's not worth it." Morgan got up and went back to his seat. Reid sat back in his seat and thought about what Morgan had said. _Yeah...she does that to me._

…...

It wasn't like Garcia planned on Catherine being here, even though she looked up all the credit card records and knew that she stopped here all the time for coffee and lunch. It was only illegal if she got caught and she wouldn't get caught. She saw the change in Reid and it was a positive one. One that she wanted to keep, but she wanted to see the cause behind the change to make sure it was the best for her young doctor.

Catherine got her coffee order and when she turned around there was the girl who worked all the tech stuff with Spencer.

"Hi...I'm Penelope. I worked with Reid," she signed. Garcia looked at the young woman and couldn't help put smile she looked so cute. She was wearing a blue plaid skirt and white shirt with blue ruffles and was wearing her long brown hair in a ponytail.

"Hello," signed Catherine looking at the blonde woman wearing one of the brightest pink outfits she had ever seen and she towered over Catherine due to her five inch heels.

"I'm sorry we really didn't get a chance to meet after everything that happened." Catherine found herself being taken over to a corner table and being sat down. "I was really hoping to get a chance to meet with you. Reid just keeps you all to himself." She was signing and talking just a mile a minute. Catherine couldn't seem to find a break in the conversation.

"So how long have you and Reid been dating seriously?" asked Garcia finally taking a breath.

"Almost five months and..."Catherine found herself being cut off again.

"Wow that is longer than all the other team's relationships put together...well unless you count Hotch's marriage and that thing Derek had with that shanky waitress who works at the pancake house over near the Circle. You are much cuter than her too."

"Thank you,"signed Catherine. This was turning into the most one sided bizarre conversation she had ever been apart of.

"I just have to say you are the sweetest person I have ever met and I can see why Reid really likes you. He just comes into work with the super dopy grin on his face and it just soo unlike him."

"Really?" asked Catherine.

"Oh totally and I can see why. You are just too cute for words. You're like a mini doll...you're so tiny I wanna take you home and play dress up with you. Not in a freaky way. You're just the size of a my sized Barbie," signed Garcia. Catherine just took a sip of her coffee and watched her carry on. _Spencer is going to love this._

"So tell me about yourself," signed Garcia taking a sip of her coffee. Garcia watched her sign about her job teaching French at the high school, how she was trying to finish a degree in Japanese, how she and Reid had met and she just smiled. Yup her baby picked a good one.

…...

"She just ambushed you like that?" asked Spencer.

"She's sweet. A little loud and out there, but she is sweet," signed Catherine. Spencer had just finished his L.A case and they were at his apartment and Catherine was telling him about what had happened with Garcia.

"She seemed worried that I was a succubus of some sort because you don't bring around," joked Catherine.

"Would you like to be around my friends more?" asked Spencer toying with his dinner.

"They seem to be a huge part of your life and well if we're going to be...serious...it would be nice to meet them. You know on other occasions when guns are not being pointed at my head or people are stalking you."

"Funny...very funny Catherine."

…...

"I was super nice to her," pleaded Garcia.

"You stalked his girlfriend," said JJ. They were waiting for Morgan, Reid and Catherine to meet them for dinner.

"But I was really, really, really nice to her!"

"Would you stalk my boyfriends?" asked JJ.

"If your boyfriends are causing a sudden mood change and the like than yes I will follow them to the end of the world to see if they are good enough for my babies." JJ grinned and took a sip of her drink.

"So what is she like?"

"She's good for him JJ. She's sort of quite, she's smart...well not Reid smart. She finished high school when she was 16, she has a Master in Education, a few minors in languages, she's getting one right now in Japanese. They just seem so cute together." JJ smiled and took a sip of her drink. She watched Morgan, Reid and Catherine come up the table.

"Catherine you remember Garcia and this is JJ." Catherine waved hello to both of them and sat down.

"No Elle tonight?" asked Derek.

"She said that she was just tired and needed a break," said JJ.

"How was your day?" asked Garcia signing. Catherine started signing back and Spencer turned to watch and started speaking for her.

"Well I spent my lunch hour consoling a girl from my senior class whose summer boyfriend broke up with today for and I quote, 'that shank Cece because she's younger with bigger boobs.' She's a junior who clearly stuffs her bra." JJ, Morgan and Garcia broke out in laughter.

"Never thought I would hear Reid use the word boobs in a sentence," said Morgan.

"I didn't, she did," said Reid.

"Is he making fun of you?" asked Catherine.

"He does it all the time," said/signed Reid.

"It's all in good fun," said/signed Garcia

"Ok Reid I have to ask how your able to know what she is signing when you're not looking at her hands?" asked JJ. Reid signed his answer while speaking it so Catherine could follow the conversation.

"I am looking at her hands, but sign language is more than just the movement of the hands. It's also about the facial expressions and body language of the person that is speaking. You maintain eye contact with me when I'm speaking. The same thing applies here, just not with spoken words."

"How long did it take you to learn it?" asked JJ.

"I learned it in five days."

"Of course you did," said Morgan.

"He's giving you crap again," signed Catherine.

"See she knows that you're Reid crap again without you signing based on your body language," said Garcia.

"So it's physical profiling," said Morgan.

"In a way," signed Catherine. Dinner was ordered and with Reid and Garcia interpreting JJ found herself starting to warm up to the younger woman. She kept watching how Reid kept looking over at her, that dopy grin on his face. She also saw Morgan looking at the couple with a small smile on his face.

"Well, I'm done for the night," said Morgan reaching for his wallet.

"It's only ten," said Garcia.

"Let me rephrase that...I'm done for the night here. Wanna come dancing with Princess?"

"Oh of course Sweet Prince," said Garcia. Catherine signed something to Reid and he almost choked on his drink.

"I missed it! What did she say?" asked Garcia.

"She wanted to how long you and Morgan had been together," smirked Reid.

"Oh no...no..no...no...no..."

"Baby one no is enough." Catherine looked to Reid and signed again.

"She was just going by the profile," said Reid.

"Stick to teaching French honey," said Garcia. "Night everyone." Morgan and Garcia left and JJ suddenly felt herself feeling like the true third wheel.

"I think I'm going to call it a night too kids. Catherine it was very nice to meet you." JJ stood up and gave Catherine a hug. "See ya on Monday." She grabbed her coat from the coat check and looked over to where Catherine and Reid were sitting next to each other and signing to each other like they were they only people in the world. _Good for you Reid._

…...

"So I guess I'll see later," signed Catherine after getting back to her apartment.

"Actually I don't have to go into work tomorrow so if you don't mind me coming in for a little bit," signed Reid.

"Ok," she let them in and headed to the kitchen. "You want any tea?"

"Sure." Spencer took a deep breath. _If it doesn't make you crazy it's not worth it. _Catherine brought them out some tea and he sat next to her on sofa.

"So they're really not dating?" asked Catherine curling herself up on the sofa.

"That's the story..." Catherine couldn't stop giggling.

"Oh that's what they want you think." _Just do it damn it fortune favors the bold, _thought Spencer. He leaned over, took the cup out of her hands and kissed her. She seemed surprised at first and than trying to get herself into a more comfortable position for them. It ended up with her in his lap and his hands on hips.

"I love you," signed Spencer. Catherine looked at him surprised, she could count on one hand how many times he had told her that he loved her in the past five months.

"I love you too," signed Catherine. He pulled her back into another kiss and started moving his hands up her shirt. She pulled away from him slowly.

"Do you...do you want to go to my room?" asked Catherine slowly. Spencer took a deep breath and nodded and Catherine got off him.

"Can you give me a few minutes...it's kind of messy back there," joked Catherine.

"Sure." She went back into her bedroom and he counted to a hundred before finally finding the nerve to head the few feet to her bedroom. She had made the bed and had a few lit candles by the bed. Spencer sat down on the bed and wiped his hands on his pants. The bathroom door opened and Catherine stood there looking slightly nervous and embarrassed, she was wearing a short cream colored night gown.

"I look really silly," signed Catherine and she seemed frozen in place. Spencer stood up and went over to her.

"You look amazing. Catherine, you're so pretty." She went completely red in the face and he bent down and kissed her. "I really, really love you."

"I know."

"Love is an emotion experienced by the many and enjoyed by the few."

- George Jean Nathan

Notes-Daniel Tosh gave us the Dirty Dancing plot joke. I somehow seeing Reid pointing that out that plot detail.

Ep's referenced – P911, The Perfect Strom and Psychodrama


	13. Chapter one  part five

Chapter one part five

Nobody, as long as he moves about among the chaotic currents of life, is without trouble.  
>Carl Jung<p>

Six months later

"Have you seen my socks?" asked Spencer.

"Which pair?" asked Catherine looking up from a letter.

"The one with the purple strips and the other with the green strips."

"Those are at your place." She went back to the letter and sat down to see what she was reading. _Ms. __Dueringer,_

_ We have received your recent test scores and based on your past experience with studying abroad we would like to offer you an opportunity to accompany a select group of teachers and students to Nippon College in Tokyo, Japan for a three month study program._

Spencer skimmed through the rest of the letter detailing that she would have to take additional testing, meet with the staff of her school and the school in Japan, and other details about the program should she be selected.

"This is a really good opportunity," signed Spencer.

"I'm not going," signed Catherine sitting the letter aside.

"What? You've been working non stop with this language for almost a year and they're handing you a golden ticket into the country to study. You've studied abroad before."

"That was different. I was sixteen and that was France and at least the signing was sort of similar to ALS. I'm twenty five now and yeah I've done the writing and reading part of Japanese, but JLS is totally different and they tend to be a more oral based culture than a sign based culture thus leaving me totally lost," explained Catherine.

"Anything else?"

"Umm yeah, my job and my students. Someone would have to take over my French classes and my duties to the Junior class council. My apartment would sit empty for three months. Oh and my boyfriend..." Spencer cut her off.

"Who wants you to go and thinks this would be really good for you." He really couldn't believe that she would even think of turning down such an amazing chance for her to advance professionally and for of all things: him.

"I think you're trying to get rid me."

"No, I think this is a great career move for that you should take advantage of." Catherine sat the letter aside.

"You wouldn't miss me if I went away for three months?"

"Well of course I would miss you, but this is something you might only get one chance at and I wouldn't want you to miss it because of me. Just apply for it, do the test and the interviews the worst thing they can tell you is no," signed Spencer.

"You will be responsible for my apartment while I'm gone you know that right," signed Catherine.

"Why don't you just move your apartment?" asked Spencer.

"What?"

"Well I have a feeling it's not the apartment that you're worried about. It's your stuff in the apartment that you're worried about and we could rectify that by moving your stuff into my place." Catherine gave him a look. "Or a place that we could both agree on."

"Are you asking me to move in with you?"

"Well I mean cohabitation would make sense, we both spend so much time together and it would defiantly make life easier on both of us when trying to find where we left our stuff."

"Your serious...you wanna move in with me."

"Yes. I mean...unless you don't want to. I mean I totally understand if you want to keep your own personal space." She leaned over and kissed his check.

"That was one of the sweetest and dorkiest things to ever come out of your mouth."

"I take it to mean your answer is yes." She just grinned at him.

"I think you might have one purple sock around here somewhere. Come on we're going to be late and you know what they'll say if were late." Catherine headed into the bed room and Spencer sat there grinning. He had been debating the idea of her moving in with him for sometime now and was worried that she wouldn't want to move in. They had been dating for almost a year now and somehow had managed to make it work without a lot of stress.

She understood that his job would take him away for days at time and when he wasn't on the road he was in the office for hours. He understood that her job was also all consuming at times, she had taken up being the teacher sponsor for the Junior class council; which was her making she the elected students maintain their GPA and playing peace maker between the student and the principal when the class wanted something. Not mention her own continuing education that she was close to finishing. They did make a rule though of no matter what was going on or where they were one e-mail or one phone call was to be made during the day or in the evening, just to touch base on what was going on. The time spent together either at her place or his place was calming for both of them, it was just nice to have someone to be with at the end of the day. Spencer was still after almost a year trying to wrap his mind around the idea he had someone to talk to at the end of the day who didn't work with him. She came out the bed room holding one purple sock and one blue striped one.

"Will these work?"

…...

They were meeting everyone at a bar for a post Super Bowl Party. He spotted Emily sitting with Hotch and Haley. Emily waved them over.

"Never thought you would be late," teased Hotch.

"Emily, this is my girlfriend Catherine. Catherine, this is Emily," said/signed Spencer c introducing them. Catherine had yet to meet Emily since she had only come to the team a few weeks ago.

"It's nice to meet you," signed Emily.

"You sign?" asked Catherine surprised. Morgan and JJ were able to hold small talk with her, but Spencer or Garcia still had to interpret her end of the conversation back to them. Catherine had yet to really meet with Hotch or Gideon, despite Spencer almost endless rambling about them and how great it was to work with the best in field. It would be nice to have another person to talk with.

"My mom insisted I learn it. It's nice to see it finally come in handy. Spencer talks about you a lot," signed Emily.

"I think JJ was able to get guys some seats near her and the first round is on me," said Hotch. They thanked Hotch and found the table JJ was able to get them. She had left the table and was playing darts with two guys and was clearly winning.

"No! The Original Series ran until May of 1969," said a girl sitting at the table.

"It was June," countered her male friend.

"It was June 3rd 1969 at 8 pm Eastern Standard time," said Spencer.

"What?" asked Catherine seeing him talk.

"They're fighting about Star Trek: The Original Series," said/signed Spencer.

"Oh boy...if you're going to get into a nerd pissing contest at least win us some drinks," joked Catherine.

"You know your Original?" asked the guy.

"I know them all," countered Spencer and Catherine shook her head and started watching the nerd pissing contest.

"Prove it!" countered the girl.

"I do and you buy me and my girlfriend's drinks," said Spencer. It turned into the biggest nerd drinking fest ever. Even though he wasn't signing to her she got the impression he was clearly winning and being a show off by the number of drinks on the table. She dreaded taking him home, he was such a light weight, almost as bad as she was.

"I will not peddle flesh...I am a physician. Yeah drink," cried Spencer taking another shot.

"I can't lose anymore money on this. You play well sir. Enjoy your ill gotten gains."

"I will," said Spencer taking another drink. The couple left the table and he turned to Catherine.

"I can't drink all these," he signed and pushed another drink her way.

"I should have had them buy us food, you are going to be so hammered," teased Catherine taking the drink.

"I proved my elite skills and that's all that matters."

"Oh yes you have skills. Chug a lug Pooh bear and I will see those skills curled up on the bathroom floor in the morning."

"You are funny. You wanna see a magic drink..I mean trick."

"Oh now it's Two Drink Spencer who loves dancing and knows a magic trick." Catherine took a another drink from him.

"I don't like dancing."

"Oh wait that's Six Drink Spencer who loves dancing." He went to say something else when a very grim JJ came up to the table.

"Sorry to end the night, but we got a case." Spencer felt the effects of the drinks fade quickly.

"I need to get her home first," said Spencer.

"Get home and grab a go bag. We're heading down south, I'll give you all the details at the BAU." JJ signed a good bye to Catherine and she looked at him.

"And No Drink Spencer goes to work and catches serial killers," signed Catherine.

"Yep that is what No Drink Spencer does," he tossed a tip on the table and they headed out. They got a ride back to his place with Garcia.

"Can I just crash at your place tonight? I had too many drinks," signed Catherine.

"Are you Six Drink Catherine?" asked Spencer.

"Six Drink Catherine passes out on your bed and spends tomorrow hiding a hangover." They got his place and Catherine got on the sofa while Spencer packed a go bag. He bent down next to and kissed her forehead.

"I'll text you in the morning." He got the blanket off the back of the sofa and covered her up. He set her cell alarm to wake her up in the morning for classes and put it on the sofa so she would feel it vibrate when it went off and than he sat a glass of water and a bottle of pain killers on the table.

"I love you," signed Catherine." You're so nice."

"I know. I'll see you when I come home." Catherine nodded and fell asleep. Spencer kissed her forehead again and left the apartment.

…...

"It never fails just when I'm about to get my groove on. It's BAM back to the BAU," protested Morgan downing his coffee.

"You know statistically a case doesn't come in with any more frequency when you're at a party or gathering than not. It's a trick of the mind to remember the ones that come in while having fun." Garcia and Emily both fought back giggles.

"Well that's over!" muttered JJ picking up the remote and turning on the flat screen. "Georgia: a couple, Dennis and Lacy Kyle were murdered an hour ago in their Atlanta home. The police got a call from the one of the Un-Subs telling them that the other Un-Sub was about to commit the murder."

"You're kidding," said Morgan.

"It was from inside the house," said JJ. _Well if that's not horror movie 101 I don't know what is, _thought Spencer.

"The first man sounded terrified and begged them to get there before the other man, who gave his name to be Raphel killed the 'sinners' who lived there," said JJ.

"Sinners?" asked Hotch.

"I'm having PD send Garcia a copy of the call," said JJ.

"How fast was the police response time?" asked Spencer.

"Around 4 minutes and 26 second and in that time they managed to do this." JJ clicked the remote and pictures of the dead couple filled the room. It was a blood bath that Spencer wished he could say was unlike anything he had ever seen, but the speed of the kill was frightening.

"Mr. Kyle was a millionaire so there is going to be press," warned JJ. "Also when the police arrived they found this displayed." She clicked the remote again and it was a blood splattered page from the Bible with a passage highlighted.

"Revelations: Chapter 6, Verse 8," said Hotch.

"So they're killing sinners and on a mission," said Morgan.

"Mission based killers will not stop killing until caught," said Spencer.

"Wheels up in twenty," said Gideon. Everyone got up from the table, Garcia went to her office and the rest headed for the cars to take them to the air strip. _This is going to be a bad one,_ thought Spencer idly picking up his bags.

…...

Gideon was holding the evidence bag that contained the Bible passage and was looking at it full of sadness and disdain.

"Are you ok," asked Spencer. He had been acting off since they picked this case up. "You seem unhappy."

"I am unhappy, I'm tired of people using religion to justify the terrible things they do," said Gideon.

"So these killers are on a mission," asked the sheriff.

"These mission based killers either believe they're doing this for God or that the Bible is leading them somehow," explained Spencer.

"How many times was Mr. Kyle stabbed?" asked Gideon.

"It wasn't stabbing so much as a slicing. He was sliced on the neck, sliced from the groin to the leg and from the wrist to upper arm."

"That hits all the major arteries," said Spencer.

"That would explain why they died so quickly," said Gideon.

"We got here as fast as we could," said the sheriff.

"It wasn't your response time," said Morgan.

"Actually it's on par with New York City's response time. 3.2 minutes," said Spencer.

"And they have a lot more cops," said Morgan walking around the room. "Ok I'm the Un-Sub and I know my partner just called the police so now the clock is ticking. I enter the bedroom and take out Mr. Kyle."

"How do you figure that?" asked the sheriff.

"In a blitz attack like this I take out the biggest threat first which is Mr. Kyle," said Morgan.

"You also hear Mrs. Kyle screaming in the background," said Gideon

" And you can't scream with your throat cut," said Spencer.

"So she sees her husband murdered she runs to the bathroom and I force my way in. Finishing her in here." The door had a bloody hand print on it supporting Morgan theory.

"The print is very odd, it had no detail like the killer wore latex gloves," said the sheriff.

"That makes no sense," said Morgan.

"Why?" asked the sheriff.

"Un-subs that suffer from a delusional that they are doing this for God are what we call 'Disorganized' and generally don't clean up after themselves," explained Spencer.

"Maybe Un-sub number one made them wear gloves," said Morgan. His phone rang and it was Garcia from Morgan's greeting.

"Is a settee a little couch?" asked Morgan after a pause. "A viral what? Is there some point to all this baby girl?" The look on Morgan's face was that of pure shock.

"There is a video of this murder on the Internet!" Morgan looked at the laptop and ordered it to be bagged and taken back to be looked at. Gideon looked at the computer like it was a diseased thing that should be taken out and burned with the other dead.

"Since Garcia is at home, that makes you are tech boy here," said Morgan after the lap top had been bagged.

"Joy," said Spencer.

"Let's head back to the station and see what message these Un-subs are trying to give us."

…...

Spencer was sitting away from the group trying to figure out how best to handle the laptop while the rest of the team watched the video Garcia had sent them. He was half listening when Emily's declaration that they might have a third Un-sub caught his attention.

"It could be a voice from a religious program," countered Morgan.

"Punish you seven times?" asked JJ.

"Means five more victims," said Gideon.

"That video is being filmed from right where we found the laptop," said Morgan.

"So if that video came from that computer's camera than what did the Un-subs leave it behind?" asked Hotch.

"So far it appears to be the Kyle's personal laptop. Garcia can give you a better analysis, but so far all I'm finding is bank statements and vacation photos," said Spencer.

"If they didn't bring a camera how was this filmed?" muttered Gideon. Spencer looked at the computer and felt a wave of panic. He and Catherine had video chatted a few times using two of Garcia's throw away computers and the camera was built right in. He got up calmly as possible and asked the detective if the building has wireless.

"Yes, just got it last year."

"The camera is on right now." whispered Spencer. "The computer connected itself to the Internet and is streaming a video feed somewhere."

"Can we trace the feed?" asked Hotch.

"If he keeps it open and we give Garcia some time..." Spencer looked back at the computer to see it had gone black. He sat down to see the following message: The Armies of Satan shall not prevail and than the computer shut itself off.

"He must be controlling it remotely," said Spencer. Hotch called Garcia and she started walking them through how unbelievable easy it was to hack into a computer and take control of it.

"This video is now the most downloaded video on the web and judging by the responses they think it's pretty cool," said Garcia sadly.

"They probably don't even think it's real," said JJ.

"Well the Un-sub is right about one thing, the world is pretty screwed up," said Morgan.

…...

They sat down after a fifteen break, during which Spencer sent Catherine a text to not download any video sent to her until he came back and that he might be gone a few more days than he expected. She was most likely in class right now and wouldn't return his text until this evening when she would assume he was free from distraction. That was another thing he appreciated about Catherine, she wasn't clingy and overly needy for his attention. She knew when he was home and free she would have his undivided attention. He quickly sent her another text, a reminder to apply for the abroad program while he was gone.

He hoped that he wasn't coming across as pushy, but he was proud of her and really wanted her to go for this. He was still a little surprised and taken back that she would give this up for him. No one ever gave up anything for him, his own mother wouldn't even quit smoking for him even when he told her how much each cigarette took off her life. His own father didn't give him anything and here was Catherine willing to stay with him. It wasn't because she was needy, it was because she cared about the relationship. He would miss her, he would miss her a great deal but there was always e-mail and phones. However, after this case he might have to swear off video chatting for awhile or using any computer that had a camera. He put his phone away and headed back inside to discuss the case in greater detail.

It was quickly agreed on that the murders had the makings of a slaughter or a sacrifice. Hotch said they couldn't find anything similar in the whole state of Georgia . Leading him to believe that this was the Un-subs first time out.

"At least one team member believes that he is killing in the name of God and it would lead you to believe him to be disorganized, however they are taking forensic counter measures and one of them that is controlled enough to do complex computer work," said Spencer. "However the organized personalty can seem to the control the frenzy partner. Normally the frenzy partner takes direction from the calmer personalty."

"So what do we have?" asked Gideon.

"A team that doesn't seem to function normally," said Emily.

"I just finished looking over all unsolved knife murders in the area and nothing comes up," said JJ.

"Not surprising, this pair is new," said Hotch.

"Well I took a different route and started looking at home invasions and three months ago someone reported a prowler outside the Kyle's home."

"A prowler?" asked Spencer.

"Outside the Kyle's home. He said he was walking his dogs and saw a man jump the fence dressed in black. He called from a cell phone, but by the time the police got there he was gone," said JJ.

"Is their a description of the man?" asked Hotch.

"Not in this case file," said JJ.

"Name of the witness?" asked Hotch.

"A Tobias Hankel, lives about an hour from here," said JJ.

"It's a long shot but take Reid with you," said Hotch.

"On it," Spencer followed JJ out to the parking lot when his phone went off.

_I just sent it in this morning dad. I should hear back in a few weeks. Later._

"Catherine?" asked JJ.

"She's trying to get me to stop nagging her about applying for an overseas program. She was letting me know that she applied this morning and would talk to me later," said Spencer. They got in the car and JJ key the address in the GPS.

"Overseas. For how long?" asked JJ.

"It would only be three months," said Spencer.

"That is a long time to be away from home. Won't you miss her?"

"Can we at least put the car into 'Drive' before we start on my relationship?" asked Spencer. JJ grinned and started the drive.

"To answer your question: yes I will miss her, but I don't want to hold her back from going places and I would hope that if our situations were different Catherine would support me in wanting to try something like that. Besides, considering we average almost three months out of the year away from home on cases, I feel this is fair," said Spencer.

"We're not home three months out of the year?" asked JJ.

"On average," said Spencer. "I asked her to move it with me." JJ almost ran a stop sign.

"Are you trying to kill me before we get there?" asked Spencer when she slammed on the brakes at the last minute.

"That is a big step," countered JJ.

"Considering we spend almost all our free time together and debating who is sleeping where and what night, it would be easier to just have one place to settle it." JJ turned onto a by pass and looked at the GPS.

"Ok I know Hotch is married so that explains how his relationship works, but seriously how do you spend so much time apart and make it work?" asked JJ.

"We just do...she knows what my job wants from me, I know what her job wants from her and they time we do get to spend together we just spend it together. I try to not think about when the next case is going to come in and I have to spend on average three to four days away from home. She's not overly needy, but early on we agreed that we would either text or e-mail once a day...just to say hi or about what happened during the day. She doesn't care about the 'I love you' thing."

"Wait what 'I love you' thing?" Spencer kicked himself, he was sure to get an earful now.

"I don't tell Catherine I love her all the time. You know when you get off the phone and you add I love you. I don't do that." JJ looked at him out of the corner of her eye clearly confused.

"Why not, you love her don't you?" asked JJ trying to figure this out.

"I love her very much, however after you say it over and over again it starts to lose its meaning. I don't want it to lose its meaning. So we agreed that the 'I love you' would be used sparingly."

"So how many times have you said the L word?"

"Ten times."

"In almost a year of dating you've only said I love you ten times," said JJ surprised.

" And she can remember each time I've said it," countered Spencer. " Can you tell me every time your boyfriends said 'I love you."

"Point taken," said JJ. "How many times as Catherine said it?"

"Twenty five...and yes I can tell you each time she said it."

"You two...only you two."

…...

It had been close to sunset when they left the station and the GPS lost it's signal in the middle of now where along with cell signal. It was well past dark when they reached Henkel's home.

"Can we tell Hotch we got lost and come back in the morning?" asked JJ.

"You really wanna tell Hotch that." JJ mocked glared at him and they started to front door. The house looked run down even in the dark, a large corn field was surrounding them on three sides and a huge barn near the back of the house. It looked like someone was home, the lights were on but no one was answering.

"Maybe we can come back," said Spencer hopeful. JJ knocked again and the door opened. A man in his early thirties with dirty blond hair and a trimmed beard/goatee opened the door enough for them to see his face and upper body.

"Mr. Henkle?" asked JJ.

"Yes," he asked looking slightly nervous.

"We're with the FBI, I'm Agent J and this is Agent Reid." He pulled out his badge to show as proof.

"FBI?"

"May we come in?" asked Spencer. Three cups of coffee and a soda later were finally getting to him.

"I'm sorry I don't let anyone in the house," he seemed really quite and unassuming, but very cautious.

"I'm really sorry...but I have to you know...go," said Spencer.

"You do?" asked JJ half looking at him with her smile turning into a grimace. She wanted out of here, something was just triggering all the bells in her head.

"My Father doesn't like people in the house while he's resting."

"Your father...you're like thirty?" His demeanor changed slightly.

"At what age do we stop respecting the wishes of our parents?" JJ decided to get this back on topic and quickly.

"You witnessed an event a few months ago that might be very helpful to us," said JJ.

"I did?" he asked confused.

"Yeah you saw someone go over a wall and into a back yard. You called the police," prompted JJ.

"Me?" He seemed very confused.

"You didn't?" asked JJ.

"I'm sorry."

"Is there a Tobias Henkle here?" asked JJ, maybe it was the man's father who had seen the intruder.

"Just me and my father Charles."

"We have a report on file listing you as calling 911, you were walking your dog," JJ hoped that something would jog his memory, but he just looked at her blankly.

"You must have the wrong person, I don't have a dog."

"Alright sorry to bother you sir," said JJ. He went to shut the door.

"It would only take a minute please?" asked Spencer.

"Night," he shut the door and turn off the porch lights.

"That's weird. Why bother calling the police in the first place if your going to pretend you didn't." While he seemed honest on the surface, any FBI profiler worth anything can spot the tiniest lie.

"To gauge the response times," said Spencer.

"What?"

"If you were going to kill someone and make a phone call what would you need to know first?"

"How long it takes them to get there." Spencer dashed around to the side of the house and started peering in the windows. The inside was worst than the outside, a mess of furniture and clothes covered the floor and signs of age and disrepair were clear. He saw Tobias pacing and crying to himself in front of a computer set up that would make Garcia weep with envy. He clicked them off from the screen saver mood and several of the screens showed people at home with no clue they were being filmed.

Spencer was in such shock and awe he didn't realize that Tobias had turned and was looking right at him through the window with a look of pure murderous rage. He quickly turned and bolted out the side of the house, heading for the barn.

"JJ get back here!" JJ sprinted towards him. "He's the Un-sub and he ran for the barn!" They quickly headed for the barn and Spencer pulled his gun.

"He's in there."

"Are you sure?"

"JJ do I ever take this out when I'm not sure! Call Hotch!"

"We're in the middle of no where and we have no cell service."

"Of course we have no cell service," muttered Spencer bitterly.

"What do we do?" asked JJ.

"I don't know, but he is defiantly in there." JJ pulled out her gun and looked at him. "You cover the front and I'll go around the back. Hotch knows we're out here and he'll come looking for us. We just have to wait Tobias out." He took off for the back, trying to ignore that feeling of dread in his stomach, but they had no choice they couldn't get help out here so they were stuck.

Spencer went around the back and looked to the corn field and saw the stocks moving against the wind.

"JJ...he's back here," he tried to yell at her, but with out giving Henkle any warning. Spencer looked at the dark shape in the corn and went in. This was a mistake, while he was tall he couldn't see over the stocks only through them.

"Why are you running from them devils boy!" demanded a voice. It sounded like the third voice from the video.

"It's the FBI," cried Tobias fearful. _Was the partner hiding in the barn?_

"They're Devils out to stop us from doing the Lord's work." Spencer started following the voices.

"I don't wanna do this anymore," pleaded Tobias. It sounded like someone being smacked, than the partner.

"Don't disrespect me boy!" The sounds of beating and Tobias crying seemed to be all around him. _This was so dumb...IQ of 187 is really paying off. _

"You got no choice in this matter! It's God's will!"

A scream and gun shots came out of nowhere. _JJ. _He took off running in what he thought was the way out of the field. He got near the exit and yelled for JJ. Pain exploded on one side of his face and he lost his gun. Tobias quickly picked it up and pointed it at him.

"Wait...wait..." pleaded Spencer.

"I could have stopped him by myself," pleaded Tobias.

"Ok...ok..." he started crawling backwards trying to find a way out of this.

"I tried to warn everyone!" cried Tobias

"Just calm down, Mr. Henkle."

"Shoot him!" ordered the voice. Spencer looked up and the same look of murderous rage that he had seen inside the house was looking back at him. This person stood up straight, looked menacing and powerful. "I said shoot him you weakling! He's a Satan!" The body language shifted so quickly Spencer barely had time to take it in. Tobias was in front of him, shaking and crying.

"He didn't do anything." The shift back.

"I won't tell you again...SHOOT HIM!"

"God gave him to me...I can save him." Tobias cried. Before Spencer could react, the gun landed against the side of his head causing him to scream out in pain. The gun came down again and everything went dark.

…...

_"It's raining," said Spencer._

_ "I can hear it," said Catherine leaning her back against him, his arms wrapped around her._

_ "I love you."_

_ "Eleven," said Catherine._

_ "You'll remember this one best of all."_

_ "Why is that?" He pulled her close and moved her hair back and leaned right into her ear._

_ "Because this is the last one." She went to get up when he started screaming in her ear._

Catherine sat bolt right up in her chair. She must of dozed off while grading homework. She took a deep breath and took of sip of the lukewarm water on her table. She was a wreck and she couldn't figure out why. Spencer had gone away on cases before and she had been fine. She worried about him, but he always came home. Something about this case though was freaking her out. He told her not to download any videos, however the kids were all talking about this freaky download for a 'movie' of two people being killed. A man telling them to repent for their sins.

_Freaky,_ thought Catherine and she deleted all the invites from her mail box to download it. She came home and just couldn't focus on anything. She had gotten her daily text from Spencer during her break and since he had been so bound and determined to see her apply she did it just to humor him more or less, she had the interviews set up two weeks from now and than the test for her reading and writing skills.

She grabbed her cell phone and sent Spencer a text.

_Are you free to talk now?_ She sat the phone down and went back her grading, her eyes kept drifting to the phone waiting for it to vibrate. She knew when she told him about her dream he would most likely mocking her for it. She finished the grading and looked at the phone, it had been an hour and normally she would chalk it up to him being really busy and unable to text. However, all she felt was a numb sense of panic. _Stop being so silly. _She put the work in her bag and took out her own homework to do. She couldn't focus and she couldn't shut off this nagging sense of something she couldn't understand. She grabbed her phone again and sent another text.

_Hey...not to be a nag, but just text me ASAP. _Catherine sat her phone aside and picked up the copy of Empty Planet that Spencer had left here a few weeks ago. She started to read and than realized she had read the same paragraph over again three times. _What the hell is wrong with me? _She went to turn on the TV, when she saw the doorbell light come on.

_Thank you for a distraction. _Catherine opened the door to find Garcia there near tears.

"Catherine...it's...something happened to Spencer." The numb sense of panic suddenly became painful to her. She could barley focus on Garcia who was telling her what was happening.

"He's missing...I'm going to Georgia to help the team...You...Spencer made you his emergency contact...I'm leaving in a few hours. You should be there. He'll want to see you first thing when we find him."

_Because it will be the last one..._

_When I saw you, I was afraid to meet you. When I met you, I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you-Unknown_

Notes-Ep's are The Big Game and Empty Planet.

Still looking into Deaf Culture, but America seems to be a more signed based culture than an oralism based culture (lip reading/speech and mimicking mouth shapes and breathing patterns are used instead of sign) Some websites still show Japan as using Oralism, according to wikipedia the use of Oralism in Deaf schools went down in the 1980's and it is still debated today.


	14. Chapter one  part six

Chapter one part six

When I look back on my childhood I wonder how I managed to survive at all-Frank McCourt

_God it hurts and it smells like burning dead things, _thought Spencer when he finally came around. The light wasn't overly bright, but it was enough to make his head ache when he tried to focus on it. He blinked and soon he noticed it was only a single dim light bulb hanging over his head. He moved his head trying to ignore the fresh wave of pain washing over him and the smell of the burning flesh was overwhelming. The room was just lit by the bulb and he couldn't make out much of where he was. He was in a hard wooden chair and he wasn't so much sitting in it has he was hunched over in it. His hands were handcuffed and than tied to a belt and the belt was tied to chair.

"They're all gone now," said Tobias, only it didn't sound like him or the one who ordered him to be shot. It was starting to come together for Spencer, it wasn't a team of Un-subs it was one man who had at least three clear personalities. The profile was right, it just wasn't considering the fact that it was all one person. _Tobias is clearly the cooler head of all of them, but he's dominated by the rage personality and I have no idea about this one._

"Who's all gone?" asked Spencer wincing when he tried to focus on the figure in front of him.

"It's just me now?"

"And who are you?" The figure stood up calmly and looked down on him with an air of power, but not the rage he had seen before.

"I'm Raphael." Spencer tried opening his eyes wider, sending another shock wave of pain through him on top of the burning smell made him want vomit.

"What is that smell?" he asked . Spencer was finally able to open his eyes with a mild amount of pain and saw that he was in a wooden cabin of some sort. It was still dark outside so he had no idea how long he had been out cold. _Where is JJ...god is she ok._ He wouldn't be able to live with himself if she had been hurt because of his actions.

"It's burning fish hearts and livers. It keeps away the Devil." Spencer looked over to a wood burning stove and heard the pop and sizzle of fish fat, the smell was almost baked into this small room that had all the windows closed. "They believe you can see inside the minds of men," said Raphael calmly.

"That's not true...I study human behavior..." Raphael shushed him and took out a gun.

"I have no interest in the arguments of men." He took out a single bullet and held it up in front of him. "Do you know what this is..It's God's will." He loaded the bullet back in the chamber, spun the chamber and pointed it at him. It was a game of Russian Roulette that Spencer could only lose at.

"You don't have to do this," he pleaded. _I don't wanna die...please not like this...I don't wanna die. _

"This is simply the will of God," said Raphael. He pointed the gun at him and Spencer closed his eyes. He heard the click and waited for the bang. Nothing. He opened his eyes again and Raphael looked at him with bland amusement.

"You clearly are meant to be here according to God." Spencer could have argued that he had a one in six chance of being shot, but he had no desire to do so. "More test will come to later Spencer Reid...hopefully you keep God's favor."

Raphael went outside and shut the door. Spencer slumped back in the chair. He still had his watch on and looked it. It was close to four in the morning in DC. _I could be home right now...Catherine would be getting up in hour, only after hitting the snooze button twice. She always puts coffee on before taking her shower so I can have a cup when I finally get up...The Metro ride in and morning meets with JJ and the team. Did they contacted Catherine yet to tell her what had happened to me and what about JJ. _Her screams and the gun shots had stopped or he thought they stopped before he got hit. The smell for burning the fish, the pain in his head and body and the fear of what was going to happen if the others couldn't find him took him and he passed back out again.

…...

"Hotch wants me to go to the crime scene when we land and not the field office. An agent is going to meet us there and take you to a hotel. I promise to call you when we hear something," signed Garcia. Catherine nodded and looked out the window, they were close to landing in Georgia after being delayed because of the storms last night. She had thrown some things in a bag quickly and had sent an e-mail on the plane that due to a family emergency she needed to leave town for a few days and to get a substitute for her classes.

_Spencer is family...even if we weren't together like we are now, I would be here. We've spent almost our whole lives wrapped up in each other. Even when he left for college, when I left for France, after everything we just seem to be stuck together. _Catherine felt the plane land and she followed Garcia off the the plane and onto the tarmac. Hotch was waiting for them along with another male agent, he was short older man with black hair going gray and had the look of man who was once built, but the twin tolls of age and a desk job had taken hold.

"This is Agent Stan Casto, he's going to be looking after you while you're here. You don't go anywhere with out with out him. Understand?" asked Hotch. He was talking too fast for her to follow along and she looked to Garcia who signed it out for her.

"She understands." Garcia hugged her quickly and got into one of the SUV. Casto touched her shoulder.

"Follow me," he pointed to the sedan and picked up her bags. He unlocked the car for her and put her bags in the trunk. Casto started driving and she could tell her was trying to talk to her, but she couldn't make out what he was saying, he wasn't facing her so even if she was better at lip reading this wasn't working.

"Agent Casto...I...can't understand you," Catherine said quickly. He looked at her confused either he thought she was mute or her voice was that off putting than she thought. "If you want to talk with me I need you to look at me and say it slowly...please." He slowed to stop at a light and looked at her. She could make out that he was trying to tell her he was sorry about Spencer.

"Thank you," she said and started looking back out the window to the country side going by. _Please let him be ok...please. _

…_..._

Garcia looked at the run down house and felt something cold go down her spine. It wasn't just from being in the middle of nowhere that gave her the creeps. The forbidding look of the two story farm house that had clearly seen better days was making her skin crawl. Horrible things had happened here she could just feel it in her bones.

"You know they have hotels in Georgia," muttered Garcia

"If were going to figure out where Tobias Henkle has taken Reid the answer is in there," said Hotch. _Focus on Reid, not the house that the Texas Chainsaw Massacre built,_ thought Garcia. "Think of the house as a witness...if it could talk what would it tell us." Garcia followed him up the porch that was covered in junk and creaked under her footsteps.

"My guess would be to get the hell out." She followed Hotch into what she guessed was a dining room that was mess without precedent. Computer parts, clothes, and just general filth covered the floor and the house just smelled of something musty. A table had been cleaned off for the most part, expect for case files and a stack of worn down notebooks. The team was gathered around the table all of the sharing the same panic stricken look. JJ looked up at her from her chair with such a beaten down expression. Her blond hair down around her shoulders in knots and her white shirt spotted with blood. Garcia just wanted to drag them all out of this house.

"Welcome to our nightmare," muttered JJ.

"That computer is an extension of his brain and I need you to dissect it," said Gideon. She nodded and Morgan put an arm around her.

"I'll get you set up." He lead her into another room, pushing things out of the way so she could take a seat. "How's Catherine doing?"

"About as well as one can take it after finding out their loved one is missing and is being held captive by a crazed mission based killer," muttered Garcia logging into her laptop that would connect to her system at home.

"Does she know anything about the case?" asked Morgan. He hoped that she hadn't seen any of the videos that had gone up or that Reid hadn't given her any details of the case.

"She said one the last texts he sent her was about not downloading any videos until he got back." She studied the system in front of her and had this guy not taken her baby or killed four people she might have found another soul mate. She brought up all the monitors and each one was something different, she counted at least twelve different screens and seven different towers powering them.

"Ok right out the gate...this guy is self taught. His system is totally idiosyncratic, but brilliant."

"Tell me what the son of bitch watches all day? What the hell is all this?" asked Morgan gesturing to wall of screens. Garcia skimmed through the browser history and frowned.

"It's all pretty tame stuff...video games, software sites, sports, comics...seriously if I had to guess who this belonged too I would think a crazy smart high school kid."

"That doesn't make any sense. A mission based killer like this would constant reassurance-violent movies, religious manifesto, something." Garcia ran another check, she hated disappointing her family but nothing was here. "What about the videos of the murders does he sit here and watch them all day." She skimmed though another history and frowned.

"They're not even in here. Just a site he set up after he took over people web cams. He keeps a running clock on each one with a different bookmark."

"Liar, cheater, thief...so he just sits here for days and waits for people to commit a sin," said Morgan.

"But Reid's completely innocent," said Garcia hoping for reassurance, but Morgan shook his head.

"If you dig deep enough we all have our sins...even Reid." Garcia blinked back her tears and went back to working on the computer. _Not our Reid..._

…...

The sun coming in through the closed windows and now Spencer could get a better look of where he was at. He looked out the window and saw a wooded area that went on for what looked like miles. The cabin was a simply wood shed at best with this room being the main living/kitchen/dining area and a smaller room towards the back. The door was shut, but didn't appear to be locked. Tobias was gone when he woke up and Spencer couldn't see him through the window and he was at a lost for how long he had been out of it. The smell of the fish was staring to lessen and the pain in his head was now a dull throbbing pain. Spencer shifted in the chair and weighted his options.

Escape was not going to be likely in his state. With his hands bound to the bottom rung of the chair he couldn't stand up and try to run away. Even if he could get up, he had no idea where he was. Tobias was clearly not worried about him trying to make a break for it since he had left him alone with an unlocked door. He managed to get himself into a less uncomfortable position in the chair, but now the cuffs were digging into his wrists and he felt the skin on his wrists chaffing. _Stupid, stupid, stupid separating from JJ and going into the corn field alone. Completely stupid...ok...let's think about what we know now. We have three personalities in this Un-Sub...Raphael simply does the killing because it's what God wants...Tobias is the submissive personality and clearly wants this all to stop, if I have any hope in getting out of this it will be because of Tobias. The third one...he is the one that I have to worry about._

The door kicked opened and there was Tobias, only it wasn't Tobias the body language was not his and was not Raphael.

"What are you staring at boy?" He asked sitting a stack of wood down. His voice also took on a deeper, more threatening tone. Unlike the bland and controlled tone of Raphael or the anxious tone of Tobias.

"You're not Raphael," said Spencer. He turned to Spencer and just glared.

"Do I look like Raphael to you?" he snapped and started stoking the fish parts on the stove. _Figure out what role this one plays, we need to figure it out and how to reach Tobias if we want to live._

"Thank you for burning those...they're keeping us safe," said Spencer softly and the glare only deepened.

"Don't try to trick me," he spat. _Shit..._

"I would never try to trick you." He felt a sense of panic in his gut. He was expecting that reaching out and playing along with this one would get him somewhere, it only seemed to piss him off further.

"You're a liar," he hissed.

"I'm not a liar," countered Spencer.

"Lying is a sin!"

"I'm not a liar." He walked over to the small cot and tossed the wood he had used to stoke the fish down on the bed. He than grabbed Spencer by the leg and dragged him close to the bed and held on to his foot.

"This will be over quickly if you confess your sins," he said in a voice of total calm.

"I not a sinner." The rage was just boiling under the surface and Tobias took off Spencer's shoes.

"We're all sinners!" _Prove you're not a sinner...he needs to know that your on his side._

"And the Lord spoke onto Moses and said 'Speak onto all the congregation of the children of Lord and say onto to them, you shall be Holy for I the Lord your God am Holy." He paused for a second and looked at Spencer confused and surprised.

"You know Leviticus."

"I know every word of the Bible...I can recite for it." The opening Spencer had hoped to gain was gone in a second. The face in front of him grew cold and angry again.

"The Devil knows how to read too." He started taking off his socks and Spencer went into full panic mood and started babbling and pleading.

"I not a Devil. I am a man and my name is Spencer Reid and I have a mother and I have a father just like you and they taught me the Bible..." He grabbed Spencer's foot and stood up holding the thick piece of wood and his mind just went to pleading. "Just let me recite the Bible for you."

"Time to confess your sins Spencer Reid." His mind went blank and he tried to brace for the blow he knew was coming. The wood came down on his foot with a crack and the pain went all the way up his leg and into his spine.

"Confess!" he ordered. Spencer forced himself to breath through the pain.

"I don't have anything to confess!" The blow came down harder this time and he screamed.

"We all have something to confess."

"I don't," whimpered Spencer through his tears. The third blow struck and he could feel small splinters of the wood in his foot.

"Pride comes before the fall," and he struck his foot again, he didn't even scream this time he just started crying.

"Weak and pathetic!" The man spat and he struck Spencer again. Spencer was reduced to tears and babbling.

"Not a sinner...please...just stop..." He tossed the log aside and let Spencer's foot fall to the ground and he whimpered in pain.

"You'll confess...everyone has a sin boy."

…...

Catherine was laying on the hotel bed, fully dressed and trying not to cry. Casto checked them in some time ago and told her he would be in the next room and that maybe she should try to get some rest. He seemed like a nice guy, patient with her despite a clear block in their communication. _I couldn't meet understanding people like that when I was kid...I got to meet all the assholes. _People who refused to meet her halfway in any regard to communicating, expect Spencer who went out of his way to help her. She went to roll over when the door opened and Casto stood in the doorway holding a bag of food.

"We're you sleeping?" he mimed sleeping and she shook her head no. He sat the bag on the table and was telling her she needed to eat. She vaguely remembered her last meal being cold leftover pizza while grading and that had been over twelve hours ago. She got out of bed and sat across from Casto at the table who had brought them burgers and fries. Catherine picked at both of these items and noticed that Casto wasn't really eating his either. She saw some hotel stationary and a pen and wrote Casto a note.

"If you have bad news please just tell me now." He looked it over and pulled out his own pen.

"Sorry, I don't have any news for you just yet. I just have a daughter your age and I can't imagine her going through something like this. It makes me sad that you have to be here going through this." She took the note back and felt herself tear up.

"Thank you," she muttered and the tears she had been holding back just burst out. Casto let her put her head down on the table and sob. _Poor kid, _he thought watching her cry. She eventually came up and he handed her a wad of tissues. She thanked him again and he took their note back. No one had told him that she was Deaf and didn't realize it till he picked her up from Agent Hotch and watched the tech girl sign with her. _You tell this poor girl her boyfriend is missing and than send her to someone she can't communicate with and how she didn't break down before this is beyond me._

"You know if anyone can find him it's those BAU eggheads." He slipped the note back to her and watched her give him a tired half smile. She took up her pen and started writing.

"I know, it's just hard to sit here and wait and worry and think about it." Casto nodded and took up his pen.

"We might be here for awhile...do you mind me asking some questions about you. Get to know each other." Catherine grabbed a clean sheet of paper since they were almost done with the first sheet.

"What do you want to know?" He looked at the paper and back at her and she could almost feel what he was going to write. Everyone always got that nervous look to them when they were about to ask 'The Question!' Catherine really wished they would just get over it, if they wanted to know she had no issue telling them how it happened. He slipped her the note back and it was just as she thought.

"Do you mind me asking when you lost your hearing? I've just never met anyone as young as you who lost their hearing."

"It's mostly the old guys at the home huh? Well...my father's side has a history of losing their hearing, but it happens as they get older. So they were sort of expecting me to lose my hearing when I was older. I just got the short on the stick and lost it when I was born. The doctors told my parents and grandma that I had suffered from low oxygen and bleeding in the brain while being delivery and that I was lucky to only lose my hearing. They did watch me for awhile to see if I had any permanent brain damage, which thankful didn't happen. My grandma told me God probably gave me a few extra IQ points to make up for the hearing loss and to piss other people off."

She watch him skim the note and shake his head, but give a small smile at the last line.

"You're grandma sounds like my kind of lady."

"She's the one who named me. She told me anyone who came out fighting like I did was a Catherine."

"Your parents didn't?" Casto was confused about why her parents didn't name her. She got this look on her face of sadness.

"My father was trying to deal with my mother...she didn't take it well that I was Deaf."

That was an understatement at best. It had been a difficult birth for both of them and they both almost died. Both had pulled through and her father was just happy to see her alive, her mother on the hand couldn't deal with her daughter's hearing loss and possible brain damage. Catherine remembered looking through old photos and finding only one of her mother holding her and it looked like she was being forced at gun point to do so.

Her parents had broken up when she five months ago, according to what her grandmother had told her. She didn't see her mother until she was seven and it was a nightmare to visit her on and off. Her mother didn't know how to sign at all and she got frustrated with Catherine when she couldn't follow the conversations around her by lip reading. Everyone at home signed to her so lip reading was never an issue and she could follow simple conversations if the person was facing her and talking at a pace she could follow. Her own mother refused to learn sign, saying that she needed to learn speech if she wanted to fit in. Catherine tried, but she got so flustered that her own mother wouldn't even try to work with her she shut down completely on learning how to read lips. Her father never forced the issue of her learning that skill and came down hard on her mother for being so cruel.

"Why don't you like her? Everyone likes her but you...she's your daughter for god's sake!" Spencer had heard her father's half of the phone fight after she had come home in tears and told her what was being said, she spent a whole weekend in a house where no one would talk to her or yelled at her for not speaking. She cried for days and after that she didn't see her mother anymore. Spencer sat with her while she cried, two seven year old kids and yet they were old souls by that age.

"She hates me and thinks I'm a freak," signed Catherine between sobs and Spencer hugged her.

"You're not a freak...I think your pretty cool." They might have only been seven, but after that Catherine knew she was in love with him.

…...

Time had lost all meaning to Spencer at this point. After the beating, the raging Tobias stomped around the small cabin and gave some sort of sermon explaining each of the kills and why the sinners would not be missed, but for the first time in his life Spencer didn't remember half of what was being said to him, his mind refused to focus at this point because of all the pain and overwhelming fear he was in. After what seemed like days, he left again and Spencer heard a truck start. Spencer tried to stand, but his legs had fallen asleep and now with his foot swollen and bruised there was no way he was leaving now. It was now dark again and his thoughts drifted back to his team mates, they were looking for him he was sure of it he just didn't know where they were looking for him. _They'll find me...I just have to hold on and try to focus on how to interact with each part of Tobias. _The door opened again and in walked Tobias carrying the dead carcass of some animal.

"You need to eat," he said softly sitting the animal down. He sounded kind and sad, his body language of a broken man.

"What's your name?" asked Spencer. He looked at Spencer confused.

"I'm Tobias."

"And who was here before?" Tobias bent his head down and than looked over at him.

"That was probably my father." he saw Spencer bruised foot and frowned. "I'm sorry if he hurt you." He seemed sincere and than a look of determination and remorse came over him. He moved quickly over to Spencer and started taking off his belt.

"What are you doing?" asked Spencer trying to hide the fear in his voice. Tobias pushed up Spencer's sleeve and wrapped a belt around his arm.

"Oh please don't," muttered Spencer who was quickly making guesses about what was going to happen, each one worse than the next.

"It helps," Tobias said quietly and he pulled out a vial with a clear liquid in it and a syringe. "Don't tell my father. He doesn't know they're here." He started filling the syringe and Spencer started to panic again and shake.

"Oh please I don't want it...I don't want it!" He had no clue what was in the bottle or what it would do to him if he was allergic to it, not to mention who knew how many people had used the needle before Tobias. Tobias grabbed his arm and found a vein.

"Trust me."

"Please don't," cried Spencer knowing fully well he was going to lose. Spencer felt the needle break through the skin and he watch Tobais push the plunger in. The effect was almost instant, it was almost like a full body orgasm every muscle in his body went tense and than released in a wave of relief. _It's almost like that first time with Catherine...the release of everything._

_ He was ten years old again and his parents were fighting. Moments like this made him envy Catherine's inability to hear. She didn't have to listen to her parents ceaseless fighting. He could shut the door and plug his ears, but it didn't do any good. His father was having another go at his mother._

_ Why didn't he understand that she tried, but it wasn't easy for her that she needed help not scolding. It was just like people making fun of Catherine for the way she talked and couldn't hear. She couldn't help it any more than his mother could help herself. Spencer got up and went into the bedroom to stand up for her since she couldn't seem to get a word in to defend herself. He went into the bedroom carefully. His father was just throwing things into a suitcase without care._

_ "I'm tired of this! All of it!" He turned and noticed Spencer standing there._

_ "Spencer please go into the other room," ordered his father. His mother turned and glared at his father._

_ "Don't treat him like a child!" _

_ "I'm not going to have this conversation in front of him." Oh now they didn't want to have it out in front of him. They did any other day, this time was different though his dad had said he was leaving._

_ "__Statistically, children who grow up in two-parent households attain three more years of higher education than children from single-parent households," said Spencer hoping that maybe his father would consider Spencer's future before leaving._

_ "We're not statistics, Spencer," snapped his father. Spencer knew that...but he was at a lost for words on this one._

_ "I'm not crazy," pleaded his mother._

_ "You refuse to take care of yourself and I can't help you." You don't try, thought Spencer bitterly. You go to work or stay out, your not here ever._

_ "I do take care of myself."_

_ "What day is it?" he asked and Spencer could see her stuggling trying to figure it out. _

_ "That's not fair," she muttered wringing her hands. He shut the suitcase_

_ "I'm out of ideas Diana." he picked up his suitcase and started for the door._

_ "You could take Spencer with you...just for a little while," said his mother._

_ "Don't do this," countered William. In that moment Spencer hated his father more than anything in the world. Why couldn't he just love his mother for who she was and why couldn't his father love him for who he was._

_ "You're weak!" spat Diana. His father looked at the floor defeated._

_ "You're right." His mother put her head in hands trying not cry and his father picked up the suitcase. He looked down at Spencer and Spencer couldn't see any thing in his father's eyes. _

_ "Good bye," he said and walked out of the bedroom. Spencer heard the front door shut and he car pull away. He watched his mother struggle with her tears._

_ "I'm not weak." it wasn't right to bully his mother because she ill and he wouldn't let that happen anymore. _

_ "I know baby," she hugged him close and he could feel the tears falling on him. _

"I'm not weak...not weak...not weak," muttered Spencer feeling himself start to come down from the high.

"I don't give a damn if your weak or strong," said the voice of Tobais's father. Spencer opened his eyes to see the rage filled face in front of him. "Yell all you want boy...ain't no one going to hear you where you are!" Spencer heard him yelling and closed his eyes again willing the feeling of the high to come back. _It's better than being here._

In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man's torments. ~Friedrich Nietzsche,

Thanks for all the reviews and adds.


	15. Chapter one part seven

Chapter one part seven

Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe. Voltaire

Casto was talking on his cell phone, she could tell it was personal by his body language. His tired eyes smiled and he seemed to laugh at something. He hung up his phone and gave her a little shrug has if to say he was sorry.

"Your wife?" she asked. Casto sat down beside her and started writing.

"My granddaughter was telling me about her field trip to the zoo. She was upset that the lions were asleep."

"That is too cute for words," wrote Catherine looking out at the dark sky. Spencer had been missing for almost a full day and she felt something inside just freeze. Casto saw the look on her face and shook his head. It was a look he saw often in the spouses and of the families he notified, it was a look of loss and a losing of hope. He put a hand on her shoulder and she reached up and squeezed it. Casto took the paper she had written on quickly wrote.

"Being in this room all day is clearly messing with you. Let's go for a walk."

"But Hotch said to say here," she countered.

"Agent Hotchner said to not go anywhere with out me and we're going for walk," Casto underlined the sentence to make a point. She gave him a dirty look that was so much like his own daughters it was surreal. She threw on a sweater and her shoes and followed Casto around the block. He looked over once in awhile at his quite companion and hoped they found Agent Reid for her sake. He didn't want to think what would happen to her if they didn't. She stopped suddenly and took his arm.

"Do you...do you mind if..." she asked softly. They were outside a church. One of the few non Baptists churches in Georgia, his wife joked that if might be the only Catholic church within twenty miles. He nodded his head in the direction of the church giving her his ok. He didn't see the harm of letting this poor girl have an ounce of comfort. He followed her in and took a seat in a nearby pew. She went over to a wall of candles and put a donation in the box before taking a match and lighting one of the candles.

_Spencer always hated the dark,_ thought Catherine lighting a candle for him. She hoped that where ever he was at least had some light, she couldn't stand the thought of him being alone in dark. She took her grandmother's rosary out of her pocket, she never traveled without it. Spencer would tease her about being superstitious if he were here. She started praying aimlessly. _Please just let him come home, please just let him come home..._She looked over and saw Casto lighting a candle too.

"It can't hurt right?"

…...

Garcia hated this house with the power of a thousand burning sun. When they left here she was going to burn it to the ground and throw salt where it stood. She was still taking the computer apart bit by bit, it was so new that she was worried she could be missing something. She heard bits and pieces of the conversation in the dining room. They had found Hankle's murdered father under the house in an ice freezer and from what she heard in the dining room he had been dead for over six months, that along with everything else this guy had done made her just want to cry and scream at what was going on, it was an overwhelming feeling of being powerless and she hated it.

Morgan came into the room and told her to log into the system as Hankle's dead father which confused her sleep deprived brain.

"This system was set up three months ago and wasn't daddy dearest already gone by than?" she asked. Morgan put his hand down on her shoulder and started rubbing it hard.

"I know that smarty pants, but do it for your boy anyway." Garcia was so emotional and physically tired at this point Morgan could have told to log in as the Master Shake and she would have done it. _Anything to get our baby back. _She logged in as Charles Hankle, the computer ran through some code and the system she assumed belonged to a teenage boy changed quickly. The screens filled up with images of nuclear explosions, people being gunned down in the street, fire and wars. It was anything and everything dealing with death and destruction.

"Whoa," was the only thing she could muster.

"Damn," said Morgan and he went to leave the room and Garcia grabbed his arm.

"You tell me what is going on in there right now Derek Morgan or so help me when I burn this place to ash you will be here with it!" Derek sighed and pulled up a chair next to her.

"We figured out that Tobais has at least three personalities: Himself, Raphael and his father Charles."

"Why would he wanna be...that," Garcia was at lost for words at this point in time.

"Tobais was brought up with only right and wrong moral code. When his old man got sick and asked Tobais to put him now, he couldn't do it."

"Thou shall not kill," said Garcia.

"However, you also honor thy father. It broke his mind baby girl." Her hands balled up in fury at this dead man who was still a source of hate, rage and fear.

"I know we shouldn't hate people who are dead...but I hate this guy. What kind of father asks they're child to kill them. It's just cruel...it almost makes me feel sorry for Tobais..." she trailed off and Morgan patted her shoulder. "I just hate everything about this right now."

"Me too baby girl." She went to search the browser history to see if the videos were here and suddenly several of the monitors just shut off.

"What the..." They clicked back on and there was her baby and she felt her heart break just looking at him. "Oh my god!" She heard Morgan yelling for everyone to get in here, but she was focused only on Reid. He had been beaten and beaten badly and was bound in a chair. Blood was drying in his hair and caked onto one side of his face. He wasn't wearing his shoes and one foot looked almost broken and covered in bruises. He looked like he had aged ten years in the day and half he had been gone. _Oh my boy sweet baby._

"Can't you track him?" pleaded JJ. She had already tried that and it already left her feeling more powerless than before.

"Hankle is streaming this just to the home computer." whispered Garcia.

"This is just for use," said Gideon.

…...

The high was wearing off at last and Spencer found he tasted pennies in his mouth and wanted water more than anything in this life. His body hurt all over and was just coming to when he heard the 'Father' voice. Tobais had clearly slipped back into his father when Spencer felt him pulling on his hair.

"You ready boy?"

"Ready for what?" whispered Spencer who was still feeling the after effects for the drugs.

"My weakling son thinks God gave you to him for a reason," he let go of his hair and shove his head down. "Let's see if we're both right." He grabbed the chair and spun it around roughly slamming Spencer down. He than grabbed a tripod and a camera.

"You really see inside mens minds? You see these vermin?" The second room now had four laptops facing him with four different web cams going. "Choose one to die and choose one to live."

"No." Spencer was so tired and he knew it didn't matter what he did, this personality was just going to do whatever he wanted and they're was no talking him down.

"I thought you wanted to be some kind of a savior," mocked Tobais.

"You're a sadist on a psychotic break you won't stop killing and anything you say isn't true." Tobais motioned to the camera.

"The other heathens are watching!" _Garcia and the others are watching this..._It horrified him that his team was seeing him like this, a beat broken child, but this might be his only chance to reach out for help. "Chose a sinner to die and I'll say the name and address of the one who lives." _Think, __damn it, think._ Spencer looked down and saw the blood left over from the lamb and the wheels clicked in his head. _That lamb was poached, someone would have reported a poached animal._

"I won't choose who gets slaughter and have you leave their remains behind like a poacher," said Spencer looking at between Tobais and the camera. _Please get the hint...please for the love of whatever god is out there. Tobais_ snatched him out of the chair as far as the belt would allow.

"You see inside my mind boy...YOU SEE I'M NOT A LAIR! Choose one to die and save a life or they all die." He threw Spencer back in the chair, knocking the wind out of him for a moment. Spencer bit back a cry of pain.

"Ok...ok...I'll choose who lives," he said defeated.

"They're all the same," he spat. Spencer looked at the laptops and frowned...one screen showed no one home and the other three had people at home. The one on the far right screen looked like she was making dinner for more than one person. _She could have kids, a family._

"The far right screen," said Spencer.

"Marilyn David. 4913 Walnut Creek Road." A few seconds passed and her phone. She picked it up.

"Hello...what," she turned to the screen horrified and slammed it shut. Her screen went blank. Tobais turned around only it wasn't Tobais and it wasn't his father.

"Raphael." He went to the camera and shut it off.

"You've done your part, now it's my turn." He walked out of the cabin leaving Spencer to face the screens. Spencer started screaming and trying to fight his way out of the chair and it did him no good. He was trapped watching these people whose lives were about to end. The third screen caught his attention, it was a couple coming home. They looked to be in their late 30's, the woman with dark brown hair and her husband.

"Oh I told Gloria and Steve we would have dinner with them Sunday," said the woman sitting down some papers on a table.

"Really...Steve and Gloria...do I have to?" teased her husband throwing himself on the sofa. The woman sat down next to him.

"I know you hate Steve...he's a jerk...but he's my brother in law so we have to at least pretend to have fun with them."

"I need some wine...time for wine." She leaned over and kissed him.

"White."

"Yes the white." It reminded him so much of the nights he would spend with Catherine it made his heart ache. _I might never see her again...please just let me see her one last time._ He watched the man get up and pat the woman on her hand before leaving the room. She turned to a stack of papers on the table, sorting through the piles looking for something. _She would make us tea or get us both some wine. She would sit on the floor grading or prepping her lesson, I would sit behind her reading or listening to some music...I might never have that again._

"Honey did you leave a drawer open?" called the man. _Oh please no...nonononon._

"What?" she asked clearly distracted by her hunt for the paper in question. She saw the shape fall over the papers and looked up to see Raphael standing there with a knife. The scream died in her throat when he pointed the knife at her her. He moved closer and the knife was inches from her neck and she was shaking and Spencer could see the tears welling up in her eyes.

"Shush," he said and he picked cordless phone on the table and dialed. "3514 Leavenworth. Raphael has killed them before their lies could free more sinners." Spencer watched her look at Raphael with shock and fear. Before she could move Raphael grabbed her arm and Spencer saw her husband walk back into the room with two glasses of wine in his hands. The look on his face was on of totally horror and fear, not for himself but for his wife. Before she could scream Raphael had slit her throat and Spencer watched her fall like a rag doll.

"PAM!" Spencer heard the man screaming for his wife and than his screams turned into screams of pain and than they stopped. Spencer sobbed for them, it was his fault all his fault. He sobbed until his throat was even more raw than before. The look on that man's face for his wife was something that would be burned into his brain for years. _Think how powerless he felt to help her, she looked him in the eyes before she died and all he saw was her fear. _

Spencer only opened his eyes again when he heard the police sirens and for one foolish second he hoped they were for him. He saw the police and medics coming in for the couple..._Pam her name was Pam. _There was nothing to be done for them now and soon he watched the CSI's walk in, take their pictures and try to find anything. Spencer saw the sheriff walk in and take a Bible passage from one of the techs. He than walked off screen and started talking to people off screen about the case. Spencer didn't care anymore what reasons this guy was killing, he wanted out of here. Suddenly he heard Gideon's voice and he saw him sitting in front of the web cam.

"Reid if you're watching, you are not responsible for this! You understand me? He's perverting God to justify murder and you are stronger than him! He can not break you!" Gideon stood up quickly and left the cam's view. Spencer already felt broken, he had just watched two people get murdered for no reason, he heard that man screaming for his wife only for her to be gone.

_I'm not going to see Catherine again...I'm not..._It felt like a lifetime had passed since he had seen her, he kissed her on the forehead and told her he would be home. It was a lie...maybe that was his confession, he was a liar. _Stop it...stop it right now...you promised her...just do this for her...get through this for her, and JJ and everyone who is looking for you._

…_..._

"We have breaking news that the Raphael Killer has struck again. This time it was..." Casto turned off the TV.

"You don't need to see that." Catherine was reminded of her father, always wanting to keep the horrible truth away from her. She teared up and looked outside, it was night two of Spencer being gone and she recalled Spencer saying something that most kidnapped victims were killed within twenty four hours of being taken. This was past twenty four hours and she hadn't heard anything from Garcia or anyone out there looking for him.

"I'm...he's gone...isn't he..."she whispered. "He's gone...and they...don't want to tell me..." Casto sat down next to her on the bed. He took her hand and put it over her heart.

"What is that telling you?" he asked looking her in the eyes.

"I don't know," she sobbed. She wanted him to be alive and ok so badly maybe she was blinding herself to the truth. Casto grabbed the notebook they had been sharing for almost two days and started writing.

"You know the truth, you know he's still alive and out there somewhere. And when he comes home he's not going to want to let you out of his sight. He's going to need you when he comes back from this more than he will be willing to admit to and you're going to be there for him. Ok!" He handed her the note and how she was able to read it through her tears was beyond him. She took the pen from him and wrote back.

"Can we go back to the church. I just feel better there." He grabbed her jacket and they left the room together.

…...

When Tobais came back it was really him and Spencer felt a rush of relief, he didn't think he had it in him to deal with Raphael or his father after hearing that man screaming for his wife. He felt Tobais wrapping the belt around his arm again and feeling for a vein.

"I'm sorry that I had to leave," said Tobais sadly.

"You know you can leave again and take me with you," said Spencer hoping to reach this man that was just as broken and sad as him. Spencer saw him filling the syringe and he felt a mix of fear and relief. _It's a way out...even for a little bit...it's a way out of here._

"My father wouldn't like that."

"He wouldn't find us," said Spencer.

"He always finds me," it was just so matter of fact, Spencer felt sorry for him. _His father physically and emotional abused him for years. I've only gone through a few days of it and I want to break. How did this boy live through it._

"If you tell me where we are...my friends...they'll come and save us," said Spencer trying not to cry.

"We can't be saved." Spencer's eyes went to the drugged filled needle and started to panic. He wanted out, but not like this.

"We can...we can if you tell me where we are, I promise I can save us both," Tobais grabbed his arm and Spencer felt the tip of the needle on his skin.

"It's not worth fighting." _It's because you have nothing left to fight for. _"Tell me it doesn't make it better." Spencer couldn't tell him that and he bit back tears. He felt the needle break the skin again and the rush of release that came from not mentally being in this hell anymore. _Nothing has ever felt this good...nothing..._

_She was still sleeping, his father had been gone for three days and after they're talk she crawled into bed and hadn't left it._

_ "Mom."_

_ "What it is baby?" she asked like she hadn't slept in days._

_ "It's the afternoon."_

_ "I'm resting." His mother's doctor had called to see how she was doing and Spencer lied some what. He knew what would happen if people found out how bad his mother really was. They would take him away and than she would have no reason to get out of bed at all or worse. _

_ "The doctor says you need to get out of bed." That was lie too, the doctor had said no such thing but he did tell Spencer that she shouldn't be allowed to stay in bed for more than two days so it was more stretching the truth than anything._

_ "I've been reading." The bed was covered in books that had spines so worn the pages fell out. He was surprised that she didn't have them memorized yet._

_ "He says you need exercise." Another mild stretching of the truth, he had pretty good idea that staying in bed all day wasn't good for anybody._

_ "That's because his idea of good literature is: Our Bodies, Ourselves." Spencer felt a surge of resentment go through him. He was trying to help her and so were her doctors and she was being stubborn._

_ "Well he's your doctor!" _

_ "He's a neanderthal." She laid her head back down started to close her eyes. Catherine was in speech therapy this afternoon so he couldn't go see her. A new kid, Jeff had moved up the street. Maybe he would come out and they could ride bikes or something. He went to leave the room when she called out to him._

_ "Where are you going?"_

_ "I'm going to see if Jeff wants to play." _

_ "Come here, let me read to you." Maybe if he did let her read to him for a little while than she would get up, even it was for a little while. He jumped on the bed and sat next to her._

_ "Pick one." Spencer skimmed through the books, she had read them all to him at least a dozen times, but he picked Remembrance of Things Past since it was one of her favorites. _

_ "Proust...beautiful choice. The smell of the madaline, unleashing a flood of memory." He leaned against her as she started to read to him. "For a long time, I used to go to bed early. Sometimes when I had put out my candle my eyes would close so quickly that I had not time to say to myself, 'I'm falling asleep.' They finished the whole book that night and Spencer was able to get out of bed to eating some leftovers. _

_ The next day she was out of bed and she took him to school. You just needed to be patient with her, it was something his own father didn't understand._

_ "So she's doing better?" asked Catherine when she got home from school the following day._

_ "Yeah...she wanted me to give this to your grandmother for handling her classes." It was a book of 15th century prayers in Latin._

_ "She'll really like this. Thank you." Catherine bit her lip before continuing. "You know...you can always ask us for help...you don't have to do it all alone. It's not fair to you."_

_ "A lot of things aren't fair," he muttered. Catherine looked at him sadly. "I have to go." He left before she could tell him anything else. She just didn't understand...no one did._

…_..._

Garcia watched in disgust as the latest murder video got passed from person to person. The list just got longer and longer by the second and she just wanted to cry. JJ sat down next to her, she also looked like she had aged years in the few days they had been here. It was something in this house that just killed your soul.

"Any more signs of Reid," she asked. Garcia knew that JJ was blaming herself for what was happening with Reid. She half heard Morgan and JJ going back and forth until she heard Morgan slam the backdoor looking for air. Garcia shook her head no to her question about Reid, it had been a few hours since they had seen him and she feared what this mad man was doing to him.  
><strong>"<strong> He just posted the last murder online. It had over 17,000 hits in the first 20 minutes." She was really starting to hate people right now.  
><strong> "<strong> I wanna see it," said JJ with no emotion in her voice.  
><strong> "<strong> No, you don't."_ That man screaming for his wife...god he watched her get killed right in front of him. _  
> "Don't tell me what I want and don't want!" snapped JJ. Garcia looked up her confused. <em>Oh honey not you too.<em> "If I can't watch this, I have no business being in the field."   
><strong> "<strong> JJ, it's not a competition." _You think Morgan, or Hotch or Emily would have done something different to stop this and we can't know that._  
><strong> "<strong>I need to see it."  
><strong> "<strong>If you stop being affected by things you...lose parts of yourself, you know?" That was her biggest fear in all this that they would find Reid, but he wouldn't be Reid anymore. He would lose that part of himself that just made him...Reid.

"Just show me," ordered JJ. Garcia had lost the fight, she hoped she didn't lose the war. She clicked on the link and got out of her chair.

"I won't watch it with you." She quickly walked outside into the February night's air and shivered a little. It was cloudless and without the lights from the city you could see the stars. They were almost so pretty she almost forgot why she had stepped outside.

"Garcia," it was Hotch and she quickly wiped her eyes.

"I'm sorry sir...I just needed some air. I couldn't stand it in there anymore." Hotch approached her and patted her back.

"You've done a good job so far."

"It hasn't got us Reid," she muttered.

"Reid's strong...he'll make it through," said Hotch.

"But what if...what if he's not...REID...anymore." Before she could explain what she meant she heard Gideon calling to her.

"I want to shut him down!" Garcia looked at Hotch who was also carrying that soul dying look in his eyes and went back into the house. JJ had went to Gideon to tell him about the lasting posting and now he wanted to do the impossible, delete the Internet.

"I don't understand why you can't just shut it down." Garcia forced herself to take a deep breath and explain again what he was doing.

"Because I can't pin point his IP address..."

"Just delete it once it's posted..."

"It's the Internet sir, once it's there you can never take it back."

"Entire history of man! You can't undo anything!" Gideon snapped at her. "Can't you please do something! Anything! I don't want this man thinking he has a pulpit!" _It a sickness...this whole place is a sickness...virus...a computer virus!_

"I have a list of everyone from the file sharing chain. I'm going to send out a mass warning that the video is a virus."

"Do it," ordered Gideon and with a few quick strokes she created a warning and sent it out. The hits stop on the video and Garcia felt a weight lifted off her soul. _No one else will see that now!._ A few moments later that weight in her soul can crashng back down when the screen went black and there was Reid crying and shaking.

"This ends now," said Tobias.

If you knew that hope and despair were paths to the same destination, which would you choose? ~Robert Brault


	16. Chapter one part eight

Chapter one part eight

Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore we are saved by love. Reinhold Niebuhr 

The high wore off quicker this time and Spencer found himself missing it. He was remembering things from when he was a child and not all of them good things, but it was better than being here, shackled to a chair with his whole body in pain. Tobais seemed busy with something on one of the laptops when an alarm sound came out from one of the screens.

"No! NO!" he threw down his chair and turned to Spencer filled with rage. "They're trying to silence my message!" _It's not my fault, I don't know what is going on._

"I can't control what they do. I'm not with them I'm with you," pleaded Spencer.

"Oh really," he hissed and he went back to the computers and with a few key strokes he brought up Gideon's message to him. The look on Tobais's face was a controlled rage and he turned off the computers and went back over to Spencer.

"Do you think you can defy me?" he asked softly causing Spencer to shake in fear.

"I don't know what he's talking about."

"YOU'RE A LIAR!" Tobais's gaze went to Spencer's arm and he glared. He grabbed Spencer's arm and studied the forming track marks. He twisted his arm roughly and let go.

"You're pitiful just like my son!" Spencer started crying, he couldn't help it anymore. Never in his whole life could he have been prepared for this. Gideon was wrong about him, he was weak and he was already broken. Tobais turned the camera back on and looked at Spencer.

"This ends now! Confess your sins." Spencer went to take a breath and Tobais slapped him across the face, hitting the wound from where he had been pistol whipped. Spencer saw stars in his vision.

"CONFESS!"

"I haven't done anything," he cried and he felt Tobais's fist connect with his face and he felt a popping in his cheek bones. _Try to get Tobais...the real Tobais to help you..._

"Tobais...help me," cried Spencer.

"He can't help you! He's weak!" he spat.

"Tobais please," Spencer was slapped again and he barely felt the blow this time. Tobais grabbed a fist full of his hair and yanked causing Spencer to look up into his attacker's eyes.

"Confess." Before Spencer could get anything out, Tobais knocked his chair over and Spencer hit the floor hard. It knocked the wind out of him and and he couldn't get his breath back. It felt like something was sitting on his chest, pressing the air out of him. He felt his body start seizing up on him and everything started to go black. _They're watching you die, _Spencer thought dimly. _Catherine...don't let her see this..._

"That's the Devil vacating your body," he heard Tobias whispered. Spencer couldn't get any more air and everything went black.

…...

Garcia watched this monster beating Reid and she was beyond tears. _It's my fault...it's my fault...please stop._ She felt Gideon's hand on her shoulder and he was digging into her skin. She watched helplessly has Tobais knocked Reid to the ground and he started to go into convulsions and fight for air.

"Oh my god he's killing him," she said more to herself.

"That's the Devil vacating your body," she heard Tobais say and she felt her nails digging into her hands. She watched on in mute horror has Reid stopped moving. She didn't even realize she was screaming until Morgan pulled her away from the screens.

"Baby girl...baby girl...shush..."

"He killed Reid," she sobbed even through her tears she could see him lying on the ground broken. Morgan made her look away from the screens and saw his friend's body there. _I'm going to kill you, you son of a bitch. If it's the last thing I do. I should have gone with JJ...it should be me not Reid. _

JJ, Emily and Hotch came into the room and saw the fallout. They looked at Gideon for something. He pushed passed them and shut himself in the bathroom, slamming the door hard behind him.

_"I...I have to call Casto...he's with Catherine and...oh god,"_ thought JJ. In her mind's eye JJ thought of how happy the couple looked the last time they had been together at the bar a few days before this and how this was going to hurt Catherine. She thought about how Reid had been cheated out of being happy and his whole life and she hated herself. _It's my fault...I'm older I should have made sure we stayed together._

Hotch just looked at the screen numb. He had misgivings about bring such a young person onto this job, but Gideon had overrode him and Reid had risen to everything thrown at him. He felt horrible about all the times he used Reid just for his brains and not working with him as an agent.

Emily fell into a chair and watched the team, it was like after a bomb as gone off and the survivors wonder how this happened and why they were here. She hadn't known Reid very long, but she saw the makings of a good agent and a kind soul and it was cruel to see his life cut so short. She put her head in her hands and tried to fight back the tears. The tears won.

Gideon paced the bathroom...four steps forward and four steps back. _It was the right thing to do ,we had to stop the video. Ever notice all your right decision result in people dying or losing themselves. The men in Boston, Elle, Reid...the people left behind because of your right decisions. No...it was right...the right thing._

…...

_"Spencer...Spencer...wake up..." he felt someone touching his face and stroking his hair._

_ "No...I can't...it's too much," he muttered. He wanted to stay here in this void it didn't hurt anymore here in this place._

_ "I know and you've been so brave...but please wake up," something about her voice was familiar to him. He opened his eyes slowly and locked eyes with Catherine. Her brown eyes were clear and she smiled at him. Spencer sat up and pulled her close and started crying. He cried about how much it hurt, how much he missed her and was sorry that he didn't get more time with her._

_ "Never figured you for quitting," she said. She sounded different but it was her. Wait...why is she here...oh god he'll hurt her too._

_ "How did he...why are you here." Something clicked his head, he had been talking and she answered. "You can hear me can't you."_

_ "I can hear you," she said simply. He pushed her away and felt cheated._

_ "Than you're not Catherine." He wanted her so badly right now, just to tell her that he loved her for the last time. Was he really dead? What was this place and what _

_ "I'm whoever you want me to be. Listen to me, if you stay here it's over. Everyone who has ever cared about you will lose though. If you leave here it's not going to be easy he's going to keep testing you."_

_ "I can't do it anymore," said Spencer. How much more did he have to take? He was physically and mentally scarred from this nightmare and yet he was supposed to take on more._

_ "Yes you can, he's going to keep testing you. Remember this is not your place to be buried and when it's time...count to three."_

_ "I don't understand," said Spencer just wanting the pain to stop, it was coming back to him in bits and the black was starting to gray. "I don't want to go back."_

_ "Your Catherine has been lighting candles for you...she was worried about you being alone in the dark. Garcia is crying with Morgan who is wishing he was dead instead of you. Emily is standing alone watching this breakdown. JJ is holding her phone, trying to work up the nerve to call the agent with Catherine to let her know that your gone. Hotch is trying not to cry while looking at your body on the floor broken like his son's broken toys. Gideon has locked himself in the bathroom and is trying to stop blaming himself for your death. And I know you don't believe a single thing I'm saying right now and that you think that the worst thing is to go back. But trust me Spencer Reid...nothing is here for you. It's all back there."_

_ "They're waiting?" asked Spencer. Catherine, JJ, Morgan...waiting for me..._

_ "They all are."_

_ "This isn't real...it's in my head."_

_ "Doesn't that make it real than." _Everything went gray and Spencer watched the gray fade and felt air coming back into his body, something pressing on his chest, and the beating of his own heart. He started coughing has he came back into awareness and out of the corner of his eye he saw it, a tombstone and shovel. _This is not your place to be buried._

"You came back to life."

"Raphael?" _At least it's not dad..._

"There can be only one of two reasons," said Raphael sounding surprised to be talking with him.

"I was given CPR," said Spencer. _I choose this...my choice not yours._

"There are no accidents. How many members are on your team?"

"Seven." _I'm still apart of the team, no matter where I am._

"The seven angels, who had the seven trumpets and prepared themselves to sound. The first sound was followed by hail and fire mixed with blood and they were thrown to Earth," said Raphael. He bent down and picked up Spencer's chair and sat him up. Everything hurt more than before, but he was beyond caring at this point.

"Tell me who you serve?" _He's going to keep testing you._

"I serve you," lied Spencer.

"Than choose one to die," said Raphael.

"What?"

"Your team members...choose one to die." _No...I won't let you hurt them._

"Kill me." This was his choice, he would not let anyone else die on his account and he hoped that Catherine would understand his decision to save them over himself. _ I love you so much...but this has to be done._

"I thought you weren't one of them."

"I lied," admitted Spencer. _I've already been dead once so just end it now._

"Your team has six other members. Tell me who dies," ordered Raphael coolly.

"No," said Spencer defiantly glaring at him. Raphael pulled the gun out, spun the chamber and pointed it him.

"Choose and prove you will do God's will!" Spencer stared down the barrel of the gun and found he wasn't afraid anymore of what this man was going to do to him. Whatever had come to him in those moments he had died had given him something. A chance to think of how to get another message to his team. _Not my place to be buried..._

"No," The trigger was pulled, the click was the only sound he heard. _Count to three...one_

"Choose."

"I won't do it." Click. _Burial...I'm not dead...not physically anyway...two_

"Life is a choice."

"No." Click. _Three..._

"Choose." _I will not be buried away from those I love._ _Tell them...tell them...He'll understand._

"I choose...Aaron Hotchner. He's a classic narcissist...he thinks he's better than everyone else on the team. Genesis: 23: 4, 'Let him not deceive himself in trust in emptiness, vanity, falseness and futurity. These shall be his recompense." Raphael lifted the gun above Spencer's head and pulled the trigger. The bang in the small room was almost deafening. _Please let them understand...please...please._

…_..._

_He got it wrong...he never gets things like this wrong...23: 4,_ thought Hotch walking back into the dinning room and grabbing one of the many Bibles in this hell hole. _It's a hint...a message...he's telling us how to save him. _Gideon came into the room followed by the rest of the team.

"I'm not a narcissist," blurted Hotch trying to find the passage.

"He's not in his right mind..." started Gideon and Hotch cut him off.

"That's not what I'm talking about...Ok everyone here list my worst quality." _Ok let's not all talk at once,_ thought Hotch watching the team stay quite. "Ok...I'll start. I have no sense of humor."

"You're a bully," muttered JJ.

"I'm a bully," agreed Hotch.

"You can be a drill sergeant sometimes," suggested Morgan.

"You don't trust women as much as men," said Emily.

"All right, I'm all these things," agreed Hotch. "But, no one said I put myself above the team because I don't. Ever! Reid and I argued over the classic definition of narcissism and he knew that I would remember that and he also quoted Genesis: Chapter 23 Verse 4. Read it!" Hotch handed JJ the Bible.

"I'm a stranger and a sojourner. If you give me property for burial place among you so that I may bury my dead out of my sight."

"He wouldn't get it wrong unless it was on purpose," said Hotch almost smiling. They were going to find Reid one way or another. He had given them all the clues, they just had to put them together.

_I knew you would survive,_ thought Gideon.

…...

"Who's Catherine?" asked Tobias getting a cup of water for him. He had slipped back to himself a few minutes ago and said he was sorry that his father had hurt him so badly.

"What?" asked Spencer suddenly fearful.

"When you sleep sometimes you mutter people's name...the one you keep repeating most is Catherine. Who is she? Your wife?" _No...no...I'm not sure I could ever work up the nerve for that question...and who's to say she would say yes to me. Besides us married, the odds are so stacked against us I don't want to think. Look what happened to our parents and their marriages._

"She's just special to me." Tobais held the cup out and let Spencer take small sips. "Thank you." Spencer felt hopeful they would figure it out and his nightmare would finally end. He wanted to hug JJ, say he was sorry to Hotch, just be in the same room with Catherine. He just wanted to go home. Tobais held the cup out again and let him drink some more.

"You saved my life." Spencer knew it had to be Tobais that did CPR. The father was going to let him die and Raphael didn't care either way. It had to be Tobais that saved him. _Maybe there is hope for him. He needs help so badly._

"I'm sorry," said Tobais quietly and he looked at Spencer sadly.

"Why?" asked Spencer confused.

"He'll win in the end," admitted Tobais sadly and Spencer felt his hope sink slightly. Tobais bent down and was prepping another syringe of the drug and Spencer found himself wanting it. _Just till they get here...it's just to make this speed up._

"Tobais can I ask you something...are we in a cemetery?"

"Yes." he took Spencer's arm and started feeling again for a vein. "I used to come here to get high."

"I was right," laughed Spencer. He felt the belt tightening around his arm and he didn't care.

"No on bothers you here and I never told anyone about it." _I did..._He felt the wonderful rush again and he let it wash over him.

_ Spencer let his mind drift to his mother. If the meds were like this why did she fight so hard about taking them? He had tried so hard with her, therapy, drugs, Catherine's family caring for her when he was away and nothing helped. He couldn't help her. The memory of the day he sent her away came back to him. Her pleading with him to not be sent away, that she wanted to stay home. He was weak after all, just like his his father. He said he was doing it for her, but deep down a part of it was because he was so tired: Tried of trying, tried of worrying , tried of waiting for a phone call that something horrible had happened with her. For once in his whole life, he understood a fragment of what his father must of felt dealing with her. However his father made the choice not to deal anymore, instead he left it to Spencer to be the ultimate knife in her heart. He sat down in her chair and wept. He was so sorry._

"I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry..." The high was wearing off faster than before and Spencer was half tempted to ask Tobais for more when he heard the voice of Tobais's father.

"What are you sorry for boy?"

"I sent her away," admitted Spencer.

"Who?"

"My mom...I couldn't help her." _I was weak and selfish, I didn't have it in me to keep doing it._

"Is that a confession?" asked Tobais.

"I confess..."said Spencer weakly. _I'm so tired...I just need out..._

"You know your Bible? Exodus: 21: 17?"

"And he who curse his father or his mother...shall surely be put to death." Tobais bent down and unlocked the cuffs and Spencer felt blood rush into his hands, they were numb from the cuffs.

"Grab a shovel." Spencer just fell out of the chair and onto the dirty wooden floor. _Where are they..._

"Get up," ordered Tobais and he kicked Spencer in the ribs. He reached down and yanked Spencer up by his hair. "Come on." He pulled Spencer down the stairs and walking on his foot was so painful he wanted to pass out. He started to hobble on his other foot, the ground was cold and wet, plus rocks and twigs were tearing through his dress sock.

They walked into the wooded area away from the cabin and Tobais threw him to the ground and handed him the shovel.

"You dug your mother's grave now I'm going to make you dig yours." He stood over Spencer with the knife he used to kill six people. Spencer weakly took the shovel and forced himself into a kneeling position. He was no match for Tobais in this state, he was beaten, dehydrated and still coming down slightly from the last high. _God why didn't it last longer..._

"I ought bury you alive in there. Give you time to think about what you did," mocked Tobais.

"I know what I've done..."

"Don't talk back to me...dig!" His whole body was so sore he could hardly lift the shovel an inch.

"Dig faster!"

"I can't...I'm not strong enough." Tobais flung his coat aside.

"You're all weak...give me that!" Spencer saw it first, a light coming through the trees. His face must have given it away, because Tobais turned around to see what had caught his eye. _Grab it! _Without a second thought Spencer grabbed the gun out of Tobais's coat and pointed it him. Tobais turned back and glared at Spencer.

"Only one bullet in that gun boy!" He raised the knife and went to charge at Spencer when he pulled the trigger. The gun went off with a loud bang and Spencer hit Tobais in the chest.

"Reid!" he heard someone yell and Spencer stood up quickly and took the knife away from Tobais.

"You killed him!" He almost sounded happy and Spencer just wanted to cry.

"Tobais." He heard them yelling his name and the lights got closer, but all he could see was this poor man dying in front of him.

"Do you think I'll get to see my mom again?" he asked almost joyful.

"I'm sorry." His eyes glassed over and Tobais Henkle was no more. The lights were in his face and he looked up to see everyone looking down at him with mixed looks of relief and sadness. Hotch put his gun away and bent down next him him.

"Reid," Hotch helped him up and Spencer hugged him not caring what others thought.

"I knew you would understand," he whispered. Hotch hugged him back tightly and Spencer saw Morgan trying to hold back tears and JJ standing there like she had never seen him in her life. She brushed past Morgan and hugged him so tight he thought he was going to pass out again. He hugged her just as hard.

"I am so sorry," she said her voice filled with tears. He hugged her tighter.

"It's ok...it's not your fault." _It was my own fault. _JJ and Morgan walked away and it was soon just him and Gideon

"Let's get you out of here," said Gideon. He went to help Spencer walk away and Spencer broke

away.

"Can I just have a second alone?" asked Spencer. Gideon nodded and walked back towards the team. Spencer knelt back down and looked into the face of the man who tried to kill him and who had brought him back from the dead. _Tell me it doesn't help?_ God it did help, he didn't want to admit it but the hours he had spent under the drug passed out was one of the reasons he was alive. _That feeling, don't forget the feeling of it._ Spencer reached a shaking hand into the dead's man pocket and pulled out two vials of the clear drug. He quickly slipped the drug into his back pocket and started hobbling back towards his team mates.

…...

Casto was asleep on the sofa with his shoes still on, Catherine felt something tug at her heart. _Sometimes Spencer will pass out like that while he's reading._ It was getting close to midnight...day three of him missing was coming and she found that she couldn't cry anymore. She was just beyond tears, the thought of losing Spencer was just a black void that left her numb emotionally. She had missed him greatly when they weren't speaking because of her marriage to Paul. At first she was so mad at him for dumping all the feelings he had on her ,when she had been trying so hard to press her feelings for him down into nothing because she assumed that was what he wanted. _He wanted me like a friend nothing more._

She rode on that wave of being mad at him for a while, but when it started to fade she horrible about just leaving him the way she had. Even though three years before he had done the same to her and that was after she let him have her and he was her first ever. She was mostly likely his first too but they never really talked about it than and they had agreed to let the past be the past so it was never discussed. The marriage had been a mistake, she had a feeling if they had stayed engaged longer they would have seen the little faults in each other that ended the marriage just short of a year.

When she really got down to it, it was because they just outgrew each other. She loved him and he loved her but it wasn't the way you should love someone forever. The split was done over coffee and bagels at a local diner.

"You're going back to him aren't you?" asked Paul after the papers were signed. They really had nothing to fight over, they were both still students. She gave him back his mother's ring and he took it and handed her back her grandfather's cuff links when he asked her about Spencer.

"What?" asked Catherine.

"To Spencer...you're going back to him."

"No. Why would you even ask that?"

"We get married and suddenly you two stop speaking, The night we got engaged he looked so sad and pissed off and than you're wanting to run off and get married that night after he leaves. Something wasn't right, but I loved you and I wanted to get married too. Why wait huh?" Paul looked down at his coffee and Catherine felt herself tear up.

"It was selfish and I'm sorry. But I'm not going back to Spencer...not yet. I need...I need to figure out what I want."

"I wasn't all bad was it?" asked Paul.

"No, it wasn't that at bad all. My dad though is kind of happy to longer have a Red Sox fan for a son in law," joked Catherine and Paul laughed.

"My sister is kind of bummed...but she wasn't surprised you know. We were the only idiots who didn't see it coming."

"Maybe." Paul picked up the tab and Catherine picked up the papers to file at the courthouse. They walked outside together and Catherine looked up at Paul and he grinned at her.

"Good luck to you madam. If we reach 40 and we still have no takers you wanna try again?"

"You'll get a taker, but 40 sounds good." He bent down and hugged her.

They parted ways and within two weeks their marriage was legally over. Paul transferred to Chicago and she stayed in Boston to finish school. She heard that Paul was now engaged to a law student and the rumor was they were expecting a baby and she couldn't be happier for him. She finished school and was putting her feelers out for a job when she saw the tabloid magazine with Spencer on the cover and she almost dropped her soda in the checkout lane. She bought the magazine and skimmed it. Something about an actress with an unknown Federal agent, but she would know him from anywhere. Catherine had no clue where Spencer was and it took her a few phone calls and a few Google searches later to find him. It was sad to think they had grown so far apart she had to Google him. She found his work address and decided to take the first bite of crow, maybe he would forgive or and maybe he wouldn't, at least she would be honest this time with him.

She sat in the bed and thought about how much Spencer had changed in the past few years and how maybe being apart had been the best thing for them. It helped them grow and finally be honest with each for once. She stared at the wall and counted the times he told her he loved her. Ten in all. The first time was after their fourth real date and they were walking around The Circle, just killing time before going home and he just blurted it out and he said it so fast she almost missed it since he didn't sign it.

"Repeat that last part," signed Catherine. He looked shocked that she had caught him.

"I love you," he signed and he looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him or for some other horrible thing to happen. _God he's still such a spaz. _She stood on her toes and kissed his cheek.

"I love you too." She took his hand and he interwove his fingers between hers and they just kept walking.

In the darkness of the room, Casto's phone lit up like a firefly. She saw him twitch on the sofa before jerking awake to answer the phone. She watched his face change from neutral to one of almost pure shock. _It's about Spencer...please..please god..._Casto turned on the light and saw Catherine sitting up in the bed. Not surprised that she wasn't asleep she had barely slept in two days. Casto wrote a note and handed it to her.

"They found him...and he's going to be ok."

…...

Spencer was laying in the hospital bed and was drifing in and out. The doctors had insisted he stay over night. He was given a CAT scan to make sure he didn't suffer any brain damage, an EKG to make sure he didn't suffer any heart damage after it stopped. Both his feet had cuts and his other foot had a few broken bones. His head wound was wrapped and he had an IV in his arm to replace the fluids he had lost over two days. The nurse went to put the IV in his right arm and Spencer requested the IV be placed in his left arm. Spencer didn't want her to see the marks on his arms and he also requested that his clothes stay here. The nurses didn't ask question and they left him to rest. He closed his eyes and all he saw was Tobais's eyes staring back at him.

He shifted in his bed and found his body still hurt from being in a chair for almost two days. He heard Gideon and Hotch in the hallway and he closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep so they would leave him alone, just for now. He wanted to forget, to drift back to that place were he didn't need to think or feel anything. The bottles were tucked in his pocket and he wanted them so badly right now _Ask the nurse for something when she comes back...you're in pain. _

"She's asking to see him," said a male voice he didn't know.

"He's sleeping right now," said Gideon.

"I have spent almost three days in a room with that poor girl who has been crying her eyes over that boy. Let her see him for just five minutes," said the voice. _Catherine...did they bring her here?_

"Let her see him," said Hotch.

"Thank you," said the voice. Things got quite and he heard two sets of footsteps come into the room.

"Remember what I told you honey. Good luck ok." One set of foorsteps left and another got closer to his bedside. He felt a hand on his and the fingers interweave in his.

"I missed you," said a voice and he knew that voice. He squeezed her hand lightly just to let her know he knew it was her. Catherine sat in the chair next to his bedside and put her head on the bed. He reached over and started stroking her hair.

"I missed you too," he muttered. He felt her breathing even out and he opened one eye to see that she was asleep, her head on his bed and her hand wrapped in his. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. Hotch looked in on them and saw that Catherine was asleep in the chair, her hand holding his and Reid was truly finally asleep.

Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much. Helen Keller 


	17. Chapter one  part nine

Chapter one part nine

**some adult content**

I do myself a greater injury in lying than I do him of whom I tell a lie. Michel de Montaigne

Catherine unlocked the door to his apartment and sat his bags down. He hobbled in the door and over to the sofa. Catherine shut the door and locked it firmly behind her. He had been released from the hospital this morning and the four hour flight home was so quite he could hear a pin drop. Everyone kept looking at him and he wished they would just stop. Spencer felt Catherine take his hand and he squeezed it hard.

"Your apartment is closer...I can stay with you," signed Catherine.

"You don't have to stay with me," signed Spencer. Catherine looked up at him.

"Um yes I do. Don't fight me on this one sir." The look on her face told him he was not going to get away from her. He had missed her, she had been one of his all consuming thoughts when he was in that hell hole, but he just wanted to be alone now. He shifted in his seat and itched his arm, it had been tingling since they had left the hospital. The nurse had given him some oral pain killers and they had done the trick for a while and now he felt like his whole body was just tingling. _It's withdrawal...I'm going through withdrawal. I need to go through this and I'll be fine...I shouldn't have taken those bottles from him. I'll get rid of them when I get home. _

_ You took a syringe though,_ muttered a voice in his head. A nurse unhooking from his IV left her case unattended and he saw a syringe in her kit. She was throwing away his tubing when he took it from her without her noticing. That and the bottles were now hidden in his shoulder bag. Catherine sat his shoulder bag on the table and than sat next to him. She appeared nervous and ill at ease and he reached over to her.

"Catherine." The tears that she had been holding back sprang to her eyes and she wiped them away quickly.

"I was...so...scared for you," she signed and she shook her head. He took her hands and kissed her forehead.

"I'm ok." _Liar...you are so far from that._ She reached over and hugged him tight.

"You know how to get a girl going." She wiped her eyes again quickly and stood up. "You want some tea?"

"Sounds good," signed Spencer. Catherine went into the kitchen and started filling a kettle and turning on the stove. Spencer stood up and hobbled into the kitchen.

"I was going to bring it to you," signed Catherine. Spencer put his hands on her hips, pushed her against the counter and kissed her hard. _I want to forget...help me forget. _She froze at first, but kissed him back just as hard. He dug his fingers into her hips and pulled her closer to him so she could feel the start of his erection. She broke away from the kiss and just looked up him.

"Spencer..." she muttered.

"I want to forget..." he pulled her back into the kiss and started to moved against her getting more excited by the second. He felt her hands fighting with the buttons on his shirt and he heard the kettle going off.

"Son of a bitch," muttered Spencer and he reached over and shut the stove off. He turned his attention back to Catherine, who was biting her lip and she was looking at him with a mix of longing and fear.

"The doctor said you need to rest and..." Spencer cut her off again by kissing her harder than before and moving against her faster and harder.

"I want this...you...now," he muttered.

He started pushing up at her shirt and he felt her hands back on his chest. He allowed her to break the kiss so they could go to his room, once he had her in there he took her so hard she was almost in tears from a mix of things. He was never like this with her and it was almost frightening. She was just so happy to have him home and alive she would have let him do anything to her. She could feel him talking in her ear and his hands pulling her hair. Spencer made her look him in the eyes and she could see something there that she couldn't make out. Like he was lost and wanted her to find him. She pulled him close and kissed him slowly. _Just come home._

When he finally climaxed he looked down at her and it was like he was coming back to himself and saw that she was almost crying.

"Oh god...Catherine are you ok?" Spencer brushed her hair back and just held her. _God damn...I didn't mean to hurt her...I just wanted to forget and I can't forget._

"I'm ok...I'm ok," muttered Catherine. Spencer laid down next to her so she could sign easier.

"You just...you've never been like that before," she admitted.

"Like what?" he asked.

"Like you were never going to have me again." _I almost came close to not being able too. _Spencer kissed her forehead and pulled her close. Catherine put her head on his chest and he let her go to sleep. Spencer held her close and waited for her breathing to even out. He waited till she was in a deep sleep and than got out of bed. He put on a robe and headed back into the living room. He reached into his bag and pulled out the bottles and syringe. He put them in his pocket and went into the bathroom. He shut and locked the bath room door.

Spencer sat on the edge of the tub and debated with himself for what felt like hours. He wanted the high again so badly it was a physically pain and he was tired of being in physical pain. He knew the high was just a reaction to stimuli in the pleasure center of his brain and he needed to fight it. He was tempted to go wake Catherine up and have another go with her, but the first time hadn't done anything for him. If anything he wanted the drugs more than the sex and that was during the act, in which he reduced Catherine to near tears and didn't even notice or care until he finished. Spencer rubbed his arm and stared at the bottles.

_Just one more time...and a smaller dose than the one Tobais gave me. Just to dull it. _Spencer looked at the locked door and without a second thought, filled the syringe with a smaller dose and used a tie in the bathroom on his arm. Finding a vein was a bit harder, but he managed to find it and he pushed the syringe into his arm and pushed the plunger down. It was quick and he felt like he was floating. _Better than the sex, _he thought. He untied his arm and stood up shaking. Spencer hid the bottles and syringe in a drawer that he never used. Spencer slumped against the door, while the drug hadn't knocked him out it did make him feel relaxed and sent him on a mild wave of relief.

Spencer went back into the bedroom and saw Catherine was still asleep. _I wanted to forget...I used to be able to forget everything when I was with you like that...I can't now. _He crawled back into his bed and put his arms around Catherine. _I just needed that little bit is all...I still love you so much._

…_..._

_ Two weeks later_

Catherine was getting dressed for her interview with the representatives from Nippon College and the representatives from the college on her campus when Spencer came out of the bathroom. He looked tired even though he had slept all night without waking up once. Today was his first day back at the BAU and she couldn't blame him for how tired and stressed he looked.

"It figures your first day back they have a case out of town. I think they held it just for you," signed Catherine. Spencer sat down on the bed and he looked a hundred miles away. It was a look that Catherine was finding herself becoming all to familiar with.

He cleared all his psych test and said he was ready to go back, but when they were together she noticed all these little things that made her question his decision to go back. She had gone back to work last week and when she would come back to his place at night he was just spacey or distant with her or he would ask her to not come over that he just wanted to be alone. Against her better judgment she let him have that alone time. If she did stay over at his place they would go to bed and he would either pass out and than wake up in cold sweats and it felt like his heart pounding out of his chest or he would simply lay there all night unable to sleep. Those were the nights she would come over and find him asleep on the sofa, a book in his hands or a dropped cup of coffee on the floor. He was so tired two nights ago he fell asleep while they were talking, right in mid sign he just closed his eyes and went to sleep.

Catherine sat down next to him on the bed and put her hand on his knee. Spencer jumped and looked surprised to see her there.

"Did you forget I was here?" she asked.

"I just spaced out a minute." He grabbed his shoes and started putting them on.

"You know...no one would think badly of you if you wanted more time off." Spencer whipped his head up and looked at her like she was the crazy one.

"I'm fine." he signed quickly. She could tell in his tone that he clearly wasn't fine. Before she could sign anything else, he grabbed his bag and went back into the bathroom. He shut the door and came out a few seconds later.

"I have to go. I'll see you in a few days." He kissed the top of her head quickly and left the apartment. Catherine sighed and finished getting ready for the interview. _He didn't even nag me about prepping for the interview._ She knew that he had things on this mind other than here, like about going back to work and how he felt the team would treat him. He refused to talk about what happened in Georgia and she understood that, but it felt like he was trying to shut out completely.

On top of being emotionally distant with her, he was starting to become physically distant with her. If she would go to hold his hand or hug him he would simply freeze up and find some way to get away from her. _God what happened to you there? _She had thought about going to Garcia or Derek just to see if they would give her some understand of what had happened in Georgia. She knew Spencer had badly beaten, that was glaring clear when she saw him. She didn't want to know everything, but she needed to know somethings if she was going to be here seeing him through this nightmare. She finished getting ready and headed out of the apartment. _Just be ok Spencer._

…...

"Their bodies were found in a wooded area in a Southern part of the county," said Hotch about two of the four victims that were found in Westchester county and Spencer felt his focus slip. _He was running through the corn field again, JJ was screaming and he heard the gun shots. His head exploding in pain and the feel of cold, wet dirt and dead leaves on his back as he was pulled out of the field._

"The mayor has a right to be concerned. If this doesn't stop soon, it could turn into a full race riot," said Gideon.

Spencer bit the inside of his cheek and forced himself to look at the photos on the screen and read the report. Four dead teenagers, three young African American girls and one Caucasian male. Two the girls had been found beaten, strangled and stabbed. The male had been shot and the third female had yet to have her cause of death determined. All four though had been marked in some way with a swastika and the suburb in Westchester county were calling them hate crimes. Hotch told them they were leaving now.

Spencer picked up his shoulder bag and overnight bag and followed behind Morgan. So far no was treating him with kid gloves and he needed that, he needed to feel normal again. He had gone in yesterday to finish the last of his release paperwork and he sat down with Hotch.

"I'm glad you're coming back," said Hotch handing Spencer the last stack of paper work.

"Where else would I go?" asked Spencer. Hotch nodded, this job was about being overworked and unpaid. It was about seeing the worst things people would do to each other and seeing families ruined. It was trying to pretend things in the world were ok when you knew otherwise, yet he couldn't see himself anywhere but here at the BAU. He filled out the last form and Hotch studied him like an Un-sub and Spencer felt himself sit up a little straighter.

"We're all very glad to have you back." _And not dead and buried somewhere _was the unspoken part of that sentence in Spencer's mind.

"Tell me I'm not getting one of those welcome back parties," said Spencer and Hotch sighed.

"I'll tell Garcia you don't want a party."

"I just...I want back on the team," said Spencer. _I want to forget that everyone saw me dead on the floor of a shack._

"You never left the team," said Hotch.

"Thank you," Spencer stood up and shook his hand. Hotch took the forms to be filed and Spencer went to leave when he was ambushed by Morgan and Garcia wanting to take him out for lunch. He told them that he was going to meet with Catherine for lunch and that he would see them tomorrow. He had lied to both of them and went right back to his apartment and locked himself in the bathroom. Has he sat on the floor with his arm tied off feeling the rush of the Dulaudid hit him, he didn't care about anything at all. Spencer had went over the case file of Tobais Henkle and found out that Dulaudid was Tobais's dug of choice and sitting here right now Spencer couldn't blame him. _It takes the edge off so much...you don't feel anything, you don't think about anything and you don't care._ Spencer got up and shoved the drugs and needle back in the drawer. _I can stop if I want...I can...I just don't want to._

…...

Spencer forced himself to focus on the plane ride from DC to New York. _Remember when you could just focus,_taunted some voice in the back of his mind. Emily was asking why the Un-sub would drug the first two victims, but not rape them and he found himself fighting to stay focused on this case and not his own.

"Maybe he wants to weaken them so they don't fight back," said Spencer. _I would just pass out for hours on end._

"But he didn't with the double homicide," said Emily.

"A lot is difference about the double homicide," said Morgan. JJ heard the plane's fax machine beep and she got out of her seat and went to see what new details they had.

"Ok we have some new information about the latest victim. A few weeks before her murder, Sandra got a threatening letter delivered right to her front door. She showed it to her parents, her parents took it to the police and the police could never figure out who wrote it. " Spencer leaned forward and JJ handed him the note which he skimmed quickly and was happy for the chance to give something insightful on the case.

"We see Ken with you and it makes us sick. Take care to stop this now or you will pay. If you tell anyone about this you will pay," read Spencer out loud. "It doesn't seem real."

"What do you mean?" asked JJ.

"Well first of all the use of the word 'We' in a threat this direct is almost always bogus."

"One person trying to defuse blame to a group," agreed Emily.

"Also the wording is contradictory. 'Take care to stop this now or you will pay' means they want them to stop seeing each other. But, they don't want them going public with it, 'If you tell anyone about this you'll pay.' But the way this is worded they wanted Sandra to tell people," said Spencer.

"It doesn't sound like a guy prepared to kill," said JJ taking down some notes.

"Actually it doesn't sound like a guy at all. 'Take care' implies empathy and males don't use this type of language when trying to threaten somebody. No, this message was most likely written by a female and based on the lack of psychological maturity I would say this was most likely an adolescent," concluded Spencer.

"You think a girl killed these kids?" asked JJ shocked.

"I think a girl wrote that note," said Spencer. He looked at Gideon who was buried in his notes, but Spencer could see that he was slightly impressed that from a three sentence note he was able to profile a person. _I need to be back,_ thought Spencer. _I belong here._

…...

The team broke into parts. Hotch and Gideon going to look at the last crime scene, Emily and Morgan talking to a girl that the police suspected in writing the threatening note to Sandra, JJ was working on drafting a press statement with the mayor and that left Spencer going to the morgue to see if a final cause of death had been determined for Sandra Davis.

Spencer followed a lab tech down the hall of the morgue and into an exam room. He washed his hands on put on a pair of latex gloves.

"You must be with the FBI," he turned around and saw an older Asian man come into the room though the back. "I'm Dr. Koda, the Head Pathologist."

"I'm Dr. Spencer Reid, I'm here to see about a final cause of death for Sandra Davis." Dr. Koda nodded to his back room.

"I was just about to finish. I imagine you want to see the girl," Dr Koda said matter of factly.

"Want is strong word," said Spencer. The doctor motion for Spencer to follow him across the room. He opened a drawer and pulled table and body out. Dr. Koda pulled the sheet back so Spencer could see her face or what was left of her face. It was just a swollen broken down mess. _It doesn't even look like a face...she looks like a thing of clay before it's shaped. You have to pound it into a shape and she was clearly just pound. _

"I had to ID by her teeth...well what was left of her teeth. I couldn't let her family see her like this. I have girls this age and I couldn't imagine having to see them like this." Dr. Koda pulled the sheet back up. "She had minor defense wounds on her hands and arms, but she was beaten so badly it didn't make a difference and that I'm afraid is her cause of death."

"The beating?" asked Spencer.

"This monster beat her so badly I can't tell you what killed her." Koda pushed the body back into the drawer and again motioned for Spencer to follow him into his office. Koda sat down at his desk and printed up his final report.

"She had some post mortem stab wounds on her body. At least she wasn't sexual assaulted...small favors right," said Koda handing Spencer the report.

"Did you see this type of over kill on the other victims?" asked Spencer.

"He killed them wasn't that enough?" countered Koda. Spencer gave him a look and Koda sighed. "Not like this. Yes they were beaten and badly at that, but at least their families could look at them one last time to say good bye. When you catch this bastard do me a favor?"

"What?" asked Spencer finding the the doctor to be wearing him out.

"Knock out over half his teeth too." Dr. Koda turned back to his computer and Spencer guessed that was his cue they were now done. Spencer took the report and headed back upstairs.

_She was in a lot of pain...the blows just kept coming and she couldn't get away. I bet she begged and pleaded and cried for her mom or anyone to save her..._

"Shut up," Spencer muttered to himself. He couldn't get the thoughts out of his head though of Sandra Davis crying and begging this person to stop hurting her, that she would do anything only if he stopped. _Just like you tied to that chair begging him to stop it. _Spencer looked around and walked into the bathroom. He quickly checked the stalls and than locked the bathroom door behind him. _I just need to stop thinking about it, I just need it to stop._ He pulled out the bottles and stared at them. It was one thing to do this at home when he was alone. He was on the job and in a police station and this was illegal. _Just a small dose...just a small one._

"Has anyone seen Reid?" called Hotch. "Reid!" _Fuck,_ he thought and he shoved the bottles back into his bag and went out to the area that had been set up for them. He jogged up to Hotch like he was just getting there.

"There you are," said Hotch and Spencer handed him the coroner's report. Hotch read the report out loud to Detective Ware and explained that the post mortem stab wounds was the Un-sub's way of acting out a his own sex act and the detective had to repress a shudder.

"This was also fairly extreme over kill that wasn't seen in the other victims," said Spencer. The detective and Hotch started talking about how this was the same killer and he didn't get what he wanted from Sandra hence the over kill and Spencer tried to focus and found it lacking. He looked at the photos of the girls lying dead in the leaves and found he had to repress his own shudder. _They felt cold and than they felt like they were floating and than nothing. All the pain just stopped and all that was left was a black void. But first they had to go through moments of pain that felt like days on end and all they wanted to do was to go home. _

…...

Spencer woke up the next morning to his phone chiming at him. He wanted to sleep so badly he took a much larger dose than normal and it seemed to do the trick. He fumbled for his phone only to have it fall off the stand. _Shit._ He felt around on the floor for the phone and picked it up. The text was from Catherine last night around nine before he passed out.

_Interview went well...I think. I should hear back in a few weeks. Hope your ok. _Spencer rolled over and kicked himself. He forgot to text Catherine last night and he forgot about her interview with the abroad trip committee. _Just think she could leave for three months and we wouldn't have to deal with her._ The thought came to him so fast and out of no where it left him stunned. Yes he wanted her to go because it would be good for her not because he wanted to her leave him.

_Oh come on, admit it she's been annoying these past two weeks. I can hardly breathe without her freaking out._

_ It's because she's worried about me...she worried about me for almost three days and what could of happened to me._

_ I'm fine, I don't need her worrying about me._

_ Just talk to her for god's sake, tell her what happened...tell her what's happening now._

_ No...I'm fine! _Spencer flipped open his phone and sent Catherine a text.

_Sorry I was busy and didn't get back to you. That's great about the interview. Tell me about it when I get home. _Spencer flipped his phone shut and went to take a shower. _I want her to go because it's a good chance for her...it's for her, not me._

…...

The case wrapped up quickly and they were able to save the life of what was almost the Un-sub's fifth victim. Sadly it ended up costing Detective Ware his life when a neighbor thought him to be the killer since they had given the profile to be an African American man driving a dark colored car. They had stayed an extra day to attend the detective's funeral. Spencer watched Morgan who had been with Ware when he died. _Just think Morgan could have been at your funeral. Would he have stood off to the side like he's doing now? Would he try to comfort Catherine or my mother? Hell would my father even be there,_ thought Spencer watching Ware parents hug their grandchildren. Spencer itched his arm and he just wanted to go home. _I just wanna be alone...I don't wanna think._

…_..._

"Reid...I asked if you were alright?" asked Morgan. They were on the plane ride home and he must have nodded off with the cards from their poker game in his hands.

"I'm fine...thanks for broadcasting it," muttered Spencer looking at his cards.

"Hey talk to me. Whatever you say to me in confidence stays between us and you know that," said Morgan. _Yeah I'm not telling Catherine or my mother anything and you think I'm really going to lay everything out for you? _

"I don't have anything to tell you." Morgan leaned forward in his seat and lowered his voice so only Spencer could hear him.

"Reid listen to me. What you went through out nobody expects you to rebound..." Spencer cut him off. _First Catherine now you. I'm not a child. _

"I can still do my job ok, I'm not going to freak out." Even though he was clearly spazzing out right now.

"You think I don't know that," said Morgan softly. _He still has faith that I can do this and I don't know if I have the faith in me to do this job._

"It was the crime scene photos," Spencer admitted.

"The crime scene photos?"

"The dead girls in the leaves." _Me on my hands and knees digging my own grave in the dead leaves and Tobais looking at me with his dead eyes in the leaves._

"We've seen worse," countered Morgan quietly.

"I know we've seen worse. But, for the first time...I know. I look at them and I know what they were thinking and what they were feeling right before." _The fear, the pain, just wanting it to stop, wanting that last second with someone you love, wanting them to know you love them and that final black void when everything stops._

"It's called empathy and it's a good thing."

"No it's not! It's got me messed up and I don't know how to focus and I can't do my job as well. What do I do?" _I need this to stop I can't feel this much all the time._

"You use it. Let it make you a better profiler, a better person," said Morgan.

"A better person," said Spencer quietly and Morgan nodded. _I don't wanna be a better person...I wanna be me again...why can't I go back? _

…...

Spencer walked into his apartment and fought back a sigh, Catherine was here. Garcia must have tipped her off that the case was closed. She had made him dinner and was sitting on the sofa reading. This used to be something he looked forward to when the cases were done and he came home. The sense that he had a normal life. _I need to be alone...please. _

"Hey," he signed.

"Your dinner selection is pork roast with those little potato things. You wanna take a shower before dinner?" asked Catherine sitting her book down.

"Actually do you mind if I skip dinner...I just wanna get some sleep."

"Spencer...just talk to me please," signed Catherine.

"About what?" he snapped not even bothering to sign it for her. Catherine was taken aback by his sudden outburst. It wasn't like him to just fly off like this.

"I just...I want you to be ok and you are clearly not ok."

"You're profiling me now."

"Why are you fighting with me?" asked Catherine surprised. "I'm not profiling you. I'm just someone who has known you for almost twenty years and can clearly tell that you're not ok. Why are you getting so pissed off with me?" _Why can't you just talk with me...why do you keep shutting me out._

"You wouldn't understand," he countered. _I don't want you to know...it will be different if you know._

"You're right I don't and I won't until you give me something to understand Spencer."

"I don't need you to understand!" He snapped. Catherine just shook her head and picked up her purse.

"Have a nice night." Catherine left the apartment slamming the door behind her hard. Spencer sat down on the sofa and just put his head in his hands. _I wanted a fight so she would leave, I choreographed a damn fight with her and for what._ He sat his bag down and heard them clink together like a bell. He reached into his bag and pulled out the one thing that didn't question him. He got up and put the chain on the apartment door and went into his bedroom.

The visionary lies to himself, the liar only to others. Friedrich Nietzsche

Notes- Dulaudid causes what is called 'nodding off' which is just falling asleep randomly for no reason. It also causes mood swings, cold sweats and rapid heart beats.


	18. Chapter one  part ten

Chapter one part ten

Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.- J.K. Rowling

It would be years later when Spencer would finally admit, even to himself that subconsciously he wanted to be caught. It would explain why he took Catherine's earrings, the earrings were a Christmas gift he got her. They were white gold with diamonds and she had left them sitting on the night stand in his apartment. He knew how much she liked and knew that she would miss them, deep down he knew what it would lead to if she found out what became of them. However at the time he really didn't care and the fallout that happened was just as he predicted. Only it hurt much more than he planned on.

It had been two days since Catherine had spoken to him and since it was the weekend he didn't have to be at work he had all the time alone he wanted and he had foolishly went through a bottle an a half of the Dulaudid without realizing it. _Shit..._he put the last bottle in the drawer and sat down on the floor. Spencer had no clue where to get anymore and he found himself getting anxious.

_What the hell...I'm a FBI agent._ He had access to police records. _You could get fired for this...this is private information. _He didn't care though and he starting searching for offenders that had been arrested for Dulaudid possession. _He was selling bottles for over seventy five dollars a pop...got out last month._ _On K Street..._

…...

By Monday morning Spencer still hadn't heard from Catherine and he found himself missing her. She hadn't called him all weekend and he knew that he had acted like an ass to her. _She didn't ask for this. It's unfair to her._ Spencer decided to head over to the school during his lunch break to talk with her, apologize to her really. He found Catherine in her office and stood in the doorway taking a moment to watch her.

She has wearing a green dress with a black sweater, her hair was down and was idly playing with it while reading some sort of e-mail and frowning. She looked young enough to be in school with some of the students, not teaching them. _She's pretty and she's not even trying._ He came into the office and sat down next to her, she looked up him surprised.

"Hi...what are you doing here?" asked Catherine. She seem guarded and nervous. It was his own fault considering how nasty he had been with her.

"I just, I haven't stopped by here in awhile and wanted to see you and say I'm sorry..." Catherine cut him off. He looked so tired and worn down, maybe he did feel bad about their fight this weekend.

"It's ok...I think the past couple of weeks have just been shitty for the both us and I know when your ready to talk to me you will." She reached into her desk and pulled out a candy bar and offered some to Spencer.

"So what's new?" asked Spencer taking a piece. Catherine nodded at the screen.

"I have to sit down with one of the girls from the Junior council and talk to her about her failing grades. She went from a 3.8 GPA to a 2.0 GPA and she's been ditching class more than once a week. I'm going to have to talk with her and maybe her mother."

"Any reason for the sudden change in behavior?" asked Spencer. Catherine broke off a piece of her chocolate and shrugged.

"She's a sixteen year old girl and the list goes on for days. It could be boyfriend issues, girlfriend issues, pregnancy scare, drugs, maybe she's just flipping her family the bird by slacking off. It's just a shame she's really talented and I hate that she's just walking blindly down a really bad road." Spencer leaned over and kissed her forehead.

"You're doing a good job you know that right." _Not just here...putting up with me._ Spencer heard some giggling from behind him. He looked and saw a group of girls peeking into Catherine's office.

"Girls...class...now," signed Catherine. They giggled some more and headed down the hall.

"They all giggle the same way," signed Spencer. "Would it be alright if I stopped by your place tonight?" Catherine smiled at him.

"Sure. Could you bring my earrings with you please?"

"Which pair?" asked Spencer, she had at least six pairs over at his place.

"The ones you got me for Christmas. I wanted to wear them today and they're not at my place so that only leaves your place."

"Sure you didn't leave them at your other boyfriend's apartment," joked Spencer. She started to laugh and he felt a small weight being lifted off his shoulders. _Maybe we can still be ok._

"Oh wait...maybe Marco has them...or Sean...sexy, sexy Sean," teased Catherine.

"Very funny. I'll see you tonight." Spencer leaned over and kissed her.

"Way to go Ms. D!" said a voice. Spencer turned around and it was another group of kids laughing.

"Class...now," ordered Catherine to the group of teenagers that went down the hall laughing.

"I should go before we get a larger audience," signed Spencer. He hugged her and walked past the group of teenagers who had been laughing.

"Thanks for the show," called one of the kids.

"Anytime," said/signed Spencer leaving the school.

…...

Spencer had every intention of just heading right to Catherine's and trying to focus on trying to make things better between them, but his arm started to itch and he felt like he was going to be sick to his stomach. He opened the bathroom drawer and stared at the almost finished bottle. _I need more...just a little more._ He took a small hit of Dulaudid and felt relaxed. Spencer picked up his overnight bag and scooped up Catherine's earrings from the night stand and placed them in his shoulder bag.

He decided to drive to Catherine's instead to taking the Metro. However, Spencer found himself without thought heading to K Street though. _After this...I'll stop...I won't do it anymore._ It was easy to find the dealer. His blank eyes took Spencer in quickly and seized him up.

"What you want bean pole."

"Dulaudid."

"You don't waste time...I like that. Never seen you before, you a cop?"

"Just new in town."

"New customers have to pay more...after that I give price breaks."

"How much?" asked Spencer reaching for his wallet.

"Hundred a pop."

"I have eighty."

"Hundred...even." Spencer felt his arm tingle. _I need this._

"One second..." He reached into his shoulder bag and pulled out Catherine's earrings.

"These were one hundred and fifty." The dealer took the earrings and looked at them.

"Nice...really nice." He took the earrings and pocketed them. He handed Spencer two bottles.

"You don't waste time and you save me shopping for my girlfriend so I'll give you break. Look forward to doing business with you more often." Spencer said nothing and headed for his car. He shoved the bottles in his bag and headed to Catherine's.

When Catherine asked him about the earrings he said that he couldn't find them she got really upset.

"God where did I put them?"

"You'll find them," signed Spencer sitting down next to her.

"I really liked them and I could have sworn I left them at your place."

"I'm sure they'll turn up." Catherine put head down on his lap and he ran his hand through her hair. It was the way Spencer was acting that made Catherine wonder. He seemed to know something and he didn't want to tell her. If anything he would have insisted that they search her place and than his to make sure they had searched everywhere.

_Something is just off..._

…...

A few days later Catherine went over to Spencer's apartment after class to look for her earrings. She let herself in and frowned, the apartment was dark and closed in. Spencer was overly neat and the apartment was messy beyond belief. She closed the door behind her and opened the curtains to let light in. _What is going on with him?_ He seemed like himself a few nights ago, but she could sense something was wrong like he was hiding something from her.

Catherine felt terrible snooping in his stuff, but she didn't have a choice in this matter. Spencer was just all over the place and she couldn't figure it out. _One minute he's picking fights with me, doesn't call for days, than the next he's visiting me between classes, but he's still hiding something. _Catherine picked up a bunch of dishes from the table, went into the kitchen and washed them. She than started picking up the rest of the apartment and looking for her earrings. She couldn't find them in the living room or in the bedroom.

Catherine went into the bathroom and started cleaning. _Maybe he dropped them down the drain and he didn't wanna tell me._ She cleaned off the counter and went to put some things in a drawer. Catherine opened the drawer and bottle rolled towards her. _What the..._Catherine picked up the bottle..._This isn't insulin. _She read the label... _Dulaudid what the hell is this? _She looked in the drawer and found the syringe and something inside her just froze. _Oh no...no no no...he...not Spencer...God he got so pissed that one time I smoked pot with Ethan and Paul I thought he would never talk to me again he wouldn't use drugs._ But didn't it explain everything really, his mood swings, him being distant and spacey, all of it? Catherine felt tears well up. She was so absorbed in staring at this bottle and trying to wrap her mind on all the problems and lies this small bottle had caused she didn't even notice Spencer behind her.

…...

Spencer walked into his apartment and was taken aback by how clean it was. All his books and papers were stacked on the coffee table that had been cleared of dishes. Spencer was going to guess this was Catherine's handiwork since it was her purse on his coffee table and a small smile came to him. _Had I known getting a girlfriend came with a maid service I would have got one a long time ago._ He sat his own bag down when he heard something like a gasp and a muffled sob come from the bathroom. He walked back into the bathroom to see Catherine standing there holding his bottle of Dulaudid trying not to cry. _She knows..._ A wave of pure angry just came over him though, she had no right to be here in his things without him knowing. Spencer grabbed her wrist and she finally noticed him there.

"What are you doing!" He demanded. Spencer had a vice like grip on her wrist and with his other hand pried the bottle out of her hand.

"What are you doing?" he repeated and pulled her out the bathroom. Catherine was signing at him and he didn't care and just kept yelling at her. She could hardly make out what he was saying, he was pissed off that much was clear, but he was yelling at her and it was so fast she couldn't keep up with it even if she was better at lip reading.

"I can't understand you!" she cried and tried to pry his hand off her wrist.

"Of course you can't," he signed and let go of wrist. Catherine rubbed it, a dark red band was forming where he grabbed her.

"What are you doing to yourself Spencer?"

"You had no right to go through my things! What I do when we're not together is none of your business?"

"None of my business! Look at you! You're all the place, you look like hell and somehow that's not my business," signed Catherine furious at him.

"No it's not!" signed Spencer holding the bottle tightly in his hand.

"I'm worried about you. This isn't who you are...not at all. Let's just talk about this," signed Catherine. Catherine was making a tactical error, she thought she was dealing Spencer and she wasn't she was dealing with whatever demon nightmare he brought back with him from Georgia. Catherine was coming to battle with the truth and how much she carried about him, Spencer on the hand was coming to battle with much sharper weapons and knew where to strike.

"You wanna talk fine..." He stopped signing and started pacing back and forth while talking so she couldn't follow even if she wanted to.

"That's not fair!" Catherine bit back her tears, he was being cruel on purpose and mocking her inability to hear him. She grabbed his hand and made him look at her. "Can't you see how awful you're being right now? This isn't you," Spencer yanked his hand away and just glared down at her.

"Spencer...I love you and..." he cut her off.

"I don't!" The look on her face was one he would remember even if he didn't have an eidetic memory. It was one of pure hurt and sadness.

"What?"

"I don't love you...you really thought I did?"

"Please stop it...stop lying."

"You thought I would wanna be with you? Someone who can't be in different room and hear me talking?"

"Why are you doing this? Why are being like this to me...it's not you."

"You want to know what you are to me really? A masturbatory fantasy I've had since I was thirteen. I don't love you...I never did...you are something I wanted to screw and now I have and now I'm bored" Catherine slapped him and he barely felt it.

"You...you're not Spencer and when he comes down from whatever this is...you tell him not to call me, don't come see me he's home, you tell him to stay away from me," signed Catherine.

"Not a problem." She wiped her eyes, grabbed her purse and slammed out of his apartment. Spencer felt the bottle digging into this hand and it hurt. _She had no right...no right at all._

…...

"Thank you for meeting with me on such short notice," Catherine slid her notebook across the table to Gideon. He studied the young woman across from him who looked much older than twenty five. It was in her eyes, something that was just tired, sad and broken in someway.

"What can I do for you?" he wrote. Gideon had received an e-mail from her a few days ago, but they had a case in Texas that needed worked on first. The e-mail was vague, she had asked to meet with him and that he not tell Spencer she asked to meet with him alone.

He handed her the notebook back. She took the notebook back and started writing. Gideon watch her write her hand was shaking and she was biting her lip hard. Catherine handed him the book back after writing quickly. Gideon skimmed through it quickly and frowned.

_Spencer is sick, he's taking some sort of drug and I'm worried about him. He's not himself and I can't help him. He made it very clear that my help isn't needed._

"Are you sure?" asked Gideon. The look on her face was just bitter and took her book back.

_Yes I'm sure. I found them, I confronted him and he made his feelings on the subject very clear. I should have seen it sooner and I didn't. He needs help. _Gideon sighed, he had seen the signs that Reid was struggling and ignored them. Gideon had hoped that with time Reid would work through his issues, that this would make him a better agent. It clearly had not and looking across the table he saw a girl that was just a causality in a battle she didn't understand. He took the notebook back and started writing.

_Whatever happened, I'm sure Spencer didn't mean it. He cares about you a great deal and I'm sure he feels badly about what happened. He'll want you there when he gets better. _Gideon watched her read his note and frowned.

"No...no...I don't..." she spoke slowly. "He made himself very clear on what I really mean to him." Gideon took the notebook back and started writing.

_Than why are you looking for help on his behalf?_

"Because he won't...and even though he was...so hateful to me...I still care. But, I can't be with him anymore," she said. Catherine picked up notebook and looked at Gideon. "I hope you're stronger than me." She left a put dollars on the table for her coffee and left. Gideon sighed and reached for his phone.

"Hotch...yeah...we have a problem."

…...

Spencer went into his apartment and was thankful that it was so quite. After the non stop noise that had been in Texas he wanted quite. He didn't want to hear anything and he didn't want to be around anyone. Emily had been so far up his backside he could hardly work. _Who does she think she is...never seen me act like that, like she knows me?_

_ Catherine thought she knew you and look how nasty that got? Almost twenty years and you threw that right out the door. _Spencer sat his bag down and saw a plain envlope had been shoved under his door. He picked it up and found it to be heavy and bearing his name. He opened it up and found a note and his key.

_I'll change my locks. _Spencer looked over the coffee table and saw a box. He looked inside and saw all the things he had left over at Catherine's apartment over the course of a year. Clothes, books, other odds and ends that had been apart of her home. He sat the box aside, she must have braved coming back here when he was out of town. He started looking around his apartment and felt it had been changed something was missing. All over her things were gone, her clothes, her books, all the things that marked this place as part hers were removed. She was really done with him, she was so done with him she didn't want her keys back from him. _I'll change my locks._ She truly wanted nothing more to do with him.

_You're not Spencer and when he comes down from whatever this is...you tell him not to call me, don't come see me he's home, you tell him to stay away from me._

He was coming down and he was coming down hard. He hurt and it was more than wanting the drugs, they weren't taking the edge off anymore and he was too scared to take larger doses. _She's gone and I'm not getting her back...I don't need her...I don't._

The next morning Spencer found a sweater Catherine must have left behind in her haste to pack. He sat down on the bed and just held it, it was a dark purple sweater with black buttons. _She wore it out to dinner...I spilled a drink on it and she teased about it for days. _He didn't even realize that he was crying.

I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every other part of my body is broken too. ~Missy Altijd

Notes-Yes I know...angst all over the place...give it time though it gets better. I promise!

Ep reference-Distress 


	19. Chapter one part eleven

Chapter one part eleven

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.~Edna St Vincent Millay

1997

_"Damn Catherine got cute while we were away," said Ethan nodding his head in Catherine's direction. Spencer and Ethan were home for the summer and Catherine's father was out of town for the weekend and this of course was why the party was going on at her house. It was a mix of people from the Deaf school and a few people from the hearing schools tied to them. Catherine was currently sipping what had to be her fourth drink since Spencer had shown up with Ethan. _

_ "Yeah," agreed Spencer sipping a beer that was still too warm._

_ "Go over there man, make your move," said Ethan. Spencer took another draw from the beer._

_ "She's just a friend" If this has been a chess game, Spencer would have been in check from the way Ethan grinned._

_ "Than she's fair gain." Ethan sat his drink down and headed over to Catherine. Spencer's grip tightened on his drink as Ethan proceeded to flirt with Catherine, he knew enough sign to get through a basic conversation and at this point Catherine was three sheets to the wind so it didn't matter what he was signing. Spencer was fuming by the time someone suggested a game of spin the bottle. _

_ "My turn," said Ethan and he looked over at Spencer before spinning. It was a lazy spin since Catherine was close to him. When it landed on her she was laughing so hard she was crying._

_ "I'm gonna rock your world," laughed Catherine._

_ "I bet you are," teased Ethan leaning over, he gave Spencer another look it was mocking him. I win, was all it said. Catherine was still giggling when the kiss started, but that soon stopped and Ethan started kissing her for real. The hoots and hollers started and Ethan started kissing her harder._

_ "I think we've had enough of that," called Spencer. Ethan broke the kiss lazily and Catherine looked shocked, like she forgot they were in a room full of people._

_ "That was awesome." muttered Catherine. Everyone started laughing again and the party went on like nothing had happened. Spencer spent the night sitting there and fuming watching Ethan make move after move on Catherine until the party ended. He watched Ethan give Catherine his number and another kiss before leaving. _

_ "What the hell was that?" demanded Spencer when they left. Ethan looked at him satisfied._

_ "I'm sorry...did I make out with your girl in front of you. That is in poor taste...oh no wait she's just a friend." Spencer should have known better, he knew how Ethan was with girls and yet he stood by and let him get in with Catherine. _

_ "You know I couldn't help but think how cute she was in that dress and how much better it would look tossed in the corner of my bedroom." Maybe it was the three cheap beers he had in his system of just the thought Ethan using Catherine like that made him snap. Spencer turned and grabbed Ethan by the collar._

_ "I swear to fucking god Ethan you touch her at all and I will find a way to make your life hell." _

_ "Damn...it was a joke Reid. I know not to cross the line with another guy's girl. Just chill." Spencer let him go and they started the walk back to Spencer's house._

_ "She's not my girl," said Spencer._

_ "Sure she isn't." _

The last place Spencer heard Ethan had headed was New Orleans and that was currently where the team was headed. An Un-sub had murdered three men pre Hurricane Katrina and a forth one a year an a half later. They didn't have much to go on since the storm had washed everything away from the prior cases and now they were looking over old newspaper articles on the plane. Spencer couldn't focus though, he hadn't thought about Ethan in years. That was until Catherine came back into his life, she had stayed friends with Ethan and they would on again off again send e-mails to each other. That was how Spencer found out where he had gone after quitting the FBI training program one day into it. Catherine had always found his friendship with Ethan odd at best.

_"You're frinemies," teased Catherine.  
>"Frinemies?" asked Spencer.<em>

_ "You act your friends, but you can't stand to see the other one win or you just really hate them secretly. That is how you two act all the time." _

"Hey Reid what's going on up there?' asked Morgan. Spencer had stopped skimming through the file and was clearly lost in thought.

"I was just thinking about this old friend of my from Las Vegas, Ethan. Pretty sure he lives in New Orleans now."

"You gonna give him a call?" asked Morgan.

"We grew up competing against each other in absolutely everything, spelling bees, science fairs and we both had our hearts set on joining the Bureau. But during our first day at Quantico he backed out."

"Maybe he just couldn't take the heat," teased Emily and she smiled at him. She clearly meant it has a joke and a complement on his behalf. However, he wasn't in the mood for Emily trying to get close to him. She just had this unnatural talent of rubbing him the wrong way.

"It's not for us to judge is it." _You didn't know him and you don't know me so stop trying._ Emily's smile vanished and she got serious. _At least she not a crier like Catherine._

"Your right...my bad." She went back to the case file and Morgan gave him a look that one gives a child who has acted up.

_What is going on with you, _thought Morgan. He had thought Reid was getting better after the New York case, but he had been a nightmare to work with two weeks ago in Texas and now he was just brooding and Emily seemed to be the one he lashed out at the most. Maybe because she was new and wasn't in all the way with the team yet, but it was no excuse for his behavior. _Wonder how Catherine puts up with him away from work,_ thought Morgan.

…...

Catherine sat Jillian down and closed the door to her classroom

"Do you know why I asked you to come meet with me?" asked Catherine. Jillian shifted in her seat and fiddled with her necklace.

"My grades are bad, I can't stay on the council if my grades are bad." She seemed not want to look Catherine in the eye. Catherine had delayed this meeting for too long, hoping for some sort of turn around and it wasn't happening. She called Jillian in right after classes had ended for the day.

"Jillian you are very good student and this is very troubling. I could call your mother, but I figured we could meet first to talk this over."

"I just...I wanted to quit for a long time and I guess I just I couldn't." Catherine frowned. This was a lie and it was a poor one at that. Jillian had campaigned hard to be the first girl vice president in over six years and now she just wanted out, letting her grades drop and cutting class was not the girl she had come to know. Than again Catherine was wondering if she really knew anybody in her life.

"Jill...you can tell me the truth. If you're having trouble with all the responsibility we can work something out. Or is it something else."

"I'm fine! I just wanna quit ok! It's none of your business!" snapped Jillian and she grabbed her bag and stormed out. _Not the first time I've heard that._ Catherine went to pick up her stuff and head home for the day when she saw Sasha Gentti, another junior standing in the doorway.

"Did you talk to Jillian?" she asked sadly.

"I tried and it didn't go well," admitted Catherine. Sasha looked down the hall and than walked into Catherine's classroom and shut the door. The girl seemed very sad and stressed out.

"Sasha is there something you want to tell me about Jillian?" Sasha looked down at the ground and than sat across from Catherine.

"You're supposed to help your friends right...even when they say everything is fine?" This girl was clearly carrying around something that was much to big for her to handle on her own.

"What did you promise?"

"You know Jill and I used to be best friends. Since like 1st grade and suddenly she can't be friends anymore because some asshole says we can't. Like I'm the bad person in their relationship," Sasha started crying and Catherine knew how hurt this girl was. _Try over a decade of friendship and almost a year as lovers than see how much it hurts when it's gone._ Catherine waited for her to stop crying before continuing their conversation.

"What asshole?" asked Catherine.

"Jill's new college boyfriend...Brandon something. He was supposed to be Jill's math tutor of all things and than they start dating behind Jill's mom back. Than he's texting her all the time, needing to know where she is all the time, than she can't hang out with the guys from class, than she can't hang out with any of the girls after school, and than she can't hang out with me. He got pissed off one time Jill was late meeting up with him, he twisted her arm...you know those Indian Burn things the boys would give each other. I tried talking to her, but she won't listen to me and I know my parents would just freak out that I didn't try to stop it sooner..." Catherine cut her off and she felt her blood start to boil.

"Sasha listen to me. This is not your fault and it's not Jillian's fault either. You did the right thing by coming to me. Do you have Brandon's last name?"

"No...he's on campus though. He's learning ASL here for his degree and he tutors for money on the side. You won't tell Jill I told you though...she's so mad at me these days and I just...I just want my friend back." Sasha started crying again and Catherine felt herself tear up, she knew how badly losing someone you cared about to a downward spiral that you couldn't fight was like.

"Sasha it's going to be ok. I'm going to take care of this. Did they start dating before Jill's sixteenth birthday?"

"Jill turned sixteen last month and they've been seeing each other since last summer."

"Do you know if they've been sexual active?" Sasha looked down and around the room, anywhere but at Catherine. "Sasha this is very important I need to know if they slept together before last month?"

"Jill would sometimes meet at his place and stay the night...she would tell her mom she was with me."

"How old is Brandon?" asked Catherine.

"Twenty one." Catherine's blood was beyond boiling at this point, _that son of bitch has been abusing my student and sleeping with her...age of consent is 16, but if they were having sex before than it's statutory rape pure and simple. _She had been unable to help Spencer from his downward spiral and she wasn't going to let another one happen right in front of her without a fight.

…...

They kept making him work with Emily like it was going to make him like her suddenly. Spencer walked beside Emily at the morgue, but said nothing. The others had gone to the latest crime scene and that left him with Emily. Spencer couldn't figure out why he disliked her so much, she hadn't been rude or nasty to him. If anything she had gone out of her to be nice to him.

_It's because she called you on your shit and lord help anybody who calls you on your shit._ Catherine hadn't spoken to him in two weeks and the ache was there, dulled by drugs but still there. He would find himself reaching for his phone to text her or see if he missed one and there was nothing there. Spencer would come home at night to an empty apartment and just want to scream. _She always leaves me with nothing...always with nothing but this feeling of empty._ But really wasn't it his fault she left every time and what did he leave her with when everything was over?

The coroner here was a large, balding, older white male with a strong southern twang and he met them outside the exam room.

"I'm Dr. Shawl and I was just about to finish up the poor bastard, this way." He took them into a room where they could scrub up and than into the exam room. The lone body sat on the table with the sheet pulled over him. Dr. Shawl pulled the sheet back down the the mid chest area, the victim was a white male in his 30's and smelled like death and cheap beer.

"Four layers of fatty tissue cut through like butter and I've only seen that three other times."

"You worked those cases?" asked Spencer.

"You don't forget victims like this," said Shawl. _After awhile they start to blend together in your head, young, old, black, white, male and female all that stays the same is that they're dead,_ thought Spencer.

"This guy reeks of booze," said Emily.

"This is New Orleans honey, it's a smell you get used to dead or alive." Spencer started walking around the body.

" This was most likely a blitz attack. No defensive wounds; no hesitation marks. Quick rapid thrust, these cuts are methodical, almost procedural," Spencer rattled off in an almost bored manner.

"My guess was whoever gutted this guy was taught too," said Shawl.

"You think he had medical training?" asked Emily.

"How else could they carve around every organ and leave each one intact?" asked Shawl. Spencer was starting to get a headache from the smell and the withdrawal and wanted out of this room.

"Have any of his relatives come to claim the body?" asked Emily and Shawl shook his head sadly.

"No I'll end up boxing up the poor bastard's ashes and he'll be left to collect dust in storage. Honestly all the bodies I've been through in the last year an half it's a wonder I have room left." Emily looked over at Spencer and he was rocking back and forth on his heels like he was bored. _What the hell is wrong with you? _Spencer had been the nicest one to her when she first started and now it was like being in the same room with her made him wanna take her head off and she couldn't figure out what she had done to bring this on. _I'm I the only one seeing this change in him?_

…...

Spencer and Emily head back police headquarters's without speaking and Emily has happy to see Hotch was there looking over the latest letter from the Un-sub on a projector.

"Yeah." Hotch started reading the letter out loud. "I'm back with a vengeance. I wanted you to know. That last guy made it easy, being out so late, stumbling home drunk. I enjoyed slicing around his organs, thought about sending you one. He was asking to be ripped. Don't you think Boss? Yours Truly."

Spencer felt the wheels turning in his head. _They're denying blame in the kills, it's the victims at fault._

"To say that the victims were asking to be killed denies all culpability and most sexual sadist rational their own behavior by blaming the victims like this."

"But there was no evidence of sexual assault in the autopsy," countered Emily. "He could be a homosexual male. Stabbing because he needs violence for arousal."

"And with every kill he's acting out a fantasy of revenge," said Hotch. _Wait...male victims...these letters...if they were female I would say..._

"Maybe he's acting out something else," said Spencer.

"What?" asked Hotch.

"With the exception of the victims being man, it's the same MO."

"What are you talking about it?" asked Emily.

"All four victims were found with their throats slash and eviscerated. Their murders taking place in semi public places after dark, investigators taunted with letters addressed as Boss. The only difference was that case was a hundred years ago and the murders took place in London."

"Jack the Ripper," said Emily shocked.

"And the Un-Sub wants us to think he's the modern day version," said Hotch."

"The victims were prostitutes for the Ripper since they were easy to kill, but in this case an inebriated male walking alone would be the same sort of target, easy to kill," said Spencer.

"We'll regroup in the morning and work this angle with the everyone else," said Hotch.

…...

Spencer had saved Ethan's phone number forever ago in his phone and called him. It rang three times before a woman picked it up.

"I'm sorry I must have the wrong number. I'm looking for Ethan Wright," said Spencer.

"Hold on, he hasn't left yet. Can I ask who this is."

"Spencer Reid." He heard the phone being put down and the woman start hollering for Ethan.

"Damn woman keep your panties on, I'm a comin'" The phone picked back up. "Spencer Reid...I'll be damned. What's up."

"Not much. I'm working a case here in town and thought I see if you were still living here."

"Where else would I be...listen I have run, I'm playing a gig at The Blue Lady, but I can meet up with you tomorrow if you want. Get a drink and catch up?"

"Sounds good." They made arrangements to meet near the club tomorrow around six and Ethan hung up. Spencer laid their on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, after awhile all hotel beds were all the same mattress so he didn't care that this one was rock hard. _She told me not to call her...she wants me to leave her alone...I miss you..._Spencer felt numb. _Take a hit...it makes it better. _

"Not for this...not for this."

…...

The meeting took place the next day and it was between Catherine, Jillian and her mother Elisa, and Mark Fry, a therapist and mediator on campus. Mark started the meeting talking with Jillian.

"Jillian we want you to know that none of this is your fault and anything you want to tell us we'll understand and we won't be upset with you."

"I don't know what you're going on about," signed Jillian glaring at Catherine. _Sweetie my former boyfriend called me a walking sex dream so glare away._

"Ms. Bonds, we're here to discuss Jillian's recent and serious decline in grades and attitude," signed Catherine.

"What?" asked Elisa looking surprised at her daughter.

"It's just a couple of failed tests I can take summer school," countered Jillian.

"It's more than just the failed classes," signed Mark and he pulled out Jillian's attendance record. "You've been cutting class or just not showing up." Elisa looked at her daughter like she was seeing her for the first time and Jillian was looking like a cornered animal, ready to either fight or flee.

"You've quit Junior council, you're not participating in class activities and the other kids that I've talked to have some serious concerns for you," signed Catherine.

"Did Sasha say something to you..."

"It doesn't matter who said it to me, it matters that it was said," signed Catherine and she looked to Mark to take over.

"Ms. Bonds...we have some concerns about a relationship your daughter is having with an older boy, Brandon." Elisa glared at her.

"Brandon! The boy I pay to tutor you in math!"

"We're just friends." Catherine noticed that despite the warmer weather Jillian was wearing long sleeves and she was tugging at them.

"Jillian, roll up your sleeves," signed Catherine. _He twisted her arm._

"What?" asked Jillian. She was clearly getting ready to fight.

"Please roll up your sleeves." Jillian looked at her mother and Elisa looked at her daughter fighting tears.

"Do it now young lady." Jillian bit her lip and rolled up both her sleeves and Elisa teared up, both of her arms were a series of bruises, some older than others, a series of purple and yellow on her arms.

"It's not what you think," signed Jillian fighting her own tears.

"Than what it is?" asked Catherine sadly.

"He just...he doesn't mean it...he just gets mad you know..."

"Oh my god," said Elisa crying. "How long as this been going on Jill?" Jillian looked ashamed and Mark handed Jillian and her mother a tissue.

"I don't know...before Christmas," she admitted. Catherine looked to Mark to drop the next hammer.

"We also have reason to suspect that Brandon and Jillian were sexually involved and it that's the case she was underage until a month ago and we have to report it along with the physical abuse. However it's up to you to press charges."

"You mean to tell me this bastard raped my baby!" signed Elisa full of rage.

"I said yes," said Jillian trying not to cry.

"Jillian you were not of the age to consent to sex until last month and Brandon is over twenty one. It's legally rape," signed Catherine.

"But I wanted to!" countered Jillian. "I love him."

"This is not what love looks like Jill!"signed Elisa crying.

"Jillian, Brandon is hurting you and you don't hurt the ones you love," said Mark. Jillian started crying and Catherine reached over and took her hand.

"I know what it's like to be so in love with someone that you would do anything and everything they wanted you to do. You love them with everything you have, but honey...somewhere deep down

there is something in them that won't let them love you back. Not the way you should be loved and sometimes...you just have to walk away and it hurts so much that you wish you could take your heart out so it would stop hurting just for a second." Mark and Elisa were giving her looks and Catherine didn't care. Jillian wiped her eyes.

"You got hit?

"Words hurt just as much...sometimes more." Jillian wiped her eyes again.

"He's going to be so mad at me."

"We're going to take these complaints to the college and have him banned from campus. We'll need Jillian to file a police report and for you to press charges against him," signed Mark.

"Not a problem," signed Elisa, she had stopped crying and looked determined to help her daughter.

"It might be best for the both of you to leave town for a few days," suggest Mark. "Just in case Brandon tries to get in touch with you."

"Give me your cell...I love you but right now I'm having trust issues and I don't trust you to not

contact that boy." Jillian handed over cell without a fight. Elisa looked at Catherine and shook her head.

"I should have seen it," Elisa looked at Jillian and hugged her. "I'm sorry I didn't see it." _We never see it until it's far to late, _thought Catherine.

…...

The Blue Lady was a jazz club near the French Quarter, it had once been a brothel in the early 1900's, than a hotel and soon a section of the hotel was turned into a speakeasy and jazz club and after Prohibition ended the jazz club still remained. Ethan hadn't changed that much physically from the last time Spencer had seen him. He was still skinny and tall, he had let his brown hair go shaggy and he was growing a beard. All in all he had the starving jazz artist look down to a tee. Catherine used to joke that maybe they were separated at birth due the few physical traits they had in common and the fact they they were both to smart for their own good.

Ethan ordered a Scotch neat and Spencer ordered a brandy and the small talk they made on the way to club had died out while waiting for their drinks. Spencer's cell went off and for a nano second he wished it was Catherine. It was Emily and Spencer ignored the call.

"So are you going to ask the question?" mocked Ethan.

"What question?" Ethan laughed.

"Come on it's me here. We haven't talked to each other in years and I know that's why you called. So come on ask the question."

"Why did you quit after one day of FBI training?" Spencer was shocked when he went to class the second day and heard a group of cadets talking that someone had already quit and that somebody was Ethan. Ethan had wanted this and he wanted it badly, even more than Spencer had. When Ethan really wanted something and he actually applied himself he was an unstoppable force to be dealt with. He hadn't even told Spencer he was going, he just dropped off the face of the earth until Catherine told him where Ethan was.

The bartender brought them their drinks and Ethan took a sip and smirked.

"I'm sure you've considered the evidence, analyzed the signs...what's your theory?" asked Ethan.

Spencer had thought about it, he and Ethan had been children from Vegas who had little to no adult supervision. If it hadn't been for Catherine's father keeping an eye on him when Diana was mentally gone, plus caring for his mother was a full time job he might have gone into partying with Ethan. Ethan on the hand had no one looking out for him or the responsibility of caring for a parent so he partied and he gave into any and all temptations tossed his way be it girls, drugs or booze. Ethan's parents didn't care as long as Ethan passed his classes and managed to not knock up of the girls he was sleeping with. Spencer could only imagine how pissed off they must be right now that their only son was a jazz musician in the South.

"You were battling your own demons and you didn't have time to analyze someone elses," said Spencer. Ethan took a sip of his drink.

"Not bad...not bad...I did prefer Jack Daniels to Jeff Dahmer. They both weight on your soul eventually." Spencer's phone went off again and it was Emily, he ignored it again and Ethan chuckled.

"The Bat Phone!" Even Spencer had to chuckle at that one, but he couldn't help but think...they could be working together and yet Ethan walked away from it all.

"Let me ask you this Ethan...do you regret it?" Ethan took another sip of his drink and he looked like a man who had no regrets and Spencer sort of hated him for it. His own life right now was a series of professional and personal failures that he wanted to forget and it was costing him.

"You know I may not be changing the world, but my music makes me happy and it doesn't take a profiler to see that your not." Spencer paid for his drink and they went to go sit in the lounge area of the club.

" It's not easy. You wouldn't believe some of the things that I've seen." _Or that I've done..._

"John Coltrane. He was a genius too. He died of cancer, but most people think it was booze and heroin that did him in."

"What are you trying to stay?" asked Spencer.

"You look like hell," said Ethan simply.

"I'm fine," lied Spencer. He wasn't sleeping, he was hardly eating, the drugs weren't giving him the numb state he needed, he wanted to be alone and he had managed to push the person who loved him right out the door and yet he would give anything to have her in the same room right now.

"Come on man. I'm a jazz musician in New Orleans and I know what it looks like when someone's not well. You know this might be the one time I can tell you something you don't already know. It might help you forget, but it won't make it go away. And it I can..." Ethan leaned forward and looked Spencer in the eyes. "You work with some of the best minds in the world and you think they don't notice...well for a genius that's just dumb." Spencer's phone rang again and he ignored it.

"So tell me...how's Catherine. She was the only one who knew I was here."

"She's fine," lied Spencer. Ethan looked at him again and shook his head.

"You let her get away again didn't you?" Spencer didn't answer and Ethan just scoffed. "You have no clue how much that girl loves you and the fact that you keep pissing it away just blows my mind."

"She just couldn't handle the job."

"Couldn't handle the job or your bullshit...or are the two interchangeable at this point in time?"

"Maybe it's for the best that we're not together," said Spencer. His phone went off again and this time he shut it off. _I don't care anymore...I don't_

"This is coming the guy I had to drive home from the bar when he found out she had eloped with boyfriend. You were wasted by three o'clock on a Thursday afternoon and crying like a bitch so don't tell me you don't care that she's gone."

"I'm not good for her," admitted Spencer.

"The way you are right now, no. You are not good for anybody. I wouldn't let you be near my dog in your state. She found out didn't she?"

"Yeah," Spencer pounded his drink.

"She confronted you and instead of admitting you might need help, you lashed out and you went right for the jugular vein didn't you."

"She hasn't spoken to me in two weeks. She told me that even when I come down to stay away," said Spencer.

"You really went for the kill didn't you? Wow you are an idiot." Ethan finished his drink and studied Spencer. "Don't walk away from her this time."

"What?"

"You...you never try for her man. You give her up way to easy and you don't fight for her. You want her back, it's going to be hard and she's going to be angry and resentfully and she's going to fight you every step of the way. She's worth it though...trust me the harder it is the more it's worth."

"She's worth it...she's always been worth it."

…...

"Ok...since Jillian is taking a leave for awhile, we're going to need to place one of the alternate officers in place," signed Brice. Catherine took notes, but her mind was miles away. She had spoken to Mike today and Jillian had left school and she and her mother were going to stay in Virginia with Elisa's sister. Mike had taken all the complaints to the college and it was going to take some time to have Brandon removed and banned from campus., but at least Jill was safe.

Stephanie was giving her report about upcoming class projects when the door burst open. A tall white guy, a little younger than Catherine with blond hair and green eyes came bounding in.

"Where's Jill?" he demanded. Stephanie looked fearful as did Lisa. Brice and Jeffery looked pissed. _So your Brandon._

"That is none of your business sir and I'm going to ask you to leave now," ordered Catherine standing up. Catherine would have to stand on a chair to look this guy in the eyes, but right now she didn't care.

"It is too my business, she's accusing me of rape and I wanna see her now." Catherine walked right up too him.

"You are in my classroom threatening my students and I'm giving you ten seconds to leave this building before I call campus patrol." signed Catherine glaring up at Brandon. He looked down at her with such loathing she almost looked away. _I'm not some child you can bully._ He slammed out the classroom and Catherine told Brice to get campus patrol and he ran down the hall.

"Told Jill he was no good," signed Lisa.

"Hey...this is not her fault ok. And when she comes back I won't have her blamed for any of this alright." The kids agreed and when campus patrol came they walked all of them out of the building and into their parents cars. They even insisted she be walked to her car.

"Really?" she asked.

"Better safe than sorry." Catherine got in her car and headed home. _Why is doing the right thing always such a pain in the ass?_

…...

It had been a long couple of days, but the case was closed, a life had been saved, but justice couldn't be given to Sarah Danlin and they were supposed to head home later on this evening. Spencer was back at the Blue Lady listening to Ethan play and he looked calm and relaxed. He saw Catherine with that look on her face when she taught and he wondered if that was the look he had on his face while solving a case.

After leaving the club he had listened to Emily's voice mails, Garcia had found a case like the ones here, but in Texas and she and Morgan were heading there to talk to the fiancee of the victim. He missed the flight and the flight had led to a huge break in the case, their killer was a woman. Spencer could tell that Emily and Morgan were both upset with him for missing the plane and he was upset with himself. But, he just needed five minutes to himself was that too much to ask. He needed to see if stepping away like Ethan had done would make him happy even for a minute.

It didn't...the job, despite everything it did to him he couldn't step away from it and he couldn't step away from Catherine. He had to miss a plane and be overly hateful to the person he loved to see it, but he couldn't be without them. He threw the drugs out this morning and was waiting for the withdrawal to come down. He could feel a numb pounding in his head and he knew it was going to get worse before it got better. _This is karma...for all the hurt I've caused Catherine...for the stress I've caused my team mates. I'll go through this and than I'm going to try to make it up to them. _He didn't know which would be harder to make right. He had let his team down, his disrespect of Emily uncalled for and he could have put lives at risk. Catherine had reached out to help him and instead he shoved her away, locked the door and put so many hurtful emotional blocks between he didn't know how to start taking them down. _It's going to be hard...but it's worth it..._Gideon sat down next to him and somehow Spencer knew that Gideon knew and the shame just piled on.

"How did you find me?" asked Spencer.

"You're not that hard to profile. You're friend is very good." Ethan looked over at Gideon and Spencer and gave a little nod and kept playing. _It's not going to be easy._

"I missed the plane on purpose," admitted Spencer.

"I know," said Gideon. Of course he knew, but Spencer had to say it...the truth had to said or else it wasn't true.

"I'm struggling." Spencer couldn't put everything he had be going through into words yet this summed it up though. He had made the struggle harder by trying to do it alone.

"Well...anybody who's been what you've been through recently would," said Gideon. _But...I hurt so many people along the way,_ _yet I don't no what else I would do, _thought Spencer.

"This is all I've been groomed for and I've never considered another option."

"Now you're questioning if your strong enough to here," said Gideon.

"Yeah." _I don't know if I am..._

"I have been playing at this job, in one way or another, for almost 30 years. I've felt lost; I've felt great. I have felt scared... sick... insane. I don't know. I guess the day this job stops gnawing at your soul and your hands, your hands stop feeling cold, maybe that's the time to leave." Spencer had been trying so hard to numb those feeling both on the job and away from it that he forgot the soul crushing feeling, but he had also forgotten how it felt to save someone. It was another thing he was going to have to rebuild.

"I guess...I just needed to figure out it I could step away from this job."

"And?"

"I'll never miss another plane again." They both turned back to listen to Ethan play. "Catherine told you didn't she."

"She still really cares about you. You're lucky...guys like us don't get the girl."

…...

Catherine sipped her wine and read the letter again, she had been accpected into the progam going to Japan. It was sort of bitter sweet for her, she really hadn't wanted to go until Spencer pushed her to apply. Now she couldn't wait to go. She wouldn't leave until May, still two months away but close enough to taste it. She finished her wine and poured another glass. She wanted to call her dad to let him know she got in, but it would lead to them talking about Spencer and in her two wine glass state it would only lead to her telling him about the crash and burn of their relationship. She poured her third glass and forced herswself not to cry. Crying and drinking seemed to be her major activities these pass two weeks when she came home.

She wanted to stop caring about him, she give anything for switch that would turn off those feelings. Catherine sipped this glass and was considering hiding her cell phone so she wouldn't do any drunk texting. She cared about him, but going back wasn't happening. Catherine didn't care if it was the drugs or not, he had shown her a level of cruelty she didn't know he possessed until that night. Has she even known him at all.

Her phone buzzed and she picked it up, it was a text from Garcia. Catherine felt a tinge of guilt she hadn't spoke to Garcia in a few weeks, she figured once the relationship with Spencer ended, all friendships coming from that ended too. At least that had been the case when her marriage ended. Paul's friends took his side and her friends took her side even though there was no side to take.

_Hey pretty lady, haven't seen you in awhile. It's Friday and the work is done, heading your way for girl time!_ Catherine bit her lip, maybe Garcia didn't know about her and Spencer coming to an end...

_Thanks...but I was just going to stay tonight. Long week._ Catherine had barely sat her phone down when it buzzed again.

_Nice try...I'm halfway to you already._ No clearly meant nothing to her and Catherine sorted of grinned. She took another stip from her glass when the doorbell light went off, she must have been closer than she thought. Catherine sat her glass down and went to open the door.

…...

"It's just a number," protested JJ on the plane ride home and Emily laughed. She had given the head detective on the case her FBI number and her direct home number.

"The accent...it's always the accent," teased Emily.

"Why the accent?" asked Spencer.

"Because it's...it's fun," said JJ.

"A woman will drop everything for a man with an accent," said Morgan.

"You know this," said Emily.

"I was dropped for a British accent," confessed Morgan sitting his cards down. Spencer grinned and drew two more cards. He had missed this part of the ride home, the randomness of it, the fun of being apart of the team. Emily and Morgan were still guarded around him and he knew it would take time to get them to trust him again, but it would be worth it.

"I would drop you for a British accent," laughed JJ.

"Oh sure you would," said Morgan and his phone chimed. "Hey mama we're almost home...whoa...whoa...baby girl slow down." Morgan's face grew serious and in the quite of the plane they could sort of hear Garcia on the other end.

"She was just...there and..."

"Where are they taking her?" Morgan grabbed a pen and started writing on napkin. "Ok...honey just stay with her and we'll meet you there." Morgan hung up the phone and he looked over at Spencer.

"What?" asked Spencer.

"Garcia went over to hang out with Catherine and...when she got there...someone broke into Catherine's place." Spencer could hardly hear over the rushing in his head. "Garcia is going with her."

"Spence," said JJ her own face white from hearing this news of the attack on Catherine. Spencer got up and headed to the bathroom. They all heard him screaming and crying in the stall though.

"How bad is she?" asked Emily.

"Garcia couldn't stop crying to tell me how bad," said Morgan.

"JJ, call your District contact and see if we can get an invitation to assist on this case," said Hotch.

"You think this has something to do with Spencer?" asked Emily.

"I'm not taking chances," said Hotch. Gideon got up and knocked on the stall.

"Reid..."

"No...no not her...please not her," was all Gideon could get out of the young agent.


	20. Chapter one part twelve

Before we can forgive one another, we have to understand one another - Emma Goldman

Chapter one part twelve

Catherine was aware of all the movement around her, but every time she tried to open her eyes it hurt. _I can't open my eyes...can't see...oh god am I blind. _She felt someone taking her hand and squeeze. She felt two other pairs of hands under her and being moved onto a different flat surface, the other hand didn't let her go of hers.

"I can't see...I can't see," she muttered. The hand holding hers got tighter and she felt herself being moved down the stairs. She felt the wind on her skin when they heading outside and than the movement of a vehicle, she felt every bump during the drive. The hand holding hers didn't let go and Catherine could feel a ring on that hand. Catherine felt gloved hands touching her face and her torso, it felt like everything hurt.

"It hurts," she muttered she tried to open her eyes again and found the effort still painful. She felt someone brushing her hair back and it was the same person holding her hand.

"Why can't I see," she started crying. It wasn't fair; she had learned to live with being Deaf she didn't think she could handle being Blind too, being in a world that was totally dark and silent. The hand held hers got tighter and she felt the hand shaking in hers.

The movement of the vehicle stopped and she felt herself being moved again. The person holding her hand moved along with her and she felt herself being wheeled around on a bed. Catherine felt the hand holding hers slip away and than nothing.

"No...wait...come back...come back. I can't see...come back," Catherine couldn't stop crying she was beyond terrified. Everything just hurt and she wanted to see who had been with her. She felt a needle slide into her arm and than she felt so tired. _What happened...I opened the door...it wasn't Garcia..._

…_..._

Garcia wiped her eyes as they took Catherine into a private exam room and they made her stay out in the waiting room and she heard Catherine crying for her to come back. She sounded so scared and desperate. Garcia hardly recognized the young woman who was laying on the gurney, her face was swollen and bruised so badly she could hardly open her eyes. It was the reason Catherine couldn't see, the EMT's had told her once the swelling went down her sight should be ok. They weren't sure though, the doctors would have to check. _My poor girl. _

…_..._

_Please god...let her be ok...please...please. It's not fair, if this is a punishment than punish me I deserve it,_ thought Spencer sitting in the car that Derek was driving. JJ had managed to get an invitation from the DC police and she was going with Hotch and Gideon to the scene. Emily sat in the backseat looking out the window, her face filled with worry.

"Reid..." started Morgan.

"Just drive Morgan." Morgan looked over at Reid and his face was just frozen in a mix of sadness and rage.

"I know what you're thinking kid..." Spencer cut him.

"You have no idea what I'm thinking."

"You're thinking if you get your hands on this guy you're going to kill him and I don't blame you one bit kid trust me. But, getting yourself arrested will not do her any good."

"They would have to prove it first," said Spencer. Morgan drove faster and Spencer dug his nails into his hands, Morgan was right he wanted this guy's head on platter. _Let her be ok...please. _Morgan pulled up to entrance and before he could say another word Spencer was out of the car.

"Watch him." said Morgan. Emily nodded and followed Spencer into the hospital.

"Guys," called a voice and Emily looked over to see Garcia standing by the lobby and Emily noticed a red smudge on the hem of Garcia's dress. _God how bad was she attacked, _thought Emily.

"Where is she?" asked Spencer running up to Garcia.

"They took her in the back an hour ago and I haven't heard anything yet," said Garcia biting her lip. Spencer walked passed her and up to the nurse's desk, Emily walked up to her.

"How bad was she?" asked Emily quietly.

"Bad...her face is so swollen she can't open her eyes, I think her nose was broken...they think she might have some broken ribs...um...um..." Garcia pulled Emily off to the side and made she made sure Spencer was talking with a nurse. "They noticed some bruising on her inner thigh...they're not sure if she was kicked or...or..." Emily just hugged her and she couldn't help but think Spencer was right they would have to prove it first and she would help him.

…...

"I'm looking for a Catherine Dueringer," said Spencer to the nurse at the front desk. She looked through her file and than back to Spencer.

"She's still being examined by the doctors sir. If you could take a seat I'll have the doctor speak with you when they're finished."

"Is she alright?" asked Spencer.

"She's still being examined..."

"Is she alright!" Spencer was fighting a losing battle trying to keep calm. He just wanted some answers. _How bad was she hurt..._

"I can't tell you right now sir..."

"Than who can!" snapped Spencer. Garcia and Emily came over to him. Emily started apologizing to the nurse and he saw her badge come out, she was clearly using her badge to explain what was going on and why he was freaking out. Garcia pulled him over to the lobby and sat him down.

"I just wanna know if she's ok...why is that so damn hard?" snapped Spencer.

"They just wanna make sure she's ok baby. Better safe than sorry right," said Garcia.

"I just want her...I need her to be ok..."

"I know." Garcia took his hand and held it. Spencer sat there just shaking and he wanted to scream. _I told her I didn't love her...she thinks I don't love her and nothing could be further from the truth. _Emily came back up to them.

"The doctors are finishing up their exam. The police already got what they could for now, but they plan on coming back to question Catherine when she's up for it," Emily sat down next to them.

"Thank you," said Spencer. Emily looked at him surprised.

"No thanks necessary."

…...

"If she was expecting Garcia it could be why she opened the door without checking," said Hotch studying the living room. JJ was talking to the officers outside the apartment.

"It was a blitz attack," said Gideon studying the damage in the room. The over turned coffee table, the broken glass and the blood on the floor.

"She opens the door and our Un-sub overpowers her and attacks quickly," said Hotch. "Catherine is small in size, it wouldn't take much to overpower her...but this room and the attack indicate rage and overkill."

"Rage and overkill indicate a personal relationship," said Gideon.

"This might not have anything to do with Reid," said Hotch.

"Than why attack a high school French teacher?" asked Gideon. Hotch thought about it.

"Upset student...parent...stalker. Someone she rejected romantically, someone she reported for abuse, someone she failed. It could even just be a random act of violence," said Hotch.

"Nothing appears to be missing which rules out robbery," said Gideon.

"Do they know if she was sexually assaulted?" asked Hotch.

"The doctors haven't called it in yet," said Gideon. "I'm worried about how Reid is going to take this."

"Do you think this is going to make his problem worse?" asked Hotch making sure the police were still outside. After Gideon had met with Catherine, they had a meeting about Spencer and they agreed to watch out for him, but reporting him was not an option. It would cost him everything and it already seemed like he had lost too much.

"We talked before we got on the plane and he admitted he was having trouble, but he seemed committed to making up for his mistakes," said Gideon. "But still...if she doesn't pull through...I don't think the job alone would keep him going."

…...

"Dueringer?" called a female voice. Spencer looked up to see a doctor in her late 40's come out to the lobby. Spencer shot out of his chair like a rocket.

"Yes."

"I'm Dr. Weiss. Let's sit down over here," she pulled him over to another row of chairs and made him sit down.

"Is she ok?" asked Spencer once they were seated. _Please...just give me this one thing. _Garcia, Emily and Morgan sat down next to him and he barely realized it.

"She has lots of facial bruising and a few cuts, but I think once the swelling goes down and the bruising fades she should be fine. I don't think she'll need any facial reconstructive surgery." _Reconstructive surgery, god how bad is she,_ thought Spencer.

"She has two broken ribs on her left side and bruising on her inner thighs from being kicked. We ran a SAFE kit and we didn't find any trauma, bruising or semen so she wasn't sexually assaulted."

"You ran a rape kit," muttered Spencer. The thought that someone, anyone would hurt her like that just made him numb. He had studied all the aspects of rape for his job; the act and the aftermath, the statistics of the crime, and how it was never about sex but power. Still it was the thought of her being hurt like that made him cold.

"It had to be done...you know that." Someone must have told her that he was FBI.

"Of course," agreed Spencer quietly.

"She's resting right now and we gave her something for the pain. We would like to keep her here a few days for observation. To make sure the swelling goes down and her vision isn't impaired."

"Can I see her, please?" asked Spencer.

"She's in recovery right now but, I don't see any reason why you can't be with her. Down the hall and to your left, room 126."

"Thank you."

"I'll call Hotch and Gideon," said Morgan walking away.

"Do you want us to go back there with you?" asked Garcia.

"I just...I need to go back there alone for a minute, please."

"If you need us we'll be out here," said Emily. Spencer nodded and walked down the hall alone. _Just put one foot in front of the other._ He found Catherine's room with the door shut and found his hand shaking on the knob. _Just go in there._ He opened the door and braced himself the worst.

He almost didn't recognize her. Her face was just a series of bruises: black, blue and purple just overlapping. Spencer shut the door behind him and walked over to the bed. _Oh my god. _He sat down next to her, took her hand and intertwined his fingers with hers.

"I know that you can't hear me and that you told me you didn't wanna see me ever again, but I...I needed to be here with you. I couldn't stand the thought of you being alone and hurt and scared." Spencer reached up and brushed hair away from her face. _Empathy...Catherine couldn't stand the thought of me being alone, hurt and scared. She worried about me. I know what she went through, how much pain she was in, how hurt she was and now I know what she went through with me...use it to become a better person._

"I'm not leaving here until I know you're okay. I can't...Catherine I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt you and that someone hurt you like this. I am so sorry."

Spencer itched his arm and felt everything in his body ache. He noticed that Catherine was hooked up to two different IV's, one was a saline drip and the other one was clearly pain killers. He almost envied her drugged up state. Withdrawal was kicking in and he could feel the desire for just another hit coming in waves. _No...no...not now._ He focused his attention on Catherine and laid his head near hers.

"I need you to be ok. I lied to you...when I said I didn't love you. I honestly can't remember a time when I wasn't in love with you." He kissed her forehead. "I'm going to be here when you wake up and I'm going to stay here with you...I'm not leaving you this time." Spencer squeezed her hand and felt exhaustion kick in and he drifted off to sleep.

…... Catherine felt someone touching her hair, but she was so tired she couldn't talk. She felt a hand in hers and knew it was Spencer. After being with him for a year she knew what his hand felt like. _What the hell is he doing here...Garcia must have called him. _Catherine felt his hand squeeze hers, his breath near her ear and his lips on her forehead. _Why are you here...I don't understand...you don't love me...just go away please..._

Catherine forced herself to open one of her eyes and it was so damn painful she was wanted to cry. She turned her head and bit back a whimper, Spencer was asleep in the chair next to her, his hand holding hers tightly. _Why are you here? _Catherine whimpered and felt the morphine take over again.

…...

"Ok...yeah...I'll tell her." Morgan hung up the phone and looked at Garcia and Emily.

"What did Hotch say?" asked Emily.

"They're tying to get a hold of someone at the school to see if Catherine had filed any complaints against anyone. But it would be faster though if they had you looking baby girl," said Morgan.

"Do I have to go back to that apartment?' asked Garcia. "I can't go back there...you didn't see her just lying there..." Garcia teared up again and Morgan took her hand.

"Listen baby girl you won't be going there alone. I'm coming with you. Emily would you mind staying here with Reid and Catherine?"

"I'll stay with them," said Emily.  
>"Ok...ok...this is for Reid and Catherine...for them and to get that asshole who did this to her." said Garcia.<p>

"Alright let's do this," said Morgan and Emily watched the two of them head out. Emily than went back down the hall and stood by the door and she heard Spencer talking to Catherine.

I'm not leaving here until I know you're okay. I can't...Catherine I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt you and that someone hurt you like this. I am so sorry."

Emily bit her lip, she knew that Spencer had been having issues since coming back from Georgia and when she asked Gideon about it he seemed annoyed by her questioning. Emily thought he was a nightmare at work, it never crossed her mind about what he could be like away from the job. Than again considering what a nightmare her own mother had been whan she was away from work maybe it wasn't too much of stretch.

"I need you to be ok. I lied to you...when I said I didn't love you. I honestly can't remember a time when I wasn't in love with you. I'm going to be here when you wake up and I'm going to stay here with you...I'm not leaving you this time." _He must be even worse at home...god he sounds so sad. It's not in his nature to be mean and yet after what he went through. She must have seen something before anyone else did and I thought he lashed out at me._ Emily grabbed a chair from an empty room and sat outside in the hallway.

_Let them be alone...they need it._

…...

"Hey," said Morgan coming into the apartment and he took in the mess and understood why his girl didn't want to come back. "Damn." The living room was clearly where the attack had taken place and he could see where Catherine had fallen from the blood stains.

"See what I mean," said Garcia coming back in and wiping her eyes.

"Yeah I see." Hotch and Gideon came out of the back bedroom area holding Catherine's laptop and cell phone.

"JJ went to talk with some people at the school, but this would be much faster," said Hotch handing her the computer. Garcia went into the kitchen, she couldn't be in the living room thinking of how her friend had been attacked there.

The laptop booted up and Garcia worked her way around Catherine's passwords and she made a mental note to tell Catherine to get a better program for her security and she got into her e-mails both personal and ones related to her job. She started with the work ones and noticed that several had been marked as 'High Importance' and they had been sent earlier this week.

"Guys...think I have something. Earlier this week Catherine had several meetings with a counselor named Mark Fry and some higher ups at the high school and the college on campus about a student at the college named Brandon Rosene. She and Mark wanted him banned from campus and removed from the school and all it's programs...oh this guy..." muttered Garcia.

"What is it?" asked Hotch

"Catherine's complaint was that Brandon had been physically abusing one of her students and that he had sex with before she reached the age of consent and she felt that he was a threat to all female students on campus and she wanted him banned and she wanted it like yesterday she is clearly pissed off," Garcia read one of the e-mails out loud.

"I feel that Mr. Rosene is a threat, not only to our students , but to the community here on campus and the values we uphold. I feel that he should be removed from all our teaching and graduate programs immediately for the safety of every student on campus."

"She was pissed," said Morgan.

"Well she has e-copies of the police reports from the student's mother attached in these e-mails," Garcia opened up one of the files and she cringed seeing the marks on this girl.

"Catherine was trying to ruin his life and he was going to ruin hers," said Gideon.

"He could have been following her- from the campus to here," said Morgan.

"Garcia send those to JJ's contact, I want this guy picked up." said Hotch.

"I left Emily at the hospital to make sure her and Reid were ok," said Morgan.

"You don't think he would be dumb enough to go there...oh god..." muttered Garcia.

"What is it?" asked Hotch.

"When...when I first found Catherine she was muttering something like...'I don't know' and the rest was to mumbled to understand," said Garcia. "I'm sorry I didn't think about it..."

"It's ok baby girl." Hotch grabbed his phone and started calling Emily.

"He thought Catherine knew where this girl was and she wouldn't give it up," said Morgan.

…...

_Catherine opened the door expecting to see Garcia and instead was face to face with a very pissed off Brandon Rosene. She went to shut the door and he forced it open. Catherine took a step back as he slammed the door._

_ "You ruined my life!" he signed._

_ "You did that yourself. I didn't make you hit anyone, especially a teenage girl. Now get out of my apartment." Catherine felt herself freezing up in his presence, but she would be damned if any man bullied her again._

_ "I just...I lose my temper sometimes. I'm going to get some help for it, but I need to see Jill. Where is she?" _

_ "How did you know where I live?" asked Catherine. Her phone number wasn't listed._

_ "I just need to talk to Jill."_

_ "I don't know where she is and you need to leave now." Catherine went to open the door and he grabbed her arm. "Let go of my arm."_

_ "Tell me where she is?" His grip on her arm got tight._

_ "I don't know and if I did I wouldn't you tell you." His grip got painfully tight and he glared down at her._

_ "Tell me!" _

_ "You don't scare me, you're nothing but a bully. I'm not some teenage girl you can scare and push around. Now get out of my house." He let go of her arm, Catherine went to open the door and she felt him grab her hair and he threw her down. Catherine went to get up and felt her side explode in pain. He grabbed her hair again and made her look at him._

_ "Where is Jill?" Catherine didn't answer and before she could brace herself he hit her in the face. He kept asking for Jill, she refused to give him what he wanted, and he kept hitting her in the face and kicking her. After awhile everything just went black and she stopped feeling the blows._

Spencer heard her whimper and he felt her flinch in his hand. He woke up still feeling horrible, his body still hurting and he felt like he was coming down with a cold. _Must be the effects of withdrawal._ Catherine was crying and she was twitching in her sleep.

"Won't tell you...no...no," she whimpered and Spencer felt powerless. He squeezed her hand and wiped her face carefully.

"It's ok...shush..." he stroked her head and waited for the crying to stop. Catherine's face scrunched up, she opened one of her eyes slowly and winced.

"It's so bright..."she muttered. Spencer got up and dimmed the lights down. He sat back down next to her and took her hand again.

"Is that better?" he asked signing where she could see. Catherine's eye opened a little more, but he could see that it was hurting her.

"If it hurts than don't force yourself." signed Spencer.

"Why are you here?" she asked.

"Because I need to be here with you."

"I don't want you here," she muttered. Spencer felt a twist in his heart, he knew that she was hurt by his actions and that he deserved this from her.

"I know that...but you were there for me when I needed you."

"That's because I loved you...why are you here?" He sat down on the bed so it would be easier for her to see him sign.

"I told you already. I need to be here with you...because I love you."

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying to you. I know that I hurt you and I know that I acted horrible to you and that I don't deserve anything from you other than every ounce of loathing that I'm getting right now, but I'm not walking away this time." Catherine looked at him trying to figure him out.

"I always quit when things get emotionally complicated between us...I did it when I was eighteen, I did it when you got married and I did it when I came back from Georgia. I never try to make it work...it worked because it was easy and I didn't really have to try, but the second it got difficult I shut down and that wasn't fair to you and because I couldn't even try you got hurt and I am so sorry. You have no idea how much I wish I could take it back." Catherine shook her head.

"Which part? The part where you said you didn't love me? The part where you said I was a masturbatory fantasy or the part where you said I bored you? Or was it the part where you mocked me for being Deaf? What are you sorry for? I tell you that I love you and that I'm worried about you and you make fun of me and tell me that all I was was sex to you. God you have no idea how hurtful every second of that was do you?" Catherine was trying not to cry, either from the pain from her beating or the pain he was causing her. Spencer wiped his own eyes and looked at her.

"I can't begin to fathom how much I hurt you and you have no idea what I give to take it back. I would give anything to take back how horrible I was to you, how much I hurt you...I...I stopped...I haven't touched anything in two days and it hurts, but not as much as not having you. I love you and I don't care what I have to do or how long it takes me to prove it or how much you run from me this time. I'm not quitting on this...not this time."

Catherine looked at him with her one eye, the other one still hurt to much to open. He looked so unbelievably sad and broken. She wanted so badly to hate him for how much he had made her cry the past two weeks, for belittling her because of who she was and the lies he had told her.

"I can't trust you...I don't know if I ever can again...you know that," signed Catherine.

"I know that and I already told you that I don't deserve anything from you...I'm asking you to please, please try again with me. I swear to you that I will make up for everything that happened...I just ...I need you back...please..." he started crying. "I miss you so much." Catherine reached over and took his hand and felt her own tears stinging her.

"One chance...you get one more chance with me...you blow it and I will not look back," said Catherine softly enough for him to hear her, but her tone spoke loud and clear and he understood. Spencer went to sign something else when he heard a bang and a crash in the hallway.

"Stay here," he signed. Spencer went into the hall and saw that Emily had a blond guy down the ground with her knee in his back and she was cuffing him.

"You like beating up teenage girls and women who can't fight back. Guess what Brandon, you picked the wrong woman to try to cross tonight." Security came and took him away.

"What was that?" asked Spencer.

"Guy who attacked Catherine. He was trying to sneak in to see her...tried telling the nurse he was her boyfriend," said Emily with a small grin.

"Thank you," said Spencer.

"No thanks needed."

…...

A few days later, Catherine was sitting up in bed with both eyes open. The doctor had given Catherine an eye exam to make sure she hadn't suffered any long term damage. She had passed it with flying colors, the swelling was gone, and the bruises were starting to fade and change color.

"I would kill for a crispy chicken sandwich," signed Catherine stirring her soup.

"Doctor said easy on the chewing until your jaw isn't sore," signed Spencer. Catherine frowned and took a bite of her soup and frowned.

"It tastes like yellow flavored water."

"When you check out in two days I will get you the biggest chicken sandwich in town," said/signed Garcia.

"You are my newest best friend," signed Catherine.

"Stop making me look bad," said/signed Spencer.

"Her students already made you look bad," joked Garcia nodding at the large bouquet of roses Catherine student's had gotten her compared to small vase of white tulips Spencer had gotten her.

"I like tulips," signed Catherine.

"They're just trying to better grades," said/signed Spencer. There was a knock on the door and Spencer saw a girl with dark blonde hair wearing blue jeans and a long sleeved blue shirt carrying a small flower basket.

"Is Ms. Dueringer here?" she signed looking nervous. Catherine looked over.

"That's Jill," signed Catherine. "Let her come in."

"You can come in," signed Spencer. Jill came into the room and when she saw Catherine she teared up. She sat the basket down on a table and walked over to Catherine.

"I'm so sorry Ms. D," she signed.

"Hey...hey...this isn't your fault. I'm going to be fine," signed Catherine she motioned for Jill to come closer. The girl walked over slowly and Catherine hugged her.

"He hurt you and it's totally my fault," signed Jill.

"It's not and he won't hurt anyone again ok." signed Catherine. Brandon was in jail for attacking Catherine and Jill and he wasn't likely to make bail. Jill wiped her eyes and studied Catherine.

"Thank you...for standing up for me," signed Jill.

"It's in a day's work."

"When are you coming back?" asked Jill.

"In a few weeks. I just need some time off to work on some stuff," signed Catherine. Spencer shifted in his seat, he was one of the things she needed to work on. His withdrawal symptoms came and went, but they were getting easier to deal with. Spencer had requested time off to be with Catherine or at least that's what Hotch was telling his bosses. Hotch knew the real reason, but said nothing and Spencer felt another level of shame creep in. _I'll make up for it...to all of them._

Jill said her goodbyes and Garcia left shortly after leaving them alone. Catherine shifted in her bed and winced her ribs were still hurting, but she had given up the morphine drip and refused anything stronger than some Tylenol 3

"Do you want me to see if the nurse will get you something?"

"No...I'll tough it out." Spencer took her hand and squeezed it.

"Gideon has a cabin up in the woods. He thought it might be good for us to get away for a little bit."

"Yeah...sounds good."

"You should try and get some more sleep." He went to leave and she took his hand.

"Could you stay until I go to sleep." He hadn't been sleeping, one of the effects of withdrawal so he had been spending his non sleeping hours either here with her or trying to clean up the mess in her apartment. JJ had helped some, but he insisted on doing most of the work anyway. _She had cleaned up after me. _

"Ok." He settled back into his chair. It took her awhile to settle into a position where she could sleep comfortably and he felt a nagging sense of guilt that she was swearing off her meds for him. It took her awhile to go to sleep and when she did he didn't leave her right away.

"It's going to be ok...I promise."

Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness. Marianne Williamson

Notes-Thanks for all the good feedback!


	21. Chapter one part thirteen

Chapter one part thirteen

People who truly love us can be divided into two categories: those who understand us, and those who forgive us our worst sins. Rarely do you find someone capable of both. Jonathan Carroll

Catherine shifted in seat and tried to get comfortable, the doctors told her that it would take three to six weeks for the ribs to stop bothering her so much. She had been hesitant to take any pain medication from the doctor, even something mild like the Tylenol 3. She didn't want Spencer to have the temptation of drugs around him while they were away. Spencer pleaded with her to take the pills, he couldn't stand seeing her in pain.

"Catherine, what he is giving you is a mild pain killer. I was shooting up a derivative of morphine for over a month. With the dose he is giving you and your size I would have to take like six of those to even come close to what I was doing," he told her once the doctor left the room after her last exam.

"Six pills?"

"Bottles...six bottles Catherine. What he is giving you is nothing compared to what I was doing. I'm asking you to take them for yourself so you're not in so much pain, you can hardly move without wincing. I won't touch them...I don't even want them," said Spencer. Catherine eventually agreed to a small bottle of pills, one that would get her through two weeks and no refills.

Spencer was driving the car and he was trying to drive slowly, but the road was so bumpy it really didn't matter. They were heading up to Gideon's cabin for a week, maybe more just so they could each recover without too much hassle and stress. Spencer felt his hands shaking, it was withdrawal kicking in again and he was starting to feel tired.

"Do you want me to drive for a while?" asked Catherine seeing his hands shake. It was Spencer's car so she technically shouldn't drive it, but they were on a road in the middle of no where so she didn't think anything would happen.

"Could you?" he asked. Catherine nodded and he pulled off to the side of the road so they could switch sides. Spencer got out of the car and felt a wave of nausea shake him, the withdrawal effects were starting to get worse. He was almost a week without and it was really starting to get to him, it mirrored all the symptoms of a cold but it was like the cold from Hell. His body ached and he couldn't seem to get warm or sleep. He crawled into the passenger seat and wrapped his arms around his stomach. Catherine took the driver's seat and looked over at Spencer. He was very pale and was sweating like he had been running non stop. _My poor baby. _She put the car into drive and followed the map Spencer had gotten from Gideon. It took another hour to get up to the cabin and in that time Spencer had fallen into some sort of fitful sleep. Catherine parked the car and and shook Spencer lightly and he quickly jerked awake.

"We're here,"she signed. Spencer sighed and got out of the car than went over to Catherine's side of the car and opened the door for her since she was having trouble moving around. She unbuckled her seat belt slowly and he was able to help her out. _God look us, a pair of invalids,_ thought Catherine has they walked to the front door. Spencer unlocked the front door and made Catherine sit down while he brought their bags in.

It was a nice cabin, it reminded Catherine of when she and her father went camping in California when she was a child. They were clearly in the middle of no where and she really didn't mind. It was peaceful, she imagined if she could hear it would just be birds and the wind in the trees. Spencer came back into the cabin with their bags and he sat them down. He shut the door and looked around.

"Gideon said it was remote." Catherine nodded. Spencer sighed and sat down across from Catherine and looked at her. More of her bruises were fading and changing colors she was starting to look like herself again, expect her eyes. She looked tired and worn down. _She tries to help me and I __push her away, she tries to to help her student and gets a beating to show for efforts. _He looked at her sadly and took her hand.

"You ok...you look tired."

"Just sore. That road just sucked." He nodded and she got up and picked up her purse. "I'm just gonna take half of one."

She went into the bathroom and he heard a bottle opening and water coming out of the tap. Spencer bit his lip and laid down on the couch, he was tried and his stomach was in knots. Catherine came back into the living room and saw Spencer in a half doze on the couch, he hadn't been sleeping and he looked like he was coming down with a cold or flu. Catherine sat down next to him and touched his forehead he was burning up, but he was shivering like he was freezing. Catherine went and got him some water, a cold wet cloth and a blanket. She sat the water on the table and covered him up with the blanket. She brushed his hair back and put the cloth on his head. He groaned and opened his eyes.

"I feel sick," he muttered.

"I know," she signed. Spencer shivered again and started to cough. Catherine bit her lip and touched his forehead.

"This sucks," he signed.

"I know." He took her hand and squeezed it hard.

"I love you so much...don't deserve you..." he drifted off to sleep and Catherine sighed. She had been against him going cold turkey fearful of what could happen to him. She had suggested rehab so he could wean himself off slowly and not be in so much agony. Spencer told her that if the higher ups realized what he had been doing he would lose his job and he would lose his chance at any other job outside the government. He insisted that it had to be this way. Catherine felt herself getting sleepy from the drive and the half pill. She laid down on the small space left to her on the couch next to him. He coughed again and Catherine took his hand. She moved closer to him so she wasn't falling off the couch. Spencer draped one arm around her and pulled her close to him.

"Stay here with me," he mumbled. He felt her settle in next to him and she drifted off to sleep. He pulled her closer to him and he went to sleep.

…...

Spencer woke up a few hours later with Catherine still next to him. At some point during the nap their positions shifted, his leg was between her legs and their bodies were pressed together pelvis to pelvis. He could feel her breath on his neck and his hand was on her side. The desire for her was overwhelming, he knew though that he had no right to her in that way, not now. He took a deep breath and tried to untangle himself from her without waking her. She moaned and looked up at him half asleep.

"I needed that," she signed. "I didn't realize I was so tired."

"Me too." He felt slightly better. His body was still sore, but part of it was also from sleeping in such an awkward position. He didn't feel the fever anymore or the chills. Catherine got up slowly the nap was needed, but she shouldn't have slept on her side like that. The doctors had warned her to sleep on her back only and now she knew why. Spencer got off the couch and helped her up.

"Thanks." She looked up at him and he felt his breath catch in his throat. Catherine took a deep breath and just hugged him. He pulled her close and held her, she broke away from him slowly and looked up at him.

"We need to talk about some things Spencer...ok," signed Catherine.

"Ok. I know we do." Catherine sat back down in a chair and he sat down across from her.

"What happened to you in Georgia?" Spencer shifted in his seat, he knew she was going to ask about what happened to him and she had the right to know. He brought the nightmare home with him and made her apart of it.

"How much do you want to know?"

"Everything."

"JJ and I were going to interview a witness...we thought he was a witness to a possible break in tied to our murders. We got there and something just wasn't right." The sun was coming into the room and by the time he was finished the sun had started to set. Catherine had teared up several times and he had to stop at times to compose himself too.

"I don't know why I took the drugs, I don't why I did half the things I did over the past few weeks, but it was never my intention to hurt you though and you have no idea how sorry I am that I hurt you."

Catherine wiped her eyes, she hated this dead man who had inflicted all this pain and suffering on Spencer and yet Spencer didn't blame him. Catherine didn't care how many personalities he had, this man had beaten and drugged Spencer for almost three days, almost killed him and caused them both unmeasurable amount of heart ache.

"I...I am so sorry that he hurt you so much. Why didn't you tell me before...did you think I would think less of you somehow?" asked Catherine.

"I don't know...I thought less of me. I thought I knew how to work in the field and I got myself kidnapped, I could have gotten JJ killed, I killed a man who tried to kill me and saved my life at the same time. I was just...I was messed up and I didn't know how to deal with it." Catherine took his hand.

"No one thought less of you. I didn't. I was just so happy to have you home Spencer."

"I know that now...I just felt like I failed. I failed myself, my team, you and I was so tried of feeling that. Feeling like a failure, feeling weak, I didn't want to feel anything anymore."

"Did it work?"

"No." Catherine's hand was still in his and he squeezed it. They sat there for a long while trying to come up with something to say to each other.  
>"I wish you would have told me sooner," signed Catherine.<p>

"I didn't know how. I shut you out and it wasn't fair to you. I just...you're the one normal thing I have...you've always been the one stable person in my life, even when we were apart...I knew that if I tried to find you that you would be there no questions asked and I took advantage of that. I profiled you and I used your feelings for me against you," admitted Spencer.

"What's my profile?"

"You have abandonment issues from your mother leaving you and self esteem issues from her belittling you and your inability to hear. Even though your father and grandmother gave you all the love and support you needed, you never got it from the person you really wanted it from. Once someone gains your trust and affection you open yourself up completely, you have no boundaries or limits. You don't shut people out even after they hurt you, you keep the relationship open in case they need support. It's why even after hurting you time and time again you let me back in. Most people would have ended this years ago...not you. I took your virginity and than I left you...you came back. I didn't speak to you for three years and you came back. I tell you I don't love and you let me back in."

"Should I stop letting you in?" That thought sent Spencer into a panic and he started signing faster.

"I...I need you to be open, because I have no idea how to be. I don't know how to let people in the way you do and trust them so completely...you're not the only one with abandonment issues in this room. I just shut people out people because it's easier than dealing with the feelings...the possibility that they're just going to leave again." He started crying again and Catherine hugged him.

"It was easier to push you way than deal with the feelings," admitted Spencer.

"What feelings?" asked Catherine.

"That I'm in love with you. That you coming back in my life has been one of the few good things that has happened to me in a long time. Good things don't happened to me Catherine, you know that." She didn't know what to say and they sat there for a long awhile trying to figure out what to do next.

…...

A few hours later Spencer went to take a shower and Catherine was sitting outside drinking her tea, it was really lovely out here you could see the stars since you couldn't see the lights from the city. Her dad used to take her and Spencer star gazing in the desert when they were kids. Maybe that was one of the reasons she couldn't shut Spencer out, so much of their lives were tied together. Her dad could never understand how William Reid had just left his son and never called or wrote him. Than again he could never understand why her own mother and his wife had just left them. Her own father never dated after after her mother left him, he devoted himself to her care and to his job as a elementary school teacher.

She asked him once when she was a teenager why he never dated and he just smiled at her and said the only two ladies he needed was her and her grandmother and both of them were a handful. Her grandfather had died when her father was a child so maybe that was why he threw himself into being a dad no matter who the kid belong too. _He didn't have a dad and couldn't stand anyone else not having one._ She pulled the sweater around her tighter, it was lovely out here but still too cold for March. She had told her dad she was leaving town, but not about her attack. She didn't want him to see her like that and she didn't want him to see Spencer in the state he was in. _It would break his heart to see us how we are right now._ Than again she had a feeling that Spencer wasn't telling his mother a lot of things right now too.

Spencer came outside with his own cup of tea and sat down next to her.

"Canis Minor," signed Spencer, Catherine was already looking at it.

"Cancer is out too," signed Catherine. He sipped his tea and looked at her, she was wearing his tan sweater and had pulled it tight around her. She looked so small sitting there and in the dim light you couldn't see her bruises.

"You know the constellations are going to be different when you go," signed Spencer.

He found her acceptance letter when he was picking up the apartment and she told him about it when he asked. A part of him knew that they would take her, she was amazing at what she did and he was so proud of her. Another part of him was going to miss her in ways he didn't understand. He knew that it was only for three months, but after that had happened three months was going to feel much longer.

"I don't think I'm going to be able to see them...the city lights will be too bright." Catherine shivered in the darkness. "You don't want me to go now."

"I want you to go because it's a once in a lifetime chance and I don't want you to go because I'm selfish and I'll miss you. You wanna go now don't you?"

"Yes. I haven't been overseas in years. Paul never wanted me to travel. I mean he did, but not like this. Leaving home for so long. It was one of the things that caused us to grow apart."

"You each had a very different idea of marriage." _She wanted to experience things and he wanted her home._

"Yeah." It was getting too cold out here for her and she decided to head inside, Spencer followed her. She put her mug in the sink and looked outside. Spencer came up behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his head on her shoulder.

"Will you be ok if I go?" asked Catherine. She turned around and looked at him. "If you don't think you're going to be ok, I won't go." _I don't want you to go...but it's because I'm selfish and it's only going to hurt us in the long run._

"I'm going to be ok. You have to trust me. This is about you...I want this for you. I want us to be ok and I know that holding you back to make me feel better isn't going to help us," signed Spencer.

"I want you to be ok." He was making her cry again, after everything that had happened he was surprised that they had any tears left to cry.

"And I will, I promise...I know that if I screw up up again this is over, you will not come back to me and I need you to come back to me." Spencer bent down and hugged her careful so he wouldn't hurt her ribs. "Please don't cry...it's ok. It's going to be ok." Catherine wiped her eyes.

"I promise I'll come home to you."

"You leave in two months?" She nodded. "Let's just get through them...and we'll go from there."

Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love. ~George Eliot

Notes-

Tylenol 3 has codeine, codeine is found in cough syrup and my understanding is that is a very mild pain killer compared to Vicodin or Morphine. So I imagine compared to shooting up Dilaudid, Tylenol 3 would do nothing for him.

Withdrawal from Dilaudid-According to the internet, withdrawal from Dilaudid is sometimes like having the cold from hell: aches and pains, fevers, cold sweats, vomiting or feeling like you have to, not sleeping. They say going cold turkey on this can lead to some serious health issues and that rehab is suggested. However, I imagine checking into rehab might not have ended well for poor Spencer if anyone had found out. *chiefstruassisabitch-cough

The car-The Deaf have cars with special mirrors and sensors that help with detecting noises. The VW would not have that, so techincally she shouldn't drive his car.

March constellations-Cancer and Canis Minor are very bright that time of year.

Thank you for all the good reviews and adds.


	22. Just a little notice

Please be patient with me

Due to things beyond my control my internet at home is down (yes I paid my bill and I reset the modem and AT&T has been called to do repair)...I'm currently using free wi-fi at local coffee shop, so this means the next chapter going up might take awhile, since I can't stream the ep's I wanted to use, double check some info and in general function with the rest of the world today.

But thank you all for the good reviews, adds, ect...to think I almost canned this story after one bad review. ^-^

Lady Lunastar


	23. Chapter one  part fourteen

Chapter one part fourteen

**some adult content**

Can miles truly separate you from friends... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there? ~Richard Bach

"She keeps looking at us and she is clearly trying to figure out what we're saying," signed Catherine. Spencer looked over his shoulder, Garcia was watching them she was sitting with Morgan and Emily near the airport lounge. Spencer had positioned himself in front of Catherine with his back to them so that they couldn't see what he was signing to her and what she was signing to him. He had understood that they wanted to say good bye to her and he let them have their good byes with her. But he also wanted his own goodbye with her away from them.

Garcia was almost near tears while saying her good byes. Her black eye make up was threatening to run and she hugged Catherine so tightly that he was surprised it didn't re-break one of her ribs.

"Oh be careful and be careful what you buy out of the vending machines and be careful on the subway...I've seen way to many animes when something horrible happens on the subway..." Morgan shook his head and careful pulled Garcia away from Catherine.

"Baby she's going with a school group I'm sure she'll be fine." Morgan bent down and hugged Catherine.

"I promise to make sure your boy stays out of trouble...you do the same too alright," said Morgan and Garcia signed it for Catherine.

"Thank you. Make sure he gets to bed at a decent hour too, he's crabby when doesn't get his eight hours of sleep," signed Catherine for Garcia to tell Morgan. Morgan gave her one last hug and took Garcia to the lounge area even though it was clear she had much more to say. Emily laughed and hugged Catherine.

Over the past two months, a small friendship had started once Emily and Catherine started swapping stories of their oversea misadventures during their teen years, Emily's in Italy and Catherine's in France, the friendship also helped Spencer in trying to make up for his terrible behavior to Emily. For her part, Emily was just glad that whatever Reid had been going through since Georgia was hopeful put to the bed and he could go back to being himself again. She didn't need an apology from him, she just wanted her team mate back.

"I've never been to Japan, but it's on my bucket list so let me know if it's worth the twenty hour flight," signed Emily. "Have fun ok!" Emily gave her another hug and than went to sit with Morgan and Garcia.

"And than there was one," joked Catherine looking up at him and trying to smile.

…...

_One week ago_

Spencer heard knocking on the door and he mentally kicked himself for forgetting to give Catherine her the spare key back. He sat his book down and answered the door, Catherine was standing there holding a bouquet of flowers and a large gift bag.

"Your students like sucking up," teased Spencer. Catherine shrugged and came in. She sat the bag down and went into the kitchen to find something to put the flowers in. Spencer shut the door behind her and followed her to the kitchen. Catherine found an old vase he had stashed away and put the flowers in that.

"They're just trying to be nice," signed Catherine looking at the flowers. Her French class and the Junior Counsel had gotten together and planned a small going away party for her since she was leaving next week. She had arranged all the lessons, met with her substitute and got all the apartment issues resolved, for the most part. She had put almost everything into storage and had some feelers out for a new place. Catherine had admitted since the attack she didn't feel right in the apartment and she just needed out. For the time being she was staying with him and things were slowly on the mend.

"So what else did they get you?" asked Spencer. Catherine smiled and headed back to the living room where she sat the bag. She pulled out a Hello Kitty backpack, slippers and bathrobe.

"So I fit in with all the other Asian girls," joked Catherine.

"It's the thought that counts right?" She smiled, he could tell she was really touched that her students would get her anything. Spencer wasn't surprised in the slightest, she was a good teacher and it showed.

"So how was your evening?" asked Catherine going to sit down.

"Just reading," signed Spencer nodding his head over to the table.

"Anything good?" she picking up the small book and skimming title-_Narcotics Anonymous: The Basic Text. _ Spencer sat down next to her and stared at the book in her hands.

"I'm thinking about maybe trying out some of the meetings. The counselor thinks it might be good for me to have an outside support group."

Spencer had been against seeing a counselor at first, but he went at the insistent of both Gideon and Catherine. He had been against the idea of having another person know his shame, but Gideon had been adamant that he go. _Keeping everything inside is what got you here...it's not healthy. We carry so many demons that something has to give,_ said Gideon. So he had been going at least two nights a week for a month now and he had been clean for almost two months. It was still hard, but it was getting better.

"Maybe he's right," signed Catherine.

"I know, but..." Spencer trailed off

"But..."

"I just...if you had told me six months ago I would be thinking about going to an NA meeting I would laugh it off as a really bad joke, but now...it's my life." Catherine sat the book down and hugged him carefully.

"You went through a horrible event and you need help. I've always told you that there is no shame in admitting you need help and that you don't need to do everything by yourself."

"I know...it's just hard admitting it." Catherine nodded and he went on. "I always thought people who did the things I did were bad people and..." Catherine cut him off.

"You're not a bad person. You just..." Spencer cut her off this time.

"I just did horrible things." She couldn't argue with that and looked at her hands. He told her what happened to her earrings when they were at the cabin and he hated how hard she cried, it was more than just losing them it was where they had gone. They had gone to a few counseling sessions together and he was truly starting to understand how much he really hurt her. It was more than the lies, it was how he belittled her and demeaned her for being Deaf, it was how he closed himself off from her and refused to let her in.

"It's going to get better though," signed Catherine.

"Yeah..." He took her hand and squeezed it. She put her head on his shoulder and he kissed her forehead. Spencer started playing with her hair. It was getting long again and all he wanted to do was tangle it in his hands. Catherine looked up at him and he tilted his head down and kissed her on month. She kissed him back and before he realized what was happening Catherine was under him, kissing him, his hands fighting with buttons on her shirt. _I need you...it's been so long. _She moved under him slowly, her hands on his waist and her mouth on his neck. His hands touched her skin and she was whimpering in his ear. Begging for him for more.

"Wait...wait...we..." he pulled away from her and she looked at him confused and somewhat hurt. It had been almost two months since they had been together intimately, part of it had been due to her injuries after the attack. He was terrified of hurting her and the other part was him. He didn't have the right to be with her in _that _way after what he did, how he ruined them.

"Why..."asked Catherine sitting up, re-buttoning her top and looking torn between embarrassment and being ashamed in some way. Spencer had to take a deep breath to regain some control of himself.

"I...it's not you. I need to be honest with you again." Catherine sighed, 'I need to be honest with you' was code for the past few weeks that she was going to hear something very truthful, but hurtful all at once. She looked at Spencer and nodded.

"Ok." Spencer took another deep breath before continuing. "Do you remember the last few times we were together?" asked Spencer. Catherine nodded and he went on.

"I was either high or wanting to get high while we were together that way and it wasn't right. I used physical intimacy to hide the fact that I didn't want to deal with the emotional turmoil going on. It wasn't right to do that...it's supposed to bring you together and I used it to push myself away from you. I...I feel guilty...right now. It's not you," Spencer added quickly seeing Catherine start to tear up. "You...you have no idea how much I desire you. But I can't get it out of my head how I used sex to make myself feel that high and it wasn't about connecting to you on any level. Even now...I don't know if I want the sex because I want the connection with you or I wanna feel that high again. I'm sorry." Catherine took a deep breath and squeezed his hand.

"Ok. Ok...we've taken our time with this before. This is about you getting better and I want you to get better. We can wait."

"I'm sorry," he muttered and wiped his own eyes. Catherine kissed his cheek and they sat there together for a long time.

…...

"He did that so I couldn't see what was being said," hissed Garcia looking over at the couple.

Reid had clearly put his back to her and placed himself in front of his short counterpart so she would be clueless to what was going on.

"Baby let them have a moment. She's going to be gone for three months."

"She shouldn't be going and he should be stopping her from getting on that plane," whined Garcia.

"Reid told her to apply for this and he supports her going," said Emily.

"That's because Reid's an idiot," said Garcia.

"Never thought I would hear that in a sentence...the words Reid and idiot don't go together," said Morgan.

"Yeah it feels weird saying it even my head," admitted Emily.

"She's leaving for three months to go half way across the world after both of them have suffered some serious emotional stress and those are key ingredients for a relationship going to pot and they're so good for each other," said Garcia.

"Hey listen, those two have gone through some serious stuff together over the pass couple of months and they're still hanging in there. I really don't think distance is going to kill this for them." Morgan had seen the change in Reid over the past few weeks, he was slowly turning back into his old self and Morgan had a feeling that Catherine was a small part of that change. Morgan was glad to have his friend back and knew that Catherine leaving was a bit harder than Reid was willing to admit, but he really didn't see distance being a killer in this relationship. _I think he found a keeper._

…...

I'll text you when we hit our first layover and than when we get settled in I'll e-mail you," signed Catherine.

"I'll write you an e-mail once a day...I'll even e-mail you before I write to my mom," signed Spencer.

"Don't go making her mad at me again. She's hard to win over and I don't want to go through that again." Spencer reached into his shoulder bag and pulled out a wrapped present, it was clearly nothing breakable or else it was supposed to be lumpy.

"Um, it's not much but I want you to have it."

Catherine took the present and opened it up, it was the tan sweater cardigan she had worn when they were at the cabin, well it was one his sweaters that she was forever stealing from him and wearing when she was at his apartment. Spencer would give this look and protest that it was his sweater, why was she wearing it when she had plenty of clothes there and she didn't need to be stealing his clothes. It was massive on her, but she loved how soft and warm it was hence the constant stealing of it. He stopped complaining about the stealing of his clothing when she came into his office one night months ago just wearing the sweater and a pair of pajama shorts. Catherine grinned and looked up at him.

"You're parting with your sweater?"

"I think it's yours now. You're forever taking it from me..."

"And I thought you liked me wearing it...or at least making sure I'm not wearing it," teased Catherine and Spencer bit his lip just thinking about it.

"You fight dirty you know that," signed Spencer. Catherine placed the sweater in her carry on and pulled something else out.

"Since I get the sweater, I want you to have this." She opened his hand and gave him her rosary.

"This was your grandmother's." Her grandmother had given it to Catherine before she died, it was silver with black beads and a small silver crucifix. Catherine herself was sort of a lapsed Catholic, but Spencer knew she never traveled without this and how much it meant to her.

"I can't take this," signed Spencer.

"I know you don't really believe in religious stuff, but I would feel better if you had it. You travel a lot more than I do and you go to some dark places so it makes sense for you to have this now." Spencer took it and put it in his pocket.

"Thank you." Spencer bent down and hugged her tight. _I'm going to miss you so much._

He heard the P.A announce her flight and Catherine's translator/interrupter for the trip Norie Iwata came up to them. She was a twenty seven year old Japanese woman, she had recently dyed her hair blond and was barely two inches taller than Catherine and that was with the six inch boots she was wearing. Norie spoke Japanese and was able to sign in ASL and JSL and speak some English, she would be Catherine's ears while she was there. Norie tucked some hair behind her ears and Spencer could see her the hearing implants in her both of her ears

"Don't worry. I promise to look after her for you Dr. Reid. We should be going now," signed Norie.

"I'll be there in a minute, Norie-san." Norie bowed her head and went to get in line. Catherine looked up at Spencer and he hugged her tightly again.

"Be safe...I love you."

"Seventeen," signed Catherine. She stood up on her toes and kissed him slowly, he kissed her back and ignored the wolf whistle coming from Morgan. _She tastes like coffee and strawberries. _Catherine ended the kiss and looked up at him one last time. "I love you and you stay safe too."

"Good bye," signed Spencer.

"No...not good bye...I'll see you later," signed Catherine.

"Ok...I'll see you later," signed Spencer. She hugged him one more time before picking up her carry on, her other bags were already checked on the plane. She gave him one last wonderful smile before turning her back and getting into the line behind Norie.

"WHY IS SHE GETTING ON THE PLANE?" Spencer turned and saw Garcia was yelling at him. Spencer shook his head and walked back towards the group.

"He let her get on the plane. She's the Rachel to his Ross, the Buttercup to his Wesley, the Mary Ann to his Professor and he lets her get on the plane," cried Garcia.

"I don't know who is going to miss her more: you or Garcia," said Emily. Spencer felt the rosary in his pocket and smiled.

"Who are Ross and Rachel?" he asked. Garcia just shook her head and wondered how someone so brilliant could be such an idiot.

…...

Norie had fallen asleep somewhere around Kansas and Catherine was tired of reading her textbook. Catherine was getting cold and she reached into her carry on and pulled out Spencer's sweater. She put it on and felt something crinkle in the pocket. She reached into the pocket of the sweater and pulled out an envelope with her name on it in his handwriting. _Of course he would._ Catherine opened the envelope and pulled out a letter. The paper was thick and heavy and the letter handwritten.

_Catherine, _

_ I knew that I wouldn't be able to say everything I wanted to say before you left so I knew that I would need to write this. I don't know why I find it so difficult to tell you how I really feel. I said I would miss you and I will, but truth be told even when we were apart it was like you were never gone. I could see you so clearly in my mind it was like you were in the room with me. I think even if I didn't have an eidetic memory there are many things about you that I wouldn't be able to forget. Your laugh, your smile, the way you taste when we kiss and the feel of your skin when we touch. Even writing this I find myself at a lost for words to describe what you and this relationship mean to me. I love you and even that doesn't describe how I feel about you. I know that it doesn't always present itself in what many would consider a normal or affectionate way, but truth be told I've never felt this much or this way about anyone in my life._

_ I'll be ok while your gone, I promise. I have made several promises to you and to myself and I intend on keeping them. I know that it's not going to be easy and I know you'll worry about me even if I tell you not to, it's just who you are. But please trust me when I say it's going to be ok and I want you to enjoy yourself. You'll be gone 92 days, 14 hours, 15 minutes and 73 seconds and I will miss you and love you every second that your away._

_ Spencer._

Catherine wiped her eyes and smiled. _He really knows how to get a girl going._ She tucked the letter back into her carry on so she wouldn't lose it. She pulled the sweater around her tighter and drifted off to sleep.

…...

To: Spencer

From: Catherine

Subject-I made it

Hey,

Just got in from a welcome dinner at the school and I feel exhausted. It reminded me of those dinners you complained about so much when you were in college...the 'Horse and Pony show' dinners where they show off how awesome they are because of the people they attract. Everyone for the most part seems really nice. So far I'm not the youngest student on this trip (that honor goes to one of the New York kids), but I am one of the youngest teachers so now I'm Sensei Dueringer even to people who are my age and close to finishing their degrees. It's also weird going by my surname to everyone. In the past 24 hours, only one person has called me Catherine. I know I call a lot your friends by their surname and they all call you Reid...but still I miss my first name.

We were given our class schedule after dinner and it's what you would call a 'total immersion' program. Classes are six days a week, eight hours a day on Monday thru Friday. Four hours learning Spoken Japanese, lunch and than four hours of learning JSL. Saturday's are only four hours and only half is in the classroom, the other half is spent on field trips or 'culture immersion projects' which is a really fancy way of saying really awesome over night field trip or working on a report for class about the culture here, still not clear yet...I'm really hoping for the overnight field trips

I think you might have broken my Japanese mother's heart. Norie's older brother is a single doctor and I think she was hoping Norie would bring home someone not taken. She noticed my lack of ring wearing and took it to mean I was free. When I showed her a picture of us from Christmas and yeah...you made a Japanese woman cry, you heart-breaker you. When Norie told her you were a doctor I had to explain they were PhD's and than it lead to explaining what you do and well...your job does not translate well to this country. Japan has a lack of serial killers, unless you count all the killings done by ghost or giant monster attacks. ^-^ I promise to not enter any haunted houses while here and to take shelter during monster attacks.

I'm think I'm rambling at this point in time so I'm going to try to sleep. (How do you recover from jet lag so easily? I'm struggling right now...its night here which means it's early morning for you and in my mind I should be getting up.)

Love Catherine

P.S 90 days till I'm home.

From: Spencer

To: Catherine

I recover quickly from jet lag by use of coffee and the fact I try to keep DC time in my head. So that way when I come home I'm already aware of the time difference and not struggling to catch up. Plus the plane we have is easy to sleep on so I can catch up on my sleep when coming home. I'm sure once you're there a full week you'll be fine.

Oh yes the 'Horse and Pony' show dinners. Well in my case now it's no longer dinners, but lunches and recruitment lectures. I'm terrible at public speaking and most of the students are younger than me by a year or two and yet I was working for the FBI while they were taking finishing their freshmen year of college and somehow talking with me is supposed to make them want to join the FBI. If I heard me talking I wouldn't join the FBI, I would run from it and fast. I'm dreading the one I have to go to next week, but it's with Gideon so hopefully he'll do most of the talking and I can make sure the Power Point is working. Is it wrong that I'm wishing for a case so I don't have to do the talk.

I'm not surprised that a description of my job doesn't translate well into other countries, especially in one that has such a low crime rate. I'm sure if it wasn't for killer ghosts or monster attacks the Japanese police would be very bored.

Some feel that the low crime rate is due to an openness about sexuality and violence. Even at a young age sexuality is openly talked about in anime and manga and while disturbing on a level I don't want to go into this evening, video games based on dating and sex (consensual or non consensual) are quite popular where you are. Japan is one of the few countries that throw people for a curve ball when trying to determine if violent/sexual images make a person violent or sex crazed.

I'm sorry I broke your new mother's heart. Tell her that I had no intention of depriving her of grand children. I'm also sorry that I didn't get you some identifying you has 'taken'...I had no idea you were going to get the unwanted attention of Japanese mothers looking for viable egg donors. Should you travel overseas again I will make sure that your properly tagged for your own protection.

Well I have to cut this short...JJ thinks she has a case for us. I should be careful what I wish for.

Spencer

P.S 89 days 15 hours, 28 minutes and 40 seconds till you come home

…...

Spencer was home on a Saturday night,which made it Sunday morning for Catherine so they were able to chat without messing up their schedules too much. So far she had been gone two weeks and he found himself missing her terribly, but her near daily e-mails almost made up for her being gone. Spencer used to hate e-mail and only had it for work purposes, but since he started dating Catherine, e-mail became another way to stay in touch other than texting. He took a sip of his coffee, it was near midnight here in D.C but he wasn't missing his one chance to have an almost face to face conversation with her since leaving two weeks ago. He logged into his Messenger and waited for Catherine to get online.

CattyD-Hi!

Spencer_R-Hello.

CattyD-How was your week?

Spencer_R-Ok, I guess. Our case in Kansas picked up some press here in the States so JJ is busy dealing with the media and she's trying to pass some reporters off to us for quotes. I went with Gideon and helped teach a class about serial killers in partnerships. I managed to keep my rambling to a minimum and I sort of went to a meeting.

CattyD-Sort of?

Spencer_R-I went, but I just listened I really wasn't ready to share.

CattyD-You went though, that's good.

Spencer_R-I just have issue with the God part.

CattyD-The God part?

Spencer_R-Several of the steps involving giving yourself over to a higher power of some sort and you know how I feel about God.

CattyD-You're Agnostic...you want God to come down to you and make you coffee and tell you the meaning of life.

Spencer_R-I believe in science and facts so yes if God were to hand me a cup of coffee and tell me why I'm here I would have no issue with him/her/it...sorry I'm rambling again.

CattyD-You need to talk so it's ok.

Spencer took another sip of his coffee and pondered what to say next. This was part of his recovery and no matter where she was, he knew she would want to be apart of it.

Spencer_R-Well...the spiritual principles are about honesty, open-mindedness and willingness so I guess I can work with those concepts.

Spencer_R-Why do you believe?

CattyD-What?

Spencer_R-Why do you believe in God...I think we had this talk when we were teenagers, but I need a refresher.

CattyD-I was brought up by two Catholics and was named after two of the biggest believers of the Catholic faith...I just...do. There is no real reason for it. I just do. Granted I only go to church when things in my life get really crazy, but it's comforting to me that I can go and just let everything out.

CattyD-I was going a lot the last few weeks before I left.

Spencer_R-When?

CattyD-When you were in counseling. I needed to go and just get some things off my chest. I felt better afterward.

CattyD-I miss you a lot right now

Spencer_R-I miss you too...so how was your week?

He read about her week: her classes, she was making friends with another student from New York, the class was supposed to go to Kyoto next weekend so she might not be able to chat next week, but she would e-mail him when they got back from Kyoto. He took a sip of his cold coffee and yawned. He could see her in his mind's eye sitting here with him, he could feel her laying on his chest, the smell of her hair. _I miss you..._

CattyD-It's late where you are, I should let you get to sleep.

Spencer_R-Yeah...it's almost two am. I'll e-mail you on Monday. I love you.

CattyD-I love you too. Night sweetie.

Spencer_R-Good night.

…...

"Wow...your hair," signed Spencer. They were finally able to get a working web cam and it was the first time he had seen her in almost four weeks. Catherine was sitting in her bedroom, her brown hair was highlighted a light shade of red and it was down past her shoulders. She shrugged and smiled.

"It's what happens when you go out with a New Yorker and a Kansai girl," signed Catherine.

"Kansai girl?" asked Spencer.

"A girl from Osaka is a Kansai girl...they like to party and they talk you into crazy things."

"Your hair is one of those things?"

"You don't like it do it?" she frowned and twisted a strand. He really didn't care for it, but he could learn to like it.

"It's different...I sort of like it"

"Liar...don't worry it should wash out in a couple of weeks. How are you doing?"

"Alright, thankfully no new cases. Mostly I'm just working on older cases that we closed, court preparations, and helping Gideon grade papers from his classes. So it's been relativity quite," signed Spencer.

"That's good. I got my cultural assignment today. My assignment is Japanese cinema...I have to watch a bunch of Japanese movies and their American counterparts and compare them, you know how they translate over, the cultural differences, the social commentary, ect. You have any recommendations?"

"Kurosawa has some really good movies that have been remade into American films. The Seven Samurai was remade into the 1960's western The Magnificent Seven is the most popular ones and has been remade several times including..." Catherine was grinning has he caught himself rambling. She knew about Kurosawa and was just asking him so he would ramble.

"You did that on purpose," signed Spencer.

"I miss the rambling. You have no idea how much. So please carry on."

"I have something I would like to ramble about...what does green taste like?" The look on her face made him laugh.

"How do you know about that?" Spencer held up his cell phone.

"I have to say...everyone was amused that I got a long distance drunk dial. What where you doing?" Catherine's face was turning red.

"Monica, Kari and Norie insisted that I go out with them to a club and well...you heard what happened."

Spencer grinned, the phone call came on a Friday morning or what was Saturday night for her and when he picked up he was greeted by loud pop music.

"Hello..." he asked tentatively. All he heard was whooping and giggling.

"Who is this?" he asked. There was more giggling and he heard Catherine's voice.

"Yeah for shots!"

"Catherine?" Emily looked over from her desk at Spencer and Morgan looked over too.

"I love shots!" screamed another voice. Morgan started laughing and Emily shook her head.

"It's tastes like green...IT TASTES LIKE GREEN!" cried Catherine and Emily lost it and started laughing.

"Ok...Catherine...I know you can't hear me, but I know you are racking up a large long distance bill right now so I'm going to hang up now.

"Monica-chan get off the table!" cried another female voice and Spencer hung up the phone.

"Oh come on that was getting good," said Morgan.

"Girls night out in Tokyo," said Emily. Spencer looked at the phone and sort of grinned, Emily looked over at him.

"You're rather ok with the fact that your girlfriend is clearly wasted in a Tokyo bar somewhere," said Emily.

"I was just worried that she wouldn't let herself have fun while she was there and well...she's clearly having fun. I'm happy for her." Spencer turned back to his work and Emily looked at him, he had this sort of sad smile on his face. He really missed her more than he was willing to admit.

…...

July was coming to an end, Spencer was home on a Friday night, he was reading through the 12 Steps again. He could say them in his sleep by this point in time, but it was helpful to him to read them and think about how it applied to him.

Step one, admitting that he had a problem and that his life had become unmanageable was easy enough to see and follow through with. He couldn't focus on his work and his relationships both personal and professional were either frayed or heading that way.

Steps two and three were trickier for him, it involved God or a Higher Power of some sort. _Believe in a power greater than ourselves that can restore us to sanity and making the decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. _God really had nothing to do with his decision...it was the fact that he was losing or about to lose everything in his life that mattered in the slightest. It was the fact that he was alone in a terrible place without anyone there. It wasn't God that had seen him through the nightmare, it was his family. It was Catherine, Ethan, Gideon and to a small extension Hotch that helped with step two, the restoring to sanity.

Step three, turning his will and life over to the care of God or the Higher power was something to think about and he was still sort of stuck on it. He wanted to get better and it was through his own willpower that he got here. He also had to admit that his life was really no longer just about him, he had other people to consider. His actions affected others and in a way he had turned his life over to some sort of power.

Step four, make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves was something he had done in counseling and found it to be another easy step. He had been beaten, tortured and drugged for two days and while he needed the team to save him, he refused to let them or anyone help him afterward. He was stubborn and refused to admit he need help of any kind. _I'm not weak._ Admitting he needed help was a sign of weakness and he had refused to admit weakness since he was ten years old. He was selfish and emotionally distance with his loved ones. Emotions were a weakness and it was easier to hold them in and suffer than let anyone in. Catherine had always been his one emotional weakness and even with her he was sometimes distance and guarded.

Step five, admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. He admitted to himself and to Catherine and Gideon what he had done. God would have to wait.

Steps six and seven were sort of the same, being ready to have God remove all these defects of character and asking God to remove the shortcomings. Spencer was working on his flaws and it was hard, he was trying to undo over twenty some years of mental armor he built to survive. Letting other people in was not his strong suit, but he had to try.

He was thinking about step eight when his phone rang. It was Hotch.

"Reid...I need you to meet us over at Gideon's."

"What happened? Is he ok?" Gideon had been helping him through the last few weeks, talking with him about everything and anything he was dealing with. Gideon didn't think badly of him and it was one of the things he had feared. While he didn't want to let people in, he didn't want them thinking badly of him.

"Just get over here ASAP." Hotch hung up and Spencer couldn't help but feel that something horrible had happened.

A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.~Arnold Glasow

Notes-Yeah my Internet is back!

The sweater-Can be seen in Fear and Loathing and Open Season.

Ep's referenced-Legacy.

The NA 12 Steps are similar to the 12 Steps of AA and I can see Spencer being hesitant to trusting in a Higher Power/God. I can also see him not knowing who Ross and Rachel are.


	24. Chapter one part fifteen

Chapter one part fifteen

I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do. Edward Everett Hale

Spencer had been to Gideon's apartment a number of times, the visits had increased since Catherine had gone to Japan. If they didn't want to play chess at the office or talk in private, they went to Gideon's apartment. He had been there just the other night and he noticed Gideon was distracted.

"You're either letting me win or you just don't care anymore," said Spencer moving his Rook to take Gideon's Knight.

"Sorry, my head isn't here," said Gideon and he moved his Queen out of danger from his Rook.

"Any reason?"

"I heard an old friend was coming into town and we've made plans for dinner Friday night," Spencer moved his Knight and took the Queen.

"She's clearly more than just a friend or you really don't care."

"You assume it's a she." Gideon frowned and used his remaining Knight to take Spencer's Rook.

"I doubt any male friend would cause you to lose this badly." Spencer moved his Knight and put Gideon in check. Gideon grinned and moved his Rook to take take Spencer's Bishop which was a move away from placing Gideon in checkmate.

"Sometimes you are far too smart for your own damn good." Spencer studied the board and considered his move. Spencer moved his other Bishop and took the last Rook.

"Yes it's a she," admitted Gideon. Gideon frowned and moved a pawn to take another pawn.

"See it wasn't that bad," said Spencer and he moved his Bishop and placed Gideon in checkmate. Gideon grinned and started putting the pieces back.

"Who is she?" asked Spencer.

"An old friend from college. Over thirty one years."

"That's a long time," said Spencer.

"Doesn't feel that long," Gideon got up and went to get them something to drink.

"It never feels that long," said Spencer. Gideon sat their drinks down.

"You've known Catherine since you were a child of course it doesn't feel like a long time. How is she?"

"Ok, she's six weeks away from coming home."

"You miss her."

"A little more everyday." Gideon moved his pawn and Spencer moved his.

"I'm glad...that she makes you happy."

"It's more than that." Gideon looked up from the board and studied him. "I just...I don't know what it is..." Spencer moved another pawn and Gideon moved another. They played to a draw.

…...

When Spencer pulled up to the building it was surrounded by police cars and CSI vans. _What the hell is going on. _He got out of the car and flashed his badge to get through the crowds for people. He got up to Gideon's floor and the activity was even worse up here. He was met at the door by Morgan, Emily and JJ. They went into the apartment and Spencer was taken aback by the smell of copper in the air.

"What is going on?" asked Emily.

"It's not good whatever it is," said JJ. They walked past the entryway and into the main living area. A table had been set, dinner for two. It was clearly more than just a causal meal between friends, the dishes looked like they were brand new, wine was chilling and candles were set on the table. The dinner was now stone cold on the table and a tech was throwing out some bread that had burnt in the stove. The bedroom door was open and her heard JJ gasp, a women in her 50's was on the bed, her blood spattered up the walls and onto several of Gideon's bird pictures. Her eyes stared at them sightless, her long dark hair covered in her own blood, she had been cut open and from what he could see from the doorway she appeared to be missing some of her organs.

"Where's Gideon?" asked Morgan when he saw Hotch.

"We called his cell, it's over there," said Hotch "Seems he left in a hurry."

"PD thinks he did this?" asked Morgan shocked. _She must have been the friend he was going to meet...oh god. _Spencer thought about what it had been like for him to go into Catherine's apartment to clean after she had been attack and how he couldn't help but picture everything that did happen or could have happened to her. He could only imagine what Gideon must have felt seeing his friend dead on his bed and her blood covering the yellow walls.

"Six witnesses place him running down the street, covered in blood and waving a gun," explained Hotch.

"He was probably chasing the son of bitch who did this," said Morgan.

"Either way we're now ordered to not get in the way of the investigation...Gideon is a suspect and we're his colleagues," said Hotch. JJ sighed.

"It's a conflict of interest, there is no way they're going to ask for our help."

"And he needs that right about now," said Hotch.

"Well who spoke to him last?" asked Morgan.

"I did," admitted Hotch.

"What did he say?" asked Spencer.

"That he was late for a date," said Hotch. Spencer turned back an looked at the woman on the bed and felt for Gideon.

"Do we even know who is she?" asked Morgan.

"Gideon said she was a friend from college," said Hotch. _She was more than that..._

…...

"So can I ask about this friend?" asked Spencer when they had played to another draw. Gideon put the chess board away and shrugged.

"Her name is Sarah and she's a doctor. Why do you ask?" Spencer shrugged.

"You seem to know a great deal about my personal life lately and to be honest I don't know much about yours."

"You assume I have a personal life," said Gideon.

"You have a friend coming to dinner that doesn't work with us so I'm assuming you have one...a small one at least." Gideon grinned and nodded at a photo on a shelf. Spencer looked at it, it was an old photo. It was of a much younger Gideon and a young woman. She was tall and had long dark hair, she was laughing at something Gideon had said and he was actually smiling. The years on the job had clearly not taken their toll yet.

"She's pretty," said Spencer.

"She was the one who got away," admitted Gideon.

"Why?" asked Spencer.

"I started working for the Bureau...I got moody...distant...we wouldn't talk for days at a time. Eventually she got tired." Spencer nodded. "She finished medical school, got married and had three sons. Her husband passed away five years ago, but we stayed friends." Spencer stayed quite for a long time.

"That's not going to be you two," said Gideon.

"How do you know that?" asked Spencer. It was one of his biggest fear that she would someday realize what she had gotten herself into and find someone who could really make her happy.

"You two are stronger...stronger than you give yourselves credit for. If she wasn't strong, she wouldn't have come back. If you weren't strong than you wouldn't have been able to let her go."

"She's coming back," said Spencer.

"You couldn't be sure of that...you had to have faith," said Gideon. "Sarah and I...we didn't have the strength to carry on in the face of everything. I didn't have the strength to let her in and she ran out of strength to keep fighting me. Not you two...trust me."

…...

"We need to assess what we can while we can," said Hotch.

"Evisceration of the torso, removal of various organs, this guy is clearly a sexual sadistic psychopath," said Spencer. _Gideon is going to kill whoever did this...he tried to anyway. He was still in love with her...after all these years and everything that had happened between them._

"He's familiar with a scalpel and he's done this before. We need to get photos," said Emily.

"JJ, use your cell phone camera, get as many as quickly as you can and get them to Garcia," said Hotch. JJ nodded and the rest of them started looking around the apartment, quietly working the case around the crime scene techs.

"There's no sign of forced entry," said Hotch.

"She opened the door expecting Gideon and why wouldn't she it's his home," said Morgan.

"The Un-sub must of drugged or silenced her somehow to get her from the front door to the bedroom without any struggle," said Spencer.

"They are no defense wounds on the body," said Hotch.

Spencer had hoped his gut was wrong, but the more they profiled the worse the feeling got. This was methodical, sexual sadistic and all too familiar for his liking. Spencer couldn't stop looking at Sarah's brown eyes and knowing in some small way how Gideon felt. He failed to protect the person he cared about from the evils of this job, with him it was the addiction given to him by Tobais, for Gideon it was Frank the killer who had gotten away. Spencer cringed thinking about how much this woman had suffered and how much Gideon was hurting and blaming himself right now.

"Last time he did this all for Jane," said Spencer thinking about the only person who Frank showed anything that could be considered mercy. He was 'in love' with her...well as much as a sexual sadistic psychopath could feel for another human being.

"Something changed radically," said Hotch.

"Maybe she's dead. They had a lover's quarrel and he killed her," suggested Emily.

"If he came here looking for Gideon maybe he found them," said Spencer. _Frank had no reason to come here, he had Jane that was all he wanted. Why come after Gideon months later?_

They headed outside to study what the witnesses had seen. The streets were busy and it would explain why Gideon didn't take the shot, _even in the rage he was controlled enough to not take a shot that could hurt someone else even after seeing her like that._

"Frank had to come this way out of the crime scene...if they saw Gideon they saw Frank," said Morgan walking down the street it was a small crowd, but enough to make you rethink shooting someone.

"Well we know Frank will do anything to blend in and not stand out," said Emily.

"But the evisceration of Sarah would have left him soaked in her blood," said Spencer.

"He had access to Gideon's shower and clothes. After killing her, he simply showered and took a change of clothes," said Emily.

"Yet he left no trace of evidence at the crime scene." Hotch came up to them holding a plastic bag.

"Gideon said he dumped it on route."

"You spoke with Gideon?" asked Emily shocked. Hotch explained that Gideon had called and that he was safe and Spencer felt a small wave of relief that at least he was safe.

"Well that it's than. We can give those to Metro PD and they can clear him," said Emily.

"By the time these come back from the lab, Frank is gone," said Hotch. It was agreed to give the clothes to the MPD, but keep Gideon's location from them.

"Agent Morgan?" asked a kid skating up to them.

"What the hell?" asked Emily.

"They say beauty can cover a multitude of sins. While underneath it all we all look exactly the same." said the kid. _What the hell is this..._

"Give me Jane or I'll kill them all," said the kid. This was Frank playing with them and Spencer felt that sinking feeling in his stomach get deeper. _He lost Jane...if Jane was stopping him from killing than the question is not who is going to die...but how many?_

Gideon had told Hotch he thought he had seen Jane while they were on the phone. Finding Jane was the key to figuring out what had happened and who was Frank.

"Last time we found Frank he outsmarted us," said Emily bitterly. They had no choice but to let Frank go with Jane since he had kidnapped and dumped a bus full of small children in the middle of the desert.

"He gave us no choice," spat Derek still pissed that one sicko had managed to get away by using children has bait.

"He's not going to give us any this time," said Hotch. _This time he's using something else has a control on us, _thought Spencer.

"Frank's message was 'I'll kill them all' who is the all?" asked Spencer. _Kids, families, us..._Emily's phone rang and it was JJ asking them about a black leather book Gideon had. The first page was number, but it had been torn out of the book..._Oh god no...not that book..._

"It's his Murder Book," said Hotch.

"His Murder Book?" asked Emily confused.

"When he opens it to the front page it reminds him why he does what he does," said Hotch.

"It's a list of all the people he's saved. It has names, dates and case details..."said Spencer.

"And now Frank has the list," said Hotch sadly.

"Frank said 'I'll kill them all...that's who he's going after," said Spencer. He knew that if anyone on that list was killed by Frank, Gideon was going to blame himself. He kept that book to remind himself that even though he missed out on having a normal life and family he had given others the chance to have what he could never have. _We have to find a way...somehow to stop this._

…...

They had narrowed it down to nine possible targets. Everyone grabbed a case file and started calling people. It was hard to explain to the people on the other end what was really happening, that some mad man had their names and wanted to kill them simply because they had been saved before. Spencer hung up with one man and went to call the next on his list when he heard JJ asking for Rebecca Bryant. She had been saved by all of them over a year ago, he heard that she had finished her GED classes, was living on her own and working as a cook at a downtown restaurant. A far cry from the runaway wild child who had been locked in a basement and chained to a bed by her mentally ill father.

"He's not Agent Gideon is he?" she asked sounding slightly scared but not surprised.

"Rebecca, this is Agent Hotchner. If you can, very calmly excuse yourself and get out of the house. Can you do that?" Her breathing on the other end sounded panicked and frightened.

"Rebecca?" prompted JJ.

"What's going on!" she demanded. They heard what sounded like a stiffled cry and than a moan.

"Rebecca," said Hotch. _Not her...not after everything we went through to save her,_ thought Spencer.

"I regert to inform you that Rebecca's name should be added to a new list," said Frank.

"Frank, we do not have her. We do not have Jane," said Hotch. Spencer felt his insides freeze, there was nothing they could do now. _We gave her another year and for what...instead of dying in a fire, she gets to die in the most painful way possible for no reason at all._

"I will not stop until I have her back," he said simply like he was reading a rather boring book.

"Frank..." they heard the dial tone of the phone.

"We're going now," ordered Hotch.

…...

It only took them ten minutes to get to Rebecca Bryant's appartment, but Spencer knew it was not going to save her, maybe catch Frank, but Rebecca was going to be dead. _He took ten minutes to kill Sarah...he's not going to waste time now._

They charged into her apartment and found the phone smashed into little bits on the floor and no signs of a struggle. They opened her bedroom door and there laid Rebecca Bryant, her blood on her purple walls, blood turning her blond hair dark, her sightless blue eyes looking down at the floor. Spencer wanted to cry for her, she suffered so much and now she was gone forever. Hotch stood there and Spencer could feel the rage just coming off him in waves. _If Gideon doesn't kill Frank, Hotch just might do it._

"There was nothing we could have done to stop this," said Morgan. Emily approached the body and pulled a note out of the dead girl's hand. The three men couldn't touch her it was too painful even looking at her broke a piece of their hearts. Frank had the case details from the Murder Book, he must of known how hard they worked to save her and what the toll had been. Killing Rebecca was the most painful way to get a message to them.

"7 am Union Station," read Emily. Spencer mentally shook himself back to focus.

"All the others on the list are safe and accounted for,"said Spencer.

"We must of missed someone since he set a meeting," said Hotch quitely looking at Rebecca.

"He's going to raise the stakes. He's going to make it impossible to not trade whatever he has for Jane," said Morgan. Hotch's phone rang and it was JJ with the first good thing to happen to them in a while, they found Jane and she was heading to PD to get her.

"Ok so what did we miss," said Morgan.

"Frank is incapable of experiencing normal feelings," said Spencer. _He has no idea how painful being in the room is, he has no idea of the love and care we feel for these people_

"He takes what other people hold dear," said Morgan.

"Children," said Emily softly.

"JJ, I'm going to have Emily come with you to pick up Jane. We'll meet back at the BAU. I'm going to stay here and wait for the crime scene unit." JJ told him she would also start looking for child victims on Gideon's list and Hotch told her to look into relocations.

"On it," said JJ and she disconnected from them. Spencer couldn't stand being in that room another second looking at the dead woman on bed and smelling the copper in the air. He felt that old tingle in his arm and that voice in the back of his head whisper..._you need it...this hurts far to much._ He walked outside into the sunshine and leaned againist the building. Morgan came up to him.

"Reid...you gonna be ok?"

"We gave her another year...just another year and for what?" he asked. He wanted the numb feeling right now more than anything. He knew what he would lose if he did, but this was almost too much to carry.

"She lived Reid...in the year we gave her, she lived her life and she was happy right?" asked Morgan. Spencer nodded, she had written him that she had been accpected to a culnary school and that she was starting this fall and it was all because of them.

"And we're going to get him for this and for Sarah and for all the other people this sick bastard has hurt over the years," said Morgan.

"Yeah...yeah...let's do this," said Spencer. "I'm going to go with Emily to get Jane ok."

"Ok kid," said Morgan. Spencer got into the passagner seat and Emily said nothing, she had heard bits and pieces of the Rebecca Bryant story, enough to know that Reid had played a large part in saving her life and knew that the young agent was trying to keep himself in check. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him digging his nails into the palms of his hand and she knew that it didn't matter what male member of the team got their hands on Frank he was going to die

…...

They could hear Jane screaming down the hallway, begging to be let out, that more people were going to be hurt if she wasn't released.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" yelled another female inmate. They moved quickly down the hall and the guard unlocked the cell.

"Thank god, take this mouthy bitch out of here," snapped the inmate.

"Shut up," snapped Emily and than she looked at Jane. "Jane you remember me from Nevada?"

"I asked for Agent Gideon," cried Jane. The past few months had been rough on her, Spencer could see it in her eyes and on her face. Jane was a bit slow and could come across as creepy, but they was almost a childlike innocence to her. Now all he saw was a terrified woman that had been stripped of the innocence.

"We'll take you to him," said Emily slowly. Jane came out of the cell slowly, throwing one last dirty look and insult to the other inmate. She looked at Emily sadly.

"Agent Gideon was right you know...Frank can't feel love...he wants too but he can't. He's coming for me you know." she was shaking either from the fear or the anticipation of him coming for her and only her.

"He's already here," said Spencer. The look on her face told him that it was fear driving her right now and she started to cry.

"I didn't know...I didn't know how evil he really was."

"Let's get her back to the BAU," said Spencer. Emily nodded and she put an arm around Jane's shoulder and they left the prison together. _You poor sad woman_

…...

"He tried to kill her," said Spencer shocked. He and JJ were on a flight to New York to check out an address Garcia had found for what could be Frank's mother, she might have some more insight on her son.

"He tried to kill the only person who loved him and she still loves him. She asked Emily if it was wrong to love him," said JJ.

"What did Emily tell her?" asked Spencer trying to wrap his mind around by far one of the most disfunctional relationships he had ever heard of in his life.

"You can't choose who you fall in love with," said JJ.

"No...I guess you can't," said Spencer. JJ looked at him, he seemed really down, she had a feeling it was more than Rebecca Byrant and Gideon on his mind.

"What is it?" Spencer looked at her and he was itching the inside of his arm.

"JJ...I'll tell you when this is all over with," he said. She looked at him worried and nodded. _Case first and than the rest. _The plane landed and a police car and SUV were waiting to take them to the upper east side. The building was older, but it looked like it had been well cared for over the years. They head to the fifth floor and before they could go into the apartment, JJ stopped him.

"No matter what happens, we don't split up...clear?" she asked.

Crystal clear." They went into the apartment and Spencer was struck by the smell, like moldy fruit, but stronger. JJ cringed at the smell and gagged slightly.

"You get used to it," he muttered. They cleared the living room and kitchen area before heading to the back. The moldy fruit smell got stronger and Spencer had a feeling what they were going to find was not going to be pleasant. They went into the room and one of the officers opened the curtains and there on the bed, dead for over a year was the mother of Frank. JJ gagged again, but held it back. The other officer left the room and they could hear him retching. A faint knocking came from the closet and a whimpered cry. Spencer covered JJ while she unlocked the door and there sitting tied up was Tracy Bell, the little girl from Texas that Gideon had saved from being beaten to death with a baseball bat. Tracy started to cry harder and JJ went into the closet and she untied and ungagged the small crying child.

"Hi Tracy...you remember me and Dr. Reid?" asked JJ. She looked back and forth between them and nodded.

"You were with Agent Gideon...in the woods," she sniffed. JJ picked her up careful and they walked out the room and shut the door.

"You're safe now Tracy," said Spencer. She looked at him tear filled eyes.

"He's gone...the bad man..."

"Yeah...he can't hurt you every again," said Spencer.

"Can...can I talk to Agent Gideon...let him know that I'm ok?" asked Tracy.

"Of course you can," said JJ and she sat Tracy down and Spencer called Hotch to let him know they had Tracy and she was safe.

"Hotch."

"We have Tracy, she's ok," said Spencer.

"Frank and Jane are dead...jumped in front of train," said Hotch. Spencer gripped the phone tight. Frank was dead, but he took that sad scrap of a woman with him. At least he would no longer hurt another person.

"Tracy wants to talk to Gideon. Is he with you?" asked Spencer.

"Just a minute I'll put him on." Spencer bent down and handed Tracy the phone.

"Agent Gideon," she said softly. "Thank you...thank you..." she hung up the phone and gave it back to JJ. JJ nodded and they left the apartment.

Spencer went back down the hall and looked at the body of Frank's mother one more time...how odd that one person created another that hurt so many people. He itched his arm and sighed, it was odd how one person could hurt so many and yet how so many others were out there trying to do so much good. He thought of Gideon back in DC who had saved so many, he thought of Sarah who had treated cancer patients, he thought of JJ out in the hallway comforting Tracy Bell, he thought of Catherine across the world and the students she cared for and he thought of his own mother that while not always there cared for him. He turned his back and left the room. _For every Frank there is a Gideon, a Sarah, a JJ or a Catherine trying to save the Rebecca Bryant's and Tracy Bell's of this world...they matter...they are why I do this...my own murder book of the living._

Tracy fell asleep on the plane ride home and Spencer looked over at JJ. He wanted to come clean to someone other than Gideon or Catherine. He worried though about JJ reaction, he thought back on his childish crush on her that felt like years ago. He loved her, but it wasn't the romantic, emotional or physical connection he felt with Catherine. They was an emotional connection, but the depth of it was different in a way he really couldn't understand.

"JJ, can we talk?" asked Spencer.

"Sure," she looked up at him and he seemed so ill at ease and nervous.

"I...I need to tell you something...about what happened after Georgia." JJ stiffened in her chair, she had noticed a change in him, but was scared to ask him about it.

"I um...there is no really easy way to say this. I...for over a month I had a drug problem." JJ eyes got wide and her face went white.

"What?" she asked.

"Tobais drugged me when he had me and I took the drugs after I shot him...I did them a lot...I was high almost all the time in February and part of March."

"Oh my god Spence," gasped JJ.

"I stop...I've been clean for almost five months now...this case though has been hard. It's just thinking about how good people like Sarah and Rebecca suffer while people like Frank get hit by a train and it's over in less than a second."

"It's never easy for the good people," said JJ and she felt her heart breaking for her young friend who had been suffering without her knowing. "Spence...did Catherine know?"

"Yeah...she found out."

"She left for Japan anyway," she snapped. She couldn't understand why she left him when he was going through this.

"JJ...I told her to go...we..." he took a deep breath. "I said some horrible things to her before...I told her that I didn't love her. I mocked her inability to hear me, I stole from her, I lied to her...I just don't understand why she's still in love with me and I'm going to wonder why your still my friend after I finish telling you this." JJ took his hand and squeezed it.

"It's because your one of the good people...you can't help who you fall in love with and Catherine fell in love with you, I love you in my own way. I know this case was hard...Rebecca and Sarah didn't deserve to die the way they did...nobody does...but we just have to remember to keep those we love close. Are you ok though...you're getting help?" asked JJ.

"Yeah...I mean some days are better than others. This was a bad one...but it's going to be ok...shit..."

"What?" asked JJ surprised by his suddened outbrust.

"It's Sunday afternoon."

"Yeah."

"I was supposed to talk with Catherine last night. Every Saturday night."

"I'm sure she'll understand." She was still a little upset that his girlfriend just left him while he was going through this. Spencer heard her tone and frowned.

"Don't be mad at her for leaving. This was planned before everything happened. Besides...it made me realize just how much I really love her. She helped me through the first two months for getting clean and we worked through our issues...well I'm still working on mine." JJ looked at him and shook her head.

"She's been very good for you...you're both good for each other. It gives me hope that maybe someone is out there for me too."

…...

"I'm so sorry I missed out chat?" signed Spencer.

"What happened...I was worried about you?" asked Catherine sitting the laptop on her lap in the bedroom. She was wearing his sweater even though it was late July, she told him the house had the AC on turbo blast but he knew she was lying. It was her way of being close to him.

"We had a case...a bad one..." He filled her in on Frank and what had happened to Sarah and Rebecca. He started crying and Catherine felt her heart break for him. She put her hand on the screen and he did the same.

"Six more weeks?" asked Spencer.

"Just six more."

"I miss you so much..."

"I know...you need to get some sleep," signed Catherine. He wanted her home now...not in six weeks, but now. They said their good byes and Spencer went to bed.

Catherine sat in her bedroom for a few minutes and than went outside. It was Sunday night in Tokyo and she could see the moon, but not the stars. Had coming here been a mistake, he looked so broken and sad it hurt her to see him like this. He wanted her to do this for her and she had enjoyed herself a great deal and had learned a lot from it...but truth be told she missed home. Natsumi, Norie's mother came and sat next to her. She was so kind to her, it was so different from her own experience with her mother that it took her by surprise sometimes.

"Oh my sweet girl...you miss him don't you." She had told Natsumi some details of their relationship, not all of them. Just that Spencer worked a lot and that it was hard being so far away for so long.

"Everything just feels off, like I made a mistake coming here and I should have been home."

"He wanted you to do this though," said Natsumi.

"He did, he really did and now he just seems so lost and I feel so far away, not just physically but emotionally." Natsumi patted her hand.

"Sometimes doing the wrong thing, might be the right thing to do." She got up and left Catherine in the dark to ponder what she meant. _I have to go home...six weeks is far to long...I need to figure out how to get home earlier._

Love begins by taking care of the closest ones - the ones at home. Mother Teresa 

Notes-Ep reference-No way out-part 2-The Evilution of Frank


	25. Chapter one  part sixteen

Chapter one part sixteen

There are many truths of which the full meaning cannot be realized until personal experience has brought it home. John Stuart Mill.

Spencer parked his car outside the dark cabin and tried to steel himself for what he was going to find. It had been three an half weeks since closing the Frank case and he knew that Gideon had thrown himself back into the job, right after Sarah's funeral and Spencer found himself torn. He knew that Gideon should take some time off to think about things and to step back and mourn her loss, however he was all to familiar with what could happen if your mind went down the wrong path when you were trying to recover and the self destructive things one could do. Maybe this was his way of coping.

The August air was hot and heavy, unlike the chill he and Catherine had experienced when they were here in March. Spencer reached into his pocket and pulled out the keys Gideon had given him to the cabin. He tried to return them after their stay, but Gideon insisted he keep them.

_"Did you and Catherine enjoy it?" asked Gideon. It really hadn't been a vacation, they talked for hours, cried for hours, Catherine had gotten so mad at him at one point she shut herself in the bedroom and wouldn't talk to him and he sat outside the door and pleaded with her, even though she couldn't hear him. By the end of the week though, a peace had been made...the relationship was broken but the pieces were being picked up and glued back together. He knew they were going to cut themselves on the pieces, but it would be worth it._

_ "We worked out some things." Spencer went to hand him the keys and Gideon shook his head. _

_ "Keep them. I only go up there four or five times a year at most. If I'm not there and you have something that needs 'worked out' it's yours." Spencer was taken back by this gesture it was more than just helping him he was opening up his home and life to him. _

_ "Thank you." Really what do you say after that. Gideon looked up at him and sort of smiled._

_ "Sometimes it's just nice to not hear anything...not see a city light...just the quite and the birds." _

_ "Yeah...it was." JJ came in and called a meeting. They left the office together, the keys to the cabin in his pocket._

Spencer came in and it was pitch black. The cabin smelled of a fire that had been put out and Gideon's car wasn't in the driveway. Maybe they had missed each other, he had driven back while Spencer had driven up here. He fumbled in the dark for a lamp and he turned it on and saw on the table was an envelope, a gun and what looked like a badge holder. _What?_ Spencer walked over to the table and the envelope had been addressed to him. He sat down and numbly opened the letter.

_Spencer,_

_ I knew it would be you who came to the cabin to check on me. You must be frightened. I apologize for that. I never meant to cause you any pain._ Spencer had been worried, Gideon hadn't returned his calls, missed the plane, didn't show up for their chess night. It wasn't like him at all and Spencer feared another Elle, that he would sink so far under there would be no way to come back.

_I also never envisioned writing this letter. I've searched for a satisfactory explanation for what I'm doing, all I've come up with is a profiler needs to have solid footing, and I don't think I do anymore. The world confuses me-the cruelty, indifference, tragedy. When my dear friend Sarah was murdered it tore a hole in me and I truly believed the only way to handle the pain was to get back to our work as quickly as possible. Get on to helping somebody else. I thought I could handle Sarah's murder, work through it...but the very first case we had after was on a college campus._

Spencer thought back to three weeks ago when they had been in Arizona. School had just started and a college campus already had three murders. The case had been hard and it ended with the Un-sub getting away with murder, only to be taken down by a mentally ill student who killed another girl to get the Un-sub freed. Gideon had been the one to let the Un-sub; Nathan Tubbs, a campus security guard out and to have him tailed. When it ended with his death and the death the student Section Chief Erin Strauss blamed Hotch and Gideon. Before Gideon could meet with Strauss, Hotch went to her and took all the blame for letting Tubbs out and allowing the girl to meet with him and kill herself. Hotch had been suspended for two weeks, an investigation into his conduct was held. He was lucky to get his credentials back. But it had seriously shaken everyone up.

_You see I met Sarah on a college campus,just like that one thirty one years ago. Campuses are supposed to be of life and excitement. There supposed to be about the future...figuring out who you are and who you're going to be. It's supposed to be about dreams, not nightmares...about hope. I really don't understand the world anymore. It seems to more we try to help the worst the world gets. _

Did it...did it get worse in his eyes? It was another life saved, a life that might go on to make the world better. Spencer knew how hard it was at times to remember that, it was why he turned to the drugs. However he got a reminder when he saw Gideon's pictures, when he walked onto the high school where Catherine taught and saw the student there he helped saved. Catherine told him that young Brittany who survived her gun shot wound wanted to be an FBI agent someday, the child had just finished second grade and already a life path had been set for her that he in some way had touched.

_All homicide scenes are tragic, but when the victim is someone young, their life ripped away before they've even had a chance to live, it's devastating. While you've lived many years in your life, your not much older than those students and when I saw them, I couldn't help but think how young you really are and how we almost lost you in Georgia. It hurt to see how young you truly are and how your life was about to be ripped away. You still have a chance at life, I on the other hand have let mine slip by without much thought. I think about how I let Sarah slip by too without a thought and it pains me to think of what could have been. I am thankfully though you took a chance with Catherine, it shows a courage that I lack. I couldn't let her in to my life...she was a very bright light that I ran from._

Was it courage that he let Catherine into his life or was it because he couldn't stand being alone in the dark and was taking what he could get from the light before it left him? He loved her, he had no doubts in his mind that he loved her more than anything in this life, but was it fair to ask her to be in the darkness with him? Maybe that was why Gideon couldn't take the chance, he was to scared of seeing the light in Sarah die. Spencer had seen a part of the light in Catherine die when he told her everything he had done and how much he had hurt her. She still had that light, the hope, the belief that life and people were good, but he had dimmed it somewhat. He had brought home death, loss, the knowledge that people could and would do terrible things to each to each other with almost no reason for it. He saw it over and over again, but he had also seen people change for the better after. _Rebecca had been one of them._

_ In this line of work, I was afraid I would lose the ability to trust. But, I've realized I can't really look at anyone without seeing their death. And as bad as losing faith in humanity seems, losing your faith in happy endings is much worse. I had hoped that Sarah would have a happy ending...she had a very happy life and I hoped that it would stay that way for her. Instead she will not see her sons get married or hold her grandchildren. How many victims have we seen? How many crime scenes? A hundred, a thousand, pictures of families...victims. Both alive and dead. I was always able to stay objective, to stay at arm's length. But, now all I see is Sarah and her eyes looking at me without seeing._

Spencer knew what that was like, there were still some nights where he could see Tobais's dead eyes looking at him, through him. He had trouble sleeping after the case in Westchester, the dead girls looked at him from the leaves and he felt their pain. Spencer had always doubted in happy endings though, he had seen his parent's marriage end and a father he hadn't seen since he was ten. Even he sabotaged his own chances. Yes he got it back, but he wondered if he could hold on to it. Gideon though always had the hope in happy endings. It was why he had the Murder Book and their pictures in his office and looked at them every day, a reminder of the good things. _Did he forget? _

_I know that I have lost my faith, but please don't lose yours. I've told you before that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for and you are. Very few people could have gone through what __you did and come out the other side. I know you came back with scars and doubts, we all have them. But you were still you underneath it all, the same remarkable person I met five years ago on a college campus, still trying to figure out who you were. My scars have left me weak and broken. Nathan Tubbs was easy. But, there was a time in my career when I would have asked the question and I should have asked-Was he too easy? The biggest trap for a profiler to fall into is pride. Forgetting that for all your skills, profiling is just a tool. I gave into my pride and didn't use my tools properly. I don't see that becoming you. You're smart, but kind and while I know you take pride in how intelligent you are, you don't give into it. You did once and you saw how awful the effects were, I don't see you doing that again._

His pride in his intellect lead him to taking drugs, he felt he was too smart to become an addict, instead he almost lost everything. Gideon saw something in him that Spencer was still trying to figure out even now five years later. Being smart was one thing being strong on this job was another. Before Georgia he was sometimes sad after the cases, but he closed it off quickly and moved on to the next. Now things touched him, he felt something inside him freeze at times looking over cases, but it also pushed him to worker harder to stop the madness.

_It was like you could physically feel the mood change on the campus. Kids. They're so resilient. They trust and believe in a way I remember, but I can't reach anymore, like a very old picture. They believed in us, believed in me...Sarah believed in me. And has with Sarah, I feel like I led them right to slaughter. What was I even doing there? How many times have I told you that a profiler can not do the job if the mind is unfocused. If anything is going on in your personal life that would cloud your judgment. My mind as never been that unfocused as if was on that campus. All I saw was Sarah on that campus. I couldn't see the girls who had died, all I saw was Sarah and a look of disappointment. It was the disappointment in myself that I saw on her face. Did I let a loin loose against the babies? Was my judgment clouded by my need to make someone pay for Sarah's death. Yes Frank is dead, but there is no justice for her._

He had been unfocused in the past and it had caused him trouble, but his personal life now gave him another reason to want to do his job better. He wanted to do his job to keep people like Catherine safe. Gideon had wanted to do this job to keep people like Sarah safe, with her death by the hands of a killer he let walk Gideon must of felt like a failure and Spencer had a feeling, but Gideon knew how to hide it well and Spencer didn't know how to reach him. He could only imagine the hurt and loss Gideon felt after her death. When Catherine had left him, it was like a part of him died and he missed her. She was still alive though and he could make it up to her, Gideon could never make it right again for Sarah and that tore him up.

_Two more dead. Was it a price that needed to be paid. Is death ever worth it? Was the world always this gray? Is it only in the movies that it's black and white? Is that just an illusion? I used to know. I used to understand my place, my direction, where I was headed. Now I feel lost. Profiling requires belief in the profile, belief in yourself. After Sarah I no longer trust myself, but after Tubbs I no longer trust myself in the field and without that I have nothing. I still had faith in my team, my family, but Hotch taking the blame for me, I didn't lose faith in my team. I lost my faith in protecting my family. I couldn't protect Sarah and I have failed repeatedly in protecting my team and family. I let six men die in Boston, Elle Greenway was shot and killed a person, I watched you die all, and Hotch lose his place on the team because of my ego and by not using my tools the way they were meant to be used. I think of the families those men left behind, I wonder how Elle sleeps at night -if she sleeps. I think about how Catherine and this team would have handled your loss. But the last domino was Hotch being suspended over something that was my fault. I said at the beginning of this letter that I knew it would be you to come up here. I'm sorry the explanation couldn't be better, and I am so sorry that it doesn't make more sense. But, I've already told you. I just don't understand any of it anymore. I'm leaving the BAU for good this time...but to do that, I must cut my ties to that life now and that includes leaving my family behind. I know that you're going to be angry with me and deserve that for leaving like a coward __in the night. But if you really and truly need me, please don't hesitate to call me. I guess I'm just looking for it again...that belief I had back in college. The belief I had when I first met Sarah and it all seemed so right. The belief in happy endings. _

_ I ask that you not lose your faith in happy endings though, I ask that you hold on to the love and the light in your life and to not let it go or turn away from it. I've told you before that you and Catherine are stronger than what you give yourselves credit for and while I have lost most of the faith in happy endings, you two give me a reason to want to find it again._

_ Jason_

Spencer sat there in shock for the longest time. Gideon was gone and gone for good this time. He had left him with nothing but a letter just like his father had done over fifteen years ago. He was angry. Angry that he hadn't seen the signs, angry at Gideon for just quitting when he had pushed him so hard to never quit. Angry that in the end everyone just leaves.

…...

Catherine was repacking her bag, hoping to fit the last few items in the bag. Norie came in and was holding an envelope.

"I picked up your final results. Dr. Shiba was sad that you're leaving early, but she understands that your family must come first. Your test results, onesan." _Onesan, sister...I always wanted one._ Catherine took the envelope and pulled out her results, her final GPA was a 3.8. Her JSL scores ended up being a 94, her spoken a 95 and her cultural project was 98.

"You know if anything, I think he's going to be mad that I didn't get perfect grades." Norie laughed.

"I think in a past life your boyfriend was a Japanese parent. It would explain his need for you to have perfect grades...you really love him don't you?"

"Yeah...yeah I do." It had taken two weeks to convince the program directors to let her go home early. They argued that she was going to miss out by not staying the last few weeks, they couldn't promise her full credit now and that it was a shame she was going to miss out. But they understood, if she had a family issue at home that needed to be taken care of and she was determined to go than there was nothing they could do to stand in her way. They thanked her for her time, let her take a final exam from the course load she had finished and she turned in her final paper. It was a pain in the ass to exchange her ticket for an earlier flight home, but after three weeks of pleading, test taking, and saying good bye to her new friends and family she was heading home. She was making the right choice, the last few e-mails had been short and distant and the last time they web cam-ed he wasn't himself. She was needed at home now. She had a feeling that he might be upset with her leaving with only three weeks left, but she couldn't stay here if her heart was no longer in it and it wasn't. It was back in DC with Spencer. She hadn't told him or anyone back in DC that she was coming home, she wanted it be a surprise.

"You know if he messes this up...my brother is always free and he's a real doctor." Catherine laughed and shoved that last few items in her bag and zipped it up.

"I don't know if I can live forever in a country where a large cup of coffee is a small at best," teased Catherine and Norie laughed. Catherine and Monica had been shocked the first time they ordered coffee and it came in really small cups unlike the bucket sized cups they were used too in the States. Norie stood up and hugged Catherine, a sign of how close they really had become.

"Please take care of yourself onesan." Catherine hugged her back.

"Thank you."

…...

Spencer sat at his desk the next morning studying the letter Gideon had wrote him and was trying to make sense of it really. Why did he only write it to him? Why didn't he say good bye to everyone. Sure Garcia and JJ would have cried, Hotch and Morgan would have hidden behind their alpha male personalities and Emily would hide behind her facade, but they were a family and he didn't say good bye. Garcia was cleaning out his office right now and she came out with a box of stuff.

"He left everything but the photographs," she said sadly.

"He always said those were like his family," said Spencer reading the letter again. _He came back for those, but he couldn't say good bye in person?_

"Gee what are we going to do with all this," she muttered walking to her office with the box.

"Maybe we can send it to him?" suggested Emily.

"He didn't leave a forwarding address," said Spencer.

"Are you sure?" asked Morgan.

"If he did it's not here," said Spencer and he shoved the letter into his bag and headed up to the meeting room for the briefing. They were heading to Oregon for their next case and Spencer welcomed it, he didn't want to think about Gideon and his leaving even after coming off such a horrible case in Milwaukee he needed to keep busy now and ignore that itch in his arm and the pain in his heart. He hated to admit, even to himself that Gideon was more of a father to him than his own and once again his father left him to pick up the pieces. Hotch came into the room and addressed them all.

"I know that we've all been wondering what this is about and I've known Jason for many years and I can tell you...I have no idea." _Well join the no idea club sir,_ thought Spencer. No one had seen this coming and after being together for years the fact that he would just walk away spoke volumes about how bad he really was. "But, that doesn't matter right now, what matters is that we're here and we're going to get through this," said Hotch. He laid out the case details, a mass grave with bodies from six months ago had been uncovered with four bodies, each with different causes of death and different sexes and ages. _Just get through this case...and the next one..and the next one..._Catherine hadn't e-mailed him in two days, but than again he hadn't e-mailed her either so he had no clue what was going on. _Everyone leaves...and it's always me they leave._

…_..._

Her Tokyo flight had been late leaving, so she missed her connecting flight to DC and was now stuck here for another day. It felt good to be back in the States though. To see TV in English, signs in English, to order a large cup of coffee and have it be the large size she was expecting it to be. She sat down at the coffee shop and took a long sip of the coffee. _Oh sweet American coffee I missed you._ _Spencer wouldn't survive in Japan...he would have to order several pots of coffee just to get his normal dose of caffeine._ She bought a newspaper and it took her a second to remember it was in English and to read it from left to right not the right to left way she had been for the past few weeks. She took a bite of her chocolate dount..._chocolate another great American treat _and started to read the paper. Stocks were down, Brittany Spears was going crazy, four unsolved murders had happened and the FBI was being called in. She almost choked on her dount...FBI...the BAU...Spencer was either here or on his way here and she couldn't believe her luck..._no...no not now, he's working and he needs to keep his focus. Besides it could be another team. _Catherine finished her coffee and decided to head back to her hotel room that the airline had given her to make up for missed flight. She walked out of the shop and turned to her right just as Spencer and Emily came from the opposite direction looking for the laundry mat that the last victim used.

…...

Something about the way the woman in front of him was walking sparked something in the back of Spencer's mind, but he needed to work on this case. _People being killed by their fears...I hate the dark...being alone...at least I wouldn't be burned or drowned the way the other victims are._

"So Hotch is even more intense now that Gideon is gone," said Emily trying to joke. Hotch was even harder on them now that they had another victim. He and Emily were heading to one of the places the victim had used to see how the Un-Sub found his victims.

"Yeah, I've noticed," said Spencer.

"You think that's going to change?"

"I'm sure we'll find out."

"What about you? Are you ok?" asked Emily turning to look at with concern. _Oh really...you too..Morgan, JJ and Garcia are one things, but you too. I thought you were past babying me. I need one person on this team other than Hotch not babying me._

"I'm great." _My mentor leaves me a Dear John letter, my girlfriend is over 3000 miles away and I'm close to six months being clean and I have no clue how I got here without going out of my mind._

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"What's there to talk about?" asked Spencer.

"Gideon," prompted Emily.

"Oh...no...he left a letter explaining everything. Just like my dad did when he abandoned me and my mom," he sounded bitter and he was bitter about it. How hard was it to say goodbye face to face with him? No one ever did. Catherine did when she left for Japan, but when she left to marry Paul there had been a letter. _Give Spencer my best_ was all she had to say and she couldn't say it to his face. Here he was again, another good bye and another letter. Was it him...was there something about him that people just needed to get away from and not look back?

"He addressed it to you," said Emily just stating a fact. She knew there had been a letter, but what it said was something Spencer was keeping to himself.

"Yeah...yeah, you know Gideon stood toe to toe with some of the...the sickest people on this planet. I mean it took a lot of courage right?" asked Spencer.

"Yeah." Spencer reached into his bag and pulled out the four sheets the letter had come on and frowned.

"So why did he do this? It's addressed to me, but I'm not...I'm not the only one he abandoned." Gideon had left them all and for no reason. He could still stay in touch with them, but he ran away. He looked into the eyes of people like Frank and so many other killers, he looked into the eyes of victims and their families to comfort them and yet he couldn't look them in the eyes and say goodbye.

"Why is it addressed to you? I think you need to read that letter again," said Emily softly like she was talking to a child.

"I have an eidetic memory, Emily." _I can recite this damn thing in my sleep._

"Yeah, I know and an IQ of 187. But, what do you remember about your father?"

"What do you mean?"

"He gave you ten years before he left and yet you've erased all those memories. And it's too painful, I get that," she said seeing the look on Spencer's face and it reminded her Texas when he snapped at her. "But then Gideon leaves. I think you need to read that letter again and ask yourself why, of all the people, he walked away from...did he only explain himself to one person...you."

She went into the coffee house leaving Spencer there to think about what she had said. He remembered his father's favorite author, that he always wore suits to work and that near the end he was never there. He had forgotten his father, but it was because he had forgotten him. Gideon was trying to make sure that Spencer didn't forget him, because Gideon wasn't going to forget him. _I don't think I could even if I tried. _Gideon had helped him overcome several of his fears and helped him become the person he was today. It had been the same way with Catherine, he had tried to forget about her after she had gotten married and left him. He had tried to forget her again when she left him over the drugs and he couldn't. It was odd that he could forget his father, but not Gideon or Catherine. _It's because they will someday be back in your life. They left deeper impressions on me than he did, because they came back._

…...

They were able to save the last victim from Dr. Howard who had tried to bury the young woman alive. The doctor though had taken the weak way out by jumping off the building. He curled up, closed his eyes and tried to sleep. Catherine hadn't e-mailed him yet and it was almost four days. He was tempted to call her host family in Japan to see if something had happened. He knew that his last few e-mails had been vague and distant she was probably upset with him, but she always stayed in touch with him. He reached into his bag and pulled out his MP3 player to listen to some music. Ethan had sent him some music he recorded with some artist at another club last month

_And so it is/Just like you said it would be/Life goes easy on me/Most of the time/And so it is/The shorter story/No love, no glory/No hero in her sky. I can't take my eyes off of you/I can't my eyes off of you. _

_I miss you...god three more weeks..._

…_..._

Spencer was going to get a ride home with Garcia and was outside waiting for her. When he got home he was going to call the Iwata's and find out if something had happened to Catherine. If not he needed to figure out why she hadn't contacted him in four days. Granted he hadn't been on top of his e-mailing, but this wasn't like her.

"I'm not sure we're going to be ok," he heard a voice call out teasing. _No...she's not supposed to be home for another three weeks._ He turned and there Catherine stood, the red was still in her hair, but it was much lighter and it was much prettier now. She was wearing her hair in two braided pigtails, a pair of black capri's and a white tee shirt with a black cat on it. Her suitcase next to her

"This has nothing to do with you," signed Catherine and Spencer just stood there looking at her.

"I miss cheeseburgers and chocolate...I want real chocolate, not the Pocky chocolate I've been munching on for the past couple of weeks." He just couldn't stop looking at her, his mouth was hanging open he just couldn't find words.

"And coffee oh my god I missed coffee. They have just little cups of coffee. I want to order a large and have it be a large coffee. Like a bucket of coffee. Oh and I am sooo sick of noddles...I don't wanna eat another noddle as long as I live." _Oh my god you're here...you're home._

"Oh rice and fish. I'm so sick of both of those things. I want a fatty greasy burger and some fries and oh my god why am I still talking and why are you not kissing me? I flew over twenty hours, had a day layover and I've been waiting here for over two hours since I didn't have the keys to get into the apartment and they told me you were gone." Spencer closed the distance between them quickly and looked down at her.

"You're home," he signed and she nodded. "You left...why?"

"Because I needed to be here." He couldn't figure out what to say. She was right, he had wanted...needed her to come home for weeks now and he couldn't ask her. That it would selfish to ask that of her.

"Are you mad that I came home early?" asked Catherine looking worried.

"No...I..." Spencer bent down and kissed her. He felt her wrap her arms around his neck and pull him in for more. She broke it and looked up him.

"I missed you," she said.

"I missed you too," he muttered and he kissed her again. She tasted like coffee and chocolate and he just wanted her so much.

"Yeah...kiss her...kiss her good," called Garcia. Spencer broke the kiss and looked over to see not only Garcia standing there, but also Morgan, JJ, Emily and Hotch. Catherine turned bright red and looked at the ground.

"Damn pretty boy, I didn't think you were going to come up for air," teased Morgan.

"He's being an ass isn't he?" asked Catherine.

"He's jealous," said/signed Spencer. Garcia came up to them and hugged Catherine tightly.

"Oh welcome home," she signed.

"Thank you," signed Catherine. Emily and JJ came up and welcomed her home. Hotch said good night to them and welcomed Catherine home. Morgan just shook his head.

"Remember to come up for air," teased Morgan before leaving.

"Shut up," said Spencer. Catherine giggled and looked up him.

" It's nice to see somethings never change," teased Catherine.

"You still need a ride home?" asked Garcia.

"I think that we're just going to get a cab...and..." Garcia just smirked. "Night."

"Night," signed Catherine.

"Night," said Spencer. Garcia left them and Spencer took her hand and picked up one of her bags.

"Let's go home," signed Spencer.

…...

Catherine sat her bags down she was so happy to be home. Spencer couldn't stop smiling, it reached his eyes. It felt like some weight had been lifted off his chest, she was ok and home with him.

She started upbraiding her pigtails and sat down in a chair.

"I wanted to surprise you," signed Catherine.

"Yeah you did," admitted Spencer sitting across from her.

"I just...I need to be here. I just...something felt off you know. It felt like you needed me here," signed Catherine. "Even though you wouldn't say it."

"I didn't know how to say it. Let's just say it's been a long couple of weeks and I just really, really wanna be with you right now." _She came back to me...she came home to me...she's home. _

"Ok," she signed. "I'm starving." she got up and he watched her walk to the kitchen and it clicked in his head. _Her...the layover..._Spencer followed her to the kitchen and she was sitting on the counter eating a bag of chips.

"You...were you in Portland?" She nodded.

"I had a day layover since I missed the first flight back."

"I saw you...well I saw you walking away from a coffee shop...your back." She giggled.

"I wanted coffee so badly...Japan has such tiny cups of coffee. You wouldn't survive a day in that country." Spencer laughed and took a chip from her.

"I survived 70 days, 15 hours, 26 minutes and 30 seconds without you."

"God you are a nerd."

"Yes...yes I am." Catherine grabbed the chips and headed back to the living room. He sat down next her, he was so happy to have her home.

"I really missed you," signed Spencer.

"You look better," signed Catherine.

"I feel better. A lot better." Catherine smiled and he found himself at lost for words. For the first time in weeks he felt calm. He was still reeling from Gideon leaving, but at least he her back. _Don't run from the light._ He leaned over and kissed her hard, parting her mouth with his tongue and tasting her. All he wanted more than anything was to be in the light.

…...

Catherine put her head on his shoulder and held his hand. Spencer rolled over and looked at her.

"Don't leave again." She closed her eyes and held his hands.

"I won't," said Catherine softly. He smiled and let her go to sleep and for the first time in weeks, he slept soundly.


	26. Chapter two  part one

Chapter two-part one

All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quite room alone. Balise Pascal

Spencer unlocked the door and was struck by several things at all once. One was that several boxes had been unpacked, a pile of books were on the floor and that Catherine had fallen asleep on the sofa next to one of the boxes. He sat his bag down and went over to her. He careful put a hand on her shoulder and shook her gently. She stirred and looked up at him half asleep.

"Hey sleepy." She sat up.

"I've been up since four, I taught two classes, had a Council meeting, a Union meeting and have been unpacking since I came home. What time is it?" asked Catherine.

"It's ten o clock on a Friday night," signed Spencer.

"God I'm old," signed Catherine. Spencer helped her off the sofa and studied the apartment. It looked almost completely unpacked and clean. They had moved into the new apartment a few weeks ago and Spencer had been slammed with cases so he really hadn't been here to help with unpacking or set up. The new apartment had been his idea, Catherine had given hers up before going to Japan and had been staying at his. However, he felt if they were going to live together it needed a fresh start and not live in an apartment where he had been doing drugs and caused their relationship to almost end. It took some time to find one that was between both their jobs and near the Metro. Catherine had gotten used to subways during her time in Tokyo and started taking the Metro too. It was another thing he could look forward to, they took the same subway to the main station and than went on separate subs to work.

"You have dinner yet?" asked Spencer.

"Leftovers are in the fridge," signed Catherine. Spencer went to get some dinner when his phone went off. He swore that if it was another case so soon after what they had just seen in Florida he was going to scream. It was JJ.

"Reid," he answered.

"Spence," it sounded like JJ, only she sounded like she had a cold.

"JJ?"

"Are you sitting down?" she asked.

"What's going on?" he didn't like the tone of this conversation was taking.

"Penelope...she was shot."

"What!" Catherine looked towards the kitchen and was struck by how quickly his body language had changed from relaxed to all out panic. He wasn't facing her so she couldn't make out what was being said but he grabbed a piece of paper, scribbled something out and hung up the phone. He had lost all color in his face and that was saying something.

"What's wrong?" asked Catherine

"We have to go now," he ordered.

"Go where?" she asked. He looked near tears, had something happened to Diana.

"Something happened to Garcia...she's at the hospital."

"Did she have a car accident?" It seemed like the most sane reason in Catherine's mind.

"She was shot." Catherine looked at him confused, he had clearly messed up his signing she thought he signed 'shot'

"No...that's the wrong sign. You mean this one," and she signed the word for 'car crash.' He shook his head no.

"She was shot...we need to go. Now!" Catherine blindly grabbed her shoes and purse. She followed Spencer out of the apartment and he hailed a cab. He handed the driver the slip of paper and fell back in the seat. Spencer was shaking and trying not to cry, Catherine was shocked beyond tears. Garcia._..who would shoot her. A mugging...she would have given them her purse. Hell she probably even take them shopping and than out to lunch. It doesn't make any sense. _The drive felt like it took forever and when they got there Spencer dashed ahead of her and Catherine had to almost sprint to keep up with him. He was talking to JJ and Hotch by the time she got there. Emily and Rossi weren't far behind them. _Where's Morgan, _thought Catherine.

JJ went to talk to a doctor and Spencer was on his phone. _He must be calling Morgan. _She turned and looked at Hotch who was talking to Rossi. Rossi had his back to her, but she was facing Hotch and she could make out the words-_Doesn't look good_ and Catherine sat down in a chair. Spencer said something to group. She was guessing that Morgan wasn't picking up by the pissed off look on Emily's face. Spencer sat down next to her and Catherine reached over and took his hand. He didn't look at her, just stared at a spot on the wall, Emily and JJ were sitting next to each other holding hands while Rossi and Hotch just paced aimlessly. Time started to drag on endlessly.

Hours passed, Spencer or someone else would try to call Morgan and than hang up looking torn between sadness and rage that he couldn't be reached. It was closed to one in the morning when Morgan came up to the waiting room. She watched him talked, she was getting a little better at lip reading with this group and it looked like he said something about church. _On a Friday...that can't be right._

Spencer told him something and than Morgan looked pissed. She could make out the word-cops, he was clearly asking if the cops had anything. Hotch had his back to her so she couldn't make out his response. She wanted to ask Spencer what was being said , but she didn't want to be a bother to him right now. A man in blue scrubs came out and walked towards them. _Garcia_ he said or that's what it looked like, her guess was right when everyone stood up and looked at this man. Catherine couldn't make out the words, but when JJ smiled, their body language shifted from tense to relaxed and Spencer gave a sort of smile. She assumed that Garcia was going to be ok. She had to be sure through and she touched Spencer's arm.

"She's ok?" asked Catherine. His eyes were watery and he nodded yes. _Oh thank god!_

"She needs rest, but we can see her in the morning." Hotch addressed the group and Catherine was once again at the loss, he was talking to fast for her to catch it. She stepped back from the group and than walked down the hall without anyone noticing her leaving.

…...

"Rossi and I will go to the scene. I think the rest of you should be here when she wakes up. I don't care about protocol or if we're working this case official or unofficial. We're not taking any new cases until we find out who did this," said Hotch. Spencer agreed. He wouldn't be able to focus on any new cases until they found who shot Garcia. _It doesn't make any sense. She wouldn't have fought back. Well maybe if it had been her Hello Kitty bag, but she knows better. She would have given them what they wanted and maybe even more. _He sat down and watched as Hotch and Rossi left the waiting room. JJ went to go handle some of Garcia's paperwork and Morgan and Emily were talking.

"You were at church?" asked Emily confused.

"I just needed to think...that case just got into my head," admitted Morgan. The case had been a bad one, a guy had been killing women for years and eating them. The last victim had been cooked into a pot of soup and fed to the people looking for her. Spencer was surprised that he had still wanted dinner after that.

"Ok," said Emily. They sat back down and Spencer found his mind drifting. Garcia was one of the most out there, but sweetest person he had ever met. The thought that anyone would hurt her was beyond him.

"Where's Catherine?" asked Emily.

"What?" asked Spencer his mind still in a fog.

"Catherine...she was here a minute ago wasn't she?" asked Emily feeling guilty suddenly for not noticing the younger woman's departure from the group. Spencer kicked himself for not noticing she had left and for not keeping her in the loop about what was going on. She had been working on her lip reading skills, but it only got her so far at times and he had a feeling at a time like this it wasn't getting her far at all. Garcia was her friend too and Spencer was starting to find that he Garcia was becoming a larger part of his personal life outside of work and he really like it.

"I'll go look for her," said Spencer and he headed down the hall.

…...

Catherine walked into the hospital chapel. It was so late that no one was in here. Catherine took a seat in one of the center pews. She and Garcia had made plans for this evening earlier this week, but than Catherine had gotten called into a teacher's union meeting and sent her a text about maybe meeting up later.

_That's ok Kitty...I was going to ask you for a rain check. I managed to score a really hot date. Details to follow. ^-^ _ Was the reply she got from Garcia. Catherine got a giggle at the text and couldn't wait to hear the details from her. She had gone home after the meeting and started working on unpacking. She didn't get a text from Garcia so she assumed the date had gone well. _Oh god they didn't say anything about a guy. Maybe she was walking to her car when it happened and he wasn't with her. What kind of ass doesn't walk a girl to a her car anyway. _The chapel didn't have candles you could light they had the ones that were electric. Safety_ first_, thought Catherine idly. She got up, placed a donation in the box and turned one on. _Let her be ok._

She went back to her seat and her mind started to wonder, they're were times like this she really wanted to hear, even a little. She knew they didn't mean to leave her out of the conversation. It was like an invisible wall sometimes and other people forgot it was there. Her father had looked into surgery when she was younger to see if the loss could be repaired, he deemed the risk to great and the chances of her gaining any hearing back slim. She had looked into again few years ago and while the risk was smaller, the odds of her restoring any hearing were about the same. Not to mention all the prep needed to be considered and rehab she would need after. Besides, this is was who she was and always had been and she liked who she was. It was just small moments like this that made her wonder. She felt a hand on her shoulder and jumped a mile. An older white man with gray hair going white was sitting next her.

"Sorry did I scare you?" he signed/said

"Um...yeah...sorry," she signed.

"Why are you apologizing I snuck up on you. You can't hear that well can you?" he signed.

"That obvious huh...you know sign?" she asked.

"My son in law is Deaf too. I'm here for my wife. Why are you here?'

"My friend was in an accident." She couldn't bring herself to say shot.

"My wife has cancer. Doesn't seem fair she never smoked or drank a day in her life. I don't see too many people down here this time of night and you looked like you could use some company. God look at me going a mile a minute without a name. Name's Robert

"Catherine." He shook her hand. She looked over and noticed a walker was outside the pew. It was covered in pink and purple streamers and had fake flowers all over it. "That's festive." He laughed.

"My granddaughters did it for my wife's birthday a few days ago. I would have taken it off by now, but my wife Ellie won't let me. She says it makes the girls happy. 'Oh Bobby stop being such a spoil sport and let the girls have there fun!' I wouldn't mind if they had used camo paper, but no such luck." Catherine grinned.

"That sounds like something my friend would say." She could easily see Garcia wrapping a walker in pink crepe paper and making Morgan use it for her own amusement. She sniffed and wiped her eyes.

"Worried about your friend?" asked Robert.

"She's just the sweetest person and I just can't believe anyone would hurt. It just sucks," she signed.

"Always the nice people who seemed to get screwed over," signed Robert.

"Yeah. So you come here a lot?"

"I have trouble sleeping...so I come down here, talk to man upstairs and hope that maybe this time I'll get an answer about why my Ellie." He held up his hand and a old wedding ring was on his left hand. "Forty five years of marriage next month."

"Congrats."

"What about you..you're cute. Got anyone special." _My best friend gets shot and I'm having a two am chat with a pink walker guy. Garcia is going to love this story._

"Yeah.." Robert looked behind him.

"Tall bean pole looking guy with long hair. Kind of geeky and scrawny looking. Are you feeding that boy?" Catherine looked back and saw Spencer standing there.

"He eats a ton, you wouldn't know by looking at him." Robert reached over and grabbed his walker and pulled himself out of the pew.

"Well you two have a nice chat. You get lonely come see me in room 765, Oncology wing. Bring your friend when she gets better. Gets lonely sometimes." Robert headed out. He got to the door and looked up at Spencer. Spencer made a face and Robert patted his arm and walked himself out. Spencer walked over and sat next to her.

…...

He had a feeling that Catherine would come to the chapel. _Not that hard to profile. _He also had a feeling of why she had come down here in the first place. He found her sitting there with an older man. The door squeaked when you opened and the older man looked back at him.

Tall bean pole looking guy with long hair. Kind of geeky and scrawny looking. Are you feeding that boy?" He signed. He was pulling himself out of the pew and reaching for a walker wrapped in pink and purple paper and fake flowers.

"He eats a ton, you wouldn't know by looking at him," signed Catherine.

"Well you two have a nice chat. You get lonely come see me in room 765, Oncology wing. Bring your friend when she gets better. Gets lonely sometimes." He headed towards the door with his brightly colored walker. He stopped and looked up at Spencer.

"Boy did you get waaayyy above your level," he said with a slight southern accent.

"I can hear you," said Spencer trying to figure out what this old man with the pink walker was talking about.

"Yeah...that was point." He laughed and headed out of the chapel. Spencer shook his head and took a seat with Catherine.

"You disappeared on us," signed Spencer.

"Sorry." He took her hand and they sat there for a moment.

"You couldn't follow what was going on and you felt like you were in the way. You weren't in way and don't ever think you are," signed Spencer. Catherine sighed.

"Yeah. Are you guys are going to work on Garcia's case?" He knew that they were going to need to have a serious talk when things settled down. She was getting better at lip reading, but it was no substitute for signing and he knew that. He zoned out and it had isolated her from what was going on. Garcia was her friend too and she had just as much stake in this had they did.

"Hotch and Rossi went to her apartment and the rest of us are staying here so she's not alone when she wakes up. We're going to catch this guy." She squeezed his hand.

"Thank you. We should get back." They stood up and decided to get coffee for everyone.

"So what was with the pink walker guy?" asked Spencer. Catherine smiled.

"A story that Garcia is going to love when she wakes up."

…...

A few hours later the doctor came to tell them that she was awake. JJ went up to Garcia first with tears in her eyes and kissed her forehead.

"No tears. I think if I start crying I'll get unstapled," muttered Garcia. Spencer looked over at Catherine to see if she was following along. Her and Garcia spent the most time together so it would be easier for her to follow what she was saying. She nodded, but stood off to one side letting them have their time with her first.

"How are you feeling?" asked Morgan.

"Confused...stupid and in pain," said Garcia looking at Morgan.

"Are you up for some questions?" asked JJ.

"I never saw it coming. He was so deliciously normal," said Garcia bitterly.

"You know the guy," said Spencer shocked. Catherine looked shocked too. Garcia looked at Morgan was near tears.

"You were right, not to trust it." Catherine's eyes got wide and she looked at floor pissed off. _What's that about, _thought Spencer.

"That guy I told you about. The one I met at the coffee shop...I wanted to believe that he was interested in me. I let my guard down. Guess this is what I get for bailing on Girl's Night In," Garcia signed the last part of Catherine and Morgan looked at Catherine.

"You knew who she was with last?" Morgan said it too fast and Catherine looked confused. He looked annoyed and he signed it.

"No, not really," said Garcia.

"She told she had a date...I was going to cancel anyway because of a teacher's meeting. But when she didn't text me last night I thought that meant the date was going well," signed Catherine and repeated by Emily.

"You didn't think to tell us that?" asked Morgan.

"No one asked," signed Catherine.

"Don't be mad at her...she didn't know," said Garcia.

"We've been chasing an unknown mugger when we could had a lead already," snapped Morgan. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out he was pissed off and that he was going to explode however since the person who hurt his baby wasn't in the room so the any target was going to do.

"I didn't think about it," said Catherine looking at the floor. She was mad at herself now for not thinking about it. She figured it was a date with another agent or tech person not some random guy who shot his dates.

"Do you have any idea why he would have done this?' asked Emily trying to head Morgan off before he blew up. It wasn't Garcia's or Catherine's fault that this guy did this.

"Did he threaten you or did he want something?" asked Spencer. Garcia choked up.

"I just thought he liked me." She was trying not to cry and was clearly in a great deal of pain. JJ decided to end this now. Garcia was in pain, Morgan was pissed, Catherine was pissed at herself and JJ knew nothing helpful was going to come of this right now in their emotional states.

"We're going to come back in a little while ok," said JJ.

"We'll need a name first," said Emily.

"James Colby Baylor." Emily nodded and JJ nodded her head towards the door. They turned leave and Spencer could see Catherine was ready to run so he took her hand before she could.

"JJ," called Garcia. "Can you stay here a minute...and tell my Kitty to come back. I want her to stay with me." _Kitty, her nickname for Catherine. _Spencer pulled her back and made her look at him.

"I'm sorry...I didn't think..." Spencer cut her off.

"It wasn't your fault you didn't know...Garcia is asking for you though. Do you think you could stay with her? I'll talk to Morgan." Catherine nodded and waited for JJ to leave the room before going back in. JJ came out and hugged her.

"This is not your fault ok. We didn't ask you if you knew anything. Give Morgan time to cool off. Go on, she waiting for you." JJ's signing was getting better so Catherine could follow. JJ hugged her again and Catherine went back into the room. She felt so damn stupid for not mentioning the date to Spencer, it could have helped her. Garcia looked up and gave Catherine a tired smile.

"I will never bail on Girl's Night In again! I promise," signed Garcia. Catherine took a seat next to her.

"From now on...I will text you to make sure your dates are going ok," signed Catherine.

"Not your fault, I didn't tell you his name so even if you did tell them it wouldn't have made a difference. Besides most dates don't end with you getting shot...Derek is just overprotective. After all I am his Tech Goddess." Catherine fiddled her her necklace and wished she didn't feel so horrible.

"Hey...hey Kitty...I made JJ promise to not treat me like a victim and now I want you to promise that you're not going to be a sad sack. You are one of the few normal people around here who isn't tied down with this job and you always make me laugh. I need a laugh right now, but not a big one I don't want to tear my staples. I don't wanna think about this right now so can you help me out." Catherine wiped her eyes.

"When you are allowed to leave this room I have someone you should meet."

"I don't want to meet anyone new. New people suck."

"Oh trust me...his wheels are a sight to behold."

…...

Morgan was pissed and Spencer knew that, but blaming himself and others wasn't going to help.

"You need to calm down," said Spencer as Morgan punched a nurse's white broad.

"Don't tell me what to be," snapped Morgan and Spencer took a step back. He didn't think Morgan would hit him, but he wasn't going to take the chance.

"Do you remember anything she said about him?" asked Spencer. Morgan hung his head, he had been blaming Catherine for not coming forward when she probably knew the same amount he did which was nothing.

"No." Emily had stepped away to use the nurse's phone to contact Hotch and was now back.

"Hotch thinks he used a Revolver."

"Who uses a Revolver?" asked Morgan.

"Someone who doesn't want to leave shell casings behind as evidence," said Spencer.

"What about witnesses?" asked Morgan.

"None so far. He staged it to look like a robbery," said Emily.

"Which means if he's smart enough to use forensic counter measures the odds are the name he gave Garcia is probably bogus," said Spencer. JJ walked up to them and Spencer watched Catherine take her place.

"What did she say?" asked Spencer.

"She made me promise to not treat her or talk about her like a victim." Spencer watched them sign back and forth and Garcia give her a small smile.

"I'm going to head back to the BAU and start running his name," said Emily.

"I'm going pick up some of her things from her apartment. Clothes and stuff," said JJ. The two women left, leaving Morgan and Spencer to watch over Garcia. Morgan went and stood outside the door watching a nurse change the saline bag.

"I asked her to go out last night, but she was pissed at me," said Morgan. Spencer had watched the Morgan/Garcia relationship for years now and while the two did have a rather humorous sexual tension, he knew they would never cross that line. Morgan valued her friendship too much to cross the line. Garcia would never cross that line with Morgan for the same reason. They loved each other, but being in love was another level that they would toy with but never grasp. If things didn't work out they could never go back and he knew they feared losing that too much.

"She blew me off," said Morgan.

"So you ended up in church?" asked Spencer. He knew that Morgan had been very against working with a local pastor on the last case and while they had never really discussed religion he had an idea that Morgan believed in God and really didn't like him all that much. Spencer didn't blame him, his father was killed in front of him and the only other person he trusted sexual abused him if you can't find someone to blame than blame God.

"Yeah...what does it mean? On the one hand had she gone out with me she wouldn't have got shot. On the other hand...what are the odds that they first time I pray in twenty years she's on the table?" asked Morgan and even Spencer couldn't give him the odds. A nurse came up to them.

"She's asking for you."

"Thank you," said Spencer. The nurse turned and left. "You really want to do this interview?"

"I have to," said Morgan and they walked into the room. Catherine eyed Morgan carefully and than turned to Spencer.

"I'm gonna go and get you guys some coffee and breakfast ok. Or do you need to me take off for awhile?"

"Give us an hour or so and than come back ok." signed Spencer. Catherine turned back to Garcia and gave her a tired smile.

"No being a sad sack," said/signed Garcia. Catherine gave her a mock salute before leaving. Morgan watched the retreating back of the younger woman and felt like an ass. Reid hadn't called him on it yet, but he knew that he had seriously hurt her feelings. He would apologize later, right now his baby girl needed him. Morgan reached over and took her hand.

"How you feeling baby girl."

"Good news/Bad News-Bad news is the morphine is wearing off. When I was in the ambulance I could hear the song Heroes playing in my head. I kept flashing in and out of consciousness, everything was really bright and I remember thinking. 'Wait, is David Bowie really God?'" said Garcia. _Even now she's trying to make us laugh,_ thought Spencer.

"We have a sketch artist coming in for you." _Don't treat me like a victim. _It had been her only request and he was going to do that for her.

"Ok...it's still really hazy."

"That's ok anything you tell us will help," said Morgan. "This guy say what he did for a living?"

"Said he was lawyer."

"Did people know him where you went?" asked Spencer. He and Catherine had a place near her school where the staff knew them and stopped bring them the menu and just brought out what they normally ordered.

"He said he wanted to show me a place that was half an hour away," said Garcia. _We're going to get you through this and we're going to catch this guy so help me, _was the thought going through both Morgan and Spencer's mind.

"I could hear him walking...he leaned over me and I held my breath so would think I was dead." Morgan was looking murderous and Spencer was feeling it.

…...

Catherine headed outside for air, she hated hospitals. She had been in and out of hospitals with her grandmother before she died and she had been in and out of the hospital with her father for the better part of a year after his heart attack. They all felt the same, smelled the same, and looked the same. _White walls, the scent of bleach and the cold feeling._

Before she had left she stopped by the nurse's station and handed them a note asking if they wanted anything while she was out. She had learned that if you were nice to the nurses they remembered you and were much nicer to the patient they were treating and nicer to you if you had questions. She remembered each nurse who worked with her father and how nice they had been to her due to her age and in some small part due to her Deafness. She went out of her way to repay their kindness, after all working 18 hour shifts with almost no breaks and no thanks wore a person down. She told them she was a friend of Garcia and they nodded and promised they would look out for her. That meant it might get her call light answered quicker or being able to overlook an outburst from Morgan. She got the nurses their coffee and headed back. They looked grateful and thanked her. She saw that Morgan and Spencer were still working with Garcia and she decided to leave the floor for now. Catherine studied the map and saw that Oncology was three floors up. She made a quick run down to the gift shop for a gift. It was rude to come empty handed after all.

Oncology was almost like the Cardiac Unit her dad had been in, cold, white and bleach smelling. The doors though were splashes of color. Family photos, name tags and balloons were on each door and she couldn't help but smile at the thoughtfulness of if. It gave the place some cheer. She found the room she was looking for and saw the door was opened and also covered in the same pink and purple streamers with fake flowers. She knocked loudly and waited, just because a door was open they might not be ready for visitors. A young girl came to the door and looked at Catherine confused.

"I'm here to see Robert," said Catherine. The girl looked even more confused and called into the room. A few moments later came Robert, his walker had undergone a change, the flowers had changed from fake purple ones to fake pink ones and the streamers had changed from pink and purple to white and pink streamers.

"They're improving," teased Catherine. Robert rolled his eyes.

"My wife is lucky I love her. We're planning a anniversary party for next month and she wants to see how the color scheme works. Come in...what's in the bag?" Catherine pulled a deck of cards out of the bag and some M&M's

"You play poker?"

"Texas hold em or Seven card stud?"

"I grew up in Vegas take your pick." She followed Robert back into the room and saw the girls were surrounded by a stack of bridal magazines and wedding planners.

"My granddaughters are very devoted planners. Girls this nice lady is Catherine...an old friend." The girls looked up and than back to their magazines. "Typical...Ellie...this is the other late night chapel goer." Ellie looked up from her magazine and smiled. She had her head wrapped in a scarf and Catherine could swear one good breeze would knock her over. She held out a hand to Catherine and they shook hands. Catherine could swear she could feel every vein and bone in this old woman's hand.

"So your the late night vixen he was going on about...I'm not impressed," she teased and Catherine found herself liking her already, she was a much older and subdued version of her friend three floors down.

"I have an hour to kill...you wanna lose some M&M's?" asked Catherine.

"Only an hour?" asked Robert.

"My friend is getting questioned about her accident and I promised I would get my other friends some breakfast from downstairs when everything was settled." She didn't to tell anyone that Garcia and the others were FBI, it just seemed like something to keep to herself.

"Texas hold em it is young lady." She sat down and let Robert deal. They chatted about how Ellie used to be a teacher and their plans for the party next month.

"It's a shame my son in law isn't here to meet you. He told me how hard it is sometimes to meet other...you know..." said Ellie.

"Deaf people. Yeah it is sometimes, but I enjoy my hearing friends as much as I do my Deaf ones." _And sometimes I wonder why it's so damn hard to fit in no matter how hard I try. _She could learn how to read lips and they could learn how to sign, but the wall was still there. Last night was a reminder and Morgan's attitude was another. She left after an hour and got the guys their breakfast and coffee. She saw Garcia was sleeping and the guys looked beat.

"Thanks," signed Spencer when she handed him his coffee and baggie of sugar packets. She handed Morgan his and he nodded his thanks. Catherine took a seat near Garcia and sat there. She could smell the cleaners, the coffee, she could feel the AC when it kicked on and how this chair had a loose spring that dug into the back of her leg. What she wanted though right now was to hear the beeps from Garcia's monitor, the squeek of the nurse's shoes on the tile, the sound of anything.

Spencer looked over at Catherine and saw that she was so lost in thought he could only ponder about what. The afternoon went by and he and Morgan stayed awake and Catherine fell asleep in the chair. A nurse poked her head in and than came back with Garcia's medication and an extra blanket. She gave Garcia her meds through the IV and than she covered Catherine up with a blanket.

"Can I get one of those for later?" asked Morgan and the nurse shrugged.

"Let me see if we have an extra. There supposed to be for patients only, but since she got me coffee this morning I figured I do her soild and give her blanket," said the nurse taking Garcia's vitials. "She got you coffee?" asked Morgan.

"She got all the nurses on this floor coffee. No one gets breaks in the morning so someone willing to stand in line for me gets a blanket." she turned and left. Morgan looked at Spencer and he shrugged.

"Catherine learned early on that if you want the best for your family you suck up to the nurses."

"How did she learn that?" asked Spencer.

"Her dad had a heart attack when she was 18. She spent a lot of time in hositpals with him. She would get the nurses coffee, drinks, food. She remembered all their names and had candy in the room for them. She told me the nurse was the person you wanted on your side in case things got bad. If she's sucking up to the nurses here, Garcia is going to be treated great."

Morgan nodded. He and most likely everyone else had been focused on trying to help catch the guy who did this they didn't think about the recovery ahead of her and the people she would need here. The looked over at Catherine curled up in her chair with the blue blanket and really felt like an ass.

"Hey Reid...I'm sorry I snapped at Catherine. It wasn't cool."

"Tell her that, not me. I'm not the one who was hurt by it." The tone Reid took with him was icy, but it was to be expected after all.

"Yeah."

It's not that successful people are givers; it is that givers are successful people. Patti Thor

Ep used-Penelope


	27. Chapter two  part two

Chapter two part two

Each of us can only do the best we can for as many as we can and that will never be good enough for those of us who care! Rea Cord.

Catherine woke up and looked at her watch, it was a little past midnight, she must have dozed off awhile ago. Spencer and Morgan had finally given into sleep and were sleeping upright in their chairs. Catherine took her blanket and gave it to Spencer and studied the room. She had been so focused on Garcia and everything else she hadn't taken the time to see what all she was attached to her. Her own father had been attached to so many machines it was a wonder she could even see him.

The heart monitor and the nasal tubes were a no brainier. It looked she was attached to several bags too-One for saline, one must be an antibiotic of some sort and another for pain medication. _No feeding tubes, that's a plus and no ventilator. _The urine bag had a good amount of fluid that looked yellow with no blood, _another plus. _Her BP and and pulse looked good too. Catherine stood up and and went to see if any signs were posted outside the door. GWS- chest/abd- L_iquids only. Cleaning and dressing every eight hours. Antibiotics every ten hours. B+_

Catherine wasn't surprised by the diet restrictions, abd meant abdomen, abdomen meant bowels and having those upset would not do you any good. Clear liquids were a way of allowing her to eat, but in case they needed her out again they could put her under faster and without the risk of vomiting. The B+ on the door must be her blood type, a cheat sheet in case she needed more blood and fast.

Cleaning and dressing-She had mentioned staples, they would be watching those to make sure they didn't pop open. Keeping them clean and dressing them was a way to see how things were healing and when she healed enough they could take those out and move to stitches that would dissolve.

Antibiotics were also a no brainier, she had undergone a serious operation the risk of infection was huge. While it all looked and sounded bad, it looked like Garcia was going to be alright. Catherine went to go back into the room when she saw Hotch and Rossi walking down the hall with a nurse. She didn't spend much time with Hotch and this was only her third or fourth time meeting Rossi. She watched the nurse talking, she was clearly annoyed that they were their after visiting hours and was trying to explain what was going on with Garcia. Hotch and Rossi didn't seem to care and Catherine felt for the nurse who was just trying to do her job. Catherine opted to wake Morgan up and have him talk with the two of them about what they had found out during the interview with Garcia. Catherine shook Morgan's shoulder.

"Morgan...Morgan..." He stirred and opened one eye looking at her. "Um...Hotch and Rossi are here." He groaned, forced himself out of the chair and out into the hall. Catherine took her spot back in the chair and watched the three men talk and found she could make out nothing. She turned back to Garcia and watched the monitor go up and down. Hotch, Rossi and Morgan came back into the room after several minutes and she watched Hotch and Rossi study the room. Rossi was unreadable but she could tell Hotch was upset and so was Morgan.

"She looks..." started Hotch and he shook his head. Catherine took a deep breath before speaking.

"I...I know she looks bad. But there is a lot here that says she's going to be ok." The three men turned and looked at her in surprised and shock.

"She doesn't have a feeding tube or a ventilator which is a plus. She's only on two medications plus saline so that's good. She can't have solid food for now, but they're letting her have liquids. Give her a few days and she's be able to have real food. Her BP and Pulse Ox are good for now, so they might take the nasal tube away soon if it stays good." She pointed at the bottom bag. "Her kidneys are also really good if that bag is full. They really watch your kidneys around here, they let you know if anything is going bad first thing." Morgan and Hotch said nothing but they looked relived, Rossi looked at her confused.

"You can talk?" Was what it looked like he said and she felt the blood rush to her face.

"Did you just ask if I can talk?" asked Catherine out loud without signing. By the look on their faces the answer was yes. She walked quickly out of the room and broke into a run for the stairs.

…...

"Wow you guys are jerks," muttered a nurse coming in and taking Garcia's stats.

"I...I didn't think...I didn't know she could talk. I just assumed,"...started Rossi suddenly feeling like the world's biggest asshole and the nurse just glared.

"Yeah..yeah Deaf equals Mute...yeah yeah. She was right about everything she told you though." The nurse took her clipboard and walked out quickly. Spencer and Garcia were still asleep and right now Hotch wanted them to stay that way after Rossi's tactless comment.

"Outside now," said Hotch. The group walked out of the room and Morgan felt really shitty. His attitude plus Rossi's comment after how helpful she had been was really uncalled for on their part.

"We'll see about coming back later...just find Catherine and talk to her. Tell her thank you for explaining Garcia's condition to us and that Rossi didn't mean his remark to be insensitive."

"I didn't," said Rossi. He had no clue, in the few times he had met her she hadn't spoken, he just assumed. _It makes an ass out of you and me._

"Ok," said Morgan. Hotch and Rossi headed out and Morgan sighed. It was a huge hospital and he had no idea were to start looking. Another nurse came up to him.

"The head nurse went to find her. We'll tell you when we find her. Maybe you should go back and watch your friend.

"But..." started Morgan and he found himself being glared down by a tall Indian woman, than another nurse looked up from her charts and glared. He went back into the room defeated.

…...

Catherine ended up outside on a bench in the hospital's courtyard. It was hovering near 40 degrees and she really didn't care how cold it was. She hugged her knees to her chest and buried her head in the space between the two. She couldn't stop crying, the past 24 hours had been an emotional tail spin and she just wanted to be alone. It was like she was seven again and staying with her mother who made it a point to bully all the time.

_"You're talking too fast," signed Catherine looking at her mother. She wanted to go home where she could understand people and they were willing to work with her. Her mother bent down and took Catherine's hands and held them in hers. It wasn't like when some you liked held your hands, this was hard and vice like. Her mouth opened and closed quickly and Catherine shook her head._

_ "It's too fast," cried Catherine and she went to take her hands back and the grip got tighter._

_ "No signing...you're going to talk," She said it slow and looked right at her while saying it, but she was glaring and her eyes were narrowed. Catherine started crying. _

_ "I wanna go home!" She could feel herself screaming that last part. Her mother let go of her hands hard and Catherine fell backwards and landed her on her butt. The look she gave her was just cruel and she left Catherine to cry on the floor for hours._

This time she felt an arm wrap around her, Catherine looked up and saw the older Hispanic woman who ran the front desk in the ICU. Her name tag read _Selena. _She shushed Catherine and pulled her close. Catherine couldn't help but cry harder and she let her cry. She stoked her head like she was her own child and shushed her. Catherine pulled away after awhile and wiped her eyes. Selena pulled out a tissue and handed it to Catherine to wipe her face. Selena nodded back towards the hospital and finally feeling the cold of the air outside Catherine followed her back inside to the cold air of the building.

…...

Morgan woke up and kicked himself he had meant to stay awake until Catherine had come back, but he was so tired after the case in Florida and the past twenty hours he just wanted sleep. He looked out the window and saw the sun was starting to peak through. _Shit...Reid is going to be so pissed. I should have woken him up to talk to her. _Morgan left the room and headed down to the nurse's station.

"Yeah just make sure you have Teddy with you so you can talk with her. She seems to know what is going on the most," said a female voice. He stopped and looked around the corner. Three people were standing at the front desk. A thin nurse with blond hair and pink scrubs, another nurse who was Hispanic with short red hair and a very heavy set guy with black hair wearing jeans and a button up shirt.

"How Deaf is she?" asked the guy

"According to Selena she is completely Deaf due to an inter-cranial bleed and O2 loss at birth. However she must have some sort of medical background since she was able to give the three tools an explanation about their friend," said the blond.

Morgan frowned, Spencer had been dating Catherine for over a year and in that time he never thought about asking what caused her hearing loss.

"So yeah, talk to her when you have to make your rounds," said the red head.

"Thought there was a doctor in their," said the guy.

"He's not a real doctor," said another Hispanic woman who was older and wearing her hair in a tight bun.

"Hi Selena," they called.

"How do you know he's not a real doctor?" asked the guy.

"When he asked where the bathroom was and he said please and thank you. No MD says please and thank you. It's State Law," said Selena. _Better than a profiler,_ thought Morgan.

"He's kind of cute," said the guy and Morgan wanted to laugh.

"Oh he's very taken so your just out of luck," said the red head

"The other guy is kind of cute," said the blond.

"He's a bed pan hopper," said Selena.

"What's a bed pan hopper?" asked the blond

"A bed pan hopper is a guy who uses you like a bed pan. Fills you up and than dumps the pan" said Selena. _Ouch,_ thought Morgan.

"He seems really worried about his friend though," said the red head.

"Well you have to be a real heartless SOB to not be sad your friend got shot," said the guy

"Agreed," said both women.

"Oh hey that's her getting off the elevator," said the blond. Catherine was walking towards them carrying several large bags.

"She dating the cute fake doctor," teased the red head.

"Damn it...all the cute ones are taken by women," said the guy.

"Behave yourself Teddy," said Selena.

"Yes mom," said the guy ducking his head. Morgan watched her sit the bags down and greet them.

"Hi, my name is Teddy. I'm the hospital's interpreter . How are you this morning?" he said it and signed it to her. Catherine reached over and shook his hand and than started signing. He couldn't follow what she was signing and Teddy nodded.

"Oh no, morning rounds for the doctors don't start until about seven so you still have an hour." He watched her sign again and Teddy turned to the blond.

"She wants to know who is going to the morning nurse and what doctors will be coming by?" asked Teddy. Selena went to her computer and clicked a few keys. As she spoke, Teddy signed to Catherine.

"Nicole is going be the nurse this morning." the red head raised her hand. "Dr. Mundy is the on call Pulmonogist this morning and Dr. Janzy is the on call Internist this morning. Mundy comes in around eight, but makes rounds around nine. But, Janzy is always on time so please be here by eight if you want to talk to him." Catherine nodded and started signing again.

"She wants to know how she did overnight after she went home?" asked Teddy. Morgan shook his head, the fact that she left spoke volumes about how upset she was.

"She did alright, her BP and and oxygen stayed normal during the night. Her labs should be coming back later on this morning and well check for any infections or anything irregular," said Selena while Teddy signed. Catherine nodded again and started signing.

"Thank you very much. Since rounds don't start for an hour can I get you anything after I get settled in?" asked Teddy. The two nurses looked back and forth at each other like they were surprised anyone would ask them that.

"Um...if it's not too much trouble and if you're going down to Cafe could you get me a fruit smoothie?" asked the red headed. "Strawberry?"

"I missed breakfast...could you get me a banana muffin," said the blond.

"No I'm good...and nothing for the Teddy. He's on a diet," said Selena. Teddy signed the order to her and Catherine nodded again before speaking.

"Smoothie-strawberry, Banana muffin and a chocolate dount?" she asked. The two nurses giggled and Teddy shrugged.

"You're lucky I don't jump over this counter Teddy. Don't expect me to haul your heavy backside to Cardiac when you kneel over," said Selena.

"I have to keep up my bear status," protested Teddy.

"Oh you're our favorite bear," teased Nicole. Catherine smiled, clearly realizing the guy was getting a hard time and picked up the bags. Teddy reached down and grabbed one for her.

"Here I'll help you." Morgan sighed, no use putting it off any longer and he moved from his spot and towards the nurse's desk.

"Oh look who's awake," said Selena her voice deadpan.

"Yeah...bed pans," said the Nicole and she went to look over the charts. The blond turned and started updating a huge white board. Morgan noticed that Catherine fought the urge to roll her eyes back and Teddy signed something to her and Catherine shrugged and signed something back. He was lost, his signing was terrible and he often looked to either Reid, Garcia or Emily to understand what she was saying. _That's how it is for her all the time,_ thought Morgan.

"Here, I'll get this one." It was an overnight bag. She had two of them and several shopping bags. Catherine grabbed the shopping bags and Morgan saw that she was still pissed at him. _I'm just winning all over the place._

"Are we moving in?" he asked trying to crack a joke. Catherine turned to Teddy and started signing.

"The overnight bags are for you and Spencer since you guys are staying here. Everything else will be explained in a minute. Come on we need to hurry or will miss rounds." Her signing was quick and annoyed and the tone came out in Teddy's voice. _This is going to be fun, _thought Morgan.

…...

Catherine went in and saw Spencer and Garcia were still sleeping and she wanted to wake Spencer for two reasons. One just to say good morning and hug him. The other was to let him know how pissed off she was about last night. After 'talking' with Selena she went back up to the room and luckily Morgan had passed out so she was able to get her purse without much hassle. She wanted to go home and get some real sleep to clear her head.

She looked at Morgan and frown, he looked like shit and could clearly use a shower. She looked at Spencer and he was also in need of a shower and looking terrible. Both had just came home when this happened so they hadn't even had a chance to breath. _They're going to be here for the next few days...everyone else is working on catching this guy so it would make sense for me to get them clothes __and stuff. _She knew where Morgan lived and decided to take his house keys so she could get his clothes. She wrote Spencer a note that she had gone home for some sleep and left the hospital. However, when she got home she couldn't sleep. She would have to go back to work on Monday and she knew at Garcia would be in the hospital for at least a week. She could swing in after work and talk to the nurses and be there for evening rounds, but the morning rounds were very important and would set how Garcia's day would go. She sat down and made up a list of everything Spencer and Morgan would need to know and than she started packing up Spencer's clothes, driving to Morgan's and getting his things and than picking up a few other things they would need for the next few days. She sat her bags down and Teddy sat his down and a few moments later Morgan came in.

"So, I'm gonna talk to Nicole and we should be back in an hour. You don't have to bring me dount, I was just joshing with you. You gonna be ok?" signed Teddy.

"Yeah, I'm gonna wake up sleeping beauty. He can sign between me and him." Teddy nodded and left the room. Catherine turned her attention to Spencer and shook his shoulder. He groaned and woke up.

"What time is it?" he signed/said

"A little after seven. I'll be right back. I'm gonna get some breakfast for everyone. I got you and Morgan some clothes and shower stuff...you're both kind of smelly," teased Catherine. Spencer raised an eyebrow.

"Gee thanks. You want me to come with you to get breakfast?" asked Spencer.

"Nah, I got it." Catherine turned and left the room not even looking at Morgan. Spencer looked at Morgan and frowned.

"Did you two talk yet?" he asked. Morgan sighed, he had a feeling this wasn't going to be pretty.

"Rossi said something kind of out of line last night and she's been sort of pissed ever since."

"What did he say?" asked Spencer.

"Catherine explained what was going with Garcia to me, Hotch and Rossi and Rossi made a remark about not knowing she could talk." Morgan watched Reid's face freeze and than he shook his head.

"Reid..."

"I'll go talk to her." He turned and walked out the room.

…...

Spencer found Catherine paying for the order and frowned. He knew that she didn't talk that much because she didn't like how she thought she sounded. If Rossi had said something about her speaking and even if it was in an offhanded fashion she would be very hurt and she was clearly trying to hide it from him. She turned and saw Spencer standing there and he was giving her this look that she couldn't make out. Spencer walked over to her and pulled her off to the side.

"We need to talk," signed Spencer. Catherine sat her bag and drink carrier down on a table and frowned.

"We need to get back before morning rounds."

"No...now. I'm sorry that..." he didn't know what to say. It was most likely Rossi hadn't meant his remark to be insensitive, but he knew how she would take such a remark. "He shouldn't have said that and..."

"It's ok. I'm fine...he just didn't know any better."

"You're sure?" asked Spencer, he knew she wasn't but he really didn't know what to say. He didn't care what other people thought about her being unable to hear. Couldn't they just see how wonderful she really was? _Do you even know how wonderful you are?_

"Yes...come on before we miss the first doctor." Spencer grabbed her hand before she could pick up anything and kissed her forehead.

"Thank you," signed Catherine. He took the bag in one hand and with his free hand took her hand and they went back to Garcia's room.

…...

Garcia was still sleeping and Morgan was sitting next her when Spencer and Catherine came back. Morgan went to say something and Spencer shook his head no.

"Leave it alone," said Spencer." Spencer took his coffee and started dumping sugar into it. Catherine handed Morgan his coffee and breakfast.

"Thank you," signed Morgan. He sat down and watched her start digging through the bags. She pulled out a large notebook with several pens and different colored post-its. He watched her write Garcia's name on it and sat aside. Than she pulled out a thin blue folder and handed it to Morgan.

"She wants you to read it," said Spencer when Morgan couldn't figure out what she was signing. Morgan took the folder and opened it.

_What you need to know _

_Nurses are the patient and family advocate. If you need something explained in normal English ask the nurse. She/He will spend the most time with Garcia and most likely knows more than the resident bossing her around._

_The nurse is not a maid or a waitress. You want something get it yourself. If you want something for Garcia than ask the nurse._

_Remember the name of the nurse assigned to the room during the shift. They response better when called by their name instead of 'Hey you' _

_Doctors make rounds in the morning and at night. Be here to ask them questions about what is going on. The note book is for taking notes on what the doctor is saying so if you have any concerns or questions you have something to refer to._

_Most nurses work over 12 hours a day. They hardly have a chance to use the bathroom let alone eat anything. If your making a food run ask the nurse if she/he would like something. _

_Never interrupt the nurses during shift change. This is when the nurse leaving gives the nurse coming on every bit of information on every patient over the past 12 hours. If interrupted something could be forgotten that could affect someone's care. Unless someone is flat lining or on fire whatever it is can wait._

_If you feel like you're in the way than you most likely are. The staff is trying to do their jobs and will be more flexible and understanding with you if you help them._

_Lots of people will be coming in and out of here: Aides, lab techs, ect. Treat everyone who comes into the with respect. They're all here to make sure Garcia gets better._

_If you can get out of the room once in awhile. Staying here all day will drive you crazy and you lose focus. Take a few minutes to go for a walk, call someone, just take a break so you can keep it together._

The list went on about doctors and what he could expect over the next few days and Morgan and was taken aback by the thoroughness of it and the time she must of have put into it. She was in this as much as they were.

"Catherine has to go back to work tomorrow, but she's going to see if she can get a substitute for her French classes. Getting one for her Japanese classes is not going to happen, but if she can get the substitute she can be here for morning rounds and than back for the evening rounds," said Spencer while Catherine was signing to him.

"Really...she doesn't have to. We're going to be here," said Morgan. He was taken aback by how much help she was giving them.

"For now yes. But, if Hotch needs us or if something else happens and we have to leave that leaves Garcia here by herself. Catherine's already bonded with the staff here and understands the medical care Garcia might need," said/signed Spencer. Catherine simply took a sip of her coffee and nodded her head towards the door. A Middle Eastern man, Nicole and Teddy were heading their way.

"Ok. Thank you...really you have no idea what this means," said Morgan and Spencer signed it back to Catherine.

"She would do the same for me," said Catherine.

…...

It had been four very long days, Catherine had left to teach her afternoon classes and Spencer headed down to get some more coffee and a few snacks for the nurses. They were going to walk Garcia through her 'date' again when he got back. She was recovering quickly and moved from the ICU Tuesday night to a private room and they hoped to have her out by Friday afternoon. He got his coffee, a cherry coke for Dana-Garcia's morning nurse, a blueberry yogurt for Mandy the head nurse and water for Morgan and Garcia. Catherine had done her part of make sure all the nurses and doctors knew her and who she was there with. It might be favoritism and sucking up, but he couldn't help but notice that the nurses were finding ways to linger in the room between rounds to talk with either Garcia or Catherine. He notice that Garcia was always first one checked on during rounds and that her call light was never on for more than 45 seconds before a nurse came in to see what she needed. They seemed more willing to help them, since Catherine was willing to give them a little respect. Something that was lacking among other families on this floor.

Garcia was sitting up in bed, her blond hair pulled up and wearing a black sweater. She sipped her water when Spencer handed it to her and than she frowned at Morgan.

"Really...again...I'm sick of hearing myself tell it." Morgan sighed, he wasn't to fond of hearing again either, but their could be a clue they were missing and needed to find.

"Penelope...I know you're tried of reliving this, but any little detail can be helpful."

"I just don't know what else there is too tell." She was tired, the nurses had started making her get out of bed every two hours and walk up and down the halls. Plus she just wanted to forget this had every happened and that she had been so dumb to think anyone so good looking would like her.

"Let's start with his behavior. That's all profiling is...it's noticing behavior," said Spencer,

"Sweetheart. Any details you can remember will tell us who he is," said Morgan sitting next to her. Garcia sighed and put her head against the pillow.

"Ok," she said.

"Alright let's go back to when you were first at the restaurant. Was he nervous?" asked Morgan.

"No...the opposite actually. He was calm. Sort of a take charge kind of attitude. They got us our table and handed us a wine list and he didn't even look at it. He ordered a bottle of white wine and I hate white, but he told me I would like it and something about his tone told me I was going to like it."

"So he was trying to impress you by showing he could take charge," said Morgan.

"I guess so," admitted Garcia. "He was dressed perfectly, not a wrinkle, not a stain, not a missed crease. Kept playing with his watch."

"Tell me about the watch," said Spencer. It was a nervous habit, playing with something.

"It's a fake Rolex," said Garcia.

"You sure it's fake?" asked Morgan. Garcia gave him a little smile.

"I know my knock offs."

"He was clearly playing with it thought because he wanted you to notice it and think it was real," said Spencer. Garcia started breathing a little harder and her hands started to shake.

"Garcia are you feeling ok?" asked Morgan. They had just taken her off the breathing tube the other day.

"I'm just feeling really exposed," she admitted.

"You're doing great," said Morgan.

"What did you guys talk about over dinner? Did he ask you about work or what you did in your free time?" asked Spencer.

"Work...he wanted to know what I did. He said my job was glamorous, that working murder cases was 'the big time'. He told me he went to school in New Haven. Law school in Boston...Cambridge. That he was a city attorney and that he was burnt out from seeing cases get tossed because of messed up paper work and the like so he went into a private firm." Spencer's own father was a lawyer so he knew the terms and how it worked. This guy was good, but still an idiot.

"City attorneys don't handle murder cases," said Spencer.

"What?" asked Garcia.

"They representative the city in legal matters, like eminent domain or worker's law suits. Not murder cases," said Spencer. Morgan's phone chirped and he took it into the hall to see what it was.

"Fooled me," muttered Garcia pissed off. Spencer took her hand and gave it a squeeze.

"I'm sure he's done this before and you're not the first to taken in by someone who appears charming."

"But I should know better. I see this stuff happen all the time and yet I fell for it hook, line and sinker."

"I followed a murderous Un-sub into a corn field. We all do things that aren't that bright despite thinking we know better," said Spencer. Garcia gave him a small smile.

"You know your quite charming yourself when you want to be. You and your puppy dog eyes."

"Now your just making fun of me."

"I would never make fun of you...you're so adorable you can get them from any team you want," teased Garcia.

"Now you're just being mean."

"Oh am I...watch Teddy the next time he's in here. He's signing with Catherine, but I've seen him giving you a look over sir."

"So your telling me that I'm adorable to large gay men. Thanks."

"Any time," smiled Garcia and Spencer shook his head. Morgan came back into the room.

"Hotch wants to meet with us. You think you'll be ok here by yourself?" asked Morgan.

"Please Catherine is going to be in like ten minutes. I'll be fine," said Garcia. Morgan kissed the top of her head and they headed out.

…...

"He knows enough to use legal terminology but he's not a working lawyer," said Spencer. They were all meeting up to discuss the latest information Garcia had given them.

"I think we're looking at someone who failed out of law school," suggested Morgan taking a seat next to Spencer.

"Did he give Garcia any details about the murder investigations he was working on?" asked JJ.

"Nothing specific," said Spencer.

"If he failed the Bar that could explain why he has a working vocabulary and not much more," said Hotch.

"It could also explain his rage. Even in his lies he rails against other people's incompetence," said Emily.

"Well he's clearly a narcissist. The clothes, the watch, the subtle hints about where he went to school. He's faking humility when he says New Haven and Cambridge instead of Yale and Harvard," said Rossi.

"JJ, find another analyst who can run the information through the Legal Database," said Hotch.

"On it," said JJ.

"We're going to head back to the hospital and see if she can recall anything else," said Spencer.

"Tell her JJ and I will be up in the morning to see her," said Emily fighting back a yawn.

"Will do. Go get some sleep for me please," said Morgan. The group disbanded and Morgan started the drive back to the hospital.

"So what you think about how this is going?" asked Morgan.

"I think with a few more questions and recall sessions Garcia might be able to give us some more information about this Un-sub and we'll catch him. I agree with Rossi about him being a narcissist. But why we he so fascinated about Garcia working murder cases. Catherine respects my job, but she draws the line at over sharing on certain cases," said Spencer.

"You think he was looking for a certain case?" asked Morgan.

"I don't know. Garcia isn't in the field so her name isn't attached to cases like our names are. He wouldn't know her cases unless he hacked her or she put her name on it for some reason," said Spencer.

"When we catch this guy..."

"Make sure you don't do anything you regret?"

"Yeah."

…...

"Where did they go?" asked Morgan with a hint of panic in his voice. The room was empty and Garcia's wheelchair was gone. Spencer didn't see a sign of anything out of place. It was likely they might have gone for a walk.

"Excuse me, do you know where Penelope and Catherine went?" asked Spencer to a Lori, the night shift nurse.

"Oh, they went up to Oncology to visit the Walker Guy." Lori walked away and Morgan looked at Spencer confused.

"The Walker Guy?" Morgan asked. Spencer shook his head, recalling the man they met in the chapel on the first night here.

"Come on. It has to be seen to be believed." They took the elevator up to Oncology and they headed down the hall when they heard Garcia's laughter, it was the first time they had heard it in days.

"I want one of these," they heard her cry with delight. They found the room they were looking for and Spencer knocked.

"Guess they sent a search party for you two. Come in," called a female voice. Morgan and Spencer came in. Garcia was in her wheelchair and Catherine was sitting in a chair. An older thin woman was sitting up in bed, her head wearing a blue scarf on her head. The Walker Man was sitting next to her, the walker was draped in various shades of pink and red roses was being examined by Garcia with glee. The man looked up at Morgan and Spencer and shook his head.

"Honestly, How did you two manage to get girls way above your level? You girls aren't being held against your will are you?" asked the Walker man, signing so Catherine could follow. Garcia turned and had the biggest smile on her face.

"I need one of these when I leave here. I want to hobble around the BAU with this. I will figure out a way to get a laptop and coffee cup holder but I need one Morgan. Make it happen," said/signed Garcia.

"It's in your best interest to keep your woman happy," joked the Walker Man and Catherine started laughing.

"He's right...keep me happy Morgan." said Garcia. Spencer just shook his head and Walker Man turned to him.

"You ought keep an eye on her. I saw one of the male nurses looking her over," said/signed the Walker Man.

"She's very look-able," admitted Spencer and he took her hand. A nurse came into the room and let them know that visiting hours were over.

"Ok. We're hoping check out soon so it was lovely meeting you," signed Catherine.

"You should come back and see us if you can," said The Walker Man. Catherine nodded and the group headed out.

"Seriously. I need a walker. Oh my god...I could put lights on mine and have songs play when I hobble the halls of the BAU," said Garcia.

"Ok Princess we'll see," said Morgan. Catherine just looked at Spencer and grinned. They got Garcia back in her room and into bed. The doctors looked her over one last time and declared her fit to go home tomorrow if she felt up to it.

"Yes...I need to go home. But I have one question," said Garcia.

"Of course," said Dr. Mundy.

"What do I need to do to get a walker?"

Love one another and help others to rise to the higher levels, simply by pouring out love. Love is infectious and the greatest healing energy. Sai Baba 


	28. Chapter two part three

Chapter two part three

The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love. Hubert Humphrey  
>"And than the guy who looks like he came from the morgue was all 'blah blah blah...give me the password...blah blah...you're fired for now...blah blah. Seriously who fires a person when they're recovering from getting shot? Assholes," said Lori to Mandy the head nurse.<p>

"Shut up," hissed Mandy, the skinny doctor was come up to the desk.

"Hi...um Dr. Mundy cleared our friend to go home in the morning, but she kind of wants out now. Can we check her out now?" he asked.

"If you want to check out against orders we can do that." Mandy reached behind the desk and grabbed a stack of papers. "She'll have to fill all these out and I'll have to page Mundy to let him know and have him explain all the risks about leaving early to her," said Mandy.

"Hey tell Penny we're sorry that her boss is such a jerk," said Lori. Mandy fought the urge to take her newest nurse outside and smack her.

"He's my boss too."

"Damn and I thought Dr Synderman was a hard ass," said Lori.

"It's really not his call...it's his boss that's the hardass," said the doctor. _God what's his name...he's with that sweet little Deaf girl Catherine and the funny blond Garcia. Stewie...Steven...damn it. _He took the stack of papers and headed back to Garcia's room.

"Shut up," said Mandy.

"What?" asked Lori.

"You say nothing to Garcia about getting fired when she checks out. She's been sweet and enjoyable."

"Ok...ok...sorry," said Lori and she went to do bed checks. Mandy rolled her eyes, Lori was a sweet girl, but she had to learn when to shut up. Mandy paged Mundy and waited. The group came out. The tall black guy was pushing Garcia in her wheelchair, and a bag slung over his shoulder. The tall skinny doctor was carrying her overnight bag and his own. Catherine had gathered up some of the flowers and other gifts. The tall black guy handed the stack of papers and Mandy skimmed over them.

"You want out that bad huh? What are we boring you Miss. Penny?" asked Mandy.

"I just want to sleep in my own bed. Can you send my flowers up to Oncology to room 765?" asked Garcia.

"I'll have someone run them up later. Everything looks in order here. Oh here is Dr. Mundy," said Mandy. Dr Mundy came up to them and shook his head.

"And here I was pulling strings to get you a walker and you're bailing on me. I'm heart broken." teased Mundy.

"I'm sure. Beside I'm sure with the power of E-bay I can find a walker and make it awesome." Mandy shook her head this was the oddest group of people to come through her ward in years. Mundy skimmed through the stack and signed his name several times.

"No running, skipping, jumping, or heavy physically activities until your all closed up lady. I want to see next week. I'm writing you a script for some painkillers, get them filled downstairs and next time a guy ask you out make him walk through a metal detector or just bring one of the Solider Boys with you," Mundy handed her the script and handed the paperwork make to Mandy to file.

"I will no longer go on dates with people I find on creepyfreaks dot net ," said Garcia with a small grin. Mundy was by far the nicest doctor on staff and his teasing meant a lot to her.

"Take care of her...she comes back again. I'm kicking your ass," said Mundy looking at Morgan.

"Yes sir." They said goodbye and headed out. Mundy looked at Mandy and sighed.

"The fun ones always leave first." He heard a bed pan hit the wall and someone yelling for meds. "The crappy ones just linger on." A candy bowl that Catherine had brought them sat on the front desk and Mandy popped a jelly bean in her mouth.

"They leave great stories though."

…...

Spencer flipped the lights on and tossed his bag on the floor. It was good to home for the first time in a week.

"So what's going to happen with Garcia?" asked Catherine. Hotch had come to see them and he was clearly upset that Garcia about an encrypted file on her work computer. Garcia had to keep a record of all the team's comings and goings, but after her system got hacked two years ago and Elle was shot she encrypted the file for their safety. They had been pulled off the case for now and Garcia was suspended from duty until further notice.

"I'm sure she's be ok...they just need to go through the show to make sure that everything is ok," signed Spencer.

"I hope so...do you think it was the best idea to let her go home. I mean that guy knows where she lives," signed Catherine.

"She has police outside her apartment and I doubt Morgan is going to let her stay by herself. She'll be fine," signed Spencer.

"Well in that case I wouldn't want to be that guy. I'm gonna start doing laundry, can you see what's in the fridge for dinner?" asked Catherine.

"Sure." He went into the fridge started chucking leftovers in the trash. Catherine really had only been here for sleeping and showering over the past few days. So almost everything was either bad or heading that way. Catherine came back into the kitchen and frowned at the smell.

"Yeah it's bad," signed Spencer after pulling out some leftover that could have been grilled chicken and tossing it right in the trash.

"We still have coffee here so I can put off shopping till tomorrow morning," signed Catherine.

"I'll call for takeout," signed Spencer and Catherine shook her head. After he placed the order he sat down next to her on sofa.

"Thank you," he signed.

"For what?" asked Catherine.

"For helping with Garcia. Her recovery was really helped by the fact you knew how to work with the nurses and the doctors who were caring for her." Catherine just looked down at the floor and he made her look at him. "I mean that...you really help us. Morgan and I couldn't have handled the staff and the case at the same time. No one else might say it, so I'm going to. Thank you."

"You know she sort of did the same for me when I was in the hospital. It's paying it forward." He kissed her forehead. Her and Garcia were two people who wouldn't accept hearing a nice thing about themselves. It was why Garcia was so taken in by the man who shot her and it was why Catherine wouldn't take a thank you from him after everything she had done. The doorbell light went on and Spencer got the door.

"Oh Thai food," said Catherine digging into her noddles.

"It's better than meatloaf," said Spencer.

"Or that thing they made with the noodles and the fake turkey stuff," signed Catherine.

"The pot pies...the nasty pot pies," joked Spencer. Catherine mocked toasted him with her glass.

"To no more hospital food."

"Agreed." They were almost finished with dinner when his phone went off.

"Reid...yeah...wait what!" Catherine had a feeling that whatever he was hearing wasn't any good. He hung up the phone and looked at Catherine.

"I have to go over to Garcia's...he came back."

"What?" asked Catherine.

"He came back and he shot a cop."

"Is she ok?"

"She's fine...she's fine. But this guy is clearly spiraling out of control. I'm going to go over there. You stay here and I'll text when we figure something out. Ok," he signed.

"Alright." He kissed her quickly and headed out.

…...

JJ was already running up the steps and was looking murderous.

"JJ wait up," called Spencer.

"So help me god I hope Morgan gets this guy. He shot an officer and opened fire on Morgan inside the building. God Spence he could have shot another person living here. He...he..." JJ was so upset it was beyond words.

"Hey. Take a breath. He's getting sloppy and making mistakes when they make mistakes we catch them."

"But he could have killed Garcia this time! If Morgan hadn't been here with her do you know what could have happened?" He did and he didn't want to think about it.

"We need to focus on the fact that she's ok and we're going to catch this guy," said Spencer. JJ gave him a hug and he hugged her back.

"I just need to see her." They headed upstairs and JJ gave Garcia a huge hug.

"What is going on?" asked JJ looking at Morgan.

"I don't know, but I can guarantee it's not over," Morgan turned back to the window and looked outside.

"Are you ok?" asked JJ.

"I don't know what he wants from me," said Garcia fighting back tears. _This guy clearly wants something from Garcia or she has something he wants and she just doesn't know it. Why else would he go to such lengths to see her dead,_ thought Spencer.

"Could you know something about him?" asked Spencer.

"I don't know!"

"Maybe you have something he wants?" suggested Spencer.

"I don't know who he is!" snapped Garcia. "I'm really scared."

"I know," said JJ sitting next to her. Morgan motioned to Spencer and they walked outside the apartment.

"This guy killed an officer for no reason and he was about to kill me and anyone else who got in the way. He's crazy and we have nothing to go on," hissed Morgan.

"Garcia is the key to this we just have to help her remember. She knows something, but she might not even remember what it is," said Spencer.

"Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't do anything dumb when we got this guy?"

"You want me to forget it?" asked Spencer. Hotch, Emily and Rossi were coming upstairs and they all walked back inside.

"Did you get a good look?" asked Emily.

"Nothing solid," said Morgan.

"Garcia we need to get you back to the hospital," ordered Hotch.

"No," protested Garcia.

"You should still be there it's safe," countered Emily.

"And I feel safe with you guys here."

"We could take you to the BAU," suggested Hotch. Garcia's face went blank and they look in her eyes was far away.

"Garcia?" asked JJ.

"Get in the corner...the corner. When we were at dinner...they wanted to sit us by the window, but he insisted on the worst table in the place and he sat with his back in the corner," muttered Garcia like she was in a haze. The detective and his partner came into the apartment and Hotch asked if they could leave for just a minute more.

"Considering I have a dead cop outside and this is part of the crime scene..." Hotch cut him off.

"I know, just a few minutes please." Garcia wiped a tear away. This was her fault, a man was dead because she had wanted to go out on date with a hot guy. Why was she such an idiot? The cops left and she almost wished she was dead so that this was over with and no one else would get hurt.

"Tell me about the car," said Spencer.

Why?" she asked.

"Just go with him," said Morgan.

"You said it was white, four door, American...what else?"

"That's it! It was just a car."

"No...come on think baby girl," said Morgan. She got that far away look on her face again.

"The seat belt was buckled behind his back." She watched them all exchange these looks of knowing and it was annoying.

"What?" demanded Garcia.

"It's not a rental...it's for surveillance," explained Morgan.

"Agents don't wear seat belts in case they need to get out in a hurry," said Emily.

"All right let's cut crap," snapped Rossi and he sat down across from Garcia. "You need to straight with us! Right now!"

"What?" asked Garcia looking to JJ.

"Nope. Look at me, not them," ordered Rossi.

"I'm not hiding anything," snapped Garcia. Spencer looked at Morgan who was just as stunned as everyone else in the room.

"You got shot! Most people get shot for a reason." Garcia looked to Morgan. "Eyes here!"

"Ease up Rossi!" snapped Morgan and Rossi cut him off.

"You got a room full of people here willing themselves to believe another FBI agent is trying to kill you. So you need to tell us everything you do on company time that we don't know about!" He wouldn't stop staring at her and it was nerve wracking. _What I do is none of your business...I'm trying to help people and..._

"Oh God," muttered Garcia.

"What is it!" ordered Rossi

"I swear to God Rossi..."started Morgan and Spencer looked at Hotch who looked ready to break them apart if need be.

"Spit it out!"

"It's nothing bad!" yelled Garcia looking stunned. She looked around at everyone. "I counsel victim families and they know where I work so sometimes they ask me to look into cases for them."

"What does that mean?" asked Rossi.

"Just the unsolved cases...I tag them so whoever is working on them knows that the FBI considers them a priority," said Garcia.

"You're not authorized to do that!" said Hotch looking torn between murdering Rossi or yelling at Garcia.

"I know and I was just trying to help," said Garcia near tears and the pieces started to click in Spencer's mind. Before he could say anything Emily was explaining it her.

"Whoever is working those cases thinks your watching them."

"It's only a little pressure so that the cases don't get cold. Why?"

"How many cases are we looking at?" asked Hotch clearly trying not to yell.

"Seven or eight maybe...I need to get into my system," said Garcia.

"You can't. You're suspended." It was like a parent telling a child they were grounded for a month with no snacks, thought Spencer. Just was suspended, but this guy was after her and had killed a cop. Surely that was enough to get her back on the team.

"Wait a minute, on your date you said this guy was pressing you to find out if you were working murder cases?" asked Morgan. Garcia nodded in agreement. "Hotch we have to look at those files." Hotch looked at Rossi for advice.

"I told you I sick of this jagoff being in front of us."

While he didn't agree with Rossi's method it had gotten them what they needed, thought Spencer. He wasn't as close to Garcia so he was able to push her without feeling to horrible, it was something the rest of them couldn't do.

"Dave's right. We'll go back to the BAU. Morgan, Reid, Prentiss stay here and make sure you don't forget to log out of the system. Garcia should not have access," said Hotch.

"Understood," said Morgan looking slightly pissed off. Hotch, JJ and Rossi left.

"I am so sorry...I didn't think," said Garcia.

"Well...we didn't think of it either," said Spencer.

"Listen. I know you meant well, but you know what they say about good intentions," said Morgan.

"Yeah. I'm just gonna go lay down for a little bit," said Garcia and she went into her bedroom. About an hour later they heard Garcia muttering from her bedroom.

"I do not have time for this...yeah...yeah chase me you tool."

"What is she doing in there?" asked Morgan. Emily looked up idly from her magazine.

"Do you really wanna know?"

"Technically none of us are logged in so it's not our fault if she got in," said Spencer. Twenty minutes later the printer started whirling and files were being printed.

"I'm already sorted of fired so what's the BFD?" asked Garcia when she came out of the bedroom. "And don't worry I made sure that none of you can be blamed for this. I used IA log in."

"Only you...only you," said Morgan. They divided the cases up and started looking for similarities. No FBI agents were working the cases, but the same deputy was a 1st responder in three of the eight cases.

"His name is Jason Clark Battle," said Emily.

"What are the cases?" asked Spencer.

"All three were drive by's at close range...shot with a Revolver," read Emily. _That sounds oddly familiar,_ thought Spencer. Garcia got her laptop and plugged it into her TV for a bigger screen. The search took less than a minute and his official picture popped up and the look on Garcia's face was all the confirmation they needed. They pulled up his record and this clearly screamed an angel of death model who was shooting people to save them and when he failed to do so he could make it look like a random mugging gone wrong.

"You were the only person who was going to make the connection and you had to be removed," said Emily. Morgan was on the phone trying to figure out where this guy was.

"Ok his shift ends at midnight and I don't want anyone knowing we're on to him," said Morgan.

"Why?" asked Garcia. "We have him."

"They keep getting bolder, trying to cover his tracks and if that doesn't work he'll die shooting," explained Spencer.

"From now...you guys pick who I go out with," said Garcia shoving her keyboard aside. A few minutes later she picked it up again after something flashed on the screen.

"That's weird," she muttered.

"What?" asked Spencer.

"Someone just logged into my system and there is a link up on screen," said Garcia.

"Maybe it's a mistake," said Emily.

"No...he's good and not careless."

"Could he be trying to show you something?" asked Spencer.

"He could be trying to bait me."

"What does your gut tell you?" asked Morgan.

"He's a hacker and we have a code."

"You trust it?" asked Morgan.

"I have too," said Garcia and she clicked the link. A few seconds later the security camera footage from the BAU bullpen was up. It was currently a live feed. The Un-sub they had been chasing for almost a week and nearly killed Garcia was in the BAU. Morgan was on his phone calling Hotch to warn him.

They watched Hotch leave his office and knock on Rossi's door and they watched the two of them circle around trying to figure out how to take him out without hurting anyone else in the office.

"We need to get someone behind him," said Morgan.

"Can he get us the camera's outside the bullpen?" asked Spencer. A few keystrokes was all it too to get the camera they needed. They only one they could trust to get behind him was JJ, sitting in her office moving files around.

"Oh my poor girl," muttered Garcia. Morgan was calling JJ.

"Come on...pick up...pick up..." They watched JJ throw an annoyed look at the phone before picking it up.

"JJ it's Morgan...listen to me and listen to me very carefully." They watched the look on her face grow more serious by the second as Morgan explained what was going on.

"Hotch and Rossi can not get a shot on him if they need it. We need you to go in behind him and if needed take the shot."

"Ok." They watched her hang up her phone and pull her gun out of the drawer. She made sure it was loaded and the safety off before leaving the office. Garcia clicked back to the bullpen footage and they saw him eying Hotch and Rossi.

"He knows...we need to get over there," said Morgan.

"I'm coming with you," said Garcia trying to get off the sofa despite Morgan's protest.

"Guys," cried Emily. They saw Battle grab the head of IA and point a gun at his head. Everyone either hit the floor or pulled their weapons. They couldn't hear what was being said, but it was clearly not good. They saw JJ behind him and they saw Battle turn his head in her direction and JJ took her shot. It broke the glass doors of the BAU and hit Battle right in the forehead. The nightmare was over.

…...

"We're going to be late," signed Spencer. Catherine rolled her eyes and continued getting ready.

"The more you pester me the longer it's going to take. So zip it," countered Catherine fishing a pair of earrings out of her jewelry box.

"Do we really have to go?" They had been invited to the anniversary party of Robert the Walker Man and his wife along with Morgan and Garcia.

"Yes we do...they invited us and they didn't have too. They were really nice to me and Garcia so we're going. Plus it's free food and drinks everyone likes that." She grabbed her dress off the bed and headed into the bathroom. Spencer grabbed a tie out of the closet and started knotting it. Catherine came out of the bathroom and was trying to reach the zipper.

"Help please?" she asked. The dress was a knee length, spaghetti strapped and blue-green in color. Her hair was down and in loose curls.

"You look pretty," he signed.

"Not so bad looking yourself Doctor." He was wearing black suit with a purple shirt and a black tie. She reached up and tucked some of his hair behind his ears.

"Don't tease me," signed Spencer. Catherine just smirked and headed out to find her shoes.

"You never let me have any fun," called Catherine.

…...

They took their seats at the table and Garcia was grinning, she had just been reinstated a few days ago and was just so happy to have her life back to normal.

"Oh my God. I love whoever decorated this place."

"It's very, very pink," said Morgan. The tables were covered in pink table cloths and had white and pink roses for centerpieces. The cake was also white with pink roses. In Spencer's eyes it looked like someone had taken the pink slime from Ghostbusters 2 and hosed the place down.

"Blush and Bashful," joked Catherine sipping her water.

"Just think Pretty Boy this could be all yours someday," teased Morgan.

"No...no...no..." muttered Spencer.

"What?" asked Garcia shocked.

"I just...this is overkill. I don't see why you need all this to get married or remarried," explained Spencer.

"Reason number two for why I eloped," signed Catherine.

"What were the others?" asked Morgan.

"None of your business," signed Catherine.

"Oh really girls you brought them?" teased Robert.

"Well we couldn't alone," signed Catherine.

"Agreed. I go no where without arm candy," said/signed Garcia.

"Shame you're taken and my son in law is married to my baby. You two might hit it off. Hey...hey Paulie get over here." A tall man with short black hair turned around. Spencer was in mid sip of his water and he almost choked on it.

"Oh my god...Catherine."

"Paul." Paul was wearing a black suit with a pink tie and a rose pinned on his lapel.

"Wow...Robert mentioned he met a Catherine and she was Deaf...I didn't think it was you," he said/signed.

"So you got married...was it before or after the baby? Or your surgery," asked Catherine noticing the implants in both his ears.

"Oh after the baby but before the surgery. Vanity is a tricky thing."

"You two know each other?" asked Robert. Catherine and Paul just looked at each other.

"We dated...a very long time ago," said/signed Paul.

"Yep...a very, very, very long time ago," agreed Catherine.

"Oh well it's a small world after all," said/signed Robert.

"Very small," agreed Spencer wishing he had something stronger.

"Oh hey...Spencer. I almost didn't recognize you," said/signed Paul. "It's good to see you...had a feeling you two would end up together."

"It was nice to see you again," signed Catherine. Robert wheeled himself away and Paul looked at her relieved.

"Thank you...they don't know that I was..." signed Paul and Catherine cut him off.

"It's ok...an eight month marriage from a Vegas chapel when your twenty one is really nothing to brag about. I understand."

"It was good to see you again," signed Paul. He waved and he walked away.

"Well that was a box of awkward topped with a bow," said Garcia.

"That was your ex husband?" asked Morgan.

"You wanna dance?" asked Spencer. Catherine just looked at him shocked.

"You don't dance...ever. What was in that water?" asked Garcia studying hers

"Ok..." Catherine pushed her chair out and followed Spencer out to the floor.

"I have no idea what I'm doing," he admitted once they were away from Morgan and Garcia. Catherine bit back a giggle and took one of his hands and placed it on her waist, took his other hand in hers and let her other hand rest on his shoulder.

"Just move in circle and we'll figure it out from there," said Catherine.

_I don't get many things right the first time/In fact, I am told that a lot/Now I know all the wrong turns/The tumbles and the falls/Brought me here. _He managed to not step on her feet too hard and she was managed to not cry out when he did.

"Sorry," he said after it happened for the fourth time.

"We'll work on this at home," teased Catherine.

"Pretty boy this is too painful to watch. Come on trade," said Morgan coming up to them with Garcia.

"Come on Dr. Reid. The water clearly broke your brain," said Garcia.

"I'll be fine," signed Catherine. Spencer allowed Morgan to take his place and Garcia took him back to the table. They sat down and Garcia just smirked at him.

"What?" asked Spencer.

"I never thought I would see the day where Dr. Reid would pull out his Alpha male side and get all jealous."

"I didn't...I'm not jealous."

"Oh please. You were fuming...you were jealous. He's her ex. They're not together for a reason. Beside even he thought you guys were going to end up together what does that tell you." Spencer fiddled with a flower on the centerpiece.

"Hey a good dose of jealous never hurt anyone," teased Garcia.

"When he asked her to marry him, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die," admitted Spencer.

"She picked you though. In the end...she picked you."

…...

Spencer unlocked the door to the apartment and Catherine followed in behind him carrying her heels.

"Heels are evil," muttered Catherine.

"You looked really pretty," signed Spencer. Catherine sort of blushed and looked up at him.

"See it wasn't so bad," signed Catherine. "Look...I had no idea Paul was going to be there and it clearly upset you and I'm sorry."

"I wasn't upset..."

"Yes you were and you still are a bit. You know I left him right...that we're divorced now. That for the past four months I've been sharing a living space with you. Dating you for almost two years now. Spencer, it's the past and you either have to trust me or let it go."

"I trust you...I trust you complete. I just...letting go is hard for me."Catherine nodded.

"For me can you let it go? It was a mistake...a very long ago painful mistake that hurt a lot of people. Including you. And I'm sorry that I can't take it back."

"I...I pushed you into it. Had I been honest with you sooner you wouldn't have said yes...you wouldn't have been with Paul if I had just been honest with you," admitted Spencer. Catherine hugged him tightly.

"Let it go. It doesn't matter any more." He hugged her back tightly and tangled his hands in her hair.

"Can we try to work on that dancing thing? I would like to try to dance with you and not crush your feet," signed Spencer. Catherine sort of laughed and stepped away from him.

"You want to turn on the radio, something for you to listen too while we try this," signed Catherine. Spencer went over to the radio and fiddled with the stations until he found something that he had heard JJ and Morgan listening too. He couldn't remember the name of the artist, it was a blues and jazz mix.

_Come away with me/In the night/Come away with me/And I will write you a song._

"Ok...put your hand on my hip like this and take my hand."

"Like this?" asked Spencer taking her hand in his.

"Yeah." Catherine put her free hand on his shoulder. "Ok, let's try the circle thing again and look at me this time not at your feet," teased Catherine.

"Ok." He pulled her close and inhaled the scent. She rested her head on his chest and felt his heart beating. She felt him let go of her hand and rested both hands on her hips and she wrapped both arms around his neck and it was more swaying in place than dancing. It was a start.

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. Robert Heinlein

Notes-The songs used were Ben's Fold Five-The Luckiest

Norah Jones-Come away with me.

Ep used-Penelope

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	29. Chapter two part four

Chapter two part four

I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night. Bill Watterson

According to the alarm clock it was a little past two thirty in the morning. Catherine rolled over and felt the void next to her in the bed. Catherine sighed, this was the third night in a row Spencer had been sitting awake. She got out of bed and grabbed her bathrobe. She slipped her robe on and walked out into the living room. Spencer was sitting on the sofa and it looked he was writing in a notebook of some sort. Catherine came up behind him and touched his shoulder. He jumped about a foot in the air.

"Sorry," said Catherine and she took a step back. He turned and looked at her startled.

"I didn't hear you," he signed. She sat down next to him and he shut the notebook.

"Are you ok?" she asked.

"Yeah...yeah...I just can't sleep," signed Spencer.

"This is the third night that you can't sleep. Something is bothering you...you want to talk about it." Spencer shifted in his seat, it had been three nights since he came home from Chula Vista, three nights since he had watched Jack Vaughn take a shotgun and murder Ryan Phillips. Three nights since he had watched Ryan plead, watched Jack's daughter Lindsay hiss into her father's ear to kill him. He couldn't get the the image of Ryan laying dead in a stall with half his head missing out of his head, the sound of the gun shot, the smell of blood and gun shot smoke filled his nose.

"I just..." he shook his head and tears started to fill his eyes. He failed horribly and someone was dead because he couldn't stop it. He felt Catherine move closer to him and she hugged him. He couldn't stop the tears now that they were out. Catherine brushed his hair back and he put his head on her shoulder and wept. He felt her arms around him and he hugged her back. After awhile he wiped his eyes and looked at her, her face was filled with concern about him.

"When your ready to talk about it...you know where I am." She bent over and kissed his forehead. Catherine got up and went back to bed, she was worried about him and she hated it when he held things like this. It wasn't his fault though, it was just how he was brought up. Holding everything in until it just boiled over and he either exploded on someone or imploded on himself. Catherine crawled back into bed and tried to go back to sleep, a few moments later she felt the weight in the bed shift and Spencer laid down next to her. He reached over in the dark and took her hand, she squeezed his hand and pulled him closer.

"Go to sleep," she told him quietly and she started stroking his hair. Spencer watched her drift back off to sleep with her hand on his head. He took her hand off his head and held it tight. He just laid there in the dark and watched her sleep until exhaustion kicked in and he fell asleep.

…...

They were in Pittsburgh a few weeks later, investigating what could be the work of an Angel of Death. It was getting a little easier to sleep, but he had the horrible itch in his arm again. _Nine months...I've fought this for nine months and I'll be damned if I give in now. _

Spencer turned his attention to notes left behind by the victims. Emily was in reading them with him. JJ was handling the press for the latest victim and the others were working the latest scene and everything pointed to the same Un-sub.

"They all have the same type of tone. It's uncanny," said Spencer. The victims all came from different backgrounds and were both male and female. The letters should reflect some sort of difference but if anything it just made them all blend together.

"And you're saying they all wrote these willingly?" asked Emily.

"None of them are forced...but even here with the latest victim he never says goodbye. It's like there not meant for anybody, not for a spouse, child or anyone they were close too."

"But than who are they writing them too?" Spencer skimmed through the letters again and he realized why they all felt so similar and familiar too him. It was Step Eight after all.

"They're Amends...to themselves. I believe that they're written as part of a program."

What program?" she asked.

Emily was looking at him and he realized that he needed to careful what came out of his mouth right now. He had a feeling that everyone expect Garcia had their thoughts about what was wrong with him when he returned home from Georgia. He had only really told JJ, but he knew that Hotch and Gideon had known. He had a feeling Morgan knew, but he never said anything. Emily had been the brunt of his at work out bursts and maybe she had guessed and maybe she hadn't. Either way he didn't want to go to far down this road.

"Um, the Five Stages of Grief...in some Self Help groups they ask you to write down an Amends to yourself." _And to others like I've been doing the past few weeks._

"Is that right?" asked Emily.

He had his back to her so he couldn't see the expression on her face. It was one of understand and a hint of sadness. He had come so far in such a short amount of time and what he did to get back to who he was, well that wasn't her business and if he felt he had anything to make up for than she would let him. However, she didn't feel like he owe her anything other than to be her teammate and friend. She couldn't imagine what he had gone through at the hands of Tobais Hankle and she couldn't imagine what he had been like away from the job with Catherine, but from what she had overheard him say that night in hospital it must have been bad. If they had been in trouble you couldn't tell it now from looking at them. He was Spencer again and that was all that really mattered in the end.

"So these groups are all anonymous?" asked Emily.

"It helps protect your privacy," said Spencer.

He hadn't really gone to a meeting since Catherine had been home. He did a once a month check in with the counselor, but mostly he just talked things over with Catherine. However, the past few weeks he found himself holding things in again and that itch in his arm was starting to get to him. Spencer knew though what giving in would mean and how much he could lose from it. He would watch Catherine sleep sometimes and knew that she meant what she had said about not giving him another chance if he fell back in to drugs and he wasn't sure which one hurt more-the thought of her leaving him for good or the desire for the drugs.

…...

Catherine was sitting on the floor grading papers and Spencer was sitting behind her on the sofa writing in his note book. He was working on Steps Eight and Nine. Step Eight- _We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. _His list was rather small it consisted of the team has a whole, he had wronged them all really. He hadn't been there for them in the way they had been there for him. He hadn't been focused on them, the cases or the people they were sent to help. He was focused on his own suffering and his own needs. Catherine was the other person on his list. He watched her flip through an answer key and correct some verbs than move onto the next paper. _We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would _

_injure them or others, _was Step Nine. He made his amends to the team every day, he couldn't admit directly what he had done. Spencer had a feeling that costing Hotch his job for covering for him would fall under the 'injure them' section. Catherine on the other hand was different story, he had said he was sorry to her for all the hurt he had caused. However was sorry enough? Their relationship was in a much better place than it had been, but it could have been in a much better place sooner had he not been using drugs.

He watched her finished her grading and sit it aside. Spencer closed his notebook and she looked up at him.

"You know you could always help if you're bored," teased Catherine.

"It's more fun to watch you and the Blue Pen of Grading," signed Spencer. Catherine eased herself off the floor and sat next to him on the sofa.

"Are you writing a book? Are you hoping to out sell Rossi?"

"It's a journal...sort of." He watched her nod and than she went to go and make herself a cup of tea. He realized what his amends to her should be. He held things back from her, even now he was withholding parts of who he was from her and what was the point of trying to be in this relationship if he wasn't fully in. Spencer picked up the journal and walked into the kitchen, Catherine was finishing making her cup of tea and was making one for him.

"Here." he handed her the book and she looked at him confused. "I want you to read it."

"I don't understand."

"I need you to read it...it's...it's somethings I want to tell you and I can't..." Catherine hugged him and kissed his cheek.

"Is it alright if I read it later on."

"Read it whenever you want." Catherine picked up her cup of tea and headed towards the living room. Spencer watched her curl up on the sofa and stared down at the journal. He watched her open the journal slowly and start reading the first page.

_ I realize that I have a great deal to make up for. I don't know if I'll ever be able to truly make up for everything, but I hope that they can understand how sorry I am for the hurt I caused..._

…...

"Are you sure that you don't want me to go with you?" asked Catherine.

"You'll miss the train if you stay," countered Spencer. They were parked outside a library that was hosting an NA meeting. Beltway Clean Cops was the name of this chapter, it was made of those in law enforcement trying to stay clean. Catherine was supposed to be heading to a teacher's workshop in New York and had already delayed going to the morning portion to go with him to speak to his counselor. Spencer had finally admitted he was having issues about staying clean to Catherine and while it was painful to admit he knew it was the right thing to do.

"This is not a bad reflection on your relationship. If anything it shows a great deal of respect for each other. Most couples dealing with this type of issue tend to not communicate well. The partner suffering with the addiction will try to deny any feelings of struggling or wanting the drugs. The partner without the addiction will blame themselves for their partner's backsliding or become angry and disappointed in their partner," said the counselor and he had an interpreter sign what was being said to Catherine.

"I think I'm disappointed enough for the both us," said Spencer. The counselor looked at Catherine for her response.

"I guess I'm upset...not with Spencer. I knew that this wasn't going to be easy and he seemed to be doing really good for awhile. I blame California and whatever case he had when he was there."

"Spencer do you want to tell Catherine what happened in California?"

"I'm...I'm not ready to tell her what happened. It was really bad and I just want to forget about it and escape." The counselor looked at Spencer, than to Catherine and than back to Spencer.

"I'm going to recommend a group for you Spencer. It's for cops and those working in law enforcement dealing with your issues. I strongly suggest that you attend at least one meeting, a full meeting and that you share while your there. You can have Catherine attend with you with if it will make you feel better, but she doesn't need to be there. You clearly feel that there are certain aspects of your job you don't want her aware of even though she's more aware of them than you realize." The counselor handed Spencer a card and a list of meeting times. "There is a meeting this evening."

This is why they were sitting outside of a library on a Tuesday night and Spencer found his hands where shaking. Catherine reached over and took his hands.

"You don't have to do this now if you don't want to," she signed.

"I need to do this or this isn't going to get any better," signed Spencer. Catherine nodded and kissed his forehead.

"I'll see you in a couple days," signed Spencer getting out of the car. She gave him a smile before driving away. _I love you,_ he thought before heading into the building. He took a seat in the middle row and watched the people coming in. He didn't really recognize anyone here. He saw a lot of them were still in uniform, most likely just getting off shift or trying to fit a meeting in before going on. It looked like some lawyers and other plain clothes officers either taking seats or joking around with each other near the coffee machine and donuts. _ Of course donuts and cops why am I not surprised?_ Everyone soon took a seat and the meeting was called to order by an older man with reddish brown hair who was built like a small brick wall.

"My name is Micheal and I will be chairing this meeting this evening. For those who don't know me, I've been coming here for the last ten years and I've one of the acting chairs of the branch of NA for the last five. If you have any questions please see either myself or John after the meeting and we can try to get you in touch with any resources you need." Micheal took a sip of his water before continuing.

"This chapter of NA was set up for a reason, not only do we have a problem with addiction, but we are supposed to hold ourselves to a higher standard. We all are sworn in some way to serve and protect and we can't do that properly if we're focused only on our addiction. We can't protect the public we swore ourselves too nor can we protect our partners, team mates and family we care about once we leave the job..." _Maybe this isn't going to be so bad, _thought Spencer.

…...

"This is the portion of our meeting where we ask those members, old and new who have anything they would like or need to share with us to please come forward," said Micheal. Spencer took a deep breath and headed to the front of the room.

"Hi...my name is Spencer and I'm...I really don't know what I am."

"Hello Spencer," they all said in unison.

"Um...this is my first meeting."

"Welcome."

"Thanks...um thank you." He had to take a deep breath before going on. "I guess...well I know that I had a problem with .Dulaudid..but...I stopped." He couldn't help but feel a small sense of pride that he had stopped and he almost smiled for a second. "Ten months ago I stopped and I thought it was over, but recently...your literature uses the term 'craving'. It started like a month ago...a suspect...a kid was murdered in front of me."

There was no sugar coating what Jack had done to that kid. They had him, he was going to go to jail for Katie's murder and the kidnapping and assault on Lindsey and instead of letting go of his past and protecting his daughter from the life he had ran from he brought home, she begged her father to kill him and Spencer had failed to stop it.

"I thought that I could save the kid and I couldn't and..." His phone started going off. _Damn it...really we have to do this now._ "Sorry." he hit the ignore button and tried to get his train of thought back.

"I've seen a lot of that stuff before." _I've seen bodies beaten, tortured, raped, mutilated, limbs missing, anything horrible you can imagine another person doing out of cruelty. _"But for some reason that's kid face is really stuck in my brain." _His blood on the wall, the brain matter and skull in the stall. The look of satisfaction Lindsey had that he was dead._

"You know and I can't...and I want to forget about him and I wanna escape." _I wanna be numb again._ His phone started buzzing again and Spencer fought the urge to throw it. He promised he would never miss another plane and he was clearly being summoned.

"I'm sorry." He looked down and saw that JJ was texting him they had a case and it was ASAP. "I have to go, I'm sorry." He quickly walked out the meeting room and outside. He would have to get a cab since Catherine had dropped him off.

"Spencer," called a voice. _Fuck..._

"I have to go I'm late," he said half turning around to see who was talking to him.

"Places to go, people to profile." It was like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on him and Spencer stopped to see who it was. _Really...seriously...he's here._ His name was John Thompsen and he was five people away from running the FBI. Spencer had only really met him in passing, but it was enough to know that this guy meant business and had been known to make or break careers with a sentence.

"You know who I am." It wasn't a question, it was more of a statement.

"Of course I do Sir. I just didn't expect to see a man of your position here."

"Here there is no 'Sir' I'm just John. And this is not something you talk about at the office...especially our office." How far they could fall if anyone found out was unspoken between them. They would be lucky to find work passing out jay walking tickets should anyone find out what issues they were dealing with behind their credentials. Spencer's phone buzzed again and he just wanted to scream.

"Sorry I really do have to go." John reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked to be about the size of a silver dollar and gave it to Spencer.

"Here take this. It's my One Year medallion and it took me six years to get it. For the past thirteen years I've never left home without it. Because I know if I forget that..I will lose my gun, my credentials, my home, everything." Spencer knew that he was married for almost twenty years and had two children. To think that they had all suffered the same nightmare and came out together floored him.

"Hold on to if for me," said John.

"I only have ten months." _Ten long difficult at times soul crushing months._

"I know."

"It's your most prized possession." Spencer could understand Catherine giving him her rosary, it was her way of being with him when he was gone. It was tucked into his shoulder bag and it never left. But this was something totally different.

"It is."

"Your just giving it to me." _We've only been in the same room three times and one of them was now._

"No. In a couple months when you get your Year, you give it back to me." John turned and walked back towards the meeting.

"I really don't understand," called Spencer. John turned and looked at him.

"You will." He went back inside. Spencer pocketed the medal and headed out. He sent JJ a text that he needed to head home first and that he would be there soon.

Despite the success cult, men are most deeply moved not by the reaching of the goal but by the grandness of the effort involved in getting there - or failing to get there. Max Lerner

Ep's used-3rd Life, A Higher Power and Elephant's Memory.

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	30. Chapter two part five

Chapter two part five

All of us have moments in our childhood where we come alive for the first time. And we go back to those moments and think, This is when I became myself. Rita Dove

_1992 _

_ "What do you keep looking at?" asked Catherine. Spencer ducked his head and Catherine looked behind her to where a bunch of cheerleaders were sitting in the library._

_ "Honestly..." Catherine shook her head and turned back to her homework. "What is about cheerleaders that turns all guys into drooling idiots?" Spencer couldn't answer her and Catherine sighed but nothing else was said. Catherine got up and went to get another book, the second she left the table Brandy Carltons one to the cheerleaders came up to him. _

_ "Hey Spencer...how are you?" He gulped._

_ "Ok...I guess." _

_ "Your girlfriend is kind of a cutie." _

_ "Um she's not my girlfriend...well she is a girl and she is my friend but she's not my girlfriend," he stammered. Brandy giggled and sat down next to him._

_ "Listen...I heard a rumor that you sort of had a crush on Alexa." Spencer didn't say anything, but he felt his face start to turn red and Brandy giggled. Catherine came back to the table and was glaring has she sat back down._

_ "Later Spencer." She got from the table and went back to her friends giggling. Catherine looked behind her still glaring._

_ "What did she want?" _

_ "Nothing." _

_ "Sure she didn't." Catherine grabbed her bag and started putting her books in it. "I don't feel good. I'm going to go home." _

_ "I'll walk with you." He picked up his stuff and followed Catherine out. _

_ "Bye Spencer," called Brandy. He noticed Catherine's grip on her backpack got tighter and she started walking fast. He caught up with her quickly and noticed that she was biting the inside of her cheek._

_ "Are you ok?" he asked._

_ "I just really don't feel good...my stomach's been hurting all day and I'm just really tired."_

_They walked in silence for several blocks before Catherine spoke up again. They're prettier than me...I get it now." Before Spencer could respond, he noticed that her eyes were watering up. "I'll see later." She took off in a full sprint and he couldn't catch up with her._

_ She didn't meet him the next day after school and when he went to see her, her grandmother told him that Catherine was sick and had some sort of stomach flu. When he got up the next morning he heard his mother talking on the phone. _

_ "Yes...I'll tell him that he can't see her right away. I hope she gets better soon. Thank you Andrew." She hung up the phone and she saw him standing there._

_ "What did Catherine's dad want?" _

_ "Sit down baby." Spencer took a seat and his mother sighed. "Catherine had a case of appendicitis and they took her to the hospital last night. They removed it late last night, but some toxins got into her system before it was removed and she's fighting an infection right now. She very sick right now and she can't have any visitors, but the second she's able to have visitors you can see her."_

_ "How sick is she?" asked Spencer fearful. His mother sighed and she took his hand._

_ "She's in the ICU right now and she's running a very high fever." Spencer bit his lip and his mother hugged him. "She's going to be ok baby." _

…...

Present day

Texas was hot...it was hotter than Las Vegas and Spencer was regretting the sweater he was wearing. Even with the house's AC going it felt like a blast furnace. He looked around the Savage house and frowned. It looked like it could pass a military inspection, considering the father was a military man. So far they had four victims. Two cops and two civilians, one of the cops was Lou Savage and his killer might have very well been his own son: Owen Savage. He might have blown up a house and killed his ex-girlfriend Jordan to set up his own father. _Thought I didn't like my own father,_ thought Spencer.

He was half listening to Sheriff Hallum explain the Savage family to them. Owen's mother and Lou's wife had died six years in a car crash while Lou was away with the Marines in Afghanistan. Lou was Discharged after twelve years of service so that he could raise Owen. Spencer looked around and noticed that the only picture in the house was Lou in his Marine's uniform and his certificate of Discharge. Not a single picture of his dead wife or living son anywhere in this house.

"Is that why he resented them? For ending his career" asked Spencer. The look Hallum gave him was murderous.

"Lou was a good man!" he snapped.

"A good man that doesn't have a single picture of his dead wife or son anywhere in this house," countered Spencer. Hallum looked pissed and Hotch cut him off.

"We know that this is difficult and if we had more time we would be more sensitive but we don't," said Hotch. Hallum sighed.

"Hope was the drunk driver. I didn't write it up that way, but her drinking was no secret in town." _Mother is a depressed alcoholic who kills herself and his father is a bitter resentful Alpha male,_ thought Spencer.

"Where's Owen's room?" asked Spencer. Hallum pointed behind him and Spencer went in. The room had thick curtains so it cooled the room slightly. The walls were painted black and filled with posters for metal bands and other oddities.

"That's James Dean Porsche," said Morgan looking at the poster of the mangled car. "No pics of James Dean...that's a bad sign."

"Especially when your mom died in car accident. Still haven't found the Father of the Year Award," said Spencer. He turned to look under then bed and missed the stunned look Morgan gave him.

"You check the computer?"

"Password protected." Spencer found nothing under the bed.

"Smart move when your dad is cop," said Morgan.

"Assuming he cared enough to snoop." This time Spencer caught the look Morgan was giving him.

"Hey, you might wanna check yourself. That Sheriff out there wanted to take your head. I think Hotch might have let him." _Well the truth always sucks, _Spencer shrugged and went to take a look in the closet.

"All his clothes are black," said Morgan going through a dresser.

"Same here," said Spencer looking in the closet.

"Just like his man- Johnny Cash," said Morgan. "So Owen sees himself as the misunderstood loner. I wish all our Un-Subs would just tack their profiles to the wall like this."

"That doesn't mean anything. You grew up in Chicago, a high school jock. I bet you had pictures of Scotty Pippin and trophies all over the place." _My room was filled with books and chess sets, you wouldn't profile me as misunderstood._

"Yeah I did...you forgot the sexy ladies of the Sport Illustrated Swimsuit issue," teased Morgan.

"But the smart money says you didn't paint your mirrors black," said Spencer touching it. _He didn't like what he saw. _They heard a woman yelling outside and they went to see what the noise was about. A woman in her mid thirties with long brown hair and tear stained face was pushing past the officers and yelling at Hallum.

"Is it true! Did Lou's freak son shoot Byron." Spencer and Morgan stepped outside.

"She's officer Lett's wife," whispered Hotch.

"Go home Sara, your kids need you," said Hallum.

"My children need their daddy!" she spat and than she glared at them. "Send them home. You don't need them. You know what to do! You find that little son of a bitch and you do what's right!" She turned and ran back to her car.

"Why do I have a feeling she's not going to be the only one with that sentiment?" asked Morgan. _Jesus he's a kid,_ thought Spencer. _A very disturbed kid who needs help not murdered._

"Morgan you stay here and work the room. Reid and I will go to the high school and talk to Owen's teachers and friends so we can figure out where he's going." Spencer saw another officer come up to Hallum and whisper something.

"He's heading out of town. They found his car out by the Interstate, next to victim number five."

…...

_1992_

_ It had been two days since Catherine had been put in the hospital and he wasn't allowed to see her. He took a city bus in the afternoon and went to hospital where Catherine was. No one noticed him has he went up to the ICU. He was stopped though by a door that needed to be buzzed by a nurse in order to get in or out. He glared at the door and sat down in one of the chair outside. The nurse spotted him and frowned._

_ "You here to see someone honey?" _

_ "Catherine Dueringer." The nurse flipped through her charts and her frowned got deeper._

_ "Oh sweetie you can't see her right now, she's still running a fever."_

_ "I'll wash...I'll wear a mask, gloves and everything." The nurse looked at him sadly. _

_ "Let me talk to her father." She told the other nurse to watch the desk and she let herself in the ICU. Spencer sat there for several minutes and waited. Catherine's father Andrew took off his gown and walked into the waiting room. _

_ "Hey Spencer." He sat down next to him and ran a hand through his hair. "Umm...Catherine is still really out of it. She's been sleeping a lot and her fever is still very up and down right now. So right now we're still waiting to see if it stays down for longer than a few hours." _

_ "I just want to see her for a few minutes, please?" asked Spencer. Andrew frowned, the boy looked and sounded so hopelessly sad. He was also one of the few to try and come and see her in person._

_ "Let me talk to her doctor and see what he says, but he might say no so be prepared for that. Ok," said Andrew. He got up and asked the nurse to see Catherine's doctor. It took awhile for the doctor to come up. He pulled Andrew aside and looked at Spencer._

_ "I'm not sure it's a good idea...he's young but he could have god knows what germ wise and her fever is down right now. It could spike again if he brings something in. Or he could catch something from her." Andrew sighed._

_ "What if he's just outside the room and he washes and suits up?" asked Andrew. The doctor shook his head. _

_ "He gets ten minutes. Outside her room and he scrubs for ten minutes. Suit and gloves," said the doctor. Andrew thanked him and took Spencer into the scrub room and helped him scrub up. _

_ "You have to stand in the hall that way you don't get her sick and she doesn't get you sick. Alright," said Andrew. Spencer nodded and Andrew took him down to Catherine's room. Spencer looked inside and there was Catherine in a bed hooked up to several IV's and she was sleeping on her side. Andrew went up to Catherine's bedside and tried to wake her up, Catherine stirred, she opened one eye and than went back to sleep. Andrew looked back at Spencer and shrugged._

_ "She's just very tried, but her fever is down right now and if it stays down for forty eight hours they might move her to Recovery. You can see her than without standing in a hallway with a suit on. Just give her some time."_ _Andrew walked Spencer back down the hall and helped him toss the suit into the bin. _

_ "Come on I'll take you home." Andrew started driving him home and looked over at him. "You know you're one one of the few people to come see Catherine. She had two girls from her class come in with their parents, but other than that it's been quite." Spencer nodded._

_ "I don't want you to worry. She's going to be fine." _

_ "Ok...I think she was mad at me. I don't know why though and I wanted to make sure she was going to be alright."_

_ "Why do you think she was mad at you?" Spencer shrugged._

_ "I...was talking to another girl and Catherine got really weird about it." Andrew nodded. Spencer was a sweet boy, but he was a clueless pre teen boy that his pre teen daughter was hopelessly smitten with. He cared about both these children, however they were clueless about how to deal with their feelings and he worried it wouldn't end well. Spencer didn't know how to deal with his feelings and he knew his daughter would do anything to get people to like her. He didn't think Spencer would take advantage of that, but he had a feeling that Catherine wouldn't take his rejection well if and when it happened_

_ "She got upset and thought the other girl was prettier," said Spencer._

_ "No girl ever thinks she pretty no matter how pretty she is," said Andrew. Spencer nodded and he looked out the window._

_ "She wasn't prettier than Catherine." Andrew looked over at Spencer. Maybe he wasn't that clueless after all. _

…_..._

Present day

Spencer and Hotch got out of the SUV and were greeted by one of the school's counselors Paul Barter. He was man in his early 40's with thinning red hair and very tired eyes.

"I got what you asked for, Owen's record for the past few years." Spencer took the folder and started to skim through it while they walked to the main office.

"Can you tell us a little bit about Owen?" asked Hotch.

"He's quite and he keeps to himself mostly. We haven't had too many discipline issues with him He doesn't have very many friends to speak of. Honestly when he started dating Jordan Norris I was shocked," admitted Barter.

"What can you tell us about his relationship with Jordan Norris?" asked Hotch.

"They started dating last year when he was sent to Special Ed."

"Junior year? Isn't that a bit late for Special Ed?" asked Hotch.

"Well yes if had been put there for academic reasons," said Barter.

"Well than why was he there?" asked Hotch. Spencer listened to Barter explain that it was because of Owen's bad attitude and lack of effort. Spencer had just finished looking through Owen's records and wanted to just snap._ God this kid must have been going up the walls with boredom and __frustration. _

"The problem wasn't lack of effort or bad attitude. The A's in Math and Science indicate a gifted student. The D's in English and History show he had trouble reading and the F in Geometry indicates he had an issue with Spatial Relations and that's further confirmed by his horrible handwriting."

"This is all consistent with a brilliant, but serve Learning Disabled student," said Hotch looking over the records and Barter looked ill at ease.

"His standardized testing didn't support that kind of intelligence." _Damn multiple choice, fill in the bubble here testing. _

"A Spatial Relations handicap effects your hand/eye coordination. He couldn't fill in an answer bubble any easier than he could hit a baseball," spat Spencer.

"Which is why he stayed away from sports," said Hotch noticing a lack of extra activities in Owen's report.

"Sports were a sore spot with his father. He joined a wrestling team his Freshmen year to appease the old man but it didn't work out." Barter went to go take a phone call and Spencer felt so annoyed and he was trying to keep his temper in check and he turned to Hotch.

"He didn't belong there. He was probably the smartest kid in class and just couldn't prove it." Hotch looked up from the file and was giving him a look that he needed to calm down.

"Being the smartest kid in class is like being the only kid in class. He missed all of it."

"But schools this size can't meet the specialized needs of all the students." It was what the high school in Vegas had told Catherine's father. She was smart and should be skipped ahead, they just didn't have anyone on staff who could work with her because of her being Deaf. After Spencer transferred to the high school, Catherine started going to a school for the Deaf. Andrew had waited until Catherine was thirteen before asking her to be skipped ahead to high school. _It was probably one of the smartest thing he did for her._

However, while Spencer was at the public high school he noticed that they couldn't afford a teacher to work with Catherine, but the football players got new uniforms each year. The stadium was redone and basically if your program involved throwing a ball at goal you got the funding you wanted. Meanwhile all other activities had to scrap by for money or the teachers who headed the activity paid out of their own pockets.

"He keeps giving it everything he's got over and over again and the whole time...the whole time they tell him it's his fault. It makes sense." Hotch gave him another look and Spencer knew he was on thin ice and he really didn't care.

"No it doesn't. An undiagnosed Learning Disability doesn't add up to this level of violence not without serve emotional abuse, you know that." _Were you not in that house with us? If his father wasn't abusing him emotionally or physically I'll quit right now. I bet the abuse here was enough to drive him around the bend. He was trapped and no one could hear him asking for help. How the hell do you go through a school system for almost twelve years and no one notices that you have trouble reading. Seriously reading...a fundamental skill to learning and he couldn't do it. No one noticed this, not even his parents. How is that not abuse._ Spencer held his tongue in check though. Hotch's phone rang and he answered it.

"Do you have something for us?" asked Hotch. "Alright I'll ask if you can send it here." Barter came back and Hotch asked for his e-mail address. "My agent needs to send us a video and we would like to view it with you." Barter gave him the address and hung up with Morgan. It took awhile for it to load and Barter looked even more ill at ease waiting for the video to load. Hotch clicked the play button and the video started. It was Owen in a bathroom with a towel around his waist.

"Umm guys I'm not sure I can do this." A voice off camera laughed.

"It's just us. It's not like you don't masturbate at home." Owen was trying to keep his voice steady, but you could hear the fear and nervousness.

"No...no...I just can't do it if your watching." The camera was taking the video from around a corner. A perfect view for the video and Owen couldn't see it.

"If you wanna be on the team, this is what you have to do," said another voice off camera.

"We all did it," said the first voice. Own looked down at the tile floor and than back up.

"Ok...I'll try." Hotch stopped the video before Owen dropped his towel. It was pretty clear what had happened. Barter kept looking down at his desk, the floor or the wall. Anywhere other than the video.

"Did Owen tell you about this?" asked Spencer.

"He didn't have to. It was posted on the school's social networking site and we pulled it down immediately," said Barter.

"Once it's on the Internet it's out there forever and Owen knew that," said Spencer.

"Did Owen tell his father about it?" asked Hotch.

"Well not at first, but when he quit the team his father confronted him about it and he blamed Owen for the whole thing," said Barter. _Yeah because he just wanted to have video of himself masturbating all over the Internet. That's every kid's dream. God...this is sexual video and he's a minor. Charges should have been filed...something,_ thought Spencer.

"He only joined the team to get his father's approval," said Spencer.

"How were these boys punished?" asked Hotch.

"Owen identify them, but on the video all we had was their voices and so we really had nothing..." Hotch even looked pissed now and Spencer was beyond pissed now.

"He didn't know he was being filmed!" cried Spencer.

"Look it was his word against theirs," snapped Barter. "Parents would get involved, the school board and lawyers. Cyberbullying is a hot button issue right now and this whole thing would have ended up on 60 Minutes. How was that going to help Owen?" _It would have been something for God's sake._ Spencer thought about how Catherine had stood up to one of her student's abusive boyfriend and got the hell beat out of her for it. She at least tried to protect her student, these people were content to let this just go by the way side like it was nothing. _If those three had attacked a girl on campus would you have let them get away with it? They didn't physically rape him, but it's damn close._

"What did you tell him?" asked Hotch.

"I told him that dealing with bullies if a part of growing up."

"That sounds familiar," muttered Spencer and Barter looked like he wanted to murder Spencer.

"Boys have a way of sorting these things out on their own."

"Yeah they sure do. Right now Owen is sorting it out with an assault rifle."

"Reid." said Hotch in the tone that a parent uses with a child about to throw a fit. Spencer couldn't be in the office a moment longer and he tossed the file down on the floor and walked outside. It had gotten hotter and Spencer loosen his tie trying to breath. He leaned against a wall and closed his eyes. _It doesn't matter anymore...it happened over fourteen years ago. _

…...

_1992_

_ Spencer was sitting in the library alone. He hoped that Catherine would be allowed to have visitors soon. He was lonely without her, he really didn't have anyone to talk to with her being in the hospital. He finished his English assignment and figured he might as well start the reading for the next unit. He had barely turned the first page when he felt someone sit down next to him. It smelled like flowers, he looked up and there sat Harper Hillman. Her red hair tied back in a ponytail and wearing her cheerleader's uniform._

_ "Hey Spencer...what you up too?" _

_ "Just reading." Harper grinned and started playing with his pencils. _

_ "Listen...I need you to come with me."_

_ "Why?" Harper hadn't said more than two words to him in the past two years and now she was sitting next to him and she put her hand on his arm and he felt himself start to go red in the face. She leaned in close to him and started whispering in his ear._

_ "Alexa really, really likes you...but she doesn't want a lot of people know just now. I mean...people might get the wrong idea since your...you know still a kid. She asked me to come get you and to take you to her so you guys could talk." Spencer suddenly found that his mouth had gone dry and that he couldn't swallow. Alexa was so pretty and whenever she was around he just couldn't focus. He always wanted to talk to her, she came across as nice for the most part._

_ "You sure," he asked surprised that he could still make sentences right now. _

_ "Yeah. Come on." Spencer picked up his stuff and followed Harper outside towards the football field. _

_ "So where's that quite spooky girl you were with a few days ago?" asked Harper. Spencer took offensive to Catherine being called quite and spooky and it came out in his voice._

_ "She's sick and in the hospital right now."_

_ "That's too bad," said Harper not sounding the least bit sorry. He was starting to have doubts right now about this, however he really wanted to talk to Alexa and this might be his only chance to do so._

_ "Over here," said Harper and she motioned for him to follow her behind the field house. Spencer forced himself to sallow and went behind the building. Alexa was leaning against the building. She had her blond hair down and she was also wearing her cheerleader's outfit. She turned and smiled at him. _

_ "Hey Spencer...come here." Spencer took a step forward and than he felt two hands on his back and he was pushed to the ground. He looked up and behind him was Daniel Conlley, the head quarterback. Behind him was the whole football team and part of the cheerleading squad. _

_ "Let's talk Spencer." _

Everything else you grow out of, but you never recover from childhood. Beryl Bainbridge.

Ep used-Elephant's Memory

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	31. Chapter two part six

Chapter two part six

For years I have been mourning and not for my dead, it is for this boy for whatever corner in my heart died when his childhood slid out of my arms. William Gibson

_1992_

_ Daniel Conlley grabbed his bag and tossed it off to the side. _

_ "What's going on?" asked Spencer trying to pick himself up and Daniel knocked him down again and put one foot on his back forcing him to stay on the ground._

_ "I thought he was supposed to be a genius," laughed a voice. Spencer vaguely recognized it to be Ryan Clover one of the kickers._

_ "It just goes to show you that any boy past the age of ten thinks with penis first," said Alexa mocking. Spencer fought back tears, he had been so stupid to think that she would really like him. He hadn't been thinking clearly and maybe after they were done beating him up he could just go home and forget this had ever happened._

_ "Does he even have a penis at this age?" asked Brandy. _

_ "Please he was drooling all the way out here...I'm shocked he wasn't cumming in his pants," said Harper laughing._

_ "Wow he likes girls who would have thought that," laughed Mike Tosh. Daniel dug his foot a little harder into his back. _

_ "You really thought any girl would like you?" asked Daniel._

_ "I don't know that spooky little thing he was with sure was attached to him," mocked Brandy._

_ "Shame she's not here to see this," said Harper._

_ "I've seen her before...give her a few years and I bet she turns out hot," said Ryan._

_ "The quite ones are always the craziest in bed," laughed another player. Spencer felt a wave of shame and fury start to come over him. It was one thing to make fun of him, dragging Catherine into was another. _

_ "Shut up," he muttered and Alexa grinned and got down on her knees so she was closer to him._

_ "What was that?" she asked sweetly. "Are you defending your creepy little girlfriend?"_

_ "No...she's a girl and she's a friend," laughed Brandy. _

_ "You know it's just rude to go behind your girls back and sneak around," said Daniel. His foot was really starting to hurt his back. God just get it over with already, thought Spencer. _

_ "You are a little freak...no girl will ever like you. Even that creepy little girl who hangs out with you now is going to walk away some day. Besides I'm sure Brandy is right about your lack of a penis and that is going to be an issue some day," said Alexa. Daniel kicked him over so he was on his back and Spencer could see everyone looking at him, he went to get up again and Daniel forced him back down._

_ "Someone help me hold him. He doesn't know how to stay still." Two other players grabbed his arms and forced him to stand up. "I think we should check to see if Brandy is right." Spencer started to struggle in vain, but their grip on him got tighter._

_ "Please don't," he tried to hold back the tears. _

_ "Alexa would you do the honors? He did come out here to see you after all," teased Daniel. Alexa smiled and she stood in front of him and started taking off his clothes._

_ "Stop it please...please stop..." he couldn't stop crying and he heard them all laughing at him._

_ "You know in the off chance that you do manage to get a girl and you cry this much it's a major turn off," snapped Alexa._

_ "Please...I just wanna go home. I won't tell anyone I swear." It was over eighty degrees outside, but he couldn't stop shaking. _

_ "I think I can see it," called another player laughing._

_ "I think everyone needs to see this," said Daniel. They hauled him from behind the field house and over to the goal post. Spencer felt his back hit the post and than something digging into his arms and wrists. _

_ "Please...I just wanna go home...I won't tell..." He couldn't stop crying now and all he heard was laughter. He felt someone wiping away his tears and he saw Alexa smiling at him._

_ "I know you won't tell anyone sweetie." She bent down and kissed him on the mouth. _

_ "It's Friday afternoon...someone should find him before Monday right?" asked Harper sounding slightly nervous._

_ "Maybe...maybe not...come on let's go," said Daniel. Spencer watched them walk away._

_ "Please...just untie me..." They ignored him and walked away. They left him there naked and tied to the post. _

…...

Present day

They regrouped at the sheriff's office, minus Morgan who was still working with Garcia to restore Owen's computer. So far they had figured out that Jordan was alive, what they thought to be her body was a fake. The motives were starting to become clear to Spencer. _Officer Letts was an unfortunate causality. Owen wanted his father dead. Rod Norris was abusing Jordan so he needed to be taken care of. _The latest victim had taken advantage of Jordan when she was a freshmen and had spread rumors about Jordan, Spencer could only imagine what had been said about her to enrage Owen to the point of murder. They were missing three kids from the high school right now, they had been the ones to film the video of Owen. And Spencer found himself torn, he wanted to save the three missing kids, however after what they did. He could only imagine what other horrible things they had done and gotten away with. _They're still kids...just dumb kids and we need to save them, _Spencer kept telling himself that.

"Two alienated kids with no maternal presence and abusive relationships with dominating father's who withheld love. These two where made for a each other," said Rossi and Emily shook her head.

"As lovers, yes. Partners in crime...no. There is nothing in Jordan's profile to indicate that she's capable of violence, let alone murder." _Owen was nice to her...maybe the first person outside of her one friend to be nice to her in years He made her feel special and loved,_ thought Spencer. The monitor beeped at them and Garcia was there trying not to cry.

"A new video just posted to the school's social networking site...you...you need to see it." A video came up, it was shot outside on a hand held camera and three boys dressed only in their boxers and on there knees came up. Johnny Cash was playing in the background and the boys were crying.

"It was just a joke man," pleaded one of the boys.

"And we didn't mean anything by it," said the one in the middle.

"It was like three years ago and no one even remembers," said the last boy.

"I do," said a voice off camera. _Owen._ The boys started pleading and screaming before the gun went off killing them all in seconds. Spencer found himself torn again between feeling sorry for these boys or sorry for Owen. _He didn't ask them to bully him...he just wanted to belong and they took advantage of that. _

…...

Hallum was able recognize the location of where the video was shot and it only took them forty minutes to get there. It was getting close to sunset so the air was finally somewhat breathable. However the dust, gravel and smell of blood were mixed in the air and it ruined it. Spencer was starting to really hate the state of Texas. _I really should just draw a line on a map...all states below this line are places that I need to stay away from. If I don't have to be in them for work reasons I don't wanna be in them. Georgia tops the list, Florida and Texas are currently tied for second and third place,_ thought Spencer. He loosen his tie again and followed Rossi and Hotch to were the bodies of the three teenagers where.

Death appeared to swift from the look of the bullet wounds, Spencer got closer to the bodies and tried not to slip on the gravel and thought about the song Owen had been playing when he killed them. _Johnny Cash...the man in black._

"There's a man going round, taking names and he decides who to free and who to blame. Everybody won't be treated all the same," said Spencer.

"Johnny Cash...Owen was playing that song when he did this," said Rossi. Spencer looked down at the boys and thought about how Owen must have felt standing over them. _Powerful...in control for once. No one was going to hurt him anymore. He had the power for once in his life to be heard and understood._

"Collecting names. He's acting out a revenge fantasy," said Spencer.

"It fits...home, school and the social dynamics do fit perfectly," agreed Rossi. "He's not collecting names, he's collecting injustices."

"We're ready to give the profile," said Hotch and he headed back to the car. Spencer gave the boys one final look and while he did feel sorry for their families he was having trouble working up a feeling for them and it bothered him.

…...

"Screw this! I say we conduct a door to door search looking for him. We're a small town. How far could he have gotten really?" asked one of the officers and Spencer was biting his tongue. _He's making us look foolish, smart enough to fake Jordan's death._

"Once you've heard the profile you will understand why that is a bad idea," said JJ trying to keep her tone even, but she was starting to lose her temper. They had been trying to give the profile for over twenty minutes now and they kept getting shouted down with other ideas.

"We are wasting time..." _Yes we are wasting time and your the cause of it,_ thought Spencer has the officer started up again.

"That is not a good idea," said Hotch trying to keep an even tone.

"And why is that?"

"Because Owen is watching us and the news. Right now he thinks that we think he is gone and that he is safe. If we start knocking on doors he's going to know that he is not and he's going to feel trapped," explained Hotch.

"Why should we care about this little bastard's feelings," snapped the officer and Spencer could feel his own temper starting to slip. _Here's a thought...maybe if someone other than Jordan had cared about his feelings we wouldn't be here right now. Those people wouldn't be dead right now if someone had just taken five minutes to care about 'that little bastard's' feelings. God didn't you watch this kid grow up...how did you not see this coming?_

"Alright! We are here to help you bring in Owen Savage with minimal loss of life. The profile tells you the best way to do that," snapped JJ. Before the officer could open his mouth again, Spencer started giving the profile.

"Owen fits a type of school shooter known as a 'Justice Collector'. He's trying to avenge perceived wrongs."

"If he's a school shooter than why hasn't he hit the school?" asked Hallum.

"Jordan. Most of these guys are so angry, bitter and hopeless they just want to kill as many people as possible and than kill themselves. But, Jordan gives him a reason to live," said Emily. _Wow...that sounds so familiar, _thought Spencer.

"Otherwise he's a textbook case. His life was one torment after another. His teachers gave up on him, his classmates bullied him and his father blamed him the whole time and gave him access to guns. Given these conditions you're all actually very lucky," said Spencer. Hotch closed his eyes and was mentally counting to ten. The officer who wouldn't shut up was at it again.

"It's sounds like you're saying these victims deserved it."

"No one deserves this," said Hotch and he was meaning to say more before Spencer cut him off.

"But you could have prevented it."

"Reid I need to speak with you now," said Hotch in the tone that meant he was in for it and Spencer found himself really not caring He waited until Hotch shut the office door before explaining himself.

"It's the truth! They could have done something...they worked with Owen's father and they knew Owen."

"So what...all adolescents profile like sociopaths and that's the reason you can't diagnosis them until they're eighteen," said Hotch raising his voice slightly.

"Yeah and they could have seen the signs!" _How does no one see this kid screaming for help after knowing him his whole life?_

"No one sees the signs Reid! You know that and making it their fault is not only unfair it's dangerous! I want you to go back to the Savage house and I want you to go through Owen's room."

"Morgan's already doing that."

"And you're going to be joining him!"

"Oh now you're punishing me!" snapped Spencer. _Oh no I'm being grounded...whatever will I do._

"No! I'm using you! You know this kid better than anybody so go find us something we can use!" ordered Hotch. Spencer bit back a swear and left the office. The profile was over and he grabbed his bag and slammed out of the sheriff's office. He had the keys to one of the cars in his pockets and he got into the driver's seat. His hands were shaking so much he could hardly get the key into the ignition. _Yeah...I know that kid...I was him not so long ago._

…...

_1992_

_ It was dark out. Spencer had watched the sun set hours ago and it was starting to get cold out and he couldn't stop shivering. He tried again to wiggle his hands free and found the rope dug into his skin and it hurt. His mother had been sleeping a lot again so he didn't know if she was even aware that he was missing. Catherine's family was taking care of her right now and they were staying at the hospital so they wouldn't be aware that he was missing either. His eyes and throat were burning and raw from crying and screaming for help. It was near spring so no one was using the field at all. He slumped down and pulled his knees into his chest and tried to stay warm. He could be here all weekend if his mother was out of it and Catherine reminded sick. No one would come looking for him, his mother and Catherine would be the only two people that would really miss him and right now they weren't even aware he was missing. He bit back a sob and tried to curl up tighter._

_ He didn't understand what he had done to deserve this...he have never done anything to them. Why couldn't they just leave him alone? He hated them them all right now...Catherine had been right, Brandy had wanted something from him and cheerleaders made him an idiot. He wanted to go home and forget that this had ever happened to him. He wanted to wipe his mouth to get the taste of Alexa's lip gloss off. She had kissed him on the mouth and that was first time anyone had kissed him like that and he wanted to get the taste of her off him._

_ He thought he saw a light coming his way, but he was too scared to call out. Did they come back to hurt him some more. He curled up tighter and closed his eyes. He heard a voice and felt someone touch his head._

_ "Just leave me alone...please," he begged. _

_ "Shush...it's ok." It was Harper. He felt her walk way and she came back a few seconds later and sat something down. He opened his eyes and he noticed that she was behind him and a few moments later his hands were free. He looked over and saw that his clothes and backpack were next to him._

_ "Get dressed." He hurried and put his clothes back on. What was she playing at? Hadn't they hurt him enough already. He looked at her confused and she picked up his backpack._

_ "Come on." She touched his shoulder and he jerked away from her._

_ "Don't you touch me," he spat. Harper looked ashamed and he took his backpack away from her. _

_ "I can take you home," she said picking up her flashlight._

_ "I can walk just fine." He turned and started walking across the field in the dark. He saw the light following him. _

_ "Just leave me alone!" he screamed at her. She came up to him and handed him the flashlight._

_ "I didn't help you. Understand. You got out by yourself. No one needs to know," said Harper and he heard the fear in her voice. He nodded and started walking home. He saw Harper get in her car and she drove away. Spencer wiped his eyes and started his walk home with Harper's flashlight. He made it home and turned the flashlight off. He fished out his house keys and let himself in. His mother was sitting in her office writing._

_ "I'm home," he said softly. She didn't look up him and continued writing. He looked at the clock and saw that it was past midnight. _

_ "I'm going to bed." She said nothing and Spencer went to his room and shut the door. He crawled into his bed fully dressed and buried his face in his pillow so that his mother wouldn't hear him screaming. He didn't know what he had ever done to any of them and yet they had no issue taking his clothes and leaving him tied to a goal post for a weekend. His own mother hadn't even realized his was gone. It wasn't her fault, but still was it too much to ask that she be worried about him a little. No one would have known he was gone and he wondered if anyone would even care._

…...

Present day

Garcia had managed to restore the e-mails and Spencer was sorting through them. Morgan hadn't said much about him being there, but he had a feeling that Hotch had already told him why he was there. Most of the e-mails were to Jordan and they all had the same tone and message to them.

_Jordan,_

_ You know that I love you. I love you more than anything else in this life. I've had very few moments of real happiness and a lot of them are with you. I can never thank you enough for being there for me. No one else has ever been there for me the way you have. You are by far the sweetest, kindest and most loving person I have ever met. I wish my mother was still alive to met you, she would have liked you. I don't deserve you...I really don't. I'm sorry that I'm about to hurt you though, but you deserve better than anything I can give you._

Spencer skimmed through them and felt something inside him freeze. He wrote Amends letters to Catherine that were so similar to this it hurt. They were in his journal that she was still reading, she hadn't gotten to them yet and he could only imagine how she would react to them. _We both got lucky, we both found someone who was willing to love us the way we are and yet we can never really understand why they picked us. Yes we were kind to them, but really us...look at us. You could have anyone you want and you want us. Why?_

Spencer heard Morgan come into the room and sit down on the bed.

"Hey Reid." Spencer was grateful for the distraction from reading these letters that he looked at Morgan. "You know you're not the only one who identifies with this kid." Spencer just looked at Morgan confused and Morgan went on.

"You were right about me being a jock, but not a first. My freshman year I was 5'3 and weighed a buck twenty soaking wet." Morgan let out a small laugh and Spencer had to crack a smile at the mental image of Morgan being so short and skinny.

"Believe me when I say that there was not a day that went by when I was getting my ass kicked. The following summer I hit the weights and I got lucky I grew six inches. But trust me it was never about vanity...it was about survival." Spencer shifted in his chair and looked at the floor.

"I was alone in the library and Harper Hillman comes up to me and tells me that Alexa Lisbon wants to meet me behind the Field House..." Spencer didn't tell Morgan everything. He didn't tell him about the taunts or how Alexa kissed him it was still to fresh and raw in his mind even now.

"They stripped me naked and tied me to a goal post. So many kids were there you know, just watching."

"No body tried to stop them?" asked Morgan. _They waited till no one was around to come back and help me._ Spencer shook his head no.

"I begged them to and they just watched. Finally they got bored and they left...it was like midnight when I got home and my mom was having one of her episodes so she didn't even know I was gone."

"You never told her or Catherine what happened?" asked Morgan. Spencer shook his head.

"I never told anyone...not even Catherine...she was really sick at the time and her family was looking after her so they didn't realize what was going on. I just thought that it was one of those things that if I didn't talk about it I would just forget it...but I can remember it like it was yesterday." Spencer fought back tears and Morgan shook his head.

"Reid, you don't need an eidetic memory for that. You know we forget half of what they teach us in school, but when it comes to the torment and the people who inflicted it we have an elephant's memory."

"Owen just wants to forget and I know what that's like."

"He makes a big deal out of saying good bye to Jordan in all of his e-mails and none of it is short hand."

"He never got to say good bye to his mother. Abandonment is his biggest fear..that's why he chose Jordan he thinks she won't leave him," said Spencer.

"What would happen if she did leave?" asked Morgan.

"He would be lost without her...he fears her leaving, but it's because he's already been abandoned once and she's something he can't imagine losing. It hurts too much. If she's the only thing keeping him from killing himself...take her away and he has nothing to live for."

Spencer felt his phone buzz in his pocket and he took it out of his pocket thinking it was either Hotch or JJ. It was Catherine though sending him a text and he felt a small smile tug at the corners of his mouth. Morgan shook his head.

"Come on...we need to get some sleep. I'll let you have the guest room, I'll take the sofa," said Morgan. Spencer nodded and he headed upstairs. He sat down on the bed and flipped his phone open.

_Hey...the workshop ended early and I'm heading home. Are you there?_ Figures, he thought and started sending his reply.

_I'm in West Bune, Texas. I'm hoping to be home by tomorrow._

_ Where the hell is West Bune Texas...Is that like near anything that looks like a Wal-mart._

_ So far in the middle of nowhere that I haven't seen a Wal-mart._

_ Oh my poor baby...do you have a K-mart at least?" _Spencer smiled slightly. This was one of the reason he was so in love with her, she could make him forget how miserable he was. Even if it was for a few minutes he could forget.

_How was your meeting? _

_ Ok...we can talk about it in detail when I get home._

_Ok. You seem tired so I'll let you get some rest._

_ How can you tell I'm tired from a text?_

_ I am just that awesome. Good night._

_ Night._

…...

_1992_

_ "Hello...is anyone home?" Spencer woke up and realized that he was home that wasn't a dream and what had happened yesterday hadn't been a dream either. He rubbed his eyes and got out of bed. He headed down the hall and saw that Andrew had let himself in with his spare key and was looking around the living room._

_ "Spencer...Diana..." he turned around and saw Spencer standing there. "Oh hey...are you ok?" He took in the young boy's appearance and it worried him. He had slept in his clothes, sneakers and all. His face looked dirty and tear stained. _

_ "I'm ok." The boy was lying to him, but the look on his face told him he was not going to tell him anything no matter what. _

_ "Is your mother home?" Spencer nodded his head towards one of the bedrooms. "Ok...I um...Catherine's fever has been down for forty eight hours and they're letting her have visitors now. I thought you would like to see her first." He wanted to see her...he missed her...she would have noticed he was gone. Had she been there he wouldn't have gone off with Harper...she would have helped him. _

_ "I...I need to take a shower. Can you give my mom her medicine, I don't think she took it yesterday." _

_ "Alright." Spencer locked himself in the bathroom and got undressed. His hands started to shake and he forced himself to take a breath. He could feel Alexa's hands taking off his clothes and he bit back tears. How could he be so stupid? He turned the water on as hot it would go and started to wash, scrubbing until his skin hurt. He got out of the shower and started brushing his teeth and washing his mouth out. He could still recall the taste of lip gloss on his lips and he wanted it gone. God he hated her...hated them...he wanted something horrible to happen to all of them. He wrapped a towel tightly around himself, went into his bedroom and got dressed._

_ He saw Andrew sitting with his mother in her office and making her drink a cup of tea._

_ "You have to drink it all." She drank it and looked at him._

_ "I really have to finish this." _

_ "Of course. I'm going to take Spencer with me to see Catherine for a little bit." She kept writing and Andrew nodded. He turned and gave Spencer a small smile. He left the office and shut the door._

_ "Come on." Andrew put a hand on his back and he felt how tense the child was. They got in the car and he could just see how tense and sad he was. "Spencer. If...if things at home are getting out of hand at home and you start feeling like it's too much. You can always come stay with us...I could try to find your dad for you." _

_ "No. It's fine...everything is fine." Andrew sighed, he had debated time and time again about calling CPS for Spencer. When he brought the idea up to his mother she told him that Spencer was the only reason Diana hadn't killed herself and if they took him away they might as well kill her. Plus who knows what kind of foster home hell he would end up in. Andrew admitted defeat when Catherine asked him not too. _

_ "He'll be so mad at me daddy. If he finds out that we did that he'll hate me forever." Andrew was at a lost, she was finally starting to come out her shell and making friends at her new school. Taking away her only friend...taking his only friend away just seemed cruel to both children. He never made the call and he made it point to always check up on him. He had called William Reid though and got no where with him. He could never understand why he just left Spencer to fend for himself. He was a child who had grown up far to fast in some ways and in other ways was still stuck. _

_ They got to hospital and he took Spencer up to the Recovery wing of the hospital. Catherine was sitting up in her bed and was watching some sort of cartoon. _

_ "I'm going to go get some breakfast from the dining hall. Think you could watch her for me?" Spencer was already in the room before he could finish the sentence. He couldn't see the look on Spencer's face, but the smile on Catherine's face spoke volumes. He watched Spencer pull up a chair and tentatively reach out and take Catherine's hand. They were still children and he hoped that when they stopped being children they could still hold on to whatever this was between them without getting hurt along the way. He turned and headed downstairs._

_ "I was worried about you," signed Spencer._

_ "How long was I out? My dad won't tell me," signed Catherine._

_ "You got sick on Monday afternoon, they took you to the hospital late Tuesday night and it's Saturday morning now. How do you feel?" _

_ "Sore and kind of tired. I also have an awesome scar to show for it." Spencer smiled and was just relieved that she was ok. _

_ "Are you mad at me?" asked Spencer. Catherine looked at him confused. _

_ "Why?" He looked down at the bed sheets while he signed._

_ "I just...those girls...they're not prettier than you. In any way, shape or form. In fact they're kind of ugly." She was worried about him. The way he was signing looked sad and broken, but what he signed put a small smile on her face and for the first time in a week she felt really good. _

_ "I can't stay mad at you. You're my best friend...you always will be," she said it so softly he almost missed it._

_ "Yeah...always."_

Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly-Sam Keen


	32. Chapter two part seven

Chapter two part seven

There are chapters in every life which are seldom read and certainly not aloud. Carol Shields

The next morning they went to the hotel Garcia had booked for them and he took a shower and changed clothes. Spencer knew what needed to be done, he didn't have to like it though. They had to get Jordan away from Owen. He didn't know how they were going to do it, but in order to save her life Owen would have to die. Spencer felt sick to his stomach and he had hardly slept last night. Owen was either going to kill himself or make them do it. It didn't seem fair at all, this child had suffered so much and now they were going to take away the one thing he loved. She was the only person other than his mother who had shown him love and kindness.

_I was this boy once...I just couldn't hurt them back the way they hurt me. If I could have I would have. I wanted to hurt them so much and I just wanted to stop hurting too. I couldn't go through with it though...it would have hurt my mother...it would have hurt Catherine and I couldn't hurt them. No one else would have been there for them._

He got into the passenger seat and Morgan got into the driver's seat of the SUV.

"Reid...what we talked about last night...it stays between us. I just wanted you to know that," said Morgan.

"I know." He took a sip of his coffee. "Thank you." They drove to the sheriff's office in silence. They walked into the office and went up to Hotch and Emily. _I found you something you could use._

"Owen's mother's death left him with serve issues of abandonment. If we can get Jordan away from him, it will save her and take away his reason to leave," explained Spencer. Hotch looked at him, he wasn't pleased with the conclusion he had come too.

"You're saying he'll take his own life."

"It's the only way we can save Jordan," said Morgan.

"So how do we get her to leave him?" asked Hotch.

"He's kept Jordan in the dark so she doesn't know about the murders," said Spencer. _I kept Catherine in the dark about my drug problem and what happened to me. I thought I was doing it to protect her, but it was me I was protecting because I knew what she would do if she found out. Owen is doing the same thing._

"So we need to tell her." said Morgan.

"She'll turn herself in than," said Emily.

"But even if we could talk to her the only person she trusts is Owen," said Hotch. Emily looked defeated and she grabbed her cell.

"There is one other person. Her friend from school-Eileen. Owen got Jordan a PDA that would only ring if he or Eileen call. She might be able to get something to Jordan.

…...

Spencer and Hotch went to Eileen's home with Emily and JJ. He and Hotch stood outside the girl's bedroom door listening while JJ and Emily talked to her.

"But he loves Jordan and he would never hurt her," protested Eileen.

"If the police find them and there is no way he will. We've seen it before," said Emily. Spencer heard Eileen sniffle, she was trying to protect her friends and she knew that she had no choice in this matter. _We're just dumping all over these kids,_ thought Spencer.

"We want to send her a text explaining the reality of the situation," said JJ.

"You want to protect her and be her friend this is your last chance," said Emily. He knew she was right, but still it was harsh and he could only imagine the blame this girl had already placed on herself. Eileen started typing and she read out loud what she was typing.

"Jordan...there are some people with me who want to talk to you. Listen to what they have to say. There are with the FBI." Spencer heard the chime of the message being sent.

"You're doing the right thing," said Emily.

"It doesn't feel right." Eileen headed out of the room with JJ behind her. Spencer and Hotch entered and Emily just looked depressed.

"Why do I get the feeling that nothing is going to turn out good?" asked Emily. Spencer sat down in the computer chair with a flash drive and he plugged it in and waited for Hotch's word.

"Send her the news coverage," said Hotch.

"Tell her to look at the pictures and tell her we know that Owen didn't tell her about any of this," said Emily. Spencer did so and he could only imagine the heart break he was causing her right now. It wasn't fair.

"You're lairs!" Was her reply.

"Send her the MPEG of the shooting," ordered Hotch. Spencer looked at him shocked. That was just cruel. She didn't need to see what he had done. He knew that getting her away from him was key to saving her life, but couldn't they let her have one piece of her heart not destroyed by this.

"Do it," said Hotch. Spencer loaded the MPEG and felt sick doing so.

"Tell her when the police come for you that Owen will kill you and kill himself," said Emily. _We're not going to let this girl have anything are we. When we're done she'll be broken...she'll still love him and that's going to be even worse,_ thought Spencer typing in the message.

"You lie! Owen loves me," said Spencer reading her reply and than she logged off. "She's gone now what do we do?"

"We've planted the seeds now we have to wait," said Hotch. Spencer felt so sorry for this girl he had never met in his life. She just wanted to be happy and she thought she had found someone to be happy with and now she was finding out in the most brutal way possible that she didn't know this person at all and that he would hurt her without a thought if the need arose. _Catherine learned that when she found the drugs. I hurt her without a thought and yet she still cared about me. Let Jordan hang on to one small piece of that._

The instant message chimed letting them know she was back.

"You were right...what do I do?" Emily read her reply out loud and Spencer wondered what this girl had seen in ten minutes to change her mind.

"Ask her where she is," said Hotch.

"If I tell you, you will hurt him," read Emily.

"She's not going to give it up," said Spencer and he wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel. The fact that she was still willing to protect Owen after everything she had just learned spoke volumes about how much she loved him, but it was that love that could get her killed.

"Ask her if she can get away," said Hotch and Spencer typed the message.

"I can try," was the reply. She logged off and was gone for fifteen minutes before she logged back in.

"You turned her against me." _Oh god...did she confront him about this? _ He remembered how much he wanted to hurt Catherine when she had confronted him about his problems. He hadn't physically hurt her, but he would be lying to himself to say that the impulse wasn't there to do so and it made him sick to admit that even now. Owen had murdered seven people. If she confronted him and had said the wrong thing he would kill her too.

"It's not Jordan," said Spencer just feeling broken.

"Please tell me we just didn't get Jordan killed," said Emily sadly.

"She could have left the PDA behind," said Hotch.

"Do you want me to try talking to him?" asked Spencer even though he was at lost now. _If she's dead and he killed her, he won't last much longer. He'll want to hurt himself for hurting her and he'll kill himself. _ The PDA logged off before Hotch could give an order.

"We should go back of the sheriff's office and wait for her there. If she got away that's where she'll be going," said Hotch. Spencer closed the IM program and cleared off everything he had on this girl's computer. They left the room and Emily pulled JJ aside to tell her what happen.

"So did you get a hold of Jordan?" asked Eileen hopeful. JJ shook her head and Spencer watched JJ tell her the news and he watched Eileen's face just break into tears.

"God why couldn't you just leave them alone? They were happy together! Her daddy used to hit her. Owen's dad used to hit him too! Kyle tricked Jordan into sleeping with him and than he made everyone laugh at her and that video...god that was just sick! Is it so wrong that those horrible people are gone now? They just wanted to be happy!" Eileen ran into her bedroom and slammed the door shut. Spencer knew how Eileen felt and wished that he could give her a reason why.

…...

Spencer was getting a cup of coffee when the door to the station opened. He looked up and there stood Jordan Norris. She looked much younger than sixteen, her face was streaked with tears and the look in her eyes was of someone who had just had her heart broken and her soul crushed all at once. _Catherine had that look in her eyes when I told that I didn't love her. _Before he could go to her, JJ and Emily were by her side and were ushering her into another room to talk with her. They shut the door and Morgan looked at him.

"Poor girl," said Morgan.

"Life has a way of hitting you the hardest when your down," said Spencer. JJ had pulled the blinds shut so they had no way of seeing what was going on.

"Do you think she'll tell us where he is?" asked Morgan.

"If she loves him enough...she'll want to help him. She...she won't be able to stand the thought of him being alone and hurt," said Spencer. _It was why Catherine reached out to Gideon to help me. _The door opened and Emily went over to them.

"She's says her and Owen were staying at a ranch outside of town."

"I'll tell Hotch," said Morgan and he went to get him. Spencer dumped his coffee.

"You alright?" asked Emily. She was worried about him, they all sometimes had a case that just tore something inside them to pieces. This was clearly one of those cases for him. He shrugged and looked at JJ comforting Jordan.

"Is she going to be ok?" asked Spencer.

"It's not going to be easy. She just found out that her boyfriend killed her father and several other people. It's not easy finding out that someone you loved isn't who you thought they were," said Emily.

"It never is," said Spencer. Hotch, Morgan , Rossi and Hallum approached them with several officers. Spencer took a vest from Morgan and followed them out to the cars. _Let's just get this over with._

…...

They found the body of the ranch owner next to a half dug grave. _This is what must of sent her running. She needed to see it with her own eyes,_ thought Spencer. They quickly cleared the house and Owen was no where to be found. Hallum came with a note that Owen had written, Hotch read it out loud.

"I'm going to return my mom's necklace to her. We didn't find it at the house, but it could be there. Sheriff head back to the Savage house and wait for him there."

"And where are you going?" asked Hallum.

"Where is his mother buried?" asked Hotch and Hallum gave them directions to a cemetery near the Savage house. _He already said good bye to his mother...he has nothing else to say to her. Return the necklace...my mother would have liked you. Hope Savage was wearing a necklace in the picture on Owen's desktop. He would want her to have that. He's going to go after Jordan...she's the only thing he would want to say good bye to,_ thought Spencer. He needed to go back to the station, but he needed to do it alone. If they all came with him Owen would end up dead. He took off his vest and Hotch looked at him.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"He's going to force us to kill him and I don't need to be apart of that. You don't need me," said Spencer. Hotch looked at him, trying to read what was going on in the young agent's mind and he couldn't find it.

"Meet us back at the station," was all he said and he got into the SUV with Rossi and Morgan. Another car headed to the Savage house and Spencer got in a different car heading back to station and Spencer hoped that he was right and that he got there in time.

…...

Emily watched Jordan stare off into space and than try not to cry. Emily sat down next to her.

"You think I'm dumb don't you?" asked Jordan. "He hurt all those people and I didn't know it."

"I don't think you're dumb Jordan. I think you fell in love with someone that cared about you and you cared about him back. Trust me...I've seen people fall for less."

"I can remember the first day I met Owen. I was sitting in class and they introduced him and he had the prettiest eyes. They put him in the desk across from me and he kept looking over at me...not in a creepy way...or like I was slut. It was like he wanted to tell me something and he just couldn't spit it out. I never had anyone look at me like that...like I was the only person in the whole world. That I was the only person who mattered," said Jordan.

"You felt special," said Emily. Jordan nodded.

"He was just so sweet and kind. I could never understand why everyone was so mean to him. Did I make him do this? He killed my daddy...he killed Kyle...was this my fault?"

"No...no Jordan. He was just hurting so much from everything and he just wanted it to stop. If anything you saved him. He could have hurt a lot more people and it was his love for you that stopped it." Jordan sighed and tried to not cry and Emily felt for her. It was a lot of responsibility to put on a sixteen year old girl. She looked up and saw Reid coming back inside without the others and she went up to him. He looked almost frantic and he went up the evidence board and yanked a picture of Hope Savage off the board.

"They think he's going to his mother's grave," said Reid.

"Isn't he?" asked Emily. He ignored her and went right up to Jordan.

"He was gone when we got to the ranch. I want to save his life, but I need to ask you a question. This necklace...did he give it to you?" Jordan felt around her neck.

"I must have left it at the ranch," admitted Jordan.

"He's coming here," said Reid and took off before Emily could say anything. JJ had come back and overheard what was going on.

"Call Hotch and don't let her out of this room," said Emily and she turned to follow Reid. He was outside and was looking up and down the street in the same frantic manner.

"What makes you think he would come here?" asked Emily.

"It's what I would do," he said and Emily just looked at him stunned. Reid looked over her shoulder and he took out his gun and handed to her.

"Prentiss...cover me." She turned and there walking down the middle of Main street was Owen Savage with an assault rifle.

"Wait! Reid!"

"Do not shoot." Before she could do anything else he was walking towards Owen Savage with his hands up. _Oh my god..._

…...

"Owen...I don't have a gun." The boy looked at him stunned. "My name is Spencer. I'm with the FBI and I'm here to help you."

"Well I need you to stay back," snapped Owen and his grip on the rifle tighten up. Spencer heard the sound of siren and brakes squealing behind him.

"I know the only reason you joined that team was to get your father's approval and I know that he blamed you for what happened." Spencer got closer and he looked behind him to see that Hotch, Rossi and Morgan had taken cover behind the doors of the SUV and that they were trying to line up a shot on Owen. _Morgan has one if you step to the left._ Spencer stepped to the right blocking the shot and he got closer to Owen. He turned back and looked at Owen who's hands were shaking on the rifle.

"STAY BACK!" yelled Owen.

"I know the only reason you killed Rod Norris and Kyle Bordin was to protect Jordan." At the mention of her name a look came over Owen's face. It was one of sadness and regret.

"I know the harder you tried the worse it got. It felt like every single person was just standing there watching you suffer and no one even tried to help." _This was your life once...I felt so alone._ Owen was trying not cry and his face twisted into a mask of rage. Spencer looked and saw that Hotch was trying to line up a shot, Spencer moved into his line of fire and got closer to Owen.

"They didn't...none of them did," spat Owen shaking.

"I know you want to escape and forget. Believe me when I say I know exactly how that feels." Owen was looking at him confused. _We're the same..really. I've been where you are now and this is not the thing you want to do._

"You don't have to die." Owen's grip was slipping on the rifle and he got this far away look on his face.

"No...I'm already dead." _He knows that this is the end for him and Jordan and that he'll never be with her again. It's almost like being dead. If he really cares about her though he won't leave her this way...not without a good bye first._

"No...if you die...you're going to leave Jordan behind just like your mother left you." The hurt and sadness coming off this child could almost be felt and he looked away from Spencer. "You don't want that do you?"

"No...you bring her here to me. You bring her outside." _The second I step away they will kill you. Even if they don't they won't let me bring her to you carrying that gun._

"I can't do that. If you put the gun down I swear to God I'll take you to her. I promise that nobody will hurt you. You'll say goodbye to her and give her the necklace. Alright." Owen looked away from him and was clearly trying to figure out what to do. _He loves her, but he's so enraged and sad right now he doesn't know what to do._

"Just put the gun down and we'll go inside," he said softly like a parent speaking to a child. Owen stood there for what felt like forever before taking the gun off his shoulder and laying it down on the ground. Owen walked over to Spencer and handed him the necklace.

"Don 't move!" ordered Morgan and Owen put up his hands and got on his knees. He allowed Morgan to handcuff him without a fight.

"It's ok...it's over," called Rossi to the squad car that just pulled up. Morgan took a knife off Owen and tossed it to the side. Hotch was glaring at him and Spencer wasn't sure which action Hotch wanted to do more, fire him or kill him. Morgan took one arm and Spencer took the other and they marched Owen inside. He didn't say a word, he was done. They got inside and the first thing Owen saw was Jordan and how sad she was and that she had been and still was crying. Spencer looked at Morgan and Morgan allowed him to walk Owen over to Jordan.

Jordan looked up at Owen with this look of sadness, lost and love all mixed together and Spencer saw it mirrored in Owen's face. Spencer took Jordan's hand and gave her the necklace. Spencer looked at Owen and waited a few moments to see if he was going to say anything. Owen nodded his head and Spencer understood, he couldn't find words to say what he wanted to say. Spencer took Owen in the back towards the cell area.

"How...how do you know what it's like?" asked Owen.

"I just do...I just know what's it's like to be begging for help and no one hears it. I know what it's like to find one person who just makes it all go away." Owen looked up at him and it was an instant understanding between two people who just knew how cruel people could be and how much one person could change everything. Spencer had an officer open cell and placed Owen inside the cell. He turned to leave and Owen called out to him.

"Spencer...um...thank you. For letting me say good bye." He nodded at Owen and left.

…...

Spencer took a seat in the back of the jet so he could be alone to think. Could he have killed Alexa and the others for what they did to him? He hated them for the rest of the time they were together in high school. They graduated that summer, but he still hated them after they left and even now if he really reached back into his mind he could still remember that feeling of total hatred he felt towards them. He should have known that he wouldn't be alone for long. Hotch had waited until everyone was asleep or distracted before coming to sit with him. _Oh I think he might have decided if he's going to kill me or fire me. I could go into teaching...Catherine makes it look easy. The pay and the hours might be the same as now._

"You knowingly jeopardized your life and the lives of others," said Hotch and Spencer nodded. He had known Owen was going to go after Jordan, he couldn't run away from her. Spencer looked down at the table between them and just waited.

"I should fire you." Spencer looked at Hotch confused. "You are the smartest kid in the room, but your not the kid in that room. You pull something like this again and you will be...am I clear?" asked Hotch and Spencer nodded. _I couldn't let him fall...someone had to do something._

"Yes sir. It won't happen again. Thank you." He got to stay and he wanted to stay here helping others.

"What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that would have been the second kid to die in front of me."

It was more than that. It was seeing how differently his life could have turned out if he had given into the hate he felt for those people on that football field. How many people would he have hurt had he done what Owen had done? How many people wouldn't be here if he had taken Owen's road...he would still be in jail or on death row instead of sitting here part of the FBI's brightest unit. He wouldn't be going home to his best friend had he taken that road. Owen's road was done for now, but he didn't have to die. Maybe he could change...he didn't know.

"You're keeping score just like Owen," said Hotch.

"It was my turn to save someone." They had all done it, saved a life and maybe it wasn't the best life he had saved. It still had to be done.

"That's not how it works," said Hotch.

"It should."

"I know it's painful when the person you identify the most with is the bad guy."

"So what does that make me?" asked Spencer.

"Good at the job." Spencer couldn't help but give Hotch a small smile. Hearing that meant more than any award the FBI would give him. That he had chosen the right path in his life, it was the hard one, the lonely one at times, but the right one. Hotch went to get up from his chair and he looked at him.

"I know it's none of my business but I think that when we land you should catch the rest of that movie." Spencer was somehow not surprised that Hotch had seen through his lie about being late due to a movie. He patted Spencer on the shoulder and went to take a seat. Spencer looked down and in his hand was John's One Year medallion. _He said I would understand and I think I do...I can't give this up despite how much it hurts at time and I need to remember that it's more than just me and the team I __effect. It's the people that haven't been saved yet and will need it. _He felt his phone buzz in his pocket and he saw that Catherine was texting him.

_Penny said your case was closed. You coming home tonight or in the morning? _

_Tonight. Can you meet me at the Metro and we can go home together._

_ Sure. Give me a time._

He gave her the time he expected to land and sat back in his seat and placed the medallion back in his bag and took out Catherine's rosary. He ran his fingers over the beads. The first three beads after the large one was where you prayed the Hail Mary's. They were prayers for faith, hope and charity. He felt the first one and was thankfully that he still could find faith to do this job. He felt the second one and thought about hope...he could still hope that when he was done at the end of the day he had done some good for someone. He felt the last one-charity. Could this job be considered charity? They helped those that could not help themselves and gave them something that they needed. _I am where I needed to be._

…...

Catherine was sitting on a bench outside of the main station. It was amazing to him that he could only be away from her for a few days and feel like he was just seeing her for the first time in his life when he came home. She spotted him and gave him a smile. She got up and walked over to him.

"You know you're like almost twenty minutes late and..." He bent down and kissed her hard. It startled her, Spencer was not one for serious public displays of affection. He would take her hand or give her a quick kiss on the forehead, but this was almost a full on make out kiss. He complained all the time when the kids on the Metro make out and yet here he was kissing the hell out of her. He broke the kiss and just grinned at her.

"Why hello strange man...I don't think we know each other. I'm waiting for my boyfriend who once told me that nothing annoyed him more than those damn kids sucking face like they were going to making kissing illegal. I think he said something to the effect of wanting to know why they couldn't just stay home and have the pre fornication activities there," signed Catherine trying not to laugh.

"I might have changed my mind...I missed you," signed Spencer. She simply took his hand and they walked down the stairs to catch the train home.

…...

"So how was the meeting?" asked Catherine. He sat down in a chair across from Catherine.

"It was ok...I had to leave during the sharing portion of the meeting. We had a case..." He trailed off and Catherine caught the change in how he was signing.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He needed to talk about it.

"There was this kid and after years and years of bullying and abuse he just snapped Catherine." He told her about the Owen's father and Jordan's father. He told her about the boy who spread rumors about Jordan and the boys who made the video of Owen and how it all came to a head in the middle of the street. Catherine just looked at him shocked and saddened the whole time.

"God...really? The school did nothing for these kids...how could they not see it?" She was stunned and at lost for words. He could only imagine what she was feeling as a teacher. She loved her students and would do anything for them.

"So what's going to happened to Owen and Jordan?" she asked.

"Jordan is going to be staying with her aunt in Dallas and I don't know what's going to happen with Owen...I just...I knew how much he was hurting and how much he just wanted it to stop. Can I tell you something?" asked Spencer. Catherine just raised an eyebrow.

"That is just a dumb question Dr. Reid." She smiled at him and he shifted in his chair.

"Do you remember when we were eleven and you were in the hospital for your appendix?" She nodded and he went on. "I was studying in the library..." he told her what happened to him on that football field and he watched the color drain out of her face. Her hands balled up into fists and she was shaking. When he finished she was beyond upset, her hands were shaking as she was signing to him.

"Why...god Spencer! They should have been expelled for that...they assaulted you. They...god they hurt you and they had no right to do that to you. You were just a kid." Her hands were shaking so much it was getting harder for her to sign. He reached over and grabbed her hands. She looked at him and squeezed her hands.

"I know that. It..it still hurts...even now but I know that my life would be different had I acted differently. Had I acted like Owen..." she shook her head.

"That's not you...it would never be you."

"I wanted to...I wanted to hurt them so much."

"You didn't. Why didn't you hurt them back?"

"Because it would hurt my mom. It would hurt you."

"That's why it would never be you." He bit his lip and he couldn't look at her for some reason. She got up and Spencer felt her straddle him. He found himself pinned in the chair by her.

"Look at me," she said softly touching his face. He swallowed the lump in his throat and looked at her.

"What they did to you and what they did to Owen...I can't imagine how hurt and scared you both were. What I do know is that when it was done you thought about your mother first...you thought about me. I'm proud of you. Gideon was right, you are a much stronger person than you think you are," she spoke slowly. Spencer felt another lump start to rise in his throat and she leaned close to him and she kissed him slowly. He felt her start unbuttoning his shirt and her hands on his bare chest. He let his hands settle on her thighs and he let himself give into all the feelings he had for her. _I love you, I need you, and I don't know what I would do without you._

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be. ~Douglas Adams

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	33. Chapter two part eight

Chapter two part eight

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. James Thurber

Spencer was reading through one of his new Philosophy textbooks when Emily sat down across from him.

"You know you never answered my question," teased Emily.

"What question?"

"About having baby geniuses? You never answered me." Spencer sort of looked up at her.

"Technically speaking it would be up to Catherine so it's not my decision."

"I'm sure that you would have some say in the decision considering it would be part yours." Spencer said nothing and turned the page in his book. Emily looked at the younger agent and noticed a faint hint of pink come into his face. She looked around and made sure people were either sleeping or otherwise busy before speaking again.

"Is...is Catherine...are you guys...expecting?" Spencer looked up quickly.

"No...oh no. I mean...we thought we were..." he mentally kicked himself for that slip up and Emily smirked.

"Thought. You thought..." Spencer cut her off.

"It was a few months ago and we had a false positive test and we just let it go," said Spencer.

"So you thought she was. How did it make you feel?" asked Emily grinning. Spencer sat his book down. He realized they still had three hours left on the flight and Emily wasn't going to let it go. Even now he really wasn't sure how he felt about the thought of her with his child. When she told him he remembered feeling scared, worried and maybe underneath it all a little happy.

…... "You're not paying attention," signed Spencer. They were sitting across from each other playing Scrabble and this was one of the few games that Catherine could beat him at. However, she was clearly not paying attention and was just letting him win. She was playing with her hair and she had this far away look on her face. She had been spacey and distracted the last couple of days and it didn't take a profiler to see she was hiding something from him.

"Just thinking," she signed and she put down some letters down and Spencer frowned, she had just missed her chance for a triple word score. She was really out of it and it made him worry.

"Hey, talk to me. Something is clearly bothering you." Catherine sighed and she looked up at him.

"You have to promise that you won't be upset with me."

"Why would I be upset with you?" asked Spencer really confused and worried about where she was taking this. Catherine took a sip of her tea and looked at him.

"I...I missed a couple of my pills. When you were gone in Colorado...I just forgot to take them and than you came home and well you know and..." she took a deep breath before going on. "I think I'm pregnant."

Spencer's mind went blank for a second and than he recalled the events she was talking about. He and Emily had been held hostage in Colorado for almost three days by a religious cult. Catherine had met him at the airport when he landed and he could see just how worried she had been about him. Hotch had told her that she didn't need to go out of Colorado for him and that everything was going to be fine, but he had a feeling that her being stuck in D.C waiting hadn't been much better. She was almost shaking in his arms when he hugged her.

"I was so worried about you. You have no idea," she muttered.

"I can guess," he said to himself. Catherine looked over at Emily and she went over and hugged her.

"You going to be ok?" asked Catherine seeing the marks on Emily's face.

"You should see the other guy," signed Emily trying to joke. Catherine gave her a dry laugh and hugged her again before leaving with Spencer. When they got home it was almost manic how they were with each other they just needed other each that much. It almost reminded him of how it was after Georgia, just the desperate need of it.

Catherine was looking at him worried. She was always careful about her birth control and she couldn't believe that she had been so sloppy and forgetful about her pills. They had never talked about having children and now here they were looking at the possibility of having a baby.

"Please say something," said Catherine looking fearful.

"Are you sure?" asked Spencer.

"I took a home test a few days ago and it said it positive. I have an appointment with my doctor to confirm it this week. But, I've taken home test before and they seem to have a good track record. It's just we've just never talked about this before. It's silly right that after being together for almost three years and everything we have talked about _this_ never came up. "

Spencer sat there feeling stunned, they had never discussed children or anything truly long term. He just enjoyed the relationship the way they were. He was very committed to her and really why change anything if it was working just fine. Plus, he had seen far to many marriages go horribly wrong both in his personal life and in his professional life. He imagined his own parents and Catherine's had once been very much in love and how that ended with fights and screams about how they hated each other. Hotch seemed to still be very in love with Haley and that ended because of the job and now Hotch was trying to make sure he didn't make that mistake with his son. Spencer got up and sat next to Catherine who was trying to stay calm.

"I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm not mad at you. We both had a part in this, it's not like you conceived it by yourself." Catherine let out a snort of laughter and than Spencer thought back to what she had told him. That she a good track record with home test which meant that she had thought she had been pregnant before.

"You thought you were pregnant with Paul?" he asked. Catherine looked at him confused to why he was bring up her ex-husband. "You said you had a good track record with the home test so you must have thought you were pregnant before...how did you feel than?"

"It was one of the reasons he asked me to marry him. We thought I was pregnant and even though the test came back negative he felt it was a sign or something. I was ok not being pregnant and that should have been a sign that it wasn't going to last," She was looking down at the table and Spencer had a feeling that she was still holding something back from him.

"That was the only time?" asked Spencer. Catherine wouldn't look at him and she was biting her lip hard. "Catherine...was that the only time?"

"The first time I took a home test...it was because of you."

…...

1999

Catherine sat on the edge of her bed and held the box in her shaking hands. She had driven an hour out of town to get this test and now she couldn't take it. It was simple. Go to the bathroom, pee on the stick, wait fifteen minutes and find out how much she had screwed up her life. It had been almost three weeks since her father had gone to the hospital for his heart attack, three weeks since she had come home with Spencer, three weeks since they slept together and three weeks since he told her that he didn't see a romantic relationship working. Spencer had gone back to school a week ago and that's when it hit her that she was almost two weeks late. How could she had been so stupid?

_You know it was right here in this room, on this bed that you may have conceived a baby with someone who doesn't love you? Well he loves you, but not the same way you love him. _Catherine took the test into the bathroom, peed on the stick and left the bathroom. She laid down on her bed and looked over at her clock and waited for fifteen minutes to pass. She didn't know what she was going to do if she was pregnant. She couldn't have an abortion it was just against her beliefs, she didn't know if she could give it up for adoption. She didn't think she could handle the thought of a part of her and a part of Spencer being out there in the world and not being in it's life. Which really meant her only choice was her keeping the baby.

Catherine put her hands over her stomach and fought back the urge to cry. God how stupid she had been. She might have to quit school to take care of the baby. She didn't know how people were going to react when she told them. She wondered how disappointed her father would be in her? He told her to not just go and throw herself away and she had. At the time she thought it meant something to both of them and now she wondered if it meant anything to him. Catherine debated what to do if that test turned positive. Part of her wanted to drive to Cal Tech, march herself into whatever class he was in and throw said test in his face. She wanted to yell at him, curse at him, let him know that if her life was going to hit the brakes he was going to give up something too. That it wasn't fair to make her feel this way about him and than leave when she needed him.

Another part of her was against telling him anything at all. He didn't love her the way she loved him, but he would insist on 'doing the right thing' be it marry her, quit school or move back to Vegas to get a job doing anything he would do it and that it wouldn't be for her. It would be because that's what people would expect and she didn't want that. If he was going to do that she wanted it to be because he loved her and wanted her. Which he didn't. He loved her, he wasn't _in _love with her and it hurt. She wiped her eyes and saw that only six minutes had passed and she wanted to scream.

_I need to see about getting a job and a place to crash in case dad totally flips his shit. Hell he might even drive to Cal Tech with a shotgun to force his ass home. God he's going to be so disappointed in me. I don't think he'll throw me out, but he's not going to happy that I was such an idiot. It figures that I lose my virginity and get knocked up on the first round. I might have to give up my membership with the church, I'll have to give up dance classes, I'll have to give up any chance of studying overseas again...I wonder what they'll look like._

She pressed her hands over her stomach and thought about what this baby might look like. She hoped it was a girl, it was cliché but she didn't care. She wondered which one of them it would take after. If she could pick a feature that she really wanted the baby to have it would be to have Spencer's hands. He had such long and delicate hands, she couldn't count the times that she would just stare at his hands...the slender fingers. The way his hands felt on her skin, his fingers digging into her hips. _He left bruises on my hips from how hard he was holding on. _They had faded and now she was looking at maybe having a permanent reminder of that night. She looked at the clock and saw that fifteen minutes had passed. Catherine forced herself off the bed and walked into the bathroom. She closed her eyes and picked up the test. She counted to ten and opened her eyes. _Negative._

The little minus sign caused her to slump to the floor in shock. Catherine closed her eyes again and looked at the test again, the little minus sign was still there. She reread the directions-a plus was positive and a minus was negative. It was so simple that even a grade school kid could tell you the results. She sat on the floor of the bathroom for what felt like forever trying to figure out why she was happy and sad all at once. She would still have to see a doctor about why she was so late, but at least she wasn't pregnant. A few days later she got her period and when she went to the doctor she asked to be put on birth control. _I'm not going through that again._ The summer went on, her dad got released from the hospital and he complained about the diet and work out routine the doctors put him on. They got a dog to give him another reason to go on long walks. She got a letter from Spencer once every two weeks and she wrote back, but she found herself holding back from him. She was still hurt over what had happened. Summer ended and she went back to school and her father went back to work with the doctor's blessing. She went out with her friends on group dates, but she turned down all offers for solo dates. She just wanted to focus on herself right now and making sure her dad stayed ok. Before she realized it Thanksgiving was upon them and the doorbell light came on when she had her arm up a turkey stuffing it with a heart healthy recipe the doctor gave her. Her dad went to get the door, thinking it was his friend Noah and his wife. Catherine was getting ready to shove more stuffing in the bird when her father and Spencer came into the kitchen.

"Look what the cat brought in," he signed smiling. Catherine felt her breath catch in her throat. Spencer gave her a shy smile and eyed her hand full of stuffing and where it was about to go.

"You know that turkey never did anything to you...I know I said I was going to stay on campus, but they wouldn't keep the dorm open for just me. You don't mind do you?" he asked.

"Of course not. I'll set another place and the guest room is already made up. I think Catherine could use some help with the potatoes." Her dad walked away leaving them alone, it was the first time they had been alone in months. He had told her at the hospital he was going back to California and it was so quick she didn't have a chance to really say anything.

"Hi," he signed looking at her. _She was under me when I was inside her, her mouth on mine, we fit so perfectly and it felt right._

"Hey," she said looking back at him. _I let you have something no one else will ever get, I held you when it was done and you left with me feeling so alone. _

"I missed you," he signed. Spencer could feel a distant growing between them. It was natural that people would grow apart, but this was not a natural growing apart. He knew that she was mad that he left for several reasons. She had helped him with his mother for years and the second her family had a crisis he was no where to be found. Plus there was what had happened on 'That Night'

He had acted like a jerk on several levels. It had been the first time for both of them and he acted like it was a mistake. It was far from a mistake in his mind and he treated her poorly by leaving without even saying goodbye and saying that he wasn't in love with her. Truth be told he had wanted her and been in love with her for years. He couldn't count the times he had thought about her in that way and the second she let him have it he ran away like a scared dog. Looking at her now, he realized that he might be too late to try. She gave him a half smile and went back to getting the turkey ready. It wasn't how she used to be with him, the smile didn't reach her eyes. _I came back just to see you...ask you out for a real date...try to tell you how I really feel._

Catherine realized in that second why she had been so happy and sad when the test came back negative. She was happy for the obvious reasons-her life could go on without interruption. She was sad because it meant that now he could act like nothing had happened between them and she was left holding the emotional baggage. They talked a little while prepping dinner, nothing serious just school stuff and Spencer couldn't help but notice how she kept her distance from him and it was like being kicked in the gut. He wanted his friend back and he didn't know how to get her back. The guests came a few hours later, one of the couples brought their teenage nephew with them and introduced him to Catherine.

"Catherine this is Paul. He's going to be starting at LVUD next fall. Catherine is a Sophomore there." Paul looked at Catherine and shook her hand. Spencer felt something inside him freeze when he saw them together and he saw that smile on her face, the one that used to be for him.

…...

"Why didn't you tell me than?" asked Spencer. He was reeling from the fact that she had thought she could be pregnant and had never told him.

"I wasn't and besides you made your feelings at the time clear," explained Catherine suddenly regretting going down this road.

"Would you have told me if you had been?"

"I don't know...you would have figured out when you came home that fall. Or when my dad showed up with a shot gun. God Spencer I was eighteen and scared out of my mind. You have no idea what it was like to be in that spot? I...I was going to keep it if I had been so I guess I would have told you. Why are we focusing on the one that didn't happen and not on the one that might be happening right now?" asked Catherine.

"I don't know. I guess I'm just mad at myself that you felt like you couldn't come to me and you needed me to be there. I have no idea what being in that position is like and I guess we should be focusing on the one that could be happening right now. How late are you?"

"Three weeks...I go see the doctor next week to confirm it. Do you want to come with me?" He leaned over and kissed her.

"Yes."

…...

Spencer couldn't sleep and he kept looking over at Catherine. She was sleeping on her back and he couldn't help but stare at her still flat stomach. _That's going to change._ The thought of her carrying his child was frightening. It wasn't just the thought of being a parent, even though that was also frightening. It was the genetics that worried him. He hadn't shown any signs of his mother's illness yet and he knew that there was no way to predict if he would ever have it. Was is selfish to have a child and wonder if he was already ruining it's life? They also had Catherine's genetics to consider. Deafness was a trait the last three generations had passed down. Catherine just got the short straw, instead of losing her hearing gradually she simply never had it. Would there baby be Deaf? Would he be giving it a horrible mental illness? His own parents had played this game and at times he wondered if they were selfish too, having him and than letting him see how his life could turn out if her got this illness. Catherine rolled over in her sleep, she was dreaming and he saw her smile in her sleep. Spencer couldn't help but smile back. If they were going to pass anything on, he hoped one of the things would be that smile. It just had this way of making him happy. He reached over and placed a hand over her still flat stomach and thought about what this might mean for them. _JJ and Will are engaged and are expecting their first. Would she say yes? Is this even a reason to get married. If we're happy the way things are than why change it. I love her and I'll love this child, isn't that enough? _Spencer pulled her close to him and soon drifted off to sleep.

…...

The nurse drew some of Catherine's blood for testing and typing. The nurse left and Catherine applied some pressure to the stick area. Spencer sat there with his new textbook and realized that he had read the same page at least ten times and he sat it aside. Catherine looked at him and smiled.

"Why Dr. Reid did you just stop read a book? My world is askew now," teased Catherine. Spencer looked at her and smiled.

"I'm slightly distracted for some unknown reason. It's not everyday I'm sitting in OBGYN's office waiting to find out if I helped conceive a child." It felt like they were left waiting forever, Spencer started tapping his foot and he felt Catherine's hand in his.

"Are you going to be ok?"

"I'm scared. I would be lying if I said I wasn't. I just want you to know that I'm with you a hundred percent on this...ok." Catherine looked at him and smiled.

"I know you are." The doctor knocked before coming in.

"Dr. Reid...Ms. Dueringer," he shook both of their hands. "I'm Dr. Reckoo. I have your results...I'm sorry, but it appears that you had a false positive test." Spencer signed it to her and they were both confused.

"I'm sorry what?" asked Spencer.

"The home test gave you a positive result and our blood and urine test are a negative. You're not pregnant this time. I think the missed pills caused the false positive. I suggest starting a new package of pills and until you get back on your regular cycle I suggest using a barrier method. Unless you two are wanting to conceive?" asked Dr. Reckoo.

"Um...not at this time," signed Catherine and Spencer relayed the message to the doctor. They thanked the doctor for his time and he left the exam room. Catherine looked at Spencer and sighed.

"We're not ready for this," signed Catherine.

"No," agreed Spencer.

"Maybe someday, but not now." He bent down and hugged her.

"Someday." he agreed.

The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time. Abraham Lincoln

Notes-A little fluff before the Thanksgiving holiday. Love it, Hate it, Review it. Reviews are like pumpkin pie with extra whip cream.

Ep's referenced-Minimal Loss and Catching out

I'm also think of starting a CM podcast after the x-mas holiday. If anyone is interested drop me a PM. It's sad to think there are no CM podcast on I-tunes yet Chuck, Lost and Glee have so many. *sad face. 


	34. Chapter two part nine

Chapter two part nine

If you have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent. Bette Davis

_ He was walking down the stairs again, the smell of the damp basement was nothing compared to the smell of death...the man was placing the boy behind the washing machine. Spencer felt his hands shaking on his gun, he had gotten there too late to save the child. At least the killer wouldn't go free this time. _

_ "Show me your face!" he ordered trying to sound like he wasn't fearful. Why was he so terrified? The man stood slowly and he turned and faced him._

_ "Dad?" I couldn't be him, it was impossible. His father just looked at him and than back at the body behind the washer. _

_ "I'm sorry." _

Spencer sat up quickly and fought back the urge to scream, it would only wake his mother up and upset her. He ran a hand through his hair and than picked up the file that he dropped. The young boy stared back at him and Spencer closed the file and sat it on the table. _Riley Jenkins...I didn't make him up. I've been dreaming about him for years, but why though? _Spencer looked at his watch and saw that it was close to six am, the plane took off in an hour. He couldn't leave though, he needed to figure out why the dim memory of Riley Jenkins haunting at him. The dream had changed, he saw the face of the killer and it was his own father.

Spencer tried to not think of his father that much. It was a waste of time thinking about someone who walked out him without a second glance and without a real reason. Even Catherine had her reasons for walking away and she had come back to him while his father had never looked back. He understood that caring for his mother was an exhausting, time consuming, and at times a thankless task but when William Reid married his mother hadn't he made the promise to see her through sickness and health. _Not even married and Catherine was by me during my sickness. _Spencer had been tempted a few times during his youth to see where his father was and why he just walked away from him without much of a goodbye. _Did he get remarried, do they have children, do I have half siblings, or step siblings what has he been doing for the last seventeen years? _

Did his father have something to do with Riley? Why had he dreamed of his father when he hadn't seen him in years and really he couldn't remember much about his father other than his leaving. Spencer had vague memories of him being there; sitting with him when he played chess, reading to him and signing politely to Catherine. Other than that he really couldn't remember his father being affectionate with his mother or with him. He couldn't remember his father being overly supportive of his friendships with Ethan or Catherine either.

_"Diana he needs to spend some times with other children," said William. Diana rolled her eyes._

_ "So you want your son to spend time with children that can't keep up with him and will bore him. That sounds like a great idea," Spencer could hear the sarcasm in his mother's voice._

_ "Diana, he either spends all his time competing against that boy or here having signed conversations with Maggie's granddaughter. She's a sweet girl, but really he needs to socialize with other children and so does she."_

_ "Well considering the other children can't socialize with her and your son enjoys her company I'm not seeing an issue."_

_ "He needs to be with normal children."_

_ "Spencer is not normal, he's exceptional." _Spencer wondered what his father would think of the fact that he was still having signed conversations with her over twenty years later. That they had been together for three years and that she made him happy.

He got dressed and slipped out of his mother's room without making a sound. He sent Catherine a text telling her that he would be staying a bit longer to see his mother. It wasn't that much of a lie, he still felt bad for lying though. What_ am I going to tell her, I'm remembering the murder of a boy from the neighborhood and I think my dad might have had something to do with it._ He caught a cab back to the hotel and was greeted by the team, minus Hotch who had already left for the airport.

"How fast can you pack?" asked JJ. She was due to have her baby in three weeks and Spencer couldn't believe that she was still flying and working with them so close to her due date. He had seen a few women this close to term and they were constantly tired and just wanting it to be over. If she was tried or wanting it over with she hid it well and she still seem rather upbeat despite some horrible cases coming across her desk.

"Actually I'm going to stay for a couple of days. I haven't seen my mom in awhile so I'm going to stay and catch up with her," said Spencer.

"Sure?" asked Morgan. He had been the one to slip him the Riley Jenkins file and had been witness to the nightmare he had at the Bridge's house the night before.

"Yeah," said Spencer.

"Ok than. Have fun with you mom," said Rossi and he picked up his bags. Emily who was clearly hung over gave a nod his direction and went back to her coffee. Morgan followed behind her leaving him and JJ.

"Hey...take care of yourself," said JJ. She could tell something about the last case was still hanging over his head and she knew that in time he would share it with her when he was ready.

"You too...both of you," teased Spencer looking at her. She put a hand over her stomach and couldn't wait to get back home. She had been feeling this sort of nervousness energy the last couple of days and she had put it into the case. She knew what she wanted to put this energy into and that was finishing up the baby's room. JJ gave him a little hug and followed the others out to the car. She put her hands over her bump and rubbed it as it kicked her.

_Why does that freak you out?_

_ Very much so. Spencer took his hand back and JJ fought the urge to laugh at the slightly freaked out look on his face. God help him when it's Catherine's turn._

…...

Spencer asked for an extended stay for his room and was happy that for once the BAU got a two star hotel since he was going to have pay for this himself. He took a shower and changed when his phone started buzzing.

_If your in the mood to visit parents can you spare an hour for my dad? He read that you were in town for work and wasn't sure if it was ok to ask you out for lunch while you were working._ Catherine's father was still local and it dawned on Spencer that maybe he might remember something about the case. Riley would have either just been entering kindergarten or going into first grade at the time of his murder. He felt of tinge of guilt that he hadn't even considered visiting Andrew until just now after all the times he had been there for him. Spencer quickly returned her text.

_You'll owe me. _His phone chimed back in minute later and if he wasn't so frazzled he would have this funny.

_Well I did go to that shopping with Penny to the store of 'I'm only going to wear this for thirty seconds before it's tossed in a corner somewhere.' _

_ Funny. Very funny Catherine. I'll see you in a few days. _He hung up his phone and headed to the North Las Vegas Police Department's offices.

…_..._

"He knows that he's a terrible liar," said Rossi sitting down in a chair.

"He's good at when he wants to be and he clearly didn't want to be good at it," said Morgan opening the mini fridge and grabbing a can of peanuts. He handed Rossi a bottle of water and Morgan made a mental note to pay Reid back for the tab they were running up raiding the fridge. Rossi turned on the TV and started watching The Young and the Restless.

"So you think he's staying to look into this Jenkins case?" asked Rossi tossing some cashews back.

"I don't think I know it. He clearly checked into this room, when he could easily either stay with his mom or see if Catherine's dad would put up with him."

"As a rule you try to avoid all dealings with your future father in law until you have too. Trust me," said Rossi.

"He's just not himself and he won't admit he needs help until he's in too deep," said Morgan. Rossi nodded in agreement, he had seen Spencer Reid, the prodigy of Jason Gideon start turning into more than just the team's brain. He had the makings of a great agent and he wished that Gideon had stuck around to see that.

"So you break into hotel rooms all the time or just on special occasions?" asked Morgan.

"Define special," said Rossi eating some more cashews. It was an hour before Spencer came back and he looked at them puzzled.

"What are you doing here?" he asked holding an old police evidence box.

"What does it look like we're doing?" asked Morgan.

"Breaking into my room and watching Days of our Lives." He sat the box down and Rossi could understand why he had tried to do this alone. _You feel like no one else is going to understand your feelings about this case and if no one else is going to do it than you are._

"You're supposed to be hanging out with your mom," said Rossi when Reid asked why they weren't on a plane back to DC.

"Riley Jenkins?" asked Morgan. Rossi knew the boy had a great poker face, but right now he was just giving everything away.

"Let us help. Maybe together we can figure out who killed him," said Rossi.

"I think I know who did," said Reid.

"So tell us about the suspect," asked Morgan.

"The truth is I don't know anything about him...he's my father," said Reid.

"Your dad?" asked Morgan. Rossi watched Reid's face for any sign of emotion about his father and saw almost none at all.

…...

They called JJ and Hotch to let them know what was going on and than they went their separate ways. Reid went to go talk with his mother and than he suggested talking to Catherine's father Andrew Dueringer and other neighbors since they might have clearly memories of the murder and memories of his father. They were waiting for Reid outside of the school where Andrew was the Principal.

"So teaching runs in her family," said Rossi.

"I wonder what else runs in the family," said Morgan. Rossi watch the car pull up and watched Reid get out of the car. He looked nervous as he approached them.

"You know if your future father in law is that scary we can do this alone," said Rossi. Reid gave him a look and headed inside. Morgan and Rossi exchanged a look and than walked inside. It reminded Rossi of every Elementary school he had ever been in. Motivational posters and Book Fair notices on the wall along with children art projects. They walked down a hall and turned into a office area. An older woman with blond hair going gray was sitting at the front desk typing.

"Can I help you?" she asked. A name plate identified her as Erin Wilder.

"Hello we were hoping to speak to Andrew Dueringer," said Rossi.

"Is he expecting you?" she asked.

"Maybe...can you tell him Spencer Reid is here," said Reid. Erin smiled at him.

"Oh...you're Spencer. Andrew talks about you and Catherine all the time. He'll be happy to see you. It will give him an excuse to get out of talking with the school board. Give me a minute," said Erin.

She left her desk and headed into the back. Rossi looked at Reid and saw that the young man looked nervous. They watched a group of older men walked out and behind him was a man in khakis, a white button down shirt and a purple tie with green dots. His brown hair was in a buzz cut and he was about 5'7 and had the look of a man who was very annoyed and was hiding it. Rossi noticed the hearing aids in his ears and that he also tilted his head slightly to side to hear better.

"We hope you'll reconsider Andrew. It's a great opportunity," said one of the suits.

"Thank you, but I like it here," The suits left and Andrew gave Erin a look.

"Erin. Promise me that if I turn into those men you will shoot me in the face," said Andrew. Erin bit back a smile and than looked at Spencer.

"I don't think I should be making promises to kill you in current company sir." Andrew shook his head and looked at Spencer. He gave Spencer a smile.

"It's good to see you considering why you're in town. I heard last night they found the boy." Andrew looked at Rossi and Morgan and Spencer mental shook himself.

"Andrew, these are Agents Morgan and Rossi. Um...can we talk in your office?" Andrew raised an eyebrow.

"Erin, can you hold my calls for a bit?" She nodded and went back to her desk. Andrew motion for them to follow him towards the back.

"So what did the suits want?" asked Rossi making polite conversation.

"They want me to consider applying for the superintendent position and I would rather drink bleach than do that. All politics and pissed off parents, at least here I can still sort of teach," said Andrew. They sat down in his office and Rossi studied the office quickly. He was an accomplished teacher by the awards on his wall. The photos on his shelf showed him to be a devoted father, the photos ranged from his daughter's youth to now and it like some showed Reid in them.

"Is this you Reid?" asked Morgan picking up one of the pictures. It looked like it was from summer camping trip. The younger Reid was wearing a thick pair of glasses, shorts and a blue stripped tee shirt, he could have been about nine or ten. The younger version of Catherine had her hair in a ponytail, shorts and a green tee shirt.

"Yeah," he admitted sheepishly.

"I tried to take them camping...well just say it was memorable," said Andrew. Spencer recalled falling out of a canoe and Catherine getting a rash from poison ivy.

"I...um...I'm actually here for work really," said Spencer.

"It's not about the substitute teacher who was having an affair with a high school student is it? She was only here one time and she just teaching 1st grade," said Andrew looking worried.

"No. Do you remember a boy named Riley Jenkins?" asked Spencer. Andrew sat back and thought for a long while.

"Oh god yes. It happened right before I took the teaching job here. Riley didn't go to this school, but there was trickle down. If it happens at one school it soon affects us all. We had vigils in his name, raised money for the family, had the stranger danger talks with the kids and counseling for them and families. So I really don't know much other than what was in the papers?" Spencer thought about his next question.

"You just moved here?" asked Spencer and Andrew nodded. "When you met my dad, what was he like?" Andrew looked at him confused.

"He was pleasant, friendly...he was helpful. I had issues getting the 'Deaf Child Area' sign near the house and he was very helpful in putting me in touch with the people who could get me the sign. Um...he learned sign and tried to work with some of the other parents in the school so they would more accommodating and understanding of Catherine's needs. Why do you ask?"

"I think he might have had something to do with Riley's death." Andrew just stared at him even more confused.

"Why?"

"I've been having dreams about his death for a for long time and in this most recent dream I saw my father. I just have this feeling he's involved in this somehow." Andrew sighed and looked at Spencer.

"I know that you and your father have a lot of unresolved issue and that you have a lot of reasons to be angry with him. You've held those feelings in for over a decade and maybe this is their way of finally coming to the surface," he suggested. Spencer said nothing and Andrew rubbed his temple.

"If you're going to say something Spencer just say it."

"I'm fine." Rossi and Morgan just sat back and watched the two of them.

"I've known you since you were five and you're clearly not fine. You have every right to be upset with you father. I understand he was under a lot of pressure caring for your mother, but leaving you behind was cruel.." Spencer got up before Andrew could finish and walked out.

"Some habits never change." Andrew noticed the looks Rossi and Morgan were giving him and he shrugged. "I've known him since he was a child and trust me I've seen this happen more than once when he gets confronted about having feelings. He'll apologize when he's ready. I'm sorry I wasn't more help."

"It's alright Mr. Dueringer. Thank you for your time," said Morgan standing up and shaking his hand. Rossi did the same and both men left his office. Andrew sat back and looked at the ceiling for a few minutes before Erin came in.

"Your son in law has a temper."

"He's not my son in law yet, he's currently just dating my daughter. But yes he can be overbearing and temperamental at times."

"The rest of the time?" she asked. Andrew looked at her.

"He's a very caring person who just has a hard time admitting he has feelings. Are you free this evening?"

"I'll bring the wine," said Erin.

"I'll see you around six," he said. Erin smiled and left his office. Andrew shook his head, Spencer was a very caring person who had bottled up over a decade of hurt and sadness towards his father. He almost pitied William Reid if and what would happen if Spencer found him.

…...

Spencer was sitting outside trying to calm down. _He has no clue...no idea...what I feel towards my father. _Morgan and Rossi approached him. They looked disappointed in him, but they said nothing.

"So who do you want to speak to next?" asked Rossi.

"We should see about talking to Riley's father, Lou Jenkins he might know more," said Spencer. They left in the SUV, Spencer would have to come back for the rental car later. They drove to Lou's construction company and found that he was currently on a job. Spencer tried to remember Lou Jenkins and was drawing a blank. It was so damn frustrating to not remember large chunks of his childhood. _Why can't I remember...do I really want to remember this time in my life. I need to, but this is about Riley not me. _That was half the truth, it was about him. If his father molested and killed Riley than Rossi was right about his father. _This crime was need based and sexual in nature. The man we're looking for is a pedophile. What does that make me? Did my father molest me or did he turn to Riley has a surrogate ? _ It made him almost physically ill to think that a child had died so his father wouldn't hurt him. _Maybe that's why he left, the need became to strong and he couldn't fight it anymore._

"Reid...you ok back there?" asked Morgan

"I'm fine." Morgan and Rossi looked at each other but they said nothing else. They found Lou Jenkins and in Spencer's mind he wasn't much help at all until they were ready to leave.

"Where is he these days...my dad?" It hurt to call him that considering. Lou looked at him puzzled.

"It's been years, but he's probably still at that same firm in Summerlin." Spencer felt like he had been sucker punched and for a second he forgot to breathe.

"He's been in town this whole time?"

"As far as I know," admitted Lou. _Did Andrew know too? The whole time, nearly eight years of my life that I was here he could have seen me, seen mom...god I hate him. _Spencer jammed his hands into his pockets and explained to Morgan where Summerlin was, that it was only ten minutes from here. He was almost shaking when he got into the backseat of the SUV. They didn't ask him this time if he was fine.

…...

By the time they reached his father's office Spencer felt like he was about to have a panic attack. _Seventeen years, not a phone call, a letter, a birthday card, nothing to see if I was ok. _Seventeen years of emotion was threatening to come crashing down on him, it was a sudden oppressive weight in his chest and he wondered if this was what Andrew felt before he had his heart attack. He felt Rossi and Morgan eying him, but they said nothing.

When the woman at the front desk asked what they wanted Spencer found he couldn't breath, the act of getting air into his lungs was suddenly impossible. He was aware of Rossi showing the woman his badge and asking for William Reid. She explained that he was in a meeting and that she would get him. She left to get his father and Spencer suddenly felt ungodly hot in this office. He excused himself to use the bathroom. He quickly walked into the men's room, slammed himself into a stall and threw up his three cups of coffee. Spencer forced himself to take deep breaths and leaned against the stall door. _It's now or never. _Spencer washed his mouth off and he splashed some cold water on his face. Spencer stepped out of the bathroom and saw his father standing with Morgan and Rossi. He looked worried and his voice was shaking.

"My son...did something happen to Spencer?" _I could almost believe that you care about me...almost. _

"It's what we're trying to find out." William Reid looked at him stunned for several seconds. "Hello dad." The receptionist looked back and forth between the two men surprised and he watch Morgan and Rossi looking at them waiting for something.

"Let's go into my office," said William and they followed him to his office. Spencer had jammed his hands into his pockets and fought the urge to spill every hateful thought in his head out. William shut the door and took a seat, as did Morgan and Rossi. Spencer remained standing. He was unable to sit still.

"You don't look like me anymore," said Will and Spencer said nothing. "He used to when he was a child everyone said so."

"Some people say they look like their dogs," spat Spencer and for a split second when he saw how hurt his father was he felt that knot in his chest ease its grip on him.

…...

The interview with his father had been a waste of time and leaving it left Spencer even more bitter than before. _How dare he act like he's proud of me...he had no hand in helping me achieve anything I've done pass the age of ten. _They were driving back to pick up the car Spencer had rented and Morgan and Rossi were wise enough to not say anything about the meeting with William Reid. _You don't look like me anymore. _Spencer hated to admit that he did see some physically similarities between them. They had almost the same physical build, tall and lanky. They had the same eye color and Spencer noticed they gave each other almost similar looks of anger when he asked for cooperation in the case and William refused. School was done for the day and his car was the only car in the lot.

"We're going to get some dinner, you wanna come with us?" asked Rossi. Spencer looked at the building and felt suddenly guilty about how he acted with Andrew this morning.

"Actually, I need to talk to Andrew again so I'll meet up with you later and I'll call Garcia to see if she can get into my fathers work and home computers.

"Ok kid. We'll see you back at the hotel." He watched Rossi and Morgan drive away and Spencer got in his car and started driving to his old neighborhood. _I owe him an apology for how I acted. It was uncalled for...he didn't leave me and he was right. I'm still angry about how he just left. _The drive didn't take that long and Spencer pulled his car into the driveway and saw that Andrew had company. _Maybe this is a bad time. No I was rude to him and he didn't deserve that from me. _Spencer went up to the front door and rang the bell. He didn't hear it ring, he still must have the doorbell light hooked up. The door opened and instead of Andrew stood the receptionist from the school Erin. She was wearing an old tee shirt and blue jeans and her long blonde hair down. She looked surprised to see him again, but she smiled politely.

"Andrew thought you might come by. Come in."

"If this is a bad time I can come back later."She shook her head no and opened the door wider for him.

"Please, it's no trouble." Spencer came into the house and she shut the door behind him. "Drew is in the living room. He took his aids off when he came home. The battery was dying," she explained. Andrew still had some of his hearing, but it was getting to the point that if he didn't have his aids in you either signed or had to almost scream at him to have a conversation.

"I won't be long," he said.

"Take as much time as you want." Erin went back towards the kitchen and Spencer made his way to the living room. Andrew was sitting at a table working on a puzzle, he motioned to Spencer to come over. He looked at him and made a face of annoyance that was so similar to his daughter it was unreal.

"All the damn gray looks alike. Erin is a puzzle fanatic and if I didn't love her so much..." the older man caught himself when he saw Spencer looking at him with one eyebrow raised. "Yes we're dating and no no-one, not even Catherine knows yet. I'm planning on tell her when I come to see you two in a few weeks for Thanksgiving. Right now it's hush hush, because she's working for me. But she's leaving in a few weeks to go work for one of the casinos so we can see each other openly without all the lying. We could date openly now if we filled out a discloser form, but I hate to see how people would react. So if you came over to say your sorry, I'm not going to accept it because you have nothing to apologize for."

"I acted like a jerk and it was unfair to you." Andrew leaned back in his chair.

"Spencer, it doesn't matter how old you and Catherine get or how many dergees you manage to get it. I will always see you both as children and sometimes you get mad it happens. Hand me that blue piece with the pink dot on it," signed Andrew. Spencer handed him the piece and started sorting out the gray for him.

"You didn't leave me though," signed Spencer.

"No, no I didn't. However we're not related so even if I did leave I don't think you would be this bitter."

"But you didn't and you didn't have to look out for me all the years you did and you did anyway." Andrew nodded.

"I did."

"Why? My mother was friends with your mother, but you weren't close and everyone else just walked away after dad left so why didn't you?"

"Because I grew up without a father and I would never wish that on anyone. Because even at five years old you were able to reach out and show my daugher kindness. You didn't have to, you could have acted like the other children and treated her like freak, a reject, instead you became her friend. When your father left I couldn't understand why and really he's the one who should be bitter not you."

"Why?"

"He missed out on seeing what an amazing person you grew up to be. I don't know many people who could grow up the way you did and still come out the other side ok. Yes, you could be a little dense at times, but for the part most you are a brillant person who does a remarkable job saving people." Andrew noticed that Spencer had put a good chunk of the gray together and it was looking more like the mountain from the picture. He grinned and added his section while Spencer thought about what he said.

Even at five he knew his mother was different, but that didn't give people the right to be mean to her. It was the same thing with Catherine, just because she was different it didn't give people the right to be mean to her. Once they got past the language barrier she was fun to be around and even now almost twenty years later it still held true. _She understood me and still does._

"What do you mean dense?" asked Spencer and Andrew grinned.

"A sixteen year old girl asks you for a date and you forget about it since you were working on a thesis paper. No boy that a age skips a date to work on a paper...thank god you grew out of that." Spencer gave him a smile for a second before turning serious.

"I still think my dad has something to do with Riley Jenkins. Did you know he was in Summerlin this whole time?"

"I tried to call him a few times when you were younger. Don't give me that look," signed Andrew seeing Spencer's jaw get tight. "You were still a child who needed a full time father. He didn't return my calls so I assumed that after awhile he moved away. I realize now your at the point where it really doesn't matter what I say your going to do whatever you want, but please just listen. I understand that you're mad at and it's be expected, just don't let it drag you down to a point where you can't let it go. You've held on these feelings since you were ten...you're twenty seven now. Something has to give."

Spencer looked over the wall and saw that much like his office at school Andrew had pictures of Catherine's life here and that he also had pictures of Spencer' own life here. _High school graduation, leaving for California, getting my 1__st__ PhD...I didn't see a single picture in my father's office of my life._

"I don't know if I can."

…...

The next morning Spencer met with Rossi and Morgan in the lobby of the hotel to show them the police file that had been dropped off right to the door of his hotel room. _Gray Brenden Micheals...did I know him? I was at the park playing chess...he told me I was pretty good. _His lack of recall was starting to annoy him in ways he didn't understand. He was so used to being able to recall everything in his life with such perfect detail that not being able to so was frustrating.

"He exposed himself to a child. That a per-cuser to molestation," said Rossi.

"And murder. We should look into this guy," said Morgan. His phone rang and it was Garcia.

"Not interrupting boy's time at Crazy Horse II am I?" she asked teasing.

"You no that's not my thing...I like in room entertainment." _Do we have to do this now,_ thought Spencer. He asked her to hack his dad's computer to see what was there and he was about to get his answers.

"Reid, we've been all up in your father's business," said Garcia.

"What did you find?"

"Well let me tell you what I didn't find-No kiddie porn, no memberships to dirty websites, no scandalous e-mails, no chat history, nothing like that."

"What about his financial situation?" _Is he paying child support to some other family or his he still supporting this one. _Hotch started speaking.

"We went back ten years and no questionable transactions that we could find."

"Well he did buy a ticket to see Celine Dion," said Emily.

"He doesn't seem to fit the profile," said Hotch.

"But we can tell you other things about him if you want to know," said Emily. Spencer surpised himself that he wanted to know. He wasn't surprised that his dad was workaholic, he had been when he was kid. He wasn't surprised that he stayed away from the casinos, all the real natives knew that you would never hit it big. He was a little surprised about the cat, his dad had hated pets when he was kid.

"He does have one other major interest. On his home computer he's archieved like a gillion things on one common subject," said Garcia.

"What?" asked Spencer.

"You kiddo. He has like everything that has ever been published about you, articles you've been quoted in, papers that you've written for journals. He even has you dissertation here...he even has a few things about Catherine here."

"What?" asked Spencer.

"There was a picture of you two together taken at some party," said Emily. "Catherine's wearing a kimono.

"It was the dinner for the Deaf Cultural Studies program, Catherine had to give a talk about her time in Japan," said Spencer. Catherine had been one of the main speakers and the picture was taken so fast they didn't even realize it until it came out later. He was standing next to her and he looked like a giant compared to her and Norie who was visiting. Catherine had told him should they ever go to Japan together she would never have to worry about losing him in crowd, that she would just follow the top of his head.

"After that he started keeping tabs on her. He has her blog about her Japan trip here, the You-tube recording of said talk, just the things she's done the past few years," said Garcia. Spencer felt something just want to snap. If he wanted to know about his life why didn't he stick around?

"He's keeping tabs on you. That's saying something," said Rossi.

"Yeah that he Googled me. That makes up for everything." _He had years to reach out and instead he looks up my life...Catherine's too...if he wanted to know...he knew we were in DC...he knows that and yet he never told me where he was._

"I need some air," Spencer pushed passed Morgan and Rossi and headed outside. _Unbelievable, unbelievable...saving my life on his home computer. He left me and he has no right to look into my life. God he was looking into Catherine's life too and for what? To make sure that she was ok for me to be with. If he wanted to see the relationship he could have stayed. God only knows what he would think of it. I needed to social with other children...kind of hard to do when your stuck taking care of a thirty year old women with a mental illness. The other kids really don't wanna play with you when you can quote War and Peace from memory. She did though and really who the hell is he to pry into my life this way. He knew that I've been in DC for five years now...a few phone calls was all it would have taken for him to find me. Catherine found me and when she did she went out of her way to talk to me even though she knew I would be mad at her. Why couldn't you...why?_

Your children need your presence more than your presents. Jesse Jackson

Eps used-The Instincts and Memoriam.

Love it, hate it, review it...and everyone have an awesome Thanksgiving and for those insane enough to go out tomorrow stay safe. Remember that it is not worth getting beat up over...unless it's the last Box Set of Criminal Minds and than you should start kicking ass Morgan style.


	35. Chapter two part ten

Chapter two part ten

Your children vividly remember every unkind thing you ever did to them, plus a few you really didn't. Mignon McLaughlin

1985

_"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!" Spencer buried his head under the pillow and found it did very little to block out any sound._

_ "I didn't know what to do," pleaded his mother near tears. Spencer hated it when she was sad like this. He was torn a part of him wanted to go to her and make her stop crying, but he was scared. _

_ "Do you realize what you've done?" snapped his father._

_ "I didn't know...please...we have to talk about this," cried his mother._

_ "I don't want to have this conversation with you now!" Spencer heard footsteps coming down the hall and Spencer laid his head back on the pillow and closed his eyes. He heard his bedroom door open and than felt someone sitting on his bed._

_ "I know you're not asleep Spencer," Spencer felt his father's hand on his shoulder and it was shaking. He was holding on to his shoulder so tight it almost hurt._

_ "Daddy loves you...you know that," his father broke off and Spencer could hear him crying. "I just...I'm so sorry Spencer." Spencer had never seen him cry, not even when uncle Daniel was burried. Spencer sat up in bed and hugged him, his father hugged him back so hard it hurts._

_ "No matter what...I'll always be here."_

…...

Present day

Spencer was looking through the glass at his father and was still recalling that night that the hyponsis had brought back. _He lied...he was never there. _Spencer walked into the interrogation room and his father stopped his pacing and looked at him.

"I have nothing to hide, but I'm not going to say anything without counsel." William sat down and Spencer sat down across from him.

"We can keep you here for twenty four hours. I sure we can find something to talk about," said Spencer. His tone was so cold and detached it shocked even him.

"What do you want to talk about?" asked William taking a sip of water.

"Riley Jenkins and the bloody clothes I saw you burning." The memory that had been recovered under hyponsis was real and Spencer had something. It might not hold up in a court of law but he was determined to go forward with this. _I'll find something...I don't care how long it takes._ To the untrained eye his father seemed unfazed by this, but to the eye of the FBI profiler he saw the tell. The slight trumble of the hand, the way his eyes looked at him and the way he took that drink of water like he was buying time.

"Are you sure this wasn't another dream?"

"No." _Am I losing objective on this case? Is this about justice for Riley or is this about seventeen years of repressed hostility and hurt coming to the surface? Do I even care at this point in time. I need the truth, did he leave because he killed Riley?_

"I'm not stupid and I'm not talking without counsel."

"I thought you had nothing to hide. If you have nothing to hide than tell me why you were burning those clothes." William leaned back in his chair and looked at Spencer. A faint smile touched William's lips.

"You know I'm proud of you."

"I'm not stupid either," said Spencer in that cold detached tone. _You think that makes up for you not being here for my whole life?_

"That's not what I meant. A lot of people with your talent would have sought different opportunities, the private sector. My god you could have made a fortune, but you chose to help people. I'm proud of that."

"I chose to study murderers. Why do you think that is dad?" he spat the last word out. William sighed and looked at Spencer again.

"You're not married."

"What does that have to do with this?" asked Spencer.

"It has nothing to do with this. I'm just making an observation...you're almost thirty and it just seems like you should have someone in your life...children even" Spencer dug his fingers into his hands and barely kept his temper in check.

"Well after seeing what a happy marriage you and mom had I just can't wait to see how great marriage really is." _Get back on topic._ Spencer found he didn't know how to get the conversation back in his control.

"I cared a great deal about your mother. It just didn't work between us and I didn't know how to fix it."

"I'm sorry it didn't work between us either."

"I know you're angry with me Spencer and you have ever right to be. I wish there was a way to make it up to you."

"Than tell me what happened to Riley." His father sighed and he had the look of a man defeated.

"I didn't kill that boy, but I know who did," admitted William. Spencer went for the kill, someone had slipped him the file of Gary Micheals and it was either his father, Lou Jenkins or Detective Hyde who had worked the case years ago.

"Was it Gary Micheals?"

"How did you..." Spencer cut him off.

"That's what you wanted me to think isn't it. Slip me the name of a man who would fit the profile and can't be found. I'm not buying it." His father's jaw tightened and through the window Rossi and Morgan were almost taken aback by how much the two men looked alike.

"Spencer...please just let this go. Nothing good can come from this."

"Can it?" he asked. Spencer stood up and turned to leave.

"I'm sorry," muttered William and Spencer stopped in his tracks for a moment and than quickly steeled himself and walked out of the room.

…...

1986

_"She can't hear anything?" asked Spencer looking up at his mother confused._

_ "Yes Spencer, she's Deaf. But, that doesn't mean you can't play with her. She's very nice, her grandmother is a very good friend of mine," said Diana. _

_ They were walking the four blocks over to the home Maggie was sharing with her son and his young daughter. Diana had seen Maggie's granddaughter; Catherine when she had been born, but until recently she and her father had been living in Reno. The schools here though seem better at handling special needs and since her son had gotten a job here it made since for them to move here and Maggie could look after her. Maggie had insisted that Diana bring Spencer over so the children could play together. Maggie told her that it was diffcult at times to get children to play with Catherine due to her hearing loss. The child was complete Deaf, yet Maggie and her father had her reading at a sixth grade level and were working on getting her to a high school level by first grade. Diana was impressed, she wasn't as smart as her Spencer, but she might be able to keep up with him _

_ "Can she read?" asked Spencer._

_ "Yes she can." _

_ "Ok." They walked up to the front door and she rang the bell. "Press it again it didn't ring."_

_ "They have a light that goes off since she can't hear the bell." Spencer nodded and his grip got a little tighter on her hand. The door opened and there stood Maggie, she bent down and looked at Spencer. _

_ "Hi Spencer. I'm Maggie, your mom talks about you all the time. It's nice to meet you finally."_

_ "It's nice to meet you too," said Spencer politely. Maggie stood up and smiled warmly at Diana. _

_ "Thank you very much for bring him over." She looked back to Spencer. "Catherine is in her bedroom. Come on in." They walked into the house and headed upstairs. She took them to a room where a young girl was sitting. Her long brown hair was braided back and wearing shorts and a purple shirt, she was reading To Kill a Mocking Bird. _

_ "I've read that already," said Spencer._

_ "Oh it's her favorite right now. I think she's read it six times already." Catherine looked up and signed something to Maggie. Diana's signing was poor but she could make out that the young girl really didn't want to play, she wanted to finish the book._

_ "Catherine, this is Spencer and his mother Diana. Spencer came over to play with you." She signed it and spoke it to her. Catherine looked over at Spencer and signed quickly._

_ "If he's going to be mean like the other kids I don't want play with him." Maggie sighed and started signing without speaking. Diana couldn't figure it out, but it was clear that she was telling the young girl that she was going to play with Spencer. Catherine sat the book down and looked at Spencer. She took a deep breath before speaking slowly._

_ "You...wanna go outside?" _

_ "Ok," he said and both children went outside. Maggie rolled her eyes._

_ "I'm sorry...we haven't had the best luck with play dates recently." _

_ "Children can be horribly cruel at times. She seems like a sweet girl." Maggie looked at her puzzled and Diana spoke louder. Maggie sighed._

_ "I need to put my aids in, damn things weigh a ton. Give me a minute." Maggie left the room and Diana went downstairs and looked out the window at her son and Catherine playing. Spencer had taken a piece of paper from somewhere and was writing something down before handing it to Catherine. The look on the young girl's face was one of confusion, but she smiled at him and the two started playing some sort of game. They played together the rest of the afternoon, Spencer passing notes to Catherine so they could communicate. When it was time to go he seemed disappointed._

_ "Can we come back?" asked Spencer. They left and Spencer looked up at his mother. _

_ "She was nice...why were the other kids mean to her?"_

_ "Because like you she's different." Spencer looked thoughtful. _

_ "When Maggie talks to Catherine she does it with her hands. What it is that?" _

_ "It's Sign Language. Catherine can't hear so that's how they talk to her." _

_ "Can I learn it? That way we can talk." _

_ "Of course sweetie." They got a few books on Sign Language and he taught himself in two days. The next time they came over, Spencer signed his greeting to Catherine and she looked at her grandmother stunned._

_ "He couldn't do that before. When did he learn it?" she asked._

_ "I learned it so we could talk," he said and signed it. She looked at him surprised and she smiled at him. It wasn't long before the two were the best of friends. Maggie joked that they should just arrange a marriage between the two of them. Diana looked outside at the children and smiled. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea._

…_..._

Present day

Diana sat there looking through the photo albums from when Spencer was younger and frowned. He was always the sweetest child and brilliant...god he was brilliant. She couldn't have asked for a better child. She flipped the page and saw a picture of him and Catherine from when they were seven. They were always together and it was impossible to separate them. Maggie had joked that they should just arrange a marriage between the two children since they were so much alike. Now, almost twenty years later they still together. Unmarried, but she could tell from his letters that he was very invested in the relationship they were in. She wondered if the example she and William had set for Spencer with their marriage affected his ideals of marriage. _They're not like how William and I were...they understand each other. They care about each. We used too...before...before...why. What happened...Riley. Poor Riley...his mother cried for days after they buried him. Yet I couldn't help but think when they lowered his body into the ground, Thank God it's not my baby. If I lost Spencer...I wouldn't need to live anymore._

"I hear that your refusing medication," said Dr. Norman sitting down across from him.

"I'm just holding off for right now."

"You know what happens when you don't take your medication?" he asked.

"The panic, the shakes and than the voices. But, right before that all sets in there is a window of clarity where I remember everything. And I really need to remember right now."

"I can give you some latitude right now...but if it gets bad we have to give you your meds."

"Thank you." She looked back at the pictures and frowned. "Do you ever feel that despite trying to do everything right for your child you have hurt them in some way that you can never take back?" asked Diana.

"You did the best you could for Spencer. He's a very good person and I know that he loves you very much." Diana gave him a tired smile.

"I know that he's a remarkable person." Norman patted her hand and left her with her thoughts. He was remarkable and he was her reason for living. She knew that he felt guilty for putting her here, but he was right. She couldn't take care of herself and it had been unfair to ask him to do so for so long. She turned another page and looked at her son. _I couldn't let him hurt you...oh god...oh god...at the park...that man..._

…...

Spencer couldn't believe that Michaels was dead and had been dead for twenty two years. _Maybe that wasn't Riley's blood on your dad's clothes _was what Morgan had suggested and yet he couldn't let it go. He had to know the truth, no matter how painful and who it hurt. _You're just determined to get him for something _and Morgan was right he didn't care anymore. _If he killed Michaels to protect me than why did he leave us? He didn't look back once, he decided that it was easier to look up my life instead of being apart of it. _They were running the print they had found on Michaels glasses and were waiting for the results. Spencer sat away from Morgan and Rossi, trying to organize his thoughts.

_I'm upset and angry with my father and I have been for years. He left and I had to take care of a mentally ill thirty year old woman. I had some help, but I did a lot of the work myself. I couldn't understand why he stopped loving her and me. Because he left...I have trouble letting people get close, I have trouble trusting and I don't know how to deal with losing people because of how he left. If he loved me, couldn't he have managed something more than a letter, he could have seen me __anytime he wanted and he choose not to. _Spencer felt his phone buzz in his pocket and hoped it was the results from the fingerprint.

_Hey...I got a really weird e-mail from my dad that you're looking into some murder that happened when you were little and that you found your dad. What is going on? _Spencer stared at the phone and wondered how he thought he could keep this from her when he went to her father and what to tell her.

_It's a really long and confusing story that I can't even make sense of at this point. I'll fill you in on everything when I get home ok. _He sent the text and his phone was buzzing seconds later.

_I just want you to be ok. I'll see you when you get home. _Spencer hung up the phone and went back to tapping his foot nervously against the floor.

…...

Diana was waiting in her room when there was a knock at her door.

"Come in," Dr. Norman opened the door.

"You have a vistor," he opened the door a little wider and in the door way stood her ex-husband, the man who gave her the greatest person in her life and had broken her heart. "I'll leave you two for a moment." He shut the door and William looked around nervously. They hadn't been alone in a room together since they day their divorce was final.

"Don't worry they took away all the sharp things." William gave her a dry smile and sat down.

"Hello Diana."

"Hello William. We need to talk, it's been long overdue."

"Yes we do." William ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "I knew that he would be mad at me and that he might even hate me...what he really feels about me...I never imagined he would be this vindictive towards me."

"You left him and he was a child. What did you really expect?"

"Not this...is he always like this. Is he always this hateful?"

"No, oh god no Will. He...underneath all the bad feelings he is still the sweet, loving, amazing child we had. He just...like you he's not good with his feelings." William bowed his head and looked at the floor.

"I never meant for this to happened. I just..it was too hard Diana. Knowing that I could have failed and what could have happened if I failed." He couldn't look at her, but she could tell he was near tears. "I failed him anyway."

"No you didn't."

"He just seems so unhappy and hateful." Diana reached over and took one of Spencer's last letters off the dresser.

"This is your son." William took the letter out of her hands and started reading. It was a detailed account about a case they worked in Ohio dealing with a copy cat killer known as the Angel Maker. He skimmed down to the last page and started reading.

_Catherine went with me today so I could enroll at Georgetown for a B.A in Philosophy. I had hinted that I wanted to go back to school for another degree, but I was worried that working away from home so often would hinder me taking traditional classes. She took the time to look into the program while I was away and e-mailed the department head and explained my situation. For some unknown reason they were willing to make an expection for me. _William read this letter and smiled.

"I take it that their relationship is more than just friends at this point."

"It's serious for both of them, they care about each other a great deal and he's happy with her."

"That's all I wanted for him was to be happy." Diana nodded.

"He's not going to be happy until he has the truth," said Diana. William stood up and looked at his ex-wife.

"I want you to know that I didn't stop carring about you or Spencer...it was just...I couldn't..." William couldn't find words and Diana took his hand.

"Let's do this together...we both made mistakes with Spencer and it's time we corrected them."

…...

"That _animal_ stabbed my boy nine times and that was after he...he was _inside _my son. My baby...I watched him come into this world and he left this world in so much pain. You really think I give a fuck what he felt when I killed him," snapped Lou Jenkins. Lou looked Spencer in the eyes when he said this and Spencer tried to keep his poker face. They had a match to the print and it belonged to Lou Jenkins. It was all coming together, Lou had killed Michaels, his father burned the clothes and Hyde had known who killed Michaels. He had slipped the file to him and was mostly likely the one who had suggested burying him across state lines.

"A man will confess to a lot of stuff if you beat it out of him," snapped Morgan. Jenkins leaned back in his chair and kept looking at him and Spencer got up to leave the room when Jenkins called out to him.

"I was told by a concerned party that he approached another kid at the park." Spencer froze in his tracks and the last pieces of the puzzle finally fell into place.

"_Hey your pretty good." He sat down across from him. "Do you mind if I play?" Spencer shrugged and the man started putting the chess pieces back to their start positions. He was easy to beat and he smiled at him. _

_ "Maybe we can do this again..." before he could finish he got up and left. Spencer felt his mother's hand on his shoulder._

_ "Come on honey, let's go home." She picked him up and carried him home._

"Who was it?" asked Spencer.

"No one." Spencer finally snapped and he slammed both hands down on the table and leaned into Lou Jenkins's face.

"Who was it!" The door opened and there stood Detective Hyde.

"Agent Reid," he started and Spencer turned on him.

"Do not interfere with this interrogation Detective..." Before Spencer could get another word out his mother came into the room and it stunned him into silence.

"Spencer, it was me." Spencer saw his father standing next to his mother and it threw him into a state of shock.

"Can we use your office to talk please?" asked William.

"Of course," said Hyde and he stepped out of the way. Spencer had to mentally shake himself and he followed his parents into Hyde's office. _What is she doing out?_

"Your father signed me out and he promised to have me back before dinner." Diana sat down in a chair, Spencer sat across from her and his father took a seat on Hyde's desk.

"I had seen him before...at your ball games and at the park. You played chess with him and you beat him. You used to play with adults all the time and win. I never thought anything about it...but the way he looked at you. I just knew what he was," said his mother barely hiding her disgust.

"A mother knows," said Spencer and she nodded. "Did he...did he do something to me?" _He was inside me son...was I lucky enough to get away._

"Oh god no!" cried his mother taking his hand. "It never got that far. After Riley was killed we were all on edge and I saw him looking at you and I told Lou. He called a few nights later and he was clearly agitated and he asked me to meet him. I left you with your father and went with Lou. We drove a few blocks over and waited until he came out with his trash."

_"Is that him?" asked Lou. Diana looked and it was the man who had given her child a look no mother wants to see an adult give their child._

_ "Yes that's him." Lou's hands tighten on the steering wheel of his truck._

_ "His name is Gray Michaels and he has a history."_

_ "A history of what?" she asked fearful._

_ "Of messing around with kids." His voice was so even they could have been talking about what they were going to do this weekend. "You should go home Diana." _

_ "What are you going to do?" He didn't look at her. _

_ "Go home," he ordered and he got out of truck and she watched him go to the back and than she saw him walking towards the house carrying a bat that she had seen Riley use at games. _

"The rest..." his mother shook her head and was clearly fearful. His father reached over and patted his mother's hand and Spencer was taken aback by this gesture. During the last year of their marriage Spencer couldn't remember his father ever hugging or touching his mother at all.

"You came home after I put Spencer to bed. I couldn't make sense of it at first, but it came out and I knew that I had to protect her."

"It was her bloody clothes you were burning," said Spencer softly. _He really did love her, he couldn't let her go to jail for just being there. If it was Catherine...I would do the same thing. I would protect her no matter what._

"But the knowing...you can't burn that way. It just changed everything between us and I couldn't be there anymore."

"You could have come back...we could have started over." He hated how sad he sounded, his father had protected his mother and because of that it ruined their relationship and Spencer had spent years thinking his father didn't love her. His final act of love allowed her to be his mother and him to lose his wife.

"I lost my confidence and I didn't know how to take care of you anymore and once I lost that there was no going back. I couldn't protect you." His final act also cost him his ability to be a father.

"What's done is done," said Diana looking at her son. _Please Spencer...let this go..._

"I was wrong about everything and I'm sorry," said Spencer. Spencer couldn't look at either one of his parents, he couldn't seem to find words to describe how sorry he was._ They did everything to protect me and for years I was so mad about how things turned out and everything they did...it was for me. _Spencer felt the weight of the sofa he was sitting on change and it was his father.

"I am too, Spencer."

…...

They were sitting at the airport waiting for the next commerical flight back to DC. Rossi and Morgan were waiting off to one side and Spencer was sitting with his father. They had taken Diana back to the hospital, her lack of medication was starting to get to her and she needed to go back. Before she went back inside she reached over and hugged her son.

"You're a good boy and if I had it to do over again...I would do it the same." Before he could response she was inside the building. They drove in silence towards the airport where Morgan and Rossi were waiting. Rossi handed him his ticket and said they left in an hour, leaving him with his father. Spencer excused himself for a quick minute so that he could call and leave a message for Andrew that he was leaving, he thanked the older man for being helpful and that he would see him when he came to visit Catherine in a few weeks for Thanksgiving. Spencer hung up the phone and sat back down next to his father.

"So...your mother told me that you and Catherine are rather serious." Spencer nodded.

"Three years." They lasped into another silence before his father spoke up again.

"I know your mother and I didn't set the best example on what a relationship should be, but I'm happy that you found someone who makes you happy. She makes you happy." Spencer gave him a small smile.

"She makes me very happy." Spencer looked at a spot on the floor before speaking again. "I would have done the same thing...if it had been Catherine and our child I would have done anything to protect them."

"You wouldn't leave them though." Spencer looked up at his father. "Your mother was right about me being weak. I couldn't have done what Lou had done and I didn't see the danger the way your mother did. I did protect your mother, but the cost of it Spencer. I couldn't forget all the ways I could have failed you. I couldn't forget so I ran away. You would take that knowledge and use it for the better, to try and protect what it is yours from harm."

Spencer nodded, he couldn't imagine having a piece of himself in the world and not being in it's life. He wasn't ready for that piece yet, but he knew that when it happened he wanted to be there. They called his flight for boarding and Spencer stood up.

"We're living in DC...I...I'm still not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this. But someday when we both know how were supposed to feel, can I call you...or you come to DC and see us?" asked Spencer. William stood up and looked him in the eyes.

"Whenever your ready Spencer." And for the first time in seventeen years, William Reid hugged his only child. "Take care of yourself."

…...

Henry William LaMontage was in JJ's opinion the most beautiful child she had ever laid her eyes on. _It only took fifteen hours, an epidural and me threatening to remove Will's testicles with my bare hands to bring him into this world._

"He looks just like you Will," said Garcia.

"Well let's hope he grows out of that," teased Will.

"Has long as he doesn't get the accent," teased Emily.

"Is there room for one more?" JJ looked up and in the door stood Spencer. He looked exhausted. She heard the details of the now closed case from Garcia when Will went to call his mother. She couldn't imagine the toll it took on him to find his father after seventeen years. She couldn't imagine being away from Henry for more than five minutes. She knew that she would have to tear herself away from him when she had to go back to work, but other than that she was going to be glued to him.

"Why is it that I went through fifteen hours of labor and you look worse than I do?" asked JJ.

"Nonsense, you look beautiful. Congratulations," said Spencer shaking Will's hand. Will looked at JJ and she nodded. She knew that she would need a moment alone with Spencer to make her request.

"Why don't we all get some coffee. My treat," said Will and Spencer knew that meant everyone but him for some reason. Hotch, Emily and Garcia left the room leaving him alone with JJ.

"You ok?" asked JJ.

"Yeah...yeah I'm fine...are you ok?" asked Spencer and JJ knew she was making the right decision. After everything he had gone through he still worried more about others than himself.

"Yeah. Will and I were talking and we would really like it if you would be Henry's godfather."

"Um...me...I really don't know..."

"You wanna hold him." Spencer looked at her like she asked him to defuse a bomb while running a marathon."

"I...um.." JJ held the baby out to him.

"It's ok." Spencer realized that he was fighting a losing battle and took the baby from her. He felt so weird holding the baby, it dawned on him that he had never held a baby before. _It's not so bad._

"Hi...hello Henry."

"And if anything happens to us, it's up to you, Garcia, and Catherine to make sure this boy gets into Yale." Spencer smiled at the baby who was trying to open his eyes.

"Oh Yale...Yale...you want to go to Yale Henry? That was your Godfather's safety school. Don't worry I can get you into Cal-Tech with one phone call." The baby yawned and Spencer handed him back to his mother.

"I would be honored to be his Godfather."

"Well you have to share with Kevin Lynch...unofficially. Garcia said that if she had to share the Godmother title unofficially with Catherine than you were sharing with Kevin."

"Huh?" asked Spencer confused.

"I figure that since you and Catherine are in it for the long haul she also be apart of Henry's life. Besides...she seems to helping you with the Reid effect." Spencer grinned at the term Hotch had coined for how animals and children acted around him.

"I found a straggler in the hallway," said Will. They came back in with Catherine behind them. Spencer noticed a blooming bruise on her knee.

"What happened to you?" asked Spencer. Catherine shrugged.

"Dodgeball...teacher vs teacher," signed Catherine and JJ looked at her confused.

"It was to raise money for some field trips for the freshmen class. It's amazing that students will pay money to see teachers throw things at each other."

"Did you win?" asked Emily.

"Mr. Saloo will never again accuse me of throwing like a girl or mock my shortness," signed Catherine.

"You didn't," signed Spencer thinking about where she could have aimed. Catherine just smirked and gave JJ her gift.

"JJ, I formally withdrawal my complaint about sharing my Godmother title with Catherine. Anyone who kicks that much butt at dodgeball deserves it," said Garcia.

…...

"So how was home?" asked Catherine when they left the hospital and were trying to catch a train home.

"I really haven't been home yet, I just dropped off my stuff," signed Spencer. Catherine looked up at him.

"Vegas...home...how was that?"

"I don't consider that home. This is home with you." Catherine just took his hand, but Spencer could tell how much his comment meant to her. He hadn't considered Vegas home for a long time. He really hadn't even considered DC home when he moved here, it was just a place to stay between cases. When they started dating he just considered wherever he was staying that night home. She was home to him. She waited until he had taken a shower and had a meal before asking him anything else about Riley and his father. He left nothing out and had to stop several times to compose himself before going on. When he was finished, Catherine hugged him tightly and they just sat there for several minutes.

"So do you mind me asking what you think about your dad now?" she asked when he let her go.

"I don't know, I really don't. There is still apart of me that's mad at him for not coming back and trying again, but I know what's it like to feel like your not good enough to have something."

"Does this change what you think about yourself?"

"I don't understand." Catherine got up and pulled the journal he had written with his Amends and thoughts during recovery out of a drawer. She sat back down next to him.

"This was so hard to read, Spencer. I know you were having a hard time with your addiction and this is coming from a really dark place, but some of the pages...you write like you shouldn't be happy or loved and you don't understand why anyone would love you. I really thought a lot of this came from you not having your dad love you, but now you know better. You know that he loved you so much he was willing to look away from a murder. It was the murder of a child rapist, but it was a murder. Does this change what you feel about yourself?"

He sat there for what felt like forever trying to figure out his answer. A lot of things over the past few years had changed his opinion about himself. He had once told Nathan Harris that he was constantly changing and that was true. Spencer thought about how the past forty eight hours had changed what he had thought about his father.

"You're right about what I wrote coming from a dark place. I was scared and confused about a lot things going on. But...you...you've always been the one constant person in my life and I guess even now I can't understand why...but I know what my father did for me and for my mother and I know that I would do the same for you and any children we would have. If anyone has ever changed what I think about myself, it's you." Catherine turned a faint shade of red. Spencer was tried and went to lay down and Catherine started working on her lesson plans and finals for the end of term and thought about what he had said. _I would do the same for you and any children we would have. _She hadn't given anymore thought to their baby scare a few months ago other than making sure she took her pill every morning, even before her shower she did that first thing. They had agreed to wait on children, but they really hadn't talked about anything long term and even than she wasn't she what long term would mean to him. _Marriage...did he want that with her? _She considered herself almost married to him anyway. _We live together, we've discussed the possibility of children, we treat each other like were married, isn't all just a piece of paper. It was all it was between me and Paul at the end. _She finished her lesson plans and went into the bedroom where Spencer was sound asleep and she smiled. _And it won't be that for us._

The art of love... is largely the art of persistence. Albert Ellis


	36. Chapter two part eleven

Chapter two part eleven 

Like all valuable commodities, truth is often counterfeited. James Cardinal Gibbons

Emily let herself into Spencer and Catherine's apartment quickly with the spare key from his desk. _Morgan said his go bag was in their bedroom. By the dresser. _She walked down the hall quickly and went into their bedroom and tried to ignore the feeling that she was breaking into someone's home. _Don't look at the photos on the shelves, don't look at the books on the tables, just pretend you don't know these people._ She had been to their apartment before, but this was different. She found the bag and picked it up. Emily turned and started back down the hallway. She was halfway across the living room when the door open and Catherine was letting herself in. She looked at Emily confused.

"What are you doing?" asked Catherine. Emily wanted to kick herself, Spencer had told them that Catherine was most likely not going to be home until later in the evening since she was supposed to have Junior Counsel tonight.

"Oh we caught an away case and Spencer wanted to start working on a Geographical Profile before we got on the plane and I offered to swing by and get his go bag when I got mine."

"Really he could have sent me a text and I would have brought it to him."

"He said that your had a meeting tonight?" Catherine let out a laugh.

"Yeah we did until some kid set off a bunch of smoke bombs. We had to evacuate everyone, talk to the fire department, fill out forms. God it was a nightmare." Emily had to smile and it was the first one she had all day.

"Well I should get going. This case shouldn't take to long...it's more of consultation really." Catherine nodded.

"Tell Spencer I'll text him later." Emily nodded and walked out of the apartment. She waited until she was out of the building before taking a breath. She felt horrible lying to Catherine, but it had to be done. _Really what do I tell her...that Spencer could have died from Anthrax today and that he's in the hospital and she can't be with him. _Lying was part of the job, it didn't mean she had to like it.

…...

_ It was rare for her to come visit him at work. She had come in that afternoon and he almost fell out of his chair. She was wearing a short black skirt, the stockings that came up to her thighs and a pale pink button up shirt. Her long brown hair was loose and curly. She sat down on his desk cross legged and was just wearing that smirk. The smirk that was just between them, when they were alone._

_ "Hi." She signed._

_ "Um...hi...what brings you here."_

_ "Oh nothing. Just wanted to see you. Make sure you're staying out of trouble."_

_ "What trouble would I get into here?"_

_ "Oh...it's when your away that you get in trouble." It was the way that she was signing that gave it away. She was mad at him about something and he couldn't figure it out._

_ "Did I do something that I'm not aware of right now?" That smirk just got bigger and she shrugged._

_ "Nothing. I just wanted to see you. Tell you that I love you." she leaned over close to him. "And that you are treading on very thin ice sir." Spencer was just frozen in his seat and she kissed him lightly on the lips. She got off his desk and left the office. Morgan had been watching the whole thing from his desk cringed. _

_ "Oh what did you do Pretty boy?" _

_ "I don't know what I did...she's...she's scary Morgan. There is a disturbance in the Force." Spencer went home later on that night and went into the apartment careful. Catherine was sitting on the sofa reading and she had changed into her pajama pants and one of his MIT sweaters. He sat down next to her and she looked up him wearily. _

_ "Hey. Can we talk?" Catherine shrugged._

_ "I might have an IQ of 187 but right now I feel like a clueless idiot who has no clue what I did to upset you."_

_ "I'm not upset."_

_ "You came into my office, dressed like...that and let me know I was on thin ice. So I must have done something to cause that." Catherine reached over to the table and handed him one of his business cards. It was one he given to a girl in Georgia, she had sent it back to him with a lipstick kiss on it._

_ "So you get those often?" Spencer mentally kicked himself. He had forgotten about it, he just stuffed the card in his pocket and went home. She must have found it when she took his pants to the cleaners._

_ "Catherine. It was nothing." He told her what had happened and she sighed._

_ "So Morgan taught you how to hit on girls and now they're following you home." _

_ "Notice that I'm home with you and not her." Catherine bit her lip and realized that she had acted like an idiot. She just been so pissed to find that card in his pocket._

_ "I just..." she shook her head and Spencer understood. It was how he felt when he saw her last year with Paul or when he would see other guys looking at her._

_ "You know a little jealous never hurt anyone," he teased recalling what Garcia told him._

_ "Oh yeah..it makes me dress like a tramp and see you during my lunch break."_

_ "But a nice tramp." he leaned over and kissed her lightly on the lips. "Can you do that more often, it freaks Morgan out too."_

Spencer was laying in his hospital bed, recalling the small misunderstanding that occurred months ago and it brought a small smile to his lips. He couldn't imagine any girl being jealous about him and he wonder how she would react at the fact that he had to strip for a complete stranger to be hosed off. _If you could tell her and you can't, she can never find out about this. _Spencer looked up at the ceiling and wondered what they would have told her if they hadn't found the antidote in time.

"Hey kid I got you the Jello. You ok?" asked Morgan sitting the Jello cup down.

"Just thinking." He took the cup and started poking at the Jello cup.

"Reid," prompted Morgan and Spencer sat his cup down.

"You guys could have told my mom anything about what happened to me and sent her my ashes. But Catherine...what would you have told her if I didn't make it?" Morgan shifted in his seat nervously.

"I don't know kid." Spencer nodded, picked his cup up and started eating it. "You know that we would look after both your mom and Catherine if anything happened."

"I know that and yet it doesn't make it any easier you know."

"I know." Spencer ate his Jello cup in silence and thought about what he had told his mother and Catherine for what he thought was going to be the last time he told them anything.

…...

_You always do this...how phenomenal stupid do you have to be to always do this,_ thought Spencer staring at the broken bottle of Anthrax. He was infected and he was going to die. He had just blindly walked into the shed and than he realized it was a lab of some sort and that a broken vial of Anthrax was on the floor. He had shut and locked the door before Morgan could also be infected. He had searched the lab and was able to find some things to help the team, but nothing really ground breaking yet. He couldn't focus. He kept seeing the dead bodies of those infected at the hospital and the fear in Abby's eyes when she realized she couldn't speak. _Even if she could have her family with her __she can't tell them anything. I don't want that. _

He had sent this mother a letter last night and he had quickly said goodbye to Catherine this morning before leaving. _When JJ said don't pack a go bag I assumed that I would be home tonight. _He pulled out his phone and called Garcia.

"Hey Reid," she sounded so serious. Even when they had real serious cases she always had something funny to say.

"Reid, wow. No, ah no witty Garcia for me?" He wanted her to be ok. She was always making him feel better and he felt guilty for making her so sad. He knew that he was going to be asking her a huge favor and he wanted to try and make her smile once.

"I can't be my sparkly self when you're where you are," she said.

"Hey Garcia can I ask you a favor?"

"Anything."

"Um, I know that I can't call my mom at the hospital without alerting the staff there and I can't really call or text Catherine without alerting the school so in case anything happens I really want to leave them a message," before he could go on Garcia interrupted him.

"Oh you know that your going to figure out who did this and find a cure." _Always trying to make others feel better and find a positive. _

"But, just in case I really want my mom to hear my voice and I know that you'll tell Catherine what I'm about to say."

"Um, ok. Give me a second." he heard the clicking of keys and he waited.

"Are you ready?" he asked.

"Yeah honey." Spencer took a deep breath before speaking.

"Hi mom, this is Spencer. I just really wanted you to know that I love you..." Spencer fought back tears and started to cough. "And I need you to know that I spend everyday of my life proud to be your son. You were an amazing mom and I couldn't have asked for anyone else. Thank you for everything you did for me." He had to take a moment to collect himself and for a second Garcia worried that she had lost him.

"Catherine, I want you to know that I love you and I know I really didn't say it that much during our relationship. It was because what I felt for you really couldn't be summed up in just those three words." Garcia could hear the heart ache in his voice and wondered if she would really be able to sign the tone of of this final message to her properly

"I wish I had words to tell you how happy you've made me and that if I could anything over it...I wouldn't have left that night. I would have stayed and we could have had more time together. I love you." Garcia heard him coughing again and she wanted to cry.

"Reid..."

"I have to go, Dr. Kimura is here." Before she could say anything else he hung up the phone and she saved his messages to her hard drive, she e-mailed herself a copy and she put another copy on her flash-drive. She had a feeling though she would never forget his words to the two women who had him.

…...

When Spencer woke up the next morning he still felt sort of sore and tired. Morgan had fallen asleep in the chair next to him. Dr. Kimura came into his room.

"How are you feeling Dr. Reid?"

"Still a little sore. Do I have to stay another day?"

"It's just to be sure that you don't have any lasting damage to your lungs." Spencer nodded, he understood that it was for his own good to keep him here.

"What happened to my cell phone and other personal effects?"

"We had to burn your clothes, but your friend brought you a change and we made sure the rest of your effects have been cleaned."

"Could I have them back please?" Dr. Kimura looked at him worried. "My girlfriend is Deaf and I text her at least once when I'm away. My co-worker already told her I was going to be out of town, but I still want to talk to her. I won't tell her I'm here."

"I'll see about get you your personal effects." She left the room and Morgan started to wake up.

"God these chairs are uncomfortable," said Morgan.

"The bed isn't much better or the food," recalling his dinner from last night. Dr Kimura came in with his bag.

"Your phone has a missed text from last night." She sat the bag on his bed. "I've ordered another chest x-ray for this morning and another round of the anti-toxin just in case. You can go home tomorrow morning." She left the room and it was all Spencer could do to not rip the bag open, he forced himself to calmly open the bag and pull out his phone and read his missed text.

_You going to be home for the dodgeball grudge match? You can see how deadly I am with a ball of rubber. ^-^ _Spencer smiled and Morgan shook his head.

"Wow she's not even sending you dirty texts and she makes you smile like that. Just marry her already," Morgan teased and he got up and left the room to see about getting them breakfast. Spencer sat there with the phone in his hand and his mind went blank. _Why not...I love her...I've known her since forever and it's been serious for awhile. Why don't I just ask her to marry me? _

…...

Spencer was checked out at noon the next day and let Morgan drive him home.

"Emily told Catherine that you we working a case and that you did a Geographical Profile and that was it. She doesn't know anything else kiddo."

"And she can't know," he said

"You think you can keep this from her?" Spencer looked at him.

"You think I really want to tell her that I almost died from Anthrax two days ago. Not a conversation I wanna have with her...ever." Morgan nodded. Spencer got out of the car and headed up to the apartment. He knew that Catherine wouldn't be home yet and he just wanted a moment to think. If felt so good to be home and he just stood there for a moment and took it in. He went into the bedroom and sat on their bed. She had changed the sheets on the bed, she did every other week. It was so normal and he knew that he wanted this more than anything. _I want this...I want this life to be with her._

…...

Spencer gave his five dollar donation at the door and took his seat next to Garcia and Kevin in the bleachers. The gym was packed with students, parents and other teachers.

"Wow a lot of people will pay to watch teachers throw things at each other," said Garcia.

"Some people just like to watch others get hit in the face with balls," said Kevin. Garcia just looked at him.

"Don't make me rain death on your PC." Spencer looked down on the gym floor and saw Catherine was stretching out on the gym floor, she looked up in the bleachers and spotted him. She waved and smiled at him. He waved back and was just so happy to see her. They called the game to start and the rules were signed and spoken.

"No hits to the face. You catch the ball and your opponent is out and any team mates that were outed are back in. The winning team gets to donate their money to the class of their choice and the loser has to give their money to the winning team's class. Let's behave tonight children," signed the ref looking at Catherine and Saloo. Saloo has a tall black man with a modest Afro who taught Geology. They got along ok after Catherine had beat him last fall in dodgeball. They were giving other mock dirty looks and the students were catcall out to the teachers.

"Own him Ms. D!"

"Come on Mr. Saloo...don't take it again." The ref sat six balls out on the middle of the floor and stepped out of the way.

"Let's play," he signed and called out. The mad rush happened and most of the balls were taken up by Saloo's team, but Catherine's team was much better at dodging and catching the balls. They hurled their balls back and Saloo's team was quickly knocked down. It started to get rough and Spencer found himself cringing when a ball missed Catherine's head by inches. She slid on the floor, got a ball and chucked it back at Saloo. She hit him in the knees and he was out. The played four games in all and Catherine's team won three of the four, she had a bloodied knee to show for it and a scrap on her arm. But she was grinning and Saloo was just shaking his head.

"You fight dirty young lady," he signed.

"You just don't like losing to midget," she joked. He shook her hand and it was agreed that the money would go to the Junior class and they started whooping in their seats. Spencer made his way down to the gym floor and stood off to the side while she chatted with the students and a few of the teachers on her team. She looked over at him and said good bye to the rest of her team.

"So dodgeball has clearly gotten rougher since we were kids," joked Spencer. Catherine looked at her injuries and shrugged.

"The Junior class has some extra money for Prom now so I'm not gonna complain." Garcia and Kevin came down and Garcia hugged Catherine.

"Nice moves kid."

"Yeah that dodging and throwing was really good," signed Kevin and Catherine laughed. Garcia caught how Spencer was looking at Catherine. He had just been released today and she had a feeling that he just wanted to be alone with her right now.

"So we're gonna take off. You two have a nice night," Before Kevin could say anything, Garcia had taken him by the hand and was dragging him out. Spencer looked down at her and just smiled.

"Come on, let's get you cleaned up," He wrapped an arm around her waist and she followed him out.

…...

Catherine was sitting on the edge of bed, Spencer had the first aid kit out and was kneeling in front of her on the floor.

"God, Catherine you really messed yourself up." He cleaned up her knee and she winced a little. He shook his head, pulled out a band-aid and placed it on her knee. There wasn't much he could do for the scrap on her arm.

"You are far too dedicated sometimes," signed Spencer.

"Look who's talking? You almost got yourself blown up once so don't tell me about dedication," teased Catherine. _I also refused to stop working a case after being exposed to Anthrax. _He had his hand on her knee and moved it to her inner thigh. _I missed you. _Spencer bent down and kissed her slowly at first, letting his tongue linger on her lips. She opened her mouth for him and let him taste her. She took her hands and place them on his neck to pull him closer. He pushed her back further on the bed so he could position himself on top of her. He couldn't stop kissing her, sucking and biting on her bottom lip before sliding his tongue back into her mouth. I_ could have died and I would have left you alone and how unfair would that have been._

Catherine fell asleep a little while later and she curled up next to him,she had her arm around his waist and he was holding her hand. He could feel her breathing on his neck.

"You have no idea how happy I am to be home with you right now," he said to himself. He studied her hand, she had such small hands compared to him and he wondered how to go about asking her to marry him.

…...

"Hey JJ," she looked up from her files and smiled to see Spencer. It was his first day back since being released from the hospital. He smiled back at her and he came into her office and shut the door.

"Hey Spence. How are you feeling?"

"Good. Um...are you free for lunch today?" JJ wasn't a full fledged profiler, but she could tell that he seemed really nervous about something.

"Sure I can be free for lunch, but there is a catch," she teased.

"What's the catch?" he asked.

"You have to tell me why you're so twitchy?"

"I'm not twitchy," his voice raised an octave and she raised her eyebrow. He sat down across from her and took a deep breath.

"I need your help with something."

"Ok. What is it?" asked JJ.

"I need you to come with me and...help me pick out a ring for Catherine."

"What kind of ring," teased JJ. She had a very good idea what he wanted, but she wanted to hear him say it.

"You know." She leaned back in her chair and smiled. "An engagement ring," he admitted. JJ's smile got wider and she walked over and hugged him.

"Oh my God Spence. Congratulations."

"She hasn't said yes yet."

"And if she doesn't she will have three very upset female FBI agents on her doorstep. Why wouldn't she say yes?"

"I don't know...I'm pretty sure she's going to say yes, but I believe the saying about counting the chickens before they hatch applies here." JJ shook her head.

"I'll meet you outside at noon." Spencer nodded and left her office. She waited until he shut the door and called Garcia's office.

"Hey Garcia, can you meet me for lunch? We have a very important task at hand. Yeah, someone decided it was time to ask a question." JJ had to pull the phone away from her ear when Garcia started screaming. "Send Emily an e-mail please and you are not allowed to tell Kevin, Morgan or anyone else about this. See you at noon."

…...

Spencer was waiting for JJ on a bench outside and was wondering if he should have just gone by himself to pick a ring. He spotted JJ and she was with Emily and Garcia, he was now really starting to wonder what he had gotten himself into. Spencer stood up and was almost knocked over by Garcia hugging him.

"About damn time you made an honest woman of her. Oh god I have the most awesome idea for a cake..."

"Please get her off me she's scaring me right now," said Spencer.

"Let's take this one step at a time," said Emily trying not to grin. "First thing first, you want to get her ring."

"Let's walk and talk we have an hour," said JJ. It was like a force of nature, thought Spencer as the three women walked with him.

"I love weddings, I have spent the last hour looking up venues here in DC and Virginia...can I be bridesmaid?" asked Garcia.

"Really you're scaring me," said Spencer. JJ and Emily couldn't stop laughing and Spencer was really regretting his choice right now. "You know...I think I can do this by myself. Just don't tell anyone that I'm going to do this."

"Oh come on," said JJ.

"We're going to help you and it's going to be ok. Garcia is just over-excited since the closest she is getting to a ring is the Ring Pop that Kevin got her a week ago," said Emily.

"It was so tasty, but it wasn't shiny or lasting," whined Garcia.

"Ok, we are losing time and focus. Do you have anything in mind that you think she would like? Are you think bridal set or engagement solitaire. A cut or a color?" asked JJ.

Spencer couldn't help but grin. JJ was the practical one, Emily was the neutral one and Garcia was the excited one. He hadn't thought about asking Emily or Garcia, but now that they were here he was sure they would point him in the right direction. They walked a few blocks away and they walked into the nearest jewelery store. The clerk, an older white man with thick black hair looked up at them and the expression on his face was unreadable.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

"He's looking for an engagement ring," said JJ.

"For which one of you?" he asked.

"Not for us," said Emily.

"Sadly," muttered Garcia. The clerk looked at him.

"Are the three sisters going to do all your talking?"

"I um...this is my first time doing this so...it's possible they will do all my talking," said Spencer. The clerk nodded and motioned for them to come over to a display case. The group walked over to the case and studied the rings.

"Don't get the ones with the pointy cut," said Emily.

"Why?" asked Spencer.

"They catch on everything and they stab your finger," said Emily.

"Agreed," said JJ.

"Can the boy get a word in?" asked the clerk. "We'll start slow. White gold or yellow gold."

"White, she hates how yellow gold looks on her." The three women looked impressed that he knew that. He might be a genius, but he was still a man.

"What does she do for a living? Does she work a lot with her hands, is it messy or dangerous. Can she wear it all the time?"

"Um, she a teacher, but she's Deaf so she uses Sign Language so her hands get looked at a lot," said Spencer.

"So something nice, but not overly distracting or large. Nothing pointy," said the clerk looking at Emily.

"Bridal or Solitaire?"

"What's the difference?" he asked and before the clerk could answer JJ was talking.

"A Bridal set is both the engagement ring and the wedding ring. They fit together after the wedding happens. They tend to be a little shower and the Solitaire is one that she would wear by itself and than she would stop after you get a wedding band." Spencer gave her a look and so did Emily and Garcia. "What Will and I have been looking?"

The clerk fought the urge to roll his eyes, Spencer really didn't want to go through this again.

"Let's go with a set," said Spencer.

"Smart boy," the older man started looking through a case and pulled out a ring.

"White gold, 1oK and ½ CT Diamond with a round cut." The clerk held out the rings out to Spencer. The engagement ring was a round diamond with a smaller diamonds around the larger round diamond with smaller diamonds in the band, the wedding band was cut so that it would link to the engagement ring and also had diamonds in the band.

"Yes, get her this one," said Emily.

"If she says no can I have it?" asked Garcia and JJ elbowed her.

"Would the man who is buy the ring please say something?"

"This one," said Spencer. He could see her wearing it. He could see him putting on her finger and the look that would be on her face.

"Ok." The clerk took the rings back and placed them in a black velvet box. Spencer paid, he really didn't care about the cost. Tradition said he was supposed to spend three months of his salary anyway. Thankfully it didn't come close to that much, but he knew her and that she would like this when she saw it.

"Just one thing," said the clerk.

"Yes."

"Leave the three sisters at home or they'll ask her for you."

"Count on it." Spencer shoved the ring into his shoulder bag.

"Ok...see that wasn't so bad," said JJ.

"She's going to love it," said Emily.

"So I can get you dinner reservations anywhere in town..." started Garcia.

"I think I wanna handle the asking part myself Garcia," said Spencer.

"Oh but I can pull strings and..." she saw the look they were giving her and she bowed her head. "I never get to have any fun."

…...

Catherine was sitting on the floor with her grading when he came home.

"How was you day?" he asked.

"Mr. Germanott from upstairs wouldn't look me in the eye when I got the mail this afternoon. Other than that it was good. You?"

"Good." He sat down next to her. "You know Emily was telling me that there is a traveling art exhibit from Japan coming to New York this summer. Maybe I can see about sneaking away for a weekend and we can go see it."

They had never really gone away just the two of them, if they left town it was for family reasons or it was for work functions. They had never just left town so they could be alone, unless he counted that time at Gideon's cabin which he didn't want to. Catherine sat down her blue pen of grading.

"Sure. I'm not teaching summer classes on Fridays. We can leave on a Friday afternoon and come home Sunday night." He just smiled at her and offered to start dinner.

Catherine picked her pen back up and found that she had lost focus. Spencer rarely offered to take time off and taking time off to go to New York was another story. New York wasn't his cup of tea and she understood that. They always found things to do here in DC and she was sure that if they waited a few months the show would come here to DC. Catherine picked her pen up and shook her head, he was just trying to be nice since he knew this was something she would like. _Not like he has some elaborate marriage proposal planned. _She loved Spencer, but his romantic gestures were the sweet and understated kind. He would just do something out of the blue and small that would make her smile. She shook her head and looked at Spencer, _the grand sweeping gesture is not him. If he was going to ask he would probably do it while we're watching Dr. Who_

Spencer started a pot of water boiling for pasta and grinned to himself. He would ask Hotch for the time off and he had more than enough saved to leave for a weekend. He would get them a nice hotel room in New York, take her to see the exhibit, and than over dinner he would ask her. He refused Garcia's idea of putting it in the dessert. He could only see that ending badly. He looked at Catherine. _She's going to be so surprised._

…...

He was just about to go up to Hotch's office and ask for his weekend off when JJ walked past him carrying a huge file.

"Sorry...I need him first," she went into Hotch's office and less than ten minutes later they were being called into the conference room. They were heading to Canada, some man had crashed into a border guard's booth and had confessed to killing ten people.

"Oh Canada my home and native land," sang Emily to herself. Morgan grinned and headed out. Emily looked at Spencer.

"I hope you hid it somewhere good while you're away," teased Emily.

"Shut up," muttered Spencer teasing her back. He would just have to wait to ask Hotch for his time off. _Duty calls..._

No one can possibly know what is about to happen: it is happening, each time, for the first time, for the only time. James A. Baldwin

Ep's used-Amplification, 52 Pickup and To Hell and Back Part One.

The ring in question- . ?productId=12018225&kpc=1


	37. Chapter two part twelve

Chapter two part twelve

Living involves tearing up one rough draft after another. Author Unknown

Spencer sat down on the couch and put his head in his hands, it had been four of the longest days of his life. They had just finished their case in Canada and it ended with them finding eighty nine bodies, if you added the death of the two Un-subs the final body count was ninety one. He was exhausted, both mentally and physically. It just seemed unbelievable that over eighty people had been killed over several years and had it not been for the actions of William Hightower looking for his missing sister they never would have found out what was happening on that pig farm in Canada. William's final act in his sister's name had been to kill Mason Turner. A man so sick and twisted that he had convinced his mentally handicapped brother to abduct and kill for him.

Spencer heard her footsteps coming down the hall and wiped his eyes quickly. He stood up and looked at her. He must have woken her up and not realized it.

"Hey, you're home," she signed. Catherine looked at him and was worried, it looked like he had aged twenty years in four days. She had a feeling that this is one that he wouldn't talk about, but it might get press considering how long he was gone and how out of touch he had been. He wouldn't look her in the eyes and she knew that it must be pretty bad. Catherine walked up to him and touched his arm.

"Spencer, come on. Let's just go to bed." Spencer knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. That if he closed his eyes all he would see would be pigs, the piles of shoes, the sound of Morgan screaming at them to stop shooting Lucas Turner.

"I can't," signed Spencer. Catherine reached out and hugged him. Spencer stood there for several moments unable to response and when he finally did he just broke down sobbing. She couldn't make out anything he was saying. She hated feeling so powerless to do anything for him.

"It's so stupid...it's all so stupid," was all he could get out. Spencer let Catherine lead him to bed and he fell in fully dressed. Catherine pulled him close and he was so tired he passed out. It felt like it had only been seconds since he had fallen into bed when he heard his phone ringing. Spencer shifted in the bed and started reaching for the phone.

"Reid," he answered.

"Spence it's me," said JJ. How the hell could she so sound so awake. He looked at the clock and realized that he had only been home four hours.

"I'll be quick," she said and she relayed the bullet points for him. Two men had been murdered with the initials LC near their bodies and that a local ER doctor had received a note also signed LC. The writer was threatening to kill the doctor's son and should the doctor keep the son in hiding, one person would die each day.

"I know we're all tired but," Spencer cut her off.

"I know. Do I have time for a shower first?"

"Sure." She gave him the address and he asked for thirty minutes. Ten for the shower, twenty to get over to the scene via taxi. Spencer crawled out of bed and realized that Catherine wasn't in bed, but he could hear her in the kitchen and he could smell coffee. He heard her coming back down the hall and she looked surprised to see him awake.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you up." He remembered that it was Friday so she had to go work.

"No...we're being asked to help on a case." she frowned.

"You just got home."

"It's local so I should be home by tonight or in the morning."

"Do you need a ride? I can drop you off."

"You'll be late."

"It will be the first time I'm late in almost a year. Go take your shower, I'll make you some breakfast." The thought of eating really wasn't that appealing, but he couldn't remember the last meal he had.

"Thank you." He went into the bathroom and took the hottest shower he could stand. He dressed quickly and went into the kitchen and found that Catherine had made him an omelet with toast. She was pouring him a travel cup of coffee and was dumping sugar into by the tablespoon.

"Eat," she told him. Spencer had learned fighting with her when it came to meals was a lost cause. He used to forget to eat when he lived alone, it wasn't until he was nearly starving did he remember to eat. It was the first decent and hot meal he could remember having since leaving for Canada. She handed him his coffee which was still hot and sweetened accordingly.  
>"Thank you," he signed.<p>

"See sometimes I know better than you." They left the apartment and collected Catherine's car from the garage across the street. The cost of keeping both cars was sometimes a pain in the ass, but it came in handy sometimes. Spencer gave her the address and he was right on time.

"I'll see you later," she signed. Spencer leaned across the seat and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before getting out of the car. He watched her drive away and with a supreme effort of will turned towards the crime scene. He had a feeling that it was going to be a long day.

…...

Even though he could could read 20,000 words a minute the files were overwhelming in volume. Garcia had been able to fax them all the files they asked for and he, Emily and Dr. Barton were sorting through them. Barton was very distracted, his son had managed to climb out of his bedroom and went to school. Morgan, Rossi and JJ were at the school helping with the lock down. Emily kept trying to reach Hotch and was unsuccessful.

"We need Hotch," said Emily.

"Who?" asked Barton.

"Our Unit Chief, we weren't supposed to work today and we've been having trouble reaching him," said Spencer sitting another file aside and moved on the next.

"You know he's only twenty minutes from here. I could go and get him," said Emily standing up. Spencer agreed and she left quickly. They only five hours until school ended and they still had at least a hundred files to go through.

"The note doesn't say that he'll kill Jeffery today...what if we don't find this person today? How long do you all plan on being here?" asked Barton.

"Let's just get through today," said Spencer and he sorted through another stack. He was making some headway in the files when his phone rang and it was Emily.

"Hotch is missing."

"What?" asked Spencer confused.

"I got here and there are clear signs of a struggle, a bullet hole in the wall and a dried pool of blood." Spencer felt every hair on his neck stand up and a wave of panic take over.

"What's going on?" asked Barton. _Damn it,_ thought Spencer and he motioned to the doctor to please give him a minute.

"Is this about Jeffery?" he asked panic stricken.

"No this is an unrelated matter," said Spencer trying to catch what Emily was telling him.

"I'm waiting for CSU and Metro...I have Garcia looking for him at local hospitals..."

"Damn it tell me what is going on!" ordered Baron.

"Sir I promise this is not about your son, but it's very important that I take this call," said Spencer as calmly as he could. Barton gave him a look and sat back down.

"There is a huge hole in the wall, maybe a .44 but no blood," _Thank god for small favors._

"Any idea how he got out?" asked Spencer since Hotch's car was still there from what Emily had told him.

"If he was shot there are no drag marks, unless he was wrapped in something."

"CSU is on the way," confirmed Spencer.

"They should be here any second."

"Ok...write down everything you see and we'll start a profile from there," said Spencer trying to stay calm. _God what happened to Hotch..._

"How's Dr. Barton?" asked Emily. Spencer looked at the doctor pacing in the next room. Time was running out and now he was going to have to try to piece this together solo.

"There is a huge list of cases, but I think I can handle it."

"Ok...you stay focused on that and I'll handle this end," said Emily. They hung up and Dr. Barton came back in the room. _Focus on this...focus on this..._

"I'm really sorry about that Dr. Barton, but Agent Prentiss has been called away on an emergency." Barton looked pissed and Spencer really couldn't blame him.

"I'm confident that the two of us can do this together if we just focus. He's been kill Hispanic males as surrogates. We have those separated?"

"Yes," said Barton taking a seat.

"How many?"

"Eighty two." _Ok that's a smaller than a hundred._

"Alright and on how many of those dates did you operate on someone else as well?"

"Seventy five."

"And how many died on the table?"

"Eleven." _Bingo._

"Ok this is where we start."

…...

"He's going to ask you to marry him," signed Laura over lunch.

"No he's not," signed Catherine.

"He wants to go away with you to New York for a weekend. Has he ever wanted to do that?" asked Molly, one of the history teachers.

"Well no..."admitted Catherine.

"And you didn't prompt him or nudge him for this weekend get away?" asked Laura.

"Well no," signed Catherine. _It's just a nice thing to do and we've never gone away so it's just something to shake things up. _

"You've been together for about four years, you've never gone on a real vacation together and than just out of the blue he wants to go to New York. I smell a question being popped," signed Laura.

"Maybe he's just trying something new for a change," signed Catherine.

"You come back from summer break without a ring on you. I will chaperone any field trip or school function you need," said Molly. Catherine was regretting telling them about the New York trip.

"Look Spencer is very sweet, but trust me if he was going to ask me it's going to be a very quiet and private thing. He's not going to drag me out of town to do it, but I will take you up on the chaperone bet," signed Catherine. Lunch wrapped up and Catherine headed to her office to finish some lesson prep before next period. _He's not going to propose...no...no...I mean what if he did...I would totally say yes...but oh my god. He's going to ask me...oh my god._ Now that it was staring her in the face, he was trying to make the grand sweeping gesture..._It's going to be awesome. _Catherine knew that when Spencer put his mind to do something he did it right. She picked up her lesson books and went into her Japanese class. All the kids noticed that Ms. D had the biggest smile on her face and didn't give them any homework.

"Whatever got her in a good mood, let's hope to stays till finals," signed one girl to her friend after leaving class.

…...

"It's because I didn't operate on him," said Dr. Barton. He explained to Spencer what had happened, there had been a head on car crash on the man he had operated on had survived. The other boy in the crash had been pronounced brain dead and had been put on life support the second they brought him in to the ER. The father had spoken to him after he talked to the family of the survivor and wanted to know why Barton wasn't going to help his son even though nothing could be done for him.

Spencer called Garcia and asked her to pull the boy's medical records, it turned out that the boy had just been taken off life support and died three days ago. His father was Patrick Myers and Spencer had her send his photo to JJ and the others at the school.

"I'm sorry I doubted you," said Barton.

"I tend to do my best work under pressure," admitted Spencer. Barton gave him a tired smile and went to get his coat. "Where are you going?"

"The note did tell me not break from my normal routine and I always picked Jeffery up on my off days."

"I'll come with you," said Spencer standing up. He went to grab his own coat when his cell phone went off and it was Emily. _Does she had news about Hotch?_

"LC...it's an administrative note on a patient's chart that means Living Children. They put it on charts for patients without a living will or a DNR," said Emily. _Living children...his own child isn't, but what if..._

"Emily what if this was the Un-sub's way of telling Barton that he's the target," said Spencer out loud. "Dr. Barton." _He must have gone outside._

"Barton!" called Spencer and he ran outside.

"Doctor!" called a man. From across the lawn, Spencer saw Patrick Myers holding a gun. Spencer ran towards Barton without thinking twice and knocked him to the ground. Spencer felt a stinging in his knee and than something warm and wet running down his leg. He dropped his cell and gun. He could half hear Emily yelling for him. Spencer looked down and saw that blood was soaking his pant leg.

"Are you hit?" asked Spencer.

"No," said Barton. Spencer saw that Patrick was still there with his gun and Spencer was without his.

"My gun, give me my gun," ordered Spencer. The few inches it was away seemed like miles. Barton handed him his weapon. Holding his weapon in one hand and his other hand holding his bleeding knee he looked up at Patrick.

"Get away from him!" cried Patrick crossing the yard.

"Whatever you do stay down," ordered Spencer.

"Don't protect him." Patrick was closing the distance between them.

"Drop your gun!" _I don't want to shoot you._

"He killed my son."

"He did not kill your son. Your son was killed in car accident," said Spencer trying to calm the grieving man.

"Stand up," yelled Patrick. _He's going to try to force you to kill him...he wants to die._

"I'm going to ask you again to put the gun down. I do not want to shoot you. Please put down the gun."

"Just stand up you coward," sobbed Patrick.

"Mr. Myers, listen to me it's over. Dr. Barton did not kill your son, your son died in a terrible accident and this not what he would want. Please just drop the gun," said Spencer. Patrick started to lower his weapon and than he heard the sirens.

"Don't do it."

"I'm sorry," he said softly and he raised the gun again. Before he could pull the trigger Spencer took his shot. He aimed for the man's side, enough to slow him down but not enough to kill him. He fell to the ground and Dr. Barton got up and went to exam his leg.

"I'm fine. Go to him and take his gun away." The adrenaline was starting to wear off and he could feel even more blood just running down his leg.

"Just let me die," pleaded Patrick. The medics and the police were getting close. Spencer dropped his gun and tried applying pressure to his own wound. Dr. Barton stripped off his jacket and applied pressure to the wound. When the medics arrived they went to Patrick and Dr. Barton assisted them. _God this hurts...Jesus Christ..._The medics took Patrick and Dr. Barton wiped his hands on his shirt trying to get the blood off before coming back to him.

"Let me look," he made Spencer move his hand and he examined the wound. "It looks like it went clean through."

"You saved his life," said Spencer watching the first ambulance leave. Three SUV pulled up and other climbed JJ, Rossi, Morgan and Dr. Barton's young son Jeffery.

"I'm fine," lied Spencer. "Go to your son." _He needs you more than I do, _thought Spencer. Barton went to his son and JJ, Rossi and Morgan made their way to him. _Shit Emily...Hotch._

"We're going with you to the hospital," said JJ kneeling down next to him.

"No...someone needs to call Emily...something happened to Hotch," said Spencer trying to fight the pain.

"What?" asked Morgan.

"I don't know all the details, just call Emily." Rossi got on his phone and called Emily.

"Can you have someone get Catherine for me?" asked Spencer. A team of medics came over and not so gently moved JJ and Morgan out of the way.

"I'll have an agent get her from the school," said JJ getting on her phone.

"Emily says Hotch is at St. Sebastian's. That's forty minutes from here," said Rossi.

"Where are you taking him?" asked JJ.

"George Washington is the closest," said one of the medics.

"Go to Hotch. I'll be fine," hissed Spencer.

"Reid," said Morgan.

"We don't how bad Hotch is, I'll be fine just go," hissed Spencer has the medic pushed down hard on his leg.

"We'll call you when we know something," said Rossi and he herded JJ and Morgan to the car. _Thanks Rossi. _Spencer watched them drive away and the medics moved him onto a gurney.

"Male, twenty eight years old, single GSW to the knee. Appears to be a thru and thru," said a male medic with red hair when they got him into the ambulance. Now that all the adrenaline had run it's course Spencer was really starting to feel how much a gunshot wound to the knee really hurt. Spencer forced himself to take several long, deep breaths. _Don't think about it...to go on is to be great, to be great is to go far, to go far is to return...damn this hurts._

"Do you want something for the pain?" asked a female medic.

"No," said Spencer a little too fast judging by the looks on their faces.

"They might have to do surgery on this knee. If you have any issues with medication we need to know," said a male medic.

"If I need to go under for surgery than that's ok, but I don't want anything after," said Spencer trying to stay awake. He had been clean going on three years and had no desire to risk losing that.

"Ok," said the female medic. The male medic has cutting through Spencer's pants to get a better look at the wound and to apply more pressure. Everything was starting to blur. _JJ said someone would get Catherine...we were supposed to do something this weekend...what was it. _Spencer felt the ambulance come to a halt and he was barely aware of being wheeled out. If not for the burning pain in his leg he would swear this was a dream.

"Agent Reid...can you hear me?" asked a doctor and Spencer sort of nodded. "I'm Dr. McClain and we're going to take you to the OR to see how bad your knee is."

"Kay," the blurring was getting worse and when he felt a needle slide into his arm he didn't fight it.

…...

"He never went to Prom!" said Cassie confused. Catherine smiled and helped Cassie move another table so the dance floor could be set up. Junior Prom was tomorrow night and the gym was being transformed to hold the dance. Cassie the Junior class President and nominee for Prom Queen wasn't above manual labor to make sure her night was perfect. Catherine was duty bound to help set up as their class sponsor. She was also duty bound to come here tomorrow night and watch them dance, flirt and try to act like adults while fighting over who stole so and so's date. Cassie had asked her about when she and Spencer had gone to Prom. When Catherine had admitted Spencer had never gone to Prom the young girl looked shocked.

"No Cassie, Dr. Reid has never been to Prom and he's supposed to be with me tomorrow night chaperoning. So this will be his first Prom." Spencer had agreed in years past to help her chaperone, but they're always seemed to be a last minute serial killer that needed to be caught. _Oh he's not getting out of it this year._

"But...it's Prom! He should gone with you at least once," countered Cassie.

"He was in college when I got to go to Prom so he missed out on all Prom activities. Don't worry I'm sure that in his eyes this will be just like going." Cassie rolled her eyes.

"Guys just don't get it," signed Cassie. "This is like a wedding, but you don't have to plan it and you still get to dance and wear the awesome dress." Catherine smiled and the moved another table.

"So who did you go to Prom with?" asked Cassie.

"My first Prom I went with a friend's brother and than my senior year I went with a group of people. All my friends dates were my dates," teased Catherine. They finished moving the tables and started setting them up with the tablecloths and centerpieces.

"So why didn't you go with anyone special?"

"Didn't really have anyone special at the time so I just went with who I wanted to hang out with." Cassie smoothed out a cloth and looked at Catherine.

"Can I ask you something as a person and not a teacher?" asked Cassie. Catherine valued herself as being someone the students could confide in. Catherine nodded.

"Well this is supposed to be special and I wanna make it special for me and Cooper...and well..." The girl turned red and it wasn't that hard to figure out. "How did you know when it was special?" Catherine motioned for the girl to sit down.

"You'll just know. But can I give you one piece of advice?" Cassie nodded. "Really think it through before you do this. I know this is going to sound like a teacher from a TV show, but you really only get this once and if you have any doubts at all than don't." Cassie nodded and than she looked over Catherine's shoulder.

"Principal Scott is heading this way with a couple of suits," signed Cassie. Catherine looked behind her and there was Leo Scott and with were two agents that Catherine had a vague memory of meeting at a Christmas party. All three looked very grim and Catherine felt frozen in place.

"Catherine, we need to talk in private," signed Leo. She stood up and followed the three a good distance away. The teens in the gym saw the group ask Ms. D to leave with them and a few of the bolder ones, including Cassie went over to the doors to peak through the window to see what was going on. They missed what was signed to her, but it wasn't good considering how pale she was and the fact that she was crying.

…...

It felt like pins and needles were in his leg both figuratively and literally. Spencer had no idea how long the surgery took and no one had come into speak with him yet, but he saw that his leg was out from under the blanket and was up in a sling and they had him in an upright position in the bed. He saw that his knee was heavily wrapped and he was pretty sure that he had pins and needles holding his knee together, he was also in a brace that went to almost his ankle. He looked and saw that he didn't have an IV for painkillers in his arm. The medics most have told the doctors and nurses about his request to stay off the medication. He laid against the pillow and closed his eyes when he heard someone at the door. Spencer opened his eyes and there stood a short, heavy weight doctor.

"Dr. Reid, I'm Dr. McClain. We had brief meeting before we took you into the OR." McClain pulled up a chair and looked over his chart.

"Well the surgery took a bit longer than I thought it would take, but you were in a bad way sir."

"How long?" asked Spencer.

"Close to four hours." Spencer's jaw dropped. "The good news you will walk again in time." _That's the good news..._

"Your knee cap was almost dismantled, I've only seen it a handful of times. Right now we're holding your knee in place with three sugar screws and two 2 inch long titanium screws. I want you off that leg for the next month. You're going to need to come back in two months for another operation to make sure everything is healing properly."

"And if it hasn't heal properly?" asked Spencer fearful of the answer. McClain sighed and leaned back in his chair.

"A couple decades ago we wouldn't have been to treat you at all. We have a few other orthopedic surgeons in the States that might be able to help you, but going overseas might work better since they have procedures we're still testing." Spencer felt like his blood had been replaced with ice water.

"That is the worst case scenario. I'm confident that your knee is going to be just fine. Like I said, I want you off that knee for a month. After a month, you'll come in and we'll see about getting you some crutches. After that we'll do the follow up surgery and than we'll move on to physical therapy. You might need one more surgery just to do a little tidying up, but it's going to be ok. I know it seems very overwhelming right now, but it could have been much worse." Spencer sighed, right now this all seemed very overwhelming however considering what the alternative could have been he should be thanking whatever higher power had taken an interest him at that moment.

"I'm told your refusing pain medication," said McClain.

"I don't like narcotics," Spencer said plainly hoping the doctor would get the unspoken message, he did judging by the look on his face

"Alright than. There is a young lady in the hall who has most worn a hole in the floor with her pacing. Do you want to see her now?"

"I need to make a phone call first," said Spencer wondering what had happened to Hotch in the four hours that he had been out. "Can I have my cell please?" The doctor reached into a bin on a shelf and handed him his phone.

"I'll give you ten minutes before I get her." McClain left the room and Spencer called JJ.

"Hey how are you?" asked JJ sounding very stressed out.

"It's going to be ok." Spencer had no desire to go into the details right now. "What happened with Hotch?"

"The Reaper," said JJ and that horrible feeling Spencer had about today just got worse. JJ filled him in on what happened. How Foyet using Morgan's credentials had dropped off Hotch after attacking him in his home and stabbing him multiple times. He had threatened Haley and Jack, they were safe and were going into Witness Protection for the time being.

"So how are you holding up?" she asked.

"Let's just say that it's a good thing that Morgan is in charge of kicking all the doors down, it's also good that I have really good insurance and a lot of time off saved up."

"I promise we'll come see you as soon as we all the stuff with Hotch settled," said JJ.

"No, it's ok. Catherine is here, Hotch needs you guys more," said Spencer.

"Ok, we'll see you soon." He hung up with JJ and he heard a knock on his door. He looked over and saw Catherine standing in the doorway. She had been crying and was very pale in the face. He wondered if McClain had filled her on his condition, he listed her in all his medical information as his contact, that she was allowed access to his records and to speak on his behalf for medical decisions.

"You know if you didn't want to chaperone Prom with me you could have just said no. This whole getting shot in the knee is serious overkill," signed Catherine trying to joke. _That's what I was supposed to do this weekend. _Catherine came into the room and took the chair left by McClain.

"You really know how to get a girl going," signed Catherine. Spencer leaned over and kissed her forehead.

"I figured that getting shot would help me avoid all arguments about me not wanting to go to Prom," he tried joking back.

"Rather passive aggressive don't you think. I would have opted for a car crash as an out. You have the joy of not only injuring yourself, but maybe some property damage."

"Did the doctor tell you everything?" Catherine nodded, he had told her everything and than some. They were lucky considering how much blood he needed on top of the surgery and that had this happened thirty years ago he might have lost his leg below the knee. That if everything failed here in the States that Norway had some very good experimental surgeries they could look into. That the bullet could have hit elsewhere and they could have been looking at a much worse case scenario.

"I guess this changes all summer plans. I can see about only teaching two days a week instead of four. My classes weren't that full anyway...I'll have to look into getting the handicap tags for our cars. They said you're going to need a wheelchair for a few weeks," Spencer cut her off, she was near tears again.

"I'm fine ok...it's going to be ok." She leaned over and kissed him hard on the mouth. If it wasn't for his leg being in the shape it was in he would have been very much into where this could have gone.

"I love you," he signed once she was done kissing him. She put her head on his shoulder.

"So other than getting shot in the knee, how was your day?"

…...

"Ha Gin," laughed Catherine laying her cards down. Spencer just rolled his eyes and took a sip of his water. It was Saturday night and he was hoping to be released by Monday morning. Hotch was nowhere close to being released according to the call he got from Emily. They were still staying with Hotch and Spencer knew it was for the best. Hotch had to send his son and ex-wife away for their safety and he had no one. At least he had one person here with him.

"I think you're cheating," signed Spencer.

"Why is it when you lose the other person is cheating?"

"Because it's a fact."

"Wow you are full of it. Remind me to tell Vicky to wait at least ten minutes before answering any of your call lights." Spencer took the cards back and started to shuffle. Catherine felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and she pulled it and read the text.

"Are you up for some visitors?" asked Catherine.

"Who?"

"A couple of the kids from school either saw me freak out or you made the papers because they're asking to come see us." Spencer's eyebrows went up a bit, he had spent some time in passing with a few of Catherine's students. He knew that Catherine was one of the more popular teachers at school so it so sort of natural that they would be worried about her and about him by proxy.

"If they want to bore themselves with us they are more than welcome to come by," signed Spencer. He figured they would just stop by, drop off any gifts and than he was going to ask Catherine to get them some dinner and than he wanted to sleep. The pain in his leg was simply a dull ache now. Catherine returned the text and Spencer dealt another hand which Catherine lost.

"I think you cheat," she signed. Spencer looked up and saw several students in their formal wear at his door.

"We have company," he signed and Catherine turned around and motioned for the kids to come in. Spencer recognized Cassie and her boyfriend Cooper. Another student he recognized was Sam, the Vice President of the class and his date along with two other couples.

"Spencer that is Kelly. This is Jackson and Madison. And Megan and Troy." The kids waved and he gave them a wave. Cassie was holding a large gift basket and grinning.

"We figured that you guys weren't going to make it tonight and has a future Prom queen I can't let you guys not have Prom, especially you." She pointed at Spencer and looked shocked. "I don't care that you were twelve in high school you should have gone to Prom...you could have gone with Ms. D when she was in high school." Spencer looked at Catherine and she shrugged. Behind Cassie, Cooper made the sign for crazy and pointed at Cassie. Spencer gave him a small smile.

Cassie handed them the gift basket. They found several DVD's to watch, all with a Prom theme, some gift cards to some restaurants and a corsage and boutonniere. Catherine just shook her head.

"Oh Carrie," signed Catherine and Kelly rolled her eyes.

"The guys picked that out and Prom Night."

"He got shot by like the Mob or something isn't that punishment enough?" asked Sam.

"The Mob?" asked Spencer.

"Just go with it," signed Catherine. "This is all very thoughtful. Thank you."

"No...put your flowers on and let us take your picture," signed Cassie. Cooper was still behind Cassie and was signing his apology.

"She's really into to this so just do what she wants and we'll go away." Cassie turned around and Cooper just grinned. Spencer took the corsage and placed it on Catherine's wrist.

"I don't think it's going to work on the gown," signed Catherine. She put it behind his ear. "Yeah it works."

"You're lucky I love you." Cassie took their picture and she promised to e-mail it to them later on.

"I'll be back on Tuesday. Behave yourselves...call me if you need a ride home," she told them. The group left and Spencer fished the flower out of his hair.

"Kids. That was really nice of them. I think this room has a DVD player," signed Spencer. "Dinner and movie."

"Sure." She left to get them dinner and Spencer tried to get comfortable in the bed. _This is what I get for making plans. _He wasn't going to be in any shape to leave town now, a good chunk of his time off was going to be spent recovering from this. Plus considering what was going with Hotch and the return of the Reaper he really didn't think this was the right time to be asking her to marry him. _It's only a small delay...I wanna make sure that I'm going to get better and that everything is ok with everyone before I go through with this._ Catherine came back with some sandwiches from the deli and a bag of popcorn and with some maneuverings she was able to lay next to him in the bed.

Catherine put her head on his chest and Spencer felt her drift off to sleep ten minutes into the movie, he dozed off a few minutes after her. The nurses covered them both up and finished watching Carrie.

When Spencer came back to work a month later a new picture was carefully placed in a drawer so when he opened it he could see it. It was Catherine wearing her corsage and him with a flower in his hair in a hospital bed. He also placed the engagement ring in that drawer. He was going to ask her...just when things settled down.

Life is just a series of trying to make up your mind. Timothy Fuller

Ep's used-To Hell and Back-part two and Nameless, Faceless

I can see Spencer never going to Prom since he was 12 at the time.

I based the knee injury stuff on what happened in real life to our poor MGG. You can read his funny little story here.

facebook .com/pages/Matthew-Gray-Gublers-letter-about-his-knee-LOL/343773330812


	38. Chapter two part thirteen

Chapter two part thirteen

The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend. Henry David Thoreau

"I don't understand this," signed Spencer.

"I know," signed Catherine. Spencer flipped through the pages and the look on his face was a mix of confusion and aggravation.

"These are two of the least likable characters in fiction ever created. I'm just getting angry reading this." Catherine just sat there grinning and he picked up the next book and started reading. He got over half way through in less than ten minutes and he looked ready to throw the book across the room.

"Vampires conceiving children and them having an accelerated gestation period makes no sense at all," He finished the book and looked very upset. "This is forty minutes of my life I will never get back. Why did you let me do this?" asked Spencer.

"I told you that you weren't going to like Twilight and you wouldn't listen to me. Because you know everything, Mr. Know-it-all," teased Catherine.

"JJ and Garcia said that everyone read these and they were good."

"Well everyone makes mistakes."They were in Spencer's hospital room and he was recovering from his second knee surgery. The two 2 inch titanium screws were sitting in a small baggie on the bedside. Catherine joked that she could have the screw heads turned into cuff links for him.

"Forty minutes of my life," signed Spencer. Catherine picked up the books she had checked out and placed them in a bag.

"This is why you should listen to me. I had to read them, you didn't."

"Why did you have to read them?" asked Spencer.

"I work with high school kids, all the girls were reading it so I had too. I have to know what the kids are into, just like you have know what serial killers are into." Spencer saw Emily in the doorway and motioned for her to come in.

"How you holding up?" asked Emily. Spencer was without his leg brace and was looking much better. She felt bad that she had no clue how bad he was hurt when they first took him to the hospital. He had told JJ he was fine, they should have realized that he was more worried about Hotch's condition than his own. It wasn't till a week later when they spoke with Catherine about how long Spencer was going to be out.

"Much better. Somehow not having screws in my knee feels really good," admitted Spencer. Emily sat down with them and she saw the books in the bag.

"Really...Twilight," joked Emily.

"I don't understand the appeal of that book series. It's has two highly unlikable lead characters, it doesn't make any sense at all and frankly when I was done reading I just felt like throwing something for wasting my time." Emily and Catherine both started laughing.

"Jacob was ok," signed/said Emily.

"So was Alice and Bella's dad," signed Catherine. Spencer groaned.

"I just don't understand...Edward plays abusive mind games with Bella for several chapters of the first book and than he sends her into a serious depressive state when he leaves for almost all of the second book and like a person suffering from Stockholm syndrome she bends to his will to get married. She gives up all her family, friends, dreams, and goals just to lose her virginity and become a vampire. How is this empowering or romantic to anyone?" asked Spencer.

"I have never seen him this mad," teased Emily.

"Don't get him started on the third X-men movie, Wil Wheaton or the ticket buying system of Comic Con," signed Catherine.

"So how did the surgery go?" asked Emily changing the subject.

"I'm going to have to stay with the physical therapy a bit longer, but I only have to use one crutch now and I got approved to go to California for Professor Fallon lecture next month. After that I get to use a cane and might only need one more surgery to see that everything is back together," said/signed Spencer. He was relieved, it had been a long and difficult summer both personally and professionally

He had spent most of May and part of June in a wheelchair and working in DC while the rest of the team went on cases. The only perk to that was he got to spend time with Catherine. The end of June and start of July got him on crutches and working lightly in the field. Therapy had been trying, walking with a knee that had been dismantled and was still held in place by screws was painful. He was proud of himself though for not taking anything stronger than a extra strength Tylenol and still going to meetings to help with that urge. Now with July coming to an end he had his second surgery and according to the doctor everything was looking good. They told him he might have a limp once he got to use the cane, but it could be worked on in physical therapy. They saw no reason why he wouldn't be back to normal by the time Christmas came around. While parts of his personal life had been upended, his professional life was turned on its head.

After the attack on Hotch, Chief Strauss felt the need to interfere with the team again. She was questioning everything Hotch said and did. She felt that Hotch should take a leave of absence. In the end it was agreed that Hotch would step down and that Morgan would take his place. It wasn't a bad thing that Morgan was in charge, but even Spencer could tell that he felt odd giving Hotch orders. They were no closer to finding Foyet despite their best efforts so Haley and Jack were still in hiding. Even though he was showing no outward signs of depression or any feeling other than determination, Spencer imagined that Hotch was missing his son a great deal and missing Haley to a lesser extent.

"Hey Earth to Dr. Reid," said Catherine.

"Sorry I zoned out," signed Spencer.

"Clearly," Emily's phone rang and it was JJ with a case. "Enjoy your time off, see you next week." Emily walked out the room and Catherine turned to Spencer.

"Did I mention the Twilight movies?" Spencer glared at her and she laughed. "Yeah I figured that would be your response."

"No more shiny vampires...please."

"No more shiny vampires," agreed Catherine. Catherine left to go teach her afternoon summer school class and Spencer thought about what else had happened over the past few months. He got a letter from his father asking if he and Catherine would like to come out for the Fourth of July. Spencer was in no shape to be stuck on a cramped commercial flight for three hours so he had to turn his father down, but he was touched by the offer. However, his father had made no effort to come out here to see them. He really hadn't told his mother about his getting shot, it would upset her too much and he didn't want to do that. He was almost finished with his BA in Philosophy and Catherine was insisting that he have a real graduation party this time, he had never had one before.

The ring still sat in his drawer at work and Spencer found that he couldn't work up the nerve now. He had been so ready to do so and than his accident happened and seeing what was going on with Hotch was just icing on the cake. Spencer couldn't imagine how he would be if he had to send Catherine away so that she would be safe. _If we don't catch Foyet, Hotch might never see Jack again...we just have nothing to go on. _When Catherine came back a few hours later they had dinner and Spencer leaned over and kissed her.

"Thank you."

"For what?" she asked.

"For being here...really I don't think I could have gotten through this summer without you."

"I couldn't let you wheel yourself around," she joked and than she saw how serious Spencer looked. "Hey, what's up?"

"It's just, you know most people would have ran screaming from this a long time ago."

"I'm not most people you know."

"No. No you're not and that really means a lot. I just want you to know that." He squeezed her hand and Catherine felt frozen in place. _I swear to god if he asks me to marry him here in this room I will either faint or smack him for asking me here in a hospital._

"I'm sorry that I can't sneak you with me to California," signed Spencer.

"I really had no desire to sit in a classroom and look at brain scans," signed Catherine. Spencer shook his head, he loved her dearly but her lack of interest in this topic made him sad. The rest of the night went by and he told her to go home and get some sleep. She kissed him good bye and left the hospital. She got in her car and just shook her head. _God I'm turning into a spaz, I really thought he was going to ask me._ It wasn't a big deal really she was fine with the state of their relationship, but still she couldn't help but wonder what he had planned for New York. They canceled their trip, due to his injury and he seemed more disappointed than she thought he would be.

_What is going on in that head of yours Spencer Reid?_

…...

Catherine sat down with her lunch tray across from Emily.

"No JJ or Garcia?" asked Catherine.

"JJ is buried in case work up to her eyeballs and Garcia is helping a new tech set up a new system. So it's just us today. You enjoying your freedom from Reid this weekend?" teased Emily.

"Oh it's nothing but pizza and horrible chick flicks." Catherine took a bite of salad and the two chatted back and forth for about an hour. Emily noticed that Catherine seemed slightly distracted and down about something.

"Hey, you ok. You don't seem like yourself?" asked Emily.

"Can I ask you something and not seem a total loser?"

"Sure." Catherine considered what she was going to say.

"I got reminded today of a really lame bet I made with another teacher at the Union meeting today. Spencer was going to take me to New York over the summer and everyone at school was sure it was because he was going to pop the question. So a teacher made the wager that I would come back from summer break engaged and if not she would chaperone any trip I needed. Well..." Catherine held up her left hand and it was bare.

"I sort of won...I got my chaperone, but I don't know Em. I like my relationship the way it is with Spencer and I know he has a lot going on right now. But ever once in awhile I get marriage envy and I know it's silly. I'm not one of those women that need the marriage and the big wedding. But, it would be nice to be considered for the role."

_Oh Reid you big dope, why haven't you asked her yet?_ Than again after everything that had happened over the past few months and seeing what Hotch was going through he was probably terrified of the idea of asking her. _He's thinking of everything he could lose if one thing at work goes wrong_

"Trust me...I'm not even seeing anyone and yet every time I see another woman with a ring on I want snatch it from her and wear it. I watch Say Yes to the Dress and drool, it's something in our heads that is just drawn to that stuff. They really should do brain scans of women fighting wedding envy," joked Emily. "You're not any different from any other woman in a serious relationship. Trust me when I say that you're not a loser, you just want what everyone is tell you is normal. Sadly, the job that Spencer and I picked takes us so far from normal it's unreal." Catherine held up her cup and mocked toasted Emily.

"To the not normal," she said. Emily toasted her back. They finished up their lunch and they were heading back to their cars. "Oh hey, we got a new Econ teacher. He's not to bad on the eyes and he is very normal. I can put some feelers out for you," signed Catherine.

"I'm gonna pass on the that for that for now," signed Emily and Catherine looked at her stunned.

"Oh come on. I really want new people to double with. I love Will, JJ and Garcia...I'm learning to like Kevin, but really I need new people that will handle Spencer's rambling."

"The offer is tempting, but right now everything is too crazy for me to be with a nice, normal, Econ teacher. Hopeful he's still be around when things settle down," signed Emily. Catherine looked at her, it was something about the way she was signing and her body language.

"Are you...you're seeing someone aren't you?"she teased.

"No," said Emily and Catherine just smirked.

"You are just keeping it on the down low. Not that I blame you. Just be happy that it's me and not Garcia. She would find him and track him down the end of the world. Just tell me he's not married or 'separated'."

"I'm not seeing anyone and if I was they would most defiantly not be married or 'separated'," signed Emily annoyed. Catherine just grinned and waved her good bye to Emily. Emily shook her head. _She spends why to much time with Spencer, her skills of profiling are getting too good. _

…...

"What's this?" asked Spencer noticing the long box on the table when he came home. Catherine looked up from her paperwork.

"A present from my dad and Erin." Spencer took the box and sat down. He opened it up and inside was a dark brown wooden cane with a craved bird head.

"My dad says it belong to Erin's grandfather. Since you won't let me and Garcia get you a really cool cane. I figured you might like this one instead." It wasn't too heavy and it wasn't too short. He sat his crutch down and picked up the cane. He stood up carefully and started to walk with it. His knee was still a little sore, but he felt ok walking with the cane.

"It has the added bonus of being a beat stick," signed Catherine.

"This is really nice of them. I'll have to call them later and thank them. You wanna go for a walk?" Catherine sat her paperwork down and put on her sneakers. Spencer decided to try out the cane for a trial run. They headed out and starting walking towards a nearby park.

"So how were the brain scans?" asked Catherine.

"Terrifying and informative," he signed.

"You and your hobbies." They walked across the park and came across a bunch of people playing chess. "You used to play all the time. I know I suck at it this game, but I never really thought to ask why you don't play anymore."

"After Gideon left I just didn't wanna play anymore. It just wasn't the same." The thrill of it was just gone, it was the same thing over and over again.

"You wanna whoop my ass for old time sakes?"

"I whoop you at almost everything." Catherine looked up at him and just gave him that look that spelled trouble.

"Seriously...come down here so I can physically whoop your ass." Spencer just grinned and took her hand.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah...you're gonna be sorry." They were halfway across the park and she felt his grip get a little tighter on her hand.

"Hey Catherine." He stopped and she looked up at him.

"Yeah." He suddenly couldn't say what he wanted to say. The box was in his pocket and all he had to was ask the question. "What." He looked like he was on the verge of having a panic attack of some sort and than he just shook his head, looked away and than looked back down at her.

"Nothing. I love you." he kissed her forehead.

"I think I lost count around thirty," teased Catherine.

"I think this is forty two." They finished the walk around the park and headed home.

"So Emily is hiding a boyfriend from Garcia and everyone else," signed Catherine.

"Really?" asked Spencer.

"Yeah...I think she's trying to avoid the stalking incident I had."

"Garcia has no regrets about that."

"Of course not."

…...

Emily knocked on the door and waited for an answer. She heard the footsteps and than a few seconds she later she heard the sounds of a deadbolt and a chain being undone. Hotch stood in the doorway.

"You shouldn't be here,"he said.

"I know," said Emily.

"If _he_ sees you here..." Emily cut him off.

"I don't care...can I come in." Hotch looked down and was torn.

"We never should have started this." It had started shortly after she and Reid had come back from Colorado. Hotch had insisted on driving her home and than refused to leave her alone. She knew that he heard Cyrus beating her and he wouldn't stop looking at face.

"I'm sorry," said Hotch.

"For what?" she asked sitting down.

"I could have called an attack on the compound sooner and I couldn't."

"And you would have risked everyone else in there. It had to be done...I'm ok Hotch and I would do it again. Cyrus would have killed Reid outright and there was no way I could have gotten the rapport with him that Reid did and Reid wouldn't have been able to get the rapport with Jessica's mother the way I did. We saved a lot lives by what we did."

"I couldn't it do it because..." started Hotch

"Don't say it..." said Emily. Hotch turned and looked at her and in that moment the whole dynamic of their relationship changed. They never said anything after it happened, they agreed to never talk about it and that it shouldn't happen again. It did though when they came back from Georgia and Emily had been forced to deal with sleaze ball Viper, and it happened again when they came back from Texas and dealing with the killer call girl.

"What are we doing?" asked Emily when he was getting ready to leave after in the morning. Hotch sat on the foot of her bed buttoning up his shirt.

"I don't know...what do you think we're doing?"

"I think we're toeing the line between causal hook ups and a relationship." Hotch nodded. "This is convenient for the both of us, we each get something we want and it's no strings attached."

"Do you want the strings attached?" asked Hotch.

"We're not ready to have the strings attached," said Emily and Hotch agreed. They told no one and it was rare that they would stay the night when it was over. Things came to a halt after the attack on Hotch. That night in the hospital after JJ, Morgan and Rossi left Emily stayed behind for a few more moments.

"We...it..." said Hotch.

"We said no strings," said Emily and Hotch nodded. They stopped, everything stopped: the after case dinners, the talks, the sex. Emily found herself missing Hotch, she was worried about him and the fact that they couldn't talk hurt. _Way to go Emily...the strings are attached._

Hotch kept looking at her confused.

"I won't stay the night," said Emily. Hotch opened the door and let Emily in.

In the end, who among us does not choose to be a little less right to be a little less lonely. Robert Brault

Notes- Ep's used- The Performer, Outfoxed, Minimal Loss, 52 Pickup and Pleasure is my Business.

I can see Reid hating Twilight with a passion. I'm sorry to anyone who likes Twilight, it's just not my cup of tea. The cane can be seen a few times in 100 and Slave of Duty, it does look awesome.

Emily seemed more worried about Hotch in Nameless, Faceless than anyone else on the team...I'm just saying. Love it, Hate it. Review it.


	39. Chapter two part fourteen

Chapter two part fourteen

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. Kenji Miyazawa

Hotch had asked him to help carry the coffin, but he couldn't carry the coffin and put weight on his injured knee. Instead Spencer walked beside Morgan as the escorted Haley Brooks Hotchner to her final resting place. Catherine watched Morgan, Kevin, Will, Rossi, Anderson and Haley's uncle carry the coffin from the hearse to her grave site. She really hadn't gotten to know Haley that well, but the few times they had met she struck Catherine has a very nice person that cared very much for Hotch and her son. _It's not right that she's gone, _thought Catherine taking her place next to Spencer after the coffin was placed.

Catherine felt Spencer intertwine his free hand with hers and he was holding it so hard it almost hurt. Spencer's eyes were red rimmed and for once in her life she was almost relived that she couldn't hear. Catherine didn't think she could stand to hear the grief coming from these people, seeing it and feeling it was hard enough. It was so heavy and overwhelming that if she had to hear it she might break down.

She could feel it in the way Garcia had hugged her when they got to the church, it was like she was scared to let Catherine go. She saw the way Haley's sister looked at Jack, a reminder of a sister who was gone forever because of a mad man wanting revenge. She saw it in Hotch, it was in his eyes. _He blames himself...they all do._ They all carried the same look in their eyes, it was a look that was just despair and lost and blame. She felt Spencer's grip get tighter, like he was scared that she would slip away if he let her go for a second.

…...

_One week ago_

Catherine watched Spencer walk into the apartment and it was the way he walked it that told her something horrible had happened. He shut the door and he leaned against it. Before she could asked anything he threw his cane down and fell to floor sobbing.

"Spencer," she went over to him and he was crying so hard that he was shaking and she could feel his breath catching in his throat. He was talking so fast that she couldn't catch anything he was saying. He just clung to her and sobbed for what felt like hours. _God what the hell happened?_

"Honey...what happened?" asked Catherine.

"Haley...she...we couldn't save her," he signed. It felt like her heart stopped, she had known about Haley being put in protective custody since Hotch had been attacked by The Reaper.

"Is Jack?" asked Catherine praying that the poor child was ok.

"He's fine." He went back to crying and couldn't go on. What could he tell her? That they had heard Haley's last words to Hotch. That he had heard her trying not to sob or show any fear to the man who was threatening to kill her son. That he heard her telling her son how much she loved him and he heard Jack saying that mommy was hugging him too tight. That he had heard the gun shots that claimed Haley's life.

_He needs to know that you weren't always so serious...I want him to believe in love. _That when they finally got to Hotch's home that Hotch had killed The Reaper with his bare hands. Hotch had beaten him so badly that his face was unrecognizable. That JJ had carried Jack out of the house and that she made him close his eyes so he wouldn't see the mess in the house.

"Where's mommy?" asked Jack. JJ couldn't answer the child and she blinked back tears. They went over to the SUV and sat with Jack. Spencer let Jack play with his cane, he liked the bird head handle.

"This is cool. Is my mommy ok, daddy said George was a bad guy." JJ had to walk away, she couldn't sit there anymore and look at a child that would no longer have his mother. Spencer watched her walk away and he could see the sobs overtake her.

"You know that your mommy and daddy love you very much. And that no matter where they go they will always love you."

"Of course silly...where is she?" Spencer sat Jack on his lap and recalled how Haley and Hotch had brought him in a few weeks after he was born. _He's cute if you like baldness and wrinkles._

"You're daddy is with her and he's...he's thanking her for helping him get the bad guy."

"Mommy helped with the case!" said Jack sounding excited.

"Yeah...she helped him a lot, he couldn't have done it without you guys helping him." Jack went back to playing with the cane. When he asked for Haley again, Spencer started distracting him with magic tricks, he pulled a quarter out of Jack's ear and than one out his own.

"Guess we should both wash our ears better huh?" Jack laughed and than he saw Hotch coming out of the house and pushing the medics away. Jack got off his lap and ran full tilt at his father.

"Daddy!" Hotch picked him up and held the young boy close to him. Jack pointed back at him. "He made money come out of my ear and he said Mommy helped you get the bad guy." Spencer froze, he had no idea what to tell Jack and Haley's final act had been to help catch The Bad Guy.

"Yeah, she did Jack. Mom kicked his butt," said Hotch trying not to cry.

"Where is she?" Hotch kissed his son on the forehead.

"Mommy is very tired after all the butt kicking and she's...she's sleeping right now ok...but she's sleeping with grandma in heaven. That's where all the mommies go after they beat the bad guy...ok..." Spencer watched Hotch fight back tears as Jack looked confused.

"Heaven...why did she go there?" Spencer couldn't watch anymore and he went back into the SUV, shut the door and fought back tears. _I'm so sorry Jack...god I'm so sorry Haley._

…...

The next few days went by in a blur for everyone. The BAU team had to undergo an interrogation with Chief Strauss about their actions with Foyet. Spencer wouldn't talk about what had been said other than they had all been cleared and that Haley's funeral was in three days. The day of the funeral started in a downpour, but it later stopped and the sun came out and it was so beautiful it was almost unfair. They were all standing behind Hotch and he was giving his final eulogy to Haley and she didn't ask Spencer to sign it for her. She didn't want to bother him with that right now, plus based on the looks on everyone's face it was bringing everyone to tears. Spencer's grip was getting tighter on her hand, she leaned against him and tried to blink back her own tears. She looked over at Jack Hotchner and the poor child looked confused and sad. _You poor sweet kid. _Out of the corner of her eye she saw Spencer looking down at her. Over the last couple of days she would catch him looking at her and the expression on his face was so sad and lost that it made her want to cry.

Spencer couldn't let her hand go. He knew that his grip was most likely hurting her, but he couldn't stand the thought of letting her hand go._ If I let go of her hand, I'm going to lose her,_ it was an irrational thought and he knew that. But, he couldn't let go of her hand and he couldn't stop the train of thoughts in his head. _We couldn't save Haley and now Jack doesn't have a mother._ He looked down at Catherine, she was resting her head against his arm and was trying to blink back her own tears. _If I were to lose you like this, they might as well just bury me with you because I wouldn't have a reason to live anymore._ His grip got even tighter and she squeezed back lightly.

"W.S. Gilbert wrote, "It's love that makes the world go 'round." And if that's true, then the world spun a little faster with Haley in it. Haley was my best friend since we were high school and while we had our struggles, but if there is one thing we agreed on it was our love and commitment for our son Jack," said Hotch barely keeping it together. Despite their bitter and quick divorce, he had a feeling that Hotch still cared for much for Haley and tried everything he could to make her happy Spencer also had a feeling that it not for Jack being here, they would most likely also be burying Hotch today. Spencer saw the little boy standing with Haley's sister looking confused and out of place.

"Haley's death causes each of us to stop and take stock of our lives. To measure who we are and what we have become. I don't have all those answers for myself, but I know who Haley was. She was the women who died protecting the child we brought into this world."

He saw that Catherine's gaze was also on Jack and not at the coffin in front of her. He realized that with Hotch's back to them she had no idea what was being said anyway. She hadn't asked to move to see if she could lip read what Hotch was saying and she hadn't asked him to sign what was being said at any time during the service. Even if she had asked him it would mean letting go of her hand and he couldn't let go.

"Oh dry the glistening tear. That dews thy marshal's cheek. Thy loving children here and in them my comfort seek. With sympathetic care, there arms around thy creep because they can not bear to see thy father weep," said Hotch. Flowers were being placed on the casket for Haley.

"Spencer," said Catherine quietly. "I'll be right back." Someone had handed her a flower and she had to go place it on the coffin. She placed her other hand over his and made him let go slowly.

"Ok," he said. Catherine followed behind JJ and Emily placing their roses. Hotch was accepting condolences from Morgan and Will. Spencer had no idea what to say, _I'm sorry...how does I'm sorry make any of this any better?_ He felt Catherine's hand back in his and they made their way to Hotch.

"Spencer...Catherine. Thank you for coming," said Hotch.

"We're very sorry for your and Jack's loss," said Catherine softly. Hotch thanked them again and they made their way to the car. Catherine was driving since it still hurt his knee to drive. They got into the car and waited for others to start leaving.

"Why didn't ask for anyone to interpret for you today?" asked Spencer. Catherine saw the other cars pulling out and started following them.

"Just because I can't hear what's going on, doesn't mean I can't listen to it," said Catherine. "It's not hard to understand what is going on and to see how hurt everyone is." They drove back towards DC for the wake. Spencer kept looking over at her when he thought she wasn't looking.

"Why do you keep looking at me like that?" asked Catherine. It was that look that made her want to cry and she couldn't understand why he kept looking at her like that.

"Like what?" asked Spencer. They parked the car and Catherine looked over at him.

"Like you are never going to see me again," she said. Spencer just shook his head, he couldn't tell her the truth. That he and the others had heard Haley's final words and they had been powerless to stop her murder. That he woke up at night terrified that one day it would her on that phone and that he wouldn't be able to save her. He couldn't stop looking at her, even with an eidetic memory he was worried that someday he would lose her and he would forget how she looked.

Catherine watched the look of his face just go blank, but his eyes were hiding something from her. _Fear._ She reached over and took his hand again. His grip was painful, but she said nothing.

"I love you and it's going to be ok," said Catherine. Spencer didn't say anything, he just picked up his cane and got out of the car. Catherine sighed, he was doing that thing were he bottled everything up. She had a feeling that it was going to be one of those times were he buried it and he would only end up hurting himself. She picked up her purse and followed Spencer into the hall. _Oh honey..._

…...

Catherine had always found funeral food odd, when her grandmother had died everyone in the neighborhood brought them cold cuts, bread, cake and punch. She had no appetite at the time, however her dad and the people who came to the wake chowed down on everything. She saw that Hotch hadn't touched anything and the same went for Haley's sister. However, they made sure that Jack and all the kids were fed. Catherine picked at her own sandwich along with everyone else at the table. She was tempted to ask Spencer why they had food at funerals just to get one of his rambles going, but she had a feeling that people wouldn't understand. She was worried about them and she would give anything to help them through this. She saw that Will and Kevin were in the same boat as her, they were outsiders on this. They felt horrible, but had no clue how to help their loved ones get through this.

"You know at my daddy's funeral someone brought shrimp gumbo and donuts. Said it was tradition," said Will sipping his drink.

"I think we lived on cold cuts and casseroles after my dad died," said Morgan.

"Cake. Everyone brought cake to the house. I was so sick of cake after grandma died," said Catherine. Spencer was helping her keep up with the conversation by signing in case she got lost, but she was getting better at keeping up with everyone and was starting to feel more comfortable talking with them.

"I don't remember cake," said Spencer.

"That's because dad and the other old people ate all the cake," said Catherine. He had been at the funeral to offer his support for Catherine and her father. His mother had been too depressed to go, Maggie had been her best friend and the fact that she was gone just hurt. It was one of the first funerals he could remember going too. He found Catherine sitting outside on a very old swing set away from the rest of the mourners. He remembered offering her a sandwich and her refusing to eat anything. He sat down next to her and felt the swing creak under his weight and they sat there for a long time. He remembered reaching over and awkwardly trying to comfort her when she started crying about how much she missed her grandmother.

They watched Rossi and Hotch head outside and Emily watched the two of them head outside and she turned back to the table looking sadder than before.

"What are we supposed to do?" asked Emily

"There is nothing we can do," said Morgan.

"Do you think he'll ever come back?" asked Spencer.

"Would you?" asked JJ. Spencer didn't answer, he knew he wouldn't be able to if it was Catherine they buried.

"He'll be back. I just don't know what he'll look like when he does," said Morgan.

"We just need to be there for him when he's ready," said JJ

"This just sucks on so many levels," said Garcia. Catherine nudged Spencer, she had gotten lost after Emily spoke and asked if he could fill her in. He quickly summed it up for her and she was about to ask him something when she felt his phone vibrate in his jacket pocket. The jacket was on her chair and judging my the looks on everyone's face all their phones had gone off.

"They can't be calling us in, not tonight," said Morgan taking out his phone.

"I'm on it," said JJ looking pissed.

"We can't go," spat Emily. Catherine was lost again, but it was clear that they didn't want to go in and why should they. _Damn can't they get a second to mourn._ Catherine watched Morgan throw his napkin on the table and head outside and Emily down the rest of her wine.

"Talk to Strauss and have her send another team," said Spencer. He reached under the table and his vice like grip was back on her hand. JJ shook her head in defeat looking at the phone. It was clear they were going.

"Can you drop me off?" asked Spencer. Catherine nodded and the team gave one last look at Hotch before leaving. They all headed outside and starting trying to find their cars.

"Cat," Will reached over and touched her shoulder. "Kevin and I were thinking about heading over to Hotch's old house in the morning to see if he could use any help with packing up. It's not much, but it's something. You wanna come with us?" he asked signing.

"Sure, what time?" asked Catherine signing back. They made the arrangements to meet up in the morning and they each got into their cars and started the drive to the BAU. Spencer was relieved that he had left a bag of clothes at the BAU, he thought if he had to go home he wouldn't be able to leave. Catherine parked the car outside the BAU and looked over at him.

"I love you and stay safe," she told him. Spencer just reached over and hugged her. He placed a quick kiss on her forehead and got out the car before he started crying.

…...

Catherine was sitting next to Kevin in the backseat of Will's car and he was sipping his coffee.

"This just really sucks," he said.

"Doesn't matter how old you are losing someone you love just sucks," said Will and Kevin signed it to her since she couldn't read his lips from the back seat.

"We just need to be there and try to help them out," said Catherine.

"Penny has done nothing but cry for almost a week," said/signed Kevin.

"Same for JJ."

"Spencer has just being holding it in and I'm waiting for the out burst," said Catherine. They pulled into the drive way and saw a small moving van, a Goodwill truck and two other cars in the street.

"Let's do this," said Kevin. They got out of the car and Will knocked on the door. It was opened by Haley's sister, Jessica and she looked slightly relieved.

"You here to help with the move?" she asked.

"Yes, ma'am. I'm Will, this is Kevin and Cat." She took them into the house and was talking over her shoulder at them. Kevin was giving her a running commentary about what needed to be done-they still had boxes that needed to be taken out and they were labeled to which truck they belonged in. So if they could take boxes out that would be helpful. Also the attic needed to be looked at, but the ceiling was low so they were trying to figure out who could go up there.

"Well, Catherine is pretty tiny so we can get her up there," said/signed Will and Jessica looked confused.

"I'm Deaf," said Catherine. Jessica looked embarrassed and Catherine shook her head. "It's ok. How do I get up there?" Jessica motioned for them to follow her and she took them upstairs and pulled down a ladder.

"She's says be careful that the ceiling is low and she has no clue what is up there," signed Kevin. Catherine got up the ladder and stood up careful. The top of her head brushed the ceiling and she found a cord for the single light bulb. The attic wasn't too clustered, but it was dusty and she sneezed. She figured if would be easier to hand the smaller boxes down first and than make one of the guys get up here for the really big boxes. The smaller ones were just baby toys, clothes, and blankets. _Did they want more kids, is that why she saved this stuff?_ Catherine wiped her eyes and blamed it on the dust.

She found a few more boxes with just odds and ends, Christmas and Halloween decorations. She moved further in and pulled another box off a pile and felt her heart sort of break, it was Haley's wedding dress. She couldn't see much through the window of the box other than the white bodice that had crystals on it. She wondered if her mother had saved her wedding dress after she and her father ended things. _They were happy once. _She remembered the night they all went out to that Super Bowl party and looking over her shoulder to see Hotch and Haley dancing. She must have been out of it for awhile because she felt a hand on her shoulder. She almost jumped and she turned to see Hotch ducked down next to her.

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean too..."started Catherine.

"It's ok," signed Hotch. He looked down at the box and he sort of grinned. "Haley was very determined that I not see her in wedding dress before we got married, she actually got a decoy dress from a friend of ours in case I started snooping." Catherine grinned and wiped her eyes.

"Dust," she said. "It meant a lot to her, she kept it. Do you want it?" Hotch stared at it and shook his head.

"Jessica might want it though. I'll ask her." Catherine watched Hotch half walk and half crawl away and called down to Jessica. He turned back to her and motioned that she should hand him the box. Catherine picked up the box and handed to Hotch. He took it and held onto for a few seconds before handing it down the ladder. He came back to her and started helping her move some of the heavy things: an old crib, a dresser and some heavy boxes of old books.

"Reid might like some of those, it's some old textbooks and some other books," signed Hotch. He took the box down and the attic was empty. They stood there for a moment looking around to make sure everything was gone.

"Thank you very much for doing this, it really means a lot," signed Hotch.

"You're welcome." The stood there for another moment before Catherine spoke again. "I'm really sorry about everything. I know by now you're probably tired of hearing that, but I really am sorry." Hotch nodded.

"I'm just relieved to have the help for me and Jack." Hotch went down the ladder and than made sure Catherine got down alright. Her black workout pants and her shirt were covered in dust.

"Wow you look like an oversized dust bunny," teased Kevin coming up the stairs. Jack was behind Kevin and he giggled.

"That's not a bunny." Catherine wiggled her nose and Jack and he giggled again.

"Have any carrots?" asked Catherine. Jack shook his head no and went up to his father.

"Daddy looks dirty too."

"I was playing with the dust bunnies in the attic. You got all your toys packed?"

"Yup. Come on, lets see if we can find the dust bunny queen a carrot," said/signed Hotch. They all went downstairs and the house was totally empty now. Will looked at her and just grinned.

"All hail the dust bunny queen." Hotch thanked them for their time and Kevin put the box of books in the backseat with her. They watched Hotch locked up the house and together with Jessica they put Jack in the backseat. They watched Jessica get in the car and saw Hotch looking up at the house before getting into the car and driving away.

"Sorry about getting your backseat all dusty," said Catherine. Will shrugged it off and Kevin said he was going to make her a Facebook icon that was bunny covered in dust wearing a crown.

Catherine laughed, they took her home and helped her lug the box upstairs. She started looking through the books when it dawned on her how good Hotch's signing had gotten lately. They didn't socialize much outside of a few functions, so she wondered when and why he got better at sign and who was the teacher.

…...

JJ called and wished Henry and Will goodnight and found she couldn't sleep. She was worried about her family back home and she was worried about her family here. They were working on the case and she could see each of them struggling in their own way. Emily seemed pissed off, Morgan was just driven, Rossi was well just Rossi and Reid, well she was worried about him the most. He wasn't saying much of anything and that was never a good sign. She watched him at the funeral and saw how he was with Catherine. It was like he was scared to let her out of his sight for a second. JJ had a feeling he wasn't sleeping either so she decided to check on him. She went down the hall to his room and knocked on Reid's door. Reid opened the door and he had undone his tie and had his shoes off.

"Come in," he opened the door wider for her and she came in. He shut the door and he offered her a cup of tea.

"No thanks." she sat down and he sat down across from her with his cup of tea.

"I just don't wanna talk about it right now JJ," he said it so quietly she almost missed it.

"Spence, I know that we're all blaming ourselves right now..."

"I wouldn't come back," said Spencer. JJ looked at him confused. "You asked if I would come back and if it was Catherine that we buried. I wouldn't be able to come back."

"If it was Will and Jack I don't think I could come back either," said JJ.

"I don't think...I know. If what happened to Haley, happened to Catherine I couldn't do this anymore. I would just...I couldn't," said Spencer. JJ went over and hugged him, Spencer hugged her back and they said nothing for a long time.

"I know how much you care about her Spencer and how terrifying the thought of losing her must be to you...why do think I won't set a date with Will? It's because once I do it means that it's real and that it's something that I could lose and never get back. I love Will and I love Henry and the thought of losing them kills a part of me inside."

"I thought I was ready to ask her and yet now every time I want to ask her I just freeze up and panic. I just don't know anymore."

"Just talk to her Spence. Shutting her out isn't going to do any good. It just hurts both of you alright. Promise you'll talk to her once were home," said JJ.

"Ok." They talked a little bit about the case and than JJ said she was tired and was going to bed. Spencer sent Catherine a text asking her how the moving went.

_I have a new title-The Queen of the Dust Bunnies. _For the first time in days Spencer smiled.

…...

Catherine woke up around two am and felt the void in the bed. Spencer had said he was supposed to be home tonight or in the early morning. He was either wasn't home or he wasn't sleeping again. She got up and noticed a light on in the living room. _Behind door number two,_ she thought and she got out of bed. She walked quietly so in case he was sleeping she wouldn't wake him up. She saw him sitting on the sofa and she noticed him holding a small black box in his hands. He was turning it over in his hands and she saw that he was slumped over and she noticed how tense he was.

"Spencer," she said gently and he almost jumped out of his skin and hastily shoved the box into the sofa. _Too late__. _Catherine sat down next to him and she looked at him, the circles under his eyes were darker than normally and she couldn't remember the last time she had seen him eat.

"Can we talk?" asked Spencer.

"You never have to ask if we can talk. You just have to talk," she signed. Spencer shook his head, he should have known that would be her answer.

"I keep looking at you like 'that' because one day I'm scared that I'm going to wake up and you're not going to be here anymore. That I'll wake up and never seen you again and that I'll forget what you'll look like. That one day it's going to be you that I won't be able to save you. I'm scared...this...what we have it scares me in ways I don't understand and I used to be ok with that, but after seeing what happened to Haley. I don't know...I don't know if I'm supposed to be _here__._" signed Spencer and his hands were shaking.

"Here...do you mean here with me? In this relationship?" He nodded, he wouldn't look at her and Catherine felt a numb sense of panic take hold.

"I'm terrified Catherine. I'm so scared of losing you and I don't know how I would even be able to cope if I lost you the way Hotch lost Haley. It hurts...the thought of losing you physically hurts and I don't know how to deal with it." The numb sense of panic increased.

"Do you...do you want take a break?" she asked out loud.

"A break?" asked Spencer.

"It sounds like you want to step away from this and me...and I just want to know if its for a little while or for a long while." she looked ready to cry and he hated himself for making her cry. He hadn't even considered the option of stepping away. "If you need a break I'll understand...just tell me that it's not because you don't love me anymore." Catherine looked away and was trying not to cry. Spencer reached over and touched her shoulder. She looked at him and saw that he was crying too.

"I don't want to take a break. I just don't know how to deal with the idea of losing you, that I won't be able to keep you safe. That's what I'm scared of...that I'm going to lose you in the worst way possible and it would be my fault."

"What happened to Haley wasn't your fault or Hotch's or anyone else for matter. They only person to blame is The Reaper and he's gone. That horrible excuse for a human being killed her and took her away from her son, not any of you."

"It's just not right that she's gone." He couldn't stop crying and they sat there crying together for what felt like hours. When he was finished his throat hurt and his eyes itched, Catherine got them both a large glass of water and some headache medicine. Spencer took the pills and chugged half the water.

"What's in the box?" asked Catherine. Spencer looked at her surprised. "I saw you shove it in the sofa." Spencer reached into the sofa and took the box out. It didn't take a rocket science to figure out what was in that box. Spencer went to open it and Catherine stopped him.

"I want it to be a surprise. I don't wanna see it until you ask me...unless you wanna ask me now." Spencer sat the box on the table and sighed.

"I thought I was ready to ask you. I really did, but now I just can't. I love you and I wanna stay with you, but I can't ask you to marry me right now." Catherine nodded. "Please don't be mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you." She straddled him and looked him in the eyes. "I just want you know that if and when you decided to ask me the odds of me saying yes are really good. I just want you to be ok." She leaned over and kissed him slowly. Spencer kissed her back and let his hands settle on her waist. He couldn't remember the last time he had kissed her and how wonderful she tasted. Catherine took his hands off her waist.

"Hands to yourself." she muttered. She went back to kissing him and she ran her hands through his hair. She fisted his hair in her hands pulled him in for more, he had no control over the depth of the kiss and he felt her tongue on his lips and into his mouth. She started to move against him and Spencer went to put her hands back on her waist and she broke the kiss and took his hands off her.

"I told you, hands to yourself. You touch me again and this stops," she said in a tone that meant she was serious. Spencer put his hands to his side and nodded. Catherine went back to kissing him and he moaned in her mouth. He closed his eyes and felt Catherine's hands on his chest. She was unbuttoning his shirt and pushing it off him. She broke the kiss and started kissing her way down his neck and to his chest. Catherine felt his heart pounding in his chest and she could see his hands just clenching and unclenching.

"Please...please let me touch you," he begged. She looked at him and just grinned. He just wanted his hands all over her, he just needed her so badly.

"Do you think you'll be able to forget me now?" she whispered in his ear, he felt her hands on his waist and she was undoing his pants.

"God no," he muttered when he felt her hand on his member. "Damn it Catherine," he whined when she started stroking him slowly.

"Tell me you won't forget me."

"I won't...I won't..." She just leaned against him and continued to stroke him. "Please." he whined. She kissed him on the forehead and got off him.

"Just come to bed Spencer." She walked down the hall slowly and when she got halfway down the hall she felt Spencer's hands on her waist and was kissing her neck. He made her turn around and look at him.

"You won't forget me?" he asked. She kissed him.

"No." She took his hand and took him into their bedroom.

…...

"You're really ok with me not asking you right now?" asked Spencer when they got up later and they were eating breakfast.

"I sort of had a feeling that you were going to ask," signed Catherine. Spencer gave her a look and Catherine grinned.

"When you suggested going away for weekend I sort of had an idea that you had something planned."

"I did...nothing big or anything but," Catherine just shook her head.

"I had the big proposal once and looking back on it I really think part of the reason I said yes was the pressure of it being a big deal. I don't want or need anything really big...I'm just kind of happy that you even wanna ask me." Her eyes went to the box on the table and Spencer picked it up.

"Are you sure that you don't wanna see it?" he asked holding the box out to here. She shook her head no.

"I shouldn't see it until you're ready to ask me." Spencer put the ring into his shoulder bag.

"I'm sorry that ...that I can't right now," signed Spencer.

"I'm happy with how we are, but I wouldn't say no if you asked. We've already been through more things than most married people. Spencer...it's a piece of paper and it shouldn't change how you feel about me. If you care about me this much now than it should carry over whenever you're ready to ask." Catherine got up and went to get more coffee and Spencer finished the last sips of his. Would it change how he felt about her it she was his wife rather than his girlfriend? _I don't think it's possible to love you anymore than I do now._

For you see, each day I love you more  
>Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.<br>~Rosemonde Gerard

Ep's used-100 and The Slave of Duty.


	40. Chapter two part fifteen

Chapter two part fifteen

The kaleidoscope of colour which is my life, shows the interesting choices I've made along the way. Antie Koekie

"Wow your girlfriend actually let you come out to play," teased Eric setting up the board for another game

"Actually she's one of the reasons I came back here," said Spencer handing him some pieces.

"Oh you have a real girlfriend...I was kidding," said Eric studying the board. Spencer sipped his coffee and enjoyed the winter sunshine. Catherine had insisted that he come back here after the last time they were at the park and had been stopped by several people he used to play chess with. They all wanted to know what he had been up to since they haven't seen him in months. They looked over at Catherine and just shook their heads as if she were keeping him away. They headed home and Catherine sighed.

"Go play with your friends please. I think they miss you."

"They miss me beating them?" Catherine gave him a look.

"I don't think Gideon would have wanted you to stop playing. I think you miss playing." A part of him did miss playing, but considering his job was one giant chess game the non life threatening version lacked a certain thrill. However sitting here playing with Eric he realized that he had missed this more than he realized. It was therapeutic in a way to sit here and play a game where if he lost no one really got hurt.

"Checkmate," said Eric. "You got rusty old man."

"Old. I'm three years older than you," said Spencer and they reset the board. Eric grinned.

"Yeah it's still three years I don't have. So when you weren't playing through variations of the game what were you up to?"

"Work...the girlfriend experience," said Spencer.

"She any good?"

"Not at chess."

"What is she good at?"

"Putting up with me."

"Yeah that would be a full time job." teased Eric. They started playing another game, Catherine had been asked to go speak at her high school about her trips overseas and she was visiting her father while she was there. She would only be gone a few days and he found himself missing her. He wondered how she handled him going away all the time. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and after he put Eric into checkmate he checked his messages.

_Stuck in wedding planning Hades...my dad is scaring me. _Spencer grinned, Andrew had asked Erin to marry him and a spring

wedding was in the works. Spencer had a feeling that while Catherine was visiting she was being pulled into all the pre planning activities her dad could drag her into.

"Is the girlfriend calling you home?" asked Eric. _I wish._

…...

"Dad," said Catherine with a hint of warning in her voice.

"Oh come on honey we're already here. Just try one dress on," said Andrew smiling. They were at a bridal salon looking at bridesmaid dresses when he saw another girl trying on wedding dresses.

"This is for you and Erin, not for me," signed Catherine looking at the dresses on the rack. Erin had asked Catherine to pick the style and color she wanted, order it and than have it sent back to her in DC. Erin had picked decent colors, red and black. Catherine planned on ordering a black dress so she could wear it again somewhere.

Just humor me this one time. Since I didn't get to see you in a wedding dress the first time and I have a feeling that I might not get to a second time if Spencer has it his way," signed Andrew.

"Dad...we're not going to elope and we're engaged to be engaged so just cool your heels. You will get to see me in the white dress in time and the whole nine yards. Even if I'm not a big fan of it," signed Catherine looking through the racks.

"Why are you so against the traditional wedding stuff?" asked Andrew.

"I'm not against it, I just don't like all the fuss you know."

"You never did like being the center of attention. I had to force you to go to your own college graduation party remember?"

"Oh yes I do," signed Catherine. It was the night that Paul purposed to her in front of everyone and she was so happy and taken back by it that she didn't really think twice and she just said yes. Had it just been them alone she might have taken a second to step back and really think about it. It wasn't until she stepped outside to get some air and Spencer came outside to talk to her and voiced his own misgivings and feelings that she started to have her own second thoughts. However, she was so mad at him for dumping everything on her all at once she begged Paul after the party to just elope that night.

"This is a nice one," said Andrew pulling a dress from the racks, it was cut just below the knee and was strapless."

"Good eye old man," said Catherine taking the dress and heading into the dress room. It fit ok and wasn't too reveling. It could easily be worn with a jacket so she could wear it school and to meetings. She hung the dress up, got re-dressed and left the dressing room. She saw her father looking through the stacks of wedding dresses talking with a clerk. She loved her father dearly however she debating if she could get away with justifiable homicide.

"Dad I'm ready to go," called Catherine. He was holding up a long white dress covered in crystals.

"Just one dress," he signed. Catherine rolled her eyes and went to order her dress. They took her measurements and filled out the form.

"I'm sorry we don't have this in black we only have it in red or gray" said the clerk and her father signed to her.

"Oh...well do you have a dress similar to this one?" asked Catherine.

"Just get it in red," he told her.

"I don't look good in red."

"Order it in red or try on a wedding dress." Catherine realized that she might be able to kill her father, but moving the body would be difficult. She ordered the dress in red and they left the shop. Her father shook his head.

"I love you dearly, but you can be the most stubborn person I know," signed her father. Catherine just grinned and they went to lunch.

"I swear if that clueless boy sees you in that dress and still won't ask you to marry can I smack him upside his genius head?"

"He'll ask me when he's ready. I'm not going to force him." Andrew shook his head.

"The way you children drag your feet in this relationship puzzles me to this day." Catherine took her father's hand and shrugged.

"If I told you we loved each other very much would that make you happy."

"I already knew that."

…...

Spencer watched Catherine come in the door and just drop her bags like she was just exhausted.

"Either the lecture went horribly wrong or your dad drove you to a near psychological break down." Spencer studied her. "Your dad was projecting his wedding planning onto you." Catherine rolled her eyes and made strangling motions.

"I regret promising that we wouldn't elope. It's January and if he keeps this up until June we're going to elope to an island somewhere in the South Pacific and it's going to be awesome," she signed annoyed.

"You know that New Zeland offers Lord of the Rings themed weddings." Catherine gave him a look.

"If you want The One Ring as your wedding band that is fine. I draw the line at wearing pointy ears and getting married by Bilbo Baggins," signed Catherine.

"You don't have to wear pointy ears and it's Lord Elrond." Catherine laughed and sat down next to him.

"You are the most adorkable man I have ever met. The only upside to all the wedding planning was all the free cake. If you ever want to go somewhere and get some free cake, just say you're getting married and want a taste test. In two days I had cake from seven different bakeries, I'm surprised that I didn't go into sugar shock from all the cake."

"Before the traditional wedding cake a groom would break a loaf of bread over the bride's head as a symbol of his dominance in the marriage and over his wife. The origin of the tiered wedding cake goes back to when guests would bring small cakes to the wedding and than stack them on top of each other and the couple would have to kiss around the cakes without knocking them over." Catherine gave him another look that was between amusement and annoyance.

"You are not breaking bread over my head."

"You never let me have any fun," signed Spencer. Catherine just kissed the top of his head. She got up and went to throw her clothes in the wash and Spencer followed her, he had a feeling that her father might have made some comments about weddings and marriages that got under her skin. She was sorting the whites from darks when he came up behind her and hugged her. Catherine turned around and looked at him.

"Did your dad say something about us?" Catherine looked at him puzzled. "Did he say something about us and getting married. You just seem really stressed out and annoyed." Catherine just shrugged. It wasn't just her dad, it was at the dress shop, it was when they went to test cake with Erin, it was the teasing when she was having dinner with her father and his friends. It was how they all just assumed she was the one getting married and when she told them she wasn't they either said they were sorry or it was some other off handed comment about when was she planning on getting married. _Damn Profiler. Why couldn't I get a cute guy who was clueless?_

"I'm just tried and jet lagged. I just want dinner, a really hot shower and a cup of sleepy time tea." Spencer bent down and hugged her, she clearly had been badgered about the status of their relationship for almost two days non stop and he had feeling having a wedding shoved down her throat wasn't on anyone's list of enjoyable activities.

"I can arrange for the dinner and tea while you take your shower." Catherine hugged him.

"Thank you." She went to pick up the clothes and Spencer stopped her.

"I'll take care of that, go take your shower," he signed. She just shook her head and went into the bathroom. Spencer picked up the clothes, threw them into the wash and started re heating some lasagna for dinner. _For the love of god you idiot just ask her already. _Spencer put the kettle on, leaned against the counter and thought. He wanted to ask her, he really did every time he worked up the nerve he would just freeze up and he just couldn't spit it out. Spencer heard the shower stop and the kettle start to whistle. He made her tea and plated dinner for both of them. Catherine came into the kitchen, her hair still wet and dressed in a pair of flannel pants and his MIT hoodie.

"That's my hoodie," signed Spencer.

"And it is so cozy," signed Catherine. Spencer handed her a plate and they went and sat down together to eat. Spencer leaned over and touched her hair.

"I really missed you," he signed. She smiled at him and sipped her tea. "You feel better now."

"Much better." They finished dinner and they settled in to watch a movie together. She leaned against him and he felt her drift off to sleep. He brushed her hair back and kissed her forehead. He just wanted a sign, proof that he was supposed to go through with asking her, that it was the right thing to do. _Just something. _

…...

The sign, the proof came in February when they were called into to work the case of Aimee Lynch, an eight year old girl who had been kidnapped from a Winter Festival. While working the case, a woman who Spencer only knew in passing as Sarah Hillridge. She came into the BAU every time a child around eight years old went missing in the DC/Virginia area. Her son Charlie had been kidnapped eight years ago and she swore the same people who took Aimee also took her son. This time though, she was right. It led them to uncovering a couple who had been kidnapping children for almost a decade using the same ruse. Now after three near sleepless nights they were bring the surviving children home and they found the remains of the others. They could bring the families closure. Spencer was walking down the hall with Sarah, she was going to see her son for the first time in eight years and she was shaking.

"How are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm terrified. I've waited eight years for this and what if he doesn't know me. How long have you been doing this Dr. Reid?"

"Five years, seven months and nineteen days."

"In your experience what normally happens..." Spencer cut her off, she was worried that her son had become just as evil as the people who had taken him and he need to let her know that was not the case.

"Charlie was eight when he was taken, which means developmentally he was in middle childhood. He had a stronger sense of right and wrong and a growing understanding of his place in the world. Mentally he had the ability to talk about his thoughts and feelings, while having less focus on himself and more concern for others."

"So you think he's going to be ok?"

"With a mother like you, who did all this...I do. I'm a doctor. I put my faith in facts and statistical probability, but today...eight parents are going to have closure and three children are going to go home with there families. Because you believed your son was alive. That's as close to a miracle as I've ever seen.

"Thank you," she said. Spencer walked away to let her see her son alone for the first time in eight years. He felt his phone ring and it was Catherine texting him.

_You need me to bring you anything? _He had been almost sleeping here other than her bring him a change of clothes and coffee they hadn't seen each other in two days. Gideon had told him to not give up on the belief in happy endings and he was watching one right now in the bullpen as Aimee was being reunited with her parents.

Spencer sat down at his desk and shook his head, he who was always insisting on proof and facts and statistics was watching something unfold in front of him that statistically shouldn't be happening right now. They hadn't been able to save all the children, but at least their families had answers. He watched an older girl and her family hug for the first time in years. It was the proof that not everything had to end badly that it might never be prefect, but it could be happy.

_Can you meet me here at the BAU? _

_Sure, what do you need?_

_ I just need you to meet me here. _

_ Ok. _Spencer watched the families leave with their children or with an agent to talk about identifying the cremated remains. It took Catherine about an hour to get there, but in that time Spencer had made up his mind and he wasn't changing it. The pen had emptied out, everyone had gone home after working non stop for three days.

"Hey sorry it took so long. It started snowing and the train was delayed," signed Catherine. Spencer had to force himself to breath.

"Actually I owe you an apology," signed Spencer.

"For what?"

"Because I should have done this a very long time ago and it wasn't fair to make you wait on me after everything we've been through together." It hurt a little to get down on his knee, but damn it he was doing this one thing right.

"Oh my god," said Catherine. Spencer pulled out the ring box and opened it.

"Catherine Mary Dueringer will you marry me?" The look on her face was shock that went into tears of happiness, she had the biggest smile on her.

"Yes." Spencer had barely stood up and Catherine was hugging him.

"REALLY! IN THE BULL PEN!" Spencer looked over to his right and nudged Catherine to look over. Coming out of the conference room was Garcia, JJ, and Emily. JJ and Emily were grinning, but Garcia looked ready to murder him while coming down the stairs, yelling and signing wildly.

"You have had that ring since May and this is the best proposal you could come up? I could have gotten you into the nicest restaurant in town, had a string quartet and fireworks set up with a few keystrokes from my command center. But...no...I left it up to the Doctor to do and this...you ask her here? Really? If I wasn't so totally happy for you two right now I would just beat the snot out of you Reid. You couldn't even wait till tomorrow and do it?" asked Garcia.

"What's tomorrow?" asked Spencer.

"Valentine's day," called the three other women.

"Not to sound needy, but can he please put my ring on?" asked Catherine.

"Put the ring on you idiot," cried Garcia.

"I was about too and than I was getting yelled at," said Spencer. He took the ring out of the box and both their hands were shaking as he put it on.

"We leave for ten minutes and all hell breaks loose," said Rossi. He was walking back in with Morgan and Hotch

"Say hello to the future Mrs. Reid," said Emily.

"Here...you asked her here?" said Morgan shaking his head.

"I asked my second wife to marry me at a drive thru window," said Rossi grinning. "Congratulations."

"Thank you," said Catherine.

"Ok. I don't know about you guys but I think we should carry this celebration somewhere else," said JJ.

"Yes somewhere with booze," said Emily.

"I'll call Jessica to see if she can sit with Jack a little longer," said Hotch heading up to his office to make the call. JJ went to call Will to say that she was going to home a little late. Catherine touched the desk and grinned.

"You know that we reunited here almost five years ago." _She saw him sitting there so focused on what he was doing that he didn't even notice she was there. She grinned, she had missed him so much. Three years was far too long._

"So this place has some romantic significance to you?" asked Spencer wondering if he had made some sort of mistake asking her here.

"I guess you could say that," signed Catherine and she hugged him again.

…...

"I swear to god Kevin if you ask me at work I will ruin you," said Garcia.

"I will add that to the list of things I am not allowed to do in the event of asking you to marry me," said Kevin pounding his drink and asking for another one.

"I just can't believe you asked her right in the bull pen," said Morgan shaking his head.

"At least I have someone to ask," mocked Spencer. Catherine sipped her drink and giggled.

"Burn," said JJ.

"Oh just you wait Pretty Boy. When I find someone it's going to epic," said Morgan.

"On that day I'm gonna get out of my wheelchair and do a dance," teased Catherine. JJ snorted into her drink and Morgan just looked her.

"I used to like you," said Morgan. Everyone at the table started laughing. Emily and Hotch went to get more drinks. JJ decided to head home and so did Rossi.

"Congratulations," said/signed JJ leaving the bar. Garcia was rattling off what Kevin could and couldn't do when he asked her to marry him and Kevin shut her up by dragging her off to the dance floor so they could dance. A slower number started and Spencer nudged Catherine.

"Would you like to dance? I promise I won't step on your feet this time." Catherine nodded and she followed him to the dance floor. He was getting a little better at this. It was really more swaying in circle, but he didn't step on her feet.

_And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration/One good stretch before our hibernation/Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well. _

Catherine saw him looking down at her and she just grinned.

"So how was your day?" she asked.

"It was a very good day." He pulled her close and went back to swaying.

Love is not consolation. It is light. Friedrich Nietzsche

Notes-Reid would know about the orgin of wedding cake...I got it from Wikipedia. I have no idea if they offer Lord the Ring themed weddings, but I could see him being on board for that. Yes you can get The One Ring as a wedding ring, my husband almost did.

Ep's used-Mosley Lane

Song-Stolen by Dashboard Confessionals.


	41. Chapter two part sixteen

Chapter two part sixteen

Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live. Mignon McLaughlin,

Spencer was wearing his favorite pair of socks, one was solid purple and the other was green and purple stripped. Catherine was wearing the red bridesmaid dress from her father's wedding.

"These are for you." Spencer handed her a bunch of white tulips. He was nervous and he didn't really know why. _I've known her for over twenty some years and why should we really wait any longer?_

"Thank you." She was nervous too, her hands were shaking. He took one of her hands in his and she was smiling.

"Are you ready?" he asked.

"Yeah. Let's do this." They walked into the chapel together and asked the women at the front desk for a marriage licence.

_Five days ago._

"You told me it looked fine."

"It does."

"Hotch asked me if I joined a boy band."

"Guys from boy bands get all the hot girls chasing them," signed Catherine. Spencer had gotten a hair cut recently. It was shorter than normal and it sort of had that messy bed head look to it right now. Catherine had been shocked when he came home with it so short. When she asked why he simply shrugged and said he just wanted to change it up. It was cute, it made him look a little younger and it was geek chic. However, he had gotten a whole lot of teasing and mocking from everyone on the team about his hair cut.

"Morgan asked how much concert tickets were?" he signed annoyed. Catherine ran a hand through his hair and just smirked.

"Go pack your suitcase for tomorrow we have a flight to catch," she signed. Spencer gave her a look and went to go get his things around. Catherine's father was getting married this weekend and they were supposed to there by tomorrow afternoon. Spencer went into the bedroom and Catherine's suitcase and garment bag were on the bed. The garment bag was closed half way and on the hanger was her bridesmaid's dress. It was a bright red spaghetti dress with a black ribbon around the waist.

_Wow, _he could only imagine what she would look like in it and he wondered if that was even doing it justice. Catherine came into the bedroom and caught him looking at the dress. She shook her head and walked past him to close the bag up.

"Put your eyes back in your head," she signed.

"It's a nice dress," signed Spencer.

"I had to do some altering...I had them add the black ribbon and the straps. Dad made me order it."

"He made you?"

"It was either order this dress or try on a wedding dress when I was in Vegas last time," signed Catherine.

"So you ordered the dress." Catherine nodded and went to get some of her things from the bathroom.

Spencer started packing his bag and he found his mind drifting. _She really didn't wear a wedding dress when she and Paul got married, it was just a plain white sundress. I wonder how she __would look in a wedding dress? _They really hadn't talked about any serious wedding planning since the engagement had taken place. He was worried for a brief second that she would turn into one of those insane wedding planners, thankfully she hadn't pushed him about setting a date and so far the only wedding planning paraphernalia he had found in the apartment was a bridal magazine from Garcia and few bookmarked sites about sites in DC and in Vegas for weddings.

Catherine came out of the bathroom and starting putting her things in the suitcase.

"Why haven't you asked about setting a date?" asked Spencer. Catherine moved her suitcase off the bed and sat down.

"Because I figure nagging you is not going to make you want to do any serious planning. Beside it's a lot to figure out...do we have here or back in Vegas? Do we have it in a church or somewhere else...do we have to join a church if we wanna have it there? Can we have both events at the same place? Do we..." Spencer cut her off.

"Let's just elope," he signed and Catherine looked at him shocked. "We're going back to Vegas and there are over 120,000 performed a year and there are over hundreds of chapels. We only need to fill out the marriage license...why I'm telling you this you already know it." Catherine started laughing.

"I promised my dad I wouldn't do that again."

"We can have a private service this weekend and than have a reception later on."

"Garcia is going to kill us for cheating her out of the ceremony."

"I'm willing to risk it...if the planning is going to drive you crazy...let's just do it. We've been together seriously for over four years, we've known each other since...forever. Let's just do it. It's supposed to be about us anyway. We're the ones getting married." Catherine started twisting her engagement ring, it was her new nervous habit one that he was starting to get fond of. She leaned over and smiled at him.

"If my dad asks, this was all your idea."

"I'm willing to take all the blame. Let's just get married Catherine."

…...

Spencer signed the credit card receipt while Catherine filled out her half of the license. Spencer started filling out his half when his phone went off.

"Hello."

"Spencer Franklin Reid are you at Sunrise Flowers Wedding Chapel?" asked a very pissed off Garcia. He quickly hung up the phone and turned it off. Catherine looked at him grinning.

"Mom is very upset with us," he signed.

"Do you want to back out now?"

"No, she'll get over it." Spencer finished his half of the paperwork and handed everything back to the lady at the front desk.

"It's going to take about twenty minutes," she said and went into the back to file everything. Catherine felt her phone vibrate in her purse.

"Dare I even look at it?" Spencer reached into her bag and saw that she had a missed text from Garcia. He turned her phone off and put it back in her bag. Catherine took Spencer's hand and he started tapping his foot nervously and he felt Catherine's hand shaking in his.

"I love you," said Catherine.

They had waited until the day after Andrew and Erin were married, that way her dad had his own day. They had seen them off at the airport, her dad and Erin were on their way to Dublin. Catherine hugged her father and Erin. Together with her two new step sisters, her step brother and sister in law they wished them good luck. The step siblings caught flights home a few hours ago. Spencer and Catherine had grown up as only children so suddenly having siblings was a shock, but they were very nice and had even invited them to Ohio for the holidays. _Maybe having siblings wouldn't have been so bad._

The twenty minutes took forever to go by. Both of their hands where sweating and shaking by the time the clerk called them back to the chapel.

…...

"I'm going to kill him! When he gets back to Virginia, I am going to beat the 187 IQ right out of him," ranted Garcia coming into Morgan's office.

"What are you going on about mama?"

"He's getting married right now!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down and back up for everybody else."

"Someone using Reid's credit card just paid for a wedding service at the Sunrise Flowers Wedding Chapel. When I called him he anwsered and than hung up. That little sneaky geek is eloping right now." Morgan bit back a grin. _Oh Pretty boy you are in a heap of trouble._

"How do you know what Reid is doing with his credit card?" asked Morgan.

"I always tag your guys cards when you leave town so that way of anything happens there is a paper trail. Don't give me that look...identify theif is a serious problem." _Reason number 175 to never piss Garcia off._

"Ok baby girl just simmer down. I had a feeling he was going to do this."

"What? We're family, aren't weddings supposed to be family affairs?"

"It's a very public and stress filled event for two people who are very private baby girl. You really thought you were going to get Reid in tux doing the Funky Chicken?" Garcia sat down in a chair across from Morgan and frowned.

"I know...but still. I really wanted to be there for this." Morgan grinned.

"You have the number of the chapel?"

"Duh."

"Get everyone in here. We have a call to make."

…...

"Any special request? Did you write your own vows?" asked the clerk. He was a tall, white guy with close cropped gray hair.

"She's Deaf so we're going to be signing is that a problem?" asked Spencer.

"Nope, a yes is a yes in any language," said the clerk. They took their place in front of him and he went to start the service when the lady from the front desk came in.

"I have a call for a Dr. Spencer Reid. They're requesting that it be put on speaker." Catherine watched Spencer fight between being annoyed and being amused.

"We've been found out...they want to be put on speaker phone."

"No since in fighting it," she signed.

"Put them on," he said. The front desk lady patched the call into the chapel.

"Hey Reid," called JJ.

"Nice try, but next time leave the country," said Rossi

"Congratulations," said Emily.

"We haven't started the service yet," said Spencer.

"Oh can we listen in?" asked Garcia.

"You can listen in for parts of it," said Spencer.

"Whenever you two are ready?" said the clerk. Catherine nodded and so did Spencer.

"We are gathered here today to join together these two people Spencer Franklin Reid and Catherine Mary Dueringer in Holy Matrimony. If anyone has any reasons why these two should not be married please speak now or forever hold your piece."

"We should be there in person," muttered Garcia. The clerk looked confused.

"Ok...anything else?" he asked.

"No we're good here," called Morgan. Catherine watched Spencer just shake his head.

"You're going to tell me later," signed Catherine.

"Do you Spencer Reid take Catherine Dueringer to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. For as long as you both shall live?"

"I do," he signed/said

"Do you Catherine Dueringer take Spencer Reid to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. For as long as you both shall live?"

"I do," she signed/said

"Would you two like to say anything to each other?" asked the clerk.

"Um I do," said Spencer. From their end at Quantico they didn't hear anything for several minutes.

"Those sneaky signing nerds," muttered Garcia. Back in Las Vegas, Spencer really didn't care that they had been found out, he was just happy to be here with her.

"Albert Einstein once said that gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. One of the smartest people in the world couldn't figure out why people fall in love and honestly, I can't figure out what made you fall in love with me. You are one of the most wonderful and amazing people I have ever met in my whole life and I still have no idea how I got to have you. I know that it hasn't always been the easiest road for us and at times it was almost impossible, but I promise you that I will always be here for you and that I love you." Catherine felt herself tear up and she had the biggest grin on her face.

"Do you have anything you would like to say to him young lady?"

"I fell in love you because you are one of the kindest and sweetest people I have ever met in my whole life. I know that it hasn't always been easy and at times we've both been at fault, but we've become better people because of those events and that's why we're here today. I know that you love me and that you'll be here for me. And I want you to know that I'll always be here for you and that I love you," signed Catherine.

"Are we ready to exchange rings?" asked the clerk. Spencer pulled the rings out of his pocket and handed his ring to Catherine. They had bought his ring before they left DC, it was a plain Tungsten band with a band of white gold in the center.

"If would nice if we could hear you this time," teased Emily. The clerk shook his head, he was starting to see why these two had tried to elope and turned his attention to Spencer.

"If you would repeat after me-Catherine, I take you to be my lawfully wedded wife. Before these witnesses that are on the phone...I vow to love you and care for you as long as we both shall live."

"Catherine, I take you to be my lawfully wedded wife, before these witnesses that are on the phone. I vow to love you and care for you as long as we both shall live," said/signed Spencer. He could hear JJ sniffle over the phone and Garcia openly crying.

What he couldn't hear was Hotch sitting on Morgan's desk smiling, proud that Reid was taking this step in his life. That Emily was just shaking her head at how hard they had tried to keep this to themselves and yet here was everyone listening on the phone. Morgan and Rossi were just smriking knowing how much trouble they were going to be in when they came home.

"That I take you, with all your weaknesses and strengths, as I offer myself to you with all my weaknesses and strengths. That I will help you when you need help, and turn to you when I need help. I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life with."

"That I take you, with all your weaknesses and strengths, as I offer myself to you with all my weakness and strengths. That I will help you when you need help, and turn to you when I need help. I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life with," said/signed Spencer. Spencer slide the band on her finger. She would have to give them up when they got home so she could have them soldered together, but for right now she got to wear her wedding ring. The clerk handed Catherine the paper so she could say her part.

"Spencer, I take you to be my lawfully wedded husband. Before these witnesses that are on the phone...I vow to love you and care for you as long as we both shall live. That I take you, with all your weaknesses and strengths, as I offer myself to you with all my weakness and strengths. That I will help you when you need help, and turn to you when I need help. I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life with," said/signed Catherine.

"By the power vested in me my by the state of Nevada, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You can kiss the bride."

"Remember to come up for air," called Morgan.

"Sir you can't see it, but the groom made a very rude gesture at the phone," said the clerk. Catherine was wearing a pair of heels so he didn't have to bend down very far to kiss her. She was wearing her hair in a ponytail and he wove his fingers through that. He felt Catherine's hands in his hair and suddenly he didn't care how much teasing he had to endure over it, his wife liked it. _My wife..._

…...

His mother took the news well, she wasn't surprised that he opted for the private ceremony, that weddings with the white dress, the cake, and all the trappings was just a show for everyone else. She did tell him his hair made him look like one of those kids from some show called Glee and she told Catherine that if she ever hurt him she would make Catherine suffer.

"I expect nothing less," signed Catherine trying not to smile.

"Your grandmother got married in black dress. She said if it was good enough for the dead people it was good enough for the living people. You two were not of the white dress variety...take care of him."

"I will." Diana Reid hugged her and than her son.

"I'm so proud of you." Spencer hugged her back. They drove to his father's office in Summerlin and asked Catherine to wait in the car. His father had to be pulled out of meeting, but he took the news almost as well when he told him what he and Catherine had done.

"You got married...when?"

"About two hours ago." William nodded and sat down. He wasn't surprised that Spencer had opted for eloping, but it was the realization that his son was no longer a child and that he was not part of another milestone in his life that brought on tears.

"Dad...are you ok?" asked Spencer worried.

"I'm fine...I'm fine. Where is she?"

"I asked her to wait in the car while I told you...I..." William shook his head.

"Go get her so I can congratulate you both." Spencer walked out of his office and came back a few minutes later with a petite brunette in a red dress. The look on his son face when he was with her was one that he used to see on Diana when they were much younger and happier.

"You remember Catherine?" asked Spencer. William had to reach back in his memory to recall his ability to sign.

"Hello Catherine. Congratulations."

"Thank you," signed Catherine. William reached out had hugged her carefully. He hadn't seen her in person since she was ten and now she was his daughter in law.

"Take care of each other...I hope you two are very happy together."

"We are," said/signed Spencer. His father promised to come to DC and visit them sometime this summer. They said their goodbyes and William watched them walk back to the car and drive back towards town._ I hope you two stay happy._

…...

They picked up some take out from a Thai restaurant and a bottle of wine on the way back to their apartment. The plan was just to enjoy a quite evening together before they had to go back to work and deal with the fallout from their eloping.

"So how how trouble do you think we're in?" asked Catherine.

"I'm surprised they didn't jump us at the airport," signed Spencer. Maybe he would get to have a private moment with her after all. He was going to call Andrew and Erin in the morning and let them know what he and Catherine had done. That they would do something more public later on, they just wanted this to be for themselves.

Spencer unlocked the door and they let themselves in. They went to turn on the lights when they were flipped on for them.

"SURPRISE!"Spencer than remembered that each member of the team had keys to each other's apartments in case of emergency. Catherine dropped the bag of dinner and Spencer rolled his eyes. _They laid in wait...of course they would._ Hotch, Jack, Rossi, Morgan, JJ, Will, Henry, Kevin and Garcia were all waiting in the apartment for them. A white sheet cake was on the table waiting and a bottle of champagne with glasses.

"I told you, leave the country," said Rossi getting ready to open the bottle.

"Congratulations," said Morgan. Garcia went up and hugged Catherine and just glared at Spencer.

"I am so mad at you right now, but I'm also really happy for you two so that's why I'm not going to beat the IQ out of you," said/signed Garcia.

"We gonna have cake?" asked Jack.

"Yes. The bride and groom cut the cake," said Hotch trying not to laugh. Catherine looked up at him grinning.

"I'm sorry that you don't get to break a loaf of bread over my head," signed Catherine. Spencer just rolled his eyes and they went over to the cake. Emily and JJ hugged them and wished them the best. Kevin handed them a cake cutter.

"Just humor her please," pleaded Kevin. Spencer took the cake cutter and together he and Catherine cut a slice of cake.

"You shove it in my face I will hurt you," signed Catherine. They fed each other cake and let Garcia and JJ take their picture.

"So was it Elvis or Spock that did the service?" asked Emily taking her slice of cake.

"She's mean and wouldn't let me have Star Trek," said Spencer. Rossi poured everyone a glass of champagne and they toasted Spencer and Catherine.

"You almost got away with it," teased Morgan.

"Next time I get married I will leave the country...maybe the planet if possible," said Spencer.

"Oh come on Reid, you know that we couldn't miss a chance to celebrate this. We don't get a lot of happy occasions." Spencer looked over to where Catherine was sitting with JJ and was helping her feed Henry cake and grinned.

"Ok I think we've pestered the newlyweds enough for tonight. Reid...just be in before lunch tomorrow," said Hotch picking a very sleepy Jack off the sofa.

"No, they have to have a first dance," said Garcia.

"Baby girl..."started Morgan.

"Tradition!" snapped Garcia. Rossi looked over at Kevin who was just shaking his head.

"You have my pity sir."

"We don't have a song," signed Catherine.

"Oh she found one," said JJ. Catherine looked over at Spencer and realized they were just going to have to humor her if they wanted any time alone this evening. They went into the living room while Garcia put on a CD and pulled out her camera.

"Act like your having fun," signed Catherine and Spencer had to force himself not laugh. The song started and he had to admit Garcia had made a good song choice. When everyone had left and Catherine asked him what the song was he signed the whole thing to her.

_Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air/ I know I can count on you/ Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"/ But you've got the love I need To see me through/ Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough/And things go wrong no matter what I do/ Now and then it seems that life is just too much/ But you've got the love I need to see me through._

_When food is gone you are my daily need/ When friends are gone I know my savior's love is real/ You know it's real___

_You got the love__  
><em>_You got the love__  
><em>_You got the love__  
><em>_You got the love__  
><em>_You got the love__  
><em>_You got the love___

_Time after time I think "Oh Lord what's the use?"/ Time after time I think it's just no good/ Sooner or later in life, the things you love you lose/ But you've got the love I need to see me through___

_You got the love__  
><em>_You got the love__  
><em>_You got the love__  
><em>_You got the love__  
><em>_You got the love__  
><em>_You got the love___

_Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air/ I know I can count on you/ Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"/ But you've got the love I need to see me through_

…...

Spencer woke up later on that night with Catherine curled up next him. The dress had been thrown on the floor and his socks were next to the dress. The tulips had to be tossed when they went through airport security and the marriage license would be mailed to them next week. Right now the main reminders of what they did today were the rings on their fingers, the pictures he was sure would be plastered on Facebook in the morning and the sleeping woman next to him.

Our wedding was many years celebration continues to this day. Gene Perret_  
><em>

Notes-The song is You've Got the Love by Florence and the Machine


	42. Chapter three part one

Chapter three part one

Real difficulties can be overcome, it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable. Theodore N. Vail.

"Mrs. Reid?" asked the man. "Hi. I'm Kyle Jackson," he signed. He was a tall white guy about her age with shaggy blond hair and green eyes. Catherine stood up and shook his hand.

"Please just call me Catherine."

"So you're taking over the Drama out reach program?" he asked once they sat down.

Kyle was from Zeller High School and was their Drama teacher, their school was tied in with her school. Their school sometimes offered classes they couldn't do and visa versa. The Drama program was something that made the students work together and had put on some great performances in the past. The program had sort of hit a dry spell with budget cuts and the sponsors being older and out of touch with the students. Kyle had butted heads in the past with the former head of the program and with his retirement they had asked Catherine to step in. With two weeks before the start of the term they were meeting for the first time.

"Well with Mr. Walters retiring they needed someone to step in. I did some dance and some filler drama classes in college so I have some know how of the way things work back stage."

"You got on stage?" he asked.

"Not that much, I twisted my ankle and it sorted ended Jazz dancing for me," Catherine admitted. They ordered lunch and talked about what funds they had and what they could do.

"There was a school in Florida that put on a Deaf/Hearing production of West Side Story...it was really time consuming and it was really expensive though," signed Kyle.

"I read about that. The Deaf kids played the Sharks and the Hearing kids played the Jets. I don't think we've done a musical in years."

"Walters was a stick in the mud about musicals."

"It would be a great way to get the kids working together and it would a way to get the program started up again," signed Catherine. Kyle smiled.

"Thank god they got someone who actually wants to try stuff out." Catherine went to signed something when she felt a sharp pain in her side that almost took her breath away.

"Are you ok?" he asked.

"I must of pulled something." They discussed when to get the kids from both groups together and when to hold try outs.

"It's going to be a lot of work, but I think it's going to be amazing once it's put together," signed Catherine. They finished lunch and Kyle left. Catherine went to head back to car when she felt that pain in her side again. She made herself take a deep breath and drove home. Spencer was out of town on a case, but he hoped to home later on tonight. There was a part of her that wanted to call him and ask him if he could come home now. _Stop being silly...nothing is wrong._

…...

His head hurt, it hurt so much that he had thrown up on the jet and he had never thrown up. Spencer hoped that no one had heard him throwing up. Especially JJ, she seemed to really stressed out and upset about something. She had a meeting with Strauss and Hotch earlier this morning and that was never good for anyone. It couldn't be about her job performance, she always did an amazing job and handled herself unbelievable well when they had been in LA a few weeks ago getting Billy Flynn to release Ellie Spicer.

He rinsed his mouth out in the sink and went back to help profiling the people who took Kate Joyce. After they made their plan of action JJ took a seat away from the group and by the window. Spencer noticed the looks Morgan and Emily were giving each other and how Hotch and Rossi weren't looking at each other. Spencer got up and took a seat across from JJ.

"Do you mind me asking what was said when I was in the bathroom?" asked Spencer. JJ gave him a very tired smile.

"I pissed Strauss off because I won't take a position with the Pentagon. I've turned them down twice. It's like a guy at a the club who won't take a hint."

"Why do they want you to leave the BAU? You're really good here," said Spencer shocked.

"That's the problem according to Strauss. I'm too good to be 'wasting' away at the BAU. Don't tell me none of the other agencies or branches haven't thrown anything your way?" teased JJ.

"I've turned down offers from the NSA, Cal-Tech, MIT, some engineering firms and at least one Internet company," said Spencer. JJ looked at him shocked.

"Wow everyone hits on you at the club. You've never wanted to leave?"

"No...I've never even really considered anything else. I just belong here." _This job brought him closure about why his father had left when he was ten years old, he had saved hundreds of lives, it gave him his family and brought his best friend back into his life who was now his wife. _

"And I belong here too," said JJ with a smile that Spencer returned.

"So you mind me asking what the Internet start up was?" asked JJ.

"I don't even remember...Google...Yahoo...one of those nonsense words."

"Only you Reid, only you." He smiled and felt the pain in his brain start to lessen. However, if didn't lessen his sense that something horrible was going to happen and there was nothing he could do about it.

…...

It was thirteen hours later when they found Kate Joyce barely alive and clinging to a buoy in the middle of the ocean. The plane ride home was quite. He, JJ and Emily all sat together playing Scrabble.

"Haha. Triple Word," sang JJ and laid her tiles down.

"This game is evil," muttered Spencer fishing more tiles out of bag.

"It's only evil because you lose at it," giggled Emily.

"Catherine told you didn't she," demanded Spencer.

"Oh she promised to love you, not hide the fact you suck at Scrabble," said JJ.

"I do not suck at Scrabble. It's all in what tiles you draw and I just have unfortunate luck with the tiles I draw," said Spencer. Emily started laughing and JJ gave them a tired smile. She had spent all thirteen hours with the family of Kate Joyce and Spencer had a feeling that between Strauss this morning and spending all day with a victim's family JJ was more than ready to go home and spend some time with her non-work family.

"Hey JJ, Catherine and I wanted to know if we could take Henry to the park this weekend?" asked Spencer.

"He's your god child of course you can take him...give mommy some alone time please."

"Just make sure you don't buy him anymore toys. I think Garcia has Toys R Us on speed dial," teased Emily. They landed back in Virginia and headed back to the BAU. They went into the bull pen to finish up some paperwork and maybe all go out to dinner. Spencer sent Catherine a text asking if she would like to come out to dinner when JJ came down the stairs and looked depressed beyond belief. JJ came up to them and her hands were shaking.

"Oh no," said Emily. JJ was trying not to cry and it hit Spencer that despite JJ telling them no and Hotch trying to keep her here, the higher ups had decided that JJ would no longer 'waste' her time with the BAU.

"I thought Hotch..." started Morgan and JJ shook her head.

"It's above his head."

"They can't just take you away," said Spencer more to himself than to anyone else. It wasn't fair, she had done so much for them and for the families they helped and because someone thought they knew what was better for her and for the team she was being taken away.

"So we can't do anything?" asked Emily.

"It's done," said JJ. She didn't seem bitter about it, just sad.

"It's because you're good at this," said Emily trying not to be bitter herself.

"It's true. You're on everybody's wish list...our loss is somebody else's gain," said Rossi plainly stating a fact. _It's still not fair, _thought Spencer.

"They can't take you away," repeated Spencer. She belonged her, she was family. JJ reached out and hugged him.

"They might physically take me away from here, but my heart is here. Beside it's not like you guys are never going to see me again. Especially you...got to start working on your kid skills," teased JJ. Spencer blinked back tears and hugged her back.

"We'll miss you kid," said Rossi. JJ hugged Rossi and than Emily and Morgan hugged her.

"We can wait here for you," said Spencer.

"No...I'm going to be here awhile so let's make plans for dinner this weekend. My house, my cooking that way no one has to eat Will's Gumbo," said JJ trying to joke. She was so calm about all this and Spencer wondered how she could stay so calm. _It's because we're upset enough for her. _Everyone started to gather up their things to go home and Spencer just shook his head. It just wasn't fair to take her away. Even though he would be able to see her when he wasn't working it wasn't going to be the same. Who was going to talk with the victim's families? None of them could have done what she had done with Ellie Spicer or with Kate Joyce's family. _It's not fair._

…...

Catherine hadn't returned his text, she must have fallen asleep and missed his text. He let himself into the apartment and noticed that Catherine hadn't turned any of the lights on. He turned on the lamp in the living room and noticed her purse was on the table with the phone vibrating. Spencer took the phone and turned it off so it wouldn't buzz all night.

Spencer heard what sounded like a whimpering sound coming from the bedroom. _Catherine._ He sat his bag down and went into the dark bedroom and the whimpering sound got louder. His eyes adjusted to the dark and saw a lump on his bed. Spencer came into the bedroom and turned on the bedside light. Catherine was curled up in the bed and had both her arms wrapped around her midsection. She was pale, felt almost cold to the touch and was sweating. He made her look at him and she had been crying.

"Catherine...Catherine, look at me! What's wrong?"

"Hurts...it just hurts," she muttered and was shaking. Spencer brushed back her hair and felt a wave of panic.

"Can you move?" he asked and she shook her head no. Spencer grabbed his phone and called 911. She couldn't stop crying and he tried to calm her while explaining to the operator what was going on with Catherine.

"She's complaining about serve abdominal pain, she's sweating, but she doesn't feel like she's running a fever," said Spencer fitting the panic that was starting to take over. The operator told him an ambulance was on the way and just to stay calm and keep her calm. He hung up and tried to soothe Catherine while waiting for the ambulance.

"Hey...hey look at me. Stay awake," signed Spencer touching her face.

"I'm so tired," she signed. "It just hurts all over." He heard the sirens coming and took her hand and squeezed it hard. _God what's wrong with you?_

The medics knocked and Spencer forced himself to leave her side to let them in. Spencer led them in to the bedroom where they started trying to help Catherine and Spencer had to explain that she was Deaf and couldn't hear what they were asking her.

"Can you ask her how long she's felt like this?" asked the medic. Spencer did and found out that it started after he left this morning, that it was only minor cramping but it had gotten worse since this afternoon.

"Are you pregnant?" asked the medic. Spencer froze and the medic repeated the question. He related the question to Catherine and she shook her head no.

"She allergic to anything?"

"No. I'm coming with you," said Spencer. The medics moved Catherine off the bed and Spencer could tell that she was in so much pain and was trying not to scream. They got her on the stretcher and Spencer barely remember to grab his keys before they left the apartment. _God let her be ok...please...please let her be ok._

…...

It would be several hours before anyone would give him an answer about what was happening with Catherine.

"Dr. Reid," said a female voice, the doctor was an Asian woman about his age with long black hair. Spencer almost jumped out of his chair, _Please give me some good news._

"I'm Dr. Fendi, I've been treating your wife."

"Is she ok?" asked Spencer, Fendi made him sit down.

"We gave her something for the pain and she's resting comfortably right now. Your wife is suffering from an ectopic pregnancy."

"I didn't know she was pregnant," said Spencer feeling numb.

"She didn't know either, she was only six or seven weeks along. She probably even had her normal cycle and didn't consider that she could be pregnant. We have to perform a laparoscopic and terminate the pregnancy." Spencer felt just numb all the way to core, he knew that they had to perform the surgery or else Catherine could die and that this early on there was no change to save the pregnancy.

"Can I see her please?" asked Spencer.

"Of course." She led him down the hall and took him to the fourth floor. "She's just down the hall. We've haven't explained everything to her yet."

"I'll talk to her,"said Spencer. Fedni nodded and left him to set up the surgery for Catherine. Spencer walked down the hall and saw Catherine lying on her side on the bed half asleep. He came into the room and pulled up a chair next to her.

"Hey," he said and he kissed her forehead. "Are you feeling ok?" _Six weeks...we just finished that case in L.A. I was so happy to see her. I told Catherine after we were married that if she didn't want to take her pills anymore than I was ok with it, that after all this time waiting any longer would slow our chances of having children down. I didn't think it would happen so soon and not like this._

"It doesn't hurt so much now," signed Catherine. Spencer nodded and was now dreading what he was about to tell her.

"You know I love you," signed Spencer.

"What's going on?" She might be on some serious pain medication, but she could tell he was horribly upset. Spencer took a deep breath before explaining to her what was happening.

"The doctors discovered that you have an ectopic pregnancy and they need to perform a laparoscopic to remove it."

"They have too?" asked Catherine near tears. _I'm pregnant and I didn't know...how is this even fair?_

"Yes they have too."

"I didn't know...and I'm sorry," said Catherine and she started crying. Spencer bend down and hugged her carefully.

"It's not your fault...ok...it's not your fault." Spencer kissed her forehead and fought back his own tears.

…...

"Hey where's Reid?" asked Emily sitting her coffee down.

"Don't know. He's normally here by now," said Morgan. Morgan grabbed his cell and called Spencer and found he got no answer, it went right to his voice mail. "Hey...wake up sleepy head." Emily texted Catherine and waited. Catherine was always good about returning texts quickly and when more than ten minutes without a reply she started to worry.

"Catherine isn't returning her texts," said Emily.

"I get newlywedds need more alone time than normal couples, but this is getting in the way of work," said Morgan. Emily sent Catherine another text and still got no reply. Emily went over to Reid's desk and took out his spare key.

"I'll be back in twenty minutes," said Emily.

"Oh come on Emily. I bet he just over slept," said Morgan. Emily wasn't taking any risks, especially after Hotch.

"Twenty minutes." She left the BAU and drove quickly over to the apartment. She let herself in the building and the apartment. Catherine's purse and phone were on the table and Spencer's bag was on the floor.

"Hello," she called out and it was silent. She pulled her side arm and started to clear the apartment. She found no signs of anything out of place, but she found Spencer's phone tossed on the night stand. It didn't look like the bed had been slept in and nothing in this room was out of place. She put her gun away and called Morgan.

"They're not here," she said

"They skip town again," teased Morgan.

"They didn't take anything with them. Catherine's purse is here, Reid's bag is here, phones, clothes. They didn't leave town, but nothing seems out of place or missing."

"Talk to the neighbors and I'll have Garcia start looking into hospitals," said Morgan all kidding aside. Emily hung up and knocked on the door of the apartment across the hall. A little girl opened the door.

"Hi sweetie. Is your mommy home?" asked Emily. An older lady came running to the door.

"Jody! We don't just open the door to strangers." Emily pulled out her badge.

"I'm sorry to brother you. I'm Emily Prentiss. I work with Dr. Reid, do you know him?"

"Oh the doctor and his wife. Is she ok?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing," said Emily.

"She was taken out of here last night in an ambulance and he went with her. He looked terrified. They seem like a sweet couple...you don't think he had anything to do with..." Emily cut her off.

"Oh no...god no. We were just worried when he didn't come into work and we couldn't reach either one of them. Do you know what hospital they would have gone too?"

"St. John's is the closest," said the woman.

"Thank you very much," said Emily. The woman and her granddaughter went back into the apartment and Emily called Morgan.

"The neighbor said that Catherine got taken out of the apartment on a stretcher, Spencer was with her and that she was most likely taken to St. John's. I'm going to head over there," said Emily.

"Damn...alright I'll tell Hotch. You don't think she was attacked?"

"No, if she had been he would have called us." Emily hung up her phone and headed over to the hospital.

…...

Spencer didn't even remember falling asleep. They took Catherine to surgery late last night and told him that everything looked ok now. They couldn't tell him what caused it to happened, that over half the time they couldn't find a cause. They told him that she didn't have any scaring and that if they wanted to try and conceive again to wait a month. _We weren't really trying this time and it just happened. _Spencer came back into her room after they brought her back and sat next to her.

They had discussed having children in detail after coming back from Vegas. He and Catherine were both aware that any child they might have could lose their hearing later in life or be Deaf from birth like her. They were aware of his mother's illness and how it might not present itself until they were much older if it ever did. Spencer had been hesitant on the idea of them having their own children. It wasn't because he didn't like children, he just felt that between the two of them they were a genetic nightmare waiting to happen...well he was a genetic nightmare that could happen, Catherine coped with the Deafness and managed to fit in. _His own nightmare involved a never ending life time of medication, voices in his head and not knowing who he was._ Was it fair to pass that fear on to another person? _My dad even wanted more kids despite the risk._ However, this was not something he had even considering happening. _Six weeks...technically it's a fetus. It wouldn't have survived at all and she could have died. It still hurts though. _

Spencer felt a hand on shoulder and almost jumped out of his chair. Emily was standing there looking worried.

"Hey," said Emily and she looked over at Catherine and bit her lip. "You guys ok?" Spencer shook his head and Emily grabbed a chair.

"What happened?" she asked. Spencer realized that he had forgotten to call in and wasn't surprised that Emily had tracked him down when he didn't come in.

"They had to perform a laparoscopic last night," said Spencer quietly.

"Oh god Spener. I'm so sorry," said Emily. Spencer shrugged and he looked down at the blanket covering the bed.

"There was really nothing else that could be done. If they didn't terminate the pregnancy, the tube would have ruptured and it would have killed Catherine. We didn't even know about it until last night, so it's not like we had an emotional attachment to it yet," Emily sighed, it really didn't matter if they knew or didn't know. The facts were they lost what could have been their first child and she could tell that Reid was trying to deal with this lost with facts.

"Is she going to be ok?" asked Emily.

"They said she was going to be fine." Emily took his hand.

"Are you going to be ok?"

"They say that 10 to 25 percent of women will have a miscarriage in their lifetime and I never even thought that she would be in that statistic," said Spencer. "It's not fair."

"I know," said Emily.

"I really don't want everyone to know about this," said Spencer fighting back tears.

"Ok...ok...um they know you guys are here, but they don't know why. Catherine needed her appendix out."

"She had it removed when she was eleven," said Spencer.

"Does anyone else know that?"

"No."

"Than she needed her appendix removed, she needs to rest and you want to be alone," said Emily and she went into the hallway to make the call. Catherine started to wake up slowly.

"How are you feeling?" asked Spencer.

"Drugs are working...I don't feel anything. Are you ok?" _Why does everyone keep asking me that?_

"I'm fine," he said a little too quickly.

"You are a terrible liar," she signed. He bit his lip and stroked her head.

"I was really worried about you. You scared me for a change." Catherine gave him a ghost of a smile.

"What did the doctors say?"

"The operation went alright. They didn't see any signs of damage or anything to suggest that we couldn't have children in the future." Spencer looked back down at the floor and Catherine made him look at her.

"Please talk to me."

"I just...I wasn't ready for this," admitted Spencer. _I never thought we would be here and it's really not fair. _Catherine took his hand and squeezed it.

"I'm really sorry," she whispered. _I'm sorry I didn't realize._

"It's not your fault, it's not your fault at all."

"I really...really don't want everyone knowing this." She didn't want the pity or the questions that would happen if people found out. Spencer nodded.

"Emily came looking for me and she knows, but she promised to keep this away from the team. You had your appendix removed again." Catherine gave him another ghost of smile and adjusted herself in bed. Emily came back in the room.

"Catherine is drugged up and sleeping and you have the weekend off to take care of her," said Emily. She came over the bed and hugged Catherine carefully.

"I am so sorry," she signed. _I chose to end mine and you didn't...it's never fair. _"Get some rest, both of you." Emily left the hospital and headed back to the BAU.

…...

Catherine was released later on that day and they spent all day Friday at home in a state of long silences and sleep. They didn't know what to say to each other. That night Spencer laid next to her in the bed with his arms around her. She was in a half doze, her back against his chest and his head on her shoulder. Catherine couldn't read what Spencer was feeling, she was torn between being bitter about not knowing she was pregnant and the feelings of loss.

"They said we could try again?" asked Catherine and she turned to face him. _We weren't even really trying and look what happened_, thought Spencer.

"The doctor suggested waiting a month before trying again."

"Do you want to try again?" Spencer laid there for several minutes not saying anything.

"Do you wanna try? This effects you more than it does me...you have to handle both the physical and the emotional aspects of the pregnancy." _You could have been the one to die..._

"I think I do." Spencer nodded.

"I'm not going to lie to you to. What could have happened to you scared the hell out of me. This was something I never considered happening...I want to try again...I'm terrified, but if you want to do this..." Catherine hugged him and Spencer hugged her back hard.

"I know we didn't know about it, but it still really hurts," muttered Catherine. Spencer just pulled her closer and didn't say anything. _It wasn't baby...it was barely a fetus...it wouldn't have survived..._Spencer felt her start to cry. "It's not fair."

"I know," said Spencer and he felt his own eyes start to burn and he let Catherine cry herself to sleep before he did the same.

…...

On Sunday afternoon they were sitting in the living room each lost in their own thoughts when Spencer heard someone knocking at the door. He got up and opened the door, there stood JJ and Henry.

"Hi," said Spencer taken aback.

"Hey...Garcia told me what happened with Catherine and I just wanted to see if you guys were up for visitors?"

"Um...let me ask Catherine if she's feeling up to it?" Spencer went back into the living room. "JJ and Henry are here...are you up for visitors?" She twisted her ring nervously for a second.

"Sure." She sat up on the sofa and tried to get more comfortable. Spencer went and let JJ and Henry in. Henry was getting better at walking and he toddled over to Spencer.

"Hi Henry," said Spencer picking him up and hugging him. JJ noticed that Spencer hugged Henry a little harder than normal. They came back into the living room and Catherine waved at Henry. Spencer sat Henry down and he toddled over to Catherine and tried to climb on the sofa to sit with her.

"I can't pick him up," signed Catherine and Spencer picked the toddler up and sat him next to Catherine.

"Hi sweetie," said/signed Catherine and she kissed him on his head. Henry smiled and JJ handed him a toy so he wouldn't crawl all over her.

"Hey how you feeling?" asked JJ sitting down across from her.

"A little sore, but I should be ready for classes next week," signed Catherine. JJ stayed for about an hour and she noticed how spaced out Spencer was and how Catherine was with Henry. She was always very sweet with him, but she had this far away look in her eyes when she was reading to him and she noticed how Spencer kept looking at Catherine. It was only when she left did it occur to her that Catherine had Henry sitting on her right side and if she remembered right the appendix was on the right side. _Of course they wouldn't talk about that_...JJ hugged Henry and put him down for his nap and watched him the whole time. JJ hoped that Spence would be ok without her there...she hoped all of them would be ok.

Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family. Anthony Brandt

Notes-Ep used The longest night and JJ

A school in Florida did put on a Hearing/Deaf production of West Side Story and it was very pricey...


	43. Chapter three part two

Chapter three part two

Somehow our devils are never quite what we expect when we meet them face to face. Nelson DeMille

_Could be...who knows. There's something due any day; I will know right away. _Spencer heard the singing from down the hall and he walked into the auditorium. The kid playing Tony was rehearsing his song and the interpreter was off to the side signing the song. Catherine had explained that at this point in the story Tony didn't know sign. He wouldn't learn it until he met Maria and than Tony would do all his own signing. They had to teach him how to sign all his songs and how to sign his lines.

He ignored the pain in his head and headed towards one of the back to where the costume shop was. Catherine and Kyle had divided duties, he handled the actors and the dancers and she would handle the stage and the costumes and they both took turns working with the onstage interpreters. Catherine and Kyle had both worked on teaching the kids to sign and even Spencer was impressed on how fast they caught on.

He opened the door that would lead him to the costume shop and winced, the kids had music on and they had it on at an ear splitting level. _God when is the head ache medicine going to kick in?_ He went into the shop and the kids were all huddled around various projects and either chatting or signing with each other while the music blared. Catherine was pinning a hem on a dress and was signing with a young blonde girl who was pinning her own dress.

"Hey what's up Doc?" asked Saul. Saul Martiza was one of Catherine's Senior students, he had been taking her French class since he was a freshmen. He was a tall, Latino kid with buzzed black hair and brown eyes. He had lost most of his hearing in his left ear and wore an aid most of the time. According to Catherine he had signed up with the Drama program when he found out 'all the cute girls' were going to be there.

"Not much. You?" asked Spencer.

"Project Georgia is in full swing," he signed.

"Project Georgia?" asked Spencer. Saul pointed over to the blonde working next to Catherine.

"I'm wearing her down man. Watch this," signed Saul. "Hey Peaches," he called out. The blonde rolled her green eyes.

"My name is Savannah not Peaches," she called out dully. She had a very strong Southern twang in her voice.

"You answered to it," called out Saul with a grin.

"I swear to Jesus Saul that I'm going shove one of these pins where the sun don't shine," muttered Savannah.

"Wearing you down sweet magnolia," teased Saul.

"Saul...don't make you call your mother," called Catherine noticing that Savannah was getting annoyed. Saul had been flirting with Savannah non stop since September and now it was January and he showed no signs of letting up. Savannah took it well for the most part, either ignoring him or giving it back just as much as he gave. Catherine finished the hem and looked over her shoulder at him and saw Spencer. She stood up and signed to Savannah to finish the hems and she would be back. Catherine looked at him and saw how tired he looked and felt a wave of worry come over her.

"Hey," she said. "Saul I'm going to my office...behave yourself or I will let Savannah shove that pin where it doesn't shine. And turn the music down please." Catherine saw how Spencer was standing there with a grimace on his face. She could feel the vibrations though and had a feeling it was loud. She took Spencer to the shop's office and shut the door.

"Hey...you ok?" she asked and he shook his head no. "I really wish you would see a doctor about this."

"I already did." Catherine looked at him confused and somewhat hurt that he hadn't told her that he was finally going to see a doctor. The headaches had started in September and had been getting worse and they were lasting longer and longer. It was getting to the point where when Spencer was home he would lay in the bedroom with the door shut, the curtains drawn and sometimes a pillow over his head in an attempt to block out any other sounds or light. She would sometimes lay in bed with him and he would hold her hand so hard that it hurt or he would hug her and she could feel how thin he was getting because he was missing meals.

"What...when?"

"A few days ago. Before I left for Florida."

…...

_I should have told Catherine...she would be here with me. All I had to do was ask._ She had been pushing him to go to the doctor for months now. She was worried about him, Spencer could see it in her eyes when they were together. Spencer knew that it didn't matter that he told her not to worry about him that she worried anyway. _She's your wife, that's what they do._ He was sitting in the hallway of the hospital waiting to be called back for his scan. He kept his head down and looked at the floor. The lights in the hallway were bright and he kept his sunglasses on. He fiddled with his wedding ring and kept tapping his foot on the floor. _Seven months...we've been married Seven months and we spent our anniversary at home because my head hurt so bad I wanted to scream. Catherine was in the bed with me and even though she couldn't hear me she had to know I was crying because it hurt so badly. 10 percent of people diagnosed with brain tumors are between the ages of 20 and 34...5.6 percent are men...and 32.1 percent of Caucasian men have a five year survival rate. _A nurse came up to him.

"We're almost ready for you Dr. Reid. Just a few more questions. Are you having one of your headaches right now?" Spencer took off his glasses and winced looking up at her and into the light.

"Yeah I am."

"How long have you had it?"

"Um not that long...I don't know." _It just all blends together._

"Can you be more specific?"

"About two days," he admitted and this was on of the shorter ones.

"And the lights hurt your eyes?" she asked and he nodded.

"Any hallucinations?"

"No." he said. It was another twenty minutes before he was called back and handed a thin white gown by a male nurse.

"Please put your clothes in and jewelery in this bin. Gown closed in the back." He left the room and Spencer undressed, tucked his watch and wedding ring into one of his pockets and tied the gown closed in the back, it took awhile with his hands shaking. The male nurse came back a few minutes later and took Spencer down another hallway to the room where the MRI would be done.

"Just lie down on the bed and we'll get started in a minute," he said. Spencer got on the bed and the male nurse covered him from the waist down with a blanket.

"The scan shouldn't take more than a few minutes, but we'll need you to be perfectly still while in the machine. Any metal rods or plates that we need to know about?"

"No." The nurse nodded.

"Dr. Thomas will be here in a moment. Just try to relax." He left the room and Spencer looked up the ceiling. The lights were very dim in here, he closed his eyes and tried to relax.

"Dr. Reid," said a voice. Spencer looked up and saw an older bald man come into the room.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Thomas. You were referred to me by Dr. Madison."

"That's right," said Spencer. Dr Thomas pulled up a chair and looked over Spencer's chart.

"It could take up to three days before we get the results back. Is there anyone else you would like these results released too?"

"No." _I'll tell her myself when they come in._

"Other than the headaches you haven't experienced any other symptoms?"

"I can't sleep...loss of appetite." _I don't want to be physically intimate with my wife because I feel so exhausted and my head hurts so much...it's been almost two months since I've even considered touching her...I love her, yet I'm shutting myself away from her more and more each day. _

"Alright...just try and relax. We'll get the scan underway." Dr. Thomas left the room and Spencer tried to get comfortable on the narrow bed.

"Alright, Dr Reid were going to get started. Please stay still." Spencer closed his eyes and clenched the blanket near his waist. He wished Catherine was here to hold his hand. _I should have told her I was coming here._

…...

"What did the doctor say?" asked Catherine making him sit down.

"They said I was fine." She looked relieved and she hugged him.

"That's good right?"

"They don't know what's wrong with me though."

"Well what else did they say?"

"They think it's psychosomatic...I'm not...I'm not going crazy."

"Why would you think that?"

"I want you to promise me that...if this doesn't get better...that no matter what I say..." Catherine cut him off.

"Why would you think that you're going crazy Spencer?" He wouldn't look at her. He didn't know what to tell her. _I can't tell her about the case...what Julio told me._ "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you I went to the doctor...I'll see you at home." He bent over, kissed her quickly and walked out of her office. Catherine took a minute to compose herself before going back out to work with the students.

"Hey Ms. D...you ok?" asked Saul. Saul might come off as a hopelessly horny teenager but, he was a sweetheart underneath it all.

"It's Mrs. Reid now and I'm fine. Come on. You have buttons to sew on shirts."

…...

"These lights are no good for you...they give you a headache," said Julio calmly. They had brought him in for questioning in the murder of four murders with hints relating to a religion called Palo Mayombe.

"What does that have to do with anything?" asked Spencer. He was tired, he hadn't slept right in days and it felt like something was trying to crawl out of his head. It didn't help that it was unbearably bright all day and it was to the point that the sunglasses weren't helping that much. Julio looked him right in the eyes and leaned in.

"Your wife is worried about you...you don't lay with her anymore," he whispered. Spencer simply stared at this man confused. He normally took his ring off before talking with Un-subs, he didn't want to give them anything. He had forgotten to take it off this time and he was mentally kicking himself.

"She thinks it's because she lost your son...she's not to blame. It's the ghost you bring home...they're in your head," he whispered. Spencer didn't spook easily and right now he was hiding how freaked out he was and he was hoping that Hotch couldn't hear what Julio had just said. They hadn't even told their parents about the miscarriage...they didn't even know what it was supposed to be. _It would have been too soon to tell what it would have been and the doctors didn't tell us. _Before Spencer could say anything Morgan walked in with crime photos of a gang that Julio used to be apart of when he was younger.

Julio didn't look at Morgan or the photos, his eyes were locked on Spencer's and he started tapping on the table. _How do you know these things about me?_ He started chanting, softly at first and than louder until he was almost yelling at him. Morgan watched the exchange between them unsure what to make of it. Neither Julio or Reid blinked during the exchange and when Julio was done chanting he simply slumped in the chair looking exhausted.

"We need to talk," said Morgan and he put a hand on Reid's shoulder. It was almost like he forgot about him, Reid jumped and looked at him puzzled. "In the hall." The both left the room and Hotch and Detective Cabrera were looking in through the glass at Julio.

"What the hell was that about?" asked Cabrera.

"I think we just witnessed a classic case of trans-possession," said Spencer. Cabrera looked at him confused. "It's a form of religious hysteria. He wholeheartedly believes that he is occupied by some sort of deity."

"He wasn't faking that?" Cabrera was shocked.

"No, he underwent several physical changes," said Morgan. If he hadn't witnessed it first hand he wouldn't have believed it himself. Hotch asked Cabrera if he understood what Julio had been chanting and Cabrera had no idea.

"I remember what he said. I'm sure he'll be able to translate them," said Spencer and he started to head back.

"Are you sure?" asked Hotch.

"That I'll remember?"

"That you want to go back in there?" Hotch hadn't caught much of what Julio had whispered to Reid, but he had heard him make mention of 'your wife' and he had noticed how tired and out of it he had been the past few days.

"Yeah." _I want to know how he knows about the headaches and the other stuff._ Spencer wasn't religious, but until 48 hours ago he didn't know this man and they had never crossed paths before yet he knew several private details that hadn't gone past the four walls of his home. Spencer sat back down across from Julio.

"What happened?" asked Julio.

"You have no recollection?" asked Spencer.

"We were talking the lights..." muttered Julio.

"We were talking about the lights, and headaches and you mentioned my wife."

"That was my saint. You're lucky he spoke to you...what did he say," demanded Julio. Spencer repeated back the first part of the chant. Julio leaned in and Spencer found himself pulling away.

"You have bad egunu on top of you and it's spoiling your head." Staying calm Spencer repeated the next part.

"You need to clear them quickly or they'll spoil her next."

"What are egunu?" asked Spencer.

"Spirits of the dead."

"Why would you say..."

"I didn't," said Julio calmly.

"Why would your saint say that they're spoiling my head?" The doctor had called him and told him that his results were in sooner than expected and they could meet whenever he wanted to go over them. _32.1 have a survival rate of five years...I would not only leave Catherine behind, but maybe a child...I would make her a widow and a single parent. I would just be a person in photos and in stories told, my child would have no real memory of me._

"Now that's a question only you can answer." Julio looked away from him. "Something is wrong. Can you feel it?"

"Yeah four people are dead and maybe the fifth one is safe with you in here," said Spencer.

"No...someone is about to get hurt. Listen with your heart and not your head." The door opened and Morgan came in. Spencer wondered how much he and Hotch had overheard.

…...

Catherine opened the door to the apartment and noticed that all the lights were off and that Spencer wasn't in the living room or the office. She took off her shoes and went into the bedroom. She shut the door behind her and when her eyes adjusted to the darkness she saw Spencer was on the bed. She laid down next to him and he had his back to her. She buried her face into his sweater and wrapped an arm around him. Spencer reached up and took her hand in his, but he wouldn't face her so they could talk.

"Please talk to me," muttered Catherine. Spencer squeezed her hand, but he wouldn't turn to look at her. Spencer heard her sniffle. Catherine took her hand out of his, got out of bed and left the room shutting the door softly. He could hear her crying to herself in the living room, but he couldn't make himself get up and go to her. Spencer heard the front door open and shut again, Catherine had left the apartment again. He grabbed the pillow and put it over his head so when she did come home he wouldn't hear the door or her crying. Spencer took off the bracelet on his wrist that Julio had given him. _To protect me from I don't know what...too bad it's not working._

…...

His head wouldn't stop hurting and he couldn't focus. It was clear now that Walker was the killer and had been using Julio's assistant Elian has a red herring to throw them off the trail. Julio and Elian were now both missing and Walker had staged a scene at the community center to make it look like Elian had killed Julio and the other victims. The others were downstairs looking at the scene and Spencer was upstairs looking at Julio's room and couldn't figure out what he was trying to find. He hadn't even turned the lights on to search the room. _Please god I'll do anything to make this stop...I'll believe in anything just make this stop._ He wanted to scream, it felt like something was pounding in his head and was also trying to claw it's way out. He felt like something was burning behind his eyes and he felt dizzy. _I can't breath...can't breath. _His vest felt like it weighed a ton. He sat down on the bed and ripped it off. He forced himself to take deep breaths. _Please stop..._He heard Julio's voice in his head. _The ghosts are haunting you. _He kept hearing a clinking sound and it was drilling itself into his thoughts. _Where the hell is that coming from?_ Spencer stood up and a picture on the dresser caught his attention. It was a picture of the house a little ways from here and he remembered seeing it when the brought Julio in..._the fence doesn't shut_. He looked out the window and saw it there. _All the victims were killed in their homes and that was Julio's home once._

Spencer was never able to explain why he left without telling anyone or putting his vest back on. But he left the crime scene and went towards the house with the chain link fence that was moving slowly. He opened the gate and moved it so that it would stop clinking. They're were no lights on inside the house and he couldn't hear anything as he let himself inside. He didn't even notice the door slam shut behind him. _I've dreamed of this place..._he walked the down the hall and peaked though some boards to see that Elian had been tied up and was slumped over in a chair and that Julio was on the floor not moving. Spencer went to turn around and found himself face to face with Walker and a gun.

"You really shouldn't be here," said Walker. The pain in Spencer's head was still there if not worse than before. _Oh please just shoot me and maybe it will stop. _Walker made him walk into the room with Julio and Elian.

"You're a Professor and you're a lot smarter than this," said Spencer as Walker kept his gun trained on the back of Spencer's head. Walker grabbed Spencer in a loose choke hold.

"Please toss your gun over there." Spencer really had no choice but to do what he said.

"Men like you and I don't need guns," said Spencer. It was something Gideon had told him once when he faced down the Footpath Killer.

"Men like you and I?" asked Walker.

"Yes, men of intelligence." _It's really dumb how I kept ending up in these messes though. _The candles on the table and the faint hints of moonlight coming in were the only lights in this room, but they still made his eyes burn and his head throb. Julio was alive and awake, he was screaming through his gag.

"Oh so we're the same," laughed Walker, Julio got louder and Walker told him to shut up.

"I think we have some similarities...we both like books." _Wow we're really brilliant right now. _

"Books?" asked Walker sounding shocked. His phone rang and it sounded like an army marching. Walker grabbed his phone and threw it off to the side.

"You know I don't think you killed all these people just to sell a book."_ If you did you are the dumbest Un-sub I have every dealt with. _Walker started explaining his master plan like he was a James Bond villain all the while the room started to get brighter for some unknown reason and Spencer was debating if getting shot again would be worth it just so he had a different pain to focus on. Julio was still yelling through his gag and was getting louder much to Walker's annoyance.

"I'm sorry but I don't believe this is about a book and I don't think you do either. I believe this is about the abuse, the abandonment and the lack of attention from your father." Walker clicked the gun and aimed at his head. _You know there used to be a time when that would actually scare me._

"That's enough," ordered Walker. The pain in his head was getting worse by the second, but Spencer had to tell Walker how much of an idiot he was.

"You know what the ridiculous thing is," Spencer almost had to laugh to keep from crying. "You have actually set up a paradigm where you need to be caught." _God you're an idiot this is so sad it's funny._ "Think about it if you get away with this than your father will never know that you did any of it." _It's so bright...so ungodly bright...please just end it._

"What is wrong with you?" snapped Walker watching him rub his eyes and grab his head.

"It's just very bright in here."

"Bright?"

"Please just dim the lights and I'll do anything you want," pleaded Spencer dropping to the floor. Julio's screaming was getting louder and Walker turned to Julio.

"Will you shut the hell up." Spencer saw a pipe on the floor and with a moment of clarity he picked up the pipe and hit Walker in the head just as Hotch, Morgan, Rossi and Cabrera came bursting in. Cabrera hauled Walker out while Morgan tended to Elian. Spencer got Julio off the floor.

"You heard me calling and that's why you came."

"Julio, I saw a photo of you in front of this house and that's how I found you."

"You don't believe that for a second." He took off a bracelet and put it in his hand.

"This will protect you...I don't need it anymore, but you do." Julio walked out of the house and Hotch came up to him.

"What do you need protecting from?"

"I have no idea." _Myself. _

…...

Spencer woke up the next morning and realized that Catherine wasn't in the bed and he couldn't remember hearing her come back in last night. He got up and headed into the living room. Catherine was asleep on the sofa fully dressed, a book about costuming from the 1950's on her chest. Spencer bent down next to her to wake her up.

"Morning," he signed.

"Morning." Catherine sat the book on the table and stretched.

"Why didn't you come to bed?"

"I didn't want to wake you up." Spencer sat down next to her.

"I should have told you I was going to see the doctor and I'm sorry I didn't."

"I don't keep things from you. Why do you keep things from me?"

"I don't know," he admitted and tried to ignore the dull ache starting.

"I love you and I understand there are certain things you can't tell me because of your job. But, if you...if this is going to work you can't keep things like this from me Spencer. "

"I know and I'm sorry," he said. She reached over and hugged him. He hugged her back hard. _I love you too and I'm so sorry. _"I'm going to see about getting a second opinion...there's something physically wrong with me Catherine and I don't know what do."

"You know even if we weren't married I would be here for you. It's going to be ok." She kissed him on the forehead and went to make coffee for them. Spencer sat down on the sofa for a minute and rubbed his head. _You bring the ghost home with you, they're spoiling your head and they're going to spoil your wife. _Spencer went into the kitchen and touched Catherine on her shoulder.

"I...I um...I miss you," he bent down and kissed her hard. His headache was starting to get worse and he ignored it. "Come back to bed." He pulled her closer to him, put his hands under her shirt on her sides and frowned. She had lost weight and he felt it, _the ghost spoil your wife._

"I miss you too," muttered Catherine. She kissed him back and let him take her back to their bedroom. She fell asleep on his chest afterwards and he got up and took some more medicine for his headache and went back to bed. He curled up next to her and drifted off to sleep.

The happiness of most people is not ruined by great catastrophes or fatal errors, but by the repetition of slowly destructive little things. Ernest Dimnet

Notes-Ep's used Corazon

Love it, hate it, review it.


	44. Chapter three part three

Chapter three part three

You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry. Author Unknown

"Mrs. Reid, can I ask you a question?" asked Savannah.

"You just asked me one, you can ask me another," signed Catherine with a grin. Her father used to do that to her when she was a kid. Savannah grinned and rolled her eyes.

"When Dr. Reid was courting you was he as annoying as Saul?" Catherine had to laugh. It was Savannah's birthday and Saul had gone out of his way to flirt with Savannah. He had bought her a dozen pink roses and followed her around the costume shop signing and singing various love songs. Catherine sent Saul out of the costume shop and to the scene shop to help paint just so they could get some work done. Savannah was taking the teasing from the other kids well and she had a huge grin on her face looking at the roses.

"I mean Saul is a nice guy and he's funny...but he's so darn annoying sometimes. I mean did he really have to follow me around singing 'Baby Boy'? Did Dr. Reid ever act like a jackass when you were dating because he thought it was cute?" signed Savannah.

"First of all...language young lady. Second of all...Dr. Reid and I had been friends since we were kids so he really didn't try to court me the way Saul is with you. Besides, do you really see Dr. Reid following me around singing. Even if I could hear me do you think he would do that?" Savannah laughed.

"So how did he win you over?"

"By just being who he was. I hate to break it to you Peaches, but Saul is just being himself so you just might have to take him as is," signed Catherine.

"I was afraid you were going to say that...hey are you ok Mrs. Reid you've been look a little pasty?" Catherine felt like she was coming down with either the flu or a cold, plus she hadn't been sleeping well. Spencer had gone to see two more doctors and had two more scans. Both scans had turned up nothing and they agreed that maybe it was psychosomatic and caused by stress. He refused to admit it and he wanted to see another doctor. Catherine had tentatively suggested that maybe he was stressed out.

"It's been stressful the past few months...JJ leaving, working with a new agent, the miscarriage..." before Catherine could go on he snapped at her.

"It's not stress!" he signed angrily. Catherine sighed, she decided to not add on the fact that the doctors at the his mother's hospital were calling about Diana's health, she wasn't responding to her old medication and they were changing her meds. That when they went home for Christmas people had been bugging them about having children and at that time they weren't having sex. Since his visit to the first doctor they had slept together a few times, but it was almost five weeks later and he was starting to get moody and distant again, both physically and emotionally.

"Well, I think we're finished for today. I hope you have a nice birthday day Savannah," signed Catherine. They put the dresses away and cleaned up the shop. Catherine went into her office and went to pick up her bag and felt a wave of nausea hit her. She sat down in a chair and took a sip of water she had on her desk. It didn't do anything for her and she threw up in the trash can. _I don't have time to be sick._ All the kids had been passing around some sort of flu bug and she was clearly it's newest victim. She took another drink of water and decided to head home.

…...

Spencer came into the apartment and cringed, he could hear Catherine was vomiting in the bathroom. He could handle blood, guts, rape scenes, brutal crime scenes, pretty much anything other than vomiting. He waited until he heard flushing before heading towards the bathroom. Catherine was resting her head on the tub and she looked very pale.

"They inflicted me," whined Catherine. He shook his head, all the kids at school had been sick and from the looks of her she had finally caved. He bent down next to her and touched her forehead.

"You have a fever. Come on, let's get you bed." Spencer got her into bed, she crawled under the covers and was out in seconds. Spencer frowned, she never got sick and whatever the kids were passing around must be bad. Than again she was also running herself ragged, if she wasn't teaching, she was working on the play or other school activities. _And when she's not doing that she's trying to take care of me. _He had set up another doctor's appointment for next month. _There's something wrong with me...I just don't know what. _Spencer brushed her hair back and frowned, she was burning up. He tucked the blankets around her, she whined and opened her eyes.

"Hey...they really got you sick," signed Spencer.

"We have dress rehearsal in three weeks, I don't have time for this," she signed.

"So how is the play going?" Spencer sat down next to her and let her put her head on shoulder. He felt bad, he had been so wrapped up in his own stuff that he really hadn't bothered to talk with her about anything.

"Saul might have worn Savannah down at last and he also wanted me to thank you again for helping with his reseach paper. He got an A." Saul had done an independent research project about the BAU and Spencer had sat down with him and did an interview about his work and how he got into the BAU.

"I just gave him information he was the one who did the work. So Project Georgia was successful." Catherine grinned.

"Her first day day in the drama group, Saul sat down next her and asked her if it hurt when she fell from Heaven...than he asked her if her legs hurt from running through his mind all day...she than threatened to sew his mouth shut with the sewing machine and a zig zag stitch. It was love at frist sight," signed Catherine. Spencer had to grin.

"I thought you were going to go to a movie?" signed Catherine. Spencer had sent her a text that he wanted to go and see a five hour Russian sci fi film. It wasn't sub titled and plus she hadn't been feeling good anyway so she told him to go.

"I was going to go, but I couldn't anyone to go with me. I asked Emily, but she opted to stay in with her cat instead." He looked down and noticed that Catherine had fallen asleep again on his arm. She still felt very warm and she pulled him close, it was a subconscious act of trying to hold on to him. Spencer bent and kissed her forehead. He knew that he had been acting distant and distracted with her again. _I know it's not fair to you. _Spencer laid down next to her, the way she had with him for so many nights and fell asleep next to her.

…...

Catherine had been able to fight off the sickness for another week, however when she finally did crash it was hard. Spencer had to call the school to let them know how sick she was. She had the bathroom door shut and the water running trying to cover the sounds of her throwing up. She came out of the bathroom when he hung up with the school. She was whiter than a sheet, he couldn't remember the last time she had kept a meal down and she was tired all the time.

"You need to stay home and if you're still throwing up when I get home you're going to the doctor." He touched her forehead. "You're still running a fever and you have been for almost four days now." She sighed and he made her get into bed.

"You're so nice to me," muttered Catherine as he tucked her in and sat her cell phone on the night stand.

"Promise me that if this gets worse you'll call me," signed Spencer. She never got sick and whatever this was more than just a twenty four hour bug that everyone else had gone through. He was really worried about her, if they hadn't been called in for a case he would have called in to stay home with her.

"I promise," she muttered drifting off to sleep. He shut the bedroom door and headed into work.

…...

"Are you ok?" asked Spencer sitting down across from Emily. They were taking a lunch break and she shrugged.

"I just haven't been sleeping well," admitted Emily. She had dark circles under her eyes and she seemed sort of frazzled.

"You're not getting sick too are you?" asked Spencer worried thinking about Catherine.

"No...just...little sad about my friend," said Emily picking at her salad.

"Lauren?" he asked. He had overheard her talking to someone and he heard her say something about Lauren Reynolds is dead. The tone in her voice sounded flat, maybe she was just shocked about her friend.

"Yeah. We...we used to be really close, but we just sort of drifted apart." Spencer took a bite of his sandwich. He had a feeling that Emily wanted to say more, but wasn't sure what to say.

"What was she like?" asked Spencer and Emily sort of grinned.

"She was fun...she lived on the wild side. She always talked me into doing the crazy stuff."

"So she was like 'the bad angel'?" Emily grinned again.

"You could say that...I knew that she was going to get me in trouble, but I couldn't help it." Spencer nodded.

"I think everyone has a friend like that. Someone who allows you to bring out a rebellious side and place blame on that all at the same time," said Spencer.

"Did you?" asked Emily.

"My friend Ethan was always one to cause a rebellious episode with either me or Catherine." Emily let out a little laugh. "What?"

"I'm sorry. I just can't imagine you or Catherine being rebellious. Well maybe Catherine would be rebellious, but you...nah." Spencer took another bite of his sandwich and shrugged.

"Ok...what would rebellious Reid do? Get a A- on a test." Emily noticed a faint hint of pink around the ears. She looked around and made sure everyone was busy before leaning in.

"What did you do Reid? Let's see, you grew up in Vegas...do you go to strip club or something when you were underaged?" she teased and noticed his ears were getting darker and she grinned. "Why Dr. Reid. It's always the quiet ones. Morgan would be proud. So is that all?"

"Yep," lied Spencer. He was happy to take her mind off her friend, but she was getting a little too close to something he had kept quiet about for years.

"Oh wait till I tell your wife," joked Emily and Spencer got up and tossed the rest of his lunch. "Wait a minute you're not telling the whole story...was Catherine...oh my god."

"It's why you never dare her to do anything?" Emily laughed.

"You're secret is safe with me. You are a naughty boy." Spencer's ears were beat red and Emily felt better for a nano second. _God you are just the kindest and sweetest person I've ever met in my whole life...that's another thing I love about you. If anything were to happen to you or Catherine because of my 'bad angel' I will never forgive myself._

…...

Spencer let himself into the apartment and saw that Catherine was asleep on the sofa. He bent down and touched her forehead, the fever seemed to be gone. He touched her shoulder and woke her up.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" he asked.

"Much better," she signed.

"You eat anything?"

"Some toast, soup, sick people food. Plenty of fluids and lots of sleep. I think I could go back in tomorrow," signed Catherine.

"No, you need to stay home and get some more rest. You were running a fever for almost five days, you hadn't kept a meal down in almost two days and you haven't been sleeping right. I think the substitute for your classes can handle another day and I'm sure that the kids doing the stage work will be fine." He sat down next to her. "Besides I actually have two days off and maybe we could relax for a little bit." She smiled and leaned against him.

"Dr. Reid are you telling me to play hooky? You are a naughty boy." He kissed the top of her head and they watched Fringe together until she fell asleep again. Spencer rubbed his eyes and felt the dull ache start in the back of his head again. _Damn it._

…...

Catherine waited another week until Spencer was out of town on a case before picking up three pregnancy tests. _Three is a good number...I'm not dealing with another false positive test, it's like an experiment. It's making sure the results are all the same._ She sat the tests on the counter and the clerk gave her a look, but Catherine said nothing. _Six weeks how the hell did I not notice I was six weeks late...so damn stupid. I've just been so busy I didn't even realize that I was late. Flu...morning/afternoon/and evening sickness, tired all the time, the fever...so stupid._

She went home, took the first test and ended up with something that looked like a line and a dash. _What the hell does that even mean! Two lines for pregnant and one for not. Figures I get a broken test._ She threw it in the trash and took the second test- positive and the third test was also positive. She sat down on the edge of the tub and felt torn between absolute happiness and mind numbing fear. It had been almost seven months since she lost the first baby. She called her doctor this morning, but he couldn't see her until the end of the week. She wanted to confirm this with the doctor before she told Spencer. She didn't want to stress him out anymore than he already was. She buried the test in the bathroom trash and went to make herself some tea. Her hands were shaking and she forced herself to take a deep breath. _It's going to be ok this time...it's going to be ok this time._ She saw the doorbell light come on and she went to get the door. No one was there, but a thing of purple irises were there in bunch. She didn't see anyone in the hall and there was no card attached to the flowers. Spencer hardly ever got her flowers and if he did it would have been white tulips. _Ok...finders keepers._ She picked them up and brought them in the apartment. She was putting them in vase when Spencer came into the apartment carrying a keyboard.

"Ok. Do I even ask?" signed Catherine. He sat the keyboard down and wondered how he would start to explain this.

"It's a long story. Where did those come from?" Spencer pointed at the flowers and Catherine shrugged.

"Could be from a student or a wrong address. Mine now. Story time." signed Catherine pointing at the keyboard. Spencer motioned for her to follow him into the office so he could set up the keyboard. She sat down on the floor with him as he set it up and he explained to her about Sammy. She might not be able to hear his voice, but she could see how excited he was about being able to reach out and help this child that few people could understand. _He took his hand, a child who can't touch reached out for him._

"He finally hugged his mother, he had never returned any of her hugs and yet he hugged her first." He sat the board up and stood up. "It's just sad that his father wasn't there to witness it," he signed. Spencer pulled up a chair and motioned for her to pull up a chair. Catherine grabbed a chair and sat next to him.

"In his later years as his hearing got worse, Beethoven used more middle and low frequency notes. By the time he went competely Deaf he went back to using higher frequency notes," signed Spencer. He took her hand and had her play one of the keys so she could feel the vibrations and than another key so she could feel the difference. Spencer got behind her and guided her through a song that Sammy had taught him. Catherine couldn't stop smiling. _This is why I fell in love with you._ He didn't have to do this, he did it because he wanted to. _I can see you teaching our kids this way._ Catherine turned around in her chair and kissed him slowly.

"What was that for?" he asked and she just shook her and fiddled with his tie.

"You ask very dumb questions sometimes," she signed and she kissed him again. She wanted to tell him right than, but she wanted to be sure before getting their hopes up again.

"I missed you too," signed Spener fiddling with her hair before kissing her.

…...

"Well someone had a good night," teased Morgan as Spencer added more sugar to his coffee.

"What makes you say that?" he asked sipping his coffee.

"Can you account for what is causing that shit eating grin than?"

"Wow I never I would see the day when you would be jealous of me," mocked Spencer.

"Don't flatter yourself." They sat down and Emily came in ten minutes late and she looked tired.

"Morning," she muttered and sat down.

"Morning," said Spencer. Garcia came into the bull pen grinning and carrying a thing of purple irises.

"Where did you get those?" asked Morgan.

"Not from you?" asked Garcia confused.

"I would have sent you roses," said Morgan.

"Someone sent Catherine a bunch of those too last night," said Spencer feeling the hair on the back of his neck stand up for no reason. Spencer had his back to Emily and Morgan was focused on Garcia so they all missed how pale she got and she got up and went to the restroom. _I should have shot him...why didn't I shoot him last night?_

"_So tell me does the lovely Penelope know the truth about you? Or is she too busy watching movies with Derek to care? Here you are all alone, while Aaron sits at home with his son. And why didn't Dave and Ashely invite you to their game night...maybe they thought you would be riding the Metro home with Dr. Reid and his wife. Oh those two have some quirks...I just watched her buy three pregnancy tests. I do hope she gets good news." Ian grinned at her and Emily felt the gun start to shake in her hand._

_ "Come near my team or their familes and I will end you," she spat. Jack was all Aaron had left, the had put a stop to whatever they had when he took custody of Jack. It was too soon for him to be dealing with anyone that could be seen as taking over the role of his mother. She agreed and it had been a long year apart, but even she had Jack's best interest at heart. She didn't know that Catherine and Reid had been trying for another child and the thought that Ian had been so close to her made her blood boil. _

_ "I have no quarrel with them. How long that remends the case depends on you. They're innocent, you're not."_

_ "I was doing my job." Making you believe that I loved you and hating myself when I started to actually feel something for you._

_ "Oh I think you did a little more than that." Romantic weekends in Rome, beaches in Spain and on your boat that we took to Holland. Maybe it was more than needed...than again I was always willing to go above and beyond the call of duty._

_ "You took the only thing that mattered to me so I'm going to take the only thing that matters to you. Your life." Ian laid an old match book on the table and walked away leaving her fearing for what hell she had unknowingly brought home with her._

"Are you ok?" asked Spencer.

"Just jealous of Garcia's and Catherine's secret boyfriends. How is she?"

"She finally got over the flu and went back to work earlier this week. She's looking forward to you coming with her in a few weeks to New York." She agreed to go with Catherine and help her chaperon her Senior French class on an overnight field trip to an art exhibit and a French restaurant.

"Yeah. Me too," said Emily. She didn't want to bring up what Ian had told her in case Catherine hadn't told him yet. _God they could be pregnant and that son of bitch actually threatened her and she doesn't even know him. None of them do._

"You sure you're ok?" asked Spencer. She looked sick and tired like Catherine had before she crashed.

"Just a little under the weather and lack of sleep. I just need to get some rest and I'll be alright." Spencer went back to his paperwork, but he picked up a thing of OJ and soup for Emily during his lunch break and she just smiled at him.

_And this is why everyone loves you._

Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted. Paul Pearshall 

Notes-Ep's used-Today I do and Coda.

Studies show that Beethoven did use lower notes when he started lose his hearing, but when he went Deaf he went back to using the higher notes from his earlier works.


	45. Chapter three part four

Chapter three part four

We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future. George Bernard Shaw 

"Do you think you meet for a late lunch?" asked Catherine sipping her juice. She had her doctor's appointment this morning and was hoping for a good answer. Spencer took a bite of his toast and nodded.

"I think I can. You're in a good mood this morning," signed Spencer. Catherine bent down and kissed him.

"And after last night why wouldn't I be in a good mood," signed Catherine. Spencer felt himself turn a little pink and headed into the bedroom to finish getting ready. He was buttoning his sweater when he heard the water turn on in the bathroom and the sounds of retching. _Is she getting sick again? _Catherine came out of the bathroom a few moments later and Spencer saw that she looked at little flushed.

"Catherine are you ok?" He reached out and touched her forehead. "You don't feel warm."

"I just had something yesterday that didn't agree. I'm fine." She really wanted to tell him that it was most likely just morning sickness, but she wanted to make sure everything was going to be ok before she told him. Spencer bent down and kissed her forehead.

"Are you sure?" he asked. The kids were still passing something around and she had just gotten over being sick and really didn't want her relapsing.

"You know that those degrees are PhD's and not MD's. I'm fine and I won't go to that buffet place near the school again I promise," signed Catherine with a small smile. Spencer finished getting ready and Catherine started getting her stuff around.

"So lunch at two?" asked Catherine.

"Two," agreed Spencer and he left to catch the train, the second he left she ran to bathroom and started throwing up again. _Oh sweet Jesus this sucks...but it's going to be worth it though._

…...

Spencer knew by eleven that he would not be making his two o'clock lunch date with Catherine and sent her a text telling her so and that he was sorry. They had just gotten a very strange cases with five dead so far in house fires. At least that's how they looked on the surface, one family had been shot before the fire and the others looked to have died in the fire. Emily and Rossi had gone to look at one of the crime scenes, Hotch and Morgan went to look at the bodies and that left him, Seaver and Garcia to find a paper trail linking the families. So far they weren't turning up a lot of anything, on the surface they appeared to be normal families.

Spencer started to feel that tingling behind his eyes and wanted to swear. He had gone almost three days without one and now he could feel the starts of one. _Focus._ He turned his attention back to the timeline and noticed something.

"Considering the time these fires occurred, the habitual habits of these families their bodies were in conflict with where they should be," said Spencer.

"The Master bedroom," said Seaver. Spencer explained that normally the mother would be downstairs helping the son with his homework and the the other family was out of town a lot and were supposed to be leaving for a dinner party when they were killed.

"What are the chances that these victims are random?" asked Garcia.

"On the surface they appear random, but something should tie them together," said Spencer. He and Seaver divided up the paperwork, she took the credit card statements and he took the phone records. Spencer went back to his desk and started looking over the last two months of phone calls: both land line and cell of both families. The tingling behind his eyes started to get worse and he reached into his drawer and took three aspirin for the pain. He had his next appointment moved up to next week and hoped that maybe this time he would get some answers. His own phone chimed that Catherine had texted him back that she understood and hoped to see him for dinner.

Spencer turned back to phone records and wanted to tear his hair out because he couldn't seem to find what he was looking for. _It would also give you something else to focus on other than the pain in your head._ He was so wrapped up in these thoughts that when Emily threw her purse down it caused him to jump.

"I'm sorry," said Emily looking embarrassed.

"Oh I didn't know you were there," he said and went back to the file.

"Are you ok?" asked Emily.

"Yeah...I'm sure that these victims overlap somehow and Garcia pulled there phone numbers, but I can't find anything," he said. Emily frowned looking at him.

"You just jumped." She had noticed that for the past few weeks Spencer had been coming in tired and at times a bit moody. The dark circles under his eyes were a bit darker and he seemed quiet. Spencer sat down the file and looked at Emily. Since JJ had left he found himself confiding in Emily about work stuff and the same could be said for her. _She confided in you about her friend Lauren...she won't tell anyone._

"I've been having these really intense headaches lately." Emily's frown got deeper and her eyes filled with worried.

"Have you seen a doctor?" _If he hasn't it's typical male stubborness and if Catherine hasn't dragged him to see a doctor I will, _thought Emily.

"Yeah a few and none of them have been able to figure it out," he heard the bitterness and frustration come out in his voice. _It's not fair._ At this point he was almost wishing they would find a tumor just to prove to everyone that it wasn't just him.

"Oh...I'm sorry. Does anyone know?" asked Emily.

"Other than Catherine?" asked Spencer and she nodded. "You."

"I won't tell anyone." The fact that he told her spoke volumes to Emily. This was a man who tried very hard to keep his personal life and this job away from each other as much as possible. Even going as far as not wearing his wedding ring to crime scenes and during interviews. Unlike Hotch who had worn his until the day the divorce was final. When she asked him why he did that he shrugged.

_"I don't want them to find another weakness...something to use to throw me off balance. I used to see Un-subs look at Hotch's ring and make horrible remarks about Haley and what they would do to her if they got a chance. I don't want them saying those things about Catherine,"_ he admitted. It was his way of protecting the one normal thing in his life. Emily knew that Reid didn't open up and trust a lot of people, gaining his trust was a lot of work but she knew that she would never find anyone as loyal or caring. _Well maybe Garcia._

"I know...it's just that they'll worry. I'm not that you're not going to worry, but they'll just make me feel like a baby," he said trying to laugh it off. Emily gave him a small smile, they all treated him like the kid brother they never had and sometimes it did come off as babying. _JJ might have been the glue that held us together, but you bring out something in us that I still can't explain, _ thought Emily.

"I do," said Emily.

"How about you?" he asked.

"I'm good," she lied and he gave a her look.

"You've been picking your nails again." Emily looked down at her hands and frowned. They were almost raw from how much she had been digging at the.

"Yeah," she admitted. _His kid is never going to be able to lie to him._

"You only do that when you're stressed."

"It's a horrible habit. I'm sure you have a few," she teased.

"You already know that I snore and talk in my sleep," he muttered.

"That's why you married Catherine. She can't hear you muttering about the clowns."

"They are freaky," he turned back to file and the thing he had been missing was finally staring him in the face.

"Ah...found it. This means I'll be missing dinner too," he said with a shrug and Emily watched him send a text. "You coming?"

"I'll be there in a minute." Emily watched him get up and sprint up the stairs to the meeting room. It was clear that Catherine hadn't told him yet and than again who knows what the home test had told her. _Damn you Ian...you lay a hand on any of them..._

…...

"This little speck here...about the size of a jellybean...I'm happy to inform you Mrs. Reid is your future son or daughter," said/signed the Dr. Garmin. They had finished her running her lab work and they confirmed that she was about six or seven weeks pregnant.

"Everything looks ok...the pregnancy seems to have attached itself properly this time." She had told him about her miscarriage seven months ago and her fear that this was going to be a repeat of what happened last summer. He was doing an ultrasound now to make sure that everything was where it was supposed to be.

"So you think it's going to carry full term?" she asked. Garmin turned off the ultrasound and handed Catherine a moist towel to wipe the gel off her stomach.

"You are at a slightly higher risk for complications, but if we watch you closely and monitor any problems that arise quickly you should be perfectly fine. You're young and healthy. If possible I would like a complete medical history from the father the next time you come in. I'm well aware of your Deafness and if you want any genetic testing it can be done," said/signed Garmin. "Congratulations."

He gave her a copy of the ultrasound and even circled the little speck so she could point it out. They set up an appointment for three weeks from now and he sent her on her way with a bunch of prenatal vitamins and something to help with the morning sickness. Catherine couldn't stop smiling she was that happy. _Oh my god...we're having a baby!_ Spencer had texted her that he would most likely be missing dinner due to a case that was just getting more complexed by the second. She didn't care when he got home because when he did she was going to rock his world.

…...

Catherine had always told him that he should have taken more art classes, she found one of his notebooks covered in doodles from cover to cover. _These are really good...why don't you draw more? _Spencer never considered it more than just a passing hobby, something to help him focus sometimes. Right now though he was wondering why he hadn't since it would have made this task a lot easier. Morgan and Emily had gone to talk with the person who had tried to call both families after their deaths. Only to be nearly gunned down by a team of some sort. Emily had wounded one of the members and his team had finished the job for her. They shot him in the head and again through the wrist, a countermeasure to erase a tatoo that could id him. Spencer had several balls of paper tossed on his desk or rejected drawings. Right now his sixth drawing felt right. _They were European hit team...most likely Irish. _Morgan and Emily came into the bull pen, for two people that had almost been shot to the death they seem ok and more determined than ever to put a stop to this.

"Reid tell me you have something?" asked Morgan.

"The damage was pretty extensive, but luckily some of the tatoo reminded." He turned back to the drawing and started to shade it in when Garica came in with news that changed everything about the case. The journalist who wrote the first story worked for The Gazette and the paper had ties to a company called CWS-Clearwater Securities and that all three victims had worked in the past for CWS. Spencer finished his drawing and felt this time it was right. A curly four left clover with the stem forming into a small V at the bottom. CWS had worked with their government and several other foregin governments in the past and they had ties with counter-terrorism.

"So what's our next move?" asked Spencer.

"CWS has some explaining to do," said Hotch. Hotch, Morgan, Rossi and Emily head for the SCIF and now he just had to wait for what they would do next. He went to get some coffee and Garcia came up next to him and started pouring herself a cup.

"Has Emily been acting weird with you?"

"Define weird?"

"Moody...snapish...hiding something." Spencer started dumping sugar into his coffee. Emily must not have told her about Lauren's passing and since she was keeping his secret he agreed to keep her's.

"Well I think getting shot at would cause one to be moody and snapish. It's just been a lot of stressful cases back to back with little rest and this one takes the cake."

"Really! She's been this way for weeks...I swear when I find out what is causing this I will hunt him to the ends of the world."

"Just because Catherine was ok with you stalking her doesn't mean everyone else will be."

"You stalk someone one time and they never let you forget it," she huffed and walked away. Spencer's cell phone rang and Hotch was on the other end.

"Reid I need you to look into a man called Ian Doyle."

…...

They had to work overnight. In the morning, Emily watched Spencer send a text to Catherine before going back to his hunt for pictures on the raid at Ian's Villa. She knew it was only a matter of time Reid found the sedan pictures from that day and when he did he was going to see her there. She went upstairs and overheard Hotch talking to Jack.

"Well...this bad guy is just playing hide and seek with us Jack. Yeah...I always find them. Ok, I love you too." Emily ducked into a bathroom stall and wiped her eyes. She was keeping them from their families because of the horrible choices she had years ago with a man that she thought she could save. _He had a family...I saved him though. Despite the horrible things I did I saved that child's life and he's the only reason I can sleep at night some times. _Emily couldn't believe that she had been lied too and that Ian had been sent to North Korea and a prision that was a step above hell in many ways. _You sent him there...you did that._ She heard someone come into the bathroom, go into the stall next to her and the sounds of vomiting. _The flu is going around. _Emily came out of her stall and the person in the stall next to her came out, it was Catherine wiping her mouth. She was carrying a bag of clothes for Spencer. He must have sent her text asking her to bring him stuff. Catherine looked at her and shrugged.

"You know that's what I get for eating cheap sushi last night," signed Catherine and she went to the sink and washed her mouth out.

"Well we'll have to sneak away from the kids and get some good sushi when we go to New York," signed Emily. Emily watched Catherine's smile falter for a minute and than come back.

"Yeah I guess we will," signed Catherine. "Do you need me to get anything for you?"

"No...I'm good. Thank you though," Catherine shouldered Spencer's bag and left the restroom. Emily splashed some cold water on her face and tried to calm herself down. _She was lying to me just now...she's pregnant...oh my god. _Emily walked back into the bull pen and watched Catherine sit Spencer's bag down and went to leave when Spencer came back in sitting a stack of file down on his desk. Spencer gave her a tired smile and thanked her for bring him some extra clothes.

"Hey are you ok? You look tired," signed Spencer.

"Just a lot going on. Thank god it's Saturday and we don't have rehearsal so I'm going to take a nap and be lazy for the both of us. I love you ok," signed Catherine. Emily watched him take a quick look around and kissed her forehead.

"I'm hoping to see you by tonight or tomorrow morning ok." She said goodbye and Spencer watched her leave. Emily headed upstairs to talk with Hotch and Rossi about their plan of action when Morgan came in and said that Metro PD was being held up trying to process a double homicide near K Street and Emily felt her heart stop..._Tsia I sent her there because I thought it would keep her safe and oh god please no. _She went with Morgan to K street and there slumped in the hallway was Tsia with a single gunshot wound to head and Emily felt bile rise in her throat and she excused herself. She hadn't seen Tsia in years and she wished she had reached out sooner to see her before Ian came back in her life and took her away. _It could have been Garcia, Morgan, or Reid...oh god how stupid am I to think I could stop this? I'm making it worse. _

Emily made Morgan stop by her place and she changed quickly and cleaned out of safe. She fished out the necklace Ian had given her years ago and kicked herself for keeping it. _I thought I loved you. When I see Spencer and Catherine, Will and JJ, Penny and Kevin...I thought I could have had that with you...we could have had that and I thought I could change you, but I was a bigger fool than I thought. _Emily took the necklace, threw it in the toilet and flushed it. They headed back to the BAU and she half listened to Hotch giving the profile. She looked at Hotch and thought back to the first time she met him and thought he was such an ass, she was wrong though. _Even though we can't be together...a part of me is still going to be in love with you._ She looked over at Rossi and thought about all the times he made her smile and pushed her to be better at the job. She spotted Seaver and it reminded her of how young and driven she once was and hoped that she would never lose that drive, but that she would stop before she hurt herself or someone else. Morgan turned at looked at her.

"You ok?"

"Yeah." He turned back and she shook her head. _Morgan...you act like a ladies man, but deep down you're a momma's boy and a very good friend, I don't know what I did to deserve you in this life. _She looked over and saw Garcia sitting with Seaver. _Garcia...my own ray of sunshine in the darkness. You make everyone around you feel warm and safe and loved, thank you for that. _Emily turned and saw Spencer sitting on the desk and she wanted so badly to go and congratulate him even though he didn't know yet. _You and Catherine are going to be amazing parents. You two are kind, brilliant, and just all around wonderful people. I know you don't think you're good with people Reid, but trust me you are very good with people, you show people compassion that at times don't deserve it...I'm sorry I might not be here to see it._

Emily turned and walked at the BAU for what she knew in heart would be the last time. _He wants me and I won't let anyone else get hurt for me._

God has entrusted me with myself. Epictetus 

Notes-Ep's used-Valhalla.

I know this was more Emily POV, but it sets up what happens next. Love it, Hate it, Review it...

I hope everyone had an awesome holiday!


	46. Chapter three part five

Chapter three part five

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it. Helen Rowland 

"Ok...this looks good," signed Catherine studying the dress on Julia, the girl who was playing Anita. "Is it too tight? Can you move in it?"

"It's perfect. I can't take this with me once the show is finished?" she asked studying herself in the mirror. Savannah came into the dressing room and blushed at the compliment.

"If you talk to Savannah, she can make you one just like it. She was in charge of your dress. Ok...off you go," signed Catherine. Savannah turned a faint shade of pink and Julia went to change and Catherine checked her off the list. Julia handed her dress off to Savannah and said good night.

"I think we're done for the day," signed Savannah hanging up the dress.

"You know...there is a community theater looking for costume shop workers for the summer. If you want we can work on getting you a portfolio started so you can apply for a spot," signed Catherine. Savannah was very good at costuming and she was only a junior. So she still had a year before applying to college, but getting a portfolio started now would help her. Savannah turned pink again.

"You think I'm that good?" she asked. Catherine shook her head. She was a sweet girl who had just moved here at the start of the school year. So far Saul was one of the few people who she had gotten close too. Catherine held up Anita's dress and shrugged.

"If Julia doesn't try to sneak this dress out of here once the show is done I will give Saul ten extra credit points on his final exam," signed Catherine teasing her. Savannah blushed even harder and twisted a strand of her long blond hair.

"I...have some examples at home that might be good for a portfolio...some formal dresses and stuff."

"Bring them in and we'll photograph them and start a portfolio for you. I can write you a recommendation and so can Mr. Jackson. I think this would be something really good for you," signed Catherine.

"Thanks Mrs. Reid. I'll see you tomorrow afternoon," signed Savannah, picking up her backpack and leaving the shop. Catherine finished picking up the shop and checked her phone again, she still had no missed calls or texts from Spencer and she was starting to worry. He sent her a text Saturday afternoon that he had to go to Boston and that he couldn't explain why. That he wouldn't be able to text her until the case was finished. Now it was Monday afternoon, she had no idea what was going on and she was starting to get even more freaked out. She decided that if she didn't hear anything by tonight she would text him despite his wishes that she wouldn't. Catherine shook her head and took a deep breath trying to fight off a wave of nausea. She had read that for some woman, morning sickness would go onto until week fourteen and she didn't know if she could take seven more weeks of this. _I really love you, but can you ease up on making me throw up,_ thought Catherine picking up her own bag and leaving the shop.

When she got home and let herself in she saw Spencer's away bag was on the floor. _Scares me half to death and he's home. _Catherine sat her bag down and went towards the bedroom and office. He wasn't in the bedroom or bathroom and the office door was shut. When she went to open it she found it locked. She knocked on the door.

"Spencer..." she called and tried the knob again. _He never locks the door...what is going on?_ She was worried that maybe he was hurt and he couldn't open the door. She knocked again and called his name. Spencer opened the door and his appearance took her back. His eyes were blood shot and the circles under his eyes were darker than ever. It looked like he had slept in his clothes and he was so pale he was almost a ghost.

"Oh my god...what happened?" She had no idea what his case had been, but it was clearly bad considering the state he was in. He was looking at her, but it was like he couldn't see her. Catherine reached up and touched his shoulder and he broke down in sobs. Spencer started to fall and Catherine caught him and they sat in the hallway together while he cried. _What the hell happened!_ Catherine touched his face and made him look at her.

"Tell me what happened?"

"Emily...Emily...she's...she's dead," he signed. Catherine felt like every part of her body had gone numb and tears sprang to her eyes.

"What?" she asked out loud. It felt like she had been punched in gut and another wave of nausea hit her hard. She fought it back and she asked him again what had happened. He couldn't answer and he just sobbed. _Emily...how...why..._thought Catherine. Spencer wiped his eyes and looked at Catherine. She was also crying and she wrapped her arms around her midsection. He wanted to reach out, hug her and tell her everything that had happened since he left Saturday and he couldn't. _I don't want to feel anything and I know if I tell her than I'll feel it all over again. We failed..._

…...

The meeting had ended and the other branches had gone back to their offices to work on their own hunt for Ian Doyle. They were studying a list people who had gone undercover to catch Doyle. It was Garcia who noticed something was off first, she pointed out that the list Emily had given them was missing a name.

"So it's a person who's cover was L. R," said Hotch referring to the L.R initials all the spies had used. _Lauren Reynolds...Lauren Reynolds...she was my friend._

"Lauren Reynolds is dead," Spencer said out loud.

"What?" asked Hotch looking at him confused.

"Lauren Reynolds is dead...Prentiss said that on a phone call seventeen days ago. But, her tone wasn't surprise or grief it was like a mantra. Like she was reminding herself. L.R- Lauren Reynolds," said Spencer wanting to kick himself. He thought that maybe she was shocked and trying to keep calm. _Why didn't I think about it sooner...I didn't have a reason too really._

"If Prentiss's name is on that list, than she's on Doyle's," said Seaver. Hotch was already calling Emily's cell phone. When they didn't see her after the meeting they figured maybe she had snuck away to take a quick nap, get something to eat or was speaking with one of her contacts from Interpol. When Hotch opened her desk drawer, they found her badge,gun and cell phone.

"She left her badge and gun that doesn't make sense," said Morgan.

"Why run? We're her family...we can help," said Spencer trying to stay calm himself.

"Doyle is killing families. She's not married, not close to relatives, he was ready to wipe us out," said Rossi. The looks on Morgan and Garcia's faces spoke volumes and Spencer felt the hair on his neck stand up. "She ran to protect us," said Rossi.

Spencer was now fighting a wave on panic. Emily had ran right into the arms of killer to save them, she had been stressed out and on edge for the past month and when he was confiding in her she was holding back and he hated to think that he might have played a part in her running to protect the team. _I told her about the head aches, she knew about Catherine's miscarriage, and I didn't know anything about her._

"We have to find her," said Garcia near tears.

"She's a trained spy and she doesn't want to be found," said Rossi.

"She knows all our tricks and we don't know any of her's," said Morgan.

"Well than how do we find her?" asked Garcia pulling on her necklace. _God I thought she was hiding a boyfriend or a fling! She was trying to save us from a psycho!_

"Here's how...Ian Doyle is our Un-sub and Prentiss is our victim. We profile their behavior and we treat it like any other case," ordered Hotch tacking Emily's badge on the board. Spencer hated it that they were calling her a victim. _She's nobody victim. _"Because terrorism isn't an area we specialize in, I reached out to an expert from the State Department and who might be able to shed some light on Prentiss's past."

"Who?" asked Spencer. Hotch nodded towards the door, they turned and looked. There stood the one person outside of Catherine that knew him the best. _JJ_.

"Let's get to work," said JJ. Garcia almost pushed him out of the way to hug JJ. They had seen her on and off outside of work for the past couple of months. It was hard, but they all tried for dinner once a month and taking Henry for an outing. JJ hugged Garcia quickly.

"Of course we met this way," said Garcia wiping her eyes.

"We're going to bring her home," said JJ. They went up to the meeting room and JJ started to fill them in on a part of Emily's life they had no clue about.

"Considering the shadowy nature of terrorist cells they utilized a skill we don't-Infiltration," explained JJ.

"Who was undercover with Doyle?" asked Spencer.

"Emily," said JJ confirming his own thoughts. Looking back she seemed jumpy when he told her that he was looking for footage on the day of his arrest. _She knew that she would be in those pictures._ Sure enough the images that he had been looking for, JJ had them already and blew them up so they could see a much younger Emily being taken into custody.

"Look at how she's dressed," said Morgan studying the print outs of the pictures. "She seems really comfortable there." Spencer looked at the photos and it was the flowers that caught his attention. They were irises...the same type that both Catherine and Garcia had gotten. _He threatened them, not directly but enough for Emily to know that he was watching and knew who she was closest too. _

"How close did she get to Doyle as part of her covered?" asked Hotch. Spencer noticed that his boss appeared calm on the surface, but he could see how clenched his jaw was. _We're all worried. _JJ sighed.

"All research done on Doyle also included his past romantic relationships...Emily was his type." Spencer saw that Morgan's hands on the photos started to shake and even Spencer felt his stomach turn at the thought of Emily having an intimate relationship with a monster like Doyle.

"Garcia pull all of Emily's old numbers and call them. Reid, Seaver-I know it's a long shot but, try pulling Emily's bank and credit card records for the past two days and see if she made any large withdrawals or bought any plane tickets. Rossi, Morgan-Go to Emily's apartment and see if she left anything behind," said Hotch. They broke into their groups and JJ stopped him before he could go downstairs

"Spence...I know what your thinking and..." Spencer cut her off.

"I trusted her JJ...she could have trusted me...us. We could have protected her from Doyle and we still would have cared about the same even if she had a romantic relationship with him. It's just...why didn't she trust us JJ?" JJ shook her head and hugged him.

"It's not that she didn't trust us...it's because she loves us that she ran."

…...

Catherine was barely able to get Spencer up and into the bedroom so he could lay down. She laid down next to him, hugged him while he cried for hours and cried with him. He wouldn't hug her back though and he had his back to her so they really couldn't talk. Spencer soon fell asleep and Catherine stayed in the bed with him. She put a hand over her stomach and wanted to start crying again, one of her best friends would never know she was pregnant. _We're not going to go shopping again, or watch bad movies, we're not going to stand outside Tiffany's and have donuts like we planned, I wanted her to be the Godmother of this baby...it's not fair._ Catherine looked over at Spencer's back and realized that there was no way she could tell him about being pregnant now. They had just lost their best friend and she needed to take care of him right now.

Spencer was pretending to be asleep. He heard Catherine start to cry to herself next to him and instead of reaching out and comforting her they way she had tried to with him, he closed his eyes tighter and dug his nails into his hands. He didn't want to feel anything and it was overwhelming how much this hurt. It physically hurt. All the times they had been in danger, all the cases and all the people they saved...they always seemed to lose each other. _Elle, Gideon, Haley, JJ...now Emily. We were so close...and she slipped away just like the others._

…...

The way they waited in the waited room revealed a great deal about themselves. Rossi and Ashley sat together. Ashley had pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on her knees, she was trying to disappear. Rossi reached over and took her hand. Hotch and Morgan sat apart, but were as still as statues. Garcia pulled out a notebook and started drawing. Spencer paced and when he did sit he bounced his knee up and now. He debated texting Catherine, than again she only knew that he was here on a case and not about Emily yet. _What could she do anyway...pace with me?_ Spencer took his ring out of his pocket, put it back on and started twisting it nervously on his finger.

They had found Emily, she had been badly beaten and stabbed with a wooden spike. Morgan had found her and kept her half awake until the medics came. Now she was in surgery and all they could do was wait. Doyle had gotten away and who knows if they would ever catch him again. They finally figured out why Doyle had hated Emily and the other so much that he started killing families, he thought his son was dead. Emily had been the only one to know about the boy and she had faked his death and the death of his nanny to save them both.

Spencer stared at the floor and thought about when Emily got of surgery he was going to watch her like a hawk. He had watched Elle and Gideon slip away because this job got to be too much and they couldn't do it anymore. JJ had just gone back to see the doctors for an update. He knew that she might be moody and distant at first, she might put on a brave face and hid behind the 'I'm fine' but he would be there for her. Emily was family and families take care of each other.

JJ came back into the waiting room and the look on her face was one of someone who had just been hurt in some unknown way and she was trying not to cry.

"No," muttered Garcia shaking her head. JJ took a deep breath.

"She never made it off the table." Spencer had to see her, he had to see for himself that she was really gone and he got up and went to walk pass JJ to find her when she stopped him. "Spence..."

"I didn't get a chance to say goodbye." _I never do...my dad, Elle, Gideon, Emily...I don't even get a chance to know sometimes before they're gone._ His mind had drifted back to the fact that if they hadn't miscarried, Catherine would be seven months pregnant right now..._I want to say goodbye at least once._ JJ reached up and hugged him. He couldn't help it and he started to cry on JJ shoulder. He heard Garcia behind him crying and Morgan trying to calm her. JJ shushed him and hugged him tight.

"I need to talk to Hotch," she whispered and she gave him one final tight hug before stepping away to talk to Hotch. Spencer wiped his eyes and felt like something inside him was broken. Emily was gone and there was nothing they could do now...they had failed. She was gone and her killer was free.

…...

Catherine noticed her dress was a little tight in the midsection and she was torn between being upset with herself for being concerned about such a silly thing at this moment and wondering how long she would be able to hide her pregnancy from everyone. Spencer was getting dressed and Catherine took her prenatal vitamins and the pill for morning sickness in the bathroom. She hoped it worked, because she had no desire to come up with a lie about why she was throwing up. _I told Emily it was because of bad sushi...I wish I could have told her the truth._ She tossed the bottles back in her make up bag and finished getting ready. Catherine came back into the bedroom and saw Spencer was putting on his tie. Spencer looked over at her and she saw that his eyes were already filling with tears. Catherine went to touch his shoulder, he quickly wiped his eyes and finished with his tie.

"Are you ready?" he asked. His signing was quick and sloppy. Catherine nodded and he went to grab his shoes. He wasn't talking to her and when he did it was quick and distant. Catherine fought back her own tears, some were for Emily and some were for Spencer. He was blaming himself and he was closing himself off again. She fiddled with her ring and she started to wonder how long she would be able to wear it before she gained all the weight. _I miss her too..._ She put on a pair of flats and went out to the living room. Spencer didn't say anything to her on the drive to the funeral and now she couldn't figure out why she wanted to cry.

They pulled up to the church and he frowned seeing the crowd and Catherine could see why. Catherine recognized the BAU group and some other agents, but the bulk of the crowd was people that Emily's mother knew. Emily's mother had barely made it home yesterday and that left the planning of the funeral up the members of the BAU and the cleaning of her apartment had also been left to them. Garcia had boxed up some pictures and other personal effects to give to her mother and she didn't even really thank them for any of time or work they did. He parked the car and Catherine follow him into the church, she reached out to take his hand and he shoved them in his pockets and walked into the church. Catherine wiped her eyes quickly and went inside behind him, she saw him with JJ and Will.

For the past three nights, Spencer had gone over to JJ's house to talk with her. Catherine fought another wave of tears. A part of her was relieved that at least he was talking to someone and another part of her was upset and hurt that he wouldn't talk to her or at times even look at her when he was home. Will spotted her and stepped away from JJ and Spencer.

"Hey," Will bent down and hugged her, she hugged him back and wiped her eyes. "How you holding up?" asked Will. Catherine shrugged, she didn't know what to say and she knew what she couldn't say.

"I've had better weeks," she signed. Will gave her a sad little smile.

"I know the feeling Cheri," he signed. They took their seats for the start of service and when Catherine reached over to take Spencer's hand he held it loosely in his. It was like he didn't want to be near her. Catherine started crying again, for her lost best friend, her husband and for the unborn child that she was now hiding from him because she didn't know how to tell him. _He won't even talk to me about dealing with Emily...how is he going to deal with this?_

…...

The coffin was heavy. Spencer carried his side and Morgan was across from him. Rossi, Hotch were in the middle and Kevin and Will were bringing up the back. His head hurt and the sunny day wasn't helping. _This isn't fair...it isn't fair._ He barely heard what the preacher was saying and felt Catherine's hand on his arm and he wished very selfishly that she would leave him alone. _Emily was her friend too and she misses her too...she doesn't understand though. We could have helped and we failed._ He couldn't talk to Catherine because she wouldn't understand and he couldn't look at her because he didn't want to see how hurt she was. That he couldn't comfort her the way she tried with him and that he was failure that couldn't even protect his team mate. That Doyle was still on the loose and that they couldn't find him. That he wanted a needle full of Dulidad so badly that his arm itched because he wanted to forget how he failed. He heard her crying softly next to him and he couldn't even hug her. His own wife and he couldn't even hug her or comfort her. He went to JJ because she understood how it felt to lose your team mate and not be able to do anything to stop it. He reached over and took Catherine's hand loosely in his. It was a poor source of comfort, but it was all he had to give her.

…...

Will watched Catherine get up and head towards the bathroom and was gone for a long time. JJ was talking to Spencer and he frowned, he understood that JJ felt a sense of responsibility towards him the way he felt towards his own siblings. The fact of the matter was Will could see a wall being built that was going to separate Spencer from Catherine. He could already feel a wall going up between him and JJ despite his best efforts to talk with her. Will got up and headed towards the bathroom area to check on Catherine. He rounded the corner and heard the sounds of vomiting and than saw Catherine stumble out of that bathroom and grab the wall for support. Will ran over too her and helped her sit down.

"Hey...hey...you alright?" he asked sitting next to her.

"Can you get me some water?" she asked.

"Do you want me to get Spencer?" he asked and she shook her head no. Will sighed and he went to get her some water. He came back with her water, she took it and drained the cup.

"Cheri...you feeling ok?"

"I'm fine," she signed. She dug some mints out of her bag and popped a few. Will frowned looking at her. He remembered how JJ was when she was first pregnant, she was always throwing up and was dizzy. She hid it well from the members of the team, but when she was home she was always throwing up and was dizzy and tired. Will shook his head.

"When are you due?" Catherine looked at him shocked. "I'm familiar with the signs and you were just tossing your cookies in there. Everyone else is drinking wine and you haven't touched a glass. There is raw shrimp and you haven't touched that either...your either pregnant or you have a fish allergy and the last time I check you liked white wine. So...anyone else know?"

"No one knows. I haven't even told Spencer yet...October...late October is what they told me," signed Catherine.

"Congratulations. You should tell him."

"I was going too," signed Catherine and shook her head. "And now I can't. Thank you for the water." She got up and headed back towards the reception area where everyone was gathered. She stopped for a moment and looked back at Will

"You won't tell anyone?" she asked looking worried.

"I won't," signed Will. She nodded and went back. Will sighed and headed back that way too. He watched Catherine take a seat next to Spencer only to have him not even notice she was back. The wall was being built brick by brick and by the time it was finished he wondered if they would be able to reach other. Will sat next to JJ and took her hand and she held it loosely in her's. _Why do you push us away...we love you._

…...

JJ felt Will's hand in hers and she took it, but she really didn't hold it. Her attention was on Spencer and how badly he was hurting. _It's my fault...it's my fault...I can't tell you the truth and I'm sorry. We have to do this to keep Emily safe. _

She spoke to Hotch and to Clyde about Emily's condition and so far she seemed to be ok. It would be weeks before she would be able to leave the hospital, but at least she was alive. _She's going to be all alone, but she'll be alive._ JJ saw how Catherine looked at Spencer and how he wouldn't meet her gaze. She was playing her own part in the wall that was building, but she couldn't turn him away when she was part of the reason he was hurting. _We'll get through this somehow._

I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you.~Author Unknown

Notes-Ep's used-Lauren.

Love it, Hate it, Review it please.

Everyone have a happy New Year! 


	47. Chapter three part six

Chapter three part six

Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again? Rosa Parks

The fight started over a shirt. Spencer was packing a clean go bag and he couldn't find the blue shirt he wanted. He found it in the hamper and felt a tinge of annoyance that it was still dirty and that Catherine hadn't done laundry yet. She wasn't home yet, it was parent-teacher night so she was meeting with parents and discussing how they were doing. She hadn't been home earlier this week because of dress rehearsal for West Side Story. The play opened next week and he knew that she had to be there because it was her job the same way he had to be gone for days at time because of his job, but he was still annoyed at her being gone. _It doesn't matter anyway if she's home, you're not,_ hissed a voice in his head. It was right, when Catherine did make it home he left to go talk with JJ. He heard the door open and Catherine drop her bag by the front door.

Instead of welcoming her home, he started in on her about the laundry. Being three months pregnant and coming off a thirteen hour workday she wasn't in the mood to have him snapping at her about laundry that he could have done himself.

"If you wanted it washed why didn't you say something? I'm not psychic you actually have to talk to me if you want something," signed Catherine annoyed.

"I'm sorry that I didn't think to tell you that I would need clean clothes. Or that we're out of almost everything or that the dishes were piling up and..." Catherine cut him off.

"Two people live here the last time I checked, so half the mess is yours and if you get home before me why can't you pick it up? You're an adult," she signed and she went into the kitchen to start on the dishes. She was right, however he felt like picking a fight with her because he could.

"Why is it when you get home before me you're sleeping, but if get home I have to clean up?" asked Spencer. Catherine slammed a stack of plates down and glared at him.

"So when you get home and want to crash it's ok...but I'm supposed to clean house after working the same hours you do?" She started running hot water and placing the dishes in the sink, she blinked back tears and started scrubbing the cups. Spencer left the room and Catherine placed her hands in the water that was scalding and at least it gave her something new to focus on instead of how much of an ass Spencer was being. _Why are you surprised...he's been this why for almost three weeks now. _

He came back into the kitchen and opened the closet that had the washer and dryer. He went to put the clothes in the wash and found that a load had sat in the washer over night.

"Damn it," he slammed the washer door and turned back to Catherine. He made her turn around to face him. "You left clothes in the washer over night." Catherine blinked, she must have started a load, started grading and than fell asleep. She was just so tired all the time. The doctor told her it would get better once she was past the first trimester.

"I'm sorry...I must have..." Spencer just walked away, leaving her standing there trying to not cry. She turned back to the dishes and finished them. She restarted the load in the wash and went to talk to Spencer and found that he was gone. He must have just left and he didn't even tell her he was leaving. She sat down on the couch and started crying. It had been almost four weeks since Emily had died and if anything Spencer was becoming more withdrawn and moody. He wouldn't talk to her when she was home, he shut himself in their office and wouldn't come out. Or he went to JJ's and talked to her and wouldn't come home until it was very late. Here she was almost ten weeks along and she still hadn't found a single second to tell him, so far the only person who knew was Will. She wanted to tell her father, but than he would want to talk to Spencer and well considering how he was right now it would not go well. _It's not fair...I got to be happy about this for two days and now...I'm supposed to be happy about this, we're supposed to be happy about this and I can't even tell him because he's so __wrapped up in Emily's death._ Catherine did miss her and she wished that Emily was here to share this with. She would give anything, maybe even her baby just to have her back.

Catherine rubbed her back and started picking up the apartment, something physical to take her mind off the mental stress. By ten the apartment was spotless and than she started writing college letters for some of her students. By the time she got to her third letter she drifted off to sleep on the sofa, fully dressed and emotionally drained. _I just want my friend back...I want my husband back and I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to have either one again._

…...

When Spencer did come home, around midnight he found the apartment so clean it would most likely pass a white glove test, the clothes were all folded and put away. Catherine was asleep on the sofa with an open Word document on her laptop; a college recommendation for one of her students. Spencer covered her up with a blanket and noticed that her face was tear stained and there were circles under her eyes. _You made your wife cry...you proud of yourself? _

Spencer sighed and decided to let Catherine sleep where she was. He went into the office and locked the door. Spencer sat down and pulled opened one of the desk drawers that had a false bottom, Catherine didn't know about it. The bottle of the Dilaudid stared back at him, he felt that tingle in his arm and hated himself for how much he wanted it right now. He had thrown most of his stash out when he went clean, however he forget about this bottle. After Catherine had found his drugs, he moved them into this desk. All he was missing was the needle and he was sure he could find one if he really wanted it. _You promised her, you promised yourself and your team that you would never do this again and here you are sitting in the dark debating where to get a needle so you can shoot up again. Emily wouldn't want you to do this, she wouldn't want you closing yourself off like this. _

Spencer took the bottle and threw it in the trash, Catherine was muttering to herself on the sofa and he couldn't make out what she was saying. He knew that he should go to Catherine, talk with her, tell her that he was sorry for how he had been acting the past few weeks and he couldn't. Spencer sat down in a chair across from her and twisted his ring. _I couldn't help Emily and I don't know if I can even take care of you...why am I even doing this job? _He suddenly understood how his father felt after Riley died, that nagging sense that he was going to fail and that Catherine would pay for his mistake. That's what he and JJ talked about, why he came to her crying about losing Emily, that he sometimes wished that he had paid more attention to the signs that Emily was struggling and that he sometimes wondered if he made a mistake marrying Catherine. It wasn't that he didn't love her, it was that she was going to get hurt the way Emily and Haley had been hurt and it would be his fault.

JJ told him that wouldn't happen, that Emily knew how to hide things and that if she was here she wouldn't want him to be like this. She cried with him and told him how much she missed Emily too.

"I wish I would have just called her one more time Spence. Just once more to say 'Hi,' said JJ wiping her eyes.

Spencer felt another headache coming on and he crawled into bed and cried himself to sleep.

…...

_Puerto Rico...My heart's devotion. Let it sink back in the ocean. Always the hurricanes blowing. Always the population growing. And the money owing...and the sunlight streaming. And the natives steaming. I like the island Manhattan. Smoke on your pipe and PUT THAT IN!_

Catherine, Savannah and Saul watched from backstage. It was opening night and the auditorium was packed. Well almost packed, there was a row of seats that Catherine had saved for Spencer and the other BAU members that was empty. They had been called away on a case that morning and needless to say they would be missing the weekend run. Catherine shook her head, Will, JJ and Kevin had come to see the show.

"Wow...this is awesome," signed/said Savannah grinning from ear to ear.

"Just think baby. Those are your dresses out there that everyone is looking at," signed/said Saul. Savannah twisted her hair and grinned, she had gotten her portfolio finished and sent it to the community theater.

"What you think Mrs. Reid?" asked Saul.

"That we all did an amazing job and that I'm very proud of kids," signed Catherine. Savannah and Saul said nothing and turned back to watch the show and wait for the costume change.

Out in the auditorium, Kevin, Will and JJ watched the play.

"Penny is going to be so pissed that she missed this...it's just wow," whispered Kevin.

"I imagine it takes a lot of time and patience to learn everything," whispered Will. JJ nodded in agreement, she had heard bits and pieces from Spencer about the play, that you had to get the signing, the singing, and the dancing to all line up right for everything to work right. He was going to be upset that he was missing this. JJ felt her phone vibrate in her purse. It could be Henry's babysitter and she waited until the kids finished singing America to sneak out and take the call. It was from Clyde. Emily was awake, she had been 'dead ' for almost five weeks now and Clyde was filling Emily in on what had happened since she had been gone and that she was 'dead'. JJ blinked back her own tears, her friend was all alone somewhere and she couldn't comfort her. She wasn't doing a very good job comforting her friends here. Spencer was still coming over at least three times a week in tears over Emily and his perceived failure to help her. It was bringing up issues that JJ thought he had gotten over, he was thinking about Elle and Gideon again. He admitted that he was being emotionally and physically distant with Catherine. That he would start fights with her about her work, even though his job was just has time consuming as hers if not more. That he didn't know how to talk to her and that he was worried about her. She seemed tired all the time and was constantly throwing up. _If I didn't know any better I would say she pregnant . _JJ went back into the auditorium and watched Tony and Maria profess their love for each other in song.

_Tonight...tonight...It all began tonight! I saw you and the world went away. Tonight...tonight. There's only you tonight..._JJ took Will's hand and squeezed hard. She hated lying to Will. She remembered a time when Will told her she was a terrible liar and that he loved how honest she was with him. Spencer wasn't the only one starting fights with their loved one. Will never said anything while Spencer was there, but once he left and JJ was free to vent to Will he asked her why she didn't send him home to his wife and make him talk to her.

"_This isn't good for them Jen, to be keeping things from each other like this."_

_ "What is Catherine keeping from Spence?" Will looked away and fiddled with the ring he got after Henry was born._ _"Beside...it's hurting you too. When he comes over you're a ball of tension...this isn't grieving Jen...this is wallowing in something I don't understand. It's not moving on."_

_ "Everyone grieves differently," snapped JJ. Will looked at her shocked._

_ "I know that...I know how it hurts to lose a team mate and family member. But, this...it's hurting people. You're hurting, he's hurting, she's hurting...this hurts me too to see you like this."_ JJ put her head on Will's shoulder and watched the play. _I love you and I'm sorry that I'm doing this to everyone._

…...

Spencer splashed water on his face and tried to keep himself together. _I'm not going crazy...I'm just tired and I haven't slept right in days. Not all paranoid schizophrenics freak out and kill people. _His head hurt again and he felt like he was running on empty. _Somethings is missing in this case and I can't figure it out...fuck! _ They had been called to Portland to investigate a series of murders that were getting more and more violent as the days went on. So far they had determined that the man was suffering from hallucinations that might be telling him to kill, but it wasn't sitting right with him.

Morgan came into the bathroom and looked at Reid, the kid looked exhausted and run down. The last time he had seen him like this was after he came back from his ordeal with Henkle. He had been spacey and quiet during the profile which wasn't like him at all.

"You know that profile makes it sound like Schizophrenia leads to serial killing," said Reid drying his face.

"That's not what we said at all, Reid." Morgan had a feeling what this going towards and before he could go on Reid was talking.

"You know my mom has Schizophrenia and there are many different types."

"I know that."

"Catatonic, Disorganized...just because someone suffers from the inability to organize their thoughts, or they can't bathe or dress themselves doesn't mean they go out and stab somebody in the chest thirty times post mortem."

"Reid...what is really going on?"

"Our Un-subs hallucinations aren't fractured like a typical Schizophrenic. They're vivid and clear leading me to believe that we're missing an important variable. Rather than making crazy conjectures we should be trying to figure out what it is."

"Listen to me. I know this is a scary age for you, it's the age when Schizophrenic breaks occur." Reid nodded, his own mother had her break at twenty seven and went on medication and had been on it every since. "Have you talked to anybody?"

"Emily...Catherine." Than again he couldn't recall a conversation with Catherine over the past month an half that didn't involve a fight. He knew how to push her buttons and he did it these days without any thought really to her feelings. _I just want someone to feel as badly as I do._ When he was done, she either started crying or simply left the apartment and they wouldn't see or talk to each other for days because of work. He knew what he was doing was wrong and it made him a terrible person and husband, but he didn't apologize for his actions either which was pushing her further away from him. He really didn't know what he wanted, if he wanted her stay or to leave him.

"Have you seen a doctor?" _Four doctors..._

"They all say I'm fine."

"Why don't you believe them?"

"Because predicting one's chances of developing a genetic condition are like finding a penny in an ocean...I have terrible headaches, I can't sleep at night, I can't focus on our cases, I can't talk to Catherine without starting a fight with her over the most idiotic thing, I only read five books last week."

"Ok kid you need to cut yourself some slack. You're also depressed about Prentiss and we all are. I miss her every day. But if your mind really was splitting would you have been able to figure out that something is missing from this case?"

"I'm just speculating that we are. I need to prove it," said Spencer.

"Ok than you do that. The moment that you are wandering the streets aimlessly that's when I'll be concerned about you. Come on Pretty Boy, let's get to work." Spencer followed Morgan out of the bathroom and started trying to figure out what he was missing with this case. His phone vibrated in his pocket and it was from JJ.

_The 1__st__ act of West Side Story was amazing. You would be really proud of Catherine if you could see this._ Spencer felt a tinge of guilt, it was opening night and the thing that she had worked so hard on he was missing. _One more thing to apologize for._

…...

Catherine was grading when he came home and she looked up at him and gave him a small smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. She was bracing herself for whatever foul mood he was going to unleash on her. He nodded and sat down across from her. _Just be nice...she hasn't done anything to you at all to deserve your shitty moods. _Catherine went back to her grading and he realized that he didn't know how to act with her, for the past five weeks he had been mean and abrasive for no reason other than she was someone he could take his frustrations out on. Spencer reached over and took her hand, Catherine looked up at him confused.

"I um...have dinner yet...I could make you dinner?" he asked. The look on her face took him back. She seemed shocked that was even talking to her let alone asking her if she needed something.

"No, I haven't had dinner yet. I was going to make some Mac and Cheese," signed Catherine.

"I'll do it," he signed and he went into the kitchen to make dinner. He missed the small smile that crossed her face. So far it had been a very good couple of days, the play went well, Saul told her that he got into his first choice school in New York and she had her second ultrasound that showed everything was still going ok for now. She was between eleven and twelve weeks along and she was just tried of not being able to tell anyone, she was only four weeks away from her second trimester anyway. She wanted to tell their family and friends about this. _Just tell him, tell that we're going to have a baby together. _He sat the bowl of Mac and Cheese in front of her and she thanked him for it.

Spencer didn't say much during dinner, but it was the first time in weeks that he asked her how her day was and seemed genuinely interested in what she was saying. She told him about the play, how they sold out three shows back to back and that they wouldn't have to fund-raise quite so much next year.

"I'm...I'm sorry I missed it. JJ told me it looked amazing," he signed. She smiled at him and it was the first time he had seen her smile in weeks.

"Spencer. I need to talk to you about something. I'll be right back," signed Catherine and she went towards the office and came back a few moments later holding a small photograph and motion for him to sit next to her. Confused, he moved and sat next to her. Catherine took a deep breath and looked at him.

"A few weeks ago...when I wasn't feeling good. It was more than the flu and I went to the doctor," she signed and Spencer cut her off.

"Are you ok?" he asked feeling something sinking in his stomach.

"I'm fine...totally fine," she had the biggest smile on her face and he couldn't figure out why. She was gripping the photograph with shaking hands. "I want to show you something." She turned the photograph over and it looked like some sort of ultrasound. "You see that right there...the little blurry thing. Um...that...that is our baby." He looked at her blankly. "I'm pregnant." She was grinning and she waited for Spencer to say something.

"Say something," signed Catherine her smile still there.

"How far along?" he asked with almost no emotion.

"Closer to twelve weeks." Spencer looked away from her and Catherine felt her hands start to shake and her smile slipped. "What?" she asked out loud. Spencer got up and he started to pace and Catherine felt her good mood just slowly vanish.

"Did you tell anyone else?" he signed. He seem torn between panic and being mad at her for reasons she wasn't understanding right now.

"No. You're the first person I've told. Well...Will sort of guessed when I got sick at Emily's wake." He kept pacing and Catherine was trying to stay calm. _Why can't you just be happy for five minutes?_

"When did you find out?"

"A few days before Emily died." Spencer got this look on his face like he just bit into a lemon. "I really wanted to tell you..." Spencer cut her off.

"Emily ran because Doyle was threatening the team and our families...she knew you were pregnant and so did Doyle because he was stalking the team," he signed quickly and pissed off. Catherine felt herself start to tear up. Emily had known that she was lying when she made that off handed remark about bad sushi and she tried to protect them all.

"I'm...I'm sorry Spencer. I didn't know...can't you just...stop spoiling this moment and just be happy with me?" asked Catherine out loud.

"No...no I can't!" snapped Spencer.

"Why?" asked Catherine tearing up. "Is it because I lost the other one?"

"Catherine, I can't deal with this right now...I...it's too much." The thought of her, with his child and that she had been used to drive Emily away was just too much to deal with right now.

Her hands were shaking, she stood up and looked up at him. The tears were gone and all there was a very broken and angry woman in front of him. She slapped him and slapped him hard, she had wanted...needed to do that for weeks. She let him for the past month an half be nasty and bitter with her, but this was the final straw in her book. His completely selfish attitude. _He can't deal...he can't deal...but I'm supposed to deal with everything._

"You...selfish...god I hate you right now," spat Catherine. She just shook her head and she grabbed her purse off the table before running out of the apartment. Spencer let her go, what could he say at this point in time. The photograph of the ultrasound had fallen on the floor and he left it there.

Catherine didn't come home that night and she didn't return his texts the next morning. When he came home that night she was there. She was holding the picture and she had taken off her wedding ring to study it. A suitcase was packed and sitting next to her. Catherine looked up at him and Spencer realized that Julio was right, the ghost would spoil his wife, he let them ruin her. It was the look in her eyes. _The light was gone. _

"I can't do this anymore Spencer."

…...

Catherine was sitting on a swing at one of the local parks and was sobbing. She didn't know what to do anymore. The person she considered her best friend, her husband, and the father of her 11 week old fetus just told her he couldn't deal with her. After all the years and times she had dealt with him and his issues, the second she turned to him for a little support he completely freaked out on her and told her that she would have to deal with it herself. It hurt...it might have hurt less if he had hit her. At least she knew that the pain from that would stop sooner or later. This pain, she didn't see an end for it in sight. She couldn't figure out why he was doing this to her or what she had done to deserve this from him. _I don't deserve it and I can't do it anymore. _

She knew that he was hurting over losing Emily, but he always cut himself off from her when she needed him the most. This time though, it was too much and she didn't know if she could handle it. It wasn't just herself she had to think about now and he made it clear that he didn't want to think about it. So she had to think about what was best for _it _and clearly being with Spencer wasn't what was best. She started crying even harder, a week before her twenty ninth birthday and she was looking at separating from her second marriage and this time with an unborn baby. _I don't know what I did to deserve this._ She was crying so hard that Saul had to tap her on the shoulder twice to get her attention. He worked down the street at a deli and when he saw his favorite teacher crying on a swing in a park after dark he had a feeling this was serious.

"Who is he...who did this to you?" Saul looked ready to murder someone. Saul looked around the park. It wasn't safe to be here after dark, people sometimes got mugged here walking after dark. Catherine quickly wiped her eyes, her student didn't need to see her like this. Saul realized that it was barely above fifty degrees and she wasn't wearing a coat. He took his off and wrapped it around her. He sat down next to her as Catherine tried to compose herself, Saul was starting to get worried that maybe something worse had happened to her walking here after dark.

"Mrs. Reid. Do you need me to call someone for you or take you home?" he asked and Catherine shook her head.

"I don't have a home anymore," she muttered out loud. Saul sighed, she clearly had a fight with Dr. Reid, a very bad one. Saul leaned over and hugged her. She started crying again and Saul felt horrible for her. This was a woman who like his mom, just kicked ass and took names. They didn't really ask for anything in return ever. To see her crying on a swing after dark was a sight he never wanted to see, it was like seeing his own mom cry. Saul made her look at him.

"If you don't have a place to stay...let me call my mom," signed Saul.

"I can't...can't impose on you and your mom like that," she signed, but Saul was already on his phone calling his mom. He got off the phone and just grinned.

"My mom says you're staying...you've put up with me for four years and she says this is the least she can do since you helped me out so much. Come on, it's cold out here...my mom is making pot roast." Saul took her to his car and drove back towards Virginia. Catherine was greeted by Saul's mother-Elisa. She took one look at Catherine and just hugged her.

"Not the first stray we've taken in. After all you've done for my hard headed son, stay as long as you like," signed Elisa. Catherine slept all night and on Saturday morning she went back to D.C and told Elisa she didn't know how long it she would be staying, but that she was very grateful for letting her stay for now.

"Do what you need to do and I already told you, stay as long as you like," signed Elisa. Catherine caught the train back to DC and let herself back into the apartment. Spencer worked some Saturday mornings. She showered and changed her clothes. She packed a suitcase with her clothes and other things she would need. She picked up her grading that had been left on the table and noticed the ultrasound picture was still on the floor and she picked it up. Some might consider her the selfish one for leaving him when he needed her. That when it came out she was expecting, she was taking the baby away from him and she was the bitch. She would be ready for it though, she would just have to take her lumps and cope. _It's not about us anymore..._

She took off her ring and studied it. Emily, JJ and Garcia had helped him pick this out and she wanted to cry. If she had any tears left she would cry.

Spencer opened the door and just seem stunned to see her there. It was that look he gave her when she came home to find out Emily was gone.

"I can't do this anymore Spencer," she said out loud looking at him.

…...

Spencer had almost forgotten how beautiful she could look at times. She was wearing a blue dress that fit her perfectly with a white sweater and her brown hair was pulled back in a low bun. She stood up and for the first time he noticed that she was gaining weight, but it was her eyes that caught his attention. Her light brown eyes were just dead, the happiness and the light was just gone. _The ghost spoil your wife._ It was clear that they had spoiled her...that he had ruined her.

"What?" he asked. Spencer knew that when she didn't come home last night that the writing was on the wall. That he had been cruel, that he had said things that shouldn't have been said, that instead of running towards the light she was offering him, he pulled her into the darkness with him.

"I love you...I've been in love you since we were kids. But, we just...we want different things," she signed.

"Which is?"

"I wanna be with you, I wanna have a family with you and you...I don't know what you want...it's not me though...not us," she was holding the picture tightly in her hand. "And I can't deal with this anymore Spencer. I can't deal with the distant you put between us, I can't deal with how mean you've become and I'm so tired...you have no idea how exhausting being with you is sometimes? To try over and over and over again to reach you and to be shut out every other time."

It was months of held in hurt coming to the surface and he knew he deserved this. All the times he had started fights with her, he kept waiting for her to snap back at him and now she was finally snapping back and it hurt.

"Anytime you have needed me I have tried to be there for you and the second, the second I ask you to be there for me...you suddenly can't deal or you just leave. How is it fair to me? You promised that if I needed you, you would be there and you're not! It's not fair," she sat down in the chair and started weeping. Spencer went over to her and touched her shoulder.

"Don't touch me," she said taking his hand off her. "I have never in my life been so hurt and angry with you." Catherine shoved the ring and the picture at him. "I was so happy when I found out...and I just wanted that moment with you and you had to fucking spoil it. I miss her too, she was my friend also and instead of talking with me you run away. And if this is how the rest of our marriage is going to be, you running away when I need you than I don't want it."

Spencer didn't know what to say. He knew that she was hurt and angry, but he never realized how deep it went it.

"Catherine...please...please...I'm sorry..."

"You're always sorry," she muttered and she wouldn't look at him.

"Look at me," the look she gave him was so broken and sad it hurt him. "I never meant to hurt you..."

"But you did and you do all the time anymore...I don't deserve it."

"No...no you don't," he agreed. "I just...I don't know what I'm doing anymore Catherine and I know that I haven't been there for you and that I've hurt you." Spencer wiped his own eyes and looked at the woman who was going to have his child and he realized that he didn't know how to fix this or even make it better.

"I love you...please just say you love me back. Just say you love me and that you want me to stay and I will," signed Catherine in tears. She was telling him how to fix it and he shook his head, it was far to easy.

"I think...I think it's for the best that until I figure out what I'm doing...that you should go and stay with your friend." Spencer knew that he wouldn't need an eidetic memory to recall the look on her face. He had just ripped her heart out and stomped on it, she gave a bitter laugh.

"Is this a long break or a short break?"

"I don't know," he admitted sadly. Catherine simply grabbed her bags and left the apartment, slamming the door behind her hard and not giving him another glance. She couldn't hear Spencer crying, the ring and the photograph clenched in his hand.

Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair. William Cowper

Notes-Ep's used-With Friends like this.

Please don't throw things at me for the angst, but leave a review.


	48. Chapter three part seven

Chapter three part seven

There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself. John Gregory Brown

_Three weeks later_

_ Tap...tap...tap._ Spencer woke up with a start, he must have drifted off to sleep. Sleeping in his car was murder on his neck and back. _Tap...tap...tap._ He looked over and saw Saul standing outside the car. Spencer rolled down the window.

"My abuela says that if you're going to wait out here like a creeper, the least you could do is have some dinner." Saul handed him a thing of tacos with a grin.

"Um...thanks," said Spencer.

"You mind if I sit out here for a little bit? My house has so much estrogen in it right now I think I might lose my man card."

"I don't um..." Saul simply went over and got in the passenger seat.

"Thanks." He reached over and took a taco. "It's crazy in there. My sister is home for break, my mami and abuela...you know...all you have to do is tell Mrs. Reid that your sorry and tell her she can come home with you. My papi once said that if your in fight with your lady and it's to point of crying that you might have won the fight, but you have lost the war." Spencer didn't say anything and Saul just rolled his eyes. "Seriously...you have been sitting outside my house every other night for two weeks now and all you have to do is come in and talk with her. She misses you man."

It had been three weeks since Catherine had left and had been staying with Saul's family. The first week he spent talking with JJ about Catherine. She was at lost for this one, but she listened to him anyway. He missed her and he didn't know how to fix it, even though Catherine had told him very clearly how. On nights he didn't go talk with JJ, he found himself parked outside the house watching it for any signs of Catherine. He would see her sitting on the porch of the house just looking at him waiting for him to make his move.

"You know I had to explain to people that the crazy white guy in the Bug wasn't from INS. Besides...your old lady isn't here tonight. Her Papi came to town so she's with him...you can come in though and wait for her. She said she would try to be home tonight by ten."

"I...um...not sure..."

"Oh for the love of Jesus, Mary and Joesph would you stop being so damn passive! I wish my Papi was here so he could kick your ass...seriously if I wasn't seventeen and her student I would so try to get with her. She's warm and funny and not too terrible on the eyes. Geez...I might never get three PhD's in my life or even the next, but I know not to be so dumb," snapped Saul getting out of car and slamming the door. He watched Saul go back into the house and Spencer decided to go home and try to get some sleep. _All you have to do is say your sorry...I know that...I just don't have the guts to do it._

…...

"Am I a failure?" asked Catherine picking at her pasta. Andrew looked at his daughter and frowned. Over the past few hours, Andrew was learning a great deal about the past few months of her life and felt sad that she hadn't come to him sooner. _She's an adult now and she tried to deal with it like an adult. _She was a twenty nine year old woman with a child on the way and he had no clue how to help her.

"Honey why would you think that?"

"Because I can't seem to make a marriage work without it blowing up in my face. At least with Paul I knew what went wrong...with Spencer...I don't know what I'm doing. He won't talk to me, but he'll sit outside the house and just watch for hours. I know that maybe I should try to talk with him again, but...why should I make the first move? I always do." Andrew shook his head and frowned.

"It takes two people to make a marriage work or fail. You and Paul, that just wasn't meant to be and you were both smart enough to see that before you were in too deep. You and Spencer...the two of you have so much tied up in each other that you don't know how to undo it. Even though I haven't seen or spoke to your mother in twenty two years, I'm still tied to her through you. Even if this doesn't work and you never see or speak to each other again, you're still tied to each other," he pointed at her stomach, she was almost fourteen weeks and the weight gain was clearly not just fat anymore. She was showing, not much but enough for some people to guess what was going on.

"Do you still love her?" asked Catherine. They never really spoke about her mother, after her last visit when she was seven and she dropped off the face of the earth. Catherine really had no desire to ask much about her mother.

"A part of me always will. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have you and trust me...you have always been one of the best things in my life. You know what it is yet?" Catherine smiled, it was the first time anyone outside of her students or other teachers that had shown any interest.

"I think it's a girl...but it refuses to cooperate during ultrasounds. Did you know with me?"

"We thought you were a boy...we were going to name you Stevie after Stevie Nicks." Catherine let out a laugh.

"Really? If grandma hadn't have stepped in an named what would you have named me?"

"Abigail or Lindsey, after Lindsey Buckingham," teased her father. Catherine shook her head. She really hadn't had really given much thought to names yet, she had been so focused on every thing else that she hadn't really thought about all the little details yet or even really enjoyed her pregancy that much.

"You and Fleetwood Mac. I think I like Abigail...if it's a girl...I wanna name her Abigail." Andrew smiled at his daughter. She might be twenty nine years old and getting ready to have her first child, but she was still his little girl.

"Honey...I want you to know that if things with Spencer don't get better and you need _anything_ please...please call me." Catherine bit her lip.

"Daddy I don't know how to make it better with him, I don't even know where to start." She picked at her pasta and he took her hand.

"I think you should come home for the summer...stay with me and Erin. Maybe put some feelers out for a job in Vegas. You know we have schools there too." Catherine looked at her father confused. "If it's not getting better than why you should you stay here?"

"I love him and this is his too...even if he can't handle it now...maybe someday he will and I don't wanna cheat him of of trying...or cheat _her_ out of her father." She teared up and her father hugged her.

"It's going to be ok...shush...it's going to be ok."

…...

When Spencer came back the next night from a case in Flordia, Andrew was sitting at his desk calmly reading a book. When Andrew looked up at Spencer, he could tell the older man was furious with him. He should have known that sooner or later that his father in law would be here to read him the riot act, especially after talking with Catherine the night before.

"We need to talk and we can either do it here or I can do it in front of all your co workers," he signed. Morgan saw Spencer with his father in law and from the looks on both their faces this was not a social call. Spencer motioned for them to head up to the meeting room. They headed up and Morgan watched the two men sign back and forth it was too fast for him to follow, but it was clear that Catherine's father was pissed. They were up there for several minutes and Andrew turned and stormed out of the room. Spencer went to follow him and Andrew spoke to him.

"I have never in my life been so disappointed in anyone as I am in you right now. My daughter might be willing to forgive you, but me...I don't know if I ever will." Andrew left the BAU pen and Morgan looked at him confused.

"Reid..." Spencer shook his head and left the pen.

…...

Spencer shut the door to the meeting room and turned to look at Andrew, he had never seen he older man look so upset.

"I don't know what is going on with you and quite frankly I really don't care at this point in time. My baby is having your baby and I don't care what you have to do to get over whatever _this_ is. But get over it and get over it fast... it's May and she's due in late October...you are rapidly missing out on something you will never get back," signed Andrew. Spencer sat down and looked at Andrew.

"I'm trying."

"No you're not. You haven't spoke to her in three weeks even though you know where she is. I trusted you with her and you have hurt her in ways I do not understand or even thought you were capable of. You not only have a responsibility for my daughter, but you have responsibility for her child. She needs you right now and your acting like an asshole."

"I know I have a responsibility to her and I know that I haven't lived up to that...that maybe she's better off with out me..."Andrew cut him off.

"She disagrees...but she's not going to make the first move on this. You have to make the move on this one."

"I don't know if I can..." Andrew just threw his hands up.

"I thought I was the one who was hard of hearing in this room! She is willing to forgive all this and come home if you just say your sorry. Why...I honestly don't know considering everything she's told me. But she is tired of making the first move...you have no idea how much she loves you."

"Why?" asked Spencer.

"Why what? Why she loves you...I don't know. Because she's been in love with you since she was kid, because you were her best friend when she didn't have anyone, because she married you and wants a family with you. I wish I knew why she was so in love with you...I wish I knew why you can't love her the same way." That was the problem, he did love her. He loved her so much it scared him in ways he still didn't really understand. Andrew took his silence as not caring and the older man made a noise of disgust.

"I told Catherine that she's more than welcome to come home this summer and if she needs to move back to Vegas she can. You have to the end this month to get your shit together and if you can't ...than just stop...stop hurting her. I care about you a great deal...but someone needs to put her first since you can't seem too." Spencer was trying to process the information that Catherine might really leave him and Andrew left the room. Spencer went to follow him and he didn't know what to say.

"I have never in my life been so disappointed in anyone as I am in you right now. My daughter might be willing to forgive you, but me...I don't know if I ever will." Andrew left the BAU pen and Morgan looked at him confused. Spencer hadn't told anyone other than JJ that he and Catherine had separated and that she was pregnant. Spencer grabbed his bag and headed back to an apartment that no longer felt like home. _I need her to come home..._

…...

"You didn't," signed Catherine over breakfast. Her father had stopped by the Maritza's house to say goodbye before heading back to Vegas. He told her that he had gone and spoke to Spencer last night and basically told him to either get his shit together or that she was leaving for good.

"Someone needed to put a fire under his ass and clearly your leaving and being gone for three weeks clearly isn't doing it. I figured this might do the trick," signed Andrew. Catherine sighed. This would either be the fire under his ass or him leaving her for good.

"You're mad aren't you?" he asked. Saul saluted him.

"Hey I told him any guy to let you go Mrs. Reid is a dumbass...but seriously don't leave. Granted I'm a Senior...but you're cool and everyone will be bummed if you leave," signed Saul.

"So you spoke to him and you spoke to him...anyone else?" asked Catherine.

"I thought about sending Savannah his way for a good Southern ass kicking," teased Saul. Catherine rolled her eyes and took another cinnamon roll. She worried about what their interference might mean.

"Come on honey. He needed to hear the truth and the truth is he is letting you down and that he needs to take responsibility for that," signed her father pointing at the bump. "Come on, I'll drive you to work." Catherine told Saul she would see him at school and got into the car with her father.

"I know that your not happy that I interfered with this, but I promise once you have yours you'll understand." She knew her father meant well and that he only reason he did what he did was because he wanted her to be happy. Catherine patted his hand and smiled at him.

"Thank you." He stopped at a red light and just looked at her, she had her hands resting on her bump with that smile on her face. She reminded Andrew of her mother before everything went wrong with them. _I just want you to be happy honey. _The light turned green and he went to go through the intersection, he heard Catherine's screams before he felt the impact of another car on his side. He felt glass hit his face and the steering wheel press into his chest. Everything went quiet and dark after that.

…...

Spencer was filling out the paperwork that he had left behind last night. Thankfully Morgan was at hand to hand training so he wasn't there to ask questions about what happened last night.

"Reid," called Hotch. It was his turn for his grief counseling session with his boss. He stood up and went into Hotch's office and sat of the sofa. He thought about the last time he spoke with someone about losing someone and it was after his father left.

"The last time I was on a couch like this it was after my father left," admitted Spencer. "They all thought I needed to talk, but developmentally I wasn't guided by conscience so I could only reveal what my mother and teachers told me was acceptable." Hotch nodded. JJ had come to him in tears about Spencer and what this was doing to him.

"_Eight weeks...he has been coming to my house for eight weeks crying over Emily and now Catherine is gone. Hotch I'm worried about him. He is just closing himself in because he blames himself about what happened to Emily and it's hurting other people now. Morgan is just pissed, Garcia is a shell of herself and I can't look either of my best friends in the eye." She and Will were fighting now too and it was because Will had sided with Catherine. That maybe her leaving would finally snap him out of it and instead he got worse._

_ "Will actually called it an Emotional Affair...and he's right Hotch. I don't know how to share with him anymore than Spencer can with Catherine and...it's not right...it's not. They didn't ask for this and yet they seem to be hurting more than we are." JJ sat down and wiped her eyes. Hotch sighed, he knew that Emily's 'death' would hurt the team and badly, he just never forsaw how badly until now. He missed Emily everyday and honestly if it wasn't for Jack and the reminding members of this team he might go nuts._

"You told them what they wanted to hear," said Hotch and Spencer nodded. "You don't have to do that here."

"It's just not fair that she's gone." Spencer didn't know which she was talking about, both Catherine and Emily had a piece of him and while one was gone forever, the other was debating leaving him for good this time. "It's like if we can't keep each other safe than why are we doing any of this? Sometimes I think Gideon was right and it's just not worth it."

"Do you want to leave the BAU?" asked Hotch. Spencer sighed.

"It won't fix what I've done. When...when you and Haley separated did she told you how to fix it?"

"She wanted me to leave the BAU and I couldn't do it. Did Catherine ask you to leave the BAU?"

"No...she asked me to say that I loved her and ask her to stay. I couldn't do it, she never asked me for anything and the second she does I just froze. Why couldn't I just give her that one thing?"

"Haley never asked me for anything and she asked for something I couldn't give her. Are you not in love with Catherine any more...is that why." Spencer shook his head.

"I do love her...I love her more than anything and..." There was a knock on Hotch's door and before he could answer, Garcia opened the door and looked frantic.

"Sir...I'm sorry to interrupt! I just got a call from St. John's hospital for Reid...there was an accident, someone hit Catherine and her father..."Garcia didn't get another word out before he was out the door and Hotch was behind him.

…...

Hotch drove them to St. John's. He called Garcia and got the name of the nurse who called her and Hotch called the hospital and put it on speaker.

"St. John's Emergency Room, this is Claire."

"Claire, my name is SSA. Aaron Hotchner, you called about the wife of one of my agents. SSA. Dr. Spencer Reid. Her name is Catherine Mary Reid, she's a twenty nine year old Caucasian woman. What can you tell me about her condition? I have Dr. Reid with me."

"Mrs. Reid and her father Andrew Dueringer were in a T-bone collision just outside of the District. Mr. Dueringer is the ICU right now in surgery, he suffered some internal bleeding and broken bones. Mrs. Reid also suffered some broken bones and some head trauma..."

"She's pregnant...is the baby ok?" asked Spencer trying to stay calm.

"We're monitoring that right now, but it appears that the fetal heartbeat is fine and it doesn't appear that her water has broken or that she's experiencing contractions. When you get here, Dr. Garmin is monitoring the baby, Dr. Go is handling Catherine's head injuries and Dr. Disbow is the surgeon working on Andrew. We can give you more detailed information once you get here, it's important to know that they're going to ok and they're receieving the best care we can give them," said Claire.

"Once you get here, just come to the ER and ask for me and I'll take you where you need to go."

"Thank you very much Claire." Hotch hung up the phone and turned to Spencer. "How far along is she?"

"She would be about fourteen weeks now...I told her I couldn't deal with it...it was selfish. I know that and it's why she left."

"It's not me that you owe an explanation too," said Hotch. They drove the rest of the way in silence and Spencer twisted his ring, he hadn't taken his ring off and he kept her ring in pocket.

He got a text from Erin that she was getting a flight to DC and that he should text her the second he got any news on Catherine or Andrew. _God poor woman. _Spencer texted her back that he was on his way to the hospital and would let her know when he got more information. _Please let them be ok...let them all be ok..._

…...

Claire took them to the six floor Andrew was still in surgery, but Catherine was in the ICU. Dr. Go was a tall white women in her 40's with red hair. She sat Spencer now and started to explain all of Catherine's injuries.

"She suffered a compound fracture on her left arm along with some cuts to her face and arms from the glass. Depending on how they heal she might need facial surgery. We're waiting for the results of the CAT scan to determine if she's going to have any brain damage or bleeding in the brain, but she hit her head pretty hard so we're keeping her under close observation. She doesn't seem to have any internal injuries or bleeding. Dr. Garmin should be hear shortly to run some more test to determine how the baby is doing, but we didn't see any signs of her suffering a miscarriage or going into labor. She's resting right now, but you can see her if you want. I'll have Dr. Disbow come to you once Andrew is out of surgery."

"Thank you," said Spencer. Hotch had dropped him off at the ER enterance and was going to park the car. He went down the hall to where Dr. Go had told him her room was. She looked so small in the bed lying there attached to various machines. Spencer went into the room and pulled a chair up next to her bed and he took her hand.

"Please wake up...I need you to wake up." He looked up and saw two different heart monitors attached, one was attached to her chest and the other went under the blankets to a small bump._ That must be the Fetal Heart monitor._ Spencer took his other hand and placed it on the bump.

"Dr. Reid," said a voice. Spencer turned around and saw a tall dark haired man with an orderly wheeling in a machine. "I'm Dr. Garmin, your wife's OB. We're going to do an ultrasound to make sure that everything is really ok. But, so far all signs point to ok. I'm going to want her on bedrest though for a week or two after she does regain conscience to make sure she's ok." Garmin got the machine ready and had the orderly the blanket down and moved Catherine's gown up and it was so bizarre to see the physical change that was occuring right in front on him. It wasn't much of a change, but it was enough of one for him to notice. Garmin started running the ultrasound and he found what he was looking for.

"Here we are...you have a thumb sucker Dr. Reid. Everything looks good, she looks perfectly fine."

"She?" asked Spencer and Garmin kicked himself.

"Sorry. I should have asked if you wanted to know. I guess I let the cat out of the bag, but I'm pretty sure that's a girl." Spencer nodded and the orderly cleaned the gel up and covered Catherine up again.

"We got lucky and it looks like everything is going to be fine. We'll still monitor Catherine to make sure she's ok to keep carrying the pregnancy. Depending on what Dr. Go says we'll work from there. I'll leave you alone for now," said Garmin.

"Thank you," said Spencer softly. Dr. Garmin and the orderly left, leaving him with Catheirne and his daughter. _My Daughter._ He placed his other hand back on her stomach and let it rest there. "Hi...hi honey...I know that I haven't been a very good person to you or your mom." It felt so bizzare to say that. _My daughter...your mom._

"I'm not sure how much you can hear me right now or even understand...I'm very sorry that I haven't been a very good parent. You're not even here yet and I'm already screwing it up. I really don't know what I'm doing...your mom...she's going to be amazing at this. She's always been very good with kids. My boss actually coined a term for how I scare small children and animals. The Reid Effect."

He had gotten better with kids, Henry and Jack seemed to like him. He had even taught Henry a few magic tricks over the past few weeks. Spencer couldn't take his eyes off the small bump that was going to be his daughter.

"I love you...I know I really didn't act like it when your mom told me, but I was scared and weak. I don't get a lot of good things and when I do I run them off...I hope you get your mother's patience, you're going to need it with me as your father."

Every part of her body hurt and she opened her eyes slowly. She was in hospital that much was clear. She noticed that her arm was in a cast up to her elbow and her head was pounding. She looked up and saw that Spencer was there and had his hand on stomach, she saw his mouth moving and he was looking down at her bump. _He's talking to the baby...oh god is it ok? I was with my dad...what happened._

Spencer noticed that Catherine moved in the bed. He looked up and saw that Catherine was awake and was looking at him confused.

"What happened," muttered Catherine. "I was with my dad."

"You were in a car accident, someone hit you and your dad," signed Spencer.

"Is he ok?" asked Catherine near tears.

"He's in surgery and they've called Erin and she sent me a text that she's going to get flight here. I'm going to text her when your dad gets out of surgery."

"Is the...is the..." Spencer cut her off.

"The baby is fine, it's fine." They sat there quiet for a few moments before Catherine started signing again.

"Did we have a fight? I remember just being so mad at you and I can't remember for what. I was staying with Saul...what happened?" asked Catherine. Spencer bit his lip and looked at her, she was clearing suffering some form of amnesia and he could tell her anything right now, but lying wouldn't get him anywhere.

"We had a fight. I acted like a selfish asshole when you told me that you were going to have a baby. I shut you out again and you called me on my bullshit. I just..." He didn't want to go into all the details about the fight, if she couldn't remember maybe it was for the best. _No you don't get to cheat your way out of this. _

"Catherine, I couldn't be there for you the way you needed me to be there for you and I quit on you. It wasn't fair to you at all and it's not fair to her," signed Spencer pointing at her bump. He looked back at her in tears. "I just...can we just be in love again...can you please come home and stay? If you don't want to I'll understand. I know I really screwed it up this time and I know I tell you that I'm sorry and that I won't do it again and I do it anyway. I know I've made you promises in the past and that I haven't kept them and you have no reason to every take me back...but I'm not going to make promises to you this time. I'm making them to her." Spencer put his hand back on her bump. "I'm asking you to take me back so I can make things right for her. I love you both and I need both of you to come home."

"If it wasn't here would you be asking me to come home?" asked Catherine. He took her ring out of his pocket.

"You know how much I suck at asking questions. I would sit in that car and just try to work up the nerve to ask you to come home...it's not home without you there...please come home."

"I'm still mad at you...you broke my heart Spencer. It wasn't fair."

"I know and I will do anything to make this right...anything. You want me to quit the BAU, if you want to move back to Vegas, anything you want me to do to make this right I'll do it. No questions asked...just...just come home please." Spencer meant it, he no longer care what he would have to give up to get them back, he just wanted them back. Catherine took his hand.

"Just...stop leaving me. Just stay with me."

"Ok." He bent down and hugged her carefully. Catherine felt herself tear up, he hadn't hugged her in weeks. "I love you and I won't leave anymore...I won't."

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. Robert Heinlein 

Notes-Ep's used-Hanely Waters.

I hope this makes up for some of the past angst...we're coming back to fluffy.


	49. Chapter three part eight

Chapter three part eight

At the end of the day, a loving family should find everything forgivable.

It was late when Garcia got to the hospital and she looked in on them and saw that Catherine and Reid were both asleep. She noticed that one of his hand's was holding Catherine's and the other was resting on her midsection. She came into the room quietly and frowned. The past two months had been hellish to say the least. Her family had gone through so much in such a short amount of time and it was taking it's toll on each of them. Garcia felt bad that two months had gone by and she really hadn't spent time with any of them outside of work and that if it wasn't for texts she might not have spoken with Catherine at all. One of her best friends had been taken away for political reasons, her other friend had been taken away by a mad man and now her last friend was in a hospital bed lucky to be ok.

Garcia studied everything that Catherine was attached to when she noticed the two different heart moniters and that one of the two moniters was attached to her midsection and that her normally very pettie friend had put on weight and a good chunk of it was where Reid was resting his hand right now. _Oh my god...oh my god...she's pregnant. Why didn't they tell us? We need something good happening for a change._

Garcia put her hand on his shoulder, he jerked awake and looked at her.

"Hey Garcia...what time is it?"

"Visiting hours are over. I'm sorry I couldn't get here sooner. Morgan, Rossi and Hotch said they'll come back during normal visiting hours. What happened and is she going to be ok? Is her dad ok?"

" The guy ran a stop light and T-boned them. No internal injuries. She broke her arm, compound fracture, she hit her head, but the test don't show any long term damage...she needs some bed rest. Andrew broke his leg, some broken ribs, they had to remove a portion of his spleen and his large intestine. But, he's going to be ok. Erin is with him right now." Garcia bent over and hugged him tightly and he hugged her back.

"I'm sorry," muttered Garcia.

"What are you sorry for?" he asked looking at her.

"It was like we all got buried with Emily...we all just all shut down in our own way and that's not how a family should be...I miss how we were and I know we can't go all the way back, but maybe we can try...she wouldn't want us to be sad like this. Especially now," Garcia looked down at Catherine and grinned a little. "My babies are having babies." Spencer shifted in his chair and nodded. It was still a lot to wrap his head around, but he knew that he wanted this, more than he wanted to admit even to himself.

"Why didn't you tell us? This is really awesome Reid."

"You know you were right when you said we all got buried with Emily. I just shut down and when she told me...I wasn't happy. I started thinking about how Ian Doyle shot those kids, I started thinking about how George Foytt was ready to kill Jack and all the parents I have to look in the eye and tell them that I'm sorry for their loss. Catherine and I talked about having children and we both said we want children and I do, but it's terrifying Garcia."

"Oh honey. Tell me you're happy about it now though."

"I am...I would be lying if I didn't tell you I was still terrified about this, but I really want this Penelope."

"The only thing I'm terrified about is the two of you having a baby so smart that it takes over the world before preschool. Reid, I know we see a lot of horrible and dark things everyday...but this...what you two are going to have is something good. And we need that more than anything else right now." Garcia messed with his hair. "Besides I need another rugrat to spoil. Do you know what it is yet?"

"They said it's a girl." Garcia's grin got even bigger.

"Good...it has been far to much of a sausage fest in my work and personal life. I'm looking forward to another girl genius. You guys gonna be ok?" Spencer looked at the sleeping form on the bed and squeezed her hand.

"We still have a lot of talking to do, but I think we're going to be ok."

"When she gets out of here, we all need to go out and do something together. It's been a really long time since we've done something together. I miss you guys."

"I miss you too Garcia." He stood up and hugged her. She hugged him back just as hard.

"You try and get some rest. Do you need me to bring you guys anything? I can stop by in the morning."

"Erin is going to stop by the apartment and get some our things, but it would be really great if you could come back tomorrow night for dinner."

"Ok...night Boy Wonder." Garcia headed home and Spencer resumed his post of watching Catherine sleep.

…...

"Reid you have almost a year of saved time off...if you want to take more than two weeks to spend with Catherine don't hestiate to ask for it," said Hotch when Spencer came in the next morning to request his time off. Spencer handed him the forms and sat across from Hotch the next morning.

"Thank you," said Spencer. He went to get up and leave when Hotch started to talking to him.

"When Haley left...I kept asking myself what I could have done, what I could have said differently that would have made her stay...I think deep down all she really wanted was to know that I still cared about her and she still mattered to me. She just wanted..." Hotch took a deep breath. "She wanted to feel loved again and I didn't know how to make her feel that way again...I didn't try hard enough." Spencer just looked at him blankly. "Whatever you have to do...do it. If you don't you'll regret it." It spoke volumes to Spencer that Hotch was telling him this, he rarely spoke about Haley anymore. He knew that if Hotch was telling him where he felt he went wrong with his marriage it was his way of trying to help him.

"Thank you." Spencer left Hotch's office and was down the stairs when Morgan started following him.

"How are they?"

"Andrew is still out of it from the surgery, but he's going to make a full recovery. Catherine is on bed rest for two weeks with a compound fracture to her left arm, cuts to her arms and face and a mild head injury, but it doesn't appear that she's going to suffer any brain damage or any bleeding in the brain." Morgan followed him towards the elevators.

"And when did you plan on telling us that you were going to be a dad?" Spencer fought the urge to roll his eyes. He should have known that Garcia was going to tell him. Spencer jammed the button on the elevator.

"I...I don't know. I need to get back the hospital."

"Come on Reid. We're going to talk about this even if I have to follow your ass back to the hospital." The elevator dinged and Spencer sighed.

"I need coffee, come on." They got into the elevator and left the building. They headed to a coffee shop near the BAU, each ordered a large coffee and sat down.

"Ok...what the hell is going on? Catherine's dad was seriously pissed the night before and even you admited that you guys were having issues. So far along is she?" Morgan liked Catherine, but he found it odd that she hadn't told anyone that she pregnant before now. _ I swear if I find out she's __playing him..._

"About four months. She found out a few days before Emily died and than she couldn't tell me."

"Were you guys planning this or is this a 'surprise'?"

"You know that 64.9 percent of all pregnancies are actually planned." Morgan gave him a look. "We talked about it and...yes we were trying on and off for months...but now that she is I guess you could call it a surprise."

"How you holding up?"

"I'm mind numbingly terrified. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that in five months _my wife_ is going to be having _my child_ and that when she needed me I flipped out."

"We've gone through a lot over the past year...JJ leaving...Emily...it just feels like every time we turn around something bad is going down. We know how to deal with bad, it's the good that we can't deal with." They sat there for awhile drinking their coffee in silence. "You were trying for a few months...damn...were you really 'trying' or were you just..."

"Shut up," muttered Spencer and Morgan grinned.

"Congratulations."

…...

"Do I really have to stay here another week?" asked Catherine. Spencer was reminded of when Haley had been put on six weeks of bed rest for Jack and Hotch said she nearly went out of her mind with the boredom of it.

"It's to make sure you're both ok," signed Spencer.

"I can't do it at home?"

"It's best if you're here so that way if anything happens you get attention right away. Garmin said that you need to rest and no more stress." Garmin had spoke to Spencer about some of Catherine's recent lab work, her blood pressure was a little higher than he liked. He thought it was most likely from the stress of the car crash, but he wanted to watch her closely to make sure she was ok.

"I would be more relaxed if I was home," signed Catherine.

"You have one more week here and than we can go home," signed Spencer. Catherine sighed and leaned back in the bed.

"Don't know who is worse, you or the MD's. My dad got to go home today." Andrew had been released this evening. He and Erin were going to stay in town for another week until Catherine was released. The older man was going to make a full recovery in time, he just considered himself lucky to be alive.

"Your dad has broken bones and his injuries aren't life threatening anymore. You are fifteen weeks pregnant and I think the MD knows what is best for you. So please for me...will you stay here another week." Catherine rolled her eyes looking at him.

"You're going to be one of those over protective dads aren't you? You're gonna wrap everything in bubble wrap, make her wear a helmet in the house with knee pads...you're gonna go home and pad the table corners aren't you?" teased Catherine.

"Do you want the statistics on how many accidents happen at home?"

"I thought I wasn't supposed to be stressed." Spencer rolled his eyes, she was messing with him on purpose.

"Please stop the mind games." Catherine grinned.

"I have to do something for fun around here." Spencer leaned over and kissed her on the lips.

"Unfair. You fight dirty sir."

"You left me no choice. Just try and relax." Catherine just sighed and adjusted herself in the bed.

"Ok...ok..ok. Can I at least have something other than hospital food? It really sucks."

"I can see about getting you something from the outside world." Spencer took a seat next to her on the bed and looked over at the fetal heart monitor. The heartbeat was fine, however over the past few days he couldn't stop looking at the monitor and watching the heartbeat of his child. It was something he couldn't take his eyes off of. He noticed that Catherine had a habit now of resting her hands on her midsection, it was where they were currently resting. Spencer placed his hands over hers and squeezed lightly and he got this far away look in his eyes.

"Are you ok?" asked Catherine.

"We didn't get a chance to get attached to the first one and we really don't talk about it...can we talk it?"

Over the past several nights they had been talking about what had lead to them almost separating. He told her about his waiting to take the drugs again and how he felt that he failed Emily when she was struggling. Catherine had told him that she had just been so tired and run down the past few months, that she had wanted to tell him the day she found out and she couldn't after finding out Emily had died. It was a lot of long sleepless nights, but it needed to done if anything was going to get better between them. Catherine nodded and Spencer went on.

"It would have been born this month...and..." Spencer told her about what Julio had said in Miami about the cause of his headaches and the other things he said.

"He said that you blamed yourself for the miscarriage...he said it would have been a boy. I know what he said is crazy, but you did blame yourself didn't you?" Catherine sighed.

"I just...it hurt so much. I mean we didn't know about it, but once I found out that it was gone I really wanted it back and I wasn't sure if we would ever be able to have another one. And than you started having those headaches and than we stopped trying for a few months. I just made me think that maybe you were upset with me for not knowing I was pregnant in the first place and that maybe you had changed your mind about us having children," signed Catherine. _We should have had this talk months ago._

"Catherine, I never blamed you for the miscarriage...it wasn't your fault. You didn't have any control over what happened. If anything it was my fault, I got you pregnant in the first place. If anything I sort of blamed myself...I got you pregnant and it almost killed you," signed Spencer and he let his hand linger on the bump. _Fifteen weeks...it's about the size of an apple now. It's eyelashes are still closed, but it can sense light. _Catherine put a hand over his and pushed it down on the bump.

"So how do you feel about getting me pregnant this time?" she asked.

"I'm really want this with you. I know that how I first reacted was horrible and I know I can never make up for that...but I want you to know that this, it means more to me than I can explain. I love you."

They had a private room and she wasn't due to be checked on for at least another hour. Catherine felt his hand on her hip and he pressed down hard. Catherine looked at him and saw that his eyes were getting dark and it was a look she hadn't seen from him in months. Spencer felt that familiar mix of longing and lust in his gut. It had been weeks since he felt that feeling for her, when they were in bed together he made it point to sleep so far on his side of the bed that they might as well slept in different beds. He barely hugged her after Emily died. It was a selfish move on his part to deny her any form of physical comfort on top of his lack of emotional support. Than again he had done a lot of selfish things. _I missed you...your so pretty..._

Spencer moved his hand under the blanket and started stroking high up on her inner thigh. He leaned down and kissed her slowly at first and than harder, his fingers started digging into her thigh and he could feel himself start to get excited. Catherine felt his hand start to drift towards her groin and she started to whimper slightly.

"You want me to stop? Am I hurting you?" he asked suddenly fearful. Catherine's eyes went towards the door and she took a deep breath and took his hand off her thigh.

"You talk the doctors into letting me do bed rest at home and we can continue this there." Spencer gave her a look that was torn between amusement and annoyance. He was torn between an overwhelming desire for her physically and the worry that she needed to stay here in case anything happened.

"You stay here for three more days and I'll see about you doing the reminder of your bed rest at home," signed Spencer.

"You fight so dirty sir."

"I learned from the best." He leaned down and kissed her again.

…...

_Three days later_

Her left arm was sore and it would be stuck in the cast for at least another three weeks. She wouldn't need any surgery on her face, the cuts weren't going to scar. The best news was that she could go home with Spencer and that everything with the baby looked ok. Spencer made sure that what wasn't covered by their insurance got sent to the guy who hit her and her father.

"If it wasn't for him you and Andrew wouldn't have been in the accident," signed Spencer glaring at the paperwork the nurse had given to him to fill out. Catherine watched his hand shake at first and than he took a breath and started to fill out the boxes. It took them awhile to fill out the forms, but once they were finished they walked the two blocks the Metro station and he took her free hand and wouldn't let go of her hand during the entire twenty minute ride. Catherine squeezed his hand and he looked down at her.

"Relax...we're going home and everything is fine," signed Catherine. She kissed his cheek and he squeezed her hand again.

"I wouldn't be surprised if Garcia hasn't broken into the apartment and has a welcome home party planned," signed Spencer. Catherine smiled and for the first time in weeks Spencer felt a small weight in his chest lift, the past few weeks all seemed like a bad dream and it felt like he was starting to wake up from it. He still felt the dull ache from the loss of Emily and he knew that a part of him would always miss her, but at least he had Catherine and what was going to be his daughter back in his life.

They walked home and Spencer unlocked the door, walked inside and waited. There was nothing. Catherine came in behind him and looked around.

"Where are the ninjas?" asked Catherine. Spencer spotted a note on the table and started to read.

_We (by we I mean Morgan and everyone else) figured that you and the Missus would like some alone time...so against my better judgment I am leaving you alone. Dinner is in the fridge along with dessert. Welcome home, Mrs. Reid and congratulations on your baby genius. _

_ Garcia. _

"Oh no BAU party ninjas?" asked Catherine. "I am very disappointed." Spencer shook his head. He had a feeling that Morgan must have hogged tied Garcia or bribed her with something that he didn't want to imagine. On the plus side he had her to himself for the first time in weeks with no interprutions.

Andrew had stopped by the hospital last night to make sure that they were going to be ok. Andrew was going to be wheelchair bound for another week and than he was going to be on crutchs for months. Andrew looked at him and motioned that they needed to talk and they stepped outside the room. Andrew looked up at him and sighed.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you...I was just angry. You and Catherine each grew up without a parent...I don't want that for yours."

"Sometimes you just have to yell at your kids," teased Spencer. He was never angry at Andrew, he was right to yell at him. Andrew shook his head.

"You'll find out soon enough." They left soon after saying their good byes and Spencer looked at Catherine in the bed with her hands over the stomach..._yes I will._

Spencer looked down at her and kissed her on the top of her head. _We're alone...just us..._

"I'm sorry...I really missed you and I shouldn't have let you leave. I'm really, really happy that you're home." Catherine gave him another smile and he hugged her carefully so that he didn't hurt her arm. Spencer let his hands settle on her hips and he pulled her a little closer to him. She felt the same to him and yet different somehow.

"Come on. They agreed to let you come home only if you stayed in bed," signed Spencer. Catherine sighed and looked up at him amused.

"Seriously why didn't you just get an MD?" Catherine went into the bedroom and took off her shoes and went to change into her pajamas. She was putting on one of Spencer's old shirts when he came into the room and grinned at her. It was an old gray button down shirt that was easy for her to pull over her head and get her arm through. It came down to almost her knees, he was always forgetting how small she was compared to him.

"Why are you always stealing my clothes?"

"You hate this shirt anyway." She got into bed and tried to make herself comfortable.

"It's not fair that I can't steal your clothes."

"I have a green shirt in the closet that would look wonderful on you. I'm not going to be able to wear it much longer anyway," She was right. On her petite frame the baby bump was noticeable, it was small and he knew that it was only a matter of time before everyone knew. He let his hand settle on the bump and smiled to himself.

"I think we had an agreement..." Spencer settled in next to her and he planted a kiss on her neck. "I did...um ask the doctors before we left...they said it was ok if we wanted to...you know." Catherine grinned at him. She missed him, he was starting to come back to her little by little. She got in front of Spencer so her back was against his chest and she could feel his heart beat and his breath catch in his throat.

"I want to...if you want to," she said softly.

"You have no idea how much I missed you," signed Spencer. She moved closer to him and he placed his hand on her bump. _I love you so much...both of you_

Sometimes we make love with our we make love with our hands. Sometimes we make love with our bodies. Always we make love with our hearts – Unknown.


	50. Chapter three part nine

Chapter three part nine

You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you. ~Frederick Buechner

"There was too much blood and gore and eewww..." whined Garcia. Catherine let out a snicker and Spencer sighed.

Catherine had finished her bed rest and the original plan had been for just them to go and see the Horror Fest playing at theater. However, Garcia had also been pestering Catherine to come out and do something with her. When Catherine told Garcia that they were going to the movies it suddenly became a group event. Rossi was doing a lecture and Hotch was still going through paper work so it was just Morgan and Seaver tagging along. It was ok though, it had been a long time since they had all really done anything together.

"Garcia it was a slasher film, how do you do a slasher film without violence?"

"You imply it," she countered. Catherine let out another giggle and pulled some Milk Duds out of her bag.

"Baby girl the movie was called Slice 6. What where you expecting?" asked Morgan.

"A refreshing beverage with a twist of comedy...I gonna have nightmares for weeks. And you..." Garcia turned to Catherine and glared. "Exposing your unborn baby to such a horrible movie! They were playing something Pixar like in the next theater and that's where you belong." Catherine rolled her eyes.

"I had the baby listening to Swan Lake so it didn't hear the screaming of the cheerleaders," signed/said Catherine. Seaver was still new and this was really only the third or fourth time they had been around each other so she didn't know sign, so Catherine would speak to her and Spencer would sign so she wasn't left out of the conversation.

"Besides with everything we do and see on a daily basis that got to you?" asked Seaver.

"Ok newbie...you might be all be all action butt kicking girl, but the rest of innocent mavins jump at things that go bump in the night."

"Why are you worried I'm sure that Morgan will protect you...when he's not jumping out of his chair and screaming like a prepubescent school girl," teased Spencer and they all started laughing.

"Oh hell no...they only reason I jumped and screamed was that I woken up by someone throwing Milk Duds at me." Morgan eyed Catherine and she just smirked.

"How could you sleep during that?" asked Garcia.

"Because he was missing out on the MST3K version we were having," said Seaver. They hadn't been able to get seats together so Spencer, Catherine and Seaver sat behind Morgan and Garcia. The movie wasn't closed captioned and Seaver had asked how Catherine could watch a movie when she could hear or read the dialogue. Catherine explained that with a movie like this, dialogue really wasn't going to matter it was going to be easy to follow. Plus...she could probably improve on the dialogue she made up in her head as the movie went on. So the three of them sat together, Catherine signing to Spencer and Spencer whispering to Seaver what Catherine was making up. Needless to say it was a comedy to them.

"And how can you three sit there and giggle as people die?" asked Garcia.

"There are not really dead...they go home and spray tan when the day is done. And coming from someone who works with teenagers all day and none of them would ever be that dumb. The second people start dying like they either leave the woods for help or stay home with their parents. Those kids were so dumb you could strangle them with a cordless phone. This what I hear in my head..."Oh Billy...where are you? I heard a strange noise, so now I'm gonna get naked and take a shower, despite the fact that the power has just gone out and we're all alone in the dark spooky house. I would leave for safety, but the car still works," said/signed Catherine. Everyone started laughing, expect Garcia who looked down at Catherine's bump.

"Oh you poor sweet baby having such twisted parents. It's ok, Auntie Penny loves you."

"Besides I fell asleep after working a twelve hour day and I have to agree with Cat on this one. Those kids were not the brightest bulbs. You mean to tell me that girl didn't know the Un-sub was behind the door."

"Villain...in movies UN-Subs are called villains," said Spencer.

"Whatever," said Morgan.

"You want to know why horror movies are so popular?" asked Spencer and Morgan rolled his eyes.

"Why is that Genius?"

"Because they pray on our instinctual need to survive. In tribal days, a woman's scream would signal danger and the men would return from hunting to protect their pack. That's why it's always the women and not men that fall victim to The Boogeyman," explained Spencer and Ashley shook her head.

"Count on you Reid to break a movie down to science. Does he talk like this at home?" asked Seaver and Garcia signed it to her.

"It's adorkable," said Catherine. Spencer rolled his eyes and Catherine took his hand.

"My favorite part of the movie is the suspense factor," said Seaver.

"Ah the ticking clock," said Spencer.

"The helpless victim walks through the dark alley...shadows reaching out for her," said Seaver.

"A sudden noise draws her attention...is someone there or is it just in her head," said Spencer. Catherine was able to follow what Spencer was saying and she rolled her eyes.

"And this is why I would either be the first to go or the final girl. Because I would not hear the strange noise and go to investigate. You people and the hearing stuff in the dark...gets you killed every time," teased Catherine.

"There is no reason anyone should be walking by themselves down a dark alley," countered Garcia and Morgan pointed out to her that they were walking down a dark alley as they spoke. "Unless they have a Derek Morgan by their side."

"Nah...rules are the biggest guy gets it first...sorry Morgan," teased Catherine.

"You are just the worst this evening...I think you hit your head harder than they thought or bed rest drove you crazy," said/signed Garcia.

"Well she is right..." started Seaver and was quickly shut down when Garcia glared at her.

"My favorite part is you never know when the end is going to come," said Spencer.

"Next time I pick the movie," whined Garcia. Catherine reached into her bag and pulled out a small bag of Oreos.

"God Lord...what else do you have in that bag? I have watched you pull out at least seven different snack foods over the course of this evening," said/signed Morgan.

"I'm starving," she muttered and she offered him a cookie and Morgan took it.

"This is after eating a large tub of popcorn, a thing of Twizzlers, a large soda, a thing of Mild Duds and before the movie I watched you take a bag of carrots, some apple slices, some string cheese out and devour those while we waited for tickets."

"I'll repeat myself...I'm starving."

"You know that most pregnant women need to eat an extra 300 calories a day...still it is impressive to watch someone so tiny devour food like they're going to make in illegal," teased Spencer.

"Hey you have another person growing inside you and see how much you devour," said Garcia.

"Besides I have seen non pregnant people put away a lot more than she has. At least she has a reason to eat," said Seaver.

"We weren't saying she didn't...it's just impressive," said Spencer. Spencer shook his head and took a cookie from Catherine.

"JJ was also an impressive eater...remember the Big Mac incident?" asked Morgan. Spencer, Garcia, and Catherine started laughing and Seaver looked confused.

"JJ was about four months pregnant with her son Henry and we were in Vermont finishing up a missing persons case and we were on our way to the airport when JJ asks us to stop at a McDonald...so we stop and she gets out and goes in. She's in there for like twenty minutes and when she comes back she has a huge take out bag...she starts pulling out Big Macs and eats like six of them on the way to the plane," said Morgan.

"We get on the plane and she keeps pulling Big Mac's out of this bag and she is devouring them like her life depended on it. She ate twelve of them total and she still had five more in the bag...I don't think I've seen her touch a Big Mac since though," said Spencer.

"Whoa that is impressive," said Seaver.

"Yeah...I don't think I can do that," said Catherine.

"Oh give it time baby," said Garcia. They said their good nights and Spencer took Catherine's hand and they caught one of the last trains home. She pulled a thing of cheese crackers out of her bag and started snacking on those, she offered him a cracker and he declined.

"Are you really that hungry?" asked Spencer. Catherine nodded.

"Yeah it just seems to be a non stop thing," admitted Catherine.

"Well considering you spent over six weeks vomiting and not being able to eat...I think you're making up for lost time," teased Spencer. Catherine finished the crackers and smiled at him.

"You promise to love me when I look like a beach ball?"

"I promised to love you no matter what and considering I'm part of the reason you're in the state that your in, it would be rather shallow of me to stop loving you." They got off the train and headed towards home.

"So other than the overwhelming urge to eat are you feeling ok?" asked Spencer. Since her coming home he had become overly protective of her, more so than he usually was. Catherine looked up at him and smiled. It wasn't just her that he was being protective of. When she would go to sleep he would wrap his arms around her and let his hands rest on her midsection. When he was home, she would catch him looking at her and he had this look in his eyes of just overwhelming love and commitment. Catherine knew that if given the chance he would make an excellent father and he was proving that before she was even born.

"We're fine." Spencer unlocked the apartment and let them in. Catherine took off her shoes and sat her bag down. Spencer started sorting through the mail and pulled out a letter from his mother. He had written her that Catherine was pregnant and wondered how she would react. The past few months she had been dealing with the changes in her medication and sometimes she would just send him pages of ramblings that even he couldn't make sense of. He wondered what it was going to be. He sat down next to her and opened the letter.

_Spencer,_

_ Words do not begin to describe the joy I feel upon finding out that you and Catherine will be having children of your own at last. I know that you had your doubts about having children, but having you was one of the best moments of my life and I wouldn't trade that for anything. You must however be very careful...I know you work for the government and they demand a great deal from you, but don't let them near your child. _

Spencer rolled his eyes and sat the letter down. Catherine looked at him confused, but didn't reach for the letter. They were between him and his mother and if he wanted her to read them he would let her.

"My mom is worried that 'they' will want our baby and that I shouldn't let them have it," explained Spencer. Catherine sighed, she knew that Diana had been acting out more than normal and she knew that it was stressing him out. Spencer just rolled his eyes and picked the letter back up to keep reading it. It went on about how important it was to protect his child against danger by any means necessary and something about making sure it was actually his child biological. Catherine saw his jaw sort of tense up.

"I need to call Dr. Newman in the morning about her medication...she's getting worse," signed Spencer. "She thinks that you might have been taken by 'them' when I was away and impregnated by another person...it's just bizarre." Catherine hugged him.

"You gonna be ok?"

"Yeah...it's just hard to see her like this," he held up the letter.

"You know I'm not teaching this summer. I'm just going to be working from home." Catherine had opted to not teach classes this summer, instead she was going to be working from home. She was going to be an assistant for some professors at the college; mostly just typing up or grading their exams or running papers through Turn-it-in.

"If you want me to go and see her for you I can." Spencer sat the letter aside, he hadn't seen his mother in almost a year and he knew that he should go an see her. It was just hard, her letters were a sign of how she was and she was getting worse. Spencer reached over and just hugged her. They got ready for bed and Catherine felt him curl up next to her and let his hands settle on her stomach. He pulled her close and Catherine felt Spencer drift off the sleep.

…...

The next few weeks were back to back cases, it hardly felt like he had a chance to breath. Spencer had just come back from a case in Florida and he let himself into the the apartment, Catherine looked up at him from her spot on the sofa and grinned.

"Hey welcome home," she signed. Spencer tossed his bag down and sat down next to her on the sofa. She was working through grading exams, it looked like it was from her 1st and 2nd year French and Japanese students.

"Finals week?" he asked.

"Yep...tomorrow are the junior and the seniors. And than summer break...whoa..." A look of panic crossed Catherine's face and she rubbed her midsection.

"What?" asked Spencer.

"I think...I think she just kicked me," signed Catherine. Catherine took his hand and placed it on her stomach. Spencer waited a few moments and felt nothing and than suddenly he felt something move under his hand and it was so quick he almost missed it. Spencer waited a few more moments and there, he felt it again...it was almost a fluttering motion. It was freaky and it scared him, but this was his child and he could feel how alive it was inside her. He took his hand back and it was shaking and Catherine looked at him grinning.

"You know most fetal movements start at eighteen weeks...you're almost nineteen weeks now...you're almost halfway there." It was all happening so fast and he hated the fact that he had missed out on the first early stages of her pregnancy. He was worried about missing out on any more of the pregnancy, in the few weeks that he had been gone she had gotten bigger. It was clear that she pregnant now, there was really no hiding it anymore. Catherine rubbed her stomach and winced.

"It's so weird," said Catherine. Spencer put his hand back on her stomach and felt that movement again. "Hello Abby."

"Abby?" asked Spencer.

"I um...I really like the name Abigail. If you don't like it..." Spencer thought about the Abigail's he had met on the job. There was the Abby who had survived the Anthrax attack with him...there was Abigail Moore, the young girl who had been molested by Dr. Malcolm, the way he had with his daughter Samantha...he thought about what the name Abigail meant.

"It's Hebrew...it means joy of the father. Abigail..."Spencer pushed his hand down and looked at the bump. "Hello Abby...this feels weird. I mean I know were supposed to talk to her, so we bond with her and so she gets used to the sound of our voices, but it still feels so unreal."

"You think she can hear us?" asked Catherine. It was unclear if the baby would be Deaf from birth the way she was or if the hearing lost would be later in life. She had been playing music for the baby, but still Catherine wondered if it would make any difference.

"The sounds create vibrations in the womb and she'll feel those and each sound is a different vibration.. so even if she can't hear us she'll feel the vibrations," signed Spencer. Catherine kissed him on the forehead.

"Thank you. So since I picked out the first name would you like to pick out the middle name?" asked Catherine.

"Did you know that phrase 'middle name' was not recorded until 1835, but the practice of having a middle name has been around since the late 17th century?" asked Spencer. Catherine shook her head looking at him, only he would know such a thing and it was one of the reasons she loved him so much.

"No I didn't know that."

"Middle names in most English speaking countries are also popular first names, but in most Spanish cultures, it is popular for the Father's surname to be the middle and the mother's maiden name to be last or visa versa...actually in Asian cultures they rarely do middle names at all...what they do is..."Catherine kissed him on lips.

"Can we have names please?"

"I was rambling again wasn't I?"

"Yes." Spencer laughed to himself and settled on the sofa.

_You thinking about it?_

_ What?_

_ Having little baby geniuses? _It was still at lot to wrap his head around the fact that she was due in five short months and that he had just felt his _daughter_ move for the first time. That if _she_ was here she would be just as excited as everyone else, if not more so since she knew what they had gone through losing the first one.

"Emily...Abigail Emily..." he signed. Catherine looked at him and squeezed his hand.

"I miss her too and if she was here I would have wanted her to be the godmother...it would have brought the wrath of Garcia on me, but I think she would understand," signed Catherine. Catherine hugged him and she felt Spencer weave his fingers through her hair.

"Abigail Emily Reid...I think it's a good name," said Catherine. Spencer looked down at her and kissed her forehead.

"I like it too."

…...

_The baby was in circle and Spencer could see her through the window. She had dark brown hair and was wearing a pair of pink footie pajamas. _

_ "It's her," said Spencer._

_ "We have to wait," said Morgan._

_ "Why?" he asked._

_ "Because we have too," ordered Morgan. The baby started crying and her cries just tore through Spencer._

_ "We have to get to her before the Un-sub comes back," hissed Spencer. He looked back through the window and the baby was still crying and it just physically hurt to hear her cries. "I'm going in." Morgan went to stop him, but he was already at the front door of the house and it was unlocked. Spencer walked in before Morgan could reached him. Weapon drawn, Spencer started to clear the house and was listening to see if he could hear the baby. She was close by, her cries were getting louder and they were sounding more frightened. He reached a door at the end of the hall and her cries were coming from behind the door. Spencer opened the door slowly. The room was dark and he couldn't see anyone else in the room other than the baby._

_ "Hey...shush...it's ok..." He was only a few steps away from her, when someone he couldn't see reached out and picked up the baby. "Let her go...just let her go." he couldn't see the Un-sub or the baby as they stepped back into the darkness, but he could hear the child's cries and he couldn't help her._

_ "Just let her go...please...please don't hurt her...please don't hurt her..."_

"Spencer...Spencer." He jerked awake and was shaking. He hadn't had that particular nightmare in years. Catherine was sitting up in the bed and was looking at him worried and confused.

"Are you ok?" she asked out loud. His eyes went to her bump and he shook his head no.

"I dreamed...I dreamed that there was a baby and I...I couldn't save her in time and she was crying," signed Spencer. He was still shaking and near tears. Whatever this dream was it was very upsetting to him. Catherine took his hands and placed them on her midsection.

"She's fine...she's fine. Ok. She's right here and she's safe," said Catherine slowly and calmly to him. Catherine let him hold her until he stopped shaking. Spencer sighed and wiped his eyes, it had been weeks since he had a headache, but he could feel the tingling of one start. Catherine kissed him slowly and brushed his hair back.

"It's ok, we're right here." Spencer nodded and he reached over to his nightstand drawer and pulled out the bracelet that Julio had given him months ago and squeezed it in his hand.

"Catherine I know this is going to seem really odd request at two o' clock in the morning, but will you wear this?" Catherine looked at him confused.

"Ok. What is it?" Spencer slide the bracelet on her wrist. It was a little loose, but it fit.

"You remember the man I told you about...Julio?" Catherine nodded. "He said I needed it for protection, but I would just feel better if you would wear it. I know it sounds crazy since I don't have any serious religious beliefs, but..."Catherine cut him off.

"I'll wear it...just calm down. Come on, lets try and go back to sleep." Catherine convinced him to lay back down. She closed her eyes and she drifted back to sleep, Spencer laid there in the dark and thought to himself. The head ache was starting to go away and he hadn't had one in weeks. He couldn't explain it, maybe the other doctors were right and it was stress related. Spencer had never believed in any religion at all. He had studied them so he had an understanding of how the worked. However, he still wondered what Julio had meant about clearing the ghosts from his head. Had he somehow cleared them finally? Spencer looked over at Catherine and watched her sleep_. We conceived her when I came home from that case, I had just gotten the negative result from my doctor and I was so mad about it. But I missed you, I missed the connection we share. I was starting to get another head ache, but I just want you so much._ Spencer's hand reached out and touched Catherine's bump..._This...this will always be our connection. No matter what._ Spencer rolled over and went back to sleep. It felt like he had only been asleep for a few minutes, when his cell phone went off. He reached over blindly and grabbed it.

"Reid," he answered.

"It's Hotch...can you come in this morning. By five," he said. Spencer looked at the clock and it was close to 4 am.

"Yeah...just let me shower and I'll be there in thirty minutes." Before Spencer could ask why he was calling them in so early Hotch hung up. Spencer got out of bed and took his shower and got dressed in the dark so he wouldn't wake up Catherine just yet. He made himself a cup of coffee to go and than headed back into the bedroom to say goodbye. He sat down next to her and nudged her lightly. Catherine opened her eyes slowly and looked at him.

"You have another bad dream?" she asked out loud.

"I have to go in early and Hotch really didn't tell us why. I'll text you when I find out what is going on. Have a good day ok." He bent down and kissed her.

"You too," muttered Catherine before going back to sleep

…...

The last time they were called in this early was when Gideon left the unit. Spencer wondered if this was the case this time also. He got their first and sat down with his coffee and started reading one of the many baby books JJ had handed his way.

"Well look who's trying to be a good parent," teased Rossi sitting across from him.

"You know studies have shown that it's not the books that make good parents, its the fact that the parent went out and bought the book. It shows a willingness to learn how to be parent," said Spencer.

"And what have you learned."

"I already knew who to not raise a serial killer based on working this job for almost seven years...not much else is new in here." He shoved the book in his bag and took a sip of his coffee. Seaver came in next, followed by Morgan and than a frantic looking Garcia.

"I didn't get a file sent to me. Did the case go directly to him?" she asked sitting down.

"I don't know," said Rossi.

"When was the last time he called a meeting this early?" asked Seaver.

"Three years and eight months ago," said Spencer without thinking.

"And what happened?"

"Gideon left." Garcia looked even more freaked out.

"Who's leaving?"

"Nobody," said Morgan and Spencer started rocking back and forth in his chair.

Rossi didn't say anything, but who knew maybe he was ready to retire again or maybe Hotch was going to leave to spend more time with Jack since he was getting older now and would remember things better. If he wanted to be honest with himself, the thought of leaving too had gone through his mind once or twice. Emily's death had hurt him a great deal and he was starting to see why Elle and Gideon had left, if they couldn't protect the victims or keep each other safe than why keep this fight up. He now also had Catherine to consider and...Abby. It was odd to consider the wants and needs of someone who wasn't here yet, but he knew he needed to start. She deserved a father, someone who was there when she would need him. Granted Hotch did a very good job trying to balance work with Jack in his life, but he thought about all the times Hotch would mentally beat himself up over missing this event or that event with Jack due to work. Spencer was torn, he loved the family he had made here over the years, but he also had two people who might need him here too. Hotch came into the meeting room trying not to look distracted.

"I appreciate everyone coming in early," said Hotch.

"What's going on?" asked Rossi. It was hard to hide anything from a group of profilers, Rossi could have seen the tension in Hotch's walk from three blocks away. Hotch took a deep breath and sat down before going on.

"The Director called a meeting last night to discuss budgets."

"He skipped over Strauss?" asked Rossi confused.

"She's away," was all Hotch would give him. "The Bureau is facing a lot of changes and this unit is no exception. Over the next few weeks, each of you is going to be asked if you want to stay with the unit."

"Why wouldn't we?" asked Spencer. He had the thoughts, but it didn't mean he wanted to act on them. Especially if it wasn't by his own choosing like it had been with JJ. _I just wanted to see if I could maybe stay here in DC and do more consulting or teach more of the BAU courses at the Academy, but not leave the BAU for good._

"There are other options for you out there. And while I want the unit to stay together, I will understand completely if you want to see what the alternatives are. Morgan, there has been renewed interest in you at the New York Field office," said Hotch.

"No one has called me yet," said Morgan.

"They will," said Hotch.

"Doesn't mean I want to go."

"I know."

"Are you staying here?" asked Seaver.

"It's my intention. All I ask is that if you are contacted by another division that you will let me know," said Hotch. Before he could say anything else his cell went off. "We can be there in twenty minutes."

Hotch hung up the phone and explained that the Virginia PD had uncovered what they felt could be a serial killer and were asking for their help. At least this case was close to home, unlike the last three that had taken him to South Carolina and Florida twice in the span of a month. Hotch split them up to do different assignments. Hotch and Rossi went to the crime scene leaving him and Seaver to sort through a paper trial once they ID'ed the victims. _At least I'm close to home...this time..._

…...

"I hope you all have an awesome summer...go do whatever it is you kids do nowadays," signed Catherine after collecting the exams from the kids.

"Will you be back this fall Mrs. Reid?" asked one of the girls who was a Junior.

"I'm going to try and stay until I'm due and than I'll take off until either January or February," explained Catherine. She had up to sixteen weeks of maternity leave offered to her and she planned on taking it. If she wanted more it would have to be unpaid. She and Spencer really hadn't talked about how they were going to handle her leave or if he wanted to take some time off after Abby was born...god they still had a lot to figure out yet.

"Well Mrs. Reid we all wish you the best," signed Saul giving her salute. Catherine shook her head. God she was going to miss him, he was always to put a smile on her face. "You best lock your doors, if she looks anything like you...Dr. Reid is going to have to start carrying his gun all the time," teased Saul and all the other kids started to laugh.

"All of you get out of here," signed Catherine mock glaring at the kids. They picked up their bags and headed out for their summer break. Saul hung behind though and Catherine started putting the exams in the bag.

"Ok sir...you already an A, unless you just sat there and stared out the window for the past hour an half you have most certainly have passed this class."

"I just...my mom and grandma wanted you to have this," he reached into his backpack and pulled out a knitted blanket. It was white and pink with a bunny on it.

"Oh wow...this is...thank you very much," signed Catherine. She was deeply touched that his mother and grandmother had done something so touching for her. She hugged him.

"And I think I will miss you most of all," she signed wiping her eyes.

"Oh don't cry...I hate it when you cry," signed Saul wiping his own eyes. "Besides...I'll need to come home and see all my girls. My mami, my abuela, my sister, Savannah...you and your baby girl...damn too many woman in my life. I should start wearing a dress to fit in."

"You do have nice legs. You have a good summer Saul, I'll see you at your graduation party." He hugged her again and left the classroom. Catherine wiped her eyes, she was deeply touched by his gift. Catherine picked up her things and along with Saul's gift she left her classroom for the summer.

…...

Spencer sighed and picked up his bag, it had been a long twenty hour day. What had started as a serial killer case had quickly turned into a human trafficking ring with a missing federal agent to boot. It was only of those cases that that had what could be call a 'happy ending'. Eighteen people had been arrested for being part of the ring, seven victims saved and the leader of the ring had been killed after she tried to pull a gun on Rossi. By now Catherine was most likely asleep, but he was starving to death and Indian food sounded amazing right now. Seaver agreed to go with him and they took her car and went across town to get some dinner.

"So are you thinking about it?" asked Seaver.

"About what?" asked Spencer taking a bite of his naan.

"Leaving the BAU or going to another unit." Seaver toyed with her rice while Spencer thought about his answer. Seaver seemed suddenly ill at ease, she had been so excited to join the BAU and now he had a feeling that the luster was starting to fade. _I know the feeling._

"I would be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind over the last few months and I would be lying if I didn't say I need to talk to Catherine." Seaver looked at him confused.

"Seriously?"

"Well...it's not that I don't still like working at the BAU, but I have to consider what this career does to my home life and what's going to happen after the baby is born. It's no longer just me that I have to think about when it comes to this job. So I'm going to have to talk to Catherine and see how she feels," admitted Spencer. Seaver toyed with her rice some more before looking at him.

"You're gonna be a good dad." Spencer looked at her surprised. "My dad...at times I felt like he loved me, but you...I can tell that you love your child. You love this job and you're willing to give it up for her. You know what my dad loved and well...he never gave that up."

"Your dad had a serious illness, he couldn't stop until he was caught," countered Spencer.

"The agent in me knows that, but the daughter in me is still mad that he didn't love me more to even try. You already love your daughter enough to give up something up." The ate the rest of their meal in silence. "I...I sort of liked working with Agent Swan and I need to know what happened to the other sixty we didn't find. I like the BAU, but it's not for me. I want to help people, but it's not here."

"Agent Swan is good to work with and it's good that you recognize the fact that you don't _want_ this. I'm really hoping that it's not because we were distant with you when you first joined...it was just a bad time for everyone," said Spencer.

"If anything the BAU was the first place I felt like I belonged almost. You guys never judged me badly once even when I should have been. I just...I want to make a difference and I don't feel like it's happening there." They finished the meal and Spencer paid for there meal and Seaver gave him a small smile. Seaver drove him back to his apartment and she shook Spencer's hand.

"Good luck," said Spencer. He went to get out of the car and she spoke again.

"I just thought you should know that no matter what you do, she's going to love you. It's just...it's a daughter thing. Good luck to you too," said Seaver. Spencer got out and waved good bye to Seaver. She drove away and Spencer went into the building and into the apartment. Catherine was sound asleep and he saw that she was still wearing the green bracelet. He crawled into bed with her and she rolled over and wrapped an arm around his waist.

"You're home," she muttered. He took her hand and kissed it.

"Yeah I'm home."

…...

"That is not breakfast," signed Spencer. Catherine was sitting on the sofa eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's at eight am.

"But it has peaches in it."

"It's not breakfast."

"It's tradition." She had a tradition of having a pint of Ben and Jerry's the first morning of summer break. It was just a habit she had gotten into over the years and she clearly wasn't going to break her tradition. Spencer made himself a cup of coffee and sat down next to her.

"It has peaches in it," signed Catherine pointing at the label. "It's fruit."

"It's loaded with sugar though..." Spencer caught Catherine glaring at him with the spoon pointed at him like a weapon. "I'll let it pass."

"You are a genius." She finished her pint and had a glass of OJ. "So are you off today?"

"I have to be in by nine-thirty. When do you start working again?"

"I submitted all my grades last night, but the college stuff starts in two weeks, goes till July and than I have all of August off until school starts again."

"Can I talk to you about something?"

"About?" Spencer explained what Hotch had told him and how there was the possibility of being assigned to a new unit if he wanted it.

"Are you asking me or telling me that you want to go to a new unit?" asked Catherine.

"I guess I'm asking you how you would feel if I did want to go to a new unit," explained Spencer.

"Do you want to go to a new unit?" Spencer shifted in his spot and thought.

"I want what is going to best for all of us. If my leaving the BAU and going to a different unit would make our lives easier in the long run...so I can be closer to home than it's what needs to be done."

"Is it what you want? The BAU makes you happy. Your job makes you happy and it would be selfish of me to ask you to give that up. If you want to leave the BAU than do it because it's what you want, not because you think it's what I want." Spencer finished his coffee and looked over at Catherine.

"Are you sure?"

"You get the bad guys, it's what you do and I'm proud of you for it. Someone needs to be out there making the world a safer place and you do a very good job of it." Spencer leaned over and kissed her.

"Thank you."

"It's what I'm here for."

…...

They called him in the following Monday to talk to him. It was Hotch and a few of the other higher ups from different departments. Spencer recognized one of them from the NSA and someone else from Homeland Security and the third was a woman he didn't recognize.

"Reid, please take a seat," said Hotch. He sat down and the introduced to Thomas Munson from NSA, Jacob Wallin from Homeland Security and Melissa Rougha from Counter-terrorism. Hotch and the higher ups opened copies of this personal file, Munson took the lead.

"I believe we've spoken in the past, Dr. Reid. Your skills in code breaking are rather impressive."

"Thank you," said Spencer politely. Wallin and Rougha asked him several questions about his time at the BAU and they explained to him how with his eidetic memory, his skills with code breaking, mathematics and psychology how he would be vital to their department.

"Would I have to travel?" asked Spencer.

"No, all of these posts are based here in DC. The information comes to us and you would just put it together," said Rougha.

"The hours would also be better and we would consider putting you in charge of your own team based on your years here," said Munson. Spencer sat there quietly for several minutes before speaking again.

"Do I have to give you me decision now?"

"No," said Hotch.

"Because my decision is to stay with the BAU. While the other offers, especially yours Chief Munson are very tempting. I feel my place is here with the BAU."

"Well, I think that wraps everything up," said Hotch before anyone else could say anything. They all shook hands and each left their cards and written down offers with him in case he changed his mind. They left except Hotch who sat back down.

"You know most people would do unspeakable things to have your talents and to have the offers you just turned down." Spencer sat back down across from him.

"I'm not most people," said Spencer with a small grin. Hotch returned the small smile and closed his file.

"No...no you're not. So do you mind me asking why you turned down a raise both in position and salary to stay here?"

"For the same reason you did." Hotch nodded and put the file in his briefcase.

"So far the only sane person seems to be Seaver."

"Can I ask you for something else?" asked Spencer.

"Of course."

"You said I had a lot of saved time off?"

"Still almost a year of PTO."

"Would...would it be possible for me take sabbatical for a few weeks?" Hotch raised an eyebrow. "It's just...with Catherine taking the summer off and my mother having health issues I would like to spend more time with them if possible."

"When do you want to take this sabbatical?" asked Hotch.

"As soon as possible," said Spencer.

"It will take me a few hours to get the paperwork together, but I don't see any reason why you can't start your sabbatical tomorrow. I would like you to clear the paperwork off your desk first and what you can't clear just give it Morgan," said Hotch his smile getting a little bigger.

"Thank you." Spencer got up and went to leave when Hotch called out to him.

"Reid...don't think about this place while you're gone."

"Understood."

…...

"You're leaving," asked Garcia when he was trying to catch the elevator to leave. She seemed near tears.

"Not leaving, it's a sabbatical," said Spencer.

"You never take vacation unless it's mandatory!" Spencer sighed.

"Let's go talk in your office." He followed her back to her office and she was fuming the whole way.

"Unreal! Seaver takes a transfer and you're taking a sabbatical...they're going to bring new people in and I'm tried of trying to like the people because the second I start they leave on me and now my other babies are leaving me and..."

"Whoa, Garcia...it's a vacation. Catherine is working from home this summer and I need to take care of some stuff with my mom. I just need to get some personal things taken care of. I'm staying with the unit and I'll be back when school starts again. Just right now...my 'other' family needs me." Garcia sighed.

"It's not fair when you put it like that! I know that your having a baby and that you need time with them, but...I'm gonna miss my boy genius," she pouted.

"Would it help if I hugged you?"

"Very much so," she wiped her eyes and Spencer gave her a huge hug.

"Besides...someone needs to throw Catherine one of those baby party things."

"Baby shower and it will be so kick ass that it will make other unborn babies jealous."

"I don't even want to know how that would work." Garcia hugged him again.

"I expect weekly emails from you or we're meeting for dinner every Saturday night with JJ."

"Yes mom," said Spencer. She shooed him out of her office he turned to the leave however he decided to give her another piece of good news. "I just thought you would like to know that while I'm gone...JJ will be coming back and..." Garcia whipped around.

"What?"

"She told me that she's going to take the profiler classes so..." Before he could get another word out Garcia hugged him so hard it hurt his ribs. "I like breathing..." She stepped back and wiped her eyes.

"Oh go home before we get anymore sappy," she gave him a small push and Spencer shook his head and headed for home.

The first morning of his vacation Catherine handed him a pint of Ben and Jerry's and a cup of coffee

"It's tradition," signed Catherine. Spencer shook his head and had a sip of coffee before taking up the ice cream.

"To tradition."

I have measured out my life with coffee spoons. T.S. Eliot

Notes- Ep's used- The Stranger and Supply and Demand. The nightmare-Reid mentioned it in The Popular Kids from season one.

Reviews?


	51. Chapter three part ten

Chapter three part ten

In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love. Diego Marchi

It was a week before Catherine was supposed to start picking up work from the college and it was also their one year wedding anniversary.

"We could go to New York for the weekend," suggested Spencer and Catherine just shook her head.

"No...everyone is either on summer break or about to start so it's just going to be hellish," signed Catherine. "You know what we haven't done in like forever?"

"There are a lot of things we haven't done in forever," signed Spencer.

"We used to go star gazing when we were kids and we haven't done that in forever." Spencer just looked at her.

"I'm offering you a chance to sit in a three star hotel room with room service and you want to go out in the woods and look at stars...I forgot who is the dork in this relationship?" asked Spencer. Catherine gave him a small shove and went to make them lunch. He followed her into the kitchen to help her.

"You really want to go out to the middle of no where and look at stars?" asked Spencer.

"Yes I'm the dork in the relationship," admitted Catherine. Spencer looked down at her.

"And it's why I love you." He kissed the top of her head.

"So you want me to look up hotels in BFE?" asked Catherine. Spencer took a bite of his sandwich and thought for a moment. The last time he had been there it was to make sure Gideon was ok and he hadn't been out there since. _He did say I could go up there whenever I wanted. _

"Actually I know a place we can stay and it's free...actually if we pack now we can be there by four or five."

Catherine looked over at him and smiled. She didn't know what had gotten into him lately, he surprised the hell out of her when he told her that he was going to request a sabbatical and that it was going to be all summer. He told her that he was going to go to Vegas when she started working again, that he needed to visit his mother. That maybe once her summer gig ended and she was feeling ok to fly they could go out there together to see both their families. Spontaneity was not something he was known for, but she could get used to it. _When he puts his mind to somethings he really does go all out. _

…...

"You ok?" asked Spencer. Catherine was sitting in the passenger and she was rubbing her side.

"She's just kicking a lot because of the bumpy road," said Catherine. She remembered this road, it was the road they had taken to Gideon's. It was in the middle of nowhere and they most certainly would be able to see the stars from there. The last time they had gone up there, Spencer was going through withdrawal and she was still recovering from the assault dealt to her by an ex-boyfriend of a student. The week they had spent up there had been memorable, but for all the wrong reasons. It had been one of trying to come back together after finding themselves in a place they couldn't figure out how they got to. That had been almost four years and now she was once again in the passenger seat of his car heading up to a cabin in the middle of nowhere. Only this time it was for a much happier reason. Catherine leaned back in her seat and drifted off to sleep.

Spencer looked over and saw that Catherine had nodded off. If she wasn't driving she had a habit of falling asleep in the car during long drives. When they were kids she did the same thing, her dad would take them camping in the desert and they would be on the road for an hour and she would pass out. It was a habit that annoyed Spencer when they were growing up, it wasn't until he was thirteen that it became sort of cute. They were driving back from Red Rock Canon and he was sitting next to her in the car and she drifted off to sleep. She slumped over and fell on his shoulder, he could smell her hair, felt her breathing on his neck and her body near his. It triggered something that he would recognize years later as an unconscious lust response. He felt like he couldn't breathe and he closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep just so he could stay near her. It was a feeling that he tried very hard to fight against for years. That she was his friend, his best friend and acting on that impulse would be wrong. It wasn't until he was eighteen that he finally gave into that feeling and when she fell asleep next to him afterward he wondered why he tried so hard to fight it. It wasn't until he woke up and the doubt started creeping in that he found himself regretting acting on impulse. Spencer looked over at the sleeping form and realized that a lot of things he wished he could do over concerned either his lack of impulse control or not acting at all.

They reached the cabin, Spencer reached over and woke her up carefully. She woke up and looked over at him.

"We're here." They got out of the car and carried their bags and supplies into the cabin. A fine layer of dust had settled on almost everything, but the power and water still worked.

"I didn't think this through all the way," admitted Spencer as Catherine started writing in the dust on a table. She just grinned at him and started looking for a dust rag to start cleaning up. Spencer went and changed the sheets on the bed than he started helping Catherine with the dusting. It was clear that Gideon hadn't been here in ages, however he made sure the lights and power were paid up in case he wanted to come out here. It took awhile to get everything in order, but once they were finished it was livable.

"You know if Garcia knew we were cleaning a house on our anniversary she would hit me," signed Spencer.

"It was my idea to go to the middle of nowhere. Besides it's not so bad now," signed Catherine. She was right about it not being so bad now that it was clean. They made dinner together and decided to leave the dishes until morning. When it was dark enough they grabbed a blanket and a small telescope and headed outside.

Spencer spread out the blanket while Catherine set up the telescope. It was old, but they were able to see a few constellations, it was a nice night but it was too cloudy in some spots.

"I guess I didn't think this through all the way either," signed Catherine laying down on the blanket. Spencer sat the telescope aside and laid down next to her and she rolled over to face him.

"Happy Anniversary," signed Catherine.

"Happy Anniversary to you too," signed Spencer. "You know they say the first year of marriage is always the hardest."

"I'm just happy to have a marriage make it a year." She grinned at him and he just shook his head. He reached over and took her hand and waited for the clouds to break.

"Do you...do you mind if I ask you something?" asked Spencer.

"You just did."

"Funny. I know this is going to sound like an odd question considered we've been together for over five years now, but I just...do you mind me asking how many people were you with intimately when we weren't together?" Catherine looked at him confused.

"Ok...I don't know where this is going, but I'll play. Two."

"Two?" repeated Spencer.

"Paul and a guy who I was student teaching with in Boston about four months after Paul and I divorced. It was so stupid. So how people have you been with?"

"One an a half."

"Did you have a thing with a midget that is accounting for the half?"

"There was a thing with another grad student and the half would be me almost making out with a TV actress in a pool."

"You would brag about that considered how I look like right now." Catherine gestured to her bump.

"I didn't mean..."

"It was a joke. So do you mind me asking why you wanted to know?" Spencer sighed.

"I just...you were my first and I would be lying if I didn't say that when I was with my one an half I thought of you and it's going to sound narcissistic but I wondered if you ever thought of me when you were with anyone else?" Catherine moved closer to him, it was the subtle way she pressed her pelvis against his, the way her hands settled on his chest and the quick kiss to his neck that just made his heart race.

"I did on occasion think of you. The way it was with you that first time...it wasn't the same with anyone else."

"How so?" Catherine felt Spencer's hand creep up her side and pull her a little closer.

"When I was with Paul I did feel loved and safe, but I was always holding back something from him. I don't know what it was it, but he never completely had me. I never felt like I had to hold back with you." Catherine felt his lips on her neck and his free hand in her hair.

"Let's go inside," signed Spencer. He went to get up and Catherine made him stay there.

"Just stay here." The look on his face was almost priceless. "No one is going to know."

"I just...I've never done this..." Catherine took off her over shirt and she wearing a spaghetti strapped shirt.

"And I'm telling you no one will know." Spencer took a deep breath and laid back down with her.

"You know if we get caught we could..."

"Shut up," muttered Catherine kissing him

…...

They were walking back to the cabin and Catherine had a smirk on her face.

"Stop it," signed Spencer looking at her.

"Only you."

"It's not funny."

"Only you."

"I'm glad you find this so funny."

"Hey it's not my fault that you couldn't find your socks."

"Some poor hiker is someday going to find those and they'll know what we did."

"Yes they are going to know those are your socks and than they tell everybody what we did ...we're going to lose our jobs and our home and we'll have to come and live in the cabin. We are not the first people to lose clothing in woods." Spencer was glad that it was so dark, Catherine couldn't see how red he was turning.

"It's just going to be horrible...we'll never get her into a good school and...did we leave that light on?" asked Catherine. They had left the porch light on, but not any other the other lights. Spencer looked and saw another car in the driveway that he didn't recognize.

"Stay here," signed Spencer.

"What?"

"My car keys are in the cabin...if I'm not back in five minutes to get you... just stay here and stay out sight."

"What?"

"Just do it." He went up to the cabin and looked inside the other car and didn't see any keys, but it was unlocked. He didn't hear anything coming from the cabin. Spencer went up the stairs and opened the door slowly and he didn't see anything, but he heard someone messing around in one of the back rooms. He had to get past them to get to the car keys. Gideon kept a spare gun in the side table the last time he had been there and it was still there. He made sure it was loaded before going down the hall. Spencer went down the hall and the man had his back turned.

"I'm going to give you one chance to leave. Don't give me a reason to shoot you." The man let out a laugh and turned to face him.

"You are far nicer than I am. I would have just shot."

"Gideon?" The older man had a beard now and his hair had more gray in it than Spencer remembered. Spencer sat the gun again and the older man embraced him.

"It's good to see you too."

"Um. Wait here a minute," said Spencer and Gideon heard him go outside and come back in a few minutes later with a pregnant Catherine. It stunned Gideon into silence for a few moments.

"Well look at you," said/signed Gideon and he hugged her.

"You learned Sign?" asked Catherine.

"I had a lot of free time on my hands." Catherine caught the looks being exchanged between Spencer and Gideon. They really hadn't spoke in three years.

"I'm going to go make some tea," signed Catherine and she left the two of them to talk. Gideon looked at Spencer's left hand and saw the ring on his third finger.

"When did you two get married?"

"A year ago today." Gideon sat down on the bed and Spencer sat across from him.

"Congratulations. I take it that's what prompted the trip up here, your anniversary."

"Yeah...it was just a spur of the moment thing really. Do you come up here a lot."

"Only for the summer. I'm living in Maine right now...I started teaching some Criminal Justice classes at a school there. Just the terminology...no profiling. You're still with the unit." It was a statement, not a question.

"Actually I'm taking a sabbatical right now." Gideon looked at him shocked.

"Will you be going back when it's done?"

"Yeah...I just...a lot has happened since you left and at times it's been really hard."

"You could have called...than again I could have too. It looks like you've done well for yourself. I'm just trying to figure out what took you so longer to marry her," teased Gideon.

"Lots of stupid little things." Gideon nodded.

"I heard about Haley and Emily...I'm sorry."

"Thank you. Um...if you want us to go, we can leave in the morning," said Spencer.

"I told you to come up here whenever you felt like and you had no way of knowing I was going to be up here. If anything I should clear out so you two can have some privacy."

"Let me talk to Catherine and see what she says," said Spencer. He left the room and went into the kitchen and Catherine was waiting for a kettle to boil.

"Do you want to stay here with Gideon or head back to DC?" asked Spencer.

"You haven't talked to him in three years, don't you want to stay?"

"I just thought that you might us to be alone..." Catherine kissed him on the cheek.

"I'm going to have you to myself for almost thirteen weeks so if you want to spend one night talking with someone you haven't three years than do it." He had wanted to talk to Gideon for some time now, he just couldn't work up the nerve.

"Thank you." The kettle started to whistle and Spencer reached behind her and turned it off. Catherine finished making the tea and handed Spencer two mugs.

"I'm gonna go to bed. Good night." Catherine took her mug and headed towards the back bedroom. She paused outside the other bedroom and said good night to Gideon. Spencer took the mugs and started to head back to the other bedroom when Gideon came out to the living room carrying a chess board.

"Do you still play?"

"Occasionally. I got tired of beating Catherine all the time and sometimes the kids at the park get tired of losing to me." They sat down at the kitchen table and set the board up.

"So what have you been up too?" asked Gideon.

"I got shot in the knee." Gideon looked at him with an eyebrow raised and moved his pawn.

"Is that why your missing your socks?" Spencer turned a faint shade of pink and moved his pawn.

"If you find them will you send them to me?" asked Spencer. Gideon laughed and made his next move.

"Good one...so what's it like being married?" Spencer thought for awhile about his next move and his answer.

"It's been a long year." Spencer started talking about his headaches, Emily's death, the miscarriage, the fact that he and Catherine had come close to separating, it was like a dam that he couldn't turn off. The chess game was sat aside. Gideon listened closely and felt for his former student someone he once considered almost a son.

"You're right. It was a long year and I'm sorry I wasn't there. It appears that I've missed out on a lot things. From the looks of thing they have improved," said Gideon. Spencer took a sip of his cold tea.

"Catherine has shown me patience beyond understanding and at times I wonder what I did to get so...I guess you would call it lucky. I love her and I actually offered to quit the BAU for her...twice and she told me no. I just...I don't know what I did to get so lucky and I know I shouldn't question it."

"Than don't question it. I know that in our line of work we don't see a lot of good things and from the sounds of it you haven't seen anything good in long time."

"Yeah."

"And you would be wrong...you get to see to something good every morning you wake up." Spencer ducked his head and studied the board. Gideon was right, every morning he woke up he was reminded of why he did the job he did. To keep her safe...them safe.

"She due in four months," said Spencer. Spencer turned back to the board and saw his move.

"What's she having?"

"It's...it's a girl."

"Congratulations." Gideon made his move and grinned. "So you lose your socks in the woods a lot nowadays."

…...

They decided to leave the next afternoon and head back to DC. Gideon helped Catherine put a bag in the car.

"Thank you," he told her.

"For what?"

"For taking care of him. I know it hasn't been easy." He and Reid had talked all night and Gideon felt for his prodigy and how hard things had been over the years. However, he know that if Reid had not gone through those things he would not have grown the way he had. It was a moment of parental pride to see how his child had grown up and that he had turned out better than he hoped for.

"He loves you very much and you're part of the reason he's so strong now. You two were always stronger than you gave yourselves credit for." Gideon put a hand on her bump and grinned. "You two are going to be amazing parents. Good luck."

"You should come and see her when she born. Spencer would like that,"signed Catherine.

"Four months?" asked Gideon

"And counting."

"You take care of yourself." Spencer came back outside carrying another bag. "And make sure he takes care of you too," Gideon said/signed.

"He does,"signed Catherine. She gave Gideon a hug and got in the car. Spencer put the last bag in the car.

"It was good seeing you again."

"You too...let me know when she born. I would like to meet her," said Gideon.

"I will." He shook Gideon's hand and went to get in the car.

"I'm still proud of you.," said Gideon. Spencer didn't say anything, but he turned pink around the ears and got in the car. Gideon watched the young couple drive away and he shook his head.

He had left the BAU to try to find a happy ending and if he had stayed he would have had a front seat to one. _It's what we should of have had Sarah. _

…...

The week Catherine went back to work, Spencer got on a plane and headed to Las Vegas to talk with his mother's doctors. Dr. Norman had retired earlier this year and Dr. Newman had taken over her care. He sat down with Dr. Newman a tall middle aged African American man and Dr. Lopez, a young white woman with black hair. Lopez introduced herself as an oncologist and Spencer felt a lump in his throat.

"We felt it was best to take your mother off her anti psychotic medication before we start her chemotherapy," explained Newman.

"It's lung cancer isn't it?" he asked softly. She hadn't been feeling well for sometime now and it could explain why she hadn't been responding to the change in her medication

"It's still in the early stages and we feel like we caught it in time," said Lopez.

"I always told her each cigarette would take six minutes off her life. Each pack contains twenty cigarettes, a pack is 120 minutes and she smoked until I was eighteen...I don't even want to do the math," muttered Spencer. Lopez put a hand on his shoulder and Spencer barely acknowledged it.

"Is there someone we can call for you Dr. Reid?" asked Newman.

"Can I see my mom?" he asked.

"Of course." They went down the hall and Spencer ducked into the bathroom to compose himself. _28% of all cancer deaths are due to lung cancer...70,354 women died from it in 2007 and the overall 5 year survival rate for white women is 18.3%._ He took a deep breath and headed into his mother's room. She was sitting up in her bed and writing in her journal.

"Hi mom." She looked at him and gave him a tired smile.

"I swear Catherine does a terrible job taking care of you. You are still far to skinny." Spencer pulled up a chair and sat down next to her.

"I'm just never home in time for dinner," said Spencer grinning in spite of himself.

"It's no excuse. How is she?"

"She's fine...she almost six months pregnant now." Spencer pulled out a picture of the latest ultrasound. "There's the head...she's um...they said she's sucking her thumb...I don't see it." His mother rolled her eyes and took the picture from him. Her face soften looking at the photograph.

"There...right there...you were a thumb sucker too. I hope that Catherine isn't going to take any painkillers during delivery, I didn't with you and I was in labor with you for almost seventeen hours."

"She doesn't want too, but if she needs a C-section than it's out of her hands."

"If she planning on breast feeding...I wanted to with you...but they had to put me back on the medication after I had you so I couldn't," she said sadly. Spencer took her hand and squeezed.

"Yeah...she has a stack of books in the apartment that she's reading through. She um...we're actually looking at getting a bigger place. It's in the same building were in now, but two floors up and it has another two bedrooms in it so we had a room for the baby," said Spencer.

"Are you reading to her?"

"Yes...we um starting reading The Princess Bride to her." Spencer didn't know how to bring up her illness to her and she seemed very interested in what was going on with Catherine's pregnancy. It made her happy, she had spent her pregnancy with him off her medication and dealing with 'The Voices' and her illness to enjoy it they way he and Catherine were.

"We just finished reading Alice in Wonderland to her. We...we want to name her Abigail."

"That's a lovely name." She looked out the window and sighed. "I missed a lot with you."

"What do you mean?" She was off her medication right now was still lucid for the time being and he wondered how long it would last.

"I missed seeing you finish school...I missed watched you grow up. I just...you're not mad at me are you?"

"No. I was never mad at you. I have always been proud to be your son, I love you." He squeezed her hand and her eyes watered up.

"You were a good son and your going to be a good father."

"You're going to be a good grandmother." She made a face.

"Does she have to call me grandma...I'm hardly the cookie making old lady," Spencer had to stifle a laugh.

"She'll call you whatever you want to be called."

"Good." She looked down at the picture and smiled again. "Can I keep this?"

"Of course. Um...has Dr. Newman or Dr. Lopez talked to you yet?" Diana sat the photo down in her lap and sighed.

"They have and they tell me I'm sick. Do you believe them?"

"Mom, they showed me your test results and they want to start you on chemotherapy soon."

"Do I have to?" She was starting to slip, she had never trusted medical doctors.

"Yes. You said that you missed out on me...do you want to miss out on her?" asked Spencer pointing at the photograph.

"That's not fair," she said.

"I'm going to stay with you while your going through this ok...just please listen to me this one time," said Spencer.

"Alright, it's only for you and her though."

"Thank you."

"Dr. Reid," Dr. Newman was standing outside. "Your mother needs to rest now."

"I'll be back in the morning. I love you." She nodded her head and went back to her journal.

Spencer left the hospital and he sat in the car for several minutes before he was able to put the car into drive and head back to Andrew's house. He and Erin were in Ohio visiting her children so he had the house to himself. Spencer let himself in and headed upstairs to lay down, he went to head into the guest room and he walked past the door that was Catherine's childhood room. He opened the door and walked into her room and felt a sense of calm. Andrew had left this room untouched, it still had posters and pictures from when she was a teenager.

Spencer sat down on the bed and looked over to the nightstand and a framed photo was there. Spencer picked it up, it was a photo of him, Catherine and Ethan at sixteen. Catherine was hugging him and he looked so ill at ease with her arms around him. Ethan was looking at the two of them with this knowing smirk on his face. He laid down in the bed and closed his eyes. The last time he had been in this room and in this bed he had been with Catherine. _I couldn't stop shaking...she was just so perfect in that moment. _ He fell asleep there in her bed, it was like she was there with him.

Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. Michael Leunig

Love it, hate it, review it...


	52. Chapter three part eleven

Chapter three part eleven

Basically, the only thing we need is a hand that rests on our own, that wishes it well, that sometimes guides us. Hector Bianciotti

"I still don't understand how two people can have so many books," teased Savannah. Catherine placed some more books in a box and closed it.

"I did marry a doctor,"signed Catherine.

Savannah had been nice enough to stop by after working at the costume shop to visit and had stayed to help her with some packing. Spencer had been gone for a week and Catherine had signed the lease to the new apartment and was packing up boxes. She hoped to have the everything moved up to the sixth floor by the time Spencer came home. It was the least she could do for him since she couldn't go out to Vegas just yet due to work. She was hoping to find a way to get out there next week for a few days at least. They Skyped every night and she could tell by looking at him how frazzled he was. Diana was starting her treatments and to say it wasn't going well was an understatement. She was off her medication and on chemotherapy for the next four weeks. If chemo didn't work it was going to be surgery next.

"So when is Dr. Reid coming home?"asked Savannah putting more books in a box.

"I'm actually hoping to go out next week for a few days and than when the term ends at the start of July I'm going to go out to Vegas and stay with him and than we're coming home in the middle of July." Catherine picked up a small box and Savannah also picked up a box and they caught the elevator and went up to the sixth floor. The sixth floor was a penthouse apartment that had been unoccupied for years, the building owner had been willing to let them move up to the sixth floor and keep the same rent since they were the youngest people in the building and had helped out the older occupants on more than one occasion.

"Wow...this is gonna be nice once you have everything moved in," signed Savannah once she sat her box down. Catherine nodded and they went back down for some more boxes. She had cleaned the apartment and the building owner had just finished painting all the walls. They moved a few more boxes up to the new apartment. Catherine felt a small ache in her back and had to sit down.

"You ok?" asked Savannah sitting down with her.

"Typical aches and pains of being almost six months preggo. So how's the internship working out?"

"I really like it. I got put in charge of dressing the leads for play at the end of summer. It's sooo cool. Oh I made you something." Savannah reached into her bag and pulled out a small blue dress that she had clearly made herself.

"Thank you very much."

"I'm glad you like it," signed Savannah.

"Is there something wrong?" She had been a teacher for almost seven years and she knew when something was troubling a teenager,she was worst than a profiler.

"It's just...when I show my mom my stuff she just seems bored. You actually like my stuff." Catherine sighed and Savannah went on. "My mom was the Cheerleader, my dad the Football Star and they somehow ended up with a Geek for a daughter."

"Hey, the Geeks shall inherit the Earth,"signed Catherine and Savannah grinned. "Trust me you're really good at what you do and some day they're gonna see it the way I see it."

"Thanks Mrs. Reid."

"Hey it's summer time...it's Catherine." She gave her another smile and she picked up her backpack.

"I should get going. You coming back to the Drama program?"

"I'm going to leave Junior Council, but stay with the Drama program. I'll have to step away for a little bit after the baby is born, but I'll be back and I'll drop in for visits."

"You know what we're doing this year?"

"Everyone kept talking about wanting to try starting a show choir like Glee...Kyle and I have to talk about it and figure out if we can."

"Sounds fun. I'll see you later." Savannah waved good bye and let herself out. Catherine sighed, Savannah was a sweet girl and she hoped her family knew how wonderful she was. She rubbed her back and went back to packing. She hoped to to have a few more boxes up to the sixth floor before it was time to Skype with Spencer. _I miss you..._

…...

"Why are you letting them do this too me?" asked Diana. Spencer took a deep breath and went to take her hand and she pulled it away.

"Mom we talked about this...it's because your sick."

"I'm already sick and you're letting them make it worse," she spat. _It's not her, it's not her...she's off her medication and she's sick from the chemotherapy._

"No...it's the chemotherapy and it's going to make you better, but it takes time," explained Spencer calmly.

"It's poison and..._They're _trying to kill me!"

"No _They're_ not. The doctors are here to help you and..." Before he could continue she started screaming at the top of her lungs about how he was one of _Them_ and that he was in on this with _them_ to kill her. Paula, one of the night shift nurses came in with another male nurse and she had a syringe filled with a sedative. Spencer stepped out of the way and let the nurses do their job, the sedative took effect quickly and she got quiet and she closed her eyes.

"Mom," said Spencer softly. She turned her head away and wouldn't look at him. Spencer sighed and squeezed her hand."I'll be back in the morning." Spencer left the room with Paula and the other nurse. The male nurse went back to his rounds, but Paula stayed with him for a minute.

"Dr. Reid...you know she's not well,"

"I know...it's just...it's hard seeing her this way." Paula nodded and patted his arm.

"You go home and get some rest. I'll see you tomorrow night." Paula left to do the rest of her rounds. Spencer sighed and left the hospital, he drove back to Andrew's house. Andrew and Erin were due home next week. After the noise and chaos that was the hospital, it was weird to go somewhere that was so quiet. He let himself into the house and headed up to Catherine's old bedroom. He had slept in this room the whole week he had been there, it made him feel close to her. Spencer took off his shoes and laid down on the bed. He reached over to the night stand and grabbed the laptop, he and Catherine were supposed to talk in a little bit. He missed her and wished she could be here with him now. She was handling the loose ends at home with the move into the new apartment.

Spencer turned the computer on and logged on to Skype, Catherine was already on and waiting for him.

"Hi,"signed Catherine.

"Hey."

"Rough day?"

"Yeah...I'm one of _Them._" She could tell he was depressed by how he was signing and the look in his eyes.

"I love you," signed Catherine.

"I love you too. So how was your day?"

"I got some more of the stuff into the new apartment and I called some movers to help with the really big stuff in case everyone was busy. Garcia and I were supposed to have lunch, but she had to bail because of a case." Spencer was so focused on his mother's illness he didn't even care that he was missing out on a case.

"Just be careful moving stuff ok...nothing too heavy," signed Spencer.

"It's it's over ten pounds I don't move it. I'm being careful I promise." He gave her a very tired half smile.

"I just...I miss you," admitted Spencer.

"We miss you," signed Catherine. The tired smile got a little bigger.

"You've been reading to her?" asked Spencer.

"Every night before bed. You want to tonight?"

"Yeah," Catherine reached over and grabbed a pair of headphones and plugged them into the computer and placed the headphones on stomach. Spencer grabbed his headset and plugged in.

"So where did you leave off?" he asked.

"Wesley and Buttercup just got out of the Fire Swamp." Catherine leaned back on the pillows and watched him sign to her and speak to their daughter. Catherine felt the baby push against her and Catherine rubbed her stomach. _She can hear you and she likes the sound of your voice. _She watched some of that tired and depressed look leave his eyes when speaking to her. Catherine yawned and Spencer looked at her.

"I think we both need to get some sleep."

"Sorry...just tired."

"It's ok. I love you...both of you. Get some sleep ok."

"We love you too and you should get some sleep too." They said their good nights and logged off. Catherine laid down and drifted off to sleep holding Spencer's pillow. Several states away, Spencer drifted off to sleep holding her pillow.

…...

"But...but...I wanna put it together now," signed/said Garcia pouting a little. The baby shower was over and Garcia and JJ were helping her take the stuff up to the new apartment. One of the items was from her father and it was a crib.

"I'm going to wait for Spencer since he has the Engineering degree and he asked me to wait," signed Catherine.

"Will insisted on doing the crib too. It's a man thing...they just have to do it," signed/said JJ.

"If they're not setting things on fire they need to build something," teased Garcia. They got the gifts into the new apartment and set them in the room that Catherine planned on using as Abby's room.

"So how's he doing?" asked JJ.

"Ok...I'm actually going to surprise him tomorrow. I have to catch a plane this evening and even got the doctor to write me a note. It's just for a few days, but I think it will cheer him up," signed Catherine.

"How's his mom?" asked Garcia.

"They finished one round of chemotherapy and she's supposed to start the rest in a week. They think she's responding ok and that she won't need radiation or surgery."

"That's good," signed JJ.

"Promise you'll give my Boy Genius a hug from me." signed Garcia.

"Of course." Catherine rubbed her midsection.

"Can I feel?" asked Garcia. Catherine shrugged and Garcia put her hand on her bump and smiled.

"Wow...it's cool."

"Does it still freak Spence out to feel it kick?" asked JJ grinning.

"He says it doesn't, but he gets this look on his face and you can tell he's freaked out."

"Silly boy." Garcia hugged her. "Remember to give him a hugs from us." Garcia waved goodbye. Leaving her and JJ.

"How are you holding up?" asked JJ.

"Ok. At least I got everything up here at last...the plan is to unpack when I get back."

"Well if you need anything don't hesitate to call me or Will."

"Thank you." JJ reached over and hugged her tightly and it took Catherine by surprise.

"I just...I know how hard things were for you and Spence a few months ago and I'm really happy you too have worked things out so well." Catherine twisted her ring and looked at JJ.

"We just...I guess for awhile there we forgot how much we loved each other. We just needed to remember." They stood there for awhile not knowing what to say.  
>"So how are the Profiler classes going?" asked Catherine.<p>

"Good. Really good. It's weird to be in class that Hotch is teaching and to hear the remarks from the cadets about 'The Eyebrows'. The Eyebrows are not amused! The Eyebrows demand you study more! There are times I can hardly look at Hotch and not want to laugh...I just keep thinking that if Em...if she were here she wouldn't be able to control her laughter." Catherine couldn't help put giggle out loud. She couldn't wait to tell Spencer when she saw him.

"Thanks JJ." Catherine hugged her again and they said their goodbyes. JJ sighed and thought about Emily. _I wish I could hear her laugh one more time...I miss you. At least we have Scrabble night. _

…...

_This kiss wasn't like the one Alexa had given him. Her kiss was cold, impersonal and just mean. Catherine's kiss was warm, all consuming and giving. It was truly his first kiss. He had thought about kissing her before, but this was much better than he had imagined. He felt Catherine take his hands and placed them on her waist and without thought he moved them up to start unbuttoning her shirt. He had dreamed of this too, touching her skin this was also better than he imagined. Catherine broke the kiss and looked up at him with a smile on her face. She didn't say anything, but she took his hand and pulled him upstairs towards her room..._

"Spencer...Spencer," said someone softly. He felt a hand on his arm and he rolled over in bed. He honestly thought he was still dreaming because sitting on the bed was Catherine, except it wasn't eighteen year old Catherine, it was twenty nine year old Catherine. She was sitting on the bed with her hands on her stomach smiling at him.

"Hi," she said and she kissed his forehead. _No this wasn't a dream._ Spencer sat up in the bed and hugged her tight. "I wanted to surprise you."

"I missed you," he said to himself weaving a hand through her hair. She pulled away and looked at him. He still had the tired look in his eyes, but it was mixed now with with a look of relief and she wished she could stay longer than just the four days.

"I figured we could go out for breakfast before we head to the hospital," signed Catherine.

"That sounds great...I really missed you...both of you," signed Spencer. He hugged her again and wouldn't let her go.

…...

"We feel that it's for the best that your mother doesn't see your wife," explained Newman.

"Why?" asked Spencer confused. They had gone to see her and were stopped by Dr. Newman and he asked Spencer if he could talk to him alone for minute. Spencer asked Catherine to wait in the lobby for him.

"Your mother's current delusions are very bad right now due to her lack of medication and one of her current delusions is that she was taken by _Them _and the baby she's carrying isn't yours and that's it's actually a trick from _Them_," explained Newman. Spencer sighed and rubbed his temple. He could feel the head ache starting.

"I'll explain it to Catherine and tell her to wait for me back at her father's house," said Spencer trying to stay calm.

"I know that this is very frustrating to you Dr. Reid. But the chemotherapy is working, her latest results show a great deal of improvement."

"Ok...ok. Can you give me a few minutes?"

"Of course." Newman went down the hall and Spencer forced himself to take a deep breath and went back to the lobby to speak with Catherine. He sat down across from her and she could tell that it wasn't good news.

"They don't think it's a good idea for you to see her. She um...she believes that you were taken by _Them_ and that I'm being tricked because the baby isn't mine."

"So your mom thinks I'm a whore...I'm not surprised," signed Catherine.

"It's not funny Catherine," snapped Spencer.

"Hey...hey...I'm sorry...it's either make a joke or cry. Your mom and I were getting along for awhile. She's sick and once she's back on her medication she'll be herself again and someday you'll laugh your ass about this." Catherine reached out and hugged him tightly. "I know how hard this is for you." she said quietly.

"It's just...this is hard and seeing her like this. I'm trying to help her and she thinks I'm trying to kill her," signed Spencer.

"At least she doesn't think you're a whore." Spencer couldn't help but let out a laugh at that.

"Can you meet me for lunch? I'll try to get out of here for dinner." Catherine kissed him on the mouth and smiled at him.

"You trust me?"

"Should I not?" teased Spencer. She was right it was either make a joke or cry.

"Got a little smile out of you. I'll see you later on. I love you,"

"Love you too." Catherine got up and gave him one more hug before leaving. Spencer sighed and watched her leave before heading down the hall to deal with his mother.

…...

The night before Catherine was supposed to go home, William wanted to take them out of dinner. He even invited Andrew and Erin to come with them and they agreed to go.

"Spencer can you help me?" asked Catherine. The green dress zipped up in the back and she had trouble reaching it. Spencer finished buttoning his shirt and he stood up and helped her zip up the dress and he placed a kiss on her neck.

"You look pretty," he signed. Catherine shrugged and started doing her hair. Spencer bent down next to her and touched her shoulder.

"Are you ok?" he asked. She looked nervous and was twisting her ring.

"The last time I really talked to your dad I was ten years old. I mean we saw him last year and he calls you once in awhile, but this is sort of my first time talking to him in nineteen years so I'm sort of nervous." Spencer hugged her and brushed back her hair.

"You'll be fine."

"Thank you," Catherine gave him a small smile and pulled her hair back into a ponytail. "You don't look so bad yourself Dr. Reid." Catherine fiddled with his tie. He was wearing a blue shirt with a light gray sweater vest and a solid black tie.

"You kids ready yet," called Erin. Spencer took his tie from her and grinned.

"Come on," signed Spencer.

…...

They were having dinner at an Italian place, called Nova Italiano that was located in the Palm's Fantasy Tower. Spencer felt Catherine's hand shaking in his and he squeezed it lightly. They got off the elevator and headed towards the restaurant. The restaurant had cream colored walls and purple colored chandeliers hung from the ceiling.

"This is really nice," whispered Erin to Andrew.

"Yep," he said tightly. There was still an unspoken tension between the two fathers, while Andrew understood while William had left it didn't excuse him for leaving a ten year boy in charge of a mentally ill adult. They were greeted by a female hostess at the door.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"We're with William Reid," said Spencer. The hostess picked up four menus and told them to follow her. They followed her towards the back and William stood up to greet them.

"Look at you," signed William and he hugged Catherine. She looked nervous for a second and than she hugged him back. "Congratulations." They all sat down, Andrew handed Erin his crutches and she sat them off to the side so they wouldn't get in the way.

"How's your leg?" asked William.

"I get to lose the cast next week, but I'll still have to go to therapy for a few more weeks," said/signed Andrew.

"I hope the insurance company didn't give you a hard time," said/signed William.

"He coughed up all the needed paperwork when he found out that he hit the wife of a federal agent. I think he was worried that Spencer could get the IRS after him," signed Catherine joking. Things started off on a good note, they got through appetizers and dinner without an issue. It wasn't until dessert that things started to go sour.

"So what agencies are going through to find a nanny?" asked William.

"The school has a day care center on sight so when I go back to work I can take her with me," signed Catherine.

"That's convenient, but what about when Spencer is away for work?" asked William. Andrew's grip on his dessert spoon got tighter, Catherine and Erin were just confused although Spencer had a sense of where this was going.

"Dad..."started Spencer, but Catherine was already signing.

"Well I'll be home with her so we won't need a nanny."

"I'm just..." started William and Andrew cut him off.

"You don't think she can take care of a baby without someone who can hear," said Andrew without signing. Catherine looked back and forth between her father and William and she had a feeling that a fight was about to happen.

"I just assumed..." started William again.

"Well don't assume! I'm sure that they know what they're doing and that if Spencer is away due to his job that Catherine can handle taking care of the baby," said/signed Andrew. Catherine bit her lip and looked down at the table. Spencer turned to his father and tried to remain calm.

"Dad, we have it under control. We got a video monitor that Catherine can carry around the house the way other moms have sounds monitors. We got an alarm that will vibrate and wake Catherine up when the baby cries, just like the smoke detector. We have thought about this," said/signed Spencer.

"I just wanted to make sure that in case Catherine needed the help..."Andrew cut him off again.

"This isn't about Catherine needing help, this is you just assuming that she wouldn't be able to care for child due to her hearing. Lots of Deaf people have children and raise them just fine, unlike other people here."

"Andrew!" hissed Erin noticing how upset Catherine was getting and that other people were starting to stare.

"Can we not have this discussion right now?" asked Spencer. _We have thought about this __and Catherine can handle taking care of a child._

"I wasn't trying to imply that Catherine couldn't handle taking care of a child. And don't start on me about taking care of children," snapped William.

"You would have actually had to have taken care of your child for me to start on you," snapped Andrew.

"Stop this right now," whispered Erin grabbing Andrew's arm.

"Excuse me," said the waitress carefully.

"We're terribly sorry," said Spencer and he handed the waitress his credit card. "Can you run this and we'll leave?" She nodded and walked away quickly.

"I need some air," muttered Catherine and she got up and left the table.

"If you two asses are finished," snapped Erin and she got up to follow Catherine. The waitress came back with his card and Spencer started filling out the receipt quickly so they could get out of here.

"You two are unbelievable! Catherine and I have thought about this and we know what we're doing. She'll be capable of taking care of the baby when I'm gone...just...god!" Spencer got up and left the table. He went and caught the elevator down, Erin was waiting for the car to be brought around.

"Catherine said she wanted to go for walk and she headed towards The Strip. I made sure she had cab money to get home. I don't think she's got very far," said Erin taking the keys back from the valet.

"Thanks," said Spencer and he took off that way. It took him almost twenty minutes to find her in the crowd of people. Spencer grabbed her shoulder and Catherine turned around and was near tears.

"Hey," Spencer took her hand and hugged her. "Come on." She leaned against him and they started walking towards The Strip together.

"Did we make a mistake?" asked Catherine out loud. Spencer looked down at her and she was trying not to cry. "Is...is having her a mistake...because I can't hear her and..." Catherine couldn't seem to finish the sentence. Spencer sighed, they needed to have a serious talk.

"Come on we need to talk," signed Spencer. They walked a little further, until they found a nearby park. They sat down together on a bench near a fountain.

"Catherine, this is not a mistake and don't ever think for a second that this is a mistake," signed Spencer and he put a hand on her bump.

"I just...it's hard sometimes...being this way. But this is who I am and I like who I am and..." she wiped her eyes again. "But there are times though where I would give up everything, do anything to just hear something for once in my life. You know I looked into the surgery a few months ago...they told me I would have a fifteen percent chance of restoring any hearing and even than I wouldn't be able to hear that well. And yet there was a part of me that was still tempted to try it...I just had this crazy thought that maybe..."Catherine cut herself off and looked away. Spencer made her look at him.

"What did you think?" he asked.

"That maybe...maybe if I could hear you, even just a little, that things between us would be better. That you went and talked to JJ because she could hear you and I couldn't."

"Catherine," Spencer bent down and hugged her hard.

"I told you it was crazy, but still...I just wanted...I wanted to hear your voice. I really thought being able to hear you would make it better."

"I am so sorry that I made you feel that way. I went to JJ because I just didn't know what to say to you. It had nothing to do with you not being able to hear me, it was me not being able to deal with my feelings. I love you and you have no idea how much you mean to me. I'm sorry that my dad was an insensitive jerk. You're a great teacher and you're going to be a great mom," signed Spencer. Catherine smiled at him and wiped her eyes.

"You're going to be a great dad. I'm going to miss you and I wish I didn't have to go home. It's just not the same without you there."

"I know the feeling. I'm actually looking forward to putting furniture together when I come home," admitted Spencer.

"Garcia was very upset that I wouldn't let her put the crib together. I haven't unpacked or done anything for her room yet. I wanted to wait until we were home together to do it."

"Thank you."

…...

Spencer took Catherine to the airport the next morning. Catherine and Andrew talked last night after they came back. She was a little upset with him, but she understood why he had gotten so upset. There was just an unspoken understanding between the two of them. They were waiting for her plane to be called and Spencer didn't want to let go of her hand. When it was time for her plane to board she went to get up and he kept a hold of her hand.

"Spencer?" she asked. He had this sad puppy dog look in his eyes.

"It just...it just feels like were always saying good bye to each other, you know." Catherine stood up on her tip toes and gave him a hug, Spencer hugged her back even harder.

"I really miss you," signed Spencer when she broke away.

"I miss you too. I've just been thinking of this like you're away on a case and when it's over you'll be home and things will be ok," signed Catherine.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For the overwhelming amount of patience you have shown me...for being with me." She hugged him again and picked up her bags and he walked her towards the terminal

"I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon and I'll let you know how everything looks. I love you."

"I love you too." He kissed her on the forehead and watched her board the plane. Spencer sighed and headed to hospital to check on his mother. She was sleeping when he got there and her overnight reports seemed to be normal. Spencer was watching her sleep when Luci the morning nurse came into the room.

"I'm sorry to bother you Dr. Reid, but your father is asking to see you."

"Um...thanks Luci." He got up and headed out to the lobby. His father was pacing in the lobby.

"Dad," said Spencer tensely.

"Spencer, can we talk?" Spencer took a seat in one of the chairs and his father sat next to him.

"I owe you an apology for how I acted last night. I had no right to make any assumptions about Catherine's ability to care for the baby."

"Your right you didn't." William sighed and Spencer went on. "Why did you assume it was ok for mom to have children despite her mental illness, but you assumed that Catherine wouldn't be able to care for our children?"

"Because I loved your mother and I wanted to have something special with her. I was willing to overlook everything to have that."

"Catherine and I are well aware of her physical limitations, however it will in no way effect her ability to love and care for our child. Just like mom's limitations didn't effect her ability to love me." Her illness did at times effect her ability at times to care for him, but she loved him no matter what her mental state.

"I was out of line and I'm sorry. I was hoping to talk with Catherine. Is she with your mother?"

"Mom is off her medication and due to her delusions they didn't want Catherine near mom. She also went home to DC to work and move into our new apartment," said Spencer.

"Than why aren't you with her?" asked William.

"Because someone needed to be here with mom."

"Spencer, I know how much you love your mother. You have done more for her than anyone else has ever done for her in her whole life...but I think you should go home and be with Catherine."

"Someone needs to be here with her though," said Spencer

"And someone needs to be with Catherine. I can stay with your mother." Spencer gave his father a look. "I know I wasn't the greatest husband to her, but I know how to handle her when she's off her medication and...you need to be with your family now and it's back in DC." Spencer was torn. He hated the thought of leaving his mother, but he missed being home with Catherine.

"I know you're hesitant to leave her in my care, considering how I left before. I promise you though that I will not leave her this time." Spencer looked down at the floor. "I know this won't make up for not there in the past when you needed me, but I'm hoping it's a step in the right direction."

"What if something happens to her and I'm not here?"

"What if somethings happens to Catherine and you aren't there. You will drive yourself crazy questioning your choices. I'm telling you to not turn your back on your family...and your family is in DC moving into a new home. If your mother was in her right mind she would tell you to go home. I promise you that if anything happens to her I will call you first thing and I won't make any decision without consulting you." Spencer twisted his wedding ring and he thought about how he was tired of saying goodbye to Catherine.

"I'll be back in two weeks to check on her with Catherine."

"Ok."

"Her main doctor is Dr. Newman and her oncologist is Dr. Lopez. Her second round of Chemotherapy is going to start in three days..."

…...

Catherine pulled some more books out of a box and put them on shelf. She felt Abby move and push against her side. Catherine rubbed her midsection.

"I miss him too," she said out loud. It would be another two weeks before she could go back out to Vegas and be with Spencer. It was going to be another two weeks of Skype, e-mails and text messages. Two more weeks of sleeping in bed by herself, eating dinner by herself, in general just being alone. She wiped her eyes quickly and put more books on the shelf. _I just need to stay busy, I just need to stay busy and he'll be home soon. _The door bell light went off and she pushed herself off the floor. She had ordered a pizza and she was starving. She went to the door and opened it up.

"Were you expecting someone else?" asked Spencer seeing the stunned look on her face.

"Spencer?"

"Do I have to stand in the hallway all night or can I come in?" She hugged him so hard that he almost fell over. He came into the apartment and shut the door.

"I thought that you were going to stay in Vegas with your mom," signed Catherine.

"It's a long story, but the short version is-I missed you and I'm tried of not being with you. I just wanted to come home."

"Is your mom going to be ok?" asked Catherine.

"My dad is going to take care of her." Catherine raised an eyebrow. "I told you it's a long story and I'll fill you in on it later. For right now though...I just want to put a crib together and be with you. I missed you."

"I missed you too." Spencer bent down and kissed her like he hadn't seen her in years. Catherine took his hands and placed them on her bump and he could feel the baby kick. _This is where I __belong._

Peace - that was the other name for home. Kathleen Norris 

Notes-The devices Spencer mentioned do exist to help Deaf mothers care for their babies. The restaurant mentioned also does exist in Las Vegas.

Love it, Hate it, Review it.


	53. Chapter three part twelve

Chapter three part twelve

Things that were hard to bear are sweet to remember. Seneca

Spencer went to the passenger side and opened the door for Catherine.

"Thank you," she signed and it took some doing but she got out of the car. At seven months pregnant moving around was starting to become a bit of struggle for her. She grabbed the flowers they bought for her and they started walking to the grave site. Emily had been gone for six months now and everyone was going to visit her grave today. Spencer took her hand and his grip on hers was tight and she could feel it shaking a little in hers. She stopped him and looked up at him.

"If you don't want to do this we don't have too," said Catherine softly.

"I have to do this and I need to do this," signed Spencer. Catherine nodded and took his hand again. They made their way to the site and almost everyone was there.

"Of course Morgan is late," muttered Garcia. Catherine went up and hugged Garcia. Garcia wipped her eyes and gave Catherine a small smile. JJ was holding Henry and Will was distracting him with a toy. Hotch was there with Jack. Rossi came up to Spencer.

"I look forward to seeing you around the office again...I missed having someone rattling off statistics at the speed of light," said Rossi. His sabbatical was coming to an end and he was due back into the office next week when Catherine went back to school.

"Thank you." The time off was needed and he didn't regret taking it for one second. He needed to spend the time with Catherine and with his mother. She finished her chemotherapy last month and her results looked good so far. She was back on her medication and she had no recollection of any of her prior disillusions and was happy to see Catherine and talk to her about what she could remember from when she had been pregnant with him.

"So how's she doing?" asked Rossi.

"Good...walking up stairs, hills, long distances and sleeping on her back now present some difficulties but she's managing ok for the most part."

"And you?"

"I'm still mentally trying to prepare myself for the fact that in two months I'm going to be in delivery room with her and responsible for another human being."

"You're scared...sounds about right." Morgan came up to him.

"Sorry I'm late."

"We expected nothing less," said Hotch.

"Everybody's here now...ok." Kevin handed Garcia a candle and she bent down and lit it.

"We do that for mommy," whispered Jack to Hotch.

"Yes we do," said Hotch squeezing his son's shoulder. JJ and Catherine sat down the roses they got for Emily. Garcia handed Catherine a note.

" It's so you can follow along." Catherine nodded and hugged her again. "Hey E...it's...well it's all of us. I thought...we thought that we should let you know how we're doing." Spencer squeezed Catherine's hand and she leaned against him. She knew he didn't have any religious beliefs and he probably felt a little silly being here, but he came because his family was here.

"JJ is now our newest Profiler and let me tell you she is kicking ass and taking names left and right. She is doing such a good job and you would be so proud of her." Spencer looked over at JJ and she was holding Henry and blinking back tears. Will had his hand on her shoulder and she leaned against him.

"Hotch is going to Pakistan soon to help sort out some land issues. They picked him since he's one of the best negotiation people they could think of. We're going to miss him, but Morgan is going to be filling in again and well...I will enjoy taking orders from my chocolate god of thunder." Morgan just shook his head and tried not to smile and Spencer saw a twitch of smile from Hotch.

"Rossi is about to publish another book that is based on The Butcher. We're sure that it's going to make him even more money and maybe even score him his fourth wife. You should see the girl they have to be his editor, she is a dish to behold."

"What can I say I believe in love," said Rossi with a smirk.

"Reid and Kitty are about to start having little baby geniuses. According to two different ultrasounds they are having a little girl and they're naming her Abigail Emily Reid. If she's anything like her parents and her namesake she is going to be so awesome that people are just going to blown away by it." Spencer gripped her hand tight and she squeezed back.

"Me and Kevin...well we're us. We're thinking about moving into together, however we're still trying to figure out how to deal with our digtal stuff...Kevin wants to have one computer and well Mama needs her own unit," said Garica. They all couldn't help but laugh.

"I just want you to know that we miss you so much. That there isn't a day that goes by and we don't think about you. But...we're doing ok now and that we're going to be alright. It was really hard for awhile without you, but we're still a family and we're looking forward to having new members in a few months. And I know that where ever you are that your looking out for us now. Well...E...that's all for now...we love you." She knelt down and blew out the candle. Catherine wiped her eyes and JJ had burried her face in Henry's hair.

"Baby girl that was very sweet," said Morgan and he hugged her.

"It's something that we do in Group...it's just nice to talk to her you know," said Garcia. Spencer had to agree, even though he knew that she was gone and what they were talking to was just a body it felt like something he should have done a long time ago.

"Mommy...are we going to have lunch now?" asked Henry.

"Yeah baby...that sounds like a good idea," said JJ wiping her eyes.

"You ok?" asked Henry.

"Yeah she's fine," she gave him a hug and started walking towards the car with Will. Rossi, Hotch, and Jack started towards the parking lot. Garcia, Kevin, Spencer and Catherine stood there for a few more moments before heading towards their car.

"I miss her," signed Catherine. Spencer kissed her forehead.

"I miss her too."

…...

Despite being gone for almost three months his aim was still good. The target came back and he had empitied the clip into the head. He reloaded his gun and called up a new target, he empitied that clip into the torso of the target. Spencer had been going to the gun range every other day after Emily died. He knew that he would never be able to hold his own in a fight the way Morgan could or the way Emily had. However he was no longer the kid who couldn't shoot his way out of wet paper bag, plus it was a stress reliever. He had passed his re-certification this time with flying colors. He spent another hour at the gun range before heading back to the office. He was greeted by JJ when he came in.

"Hey, you have time to eat lunch with me?" asked JJ.

"Sure." He followed JJ into the break room and grabbed his lunch out of the fridge and sat down with her.

"So welcome back."

"It's good to be back," he said. He meant it too. He had enjoyed his time off with Catherine, but his other family was here and apart of him had missed the job too. He didn't think about the cases he had missed out on and he didn't ask. He decided that he was going to focus on the cases that were in front of him and not the ones he hadn't been apart of.

"So we really didn't get a chance to talk the other day due to Henry's questions." Spencer sort of grinned. Henry was very curious about Catherine and the baby. He wanted to feel how the baby kicked and wanted to know how the baby got inside of her.

"Did he buy that it was a magic trick?" asked Spencer.

"He is now asking us to show us how the trick works," said JJ rolling her eyes.

"You know a good magician never reveals his secret," he said with a smug grin and JJ gave him a little shove.

"So do you mind me asking how your going to handle it when Catherine has the baby?" asked JJ.

"We've talked about it and I'm going to take a week off after she's born and Catherine is going to take her full three months of maternity leave."

"Are you going to take any paternity leave?" asked JJ.

"I might depending on our case load," said Spencer. He and Catherine had talked about how they were going to handle everything after the baby was born. They agreed the sooner they got into a normal routine the easier everything would be. Catherine said she would be fine if he wanted to go back to work after Abby was born, that it would help set up the routine sooner rather than later. JJ took a sip of her soda.

"So you think you're ready for her?"

"It still feels a little surreal you know...I mean I've read the books, we have her room ready, I've seen the ultrasounds, but I'm still nervous you know. I mean...I'm going to be someone's dad and even saying it out loud sounds weird. I can't wait to meet her through." JJ smiled at him, he had come such a long way since Emily's 'death'.

She had really been worried about him, he seemed to be slipping into such a dark place that she didn't know if he was going to be able to get out of it. He had crawled his way back and she knew that parts of him had changed and some of them not for the better. His time at the gun range worried her a bit. But, the parts of him that had stayed the same had gotten better, his devotion to his job, to Catherine and to his unborn daughter was amazing. He was still the same sweet and loyal person she had met six years ago.

"Let me tell you something. When you get to meet her you are going to fall so head over heels for her it's going to be unreal. When I finally met Henry, it was like falling in love all over again...I fell in love with Will again after Henry was born and it was the most amazing feeling ever." Spencer toyed with his lunch, but JJ could see a small smile on his face. _It's good to have you back Spence._

…...

The month of August drifted by quietly and most of the cases they handled were close to home or he helped Rossi teach classes at the Academy. Catherine had gone back to school, she had dropped working with the Junior Council. She explained to him that it was just too much work trying to organize everything that had to go into it: field trips, school dances, fund raising, ect. She stayed with the Drama Program though since she had Kyle's help and less to plan and fund raise for. The kids wanted to try having a show choir this year instead of putting on a play, they were still deciding though if they wanted to compete in any invitationals though. Catherine had been put in charge of reading song lyrics and teaching the kids how to sign it. It was like West Side Story trying to make all the singing, dancing and signing line up right, but with less planning. Spencer had watched a few rehearsals of the choir and was impressed and proud of the work she was doing with these kids. He promised that this time he wouldn't miss the show. Things were relatively normally until September when everything came out and shook everyone to the core.

They day started normal enough, he and Catherine had breakfast together and headed to catch the Metro together.

"I'll see you tonight," signed Catherine and she kissed him on the cheek. She got off and Spencer watched her get on the next train. He caught his connecting train and went over some case reports the cadets had worked up and handed them back to Rossi. He had lunch with JJ and helped her file some older cases and then went to Academy with Rossi to teach a class about identifing different types of stressors. He was about to call it a day when Garica called them up to the round table room telling them it was urgent. Morgan was already up there and was pacing, they had barely sat down when Morgan started talking and it's what set the ball in motion. Morgan had found Declan Doyle, but more importantly he had found Doyle.

Spencer wasn't surprised that Morgan had been trying to find Doyle since Emily's death and he wasn't surprised that Morgan had not asked him for his help. He had been too out of it to be any real help on it, plus Doyle had already indirectly threatened Catherine once. This was a man who murdered children and killed one of his best friends. Spencer wanted Doyle brought to justice, but he wouldn't risk Catherine for it. He would not let her meet the same fate as Haley, murdered by a mad man she knew nothing about.

He was surprised though that Morgan had found Declan, Doyle's son that Emily had pretended to murder to hide him from his father. He wasn't surprised though that Emily had moved Declan to Virginia so she could keep in contact with him. Emily was always good with child witnesses and she wanted to make sure he stayed safe.

"You found him?" asked Rossi shocked.

"Well it was sort of easy to do once we remembered the forger Emily had contact with and we found Declan's fake ID," said Garcia sitting the fake passport on the table and explained how they had video from a camera outside of Declan's home.

"So what do we do now?" asked Spencer.

"I called Hotch and he says we need you to bring in Declan," said Morgan. "We have Doyle on tape and we're going to bring him in." Spencer didn't ask if he meant dead or alive.

"He still might be at school and we should check there first," said Rossi.

"I already have agents inside the house, so try the school first," said Morgan.

"What are you going to do?" asked Rossi leaning back in his chair.

"JJ and I are taking a SWAT team and we're going to stake out Doyle's place," he said. Rossi said nothing and left the room.

"We'll call you when we have him," said Spencer getting up from the table. Garica gave him the school address and home address on his phone. Rossi got a car from the motor pool and he drove towards Virginia. Spencer sent a quick text to Catherine and looked out the window at the passing scenary.

"Twenty dollars," said Rossi.

"What?" asked Spencer.

"Twenty dollars says Morgan shoots him before SWAT gets a chance," said Rossi. Bring Doyle in and letting him sit in an American jail was not ideal. This was a man who escaped from a North Korean prison camp and made his way to the States. Spencer doubted an American jail would phase him, after being on the run for almost seven months an American prison might seem like a vacation.

"Does it make me heartless to say I really don't care what happens to him?" asked Spencer. _I just want him to stop breathing the same air as me._

"No. Not at all," said Rossi.

…... They didn't find Declan at the school, according to Garcia he should have rugby practice, but the Headmaster told them he had been sent home sick. They tried calling the agents Morgan had sent and got no answer. Spencer called JJ to let her know what was going on. _Please don't let him have the boy._

"Hello," said JJ.

"We can't find him," explained Spencer getting out of the SUV that was now in front of the house. Spencer quickly filled her in on what was going on.

"Did you call the agents?" asked JJ suddenly fearful

"They're car is out front," confromed Spencer.

"The lights are off," said Rossi drawing his weapon.

"Let me call you back," said Spencer hanging up the phone and drawing his weapon. They entered the house and found it unlocked. The air smelled like copper and he could hear a beeping sound. Rossi nodded his head upstairs and than to the kitchen door, Spencer nodded back and headed upstairs to clear it while Rossi took the kitchen. He cleared the upstairs quickly and found nothing. He went back downstairs and to the living room. Half hidden behind a coffee table was a dead agent, Collins if Spencer remembered right. Spencer heard Rossi behind him and he shook his head.

"Della is dead too...I'm going to check the back, you take hall," said Rossi. Spencer nodded and stood up. Taking a deep breath Spencer turned his attention to the main hallway and he noticed the closet door was open a crack. _Please don't let the boy be in there, please._ Spencer had his gun in one hand his flashlight in the other, with his flashlight hand he opened the door quickly. A woman that had been badly beaten fell out and onto the floor. Spencer checked her pulse and found none. He saw Rossi coming back down the hallway.

"This was the nanny," said Spencer studying her face and she looked like the woman from the fake passport.

"Three bodies and no kid...Doyle's got him."

"Shit," muttered Spencer and he called JJ. Before she could say anything Spencer was talking.

"He's gone."

"What? What do you mean he's gone?" asked JJ.

"We got here and it looks like Doyle killed Collins, Della and the nanny and Declan isn't here."

"Shit!" snapped JJ.

"My thoughts exactly," said Spencer.

"Morgan has Doyle cornered," said JJ. She got on her radio and spoke to Morgan. "Declan is missing and we need Doyla alive to find the boy. Don't shoot!" It was quite for several minutes and than JJ came back on the line. "We have Doyle and we're bring him in." JJ hung up her end and Spencer hung up his just as Rossi was getting off with the Virginia PD.

"They have Doyle," said Spencer.

"Now we just have to find the boy," said Rossi.

…...

They stayed at the house while the Virginia PD and their Crime Unit worked the house. It looked like the power to the house had been cut along with the phone lines. Garcia called Rossi to let him know that the pole camera outside the house had been cut by a solo man and they had no footage of what happened.

"This was highly organized. One could have taken out of the camera while the other started in here," suggested Spencer.

"So the power was cut, but there are no signs of forced entry. So how do you overpower two armed agents?" asked Rossi.

"It could have been a male and a female posing as the next shift."

"It makes sense considering how efficent this was." Something wasn't sitting right though with Spencer. _Killing Collins and Della makes sense, taking the boy makes sense, but why kill the nanny. She raised Declan, if anything Doyle would have taken her too._

"But than why did they take the time to kill the nanny and shove her in closet?" asked Spencer.

"It's personal and professional," said Rossi.

"It doesn't make sense though, she raised Declan and was with Doyle for years. He would have wanted her alive." They got the all clear that all the bodies had been removed and they went to study where the nanny had been found. They studied the closet and Spencer noticed men's jackets and pointed them out to Rossi. Someone else lived in this house and was currently unaccounted for.

"You think Doyle did this?" asked Spencer.

"He's capable of a lot of things, but being two places at once. It took us an hour to get here and that was with us hitting every green light and little traffic. No...someone else was looking for a way to hurt him."

"What better why to hurt someone than through a child." They got back in the SUV and headed towards the BAU. Garica called them to let them know Hotch was on his way back and Morgan was questioning Doyle. _As much as I hate that man, I would actualy feel sorry for him if something happened to that boy. _

…...

Morgan questioned Doyle for almost six hours and was getting nowhere fast. He was working with Garcia to figure out who hated Doyle and was currently in the States. The list was very small to say the least. The only one that really fit and they had his picture was a guy named Richard Geriace that Doyle had scared badly over twenty years ago. Spencer poured himself another cup of coffee and studied the crime scene photos of the house, the death of the nanny bothered him in ways he couldn't figure out.

Collins and Della had been quick and clean kills. The beating took time and they could have been caught or heard by a neighbor, something was just off enough to bug him.

"If you stare long enough do you see the sail boat?" asked Garcia.

"If I'm lucky I'll see a motive," said Spencer.

"You think there's a motive?"

"Collins and Della were in the way...beating the nanny to death was risky overkill. It doesn't fit with the other kills." Spencer watched as Rossi, Morgan, JJ and walked in.

"You get anywhere with Doyle?" _Did you turn off the camera yet?_

"Doyle doesn't think Geriace had the balls to do this," said Morgan and Garica frowned.

"But that was defiantly Geriace on the tape." Hotch came in through the back way and Spencer was taken aback by Hotch's appearance, he was sporting a beard and a roughneck look that he thought he would never see on Hotch.

"Welcome back," said Morgan. _Too bad it's not for something pleasant,_ thought Spencer.

"Thank you. Everybody take a seat," said Hotch. They all took a seat except for JJ who went to stand by Hotch with her hands shoved deep in her pockets. Hotch crossed his arms and took a deep breath.

"Seven months ago I made a decsion that affected this team. As you all know Emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle. But, the doctors were able to stabilize her and she was airlifted from Boston to an undisclosed location under a fake name. Her identity and location were on a need to know basis. Once she was well enough to travel, she was reassigned to Paris with several fake identifies and passports, none of which we had access too for security reasons..." Hotch couldn't seem to go on and Spencer knew that if he hadn't been sitting he might have fallen to the floor in shock. The room suddenly seemed to small and oppressive. He couldn't seem to get air into his lungs to breathe.

"She's...she's alive?" asked Garcia near tears. Hotch didn't say anything and he couldn't look any of them in the eye and neither could JJ.

"But we burried her," said Spencer. They had carried her coffin, it was so heavy, not just from the body inside, but from the guilt and loss of failing his friend and teammate. He had cried over her closed coffin and had tossed dirt in grave. They had just stood over her grave and told her how much they missed her. _We burried her and said goodbye. _Spencer couldn't seem to get another word

out. He was speechless.

"As I said I take full responsibility for the decision. If anyone has any issue they should be addressed to me." It was like Morgan was reading his mind.

"Issues," Morgan spat in a tone that didn't seem to cover all the rage and sadness he and everyone else had felt over the past few months. "Yeah I got issues!" Before he could get another word out Garica let out something between a sob and a gasp.

"Oh my god!" Her attention was towards the door and without a thought Spencer turned his chair around and had to grab the armrest for support or else he might have slide right out of the chair from the shock. There in the door, looking a bit thinner, a little tired and with nails that had been cut very short stood the person that his daughter would share one of her names with. _Emily._

"I'm home," she whispered near tears.

A lie may take care of the present, but it has no future. Author Unknown

Notes- Ep's referenced -LDSK-Hotch told an Un-sub Reid couldn't shoot his way out of wet paper bag.

It takes a Village.


	54. Chapter three part thirteen

Chapter three part thirteen

If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it? Dogen

It was almost an out of body experience. He had to use the table to push himself up and out of the chair to stand. _This is a dream...I'm dreaming this._ Spencer looked at Emily and she quickly wiped her eyes. Emily gave him one of the saddest smiles he had ever seen.

"I missed you all so much," she said and she went over to Spencer and hugged him hard. He hugged her back and he hugged her just as hard and it like that moment when they escaped Cyrus and the compound explosion, the relief of just still being alive. _This isn't a dream...oh my god...she's alive._ Spencer had to blink back tears and he couldn't seem to find any words or thoughts to describe how he felt in this moment. Emily broke the hug and she looked at all of them.

"I am so sorry...I really am and not a day went by that I didn't want too.." Morgan looked like he was going to fall over from the shock of seeing her there. _He was one of the last people with Emily before they took her away and told us she was dead. He thought he watched her die._ Emily blinked back tears again. "Really...I...you didn't deserve that and I am so sorry." She hugged Morgan and he put one arm around her, he was still in shock and Spencer was waiting for him to fall over from it. _She's alive...oh my god...all these months..._

"There is so much I want to tell you guys and I will. I promise, but right now I really need to know what is going on with Declan!" Emily sounded frantic and it snapped Spencer back to the present. He would deal with all these conflicting thoughts in his head later, right now a child needed to be saved. One that she had risked her life for twice.

"Emily was there a man living at the house?" asked Spencer. _It's weird to say her name and have her be in the room looking right at you isn't it?_

"Yes, my friend Tom Colelar he was raising Declan as his own," explained Emily.

"Where is he?" asked JJ.

"I never saw him coming or going," said Garcia wondering if she had missed something.

"He was on assignment overseas."

"But he's ok?" asked JJ.

"Yes and he's on his way back. He got a call from Declan and than he called me," explained Emily. _Why the hell did he get to know she was alive and we had to suffer all these months,_ thought Spencer and he quickly shoved it to the back of his mind.

"When I landed Hotch called me and told me you had Doyle in custody."

"That's why you enrolled Declan in a boarding school," said Hotch.

"I made sure that only myself, Tom or Louise were the only ones allowed to take him off campus!"

"Louise picked him up from school early because he was sick," said Spencer.

"It was food poisoning," said Hotch.

"Yeah a few of the kids had it," said Spencer. He had gone over who and come and gone at the school looking for someone out of place and couldn't find anyone. "Whoever did this got to him on campus, they knew they only had one chance."

"Our current suspect is Richard Geriace," said JJ. _She looked you in the eye and told you Emily was dead...she knew the truth and she watched you suffer. _It was another thought that Spencer forced into the back of his mind to deal with later.

"We know it's him because of the scar on his neck in the camera footage," explained Garcia and Emily shook her head.

"That doesn't make any sense, Geriace gave up on Doyle a long time ago."

"We think Geriace and his partner posed as the next shift and one of the agents was a woman," said Spencer.

"Than she's our Alpha," said Emily.

"So were looking for a woman who wants to get back at Doyle," said JJ.

"And our suspect list just got longer...Doyle had a thing for bad girls and there are a lot of pissed off people on his list with rap sheets that go on for days," said Emily.

"We could pull them up and sort them out...anyone from twelve to thirteen years ago narrows it down," said Garcia.

"You, Emily and JJ start working on that list," said Hotch. The three women left the room.

"I'll start going back over the footage," said Spencer. He needed to do something or else his head might explode from everything going though it at the this moment.

"I'll help you," said Rossi.

"Morgan?" asked Hotch. Morgan shook his head.

"I just...I need a minute," he said and he walked out of the room. Hotch shook his head.

"I need to talk to Strauss about this new lead," said Hotch and he left the room also. Spencer sat down and started looking through the video again.

"Reid?" asked Rossi.

"I just need to focus on this right now...please," said Spencer looking at the table. Rossi sat down next to him.

"Ok." A few minutes Emily and JJ came back into the room and queued up the photos Garcia had found. Morgan came in behind them not saying a word with Hotch.

"All these women had ties with Doyle and may have crossed paths with Geriace," said Emily.

"Did any of them have a deeper personal relationship with Doyle?" asked Morgan.

"Whoever it was showed a lot of rage to the nanny," said Hotch looking at the crime scene photos.

"You know the nanny represents a caregiver...a mother figure," said Spencer. _It makes sense now. Why beat the woman so badly...because she was the mother in Declan's life._

"Who is Declan's mother?" asked Hotch like he was reading Spencer's mind.

"Doyle told me she was dead," said Emily. _Well doesn't that sound familiar,_ thought Spencer and he turned to look at the board.

"I'm not gaining any ground with Doyle. You might shock him enough to talk," said Morgan.

"I 'm not sure that's..." started Hotch and Emily cut him off.

"I'll talk to him. Might as well say hello while I'm here," said Emily with a hint of bitterness and she followed Morgan to where they were questioning him.

…...

Emily was in there for less than five minutes before Doyle was telling her everything they wanted to know. Declan's mother was a woman named Chloe Donaghy and she was another piece of work. She had tried to abort Declan and had been stopped by Doyle and was than held prisoner in his home until the baby was born and he sent her away with a large sum of cash and without her son.

She had brought in a tray of cupcakes laced with poison to the Rugby team so she could get to Declan and her rap sheet was filled with arrests for prostitution, weapon charges and drugs. _At least this kid was raised by the nanny and hopefully will be ok after all this is over with._

"She hardly seems like the mothering type. Why would she take Declan?" asked JJ.

"It isn't love," said Hotch. "She wanted to hurt Doyle and she knew this would be the only thing that would even phase him."

"You know statistically the abduction of a child by it's mother, no matter the psychological disposition of said mother would still present a low risk to the child," said Spencer.

"She has plenty of ties here and overseas, she can go anywhere," said Morgan. Garcia starting looking into Chole's American history and was turning over nothing. Emily came back into the room and Hotch a report. _It's sill freaky to see her walk into a room and have it be real...God I have to tell Catherine and Garcia has to tell Kevin and JJ has to tell Will...unless he already knew...god focus Spencer._

"Doyle gave me a list that has all of Chole's contacts with large bank accounts."

"So he thinks it's trade?" asked JJ.

"For what...drugs and weapons?" asked Garcia.

"Does it matter?" asked JJ disgusted at the thought someone would use their child like a pawn. Hotch took the list and gave to Garcia so she could run the names. In less than three minutes Garcia had a name of a man whose brother had been killed by Doyle.

"The Doyle's and the McDermott's have a thing," said Garcia explaining what she had found. She also found the location of a McDermott warehouse that was about to be tore down.

"Reid, Emily: stay here with Doyle. The rest of us are heading to Baltimore," said Hotch and the team left the building. Emily turned and she looked at Spencer, he seemed so ill at ease around her and she knew it was her fault. _You've only been dead for seven months...they had to move on...especially him. _She took a deep breath and went to say something when he beat her too it.

"We should...we should go and watch Doyle. Make sure he doesn't try to pull anything," said Spencer.

"Of course," said Emily and they walked down the hall together in silence. They sat in the room attached to Doyle's interrogation room and watched him without speaking for what felt like forever to Emily. Emily watched him twist his wedding ring and stare off into space. She knew that what she, Hotch and JJ had done was for her safety and the teams and it didn't change how much she had hurt these people that she called family. Taking the first step to repairing the damages would be up to her entirely.

"How's Catherine?" Emily blurted it out without really thinking, but she had a feeling that it might be the only safe topic they had right now. He looked at her puzzled at first and than she couldn't make out what was going through his head, but his tone was guarded like he was scared of her.

"She's...she's fine...she um...we're um...she's due next month," Spencer blurted out. Spencer had read countless of books in his life and none of them ever told you how to talk to a friend that was suddenly back from the dead and he had no clue what he was supposed to feel right now. He was happy that she was here...that if he wanted to talk to her about work, or movies or something he and Catherine had done she was physically here to talk to now and no longer just a head stone. He was hurt by the fact that she hadn't trusted them in the first place even though he trusted her with no hesitation with some of his secrets that others still didn't know about. He was angry at the fact that he and everyone else had mourned for her, cried for her, they had been torn apart by her death and no one thought to clue them in. He knew in his head that it was to keep to safe, but in his heart he was pissed and there was still the other emotions that he couldn't put a name to right now that he was feeling about Emily being alive in a room with him.

"Congratulations," said Emily softly wishing she had nails to pick right now seeing how guarded he was with her about this news.

"Did you know...before you...you left that she was pregnant?" asked Spencer looking straight ahead at Doyle. Before Emily could reply his phone went off.

"Declan's disappeared...they had him at the warehouse, but now they're gone." Before she react Spencer was already in interrogation room staring down Doyle. _I knew things would be different and that they would be different, I just didn't know how much._

…...

"Your ex is working with Lachlan McDermott," said Spencer looking down at the man who was looking slightly homeless and emotionally broken. He wouldn't look Spencer in the eye upon hearing who had his child right now. "How would they leave the country?"

Doyle seemed frazzled, not the cold blooded killer they had dealt with months ago. The toll of running and the toll of having the one thing he cared about being harmed had broken him and Spencer knew that if he was going to get anything he would have to push his buttons.

"I don't know, but he has endless funds and you'll never find him or stop him," said Doyle.

"And he hates you doesn't he," it was a statement not a question and Doyle looked at smugly.

"More than you do Doctor." _Don't bet on that, _though Spencer looking at the person who has threatened his wife and took away his best friend. _I hate breathing the same air as you._ The idea came to him quickly, there was only thing that would make these people give up the child unhurt.

" Than maybe we should give him the thing he really wants...you." Doyle looked up at him with something almost resembling respect. Before Doyle could say anything Emily was already in the room looking furious.

"No we are not letting him out of here Reid!"

"Emily, I will chain myself to him if I have too"

"He will find a way to escape!"

"No he won't and we're running out of time! If we find McDormott now we'll still have a change to save Declan!"

"Well aren't we noble pretending that you care about my son," muttered Doyle.

"Yes I care that a child's life is in danger...you I honestly don't give a shit about," said Spencer not even looking at him.

"Strauss will never agree to a swap," said Emily. She was taken aback by Spencer's attitude, it was rare to see him mad and when he was it was a sight to behold.

"It's not like they'll want to keep me alive," said Doyle. "Death by your government or death by them either way I'm going out. If them killing me will save my son than so be it."

"Well look who's noble now...I'll talk to Strauss," said Emily and they went to leave the room.

"So tell me Dr. Reid...how is that pretty little wife of yours?" It stopped Spencer in his tracks and he turned to face Doyle who looked at him smugly. "She's due in a few weeks isn't she...can't tell you how many times I've seen her coming and going from the school with that little blond girl...and to think I wouldn't have even needed to use the silencer." Emily was about ready to drag Spencer out of that room before he completely lost his temper. Instead he glared at Doyle and spoke calmly.

"At least my significant other wanted my baby." Doyle went to stand up and couldn't due to the cuffs and Spencer left the room.

"He got mouthy," said Doyle looking at Emily.

"You threatened his wife. Now tell me how they would get out of the country!"

…...

It took some fast talking on Emily's part with Strauss, but they got her permission to take Doyle and a Tactical Team to the airfield in Maryland. They took a helicopter to the airfield and Doyle simply looked at the window, Emily was talking to Hotch and Spencer looked straight away still trying to process what was going on right now and couldn't. They landed less than twenty minutes later and stopped the plane from taking off. Hotch was talking through a bull horn at Chloe and McDormott

"You'll make sure he stay safe...I don't care what happens to me, but I want your word that he'll be safe," said Doyle looking at him once he was out of the helicopter.

"You have my word that I won't let anything happen him," said Spencer.

"Spoken like a father," said Doyle. McDormott came out of the plane with Declan in front of him and pointing a gun at the boy's head.

"Bring Doyle here! I want him on his knees!" ordered McDormott. Spencer grabbed one arm and Emily grabbed the other and they marched him over. McDormott pointed the gun at Doyle.

"Well look at you...you bastard...it's your time now!" Out of the corner of his eye, Spencer thought he say movement from the plane's stairs.

"GUN!" yelled Morgan. Chloe came into his line of sight and she had gun, she raised her weapon and shot Doyle in the neck. Spencer quickly pulled his gun and fired at Chloe, she got McDormott as Emily reached out and grabbed Declan and Spencer emptied the rest of his clip into Chloe, dead center and she fell over the stairs. Hotch, Morgan and JJ ran forward as Spencer quickly took McDormott's gun away and checked for a pulse and found none and the same for Chloe. Emily had Declan and Doyle laid bleeding on the ground as he looked at his son and he reached out a hand to him. The young boy took it carefully.

"I remember you," he said sadly.

"I'm sorry son." Doyle closed his eyes and fell back to the pavement, he too was dead. Declan closed his eyes tightly and Emily hugged him.

"I just want to go home," said Declan.

"Me too," said Emily. _Me too,_ thought Spencer looking at the three dead people on the ground.

…...

The scene was cleared quickly and they made their back to the Virginia with Declan. His adopted father waiting for him at the BAU with Strauss. Declan hugged his father tightly and was still fighting tears.

"You can take him home," said Hotch.

"Thank you...for everything," he said and he took Declan, who thanked them all on the way back to DC, home to recover.

"All of you my office now!" ordered Strauss.

"Oh boy! Mommy is mad at us," said Rossi.

"How bad do you think it's going to be?" asked Garcia coming up to them.

"Bad," said Hotch and he headed up to the office.

"Let's just get this over with," said Morgan following Hotch. The team went up to Strauss's office and tried to brace themselves for whatever was about to happen.

"There are not words for how bad this situation is!" snapped Strauss. _I could think of a few,_ thought Spencer keeping his mouth shut.

"Until further notice you are all under suspension, unpaid and are no longer part of the FBI. In two weeks time a Senate Committee will decide your status." Garcia sat down in a chair stunned. JJ and Emily looked at her blankly. Rossi gave her a bitter and tight smile. Hotch was stone faced and Morgan just threw down his badge and handed her his gun.

"The only regret I have is not taking Doyle out months ago." He turned and left the office. Garcia handed her badge over.

"We saved Declan and we got Emily back...they can have it." She turned and left. Rossi handed his badge and gun over.

"Well Erin you saved me filling out the paper work for my time off. Guess this means I'm free to do interviews with Anderson Cooper now."

"Get out of my office David!" With a little bow Rossi left her office. Emily shrugged and tossed her visitor tag on the desk.

"Since I technically don't work here..." JJ handed over her badge and gun wordlessly as did Hotch.

"Dr. Reid," prompted Strauss. He took a deep breath and handed over his badge and gun.

"In two weeks..." she started and Spencer cut her off.

"I don't feel you have the right to do this." Strauss looked at him like he had grown two heads as did the others.

"And why is that Dr. Reid?"

"Because I don't feel like I have done anything that violated my duties to this office. A young boy's life was in danger and we saved him. If that is going to get me suspended than I don't belong here." Before she could say anything else he walked out of her office and collected his things from his desk. Morgan, Garcia and Rossi were already at the elevator waiting.

"It's six am and I need a drink," said Rossi.

"Mimosas are good," said Garcia.

"Beer is better," said Morgan. JJ, Emily and Hotch joined them.

"We're debating liquor for breakfast," said Garcia.

"I...we...we need to tell Will, Catherine and Kevin about this," said JJ twisting her ring.

"I just miss seeing them," said Emily.

"We can have breakfast at my place," said Morgan and they got on the elevator. It was Saturday morning and Hotch really wanted to see Jack after being away for month. Spencer didn't blame him for wanting to see his child after this.

"I guess...I'll see you all of you later," said Hotch and he got in cab and headed home. Garcia called Kevin and woke him up.

"Yes...yes it's very important that you meet us! I...I can't explain over the phone. I'll be there in a little bit to pick you up!" She got off the phone and looked at Spencer.

"I'll drop you off at your place," said Garcia.

"I'll go get Will and Henry," said JJ.

"Guess that leaves you and me," said Morgan.

"Ok," said Emily

"I'll bring the booze," said Rossi. Emily followed Morgan to his car. JJ and Rossi left and Spencer and Garcia got into her car. They drove in silence for awhile, of course Garcia couldn't stay quiet long.

"It's like a dream and a nightmare merged into one...I mean we get Emily back, but we lose our jobs...is it supposed to even out somehow?"

"Honestly I'm still trying to process the last fifteen hours and I'm worried about how the stress of this is going to affect Catherine and it's all beyond comprehension right now," said Spencer.

"Make sure she's sitting down...if I hadn't been sitting I would have fallen over." She dropped him off and she waved goodbye before driving off. Spencer headed up the apartment and Catherine was still sleeping. He sat down on the bed and kissed her forehead and started playing with her hair. She groaned and went to roll away.

"Not fair...can't roll over," she muttered. He couldn't help but smile. He put a hand on her midsection and rubbed it. "No...don't wake her up...oh come on." Catherine opened her eyes and tried to glare at him while half asleep.

"Well now I'm awake and so is she...you better have something amazing to wake me up for." _You're about to find out..._

"It's a long story, but we need to go over to Morgan's." Catherine looked up at him and frowned.

"Are you ok?" He leaned over and kissed her. _I'm not sure right now._

…...

Spencer was quiet the whole time she was getting ready and quiet on the drive to Morgan's. He took her hand and squeezed it hard and he had this odd look in his eye. They parked his car and went up to Morgan's house. Spencer rang the bell and he heard Clooney barking, Morgan greeted them at the door. He let them in and house smelled like French Toast and coffee. JJ, Will and Henry were already there and so was Rossi sipping a Bloody Mary and a few minutes later Garcia and Kevin came in.

"Ok the gang's all here so what's the big surprise?" asked Will. JJ took a deep breath and stepped away from Will.

"Um...have a seat," said JJ. Will looked confused but sat back down. JJ fiddled with her ring for a moment and cursed Hotch in her head. He had to tell them team and they had to act professional at the time and had a case to focus on, now she had to tell the other members of the family what was going on. The people who supported them as best as they could for the past seven months and had grieved this lost with them. The ones who made this job bearable had been hurt by this too and they didn't have to act professional.

"I...I um...a few months ago...Emily was badly injured when she was kidnapped and attacked by Doyle and she suffered a lot of blood lost and several internal injuries, but the doctors were able to stabilize her." JJ was so flustered she forgot to sign and Catherine caught a few words. _Emily, doctors and what looked liked stabilize. _Catherine looked at Spencer confused. Will looked stunned and so did Kevin.

"Is she talking about Emily?" asked Catherine out loud. Spencer shot a glare at JJ and than signed to Catherine what JJ had said.

"What do you mean 'stabilize her'?" asked Catherine out loud.

"Are you telling us...she's alive?" asked Will and JJ nodded.

"We had to fake her death for her safety...since Doyle got away and we knew that he wouldn't stop until she was dead. Myself, Hotch, Clyde and three other people knew she was alive. We relocated her to Paris and she was given new identities to hid her from Doyle," said/signed JJ. Spencer watched Catherine's face get paler by the second, while Will's was getting redder and Kevin looked stunned.

"She's alive," said Will and JJ nodded.

"Emily...you can come out now," called JJ. Emily came out of the kitchen and into the living room. Spencer watched Catherine's eyes get wide and it was like all the color drained out of her face. Will looked furious and Kevin looked stunned beyond words. Catherine pushed herself out of her chair and couldn't stop looking at Emily and both women looked near tears.

"So...bad sushi huh?" teased Emily and she gestured to the baby bump. It was so unreal that while she had been in hiding her best friends were about to become parents. Emily wished she could have been there when they told the team, she wished a lot of things would had gone differently. Emily stepped forward and hugged Catherine. Catherine found that she couldn't breath and that she was very hot and cold all at once. Her knees locked and she fainted, Emily caught her and Spencer was out of his chair in a heart beat and took Catherine from her and sat on the floor with her. Henry got upset and started crying. Will didn't say anything, he just picked up Henry and went outside with him.

"Will," said JJ and she followed him outside.

"What the hell?" asked Kevin.

"Kevin..."started Garcia.

"Penny cried for weeks after your funeral and don't even get me started on what was going on in the Reid household...this is...this is just...what...if your out of Witness Protection or whatever you were under does this mean Doyle is gone?" asked Kevin.

"It's a really long story, but yeah Doyle is dead and we've all been placed under suspension until further notice," muttered Garcia.

"Is she ok?" asked Emily squatting down next to Spencer and Catherine. She knew that he was always very protective of Catherine and she had a feeling that protectiveness had increased since her pregnancy.

"She'll be fine," he said coolly and he started trying to wake her up. Catherine stirred and looked up and saw Spencer and Emily looking down at her and she realized that she hadn't been dreaming that Emily was really alive.

"Oh my god," muttered Catherine. Spencer helped Catherine up and she leaned against him.

"I am so sorry and I can't imagine how hard this was for all of you," said/signed Emily hugging her again.

"I just...I need some air," signed Catherine and she walked outside to the front.

…...

Will put Henry down and he ran after the dog laughing.

"Doggy daddy! Doggy!" cried Henry. JJ came up to him.

"Please talk to me," pleaded JJ.

"Seven months JJ...in seven months you didn't think to even tell me about this!"

"I couldn't tell anyone Will."

"I'm not anyone...I'm the father of your child, we share a home and a life together, other than a piece of paper I consider you my wife and you couldn't tell me she was alive. I guess I can understand you not telling me...but the team my god JJ. Spencer was out it for almost three months and it almost ended his marriage. If he wasn't over crying with you, Penny was over sobbing her eyes out. It messed them all up and they would have kept it to themselves and it would have helped them move on and with closure. They blamed themselves for her death...and you and Hotch let them."

"It wasn't like that...we had to trick Doyle to thinking she was dead and if Doyle was watching the team he had to believe that they were grieving."

"Well you fooled me," muttered Will.

"Will..."

"I'm hurt...I know you had to do this for your job and that there are things you can never tell me because of your job, but it still doesn't change how it hurts," said Will watching Henry play with the dog.

"I am so sorry and I never meant to hurt any of you...in a way it was like she was dead. We didn't know if we were ever going to find Doyle and if she would ever come home. I love you and I wish I could have told someone...anyone." She wished she could tell him about how much the guilt ate at her and made her miserable. Will sighed and hugged her.

"I love you too cheri...I just wish you hadn't gone through this alone." JJ hugged him back and watched their son play with the dog.

…...

Catherine sat down on front stairs and closed her eyes, she felt Spencer's hand on her shoulder. She leaned against him and he rubbed her back.

"Are you ok?" he asked.

"Just...I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel right now," signed Catherine.

"I know how you feel."

"I just need some time to think. Do you mind if I go home? I can catch the train a few blocks from here."

"Can I go home with you?" Catherine looked at him confused. She figured that he would want to stay with the team.

"I'll be fine if you want to stay." He took her hand and he had the odd look in his eyes.

"I need some time to think too ok and I need to fill you in on what else happened."

"What else happened?" asked Catherine. Spencer sighed.

"We need talk about it at home ok."

"Alright. Let's go home." Spencer went back into the house and told Garcia they were going home.

"But..."she started.

"I just need sometime to think and I need to talk to Catherine about everything that has happened," said Spencer. Emily heard this from the living room and frowned. She knew that the team was in shock, but she was worried about them has her friends and her family. She heard the door shut and Rossi finished his drink.

"Well this went well."

…...

"So what happens now?" asked Catherine sipping her tea. Spencer told her about his suspension and the Senate hearing that was supposed to happen in two weeks.

"I have to asked to be reinstated and I'm not going too. I didn't do anything wrong and I didn't violate my duties to my job or my team. We saved a young boy's life and four international criminals are dead now. I'm failing to see what I did wrong," signed Spencer poking at his breakfast. He was starting to feel a sort of quiet panic though creep in. He was unemployed and his wife was supposed to have a baby next month. They had a good amount in the saving account, but still he was supposed to take care of her and he was out of job.

"I...I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about Emily. I'm just I'm happy that she's alive...I really missed her and it's just surreal that I can pick up the phone and text her now," signed Catherine. Spencer didn't say anything he just looked down at his breakfast and Catherine knew where this could head.

"Please talk to me," said Catherine sadly. Spencer looked back up and saw that Catherine seemed near tears. _Shit_, he thought to himself. Catherine hadn't had a lot of wild mood swings during her pregnancy, but he knew how it made her feel when he wouldn't talk to her. He wasn't upset with her, it was just the situation was driving him up the wall. He reached over and took her hand and squeezed.

"I'm...I'm happy she's back, but it's just hard to process that she was alive this whole time and that Hotch and JJ knew...that they looked us in the eyes and told us how much they missed her too and they knew. I know on an intellectual level that they had to do it to keep her safe, but emotionally I'm kind of pissed off." He thought back on all the nights he had cried with JJ and she cried with him about how much they missed Emily and the whole time she knew. _We wouldn't have told anyone...why did they do this too us. _Catherine took his hand and she hugged him carefully.

"It's going to be ok. The job thing...well we can handle that. If you get reinstated than problem solved. If not, I doubt you'll be unemployed long, I bet with one phone call Cal-Tech would gladly hire you...hell I bet if you call any school they would hire you. The Emily thing, I really don't think there is one way your supposed to feel about your friends coming back from the dead. Just promise me one thing."

"What?"

"If you ever have to fake being dead, don't leave me behind." Catherine wiped her eyes quickly and Spencer hugged.

"I wouldn't leave you behind ever."

Love must be as much a light, as it is a flame. Henry David Thoreau 

Ep's references-It takes a Village and Minimum Loss


	55. Chapter three part fourteen

Chapter three part fourteen

If you're going through hell, keep going. Winston Churchill

The day of the Senate hearing Catherine watched Spencer button his shirt and put on a tan sweater vest.

"Shouldn't you wear a suit?" asked Catherine. Spencer raised an eyebrow. "I mean to look more professional...I just...I'm rambling." He couldn't help but give her a small smile.

"It's going to be ok." Even if he didn't get reinstated he knew what he had done was the right thing. It had saved a young boy's life and Doyle was dead. _I wouldn't have need a silencer,_ taunted Doyle. He had threaten his wife and daughter and the fact that he was dead didn't phase Spencer and it made him wonder if he was heartless. _Considering he threatened a pregnant Deaf woman I know who the real heartless one is. _Catherine was sitting on the edge to the bed watching him get dressed and he could tell she was slightly on edge. He bent down and kissed her.

"It's going to work out one way or another. I either get reinstated and get my job back or I take the job offer at MIT." He had put some feelers out for a new job just in case this went badly, he had gotten several offers and so far MIT had been the best offer and there was a school of Deaf a few towns over that Catherine could get a job if she wanted to. If anything what this job was paying him it would allow Catherine to be a stay at home mother if she wanted to.

"You still haven't told anyone have you?" asked Catherine.

"Everyone is already on edge about how this hearing is going to go and I don't want to make it worse by making it seem like I have an exit strategy...It's a back up plan to make sure we're ok," signed Spencer. Catherine kissed him.

"They're going to reinstate you and it's going to be ok. I just want you to know that no matter what happens today that I think you did the right thing. You saved that boy and our friend is home. It's going to be ok." Spencer finished getting ready and he and Catherine caught the train. He got Catherine on her train and than he caught the train to Capitol Hill. He walked into the Senate building and headed up to the fourth floor. Rossi, Morgan, Garcia and Strauss were already there.

"JJ was called in first," said Morgan.

"Jack Cramer is conducting that hearing along with the Justice Department committee," said Struass and she walked away when her phone rang.

"Why aren't we in there?" asked Spencer.

"They're just trying to intimidate us," said Rossi.

"Well that's not going to work," said Morgan.

"I am not ok with us," said Garcia looked worried.

"You made not even be a wittness," said Rossi trying to comfort her.

"I'm not worried about me...don't they have anything better to do than this?"

"Baby girl this is just what they do," said Morgan. Strauss hung up her phone and came back to them.

"Anything?" asked Rossi.

"It doesn't look good and they want to question you all," she said.

"How long is she going to be in there?" asked Spencer.

"They want to wrap this up today and it's only eight am," said Strauss.

"Well that is positive," said Rossi barely hiding his contempt for all this.

"I need some air," muttered Garcia and she left the group, Morgan sighed and followed her. Strauss walked away leaving Rossi and Spencer alone. Spencer sat down and stared off into space and Rossi sat down next to him.

"So I really don't care how this go, Morgan is worried, Garcia is freaking out...how are you holding up?" asked Rossi. Spencer twisted his ring and sighed. "Let me rephrase that how is Catherine dealing with all this."

"I'm staying calm so she doesn't stress out. I don't want her going into labor early from all the stress. She due in five weeks...I didn't ask to be reinstated." Rossi nodded.

"Hotch told me what you told Strauss and you're right."

"You asked to be reinstated."

"I did it to piss Erin off and well at this point in my life I need the amusement where ever I can get it. You on the other hand could have groveled and begged for your job back and you didn't. And I think that pisses people off even more," said Rossi. Spencer shook his head and twisted his ring. Garcia and Morgan came back a few minutes later and waited with them. JJ came out of the room an hour later along with a man in a suit.

"Derek Morgan," said the man. Morgan stood up and went into the room. The man in the suit took JJ into another room.

"We can't talk to her?" asked Garica.

"They don't want us comparing notes," said Rossi. Garica started pacing again and Hotch came up to them frowning.

"They want to talk to you next Garica." She looked panic stricken and started pacing faster. Another hour went by and Morgan came out looking murderous and was taken to the same room as JJ and they took Garica back and they only had her for thirty minutes before taking her to the other room and calling Rossi in. He and Hotch sat together looking off into space each thinking about the people they had left at home who they promised to take care of. Each wondering if they were doing the right thing by them.

"Good luck," said Rossi and they called Hotch in next leaving Spencer alone. He sat there and started playing with his wedding ring. Strauss came out of the ladies room and Spencer could swear he smelled a hint of something alcoholic on her, either vodka or gin. She sat down next to him and offered him a mint that he declined. He didn't blame her for drinking...in the past two weeks he had gone to an NA meeting four times. Almost four years clean and he still had to repress the urge, they told him it would be a lifelong struggle. _Doesn't mean I have to like it._ He heard her heels before he saw her. Emily approached a guard to go through another round of clearance. Spencer looked over and that wave of confusion and sadness was there with a small dose of happiness of seeing her again. She followed the guard away and looked over at Spencer and gave a small tight smile.

"At least you got her back," said Strauss.

"Did we?" asked Spencer. It had been two weeks and no one had really spoken to each other. It was all still stressful and confusing to deal with for everyone. It was like when Emily died and they all went into their own place to lick their wounds and figure out what to do next.

He and Catherine had talked about what this move would mean for them professional and personally. It was sort of a step up professional for him, he would get paid more, work less hours and it would give him the chance to get another degree if he wanted. Personally it would be hard on both of them, they had made friends and family here in DC. Spencer knew that Catherine would miss the friends and the students she had here and he was wondering how his own family and team would take this.

He was torn he loved them, but right now he was upset with JJ, Hotch and Emily. A wedge was there and he wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel about their actions. He was especially hurt by JJ who had watched him suffer and said nothing. He had spilled everything to her and yet she knew the truth. She had watched his marriage almost fall apart and still she said nothing, he wondered what it would have taken for her to tell the truth.

"You still don't feel like you did anything wrong?" asked Struass.

"That man threatened to kill my wife and almost killed my best friend. We saved the life of a young boy and four international criminals are gone. Where was I wrong?" asked Spencer looking her in the eye.

"Dr. Reid." Spencer stood up and walked into the room as Hotch was being lead away.

…...

"Please state your name for the record," said Cramer.

"It's Dr. Spencer Reid." The room was empty except for him and the members of the committee. It was a closed hearing and maybe it was meant to scare him in some way. _I've been held hostage by some of the most dangerous Un-subs in the country. If you think this is scary than you need to try harder._

"Dr. Reid...you had barely been back in the unit for three weeks when this happened. You were on sabbatical for several weeks, why was that?" asked Cramer.

"Why is that important?" asked Spencer.

"Just answer the question please."

" When Unit Chief Hotchner said the team could downsize I decided to take some time to spend with my spouse and family to consider if I wanted to stay with the unit or not."

"It took you almost three months to make a decsion."

"No I had already made my descsion, but decided to spend time with my family. Other than my mandatory leave and a few holidays I don't get the time to spend much time with my family. I'm failing to see what this has to do with my actions considering Ian Doyle." Cramer made a face and flipped through a folder.

"You were the one who suggested Ian Doyle be released."

"I am."

"And you're the only agent who hasn't asked to be reinstated to the unit."

"That's correct."

"Considering it took you three months to decide to stay with the unit why aren't you fighting for your reinstatement?"

"Because as I told Chief Strauss I don't feel like my actions went against my job." Cramer made another face like he was biting a sour lemon.

"Was the decision to release Ian Doyle a personal one?"

"A young boy's life was at stake and I ran the probability of his survival and it wasn't good. If you want to punish me for taking a risk I encourge you to do so. But, do not put the rest of my team on trial for something I suggested," said Spencer. If they still had Doyle Spencer had feeling that none of them would be here right now. It didn't matter that a trial for Doyle would be a waste of time and money and that he would kill again.

"Calm down Agent," said Cramer holding up a finger at him like he was child.

"This is calm and it's Doctor," said Spencer barely holding his contempt in check for this man who had no idea how much he and the others had gone through for almost a year.

"The United States government is not in the business of trading captives," said Cramer.

"New York City, July 2010. Referred to as 'The Spy Swap..."

"That's enough."

"You can't just change the rules sir." _What you meant to say is that we only do it when it's the our benefit._

"And you can't just break them. Because of your 'suggestion' four people are dead."

"Four people that murdered civilians and Federal agents. Four people that according to the charges that would have been filed against them would have been put on death row."

"So you feel that you have done nothing wrong."

"I already stated that I didn't feel that way." Cramer was getting more furious by the second and Spencer found he didn't care.

"Dr. Reid you are a very smart man and I'm puzzled by how you think you did nothing wrong considering one the supects is dead by your hand?"

"Chole Donheny had a gun and was willing to kill her own son. I defended myself, my team and the young boy she was trying to kill. I was under the impression that when a supect pulls a weapon on you and opens fire that the use of deadly force is allowed."

"But had you not offered to swap Doyle for the boy would she have opened fire."

"She and her partner murdered two Federal Agents, beat a women to death and kidnapped a twelve year old boy. I don't think she needed a reason to fire on us." Cramer closed the folder and glared down at Spencer.

"Dr. Reid in your own words tell me why you think that you or any members of your team should be allowed to reinstated."

"I've been with this team for six years, five months and three days. In that time we have stopped countless serial killers, rapist, and kidnappers from hurting any more families. We have saved more lives than even I can keep track of. Declan Doyle was just one of many that we have saved and while not everything was done by the so called book I would repeat my actions on the day in question if it meant that his life would be saved. I do not regret my actions in any way." Spencer watched Cramer and several committee members take notes and whisper to each other.

"I believe we're finished here."

…...

They were all called back into the room an hour later right after Emily gave her statement. They all took their seats and Spencer wished this day would come to an end. He had no regrets about his actions on that day, Declan had been saved. Everyone else looked panic stricken, even Hotch looked a little on edge.

"This team took many unprecedented risks," started Cramer. Nothing about the last few months had precedent in Spencer's mind. If you had told him three weeks ago that someone he buried would be coming back in his life and her 'killer' was dead he would have thought it a horrible prank, now she sat between Hotch and Morgan worried about them too.

"None were approved. We have rules and you chose to ignore all of them. Every last one of you. You have shown blatant disrespect for the Bureau and for the authory of law in general." _Unlike the people we stopped,_ thought Spencer. He was half tempted to walk out of this room and call MIT to say he would start teaching in the spring. To text Catherine and tell her to start packing again. He had a feeling that this lecture was a big fancy show and that they would not be getting their jobs back. _I bet if we had done the same thing and it was your kid we wouldn't be here right now._

"What I find interesting is that you are the experts in behavior and find nothing wrong with yours." _Can we finish this while I'm still twenty nine? _Cramer went to say something else and Emily spoke up.

"May I?" she asked and she went on anyway. "The journey was not traditional, but this team neutralized four international criminals and saved a young boy's life in the process." Emily had more to say, but Cramer cut her off.

"You started a war with Ian Doyle years ago that this team and the US government had to finish." Spencer hated this man, but he was right. Emily had brought Doyle home with her and than didn't trust them to help her. _If you had just trusted us...we might not be here right now. _Emily ducked her head in shame and said nothing else.

"The rest of you are dismissed...Agent Preteniss, we're not done." Spencer and the others stood up and left the room. Spencer looked back to look at his team and noticed that Hotch was standing in the doorway looking at Emily with an expression he couldn't read.

…...

_I did bring a war home with me, I hurt the people I care about more than anything and they are still paying for it,_ thought Emily as she sat in the room alone. Than again being alone was something she had gotten bitterly used to over the past few months. She got check in calls from Clyde and she and JJ played online games together on the sly, but it didn't change how much she wanted to be with her family. To mess with Morgan, to hug Garica, to go shopping with JJ, to have a drink with Rossi, to see Spencer and Catherine deal with becoming parents, to kiss Hotch behind a closed door. She couldn't count the nights she had cried or drank herself to sleep in Paris. She used to love Paris now it was like a prison cell to her.

"I will admit that my actions in the past concerning Ian Doyle were a mistake and one that I am still coming to terms with. I accept any punishment given to me, but the team doesn't deserved to be punished for my past mistakes. The only people I know who could have accomplished this mission just walked out of the room. They do and have done their jobs with integrity and most importantly they have honored their oath-I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States of America against all Enemies both Foreign and Domestic. I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same. That I take this obligation freely without any mental reversation or purpose of evasion. That I will well and faithfuly discharge the office on which I am about to enter. So help me god. Ian Doyle not only threatened my life, he threatened theirs and their families. Yet despite these risk they still want to serve this office and the people it protects. You will not find a better group of people willing to serve this country. They feel that they did nothing wrong because they protected what was theirs. If you were in their shoes you would do the same."

Cramer and the committee just looked at her. Without another word she left and saw that Hotch was waiting for her. He didn't say anything and they walked out together.

…...

It was one of those surreal moments to be looking at her picture on the wall with the other agents that had been killed in the line of duty. She really hated it, it was just a bad picture. Rossi came up to her and grinned.

"Never thought we would be taking one of these down." He went to take it down and Emily grinned.

"I already tried that and it's screwed in."

"You're kidding." Rossi found it wouldn't budge. Garcia came up to them with a screwdriver.

"This should do the trick." Rossi took the screwdriver from her and started taking the picture down. "I also have Serigo."

"Oh I knew you would!" She knew if anyone would take care of the cat it would be Garcia.

"I need visitation rights."

"He's the love isn't he?" asked Emily.

"Well he takes after his mom," said Garcia grinning.

"Now I just have to find somewhere to live again. JJ has a lovely home, but it's not cat friendly." Garcia half shrugged.

"Well...when we cleaned out your apartment we did put some stuff in storage and I will admit some of your shoes went to me and some of your jewelery went to JJ and Catherine. But we'll give it back."

"No. You guys keep it. It's the least I can do."

"Can I keep the cat?" Emily mocked glared and Garcia hugged her. Rossi got the photo off the wall and handed it to her.

"For your new place." Spencer, JJ, Hotch and Morgan came forward. Morgan shook his head and started to walk away. Hotch came up to him and said something quietly so they couldn't hear. Morgan nodded, but before anyone else could say anything Strauss was coming towards them.

"We need talk," she went up the meeting room.

"And mommy is still very upset with us," said Rossi.

"You think if we kill we could plea insanity?" asked JJ.

"Actually the insanity defense works in very few cases. Statistical in works 1 in ever 5000 cases," said Spencer.

"Why do you have to bring us down?" asked Garcia.

"Let's just get this over with," said Hotch and they went of the round table room.

"The committee made it clear they will not support a rouge team. Agent Prentiss conceived them that you were not that." It was like a wave of relief filled the room. Spencer couldn't believe it, they had been cleared.

"So we're ok?" asked Garica.

"Supension is lifted for everyone and everyone is reinstated."

"Thank you," said JJ and she fell into a chair. Struass looked at Emily and sighed.

"There will be some more paper work considering your situation, but the team is lucky to have you if your interested," said Strauss.

"Can I think about it?" asked Emily.

"Of course." A few seconds later Emily shook her head and smiled.

"I'm in." JJ looked like she wanted to smack her and Hotch gave the small smile.

"Well I have a stack of cases on my desk that I'm more than happy to pass on to you."

"I'll get them in the morning," said Hotch and Struass left the room.

"And than the Wicked Witch flew back to her castle," said Rossi.

"Emily, what did you say to them?" asked Morgan.

"I told them the truth and that trying to get a new team in here would be a nightmare, no one wants this job other than us...due to what I feel is a lack of sanity," teased Emily.

"Thank you," said Morgan and he walked over and hugged her.

"Ok kiddies it's time to get our party on! We're employeed and together again!" said Garcia.

"Amen to that," said JJ.

"Dinner," suggested Hotch.

"New burger joint down the street is really good," said Rossi.

"Waitresses are cute," said Morgan and Garcia shoved him.

"You in?" asked Emily looking at Spencer.

"Come on," pleaded Garcia. "Soon you're going to stuck home all the time with diapers and baby spit up and we'll never see you outside of work. Oh call Kitty and tell her to come because soon we'll never see her at all."

"Why do you make having children sound like a death sentence?" asked Spencer.

"It killed my social life," said Hotch.

"You had a social life?" asked Morgan.

"I really miss you guys," said Emily tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and looking at Spencer. He sighed, this was his family and he had missed them.

"You want to come with me to get her from school...she's probably still there rehearsing with the kids?"

"I would love to," said Emily.

…...

"She sounds amazing," signed Kyle. They were watching Natalie preform and she was singing and signing to Adele's-Someone like you.

"Her signing is...it needs a little work," signed Catherine. "I don't think she's feeling it right." Natalie finished and everyone clapped or waved.

"Natalie that sounded amazing, but you're also signing it. They can't hear what you're feeling," said/signed Kyle and the young girl looked confused.

"Did I mess it up?"

"No, but how you sign it is how I hear it," explained Catherine and Kyle translated it for Natalie. Catherine got up and went up to the stage and Kyle to translate for her.

"This song...it's about loss and trying to move on?" asked Catherine and Natalie nodded. "You signed it right, but I can't hear the emotion your singing about. I need to see it." Natalie was new to the program and this was the only choir going on right now and she looked annoyed.

"I don't understand how you can see the emotion," signed Kyle.

"You sing the song again and I want you to watch me sign it," said Catherine. Natalie looked even more annoyed, but she took her place again. Kyle motioned for the music to start again and once Natalie started singing again Catherine started signing with her.

_I heard that you're settled down_

_That you found a girl and you're married now  
>I heard that your dreams came true<br>Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you_

_Old friend, why are you so shy?  
>Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light<em>

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited  
>But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it<br>I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded  
>That for me, it isn't over<p>

Never mind, I'll find someone like you  
>I wish nothing but the best for you, too<br>Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said  
>Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead<br>Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

"Do you understand now?" asked Kyle. "You feel how sad the song really is." Catherine looked at Natalie and it was clear the girl was understanding it now.

"I can't hear you, but I can feel it," said Catherine. Natalie nodded and Catherine got off the stage. Has she went back to her seat she noticed that Spencer and Emily had been there.

"That was amazing," said/signed Emily.

"You think you can handle the kids for the last twenty minutes of rehearsal?" asked Catherine.

"I think we might wrap up early today. I think the show is going to look great," said/signed Kyle. Catherine waved good bye to group on stage and than went in the back to say good bye to them. Catherine looked back and forth between Spencer and Emily.

"Do you mind if we have a minute?" asked Catherine. Emily nodded and walked away. Catherine took Spencer by the hand and into one of the class rooms.

"How did it go?" she asked.

"I got reinstated and I can go back to work on Monday," signed Spencer. Catherine looked visible relieved and she hugged him.

"This is good right. You wanted your job back."

"Yeah...yeah I did,"

"I sense a but in there." He just hugged her again.

"I'm still just working through how I feel about some of things that have happened over the past few months." He was happy to have his job back, but how was he supposed to trust Hotch and JJ after this.

"We're ok though. If you still want to move and take the other job...I'll be ok with it..."

"I sense a but in there," signed Spencer.

"We started our life together here and I'm happy here. But if you need to this, I'm with you. You told me once that I was your home and the same is true for me." Spencer kissed her slowly.

"Thank you so much. I'm going to stay with the BAU...it's not going to be easy, but I don't know what it is that keeps me there." Catherine nodded. "We got invited to dinner with the team. They want to see you before you disappear for what they assume is forever after you have the baby." Catherine laughed.

"I am starving. Do you want to go?" Spencer took her hand and squeezed.

"We do have something to celebrate." Catherine kissed him on the cheek and they walked out of the classroom together. Emily watched as Catherine and Spencer walk down the hall and she couldn't help but smile at how they looked together. She was happy for them and she could only imagine how much this meant to them. Catherine locked eyes with Emily and there was a hint of sadness in her smile.

"I missed you," signed Emily.

"I missed you too," signed Catherine and she hugged Emily. It felt so odd to hug her friend again after missing her for so long and Emily felt the same way.

"You are...wow... congratulations again," signed Emily trying to not cry.

"Come on...we have a lot to catch up on." Spencer walked a little behind Catherine and Emily as they signed back and forth. It was in Catherine's nature to be forgiving, it was the reason she able to stay with him despite all his faults. Spencer on the other hand was trying to find the keys that would let him forgive what had happened.

Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends. Shirley Maclaine

Notes-How I heard the line. "This is calm and it's doctor...bitch!" It was unspoken but, it would have just competed the sentence.


	56. Chapter three part fifteen

Chapter three part fifteen

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. William Blake

"I think my grandmother would both love and hate The Tudors," signed Catherine sitting on the sofa watching the period drama.

"Why is that?" asked Spencer.

"She would love how detailed they are with the food and the costumes, but she would hate how historically inadequate some of the plot points are and she would hate the fact that they don't have Henry in a fat suit. He weighed like 300 pounds near the end." Catherine noticed Spencer's phone light up on the table. "You gonna get that?" Spencer looked down at the phone and hit ignore. Catherine didn't say anything, but Spencer saw that look she gave him out of the corner of his eye.

"Yes?" Catherine sighed and paused the show.

"That's the fourth call you've ignored. Who are we avoiding?"

"JJ," he admitted.

"You're still mad aren't you?" He was supposed to go back into work tomorrow morning and while he was looking forward to getting back into work, he was hesitant about working with JJ and Emily again. The team dinner had been nice, but there was still a lot to work through in his head.

"It's like because Emily is back and we've been reinstated that it makes everything ok."

"And it doesn't."

"No...I mean...I went to her house for almost ten weeks crying over Emily and..." he noticed that Catherine suddenly looked very sad and she fiddled with ring. Spencer reached over and took her hand. "When I should have talked to you instead. It's just I trusted her and I talked with her about us and she could have told me the truth."

"She would have told you the truth, but you would have to let me keep thinking she's dead...now don't give me that look, I'm playing Devil's Advocate. She and Hotch had to lie to everyone for Emily's safety. Do I agree with it? No not really, but at the time it seemed like the best option and it kept Emily safe. However, you did trust her with your feelings and I know how it hurts to trust someone with your feelings and have them crushed. Damn hormones," Catherine muttered the last part out loud as she quickly wiped her eyes. Spencer leaned over and kissed her. He knew that he had hurt her feelings when he had gone to JJ to talk instead of being with her. It had been selfish on his part, but he didn't know how to talk to Catherine during that time.

"I just need some time to think about my friendship with JJ. I trusted her with a lot of things and it still kind of hurts."

"Just do one thing for me. Tell her that you're mad. Don't do that thing where you bottle everything up and than let it explode on whoever happens to be around," signed Catherine. Spencer knew that she was indirectly asking him to not blow up at her again the way he did a few months ago. _You didn't deserve that._ Catherine leaned against him again and Spencer let his hands rest on her baby bump and he felt Abby kick hard.

It was still hard to process that in four short weeks he would be able to meet the person who Catherine told him was now kicking her in the ribs at night. A person that he was responsible for it's being here. The phone went off again only this time it was the hospital and his mother's doctor. His mother was upset that he had told her in his latest letter that he and Catherine could not come out to Vegas and have the baby. Spencer got off the sofa and took the call in the bedroom. He had to explain to Diana that Catherine couldn't fly in her condition and that she would be able to see the baby in December.

"Mom...we want you see the baby, but in her condition she can't fly and we don't even know if and when she'll have the baby. Very few babies are born on their due date and being that this is Catherine's first pregnancy she might be late by at least two to three weeks. I promise you that we will send you pictures and I'll call you the second she's born."

"I just...I wish I could be there."

"I know mom, I know. Trust me, it's going to be fine and we're going to be ok."

"You're terrified," she told him.

"I am, but I'm really happy about this."

"I'm happy for you...just keep them safe Spencer," said his mother.

"I will. I love you mom."

"I love you too Spencer." She hung up her end and Spencer shook his head and hung up. He went back out to the living room and Catherine was trying not cry.

"He's dying and he's having flash backs about his other wives and kids...damn it," muttered Catherine. Spencer shook his head.

"Ok...enough fake history dramas for you. Let's watch something happy now...Sailor Moon," suggested Spencer. Catherine wiped her eyes and gave him a smile.

"Animated or live action?"

"You pick."

…...

Monday morning came and Spencer found he had that nervous knot in his stomach about having to deal with JJ, Emily and work again. Garcia sent him a text that they had a case and to pack a go bag. He and Catherine got off at the main station and he hugged her.

"If anything happens you text me first thing," signed Spencer.

"Yes sir." She gave him a mock salute and got on her train. Spencer sighed and got on his train. _Just take it one case at a time...one case at time...shit what if she can't get a hold of me and she goes into early labor...Garcia she's always here and if anything happens she can always reach me. I'll have to talk to her about being the second emergency contact just in case._

Spencer's mind was focused on what paperwork he would have to get and talking to Garcia that he almost froze when he saw Emily and JJ standing together outside the bull pen.

"Hey where were you this weekend, I wanted to do brunch?" asked JJ.

"I had to deal with some stuff with my mom." _Not that much of a lie._ "Have you seen Garcia?" He didn't wait for an answer and he kept walking. JJ looked at Emily stunned.

"He hates me...he would hardly talk to me during dinner on Friday and now he's avoiding me," said JJ.

"He's just busy...he's got his mom and a baby due in almost four weeks. Just let it go for right now," said Emily. She could see how hurt JJ was by how he was acting though. _First case back and it's already gonna be a long one,_ thought Emily. Garcia wasn't in the round table room just yet. Spencer was looking through the case file and Emily sat down next to him and JJ next to her. Emily couldn't help but notice that her friend seemed more on edge than usually. _Than again how would I react after being lied to for almost eight months._ Rossi and Garcia came in and she was pleading with Rossi to teach her how to cook.

"You know Rossi you could always give Penny a cooking lesson," suggested Morgan and the look on Rossi's face was priceless. _Somethings never change,_ thought Emily.

"Alright let's get started," said Hotch taking his seat while Garcia laid out that had them going to Oklahoma and a case of women being sexual assaulted and blinded with acid. Both taken from bus stops and dumped in alleys. Emily saw out of the corner of her eye Spencer giving her and JJ this look that she couldn't quite understand. Hotch told them wheels up in thirty and they started to leave the round table room.

"Garcia can I talk to you for second?" asked Spencer. Emily hung back to hear Spencer ask Garcia if she would be Catherine's second emergency contact.

"Why me?" asked Garcia.

"You're here 90 percent of the time and if I'm not and if anything happens I know Catherine can get a hold of you and you can reach me. Plus you know ASL and can translate for her if no one else is around. I'm just making sure my bases are covered if anything happens and I'm on a case."

"Wow you are such a dad already. Fear not boy genesis I will get the paper work needed and filled out by the time you get back from dealing with this nut case." Emily was outside the door when he finished talking with Garcia and she gave him a small smile.

"You know if anything does happen you might have to fight Garcia be allowed in the delivery room." Spencer just shook his head and went to get his go bag. _Oh this is going to be a long one._

…...

The ride to the abduction site was quiet and it made JJ nervous, Spencer didn't even try to fight with her about her taking the keys for the car. He just got in the passenger seat and started looking at maps of the area.

"So...I was going through some of Henry's old things and I still have some of his newborn clothes like oneies and sleepers. If you want I could wash them and you and Cat could use them, at that age no one really knows the difference anyway and plus it's just wash and wear."

"You wanna turn left at the next light and than we can park and walk to the abduction site."

"Ok," said JJ and she merged into the correct lane. "So, how's your mom?"

"What?" asked Spencer looking up from the map.

"Oh you said you had some stuff to deal with about your mom. She's still ok?" JJ hated to think how he would be if his mother slipped out of remission.

"She's fine," said Spencer folding up the map. JJ sighed and parked the car, he was just putting up a wall and it sort of hurt. _Will and Catherine must have felt this way, anytime they tried to talk to us they got slammed with a brick wall. Just tough it out JJ._ They got out of the car and started walking.

"So Beth got off the bus here and headed north," said Spencer. JJ looked around and it was a high traffic area near several stores and a cafe.

"It's amazing no one witnessed her abduction," said JJ. _Did the Un-sub blend in, another student, someone clearly non threatening, _thought JJ.

"Emily was buried six feet under and wound up in Paris so I guess anything is possible." It was out of his mouth before he realized it and he wasn't sorry it was said. JJ was stunned, but it just proved that she was right he was mad at her and he clearly didn't want to talk about it.

"So that is what this is about?" she asked trying to talk to him.

"You know maybe our Un-sub is a bit like Bundy and he feints an injury so she helps him..."

"Spence if you want to talk about this..."

"Or maybe he went with a different tactic like 'Hey you're really pretty, you could be a model. Let me take your photo!'" The wall was now firmly in place and JJ was now stuck trying to find a way around it.

"I will take that as a no."

"Either one would disarm her."

"Charm is quite the killer," said JJ.

"So are tears." It was almost like being slapped in the face. Yes she had cried with him, she missed Emily too and she didn't know if she would ever be allowed to come home again. Watching her friends suffer had been a walking nightmare that she was powerless to stop was heartbreaking.

"Any one of those would have got her into his car," said Spencer. JJ sighed and looked back the way they had come.

"Well Abby was seen at a bus stop a few miles from here and that would mean he has transportation," said JJ trying to stay focused.

"Hopefully the disposal site will tell us more," he said and walked away. _Well I found the wall and now have a bloody nose to show for it,_ thought JJ watching him walk away.

…...

Spencer didn't know why he just couldn't come out and tell JJ he was mad at her. It was getting on his nerves how she acted like there was nothing wrong between them. He told her almost everything about his life and he wondered if he knew her at all. How could she look him in the eyes, cry with him when she knew the truth? He knew a part of him was being hypocritical, considering he had lied to Catherine...well omitted the truth. He never told her about the Anthrax scare, but for the most part if she asked about his day he told her the truth. He spent years not telling Catherine the truth about things and one of the promises he had made to her after he got clean was to never lie to her again.

He had withheld the truth at times until he was ready to tell it, but the fact of the matter was he told the truth. JJ had lied to his face for months while he told her his darkest secrets. _She was watching me fall apart...how far would she let me fall to keep Emily's secret? Catherine was ready to throw in the towel, I felt absolute nothing for the pregnancy and was half tempted to get a bottle of __Dulaudid just to have a reason to feel numb. _JJ was driving and she didn't try to start idle chatter with him again. She spoke to him when Hotch called asking them to check out where the Un-sub would have gotten the clothes to redress his victims in. Other than talk about the case they said nothing to each other and Spencer had nothing to say to her

…...

Tuesday was fruitless has the retraced the steps of the last two victims and tried to track down information on the other two prior victims Garcia had found. JJ and Spencer only spoke to each other about the case and to call it speaking was an overstatement. By Wednesday they still had nothing much to go on and Thursday proved no better. The only saving grace in Spencer's mind was when Hotch told them to call it an early night on Thursday and Spencer got to Skype with Catherine.

"So it's one of those slow cases?" asked Catherine. She was sitting in their bedroom wearing a black hoodie and her hair pulled back in a ponytail.

"We just can't seem to find anything linking the victims together. We tried going to other thrift stores to see if anyone matching the vague description we got from the first shop owner triggered anything, but it was a waste of time. Are you ok?" He watched as Catherine tried to shift herself into a more comfortable position on the bed and sort of wince.

"Ok, don't freak out. I went to Dr. Garmin this morning because I thought I was having labor pain. Turns out it was just some false labor pains and it's perfectly normal, but I went to the doctor just in case and he told me to try and relax and drink lots of fluid so we're good now. Other than Abby resting in my ribs we're good. I would ask if you're ok but I can tell by looking at you that you're not so other than this case is something else bugging you?"

"One of the girls he killed...her name was Abby and it's just...it's bugging me a little. I don't know why...it just is. I'm trying to separate this Abby from our Abby and it's not working right now." He didn't add that he was still annoyed with JJ and having to work with her for almost thirteen hours straight with almost no breaks for the past four days was starting to get to him. He just couldn't seem to catch a mental break and it was causing one of those headaches.

"If I told you that your Abby is here and she's safe would that make it any better?" asked Catherine.

"I'll feel better when I get this guy and I get to come home," signed Spencer. "You should try and get some sleep."

"Try being the key word...I love you."

"I love you too." Catherine logged off and Spencer popped two Tylenol for his headache and tried to get some sleep, hoping that they got some sort of clue.

Friday was when things went from bad to worst.It started with the discovery of the newest victim. Hotch sent him, Rossi and JJ to the newest dump site to look over the body.

"Again he's dumping in an area frequented by homeless people," said Rossi. Spencer did the math quickly in his head and realized how close this was to the other dump sites and made note of it out loud. JJ bent down and touched the dead girl's face. Unlike the other two victims she had the chemical burns on her mouth, instead of her eyes or nose.

"He burned her tongue this time," said JJ.

"So he took away her ability to taste," said Rossi studying the girl.

"But why would he do that?" asked Detective Bonner.

"Historically this type of torture was to prevent someone from reviling a secret," said Spencer. JJ stood up and tried to keep her cool.

"Maybe she offended him," suggested JJ.

"Wonder what that's like," muttered Spencer coolly and JJ felt like she had been slapped. Rossi had watched JJ and Spencer dance around each other for days and he really wasn't in the mood for it.

"Her lips are extremely chapped," said Rossi calling their attention back to the victim.

"She might have been forced to take part in some sort of kissing fantasy," said Spencer.

"So when things go awry he takes the offending sense way," said JJ. _Keep it together...focus on the case,_ thought JJ. She had seen this attitude from him in the past when he was on the drugs, but she knew there was no way he would start taking those again. Not with what he had to lose now. _So he's a mean sober person that makes everything better._

"The torture and these clothes means the 80's are essential to his delusion," said Spencer.

"Maybe that's when this rejection occurred and he held on to the clothes all these years," said Rossi.

"And now he's attacking girls that remind him of that first rejection," said JJ.

"He's fixated on her type and remakes them to fit his needs," said Spencer. _It's something to go on,_ thought Spencer.

"But why start now?" asked Bonner.

"Something probability triggered it and instead of dealing with it he's acting out," said JJ looking at Spencer. Over the past few days JJ had told herself it was like dealing with a Henry when he was upset and he just couldn't put into words why he was upset. _Only difference is it's a twenty nine year old man who just won't use his words in a constructive fashion. _Spencer barely looked at her before heading back to the car.

"You know all you have to do is smack him upside the head and maybe knock some sense into him," said Rossi when Bonner was out of ear shot.

"He just...I never seen him like this before and it hurts," admitted JJ.

"I hate to tell you this, but you just might have to tackle this head on. Trying to be nice with him hasn't gotten you anywhere. I'm normally against poking bears, but this bear needs to be poked," said Rossi and they headed back to the car.

"Besides...think of what his wife puts up with," whispered Rossi.

"I say we nominate her for sainthood now," whispered JJ.

…...

_ She's right you know you're not dealing with it. You're hiding how you really feel behind smart ass snarky comments over a dead girl. How old are we again and what is our IQ? _Spencer sat alone in the back. They drove back to the station and called Hotch to let him now they were ready to give the profile. They gave the police a profile of a homeless man in his late 40's that was reacting badly to a rejection from a woman when he was a teenager and that the girls he had killed were just surrogates for the person he really wanted. They wrapped up the profile and Bonner started giving her officers their assignments and Spencer headed back into the conference room they had been using to look over some new files when JJ followed him_._

"Spence...look we got to talk to about this."

"Talk about what?" _Now really you want to do this now?_

"I get it ok, you're disappointed in the way we handled Emily.."

"I have a lot going on right now!" _ I have a wife at home that is thirty four weeks pregnant, a mother in a mental hospital, and an Un-sub that rapes and kills teenaged girls with acid so really dealing with you right now is the last thing I want to deal with,_ thought Spencer as he turned to leave.

"You know what I think it is?" Spencer stopped and turned around. _All right JJ let's hear it._ "You're mad that Hotch and I controlled our micro expressions at the hospital and you weren't able to detect our deception!"

It was like being slapped in the face for Spencer. Did she really think that was what he was mad about?

"You really think this is about my profiling skills?" JJ shrugged and gave him this look like she couldn't figure out what else was pissing him off.

"Jennifer...listen the only reason you were able to manage my perceptions is because I _trusted_ you. I came over to your house for ten weeks in a row crying over losing a friend and not once did you have the decency to tell me the truth! When I told you everything in my life...things I didn't even share with Catherine at that time and you just sat there lying to me."

"I couldn't," said JJ softly.

"You couldn't or your wouldn't!" snapped Spencer.

"No I couldn't!" she snapped back.

"What if I had started taking Dulaudid again would you have let me?" _How far were you willing to go with this lie?_

"But you didn't," countered JJ.

"I thought about it!" He turned to leave and she called out to him.

"Spence..." he turned around and glared at her. She was willing to let his life go to hell in a hand basket and not help him to keep Emily's secret. "I'm sorry." She looked near tears and than he thought about all the times he had gone to her over Catherine because of how much he trusted her to be his friend and how much it had hurt Catherine and drove her to tears. _It was an affair...physically we never did anything, but emotionally I cheated on my wife with you and I trusted you. _

"It's too late alright!" he snapped and walked away.

"Reid!" called Emily. Spencer tossed the files on a desk and he walked out of the station.

…_... _

JJ had to fight back tears. During those three months when Spencer came to her instead of Catherine and than JJ would be either dump everything on Will or shut him out. One night though, about seven weeks into it, when Catherine had left Will told her he couldn't deal anymore.

_ "You're cheating on me with Spencer."_

_ "Will, we're right here in the house with Henry!" _

_ "It's not a physical affair Jennifer! Emotionally you two are having an affair!"_

_ "What! That is ridiculous."_

_ "Is it? I can't remember the last time you asked me how my day was or wanted to talk to me about your day or hell talk to me about anything." JJ looked down at the ground, he was right and she didn't know what to do._

_ "I know you think Catherine is a terrible person right now for dropping his ass, but I don't blame her. Maybe he needs a good kick in the ass from his wife to remember that he has one and maybe...just maybe she would like to talk to him too."_

_ "What do you want me to do Will? I'm his best friend and he has no one else right now."_

_ "His pregnant wife is living in Virginia with one of her students according to what was said tonight at dinner and that if he had any brains at all he would try to get her back. I just...I know how she feels right now and it hurts."_

_ "Oh and how does she feel?" snapped JJ._

_ "Like an afterthought! Like I'm just in your way and not important at all. It hurts...it hurts to know how replaceable I am."_

_ "You're not," said JJ softly. _

_ "What did I do today?" asked Will. JJ was drawing a blank. "I told you while we were making dinner. I can tell you what you did today. You had a meeting with your boss about trying out some new recruitment techniques and than you booked your tickets for your overseas trip in three weeks and that your going to London first and than Paris to discuss terror organizations and social media groups. Now what did I do today?" _

_ "I don't...I'm sorry." Will just shook his head and headed to his room down in the basement. _

_ "It doesn't have to be sex to be an affair JJ and you just proved my point." He shut his door hard, but not too hard since he didn't want to wake up Henry. JJ sat down at her kitchen table and cried. She wished she could tell someone the truth just so she wouldn't have to feel like she was cheating on everyone in her life. _

"JJ?" asked Emily. JJ saw the rest of the team staring at her and she walked quickly to the bathroom and shut herself into stall to cry. It was only a few minutes later when someone knocked on the stall.

"JJ," said Emily softly. "Can we talk?" JJ grabbed some toilet paper and wiped her eyes. She opened the stall door and frowned at Emily. She walked over to the sink to wash her face since her make up had started to run.

"Water proof my ass," muttered JJ.

"What happened between you and Reid?" asked Emily. JJ threw her hands up in the air and looked at Emily.

"You know when Catherine left Reid I thought she was being kind of a bitch, but now...if that was what she was putting up I don't blame her. He is impossible to deal with or talk to when he's like this."

"Ok hold on...Catherine left Reid...when?" asked Emily stunned. She was still being filled in on what happened when she was gone and that was a detail everyone glossed over. JJ sighed.

"God Emily...it was...everyone was really messed up after you 'died'. Reid...he took it really hard and he just shut himself away from her and well I guess he was acting this way with her too and she told him she wasn't going to deal with his bullshit and she left him for almost three weeks." Emily had never felt more like shit. She had lied to all her friends and nearly ruined one of their marriages.

"He just...he blamed himself for not seeing how you were struggling and they were all messed up. I knew they would be upset with me and Hotch, but the way he is acting is unreasonable and I think Rossi was right about smacking him upside the head," said JJ. Emily sighed.

"JJ, I am so sorry that you had to deal with this mess when it was my fault. Had I just told them the truth about Doyle none of this would have happened," said Emily.

"I just don't know what to do with Spence. I mean does he have any idea how shitty it was to see him hurting and not be able to tell him or Will or anyone the truth?"

"I know how you feel," said Emily. Emily reached over and hugged JJ.

"Can I just have you kick his ass and call it a day?" Emily had to laugh.

"Come on...let's finish this one and than we'll handle the Doctor problem."

…...

Spencer had walked almost two blocks from the police station when Morgan finally caught up to him.

"So you mind sharing with the class what that outburst was about?"

"How could she look us in the eyes for almost eight months and lie? I trusted her and not once did she tell me the truth!"

"I know how you feel...I...I was so pissed when Emily took off to confront Doyle on her own. I felt like I didn't know her at all when she did that. You and JJ have been close for years and to find out that she was lying to you. I know how it hurts, but don't let the hurt feelings ruin the good parts," said Morgan.

"I just...I don't think...if you saw one of your friends really hurting would you keep lying to that friend to protect another friend? I confided everything to JJ and she knew the whole time...and so did Hotch. They could have told us the truth instead of letting us suffer all those months. We would have kept it a secret," said Spencer.

"I know and there is a part of me that is still mad about that, but you are missing one key detail. We got Emily back and while it wasn't handled in the best way...I'm happy to have her back."

"I am too...it's just...it's still really hard to process that she's back after we buried her and started to...I don't know move on in some fashion and now she's here and so is JJ and while I'm happy to have them back, but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to deal with all the other stuff about her coming back. JJ actually thought it was about my profiling skills, she thought I was mad about not being able to see she was lying. I'm mad that she knew me well enough to be able to lie to me like that," admitted Spencer.

"Well considering part of her job was 'lying' to the press I guess she got really good at it. Just think about what I said ok. I know how pissed you are now, but don't let it ruin everything. It's ok to be mad, but know when to bring it to a close. You need a few more minutes, Hotch wants to try and work out some more details for the profile."

"Yeah...just give me another ten minutes," said Spencer. Morgan left and Spencer sat down on a bench to collect this thoughts. He looked across the street to where a group of clearly homeless people were gathered and begging. People kept walking by them and ignoring them. _Out Un-sub might be homeless, but he doesn't scare people away and he is good with chemicals and has a car. He must have a job that gives him access to the chemicals and appears so harmless that people are willing to stop for him...that's it,_ thought Spencer and he headed back to the police station to bounce this idea off the rest of team. He walked back and noticed that JJ wouldn't look at him and her eyes were pink and she wouldn't look at him directly. Spencer let the team in on his idea and it got on quickly. Hotch divided them into teams to check on homeless shelters and told him and JJ to look into VICAP to see if there were any similar cases in the state or country. They headed out and JJ almost ran from the room.

"Reid, can I talk to you? If you want to be mad at somebody be mad at me," said Hotch.

"I can't I didn't come to your house crying for ten weeks," said Spencer and he went to go run the VICAP search.

…...

Friday night disappeared into Saturday morning and so far VICAP was turning nothing up. Saturday morning did turn up something else though, another missing teenage girl. Her name was Tammy Bradstone and she disappeared from a Homecoming After Party that was right in the Un-Sub's comfort zone. Morgan and Emily went to talk to the parents while he and Rossi went to the hotel to check things out.

"All the rooms on the west side were booked for the party," said Spencer.

"So all the kids were here and the party spilled outside and towards their cars. So if Tammy walked this way how could she disappear with no one seeing her?" asked Rossi.

"Someone would have heard her scream," said Spencer.

"Only if she screamed. Maybe she knew the Un-sub."

"Or thought she did. What if Tammy was the target all along. It would explain the change in the MO...she wouldn't have thought about getting into a car with someone she knew."

"So whoever did this knew she would be here," said Rossi.

"We should see what Morgan and Emily have learned from her family," said Spencer. The two headed back to the car and he got a text from Catherine.

_How goes the case?_ _Just finished a whole box of Cocoa Puffs, watching Sherlock Holmes and missing you. _ Despite the serious nature of what was going on he couldn't help but smile a little bit.

"I take it the missus is 'calling'."

"She's just checking in." He would text her later when things had settled. They drove in silence for awhile and than Rossi spoke up again.

"It's ok to be angry about what happened...you trusted your friends and it bit you in the ass. Sometimes it takes a while to get that trust back and it should be on your own terms." Spencer nodded and they parked outside the Bradstone home.

Morgan and Emily had finished talking to Tammy's parents and things were falling into place once Morgan filled them in. Tammy's uncle, Cy had a thing for Tammy's mother Lyla and she had rejected him in the past and married his brother. Unfortunately for Tammy she was the same age as her mother when the rejection occurred, had recently dyed her hair blond and wore the same dress her mother had wore in high school. He couldn't get the mother, so he went for the next best thing-her daughter.

Lyla had left a message for Cy at a coffee house he visited and they were waiting for him to call since they had no idea where he was. The call came and it was painful to watch Lyla pretend to care about Cy and ask him to come over since they 'arrested' his brother for Tammy's kidnapping. Morgan and Rossi went to watch the front of the house for Cy leaving him and Emily alone. Emily looked around for a few moments before speaking.

"I'm going to talk to Lyla," she said and headed towards the bedrooms. Matt walked over to wall that had baby pictures of Tammy and her younger brother.

"He...he wouldn't hurt her. She's family...he got to hold her after we brought her home from the hospital. He and Tammy play ball in the backyard all the time and she's always stuck up for him when people would be mean to him," said Matt more to himself than to Spencer. "She's my baby...when I saw her last night, I couldn't help but think about what an amazing, beautiful person she's become. Do you have kids?" asked Matt speaking directly to Spencer.

"My...my first is due next month." Before Spencer could say anything else they heard a car outside. Lyla marched past them and out side to where Cy was waiting. They watched out the window as Cy embraced Lyla tightly with a smile on his face. Spencer could see from her posture that it was taking every ounce of willpower to not shove him off. Morgan and Rossi came and arrested Cy.

"WHAT DID YOU DO LYLA?" screamed Cy looking at her with a mixture of rage and heartbreak. Matt came outside and Cy glared at him and Morgan took him over to the police car and shoved him in. Lyla turned to Matt to hug him and he hugged her back, but you could tell it was out of reflex not for comfort.

"I need to speak with him," said Matt.

"We can take you both to the station," said Emily coming up to them. Lyla nodded. She went back in the house and took her son over to the neighbors. When she came back she and Matt got into the back of the SUV. Emily drove and through the rear view mirror, you could see how they were already pulling away from each other.

…...

JJ got the Bradstone's some coffee when they got to the station. Lyla sat there for a few minutes and than got up and went outside. Matt held his cup and looked down at the floor. Spencer stayed with him.

"You...you said back at the house you were going to have your first...do you know what it is?"

"It's a girl," said Spencer. Matt nodded and looked back at his coffee.

"I just...those other girls were Tammy's age and to think that their parents suffered this way...the not knowing and..." Before Matt could go on Rossi came up to them.

"Mr. Bradstone, your brother would like to talk to you."  
>"Has he told you about Tammy yet?" asked Matt trying to stay calm.<p>

"He wants to tell you," said Rossi. It was the only way they could save Tammy's life and they knew it, but Matt turned to Spencer pleading.

"I don't think I can."

"She's your daughter and you need to know what happened to her," said Spencer. Matt nodded and followed Rossi to the back. Spencer trailed behind them and than went into the viewing room. Matt sat down and tried to keep calm.

"Cy...where's Tammy?" Cy was looking down at the table with a far away smile on his face and Matt snapped. "Hey! What did you do with my daughter!" Cy got this twisted smile on his face and started talking about his love for Lyla and how seeing Tammy reminded him of those feelings.

"Just tell me where she is," pleaded Matt.

"I took her...we did things," admitted Cy and Matt looked like his heart had been ripped out of his chest. Cy told them that Tammy had been ok until she told him that her mother didn't like touching him.

"What did you do Cy?" asked Matt fighting to stay calm.

"I made it so she couldn't feel either! She screamed so loud, but no one could hear her," taunted Cy.

"Where do you have her?" asked Rossi.

"Where I told him about my love for Lyla!" cried Cy.

"You never told me," said Matt.

"Yes I did! I did! I did! You thought I was lying and than you married my girl!"

"So this is what you do Cy! Why didn't you just hurt me!"

"And take away your senses Matt? The last one is hearing...if I did that you wouldn't be able to listen to what I did to her." Matt pushed his chair back and lunged at Cy.

"You taped my daughter you son of bitch!" Hotch and Rossi had to hold him back while Cy taunted him. Matt pushed them away and Spencer came out of the viewing room to see if Matt could remember the place.

"She...she's... god she my baby!" cried Matt and he fell to floor. Spencer bent down next to him.

"You can still save her. Do you remember where Cy told you...some place you went to when you were kids?" asked Spencer.

"There was an old cabin thing just outside of town on Route 5. We played there all the time." Rossi came up behind them and heard what Matt had told Spencer.

"We'll get someone over there right away." Rossi turned and went to tell the others.

"He...we're family...how could he do this to our family?" asked Matt.

"The thing you need to remember right now is that Tammy, Lyla and Brice still love you and they're going to need you to be there for them. I know you're upset with Lyla...for not telling you the truth...and you might not ever understand why she lied...but you're still family," said Spencer. He really didn't know who he was talking to: Matt or himself.

"Matt," called Lyla. She was standing next to JJ crying. Matt stood up and went over to his wife and hugged her tightly. Ten minutes later Morgan called to say they found Tammy, her hands burnt by acid was still alive. The police took the Bradstone's to hospital to see their daughter. Spencer looked at JJ and she looked back at him and neither one of them knew what to say.

…...

It was early that evening when they boarded the jet to go home. Spencer took a seat near the back so he could sit alone to read and to think. He sent Catherine a text that he would be home tonight.

_Good...I need someone here to tell me that breakfast cereal is not for dinner...by the way I'm eating Peanut Butter Crunch for dinner. ^-^ _Spencer just shook his head and pulled out a very battered copy of Grimm's Fairy Tales to read over. It had been years since he read it and his mother had sent it to him a few weeks ago. He could vaguely remember her reading this to him when he was a child. _Just think with your kid you won't need a book, you can just recite the thing from memory._ Almost everyone had drifted off too sleep and Spencer found himself more staring at the pages than reading them. He saw her out of the corner of his eye and for a second he had to remind himself that yes she was really here and she wasn't a dream. Emily sat down across from him.

"So the surgeon thinks he might be able to restore feeling in Tammy's hands." Spencer still felt for the girl who didn't do anything wrong other than look like her mother. She was going to have a long road ahead of her.

"Good. We got there in time." He went back to the book and pretended to read it.

"I heard Mr. Bradstone wants to watch the tape," said Emily sadly. Cy had taped all his crimes to keep has trophies. Hours of his ramblings blended together with the rape, torture and murder of five women and the attack on his niece. Spencer nodded.

"People have an innate curiosity to see things to confirm that they're true." _I wanted to see your body because I couldn't believe you were dead...I had to see an ultrasound to feel a connection to my child._

"Well that explains why I'm going to Rossi's tomorrow night. I wanna see if he really can cook." She let out a small laugh and it was still so odd to him to really be sitting here with his friend. "You coming? Get Catherine out of the house one more time before she pops."

" I don't know...I'm not so sure we can make it_._" He had been away from home for almost a week and he wanted to spend some alone time with Catherine. Plus he still wasn't sure about his own feelings towards Emily and JJ. They were family, he would never understand why they did the things they did, but a part of him would always love and care about them.

"Look Reid," Spencer looked up from his book and Emily felt her heart break a little for the pain she had caused all of them. "I know your mad at us, because we didn't tell you what really happened and I understand that. But, I promise you we had no choice." She sounded so broken he wanted to reach out and hug her, but he didn't know how.

"You mourned the lost of a friend...I mourned the lost of my whole family. I missed you all so much and I know nothing I can say or do will make up for how much I hurt all of you. I missed Seaver graduating, I missed Garcia finally taking a chance with Kevin...I missed out on see how happy you and Catherine were to become parents. This whole thing gave me an ulcer...and I know what it almost did to you. I am asking you though to not give me another ulcer." Spencer couldn't help but smile at little at that remark.

"Are you gonna come to Rossi's tomorrow night?"

"We'll see." Emily nodded and she got up and went to her seat. She knew that gaining his trust back would be hard, just like getting Morgan's friendship back would be hard. _I have to do this though...I miss them._

…...

"So over the course of a week...you ate all this cereal?" asked Spencer. The recycling bin had five empty boxes. Catherine shrugged.

"It's my version of last call. In eight months I haven't drank, gave up caffeine, gave up sushi and the ability to tie my own shoes while bent over. Sugar cereal is all I have left."

"I promise the day after you have her I will buy you the biggest cup of coffee you can have," signed Spencer sitting down.

"It was bad case wasn't it?" asked Catherine.

"On a scale of one to ten, I think it was about a twelve." Catherine nodded and put her head on his shoulder. He would talk about it when he was ready, which was ten minutes later.

"I got in a fight with JJ...I was just mad at her I blew up at the police station in front of everyone."

"Do you feel any better?" asked Catherine.

"A little. I mean she actually thought I was made because I didn't know her and Hotch had lied at the hospital. I was mad because she lied to me...I just I don't know if I can ever fully trust her again. But...we're still a team and a family in a way."

"At least you were honest with her. So now you have a choice if you want to stay friends or not."

"They're having dinner tomorrow night at Rossi's...you want to go?"

"I'm supposed to have dinner tomorrow with some of the other language teachers. You can go though without me though." Spencer looked down and Catherine elbowed him. "Hey...I'm going out with my friends for what could be the last time before I pop and I think you should too. You miss them and it's not going to get any better unless you want it to be better."

"Where did all this wisdom come from?"

"I got it when you knocked me up. It's a magically mom ability," teased Catherine. Spencer shook his head and smiled.

"I love you and I missed you." Catherine leaned against him and she put his hands on her stomach. He felt Abby kick against his hand and he pushed back. He couldn't help but smile feeling her move. It didn't freak him out so much now.

…...

Spencer dropped Catherine off at the restaurant where she was meeting her friends for dinner before making the drive to Rossi's home. He parked the car and sat there for a few minutes working up the nerve to go inside. He could have told JJ in a different fashion that he was mad at her, but he wasn't sorry that he told her the truth about his feelings. Spencer got out of the car, went up to the front door and knocked. Morgan opened the door.

"Well, well, well look who's late for a change."

"Funny, you guys start yet?" asked Spencer.

"No, come on I'm starving," said Morgan. Spencer followed Morgan towards the kitchen and he saw JJ look at him nervously.

"Sorry I'm late."

"Yeah and this is why I cook alone," muttered Rossi mixing the pasta. JJ looked at him and rolled her eyes about Rossi. He gave her a small smile which she returned.

"So when do we get to drink the wine?" asked Emily pouring a glass for Spencer.

"In a minute...we start at the beginning. You eat what you cook and I'll supervisor. But, we're going to do this all together like a family," said Rossi.

"Ok now?" asked JJ holding up her glass.

"Now," said Rossi. They toasted other each and drank.

"Where's my kitty?" asked Garcia cutting up her onions.

"She went out with some of the other teacher for dinner," said Spencer finishing up his onions.

"Oh so we're not good enough," teased JJ.

"Considering we have to cook pork you don't want Catherine here," said Spencer.

"Did she have a traumatic experience with a pig when she was child?" asked Emily.

"She a traumatic experience with bacon five months ago. I wanted to make breakfast and so I was making French Toast and bacon. She got up, came into the kitchen and than ran into the bathroom and well...I had to throw the bacon out. Open every window in the apartment and spray the place with Febreeze. So there has been no bacon, no sausage, no fried pork of any kind since that happened. They say that at least 30 percent of women will have a change in taste once they become pregnant and that over 40 percent of women in the first trimester reported having an increased sensitivity to smell."

"Popcorn...I hated popcorn," said JJ getting the water ready to boil.

"Haley hated eggs, tuna, my shaving cream...the list goes on," said Hotch.

"Trying to eat here," said Morgan.

"Well considering Morgan burnt his onions it's a good thing she's not here," said Rossi opening another window.

"That pan was hot," said Morgan.

"Just like you," teased Garcia. They all finished cooking their dinners and sat down to eat.

"Hey Spence...I...I'm..." whispered JJ and Spencer cut her off.

"It's ok," whispered Spencer, he didn't need her to say sorry.

"Hey what are you two being all sneaky about?" asked Morgan.

"JJ wanted to know if I wanted any of Henry's infant clothing since it won't matter what Abby wears when we bring her home."

"Abby?" asked Emily.

"We um...we decided to name her Abigail," said Spencer.

"Oh that's pretty," said Garcia.

"Thanks," said Spencer finishing his dinner, Emily finished hers and they went into the kitchen to start doing dishes.

"So do you mind asking what her full name is going to be?" she handed him some dishes to rinse.

"We decided...months ago to name her Abigail Emily Reid," said Spencer. Emily felt herself tear up for a second. They had planned to honor her memory with their daughter's name.

"If it bothers you, we can change her middle name." He hated seeing how sadly Emily looked in that second.

"No...don't. It's a really pretty name." They finished up dishes. "I'm really glad you came tonight."

"Me too," admitted Spencer.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Mahatma Gandhi

Ep's used- Proof. Great episode and creepy as hell.

Notes-Sailor Moon does have a Live Action version and it is hilarious.


	57. Chapter three part sixteen

Chapter three part sixteen

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside. Rita Rudner

"So he finally figured out how you were kicking his ass," teased Catherine. Spencer shook his head. They had a football pool going on at work and for the past several weeks, by breaking down the scoring strategy of each team he had won over three hundred dollars. Morgan had not been amused and wouldn't let him play anymore.

"He's just jealous. I even tried telling him that it was for Abby's college fund and he still kicked me out." Catherine smirked.

"Oh well, once basketball starts up maybe he'll let you play again." Catherine got up and went to start doing dishes and she felt Abby kick her and Catherine rubbed her stomach. They still had two more weeks before the baby was due and while she loved her baby, she really wished the kicking would ease up. Spencer came into the kitchen to help her, he knew that she was feeling a little run down. They had just come back from the first show the club had put on and it had turned out amazing well. It had been hours of work on her and Kyle's part, but it had been worth it, he could see how happy Catherine was watching them.

"Go sit down I'll do these," signed Spencer. Catherine gave him a tired smile and she kissed him on the cheek. He finished them and found Catherine putting away the clothes JJ had sent home with him. He stood there watching her fold the clothes and than he watched her wince slightly and rub her midsection.

"You ok?" he asked. Catherine put his hands on stomach and felt how hard she was kicking her.

"She's just really at it today. I cheated today and let the kids have movie day. In almost six years of cheating I have only done movie days once or twice a year and now I've done it three times in a semester. I am really slacking off as a teacher."

"You are nine months pregnant and just worked with thirty kids putting together an hour long music program even with help that's a lot of work so if you want to slack off and have a movie day than so be it. It's not like you're showing them movies every week." Spencer felt the baby kick again and it caused Catherine to wince again. He rubbed her stomach trying to calm the baby down.

"She likes your voice. She's always more active at night and when your home." Catherine said softly. Spencer smiled, she had been talking out loud to the baby when they were home together for months and he shook his head.

"She calms down when she hears you. She hears you more than me so it's soothing to her," signed Spencer feeling the kicking ease up. Catherine hugged him.

"Come on, it's your turn to read to her." They headed into the bedroom and Catherine laid down and ten minutes into The Hungry Games, Catherine was asleep and Spencer marked his place and fell asleep next to her.

…...

The next morning he got the call to pack his go bag and come into work. Spencer sighed, he was going to request that after this to not leave town until Catherine had the baby. He wanted to make sure that he was in town just in case. He knew that Garcia would call him if he needed to come home, but he didn't want to take the chance that he might miss something.

"I love you," signed Catherine.

"I love you too and I'll see you in a few days," signed Spencer. She smiled at him and he made sure she caught her train before getting on his. _Two weeks...just two more weeks._

Catherine took her seat on the train and took a deep breath, the kicking had started up again and her lower back was starting to bother her. She was half tempted to ask him if he could ask Hotch to sit this case out. _Stop being a baby, everything is fine and we have two weeks to go yet._

…...

They were heading to Boise this time, it was the ten year anniversary of a school shooting and the Un-sub just killed the Principal who had saved the lives of some of the students at the school. The Un-sub killed him by copying a bomb design used by the original school shooter Randy Slade. He and JJ headed to the house of Principal Doug Givins.

The Un-sub was smart, he put the bomb in a clock radio and than shot Givins in his home. When he called 911 it set off the bomb that kill him. They entered the bedroom where the bomb had gone off. Blood and the smell of explosives were overwhelming.

"Ok so the Un-sub has to be tied to the school somehow," said JJ studying the burnt out room. Spencer noticed that nails were embedded into the wall, it was a detail that Slade used in his bombs. _Because being blown up doesn't hurt enough._

"It could be a Slade groupie copying his hero," said Spencer pointing out the nails to JJ.

"But he tricked Givins into blowing himself up, I don't think a groupie would show that much self control," said JJ.

"Maybe someone with an ax to grind against the school. Maybe Givins was a surrogate for the tormenters he couldn't punish. Who were yours?" asked Spencer.

"I don't even remember."

"You don't remember...wait were you one of the mean girls?" JJ turned around stunned, they were still trying to find that friendship balance again.

"No."

"Valedictorian, soccer scholarship, corn fed, but still a size zero...I think you were one of the mean girls," teased Spencer and JJ let out a laugh.

"I will have you know that I was one of the nice ones, even to guys like you."

"I will have you know that my social standing improved my senior year when I started winning at basketball." JJ looked at him stunned.

"You played basketball." The thought of twelve year old Spencer Reid making free throws amused her.

"I didn't play it I coached it. I broke down the opposing team's shooting strategy." JJ got this knowing look on her face.

"This is why Morgan kicked you out of the pool."

"Took him three rounds to realize I was hustling him," said Spencer with a grin.

"He was not amused and swore he would get you back," said JJ.

"I'm shaking in my sneakers. I went to a public school in Las Vegas and endured pranks and tormenting from the finest. What's Morgan going to do to me?"

…...

"If any of you have any further background questions please call me at 702-555-0103," said Morgan. It was all he could do not to smirk. _Cheat me out of three hundred bucks, I'll show you Doctor._

"What's your name?" called one reporters.

"It's Dr. Spencer Reid. R.E.I.D," said Morgan and they headed into the house.

"You know his wife is due in two weeks and if she can't get a hold of him she's going to beat your ass."

"Yeah I'm scared of a 5'4 pregnant Deaf lady. She shouldn't have let her husband cheat me out of 300 dollars," said Morgan and they walked into the house.

…...

The phone calls started while he and JJ were on their way to the next crime. They had gotten a call from a detective that one of the school's alumni had been killed in her hotel room. It wasn't a bomb this time, the Un-sub had beaten the young woman to death. JJ was driving and his phone rang.

"Hello."

"Hi, Dr. Reid. This is Lisa Morrisin and I'm with the Boise Insider. I was wondering if you could give us some more background information on Slade and how his background is different than other school shooters."

"Um...not at this time. I can get back to you later," said Spencer and he was confused how she got his number. He got off the phone with her and not even fifteen seconds later it rang again. It was another reporter asking for information on the case. By the time they got the hotel he had gotten at least seven more calls.

"Well aren't we Mr. Popular," teased JJ.

"I don't know how they got my number." He let the rest of the calls go to voice mail while they worked the hotel room. By the time they were done, he had over ten missed calls from numbers he didn't recognize and from area codes from New York to California. _What the hell is going on? _

…...

"Mrs. Reid are you ok?" asked Shawn. Catherine leaned against her desk.

"When I asked if you had any questions it was about the assignment not me. I'm fine, she's just misbehaving today."

The bell light went off and Catherine sent them on their way. She waited until they all left and she fell into a chair and rubbed her back. Her back had been killing her all day and it showed no signs of letting up. She had one more class to get through and than a faculty meeting at eight and than she could go home and rest. _God it's only Wednesday. _ Her senior Japanese class came in and Catherine forced herself up and they worked their way through some Kanji and how to count the number of strokes so they could find the word in a Kanji dictionary. She divided them into pairs and gave them a sheet of Kanji and a dictionary to work through.

"I want the English translations by the end of class." Catherine eased herself back into her chair and the students were giving her this look that she couldn't make out.

"You have a question?" asked Catherine when Jamie and Ricky came up to her desk.

"Mrs. Reid are you ok?" asked Ricky.

"I'm fine, everything is ok. She just really kicking a lot today and I'm just having those typical aches and pains that happen when you're this far in."

"You are a woman warrior!" signed Jamie and she hugged her. Ricky just looked confused and went back to his desk.

"This is what they don't show on Teen Mom," teased Catherine. Class finished up and they brought her the worksheets and she started to grade them before the meeting. The pain in her back eased up and she was able to get through her grading and some more lesson planning before heading to the meeting. She got through the meeting when she felt that pain in her back again, only this time it looped to the front of her abdomen and she hissed in pain.

"You ok?" asked Laura seeing her friend wince.

"Good now," signed Catherine once it passed and things stopped hurting.

"How far are you?"

"Close to thirty seven weeks."

"Full term...I think you just had a contraction."

"Not due yet," signed Catherine.

"Has your back been bothering you? That's how it starts," signed Laura.

"My back has bothered me for the past four weeks. This is nothing new." Laura glared at her. "Ok...ok...if this keeps up I will go and see Dr. Garmin again."

"When is Spencer supposed to be home?" asked Laura.

"I don't know, he left yesterday morning and he sent me a text last night that they found another victim. I'm going to catch a cab home. Night."

"Night," signed Laura. Laura had three children of her own and she knew when someone was going into labor. Being the school's secretary had it's perks, she had access to personal records. She went into her office and pulled up Catherine's information and found Dr. Reid's work number. She pulled out her cell phone and sent him a text from her phone.

_Dr. Reid this is Laura from the school and I don't want to alarm you, but Catherine has been experiencing some back pain and it appears to be bothering her more than before and I think you should contact her ASAP. She might listen to you._

…...

His phone had been going off almost non stop for the last day and a half. It was either texts or calls from reporters wanting information on the case. He had no clue how they got his number, but they had it and it was starting to get annoying. He was trying to talk to Hotch and JJ about the people who had been on the hit list and his phone went off twice, one was a text from a DC number he didn't know and he deleted it and the other was call from a Texas area code and he hit ignore.

"I'm so sorry," said Spencer and he hit ignore "Why would the Un-sub list kids that he fit in with?"

"It how this group worked. The kids in the clique were meaner to each other than to kids on the outside." Hotch asked Garcia to separate the names from the kids on the list to those who were here for the memorial. She got one name-Louis Ramsey, Hotch and Morgan went to go pick him up. Spencer and JJ went to take a dinner break and he deleted all the texts from numbers he didn't know and he listened to half the voice mails before deleting those.

"So Mr. Popular it's nice to see you," teased JJ.

"I don't know how they got my number," he hit ignore on a call coming in from Indiana and sent Catherine a text asking her how she was doing.

_I'm fine. Going to take a bath and get some sleep. Love you._ He grinned and he and JJ had dinner and he got five more calls. JJ watched him get more annoyed with each call.

"I know how you feel. When I did all the media stuff my phone was a never ending party." Spencer turned his phone off. JJ got a call from Hotch an hour later that Ramsey might not be the Un-sub, but he still wasn't sure. It took them back to square one and the list. Spencer met up with Hotch and Emily while JJ tried to catch a quick nap.

"He does fit the profile and some of the evidence seems to fit, but he seemed sincere about wanting to make amends for helping Slade with the bomb making and the list," said Hotch. Spencer looked at the list. _All the LoSeRs in this godforsaken school._ _I'll be damned._

"He's not the Un-sub. Look at the capitalization, it isn't an accident. L. S. R. Louis Stewart Ramsey."

"So Slade named his own partner," said Emily.

"Ironically Louis marijuana habit saved his life," said Spencer. _Might be the first time that smoking saved someone._

"Well if the Un-sub isn't the partner than how did he get his hands on this list?" asked Emily.

"Part of the profile must be wrong somewhere. Did you get anything from Jerry Holtz about Slade?" asked Hotch. Emily told them that he seemed to be making the story up as he went along, but she couldn't be sure.

"Well we need to find him now, he has a connection to our victims that we're missing," said Hotch. They went to this hotel and didn't find him there. Twenty minutes later they were called to the school and Jerry Holtz was dead. Spencer went with JJ and Emily to the crime scene.

The body was in front of a glass trophy case and was broken and had bits of blood in the glass. _Whoever did this broke his fist through the case...the way they beat the last victim would have broken their hand. _

"This Un-sub is already injured and was still able to physically beat a full grown man," said Spencer studying the mess left behind. _Blitz attack, clearly...but still. _JJ and Emily were talking about how only the survivors knew about the interviews so that narrowed the list down of who could be doing this. JJ was filling Emily in on his theory about how the Un-sub would have already been hurt after the last killing.

"Do you remember seeing anyone with a cast?" asked JJ. _They broke through a glass case and still beat him to death, I'm able to tolerate a moderate threshold of pain, this would have hurt like hell though, the Un-sub should have passed out from pain and shock...unless._

"I might know why. This Un-sub doesn't feel pain," said Spencer.

"What he's high?" asked JJ.

"It's a medical condition that doesn't allow for the pain stimuli to register in the brain. It's called pain asymbolia."

…...

_Ok...they are not regular and far apart so it's ok for now,_ thought Catherine sitting down at her desk in her office. She took a deep breath and took a sip of her water. She only had to teach one more class this afternoon and than she could go home...shit she had drama club after school. She went to take another sip of her water and felt that familiar pain that went from her back to her abdomen. Catherine bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying out. She didn't want to admit that they were starting to become a bit more regular and closer together. Garmin was out of the office today, but they told her if they got worse to go to the hospital.

She was thankful that they had started a movie earlier this week-La Vie en Rose and they could finish it this hour. Catherine sat in the back and rubbed her midsection, she was just really tired and if she felt this way tomorrow she would see about starting her maternity leave early. She wasn't very productivity this way and she didn't want to be a distraction to her students. The movie wrapped up and thankfully they only had fifteen minutes left in the class. They talked a little about how they liked the movie and what they thought about living in 1930's France vs. 1930's America. The bell light went off and she told them their assignment for next time was a page on what they thought about the movie. They filed out and Catherine leaned back in the chair and closed her eyes, she was half tempted to skip drama club and go home. _No come on big girl...let's do this. _

Catherine was sitting with Savannah and they working through some new costume ideas when that pain came back and Catherine couldn't hide it from her or the other kids in the room.

"Are you ok?" asked Savannah looking worried. They other kids were giving each other looks.

"Just some false labor," signed Catherine. _The last one was an hour...hour an half ago...this one hurt more too...no...no..nononononono. I'm still two weeks out._ "I'm going to get some more water. Do you guys want anything?" asked Catherine.

"I'll get it," signed Savannah and she went to get her some water. _She is such a sweet girl._ Savannah came back with a bottle of water and Catherine got them back on task. They were wrapping up for the afternoon when that pain came back, thankfully the only one who noticed was Savannah.

"Mrs. Reid are you sure it's false labor?"

"I'm fine. I'm just going to go use the bathroom." Catherine left the room and Savannah went and grabbed Catherine's phone out of her purse.

"What are you doing?" hissed Jenny.

"Calling her husband, she's clearly in labor and she won't call him due to work or some BS," said Savannah flipping through the contacts. _Found him._ Savannah hit the call button and waited.

…...

"It's called pain asymbolia. It's where patients register harmful stimuli without being bothered by it," explained Spencer the next day after Jerry's autopsy was finished and they had all had a chance to sleep, eat and shower.

"It sounds pretty rare. Are you sure our Un-sub has this?" asked Rossi.

"The crime scene proves it. The Un-sub displayed an unusual level of savagery towards his victims." Spencer pointed out the broken glass case and how Jerry had no cuts on him and the only way the Un-sub could have taken that much pain and not pass out was to not feel it.

"This would take a toll on someone's emotional development..." Spencer's phone started ringing again and all he wanted do was throw it against the wall. He turned it off and had over forty missed calls from reporters and now with a third victim it was only going to get worse.

"Well the Un-sub never developed his sense of empathy because it was cut off. Does every person with asymbolia have this?" asked Hotch.

"Actually most feel empathy just fine which makes me think the rest of our profile is accurate: Loner, invisible, outcast," his phone started ringing again. "Boiling rage...SON OF BITCH!" He didn't even look at the caller ID this time. "Hi this is Dr. Spencer Reid and I can come to the phone right now with a very special message that your mother is a..."

"Reid," said Hotch looking at him. Spencer sent the caller to voice mail and was embarrassed by his outburst.

" I'm sorry I don't know what came over me...where we're we?" Hotch was asking him what caused this condition and out of the corner of his eye he saw Morgan trying not to look at him. _Oh you asshole..._

"Severe trauma produces lesions in the brain that you see in stroke patients, but this Un-sub is so young it's most likely cause by an external force."

"Like a bomb going off next to him?" asked Rossi.

"Yeah like a bomb going off next him," said Spencer looking at Morgan who had a smirk on his face. _Oh you don't even know how I'm going to destroy you. _Hotch walked away and Spencer started picking up files.

"I will crush you," he muttered under his breath.

"What?" asked Morgan grinning.

"What?" asked Spencer back and he picked up the files and left. Spencer felt a tinge of guilt about the person on the other end of that call who he had insulted. _Can't wait to hear that message._

…...

"Hey you um...I think douche waffle is fitting right now since you are not my teacher. This is Savannah and I was calling to let you know how Mrs. Reid is. We think she's going into labor and maybe you would like to be aware of the situation. I know you're really busy with serial killers and the like, but maybe when you're done insulting my mother maybe you can call back. Douche waffle!" snapped Savannah hanging up the phone.

The kids who could hear were stunned about how Dr. Reid had blown up on the phone and they were quickly signing to other kids what had happened. They were all shocked about how nice he normally came off. Savannah threw the phone back in to the bag before Catherine came back.

"Poor Mrs. Reid is married to a crazy man," said Jenny. Catherine came back in the room. Jenny and several of the girls hugged her.

"We love you Mrs. Reid," signed Kasey before leaving the room.

"We got your back," signed Chris one of the football players who joined for the cute girls All the kids left, expect for Savannah and Catherine looked at her confused.

"Do I even want to know what happened in the ten minutes I was gone?"

"No," signed Savannah. Catherine sighed.

"I'm going home now." Catherine went to pick up her bags and Savannah already had them.

"I can drive you home...by mom is out of town for the week so I can stay if you want," signed Savannah.

"You are a very sweet girl. Come on...I'll buy you dinner." She and Catherine left the school. During dinner when Savannah went to use the bathroom, Catherine felt that pain again and it was worse than before. _Oh shit...they're less than an hour apart now...oh really..._

"Mrs. Reid?" asked Savannah sitting back down and noticing how spaced out she looked. Catherine fished her phone out of her bag and started texting someone.

"I think I need to go a hospital and I think my water broke," said Catherine finishing her text and forcing herself out of the chair.

Garcia was packing up for the night. She had told Hotch where the Un-sub was and she had a feeling that they would be home later this evening when her cell went off. It was a text from Catherine.

_Game on!_ That was the code-it meant baby time.

"Oh shit!" cried Garcia picking up her bags quickly and texting Spencer that it was go time. She didn't hear anything back and she sent another text. Nothing. She knew that most of the team would be on their way to dealing with the Un-sub. _Shit._ She tired calling Morgan and got no where. _What the hell is going on ?_

…...

Spencer had Hotch's permission to turn his phone off and to have his number changed when they got back to DC. Morgan was with the team to handle the Un-sub so he didn't notice when he took his MP3 player and cell phone and did some light tinkering. _Teach you to give out my number. _He put them back in Morgan's bag and made a mental note to text Catherine when they were on the way home.

Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant. Jim Cole

Ep's used-Painless

I always pitied the person on the end of that call...^-^


	58. Chapter four part one

Chapter four part one

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. Sam Levenson

"Well the good news your only six centimeters dilated so we have time," said Dr. Chivers and Garcia signed it to her. They got checked in and it took about forty minutes for them to see a doctor, it was clearly a busy night in the OB wing of the hospital. Garcia was with her since Chivers didn't know sign language and Savannah was in the hallway waiting. They were waiting for Garmin to come in since he was her official doctor.

"Do you want anything for the pain?" asked Garcia.

"No...we agreed no drugs...bad for the baby," she signed and than she grabbed the bed rail and hissed in pain.

"Well he wants you to rest for a little bit and than he wants you to try to get up and walk a little to help speed things up," signed Garcia.

"No...no...we're not going to speed things. Where the hell is Spencer?" hissed Catherine.

"Well his phone is still going straight to voice mail. I'm going to try and call Morgan again.

…...

The case had wrapped up rather quickly when Hotch shot the Un-sub and killed him. They had been in the air for about thirty minutes and Spencer had timed it perfectly. Morgan always waited until they were in the air for at least thirty minutes before settling in with his music. Spencer pretended to be asleep with a book on his chest. Spencer opened his just a bit to see Morgan look at his player confused.

_We interrupt your regular music selection with an important announcement. Never wage a practical joke war with an MIT graduate because we have a history of going nuclear. Now sit back, relax and listen to the dulcet tones of me screaming in your ear...AAAHHHHHHAAAAHH. _Spencer heard his own screaming as Morgan ripped off his head phones.

"Ok kid that was cute, but that's all you got?" asked Morgan. Spencer let out a fake snore in response. _She'll call any minute now, because she always does..._he heard Morgan phone ring.

"Hey baby girl," started Morgan only to be cut off by a recording of him screaming. Spencer tried to fight back a laugh. Rossi pulled out a napkin and waved it between them.

"Oh no...alright Reid it's on. Just know that payback's are a bitch!" Spencer let out another fake snore. _Whatever. _

"Hello...what...whoa, whoa, whoa...PG slow down and back up for everyone else on this call," Spencer heard JJ say. He cracked one eye open and saw that she was on the phone with a bag of Cheetos in her hand.

"Oh god...is she ok?" Spencer opened both his eyes. They were very few 'she's' that Garcia would call them about. "Ok...yeah we're still an hour an half out from DC. Yeah he's right here...hold on." JJ turned to him and he sat upright in his chair. "Brace yourself," she warned. He took the phone from her and felt a sense of panic. He was going to text Catherine in a little bit to let her know he was on his way home.

"Garcia?" he asked nervousnessly.

"Oh my god you...turn on your damn phone I have been trying to call you for over an hour now and what the hell did you do to Morgan's phone?" Spencer had set it so that way anyone who called Morgan got the following message. _Hi you've reach Derek Morgan and he's not able to come to the phone right now. He's either kicking down doors or trying to sleep with someone that isn't you. Please leave your message after the beep._

"It's a long story. What's going on?" asked Spencer.

"Ok here's a story for you!You left me here with a pregnant woman who is having contractions every thirty minutes, her water has broken and she's refusing pain medication. Oh a seventeen year old teenager who tried to call you earlier and..."

"Is that Dr. Douche Waffle?" asked Savannah.

"Here you go honey," said Garcia.

"Hey Dr. Douche Waffle...you have anything else to say about my mother?" asked Savannah.

"Savannah I am so sorry and I promise I will explain everything and apologize to you when we get back to DC. Can you please put me back on with Garcia?"

"Ok," he heard silence for a few seconds and than he was back on with Garcia.

"Is Catherine ok?" asked Spencer trying to stay calm.

"She about six centimeters dilated and we're waiting for her normal doctor to get here. She's refusing pain medication which in my opinion means she's nuts."

"Ok...ok...just tell her I'm on my way and that I'm turning my phone back on so she can text me. Just all of you try and stay calm and we're 87 minutes out."

"Ok...ok...calm...keep calm and carry on...will do," said Garcia and she hung up. Spencer turned and glared at Morgan.

"Reid..." started Morgan.

"I cheated you out of some cash and I swear to god if you cheat me out of seeing my daughter being born I will find a way to make your life so miserable you will wish that you hadn't been born...I hustled you in a football pool and you decide to give out my phone number to every news organization in North America! You effective cut off communication between me and my wife who is thirty seven weeks pregnant and needed to get a hold of me and couldn't because I was getting a call every 45 seconds from some reporter wanting to know if the Un-sub was the unknown lover of Randy Slade! Unbelievable!" snapped Spencer getting up from his seat with his cell phone. He took a seat in the back of the jet and started texting Catherine.

_I am so sorry that you couldn't get a hold of me sooner. Morgan decided that it was justifiable to give out my cell number to a bunch of news outlets since I cheated in the office pool. Are you ok?_

_ I've had better days. I guess this explains why my birthday text to you didn't go through._ Spencer had to think for a moment and than realized that today was his birthday, he had been so focused on the case that date slipped his mind. _I'm thirty...holy crap...I'm thirty and I'm about to become someone's dad._

_ We're about 80 minutes from DC. I know that I'm asking the impossible right now, but could you try to wait for me._

_ Well if we have her in the next six hours you guys will share a birthday. ^-^ I'm holding at thirty minutes apart right now._

_ I am really sorry that you couldn't reach me sooner._

_ Hey I got a hold of you now and it's going to be ok...we're at the hospital and I got Penny and Savannah here with me. You'll be here in a little while and when you get here we're going to have baby. Can I call this your birthday present? _Spencer couldn't help but smile at the comment.

_I was really hoping for tickets to Comic con, but I guess I'll settle for you giving birth to our child._

_ Damn skippy you will. They want me to get up and walk for a little bit so I'll get back to you. I love you._

_ I love you too._

…...

"How you feeling?" asked Garcia.

"Like a person is trying to come out of me," muttered Catherine. Savannah couldn't help but laugh. They were walking down the hall together, Garcia on her left and Savannah on her right.

"I know you love Morgan, but I swear to god I'm going to delivery this baby and than I'm going to kick his ass. Can't believe that he gave Spencer's number to the reporters...I don't care if I have to climb up on a step stool to beat him up," signed Catherine.

"Oh leave the ass kicking to me! He might be my baby, but he is on my naughty list right now," said/signed Garcia. They reached the end of the hall and turned around and walked the other way.

"Nope...he waged a war with my husband and I will bring him down." Catherine looked at Savannah and smirked. "I normally don't encourage juvenile delinquency, but..." Savannah cut her off and pulled out her phone.

"Just give the word...someone needs a forking."

…...

The plane landed over an hour later and it was all Spencer could do to not jump out of the plane once the wheels touched down. Emily offered to drive him to the hospital, while JJ went to their apartment to get some clothes and other things for their stay at the hospital. Hotch had talked to him on the plane about his time off amongst other things.

"Listen...Catherine is going...she's not going to be herself. Haley told me I was a mean bastard who needed to make it stop and that she would do anything if I would make it stop."

"She'll be in an overwhelming amount of pain and she'll be running on pretty much nothing but adrenaline and instincts to get through the child bearing. I'm pretty sure that if she doesn't yell at me something is wrong," said Spencer.

"Just understand that whatever she says she will need you there and that this going to be the best day of your life," said Hotch with a rare smile.

"Thank you," said Spencer. Hotch told that while he was gone that Morgan would get all his paperwork and that he hoped this put an end to pranks at work.

"I can't make any promises." Hotch gave him another small smile and went back to his seat. Morgan was smart enough to stay away from him during the rest of the ride home until they were getting off the plane.

"How is she?" asked Morgan.

"She still having contractions that are between twenty five and twenty minutes apart," said Spencer picking up his bags and getting off the plane.

"Listen...I'm sorry man. It was really stupid to do considering how close Catherine was to her due date."

"Come on, let's do this," said Emily jingling the keys to one of the SUVs.

"Good luck," said Rossi. Morgan, Rossi, JJ and Hotch got into one another SUV and Spencer and Emily took another to the hospital. He sent Catherine a text that he and Emily were on there way to hospital.

_Ok...the doctor was just here and I'm 7 ½ cm dilated and we're holding at twenty minutes apart now. Getting ready for another walk. I'll see you soon. _Emily drove quickly and was ready to pull out her FBI badge and was ready to use it if they got pulled over for speeding.

"You ready for this?" asked Emily. She saw that Spencer was bouncing his leg and was clearly nervous and wouldn't say anything.

"Reid?" asked Emily.

"I just...I'm scared. It's just...in a few hours I'm going to someone's dad," he let out a nervous laugh. "It's just...I can't wait to meet her and yet the thought is terrifying in ways that I can't describe." Emily smiled at him, he looked so young to her that the thought of him being someone's father was just crazy. They made it to the hospital fifteen minutes later and were directed up to seventh floor. They were than directed to a room on the south side of the wing, Catherine was half laying down in a bed and was dozing. Garcia was sitting next to Catherine with some knitting, she heard them coming in and looked up relieved.

"Oh thank god," she whispered. Spencer went over to Catherine's bedside and took her hand. Catherine let out a groan and opened her eyes, she saw him standing there and she gave him a very tired smile.

"I waited for you," she muttered. She looked so tired he felt bad for waking her up. He bent down and kissed her forehead. Catherine closed her eyes and she drifted back off into the doze.

"Thank you," he signed.

"They have her up and walking every thirty minutes to try and get the ball rolling faster and than they come in and see how dilated she is," said Garcia.

"Thank you for staying with her," said Spencer.

"Like I was going to let one my babies be alone while having a baby. However, you are here now and this is totally between you two now. I love babies, I just don't wanna see them come out...all covered in icky." Garcia stood up, picked up her stuff and kissed Spencer's forehead.

"Good luck honey." Emily waved goodbye and she and Garcia left. Spencer sat down next to Catherine and touched her arm. She moaned and woke up again.

"Hey...I love you," he signed. She nodded and tried to get into a more comfortable position to nap. She had barely moved an inch when she grabbed the bedrail and she whined in pain.

"God it hurts so bad!" she hissed. Dr. Garmin and a nurse walked in.

"It's good to see you again Dr. Reid. Ann, can you get Dr. Reid a bracelet so that way when he goes to take the baby home we let him," said Garmin and he turned to Catherine.

"Sounded like another contraction," sighed/said Garmin. Catherine nodded and shifted in the bed. "We know the drill," teased Garmin. Catherine sighed and the nurse handed him a pair of gloves. Spencer knew that Garmin was a medical doctor and that the way he was touching her was necessary, it was still weird to him though to have another man touching her _there._

"Well you're at eight centimeters now and the contractions are closer to twenty minutes apart. Get some rest and we want you walking again in about an hour," signed/said Garmin tossing his gloves in the trash.

"Thank you," said Spencer. Catherine nodded and the nurse covered her back up. They left the room and a few minutes later Ann came back in with an ID bracelet for him.

"Here you go. That way you can stay in the ward and have your baby when it's time to go." Ann left and Catherine looked over at him.

"You ok?" asked Catherine. Spencer sat back down next to her and grinned.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that? Catherine returned his smile.

"You just looked a little freaked out when Garmin was doing his exam."

"It's just awkward to see someone _touching _you like that," admitted Spencer.

"If it makes you feel better, he's been doing this for over ten years I don't think he's getting anything out of it," teased Catherine.

"Funny. I am so sorry that you couldn't reach me sooner...I can't believe that Morgan did that. I have to change my number now and I owe Savannah an apology for yelling at her. Did she go home?"

"She's running an errand for me." The smirk on her face told him that someone was getting his comeuppance for a prank.

"Happy Birthday by the way...this not what I had planned though."

"I actually forgot my own birthday. Thank you for reminding me." Catherine smiled at him and she settled into the bed and he watched her drift off to sleep again. He held her hand and noticed that she was still wearing Julio's bracelet like he asked her too. _Please keep her safe._

…...

Morgan finished up the reports on his desk and than went over to Reid's desk and grabbed a couple off his desk to finish up. He called Garcia from his office phone and found out that Reid had made it there and the baby was still not born.

"That was a dirty trick Derek!" snapped Garcia.

"I know baby girl and I will find a way to make it up to them." He got off the phone with Garcia and headed towards home. He was relieved that Reid had made to the hospital in time, he would never forgive himself if Reid missed the birth of his child. If was unreal to him that the kid who actually tripped up the stairs on the way to his first case briefing was now a serious agent to be dealt with and was now going to have his first child. _Maybe if I ask nice they let me borrow the baby to take home to my mom and let her borrow it as a grandchild. _

Morgan started the drive down his street and noticed that several cars passed him in the opposite direction. He went turn into his driveway and was taken aback by the sight in his front yard. He parked the car in the driveway, got out of the car and was torn between laughing and being mad. _Oh this is karma...where did they get the Peeps though? _His entire front lawn had plastic forks stuck in the ground along with rows of Peep chicks and pink streamers hung from the trees. He would clean up in the morning though. He went up to the front door and a sign was taped to the door. _Don't mess with the Reids!_

"I won't after this," said Morgan going to open the door. It had been rigged so a bucket of water fell on his head. _Ok...she wins._

…...

It was now past midnight and the contractions were now ten minutes apart and she was nine centimeters dilated. Spencer knew that it was necessary to keep waking her up to keep checking on her and getting her out of bed to walk the halls. She told him that she hadn't slept very well the night before, her back had been bothering her and she had started having irregular contractions. She had been up most of last night and all of today. She had been in labor for over sixteen hours and hour seventeen was now upon them.

"We need her to wake up and walk again," said Ann. Spencer sighed, he hated waking her up, she seemed so tired and he wished she could get some rest. He touched her head and she moaned softly. She opened one eye and just shook her head.

"No...I'm sleepy...just please let me sleep," she whined and went to close her eyes again when another contraction hit her and she bit back a cry, Spencer looked at his watch and they were now seven minutes apart. She sighed and just sat up in the bed. Ann nodded.

"I know this isn't easy Catherine, but we're getting very close now," she said and Spencer signed it to her. Catherine nodded and went to get out of bed.

"You know, we're so close now I don't see any harm in just letting you stay here and rest. I'm going to go see about getting you moved to a delivery room so we can get you ready to push ok," said Ann and Spencer signed it to her. Catherine nodded and laid back down. Ann left the room and Spencer sat down on the bed next to her.

"You're doing a good job," signed Spencer.

"I'm so fucking tired," signed Catherine and she seemed near tears. Spencer bent down and kissed her forehead.

"I know this hard," he started to signed and glared at him.

"No you don't...I've had five hours of sleep and that includes the micro naps here, I've been in pain on and off the past seventeen hours, I've had two different doctors prodding me down there, and I'm trying to pass a person from there. And don't get me started on the last nine months. I...I just...god get it out," she whined and she started crying. _Ok...don't try to empathize. _

"It's hard seeing you like this, but it's almost over ok," signed Spencer and he hugged her. "And just think about what we're going to have once all this done...we're gonna have a baby...our baby." Catherine wiped her eyes and nodded. She tried to get comfortable in the bed and Spencer laid down with her in the bed.

"You remember the first winter when we started dating...you made me go tubing for the first time in my life?" asked Spencer trying to take her mind of the pain and lack of sleep. Catherine gave him a very tired and put her head on his shoulder.

"It was one of the first times you stayed over at my apartment and you were on winter break from school. I remember you just being so excited about the snow and you were just determined

to get me outside because you wanted to play in the snow."

He remembered her just jumping up and down being so happy about the snow, his thoughts on snow were just the opposite. It made him think of train delay and freezing while walking to and from the train each night. Catherine begged and pleaded with him.

"Come on it's Saturday...you live right next to park an amazing tubing hill and it's fun."

"I'm trying to see how being out in the snow going down a hill on a rubber thing is fun." She just gave him this mock glare.

"Don't mock it until you've tried it. Come on...just for a little bit and than we'll do any indoor activity you want."

"Any?" he asked grinning.

"Don't push it Doctor. Come on get dressed!" He reluctantly finished up his coffee and they got dressed and they walked over to the park a few blocks from his apartment. Kids and parents were playing in the snow and Catherine paid for their tubes and pulled him up the hill. He was freezing, but the smile on her face was worth him losing feeling in his toes. They were outside for about an hour when both of them admitted that they were freezing and headed back to his apartment. They spent the rest of the weekend inside either watching movies or in his bed. The hour of freezing was worth the weekend he spent being with her in his home. It was than he knew that he wanted her to move in with him, to share his life with her, how much he really did love her.

"You started telling the kids how to go down the hill faster. I'm sure a couple of the moms wanted to kick you," signed Catherine.

"It was a lesson in the laws of physics, I'm failing to see what I did wrong." Catherine started to laugh when she was hit with another contraction and she bit back a yell." Ann came back in and Spencer got off the bed and Ann checked to see how dilated she was.

"She's fully dilated now. We're going to move her down the hall so we can get ready to push," said Ann with a smile. Spencer's hands started to shake and he turned to Catherine.

"It's time," he said. Ann, Garmin and another orderly came into the room with a wheelchair.

"Ok mom, let's get this show on the road," said/signed Garmin. Spencer and the orderly helped Catherine out of the bed.

"We're going to need to wash up before we let you in the delivery room," said Ann.

"Yeah...of course..." Spencer followed them down the hall and they wheeled Catherine into a room and he went into the attached room and started scrubbing his hands and arms. His hands were shaking and he couldn't breathe suddenly. Ann put a hand on his shoulder and he almost jumped.

"It's alright be scared...my husband actually fainted with out first. It's going to be ok." Ann handed him something to wear over his clothes and a pair of booties for his shoes.

"I can do this," muttered Spencer.

…...

"I...I can't do this," cried Catherine in tears. They had been at this for almost thirty minutes. Her grip on his hand was almost bone crushing and Spencer stood next to her and her head was resting on his chest.

"You're doing a great job...we just need two more big pushes from you and than this will all be over with," said/signed Garmin. Catherine looked up at Spencer and he just hugged her. He took her hand out of his so he could talk to her.

"I love you and you're so close now. Just two more pushes and it's going to be ok," signed Spencer.

"We need her to push now," said Ann.

"Ok...look at me and just push," signed Spencer. Catherine nodded and he took her hand again.

"Ooohhhh GOD IT HURTS!" she screamed.

"Ok she's crowning. We need one more push," said Garmin.

"One more," signed Spencer and he took both her hands in his. "Just push." Her grip on his hands was almost bone crushing, he almost cried out in pain from her grip. Catherine was screaming and than a second sound caught his attention, the sound of a baby crying.

"It's a girl," said Garmin. Spencer turned around and saw Garmin handing her off to Ann to clean her off. Catherine fell back on the bed and started to cry.

"Is she ok?" asked Catheine.

"She's fine," said Ann. She came over to them with something wrapped in a blanket that was no bigger than a loaf of bread. "Congratulations." Ann handed the baby to Catherine and Catherine was shaking as she took the baby.

"Oh my god...we did it," whispered Catherine. Spencer sat down next to her and he was shaking. Catherine smiled at him and he looked at his daughter. He reached down and touched her head careful.

"Hello Abby," said Spencer.

…...

Neither one of them could go to sleep now, they were in recover with Abby. The nurses gave them an hour, but they told them they would need to take her to the nursery and run some test on her.

"She's so tiny," signed Spencer, sitting on the bed with Catherine still in a state of shock. She was barely over seven pounds and was fourteen inches long. Abby had light brown hair and for the few seconds her eyes were open she had blue eyes, he knew that would change once she got older.

"Do you want to hold her?" asked Catherine. He nodded and Catherine handed him his daughter. Abby let out a little whimper and yawned, he felt himself try to not tear up.

"She's...just...wow," she was just so tiny in his hands and it was just so hard to process that a day ago she wasn't here and now she was. His thumb fit in her hand and he held her hand carefully. Catherine reached over and started stroking Abby's head and smiled.

"I love you," said Catherine softly and he handed her back to Catherine. Ann came back in and smiled at them.

"We need to take her for some test and you guys are going to need some rest," said Ann. Catherine sighed and she noticed that Spencer had that puppy dog look in his eyes, she knew that they needed to sleep and that they needed to see if Abby was ok. Catherine handed Abby over to Ann and she caught Spencer giving her a look that clearly said traitor.

"Don't worry daddy. We'll bring her back in a few hours. Just try and get some sleep," said Ann. She went to leave the room when Catherine called out to her.

"When are you going to test her hearing?" Ann put the baby in a small rolling crib and turned back to them.

"We'll test her hearing tomorrow afternoon and let you know what's going on. Just try and get some sleep," said Ann and Spencer signed it to her.

"Thank you," said Spencer and Ann took the baby and left the room. Catherine settled in the bed and Spencer settled in next to her. He pulled her close him and kissed her forehead.

"I paid Savannah and some of the other kids a hundred bucks to mess with Morgan's lawn as an extra birthday present," signed Catherine, exhaustion was kicking in and she was starting to fall asleep.

"Thank you," he signed.

"Well she was born three hours after your birthday, but it still counts as a present," she signed. He kissed her again and watched her fall asleep. Everyone had been so busy on the case that they also forgot his birthday, it really didn't matter right now. His wife gave him something that no one else could give him...his daughter.

It sometimes happens, even in the best of families, that a baby is born. This is not necessarily cause for alarm. The important thing is to keep your wits about you and borrow some money. Elinor Goulding Smith


	59. Chapter four part two

Chapter four part two

Certain is it that there is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter. In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons, ambition; but to our daughters there is something which there are no words to express. Joseph Addison

"Ladies and gentlemen I am here to inform you that around 2 am our boy genius official became a baby daddy. She's seven pounds, fourteen inches and both mom and baby are doing ok," said Garcia walking into the bull pen. Reid had just sent her a text about ten minutes and she couldn't stop smiling. She was so happy for both of them and she couldn't wait to see their baby. A part of her was half tempted to ask Hotch if she could leave early to see their new little genius

"Someone was stubborn, we got in around what eight or nine" said Rossi on the way to his office.

"So who won the baby pool?" asked JJ.

"Emily is the closest with a due date of the 21st," said Garcia. Emily smirked.

"Only eleven days early...I will take my winnings." Garcia handed Emily an envelope with fifty dollars in it. Morgan came in looking very tired and sat his stuff down.

"Reid is now a daddy," said JJ. Morgan nodded and took a sip of this coffee.

"Long night?" asked Emily.

"Did you find a present?" asked Garcia with a huge smile.

"You knew," said Morgan sounding shocked.

"What?" asked Emily.

"He got a forking Peep show on his lawn," giggled Garcia.

"Do I even want to know?" asked JJ.

"I had plastic forks and Peeps all over my lawn when I came home," said Morgan.

"Told you not to mess with her," said Rossi.

"So when can we go see her?" asked Emily.

"Let me text Reid," said Garcia. She walked away and sent him a text. "He said later on this afternoon would be best after the grandparents have seen her."

"Why don't we make plans to go there for dinner," said Emily.

"Oh god that gives us time to go shopping during lunch," said Garcia.

"Why do I have a feeling you're going to spoil her worst than Henry?" asked JJ.

…...

"It doesn't hurt," said Richard the aide who was conducting the test.

"I know that," said Spencer watching him place the miniature earphone and microphone in Abby's ears. Catherine looked up at Spencer who was biting his lip nervously and looked down at small bundle in the bed. Abby yawned and Spencer reached into the bed and held her hand carefully.

It had been a busy morning and it was only eight am. They had brought Abby in around five for Catherine to try and feed her, only to have her not latch. The nurse ended up helping Catherine pump and give her a bottle so she could eat. At six am another doctor came in to exam Catherine to make sure she was healing properly. Catherine looked over at him and made a joke that if one more person looked at her 'down there' she was going to start charging. At seven he went and got them breakfast and Catherine had her first cup of coffee in nine months and he got to change his first diaper and Catherine had to remind him the pictures went in the front, sticky part in the back. Abby dozed back off and Spencer started calling or texting people to let them know that Catherine had the baby and that everything was ok.

They were going to conduct what could be the first of two hearing tests. The first was called OAE or Otoacousic Emissions, it would measure her response to sound. If she could hear an echo would be reflected back into her ear canal and measured. If she couldn't hear they would be no echo. The second test was only if she failed the first one was called Auditory Brainstem Response or ABR which would test how her hearing nerve responded to sound. Catherine had been watching Abby when she spoke and when Spencer spoke, she seemed to know they were there, but it was hard to tell if she could hear them.

"They're going to start the test," signed Spencer. Catherine nodded and watched the tech press buttons on a machine and watched the flat line on the screen. Spencer could hear a faint bell like sound, the tech pushed another button and the bell sound got a little louder, the line on the screen measuring the echo showed no change. The bell sound got a little louder and Abby just yawned again and the line showed no change. The tech nodded and turned the machine off and took the headphones and mike off of Abby.

"We're going to need to run the ABR. She could not be responding because of fluid in her ear or something else. The ABR will give you a final answer," said Richard. Spencer signed what Richard had said Spencer pushed Catherine's wheelchair while Richard wheeled Abby's bed back to their room.

"We'll run the ABR tomorrow morning at nine if that's ok with you," said Richard.

"Of course," said Spencer and Richard left them alone. Abby stretched in her bed and she started to coo. Catherine looked into her bed and rubbed the baby's stomach.

"They want to run the ABR tomorrow morning," signed Spencer sitting down on the bed. Catherine leaned over and kissed his cheek, they knew this was a possibility when they decided to have children.

"Are you ok?" asked Catherine.

"Yeah...I mean...it was just...she's so tiny and it felt so weird to see her being hooked up like that." It was a feeling of being powerless to do anything for her, that she was barely a day old and he already couldn't help her. Catherine reached over and hugged him.

"Hey...we knew that this could be a possibility and we wanted her anyway." Catherine looked over into the bed and watched as Abby tried to get her hand towards her face and was trying to open her eyes again, she had such long fingers for such a little girl. "She has your hands." Spencer let out a small laugh and looked at her hands, he couldn't see it, but he wasn't about to argue with her.

"If you say so...she looks like you." He could see Catherine's facial features in her. _Thank god you look like your mother._ Catherine reached into the bed and took Abby out to hold her again. She opened her eyes and tried to focus. Spencer took Abby's hand again and she grabbed his finger hard. Catherine watched a very small smile come across his face, he was so in love with her and he couldn't take his eyes off her.

"Your dad said he would try to come out either tonight or tomorrow morning and my dad is also going to try and come out. I'm going to wait a few more hours before calling my mom I forgot what time is was in Vegas," admitted Spencer he had woken up both parents with the news, they really didn't seem to care though about being woke up for this piece of news. He looked back down at Abby and her eyes were starting to open a bit wider.

"Do you want to hold her again?" asked Catherine. It still felt unreal to hold her, she was just so tiny and he was still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that she was his.

"I...I...um.." Catherine simply handed the baby over to him. He looked down at her and her eyes were starting open more and she was looking at him. Catherine watched him smile at their daughter and he started talking to her, even if she couldn't hear it was important to still talk to her.

"Hi sweetie...hi...I know this is going to sound bias, but next to your mother you are the most beautiful girl in world. I love you," Abby stuck her tongue out and started to coo again and he couldn't help but smile at her. _JJ was right it's like falling in love all over again._

…...

Emily was one of the first to show up at the hospital, she told Hotch she was going to see the shrink which wasn't too much of lie, what better therapy than to hold a baby and be with your family. Emily got directions to their room and headed that way. She gripped her small gift bag tight and knocked on the door before poking her head in. Catherine was sitting up in her bed and a small lump covered in a pink blanket was on her chest. Spencer was on the phone.

"Yes mom...yes...I'll send you some pictures with my next letter. I think she looks more like Catherine." He spotted Emily in the door and motioned for her to come in. "Ok...we have a visitor so I'll call you later. I love you." He hung up the phone and shook his head.

"Hi." Catherine waved at Emily and repositioned the baby so Emily could see her. She looked down at the baby and smiled, god she was the splitting image of Catherine and Spencer. She could see Spencer's hair and skin color on her, but she could see Catherine's facial features on her.

"She is beautiful. Congratulations," said/signed Emily hugging Catherine carefully and than hugging Spencer.

"So where are the grandparents?" asked Emily sitting down.

"Trying to arrange things so they can come out."

"Oh...this is for her. It's not much, wait till Garcia gets here," said/signed Emily. Spencer took the gift bag and opened it, inside was a small brown teddy bear and a silver picture frame that was engraved with Abby's name and her date of birth.

"Emily...this is really nice. Thank you," said Spencer. Emily shrugged.

"So how much was it to get Morgan's lawn covered in forks and Easter candy?" asked Emily.

"It's amazing what a group of high school kids will do for a hundred bucks," said Catherine with a grin.

"I would have done it for free," said/signed Emily. Spencer's phone went off again and it was Gideon and he decided to take the call in the hall so Emily and Catherine could talk.

"So how you feeling?" asked Emily. Catherine placed the sleeping baby in her bed so it was easier for her to sign.

"Still a little sore, but they said everything looks ok and I just need some rest for now," signed Catherine. "So how did you manage to sneak away from the gang?"

"Told Hotch I was going to see my shrink." Catherine shook her head, she knew Emily was more than annoyed that she had been ordered to go to therapist after coming back to the team. Catherine had a feeling that it was the best thing for her even if she wouldn't admit it.

"Do you mind if I ask you for a huge favor?" asked Catherine.

"What is it?"

"I already talked with Garcia so you don't have to worry about her getting upset, but I was wondering how you would feel about being Abby's godmother?" asked Catherine. Emily blinked and was stunned, she considered Catherine one of her closest friends, but she always assumed that Garcia would be asked before her. _Especially considering how I was 'dead' for almost eight months._

"Oh...wow...you really want me?" asked Emily.

"I know that if anything happens to me or Spencer that you'll do anything to protect her...oh god don't cry," signed Catherine looking fearful. _What the hell did I say?_ Emily wiped her eyes quickly, she was stunned that despite everything she had done, all the lies she had told and how much hurt she had caused directly and indirectly by her actions, she was being trusted with a child.

"You sure that Garcia won't kick my ass, she's very capable of doing that."

"Pretty sure...I mean if you don't want to..."

"I want to..." Emily looked in the bed and smiled at the sleeping infant, she had seen Spencer sleep on the plane and right now his daughter was making a face so similar to his it was unreal. "Thank you," signed Emily. Catherine smiled at her, she knew she had made the right choice asking Emily.

"Besides why should Penny get all the babies," teased Catherine.

"Well I went shopping with her at lunch and trust me she made several sales clerks very happy and if you thought your dad was going to spoil her...just wait..." Spencer came back into the room and noticed that Emily looked near tears, but she was also smiling and talking with Catherine about how Garcia had bought all the BAU children toys because it wasn't fair to only buy for one and not the others. About an hour later, Garcia came in loaded down with balloons, flowers and gift basket. Morgan was behind her carrying another thing of balloons and flowers.

"Oh my god she is soooo cute!" squealed Garcia sitting down her stuff and looking down in bed at the baby. Abby was starting to wake up and it was clear she wanted to be fed, considering they had visitors Catherine opted for a bottle that she pumped earlier in the day. Abby quieted down, closed her eyes and fed.

"Congratulations," said/signed Garcia. Morgan looked down at Abby and grinned.

"Thank god you look like your mama. Congrats man," said Morgan hugging Spencer.

"Thanks...I think," said Spencer. Garcia looked over at Emily and frowned.

"You lied to get out of work and see the baby! How dare you not get me out too," said/signed Garcia outraged.

"I had to see my god daughter," said/signed Emily with a small grin.

"I'll let it slip this time," said Hotch with a small grin coming into the room with JJ and Henry. A nurse came in and handed JJ a mask for Henry since they were worried about Henry could expose Abby too. Catherine moved over in the bed so Henry could sit with her and she could help him hold the baby.

"She's so little," said Henry looking at JJ.

"You were that little once," said JJ pulling up a chair and looking at Spencer. She could remember how nervous he was holding Henry when he was that small. JJ watched how Spencer was with Abby and he was clearly still nervous, but it was different sort of nervous. It was brought on by wanting everything to be prefect and to protect something amazing.

"So how did the baby get out?" asked Henry and Spencer shrugged.

"Ask your mom."

…...

"You know you can go home and get some sleep," signed Catherine. Spencer gave her a look that clearly said she was out of her mind. She moved over in the bed so he could lay with her, Abby was in her bed next them, they could call a nurse if they wanted her moved to the nursery. However, he just didn't want her to be away from him. Spencer looked over in the bed and Abby had fallen asleep, she had these little twitches when she slept and he gave a small smile.

"She's dreaming," signed Catherine. He reached into the bed and stroked her hair and she let out a small sigh and stayed asleep. He got this far away look on his face and Catherine took his hand and made him look at her.

"You wanna share?" asked Catherine.

"I...I just...I really love you...both of you." Catherine put her head on his shoulder and he felt Catherine doze off in his arms. She was exhausted and he knew she needed to rest. He kissed her forehead and held her close, he looked over in the bed and watched Abby sleep. He was used to running on a few hours of sleep due to the odd hours they worked so he laid there watching both Catherine and Abby sleep. Abby woke up around midnight crying and Spencer got out of bed and picked her up carefully.

"Hey, hey...shush..." He went over the changing table and carefully changed her diaper and redressed her. She was whimpering softly and he sat down in a rocking chair with her, held her carefully and started rocking her back to sleep. Her blue eyes looked up at him and kissed her forehead.

"Morgan's right...it's a good thing you look like your mom." He looked over and Catherine was sound asleep. "I've known your mom for pretty much my whole and let me tell you, you got lucky. She's just warm and funny and she's just wonderful. She asked me once when I knew that I was in love with her and I never really told her...I got called into work and I guess she just forgot about it and I never brought it back up. But, I remember the second I fell in love with your mother. I was fifteen and I was home for summer break, but she got a chance to go abroad for the summer and she took it. It was just weird that she was gone...I was just so used to having her there and when she wasn't I just felt like something was missing. She came home the week before I was supposed to go back to school and I went with your grandfather to pick her up. When I saw her walking towards us, she had this smile on her face and it felt like everything was normal again...well as normal as things could be for me. She hugged me and and I just didn't want to let her go and I just knew that I felt something for her that was more than being her best friend." Abby was starting to doze off again and he kissed her forehead. "You know if I had just told her the truth than, you might have been here a lot sooner. But you're here now and I guess that's all that matters now."

He watched her go back to sleep and he didn't want to get up and place her back in the bed, she could wake back up. Spencer got comfortable in the rocking chair and felt his own eyes get heavy. Catherine woke up a few hours later to use the bathroom and saw that Spencer was asleep in rocking chair with Abby in his arms. _And people wonder why I fell so in love with you..._

…...

The next morning Catherine was trying to breast feed again and Abby wasn't latching again and Catherine was starting to look frustrated. She had wanted to breast feed, but so far she was having trouble with it. Lissa their nurse this morning helped Catherine with a breast pump so they could give Abby a bottle to eat.

"You know we have a lacation specialist on staff, I could set you up with an appointment," said/signed Lissa.

"Ok," said Catherine. She had no idea what she was doing wrong, all the books, videos and people she had talked too made it seem easy, she just couldn't seem to do it. Spencer sat down on the bed and touched her shoulder.

"You know the important thing is that you are bonding with her and that she getting the breast milk...I don't need to give you the statistics on breast feeding do I?" Catherine gave him a small smile.

"I just...I really wanted to do it the other way." Abby finished her bottle and Catherine started to burp her. Lissa came back in with a wheelchair for Catherine.

"They're ready to do the ABR," said/signed Lissa. Catherine got in the wheelchair and Spencer followed behind them to a room on the other side of the ward. Lissa took Abby from them and introduced to Shawn who would be running the test. Abby was awake and Shawn started putting the electrodes on Abby's head and than a small pair of ear buds in her ears.

"It doesn't hurt," said Shawn looking at Spencer.

"I know." _Do I look that freaked out?_ Shawn started the test and Spencer watched her little eyes look around the room, but she didn't respond to the sound in her ears. Shawn took the ear buds out and took the electrodes off her head.

"It appears that she is Profoundly Deaf in both ears. I can set you up with for an appointment with Dr. Myra Larin. She works with families and Deaf children," said Shawn and Lissa signed it to Catherine. Shawn handed them a business card and a referral notice.

"Thank you," said Spencer. Lissa handed Abby back to Catherine and they headed back to their room. Lissa went to do the rest of her morning rounds and Catherine placed Abby back in her bed so they could talk.

"You know it's different now," signed Catherine and Spencer looked confused. "When I was born, implants weren't even really an option. Even if it did work I still wouldn't be able to hear that well. Now, the technology is much better and she's still really young...I just..." Catherine shook her head and looked in the bed at her daughter. Spencer made her look at him.

"I love both of you so much and she's going to be ok. If she's anything like you than this isn't going to hold her back in the slightest." Spencer hugged Catherine tightly and kissed her.

"We can always come back later," said Andrew poking his head in the room and William was standing next to him. The birth of their granddaughter was more important than their thoughts about each other.

"Hi dad." Catherine looked at Spencer and smiled. There would always be later to talk.

…...

Their fathers left after a few hours. They were surprised that Catherine was going home tomorrow night and decided to let them get some rest for the night. Catherine went to feed Abby again and was still having trouble getting her to latch. Lissa knocked on the door and a tall dark haired man with sharp gray eyes came in with her

"Catherine, Spencer this is Robin. He's the lactation specilaist."

"Got milk?" joked Robin. Lissa signed the joke to Catherine and she gave him a small smile. "So what seems to be the issue?"

"I just don't know if I'm just not producing enough and she's not latching," signed Catherine and it was translated by Lissa. Spencer was now holding Abby and was trying to figure out how one picked this has a career. _How do you even go about qualifying for this job? What made him decided to help women with breast feeding?_

"Well let's see what we're working with," said Robin and Lissa instructed Catherine to un-button her gown and now Spencer was tempted to start charging a fee for everyone that came in, touched his wife and acted like he wasn't there.

"Do you feel that?" asked Robin through Lissa, Spencer looked down at Abby so he didn't have to watch a stranger touching his wife's chest.

"Yeah...she feels pressure, but she doesn't know if she's producing enough," said Lissa.

"There doesn't appear to be a problem with your production..." _He's a medical professional...he's not groping her for enjoyment...god it's still weird. _

"Dr. Reid...can we have the baby? We would like to try feeding her again," said Lissa.

"Um, yeah..." she was sticking her tongue out and was cooing to herself. Lissa handed her back to Catherine and explained to her how to feed her and to help her latch according to what Robin was telling her. _Seriously...how do you qualify for this job?_

"Ok you seem to have the hang of it right now, we'll be back to see how you guys are doing," said/signed Lissa. She and Robin left to do their rounds and Catherine had covered herself and was feeding Abby. Catherine looked down at Abby and smiled at her.

"It's ok...oh shoot...she fell off," muttered Catherine and she readjusted herself. "Come on sweetie." Catherine looked up and him and frowned. "I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Maybe we should just give her the bottle."

She re buttoned her gown and placed Abby on her chest. Abby started whimpering and nuzzling against Catherine's chest. Spencer shut the door and sat down on the bed, she was putting a lot of pressure on herself to do this. Catherine's own mother never bonded with her and had left her when she was five months old, she wanted to bond with their child in a way that her own mother never did.

"Can I offer a suggestion...I think you're stressing yourself out and it's effecting you being able to feed her." Catherine looked down at Abby and kissed the top of her head. "You just need to relax."

"I just...I really want to do this..." Her daughter was a day old and she was already failing as a mom. Spencer made her look at him and he kissed her forehead.

"You should try again." Spencer grabbed another pillow from a chair and placed it behind Catherine's back. "Is that more comfortable for you?" Catherine nodded and repositioned Abby in her arms. "Just trust me ok," signed Spencer.

He reached up and unbuttoned the top of her gown. Catherine felt herself go a little pink in her face, it was the way he was looking at her. It was that look that got her into bed almost nine months ago and caused them to be here now. Catherine looked down and watched Abby try to suckle, but fail to latch. Spencer watched Catherine's eyes start to glass over and he touched her shoulder and could feel the tension.

"Hey, it's ok...just calm down...it's just us." He rubbed her shoulder and tried to get her to relax.

"Come on sweetie...you have to be hungry by now," said Catherine softly and she stroked her daughter's hair, it curled slightly like Spencer's and it was also the same color as his hair. She also had the same long slender fingers has her father. Catherine looked up at Spencer and saw that he was looking at Abby with the sweetest expression on his face. He was just in awe of her, the same way Catherine was. It was just amazing to both of them that they were responsible for this.

"Oh hey...there you go," whispered Catherine looking back down as Abby latched on and started to feed. Catherine had the biggest smile on her face and he couldn't help but return her smile. He looked down at Abby and a part of him was still trying to believe that this was really happening, that he was experiencing a moment that was incredibly intimate with his wife and daughter. Spencer leaned down and kissed her.

"Thank you," whispered Catherine.

"For what...this is all you," signed Spencer.

"You know what I mean." Catherine leaned back in the bed and continued feeding Abby. _Thank you for just being you._

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. Elizabeth Stone

Notes-I looked up the test used to test infants for hearing loss and I hope I got them right. The Office inspired the scene with Robin...I could see how it would be weird to have another guy touching your spouse and ignoring you.

Thanks for all the reviews.


	60. Chapter four part three

Chapter four part three

Happiness is a form of courage. Holbrook Jackson

"All her test are in and we don't think Abigail is a good candidate for a Cochlear Implant," said Dr. Myra Larin to Spencer and it was signed to Catherine by her assistant. "Her auditory nerves aren't functional enough to make an implant beneficial for her."

Catherine adjusted the sleeping baby in her arms and looked over at Spencer to see how he was taking the news. He had on his poker face and was impossible to read. Catherine was torn, a part of her had hoped Abby would have it a little easier than her, however another part of was relieved that they wouldn't have to make the decision about the operation. They talked a little more about Abby, she wasn't mute and seem to be in very good health. She gave them a list of support groups that they had already looked into and some other pamphlets of information that Catherine was sure Spencer already had memorized from what he had been reading this week about bonding with a Deaf infant.

"Thank you," said Spencer and he shook Dr. Larin's hand and Catherine did the same. She put Abby back in her car seat and they left the office together.

"Are you ok?" asked Catherine. Before he could give her an answer his phone went off. He had been off for a week and Garcia promised to not call him unless it was really important and they really needed him. Catherine noticed that Spencer looked seriously annoyed and that his gaze went to his pocket where he kept his phone. He dug out his phone and his frown deepened. It was Garcia calling him in for a case. _911...missing kid...ASAP._

"You have to go." It wasn't a question, she just knew by the look on his face.

"It's a missing kid," he signed when he handed her back the car seat. Of course he would have to go in now. They needed to have a talk about Abby and he was needed else where. _Well I know how Hotch and JJ feel._

"It's ok...we knew that we were going to have to get a routine set up and the longer we put it off the harder it's going to be when you do have to leave." Spencer gave her puppy dog eyes and Catherine stood on her tip toes and kissed his cheek. She knew that he was hesitate to leave right now considering the news they just got and that he would want to talk about it, but she knew that someone out there was missing their baby and that he could help find it.

"We can talk about her when you get home, we'll still be here when you get home. I love you." Spencer looked down at her and he shook his head.

"Are you sure that you're going to be ok?"

"She sleeps for 15 hours a day and can't roll over yet. If anything happens I can call Garcia and she can call you. I love you." Spencer signed and he hugged her tightly. He looked down at the sleeping baby and a small smile crossed his lips.

"I have to come home with you and get a go bag." He wrapped an arm around her waist and started the walk to the Metro with her.

…...

"I'm so sorry I had to call you in, but I think we might need a little genius on this," said Garcia when he came into the meeting room and she handed him a file.

"So how's Abby?" asked Emily.

"She sleeps for 15 hours a day and has only spit up on me once," said Spencer.

"Wow when you sum it like that it really makes me wanna have children," said Garcia. JJ grinned and Spencer looked confused.

"She's ok," said Spencer. Emily was going to ask him how the appointment went the doctor about Abby's hearing, but Hotch and Morgan sat down and a few moments later Rossi came in and Garcia started the briefing. A nine year old boy in St. Louis had been missing for forty eight hours. His mother hadn't been aware that he was missing and Spencer felt a little twist in his stomach, his own mother hadn't realized he had been missing once for almost eight hours once. _We still need to find him and bring him home._

…...

The father has serving time in jail for embezzling and his mother had tried killing herself twice and was being treated for depression and on several medications for treatment.

"Two suicide attempts! Why hasn't child services stepped in?" asked Morgan.

"She could have talked her way out of it," said Rossi. Spencer's own mother had never tried to kill herself, but she could days without eating or sleeping, she sometimes forgot he was even there and if it wasn't for the help of Catherine's family he would have been taken away by CPS.

"What if Bobby just ran away?" asked Spencer thinking back on the times when his mother was really bad and he stayed with Catherine's family for a night.

"When nine year old's run away they tend to be home for dinner," said Rossi.

"JJ, you and I will talk to the mother," said Hotch, "Reid and Morgan check out the boy's house, Prentiss and Rossi will check out where she dropped the boy off." The plane landed an hour later and they each went their separate ways after they got their vehicles. An officer gave them a set of keys to the Smith house and directions to get there. The neighborhood were Bobby lived looked nice, but you could see signs that it was starting to go down hill from the number of foreclosure signs on the lawns.

"It's quiet," said Morgan getting out of the SUV.

"From lack of people," said Spencer. Morgan unlocked the door and they stepped into the house. It remind Spencer of when he had been on drugs and he didn't care how messy his apartment was. The overall feeling was not a good one.

"Mom's room first," said Morgan. They went down the hall to a master bedroom that was dark and closed in. The bed was un-made, papers and dirty clothes were piled up and it just smelled musty.

"Cheerful," said Morgan and he opened the curtains to let light in.

"Depression is a vicious cycle. It frequently manifests it's in the degradation on one's personal living space which in turns fuels the depression and worsens the living environment," said Spencer. After his father left his own mother went into a serious depressive state that seemed to take forever for her to get out off. He learned early on how to cook and clean for himself. Catherine's family came over once a week to make sure everything was ok, but they never called CPS. He always had a feeling that her grandmother, Maggie might have had something to do with that, but he never asked.

"Well I'm going to look around in here, you take the kitchen," said Morgan.

"Oh the kitchen," muttered Spencer.

"Is there a problem?" asked Morgan.

"Frankly I'm not too anxious to see the perishable food version of this room," said Spencer. He pulled on a pair of gloves and headed in there. It wasn't to bad, the trash had been taken out and a dishwasher was filled with clean dishes. _Either mom snapped out of it for a bit to clean this room up or the son did it before he was taken. _

Spencer opened up the fridge and freezer and braced himself. The fridge side had small amounts of fresh fruit in sealed containers and leftovers in sealed containers, but nothing was bad yet. The freezer had several frozen meals stacked up. _That makes things easier and less dangerous._ His first attempt at trying to make pancakes at ten nearly started a small fire in the pan. The stove had a small stool next to it, in case Bobby wanted to cook, but the microwave was clearly how the boy made most of his dinners, it was down at what would be eye level for a small child along with several plastic dishes and a small key ring with his name on it was next to the microwave. _So he clearly has free run of the house and can come and go whenever he wants_. Spencer headed back to towards the bedroom area of the house where Morgan was still poking around.

"She has four pairs of shoes," said Morgan sounding shocked.

"Why is that relevant?"

"How many women do you know that only have four pairs of shoes?"

"My experience in and around women closets isn't exactly extensive enough to formulate an opinion."

"Ok...many pairs of shoes does Catherine's have?"

"I don't know...six." Morgan turned and gave him this look of shock.

"You two were made for each other." They headed into Bobby's room and were taken aback by how different it was from the rest of the house. It was clean, bed made, everything put away.

"She set up a different area so he could do his homework," said Spencer looking at the desk.

"Mom has serious money issues, denies herself even the smallest luxuries, but yet..." said Morgan holding a framed picture of Bobby and his mother at a park.

"Yet takes her son to an expensive theme park and buys a pricey picture and frame so he can remember the experience," said Spencer finishing Morgan's thought. "She clearly loves her child, however the illness dictates how she cares for him."

"If she was in the middle of an episode she had enough forethought to get him out of the house at least," said Morgan.

"Small favors," muttered Spencer and they started looking through Bobby's things for anything that might give them a clue if he might of run away with someone and they found none.

"You ok?" asked Morgan. Spencer sighed.

"Just trying to keep my head here." Morgan nodded. They headed back to the car and started the drive back to the police station.

"So your thoughts about Bobby?" asked Morgan.

"He's probability very mature for his age and is used to looking after himself and his mother. He feels a need to protect her since his father left them and he tries to not be too much trouble. I bet if we talk to his teachers they will tell us that he's bright, helpful and polite," said Spencer.

"Speaking from personal experience?" asked Morgan.

"My mother never try to kill herself because she viewed it has giving 'them' what they wanted, but if she was off her medication she was not herself in any way, shape or form. Catherine's family helped out when ever they could, but I can relate to Bobby's living situation," admitted Spencer. They sat down with Hotch and the others to discuss what they had found. The mother was clearly not a suspect after JJ was done talking with her.

"Her concern for her son is genuine, you could see it her body language and hear in it voice. She never once asked if she was in trouble or for a lawyer," said JJ.

"The home environment points in the same direction. The money is tight, but she did whatever she could to make her son's world nice."

"She only had four pairs of shoes in her closet," added Spencer and JJ looked at him blankly. "She also taught her son to be very self sufficient, the kitchen was scaled down to a nine year old's level. He could make his dinners in the microwave, get dishes from he cabinets, and he even had his own key ring so he could come and go as he pleased." Emily and Rossi came up to them and confirmed at the grandmother's alibi was air tight, she was out of town with her friends.

"This is starting to look more and more like a stranger abduction," said Morgan. Spencer hated to think what that could mean for Bobby.

"Where he was taken had a lot of foot traffic, someone had to see him be taken," said Emily.

"Unless he knew and trusted who took him," said Hotch.

"If it was someone helping the family, Bobby would have gone with them no questions asked," said Spencer. They started to compile a list of people they would have to question later on and worked until is was almost midnight and Hotch told them to call it a night. They checked into their hotel rooms and Spencer saw that he had a missed text from Catherine when he got out of the shower.

_Just finished the one am feeding and we're going back to bed. Love you. _ He hung up his phone and crawled into bed and passed out. He woke up at five am though worried that Abby hadn't woken them up yet for her feeding and realized that he was in a hotel room in St. Louis working to find a missing boy and that Catherine and Abby were back home in DC. He sighed and went to go back to sleep when someone knocked on the door. He got up and looked through the peep hole and saw that Morgan was at his door.

"Bobby's mother was killed last night in a grocery store parking lot. Hotch wants us to go to the scene."

"Let me get dressed."

"I'll get the coffee," said Morgan.

…...

Catherine felt her pillow vibrate in short quick bursts. It was different than the ones she had set for the fire alarm and door bell. This was the one Spencer had set up for when Abby cried. Catherine looked at her alarm clock and saw that is was close to three am. She got up and went into Abby's room. She was crying, her little face scrunched up and red. Catherine picked her up and realized that she needed to changed. Catherine placed her on the changing table and changed Abby's diaper. She redressed her and started walking around the room with her to calm her down felt her sobs lessen and she sat down in the rocking chair with her and started to rock her back to sleep. Catherine looked down and smiled at her daughter.

"You miss daddy don't you?" asked Catherine out loud. The alternated who got up with her and normally Spencer was the one who got up at three am to check on her and make sure she was ok. Abby drifted back off to sleep, Catherine placed her hand on her daughter's chest and felt her little heartbeat. They were times that she would just sit and watch Abby sleep and feel her heartbeat even though she knew that she should be sleeping too so that she wouldn't be so exhausted. She got back up and placed Abby back in her bed and covered her up with a light blanket.

"I love you," she whispered and kissed her daughter on the forehead. She went back to sleep for another hour and Abby woke up again waiting to eat. Catherine got up and took Abby into the bedroom with her to feed her, she had gotten better at latching and feedings didn't take quite as long.

"You were really hungry huh?" asked Catherine and she re buttoned her top and started burping the baby. She felt Abby burp and she laid her down on the bed and grinned at her.

"I guess we're both awake now," she said it and signed it her.

Her father said he started teaching her sign at six months and than speech therapy started when she was a year old. She had e-mailed her father last night when Abby was asleep and explained to him what Dr. Larin had told him. She figured if anyone had experience raising a Deaf child it would be him. He agreed that the sooner they started with sign the easier it would be easier to communicate with her, but speech was still important to so they should also talk with her too when signing. She watched a small smile cross her face and she kissed her forehead.

"You are too cute for your own good and I love you so much." Abby gave her another smile and Catherine picked up and let her rest on her chest. They not be able to hear each other, but this was almost like hearing each other. Abby could feel her heartbeat and Catherine could feel hers. She rubbed her back and felt the baby grab a fist full of her shirt and rub her face into Catherine's shirt.

"Yeah...you getting sleep again honey?" asked Catherine. She felt Abby settle down and Catherine watched her little eyes close and felt her breathing even out. Catherine got up and took Abby back into her room and placed her in her crib. Catherine was now wide awake and decided to make herself some tea. She went into the kitchen and made herself a large mug of chamomile tea and sat down on the sofa, on the coffee table was Spencer's latest book selection, it was new child psychology textbook and she shook her head, he had bought it two days after Abby was born and read it in about an hour. Catherine finished her tea and looked in on Abby and she was still asleep, one arm was thrown over her head and the other rested at her side. Catherine shook her head and went back to bed and was able to get another hour an a half asleep before Abby woke up again, she was definatly waking up more that Spencer wasn't home. _Such a daddy's girl,_ thought Catherine getting out of bed and heading into Abby's room.

…...

Gideon had told him if his head wasn't in the game, that if he was the slightest bit distracted that it could get in the way of his job. Spencer took a long drag of his coffee and tried to push the thought out of his head, that it was close to six am in DC and that Abby might be waking up now for either a feeding or a change. They alternated who got up with her so that way neither one of them was too exhausted to take care of her. It was so weird to think that after only a week how his internal clock had reset itself to be more in tune with his daughter's needs.

"You awake yet?" asked Morgan and he nodded. He finished his coffee and left the empty cup in the SUV. They crossed the parking lot and towards the covered body of Bobby's mother.

"Something odd about the body," said Spencer when he lifted up the sheet. "She was slaughtered by someone completely out of control, but they had enough control to cut precise wounds over her old ones."

"Like they were trying to replicate her old sucide attempts, but he lost control" said Hotch.

"Maybe this was about the mother?" suggested Morgan.

"Make her suffer for a few days by taking her child and kill her," thought Spencer out loud.

"Well he knew her personal history," said Hotch. Morgan stepped away to call Garcia and Hotch stood up and looked at Spencer as he fought back a yawn.

"You ok?" asked Hotch.

"Yeah...just adjusting," he admitted. Hotch nodded in understanding.

"Well if taking the boy was about making her suffer, than what is going to do with Bobby now?" asked Spencer. Before Hotch could answer the lead detective was coming up to them.

"We have another child abduction, it's a four year old from a park a few miles from here."

"Morgan, Reid- head over there," said Hotch. They got back in the SUV and drove to park, it was still early on a Saturday and they were no kids out yet, however several adults looked to using the park for non family activities, they crossed the park and saw at least three deals go down. It was something that would have to be dealt with later. An officer met them and gave them the basic info about the mother and child before taking them to mother of the boy appeared to be frantic and was pacing back and forth. Before they could introduce themselves she started talking so fast it was almost impossible to understand her.

"I was sitting right there...right there," she pointed at the bench and than she pointed to a patch of grass a few feet away. "And he was playing right there and I looked away for two seconds." She fought back tears and started tugging at her hair.

"Were you by yourself?" asked Morgan and she nodded.

"You told the officer you in McKinely Heights and that's almost an hour from here. And you drove your son out here to play?" asked Spencer. She started itching her arm and she seemed unable to focus on them.

"I was doing things...shopping," she snapped and she looked over to where some officers were talking. "Why are they still looking here? He isn't here!" _If you aren't stung out on something I will give back my mathematics doctorate,_ thought Spencer.

"Mrs. Tanner. Please don't take this the wrong way, but exactly what drug are you addicted too?" she turned and looked at him shocked. "You're displaying symptoms of withdrawal." He knew what withdrawal looked like all too well and she was having a bad case of it right now.

"Are you crazy?" she asked.

"We saw several deals go down on the other side of the park when we got here. You were here to buy and that's what distracted you," said Morgan glaring at her.

"I can't believe that you can just come here and..." Morgan cut her off.

"Your child is missing and every minute counts."

"Mrs. Tanner, I have a child at home and if I couldn't find her even for a second I would be telling the people who could find her anything they wanted," said Spencer. "We're here to find your son, not judge you."

"Pills...Oxi...I can't get a script anymore so I come here. Timmy's dad is out of town for work so I had to bring him with me...he's my baby...I just want him back," she cried and she sat down on the park bench and started sobbing.

"I'll call Hotch," said Morgan. He stepped away and Spencer watched the woman sob on the bench for her son. Spencer had always felt bad for the parents that had lost or were missing a child. Now he was wondering how he would keep it together if it was Abby that was missing.

…...

The Un-sub had released Timmy, but they still didn't know what happened to Bobby. They had taken Timmy's mother into protective custody and his father had come home. It appeared that Timmy hadn't been abused in any way and was released to his father, his mother had checked herself into rehab. _At least something good came from almost losing her child,_ thought Spencer.

"At least we know Bobby is still alive," said Morgan.

"Well this confirims that his motive is trying to 'protect' the children as opposed to hurting them," said Spencer.

"It would also explain why the children went with him and how he knows details about their history," said Hotch. They had regrouped at police station and were getting ready to call Garcia about the 911 operators. Morgan put her on speaker and waited.

"You are on restriction from my inner Lamborghini!" she snapped when she picked up.

"Garcia..."started Morgan.

"I mean it! My high performance engine may purr like a puma on the prowl, but this time you have seriously overheated my engines." Spencer looked at JJ and both of them were trying not laugh. Hotch simply pinched the bridge of nose and shook his head.

"Baby girl you are on speaker," said Morgan calmly and there was silence for a good ten seconds." _Things I missed about work-Garcia's phone etiquette_, thought Spencer.

"I knew that...I was going to let you know that there were eleven dispatchers on call that night that the calls came in and were also off when the kidnappings happened, but there seems to be only one that fits your profile, George Kelling. He was supposed to be on shift tonight, but he left early."

"Can you get his call log, we just need the last call that came in," said Emily.

"The last one was a domestic distrubance and the caller was a thirteen year old girl, her name is Shanon Li claiming her mother's boyfriend was attacking her," said Garcia. She gave them the address and they took off. Rossi, Morgan and Emily went to Kelling's apartment, while he, Hotch, JJ and one of the lead detectives went to the address of the lastest victim. When they got there it was too late, Kelling had taken both the girl and the mother. Hotch called Rossi to see if he was holding them at the apartment.

"They aren't at the apartment," said Hotch when he got off with Rossi.

"He would need somewhere with a lot of space and privacy to hold children," said Spencer.

"A house, a barn, middle of nowhere," said JJ. Hotch called Garcia who had been looking into Kellings background and Kelling had been in foster care and she was still looking.

"I still don't understand why he let Timmy go, but kept Bobby," said JJ.

"If he wanted to kill the parents, why not kill them first and than take the children?" asked Spencer.

"Unless the children are apart of his killing ritual," suggested Hotch.

"How?" asked JJ.

"Maybe he needs something from them before he can murder the parents," said Hotch.

"What could they possible give him?" asked Spencer.

"Permission," said Hotch. It was like a light going on for Spencer.

"He wants to help the children, but first he wants them to be a part of what he's about to do," said Spencer.

"He offers to help their parents and of course they yes what child wouldn't?" asked JJ disgusted. Hotch's phone went off and it was Garcia again.

"Hey this is freaky, Kelling's mother killed herself by jumping off a bridge when he was ten, before that she attempted to kill herself more than once by cutting herself. This ringing any bells?" asked Garcia.

"You find the address of the foster home?" asked Hotch. It took her a few minutes for her to get into the sealed records, but once she did she got the address of a farm a little bit outside of the city limits.

"Let's go," said Hotch. _Please let's get there in time,_ thought Spencer

…...

They did manage to get there in time. Bobby, Shannon and her mother were all saved. For them this was actually a very good day. JJ went to sit Bobby down to talk with him about his mother and he shook his head.

"He told me...he said that she's in a better place...I thought he was going to help her, not hurt her. I didn't know." Bobby fought back tears and JJ didn't know what to say. Spencer got down to Bobby's level so he could look him in the eyes.

"Bobby...I know how much you loved your mother and I know that you would have never done anything to hurt her. She loved you very much and you were one of the good things she had and it's important to remember that no matter what happened she loved you too." Bobby started crying and he reached out and hugged Spencer.

"Your grandmother is waiting for you and we're going to take you too her after we take you the hospital," said JJ. Bobby nodded and after a few hours Bobby was reunited with his grandmother who was still in shock over the loss of her daughter, but relieved that her grandson was still alive. She hugged him tightly and she looked over Bobby's shoulder at them and mouthed the words-_thank you. _A few hours after that they were back on a plane and heading back to Virigina. He had texted Catherine to let her know that he would be home later on tonight.

The plane landed and they headed back to the BAU to finish up some paper work. Spencer was surprised to see his IN-bin was near empty and Emily just shrugged.

"Consider it a early Christmas present," teased Emily. He didn't bring up the fact that his birthday was a week ago, considering that he had even forgot it why should they remember. He simply shrugged and started filling out the paperwork for this case.

"So how many pairs of shoes does a woman need?" asked Spencer and Emily looked at him puzzled.

"Alright I'll play along, why are you asking?"

"Well Bobby's mother only had four pair of shoes and that was a clue to Morgan that she had financial issues and than he seemed puzzled by the fact that Catherine only has six pairs and ..why are giving me that look?" asked Spencer seeing the stunned look on Emily's face.

"She only has six pairs...oh that poor sweet woman," said Emily.

"What?" asked JJ coming into the pen with Garcia and Morgan.

"Catherine Reid only has six pairs of shoes," said Emily and Garcia grabbed a desk for support.

"Oh they are right about teachers, making the noble sacarfices for the youth of America and not having enough shoes," said Garcia wipping a tear from her eye. JJ just laughed.

"Oh come on let's go home," said JJ picking up her stuff.

"I don't get it...how many pairs do you need?" asked Spencer. "Eight?" Garcia let out a mock laugh. They gathered up their stuff and headed for the elevator. "Nine."

"Keep going," said Emily.

"Ten...that's enough right?" asked Spencer.

"Oh Spence, it's different with the ladies. We need them to match or belts and handbags, skirts and seasons change from season to season. " said JJ. Spencer looked at her stunned.

"Boys are so boring anyway. Pants and shoes and out the door," mocked Garcia.

"Hey guys have their thing too. I dated a golfer once that had twelve putters in his closet...but this conversation is reminding me that I need new boots," said Emily.

"Oh they are having a sale on those tall shoes at the mall this weekend...with the kitty heels you like those right?" asked Garcia.

"You getting all this kid?" asked Morgan.

"No." They got into the elevator and Garcia looked at Spencer.

"You are giving us your credit card and your wife and we are taking her shoe shopping this weekend."

"I'm not giving you either one of those things."

"Did he just tell me no?" asked Garcia shocked.

"Oh he's already working on saying no," said Morgan.

"Just wait, Abby will turn on those puppy dog eyes and he'll melt like butter," said JJ. They got off the elevator and headed out of the building.

"Night everyone," said Morgan heading towards his car.

"Poor woman only having six pairs of shoes. The next thing you're going to tell me is that she only has one purse," muttered Garcia walking away.

"She does," said Spencer. Garcia stopped in her tracks, shook her head and walked away. JJ bid them good night and left.

"It's ok...I've seen the necklace and earring collection your wife has. Not all of us our shoe whores. I'll give you a ride home," said Emily.

"Thanks," said Spencer and he got into the car with Emily. They started the drive back into DC.

"So do you mind me asking what the doctor said about Abby's condition?" asked Emily.

"They said that she isn't a candidate for a Cochlear Implant, she doesn't have a working auditory nerve to make an implant worth the operation."

"You ok with that?" asked Emily.

"I really don't know. Catherine and I didn't really get a chance to discuss it before I was called in. I mean we knew that it was more than a possibility that she could be Deaf considering Catherine's family history with hearing loss...it's just. People always treated Catherine like she was different and at times they could be really mean about it, kids and adults alike you know. I didn't want that for Abby."

"And those people don't matter and I know that you and Catherine are more than capable of being able to help Abby no matter what anyone says or does to her. So how was your first case back?"

"I woke up at five o'clock and had to remind myself that Catherine and Abby were home in DC and safe. I just...Gideon always told me that you have to have your whole head in the game or else you just everybody down...it was just a little hard at times to focus."

"It's ok," Emily pulled up to the apartment building. "Night."

"Good night," said Spencer. He got out of the car and headed upstairs, it was close to eleven so there was a slim change that maybe Catherine was still awake. He let himself into the apartment and noticed that a light was on down the hall in Abby's room. He sat his go-bag down and made sure the door was locked before heading down the hall. He opened the door and saw that Catherine was sitting in the rocking chair and Abby was resting on her chest. Catherine looked up at him and smiled at him.

"Hey welcome home," she said softly. He came over to her, bent down and kissed Catherine and than kissed Abby on the top of her head. Catherine adjusted Abby so he could look at her. She was just finishing her feeding and was sort of dozing in her arms.

"You want to hold her?" asked Catherine. He gave her that look like she was asking a very dumb question. She handed Abby over to him and he looked suddenly very relieved.

"She missed you," signed Catherine and she got out of the rocking chair. Spencer sat down with her and started rocking her to sleep. "I'll go make us tea." He nodded and Catherine left the room. Spencer looked down and she was already half asleep.

"Hi there...you missed me...I missed you." He ran hand through hair and watched her drift off to sleep. Spencer got up slowly and placed her in her crib. "Good night." He shut her bedroom door and headed into the kitchen. Catherine was making them tea and he came up behind her and put his hand on her shoulder.

"I missed you too," he signed. She handed him his tea and they went into the bedroom to talk.

"I know this is going to sound crazy, but in a way I'm sort of relieved that she can't be a candidate for the surgery," signed Catherine sipping her tea. Spencer looked at her confused. "I mean it's a huge decision that impacts her whole life experience and she wouldn't have a say in it. If it was a life and death thing I would be upset if she wasn't a candiate, but I think I'm ok with this. Your thoughts?" He took a sip of his tea and tried to organize his thoughts.

"It just...when we were kids, I saw people never take the chance to get to know you before they made all these snap judgements about you because you couldn't hear them. I saw how much they hurt you and I...I'm worried about people hurting her." Catherine squeezed his hand and he went on.

"I really didn't consider the whole life experience aspect of it, I mean...it is a huge life altering decision that does affect her...I mean even if she could have the operation whose to say that she would want it when she grows up. I just...I guess apart of me is relieved that we don't have to take the risk and another part of me wants to protect from how people are going to treat her once they find out she can't hear." Catherine put her head on his chest and felt his heartbeat.

"So one major life choice for her has been made. Do you want to start talking about colleges or her dating life?" asked Catherine.

"She not dating ever and we'll see if she's more of a Cal-tech or MIT girl when she hits six months," signed Spencer. Catherine looked up at him and grinned.

"You gonna fit her with a chasity belt?"

"Yes." Catherine let out a laugh.

"You know my dad said the same thing and look where I am now? Happy, married and with a baby." Spencer smiled at her, he kissed her slowly and weaved one hand through her hair. He broke the kiss lazily and smirked.

"Oh it's not fair for you to kiss me like that when you know I can't for a least five more weeks," signed Catherine. She was still healing from having Abby and the doctors had told her no sex for at least six weeks.

"I love you too," signed Spencer. He changed into his pajamas and set his alarm. He argeed to go back in tomorrow morning and help JJ look over some pending cases. He felt Catherine wrap an arm around his waist and he took her hand in his and held it tight.

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. Doug Larson

Notes-Ep's used-Childhood's Hour.

I myself am not a shoe whore and the BAU would be shock to only see four pairs of shoes in my house...however I think I make up for it box sets. ^-^


	61. Chapter four part four

Chapter four part four

Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end. ~Author Unknown

Catherine had sent him pictures of Abby in the pink fuzzy bunny pajamas her father had sent her and he smiled a little. They were coming back from California and while they had only been there for two days but it had brought up memories of things he wished he could forget. _He wished he could forget about how cuffs dug into his skin, how the cabin smelled of dead fish and filth, how his whole body hurt and how the needle felt going into his skin. _He couldn't forget how it felt when he couldn't breath or what he thought was his last conversation with what he thought was Catherine.

Emily sat down across from him and he shifted in his seat uncomfortable, he really hadn't thought before he spoke and he was sorry.

"Hey," she said and sat down across from him. Everyone else on the plane was napping or reading so they could talk without being overhear too much.

"Hey."

"New pictures?" asked Emily.

"Yeah...I mean it's silly in a way. I have an eidetic memory so I'm not going to forget what she looks like after being gone for a day, but...I don't know."

"Well for those of who don't...can I see them?" Spencer handed his phone over and Emily smiled. "She is adorable. Are those from Garcia?"

"Catherine's dad. He and Erin have been going overboard with the gift giving."

"Well what did you expect? This is their first grandchild?" teased Emily smiling, Spencer gave her a smile back and than he bit his lip.

"I...I...um...when we were talking about the Un-sub and...I just spoke without thinking. If I...it was insensitive how I blurted that out and I am sorry," said Spencer.

"Reid...you don't have to apologize to me. I was the one who shared what happened to me."

They had been talking about the Un-sub and his reason for killing his first victim, a teenager who had survived a near death experience and spoke of seeing 'the light' someone telling him that it was ok and that it wasn't his time.

"We all know that is the light is the ER light and the shadowy figures are the doctors hovering over you. No one sees 'The afterlife,'" said Morgan sounding skeptical about the motive for killing.

"I did," said Spencer without really thinking. Everyone turned and looked him shocked. "Right before Tobias Henkle resuscitated me, I had that exact experience...only I wasn't in a hospital, I was in a shed."

"Reid, you never told me that," said Morgan looking stunned. Spencer stunned himself talking about it, he hadn't even told Catherine about what he had seen. That he had seen her and she told him to go back.

"I'm a man of science and I didn't know how to deal with it," admitted Spencer. _Still really don't._ "I mean there is no quantifiable proof that God exists and yet in that moment I was faced with something I couldn't explain...and I still can't." _Stop looking at me all weird like...why did I open my mouth,_ thought Spencer seeing the sad look JJ was giving him and the puzzled look on Rossi's face.

"What if this Un-sub had a similar experience and this is his way of looking for anwsers?" asked Hotch.

"If that was the case than why kill Jake Shepard? Why not just talk to him?" asked Rossi.

"He wanted to see if the experience would be the same as before," said Emily slowly.

"Once isn't enough?" asked JJ.

"Not if Jake didn't see the same thing as our Un-sub. He wants to know if the experience can change. I can related to that," said Emily. Now she was getting all the weird stares, so she went on. "Reid felt a warmth and saw a light...when I coded in the ambulance...all I felt was cold and darkness...and I would like to think that they're might be a different experience in the future waiting for me."

"You actually died," said Spencer and Emily gave him this stunned look and they went back to talking about the case like nothing had happened. Like they hadn't just relived a part of themselves that they had kept hidden for a reason.

"I just...it came out as insensitive and it wasn't my intent. I thought I was the only one," said Spencer. That sat there quietly for awhile before Emily spoke up.

"So...someone spoke to you? When you saw the light?" asked Emily. Spencer twisted his ring on his finger and sighed.

"It was more of a gray place...I felt someone holding me and I just felt at peace after...well everything and I heard someone telling me to open my eyes and it was Catherine. It wasn't her though...she could hear me. She told me I had to go back and at first I didn't want to at first...I was just tired and...she conceived me to go back. It got brighter and than I was back in that shed," said Spencer. Emily nodded.

"Everything just went numb and in a way I was _happy_ that I couldn't feel the pain or scared anymore. I remember the sound of the ambulance and them talking around me and than...I didn't hear anything and than I remember...it was like someone turned off all the lights and it was just cold..." Emily blinked back tears and Spencer took her hand. The same way she took his on the plane ride home three years ago after they survived Cyrus and the compound.

"You weren't alone...we all...we were all so worried about you and well...I guess you know how we took you 'dying'."

"Yeah I do."

"So can we agree on one thing?" asked Spencer.

"What?" asked Emily.

"Let's not have a repeat experience...at least until we're older than Rossi," teased Spencer. Rossi was getting up to make himself a cup of coffee and he gave Spencer a dirty look. Emily was worried about Rossi. He had confided in her about his ex wife, her illness and her wish to die before things got too out of hand for her. Rossi sat down on the little bench across from them sipping his coffee.

"Anything else you would like to say about me?"

"Nope," said Spencer and he went to get a book out of his bag. Rossi went to get up when Emily spoke up.

"Why do you think we saw what we saw?" Rossi walked back to his seat, but he listened closely to what Reid's answer was.

"You felt like you were alone and I wanted to talk to Catherine...maybe we just saw what we wanted or felt at that moment." Emily nodded and Spencer went back to his book and Emily started playing a game on her phone. Rossi sipped his coffee and though about Carolyn's request...he couldn't do it. He loved her dearly, but he couldn't give her that. He did hope that Reid was right about seeing what you wanted or felt. _I hope she sees him again._

…...

Catherine was on the sofa with her back on the arm rest and her knees pulled in. Catherine had Abby in her lap and was supported by Catherine's knees and she was holding her head. Catherine was making faces at her. Abby was sticking her tongue out and was focused on Catherine's face. Spencer came into the apartment and smiled. Abby was getting better at focusing rather early in her development and he wondered if that was due to her lack of hearing, trying to compensate for the sense she was missing. Spencer sat down and kissed Catherine on the top of her head and he took Abby's hand and smiled at her. Catherine adjusted herself so she could look at Spencer and she laid Abby on the sofa cushion between them.

"How was your day?" asked Spencer, he placed his hand on Abby's stomach so she couldn't roll anywhere.

"We went shopping and for a walk the other day, we went in for our two week check up and Abby got a Hep B shot, she was pissed off to say the least and she's gained about two pounds and I've lost twelve pounds. We went and visited the school this afternoon and they think she is the cutest thing they have ever seen. I found out that the kids got invited to an invitational for perform. I helped Kyle pick out some songs and told them that I would try to see them perform in two weeks. And has of three hours ago, the rest of her cord fell off and we've been out here just hanging out. What about you?"

"Caught an Un-sub who kept drowning his victims and than resuscitating them until they died so he could question them about what they saw...if they saw the after life. He wanted to see if they had the same experience he did when he was teenager. He tried to kill himself and so Emily and I had to jump into a pond to save him."

"I was going to ask if you wanted to give Abby her first real bath, but it sounds like you have had your fill of water related activities for now." Spencer let out a small laugh and looked back down at Abby and she was still sticking her tongue out and trying to blow spit bubbles. He picked her up and let her rest on his chest and she rubbed her face into his vest and he rested his chin on her head.

"You wanna give her a bottle and get her ready for bed instead?" Catherine noticed that Spencer had this far away look on his face, he clearly had more he wanted to discuss. However, she knew that he would want to spend time with Abby first. He gave her an even bigger smile and she leaned over and kissed his forehead. "I'll go get her bottle and I'll warm up your dinner too."

Catherine got up and warmed up a bottle that she had pumped earlier. She handed the bottle to Spencer and than went back to warm up some leftovers. Spencer gave Abby the bottle and she made a face, but she took it after a few moments. She was clearly used to get fed from the source.

"Mom spoils you huh," said Spencer as she ate. She finished the bottle and Spencer picked up a towel and started to burp her. "You sound like were busy while I was gone. Got your shots...mom is also mean too." She was watching his face while he talked and he kept talking to her

She burped and he felt her hand clench and unclench on his vest, it was the cue that she was getting sleepy. Spencer got up and took Abby into her bedroom, changed her into her pajamas and placed her in the crib with a pacifier. Spencer watched her eyes get heavy and she fell asleep, he went back into the living room and Catherine had warmed up a bowl of beef stew and had it sitting on the table for him. Catherine was sitting there and was sipping her tea.

"So anything exciting happen in California. Did you see your old girlfriend?" teased Catherine. Spencer gave her a dirty look and she smirked at him. "Something is bothering you...you want to talk about it?"

Spencer burned his tongue on the stew and he winced, he had never told her about what he saw. At the time it was still to raw and unbelievable to talk about. Plus he figured he had dumped enough details on her about what Tobais had done to him and his drug addiction that he didn't want to hurt her anymore. He finished his dinner and looked at her.

"We were talking about what the Un-sub was doing to his victims and Morgan said something about no one sees the afterlife and...I have." Catherine looked at him confused. "Before Tobais gave me CPR, I saw this light and...and I...I talked to you."

_ "I don't understand," said Spencer just wanting the pain to stop, it was coming back to him in bits and the black was starting to gray. "I don't want to go back."_

_ "Your Catherine has been lighting candles for you...she was worried about you being alone in the dark. Garcia is crying with Morgan who is wishing he was dead instead of you. Emily is standing alone watching this breakdown. JJ is holding her phone, trying to work up the nerve to call the agent with Catherine to let her know that your gone. Hotch is trying not to cry while looking at your body on the floor broken like his son's broken toys. Gideon has locked himself in the bathroom and is trying to stop blaming himself for your death. And I know you don't believe a single thing I'm saying right now and that you think that the worst thing is to go back. But trust me Spencer Reid...nothing is here for you. It's all back there."_

_ "They're waiting?" asked Spencer. Catherine, JJ, Morgan...waiting for me..._

_ "They all are."_

_ "This isn't real...it's in my head."_

"_Doesn't that make it real than." _

"I mean whatever it was...looked like you...but I knew it wasn't you. I just...it didn't make any sense why I saw what I saw or why it said the things it said...did you really light candles for me?" They never really talked about what she had did when she was hold up in the hotel room with the other agent. Catherine sat her tea down and fiddled with wedding ring.

"You always did hate the dark." Even now they kept a small night light in their bedroom, Catherine never teased about his fear of the dark. She never knew what it stemmed from, but it seemed mean to pick on him about it. "I just didn't want you be alone in dark." Catherine put her head on his shoulder and Spencer started playing with her hair without much thought, her hair was the same texture as Abby's hair.

"I love you," said Catherine softly. Spencer bent over, kissed her temple and kept playing with hair. They sat quietly together for a long time and than Spencer heard Abby start to fuss.

"She up," signed Spencer. Catherine got up and went into Abby's room, Spencer followed her. She just needed to be changed and after she was changed she went right back to sleep. Catherine felt Spencer wrap both his arms around her waist and rested his head on top of hers.

…...

"You seen Rossi yet?" asked Emily sitting her juice down.

"Nope," said Spencer and he started on the next file. He looked up and Emily and she seemed nervous. "You ok?"

"Yeah." Emily sat down and started finishing up her own paperwork.

"I need to see all of you in the meeting room," said Hotch looking slightly pale. Spencer looked at Emily and she also seemed sort of nervous. _What is going on? _He had never seen Hotch act like this over a case. They headed up the meeting room and took their seats. Strauss was already there and even she looked a little depressed.

"We just got a call from David this morning. Late last night his ex wife, Carolyn passed away. She had been suffering from ALS.

"How's Rossi?" asked Garcia.

"He's understandably upset and he's asking that we respect his privacy at this time. He wants to be alone for right now and I ask that we respect that for the time being," said Hotch.

"I know that he wants to be left alone, but can we still do something for him...take up a collection for his ex wife or something?" asked Garcia. Strauss face actually softened and she nodded.

"I think that's a wonderful idea Penelope. Aaron, I trust David's workload can be divided up among your team. If not I can always get you a trainee from the Academy," said Strauss.

"Thank you," said Hotch. She nodded and left the room.

"I can take Rossi's classes," said Spencer. He had helped come up with some of the outlines and could recite Rossi's former lectures from memory and in his sleep.

"I can help with the classes," said Emily.

"Morgan and I can do his consults," said JJ. Hotch nodded.

"Ok. If any of you need help please let me know right away," said Hotch. He left the room and went back to his office.

"This sucks," said Garcia and she made her way back down to her office.

"Come on...he has a stack of files to go through," said JJ. They headed down to Rossi's office to get started.

"When do classes start?" asked Emily.

"He has one in the morning, one tomorrow afternoon and the grading," said Spencer. Emily nodded and she looked really depressed.

"Something else bothering you?" asked Spencer. Emily sighed and she looked over her shoulder to make sure they were alone.

"Between us...Rossi told me that Carolyn had asked him to help her end it...he said he wasn't going to help her, but she must of done it anyway without him."

"Wow." Spencer felt really sorry for Rossi, he could only imagine the position her request had put him in. He must of cared about her a great deal to stay with her till the end and to have her ask him such a thing. "Why you think she asked him?"

"Maybe she felt he was the only one she could trust to be with her in the end."

…...

"Oh my god she is so cute," said/signed JJ. Catherine had dressed Abby up in pair of black footie pajamas with a tiny tail pined in the back and she had clipped little cat ear hair clips in her hair.

"Well it is her first Halloween," signed Catherine. "I'm surprised you guys are actually home for Halloween...I just mean normally you guys get the craziest cases around Halloween."

"I do like it when the serial killers respect our holidays," said/signed JJ. Henry came into the room wearing his Halloween costume, he was dressed as a police officer. Henry came up to Catherine proudly showing his badge.

"Daddy said I could wear his old badge," said Henry and he tried to sign it too. JJ and Will had been teaching him sign.

"Very cool," said/signed Catherine.

"Can Abby have the candy I don't want?" asked Henry. JJ picked him up and hugged him.

"No she's still too little to have candy, but can I have some of your candy?" asked JJ and she tickled him.

"No it's mine," laughed Henry. "When are we going to go trick or tricking?"

"As soon as daddy and Spencer get here we'll all go trick or treating." As if on cue, Will came into the apartment.

"Well look at you," said Will and he picked up Henry. "Where did you get that badge from...looks familiar."

"Silly...it's yours." Will came over to Catherine and looked into the stroller and smiled.

"Well Hello Kitty," said/signed Will.

"I'm just hoping that she keeps the ears in,"signed Catherine. Abby had been trying to reach up and take the clips out.

"Uncle Spence!" cried Henry and he took off down the hall. Catherine looked at the child taking off down the hall and she was confused.

"Spencer's here," said/signed JJ. Spencer came into the living room wearing a monster mask and carrying Henry. He took it off and grinned.

"Happy Halloween."

"Trick or treat!" cried Henry and Spencer gave Henry a piece of candy. Catherine looked at him and smiled. Spencer came over and looked in the stroller.

"Garcia would be jealous of the cat ears and the tail," signed Spencer and he picked her up. Abby let out a coo and tried to reach up for her hair again.

"Can we go now?" asked Henry.

"Kids and their candy," said/signed JJ. They put on their coats and headed out. Henry went for almost two hours before he was too tired and wanted dinner. Will had to carry the toddler home, Abby was starting to fuss and clearly needed to be changed. JJ had already ordered pizza and they picked it up on their way back to the apartment. Henry fell asleep in the mid of his second piece.

"He got a good haul," said/signed Will and he took a piece of his son's candy.

"You leave that alone that is his," said/signed JJ.

"You aren't going to do that Jimmy Kimmel thing and tell Henry you ate all his candy and film it?" asked Catherine and Will grinned.

"No!" said JJ and Will frowned.

"Never let me have any fun." Abby was asleep in her stroller and was wearing only one cat ear.

"You know that 93 percent of children, teenagers and young adults go trick or treating every year and that 5.7 billion was spent on Halloween candy, costumes and other related products," said/signed Spencer playing with Abby's cat ear.

"I went until I was almost 16...being short has it's perks," signed Catherine.

"I think I was only college freshmen at Cal-tech to go trick or treating," said/signed Spencer.

"I can only imagine," teased JJ. Abby let out a small whine from her stroller.

"I think it's time to put someone else to bed," signed Catherine. They said good night to Will and JJ and headed home. Catherine fed Abby and took off her other cat ear.

"Can you print some pictures for my mom? She's already asking for new ones," signed Spencer.

"Already planned on it." Spencer sat in the room with them while Abby was fed.

"Do you wanna give her a bath?" asked Spencer. They had given her sponge baths, but not one in the tub yet.

"Ok. Can you get it ready while we finish up here," said Catherine.

He nodded and headed to the bathroom to get everything around. He lined the sink with a towel and got the washrag, hooded towel, soap and baby powder around. Catherine came into the bathroom and Spencer started running the water. She got Abby undressed and handed her to him. He shut off the water and made sure it wasn't too hot for her. Spencer placed her in the water and she looked so confused about what was going on. She looked so small and helpless to him, Abby looked up at him and she trusted him completely. _Your mother looks at me like that._ He smiled at her and Abby tried to smile back at him.

They finished her bath and she started to fuss once she was out of the water from the cold. They dried her off quickly and got her into a clean diaper and pair of pajamas. Catherine gave Abby her pacifier and the baby drifted off to sleep within seconds.

"She looked cute, just think maybe next year we can take her trick or tricking," signed Spencer.

"You just wanna steal her candy."

"I can buy my own thank you very much."

"I think this is the first Halloween we have gotten to spend together in a long time," signed Catherine.

"You remember our first Halloween?"

"We were five or six and I think you were dressed as Sherlock Holmes...I was Care A Bear. My dad has the pictures somewhere."

"You know it's still early...you wanna watch a movie?" asked Spencer

"I'm feeling very into H.P Lovecraft right now."

"Cthulhu fhtagan," muttered Spencer. Catherine went to go make them some popcorn and Spencer put in The Call of Cthulhu.

"Best Halloween ever," said Spencer taking a handful of popcorn.

Anything simple always interests me. David Hockney

Notes-The Call of Cthulhu is on Instant Netflix and is filmed like a silent movie. I recommend it. I also recommend an article about Shippers in Entertainment Weekly it was a fun read.

Thanks for all the good reviews.


	62. Chapter four part five

Chapter four part five

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. ~Anne Lamott.

"Hey Penelope, it's Jenny...how are you holding up?" Jenny was one of the support group organizers. Garcia had spoken to her on several occasions and the last time they had spoken was about a week ago when they had to disband Garcia's support group due to what happened with Monica Kingston and the man who had kidnapped Hope, Monica's daughter. Garcia was still trying to come to terms with the fact that the man who had kidnapped Hope had basically broken into her support group to spy on Monica and than had the balls to share Hope's suicide story with the group.

"I've had better weeks," said Garcia.

"I know and I'm working on getting you a new group. Everyone really misses you. I was wondering if you could do me a favor though until we get you a new group. My group has a new member and she's Deaf. She wasn't able to get an interpreter for the last time she was here and I was hoping that maybe you could come in and interpret for her."

"Sure. I could meet with her before the meeting so we can get to know each other."

"I'll e-mail her to let her know that we got an interpreter and to let her know to come a little earlier so you can talk to her before the meeting," said Jenny. They set up a time and Jenny gave her the address of where they were meeting. At seven Garcia pulled up in the parking lot of the Y and headed into one of the meeting rooms. Jenny was already sitting there and to Garcia's surprise Catherine was also there.

"Cat?" asked Garcia Catherine looked stunned and her face went white.

"You guys know each other?" asked Jenny surprised.

"For a long time," said Catherine softly.

"I'll give you guys a minute," said Jenny and she left the room. Garcia sat down across from Catherine.

"So...can I ask why you're here?" asked Garcia. She knew that Jenny's group was for women only who had lost infants. As of this morning to Garcia's knowledge Abby was perfectly fine.

"You won't tell anyone that I'm here...not even Spencer?"

"This is about you and right now think of me like a really hot and awesome shrink." Catherine gave her a small smile.

"Abby...she's about four weeks now. Yet there is a part of me that...we were pregnant before Abby and if I hadn't lost that baby it would be six months old this month."

"Oh honey...does Spencer know about this?"

"Yes. It was an ectopic pregnancy and they had to terminate it...it happened last summer. We um told you guys that it was my appendix. Emily knew because she tracked us down to the hospital, but we just...we didn't want all the pity and I guess we really didn't want to think about it or talk about it. But, I don't know now. Don't get me wrong I love Abby...I love her more than anything in the world, but a part of me thought about if that pregnancy had gone to term, Abby wouldn't be here or I don't know what I'm supposed to think." Catherine wiped her eyes and Garcia reached over and hugged her friend.

"Sweetie it's ok to not know how you're supposed to feel and trust me I know how much you love Abby. You and JJ are like first place winners for Mother of the Year. I think that maybe coming here and talking to the other moms here might help and that maybe you should talk with Reid about this. He might be feeling the same way you do. You can do the group tonight if you want or you can come back next week or any other week you want to and I'll be right here if you need me to here."

"You are awesome has anybody told you that lately."

"Oh honey I know I'm awesome and don't need to be told. Come here." Garcia gave her another a hug.

"I think I'm gonna head home and talk with Spencer first."

"Let me know if you want to come back and talk with this group. Jenny is amazing and has six kids of her own so she gets what this whole mommy thing is like and I'll also be here if you need me." Catherine nodded and decided to head home back to Spencer to talk to him.

…...

Catherine let herself into the apartment and Spencer was on the floor with Abby. Abby was on her stomach and was trying to pick her head up. Spencer was also on his stomach and was playing with Abby. Spencer looked up at her and smiled, he picked Abby up and stood up to greet her.

"You're home early. How was the book club?" asked Spencer. Catherine had told him last week that she was going to a book club at school, she had gone to the support group. She had spoken with Laura over lunch last week about how she feeling. Laura herself had lost a child when he was three weeks old to SIDS well over a decade ago and gave Catherine the name of the support group.

Catherine took Abby from him and the baby clung to her. Catherine kissed her on the top of her head and inhaled her scent. Baby powder, milk and just something clean. Abby grabbed a strand of her hair and tugged hard.

"Hi sweetheart," said Catherine softly.

"You ok?" asked Spencer, she looked like she wanted to cry.

"Yeah. I'm gonna get her ready for bed. Did she eat yet?"

"I was getting ready to give her bottle, you wanna feed her instead?" Catherine nodded and took Abby to her room and sat down in her chair. Abby was already getting that look on her face that she wanted to eat and she wanted it now.

"Hold on." She covered them both up with a light blanket and started to nurse Abby. She held on to Catherine's hair and looked up at her with those big blue eyes, her eyes were starting to get a little darker. Catherine wondered when they would change color for good. She ran a hand through Abby's hair and smiled at her. Abby closed her eyes, but she wouldn't let go of her hair. Abby finished her feeding and Catherine started to burp her. Catherine felt her burp and she could feel Abby's body start to relax and than her breathing even out. She looked and the baby was sound asleep, she careful got up and placed her in the crib. _I love you so much..._

Catherine headed back into the living room and Spencer was sitting on the sofa and was reading the latest book in the Game of Thrones series. Catherine sat down next to him and Spencer sat his book down and looked up at her.

"Something bothering you?" _Can't lie to a profiler for long,_ thought Catherine. She tucked her feet under her and got comfortable.

"I didn't go to a book club. I...I went...do you think about...the one we lost?"

"I...I try not too. It hurts, it just hurts in a way that I can't figure out. You do though?" Catherine nodded and she started to cry. Spencer reached over and hugged her.

"It's just...if the first one had lived it would be about six months old now, but if I had carried that one to term we wouldn't have Abby now and I love her so much, but it's a Catch 22 really. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel."

Spencer hugged her again, he didn't think this was a postpartum depression episode. They had just never really talked about _this_ much, it was just too painful when it happened and than to say everything went to hell afterwards was an understatement. It was only natural he supposed that Abby's birth would bring back some of those feelings for her.

"I know how much you love Abby and I guess we never really talked about it. I mean we talked about having children again and your health after the miscarriage, but we never really talked about what we lost. You wanna talk about it now?"" asked Spencer.

"I know that it couldn't have survived, but a part of me thinks about what it could have been sometimes, but on the other hand...we wouldn't have Abby and she is just...next to you one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I honestly wouldn't trade her for anything." Spencer took her hand and squeezed it.

"I was so focused on you and what could of have happened that I really didn't think about what we really lost. It wasn't until I saw Abby's utlrasound and knew that it was really going to happen and than it sort of hit me what we could have had and what we were going to have. Are you going to be ok?"

"I think so, but I wanna try to go to the group for a little bit if that's ok with you?"

"Catherine this is about you and I want you to be ok. But, like you tell me anytime you wanna talk to me you know where I am," teased Spencer. Catherine gave him a playful shove.

"Thank you." Spencer picked his book back up and started reading again. Catherine went to check on Abby again and found that she was still asleep, one arm thrown over her head and her other arm on her chest. _I love you._

…...

"Promise me that you will never send any of your children to miltary school," said Garcia sitting with him and JJ on the plane. They were on their way home from what was basically the pre-cusor to Full Metal Jacket, a miltary school where the men in charge allowed such extreme bullying it caused a young boy to kill himself and for the father to take revenge on those who killed his son. The only survivor was Josh Redding, who had been set up by the men in charge of the school.

"I wouldn't send Henry that far away," said JJ sipping her coffee.

"My daughter is Deaf that excludes her right off the bat," said Spencer. Garcia grinned and she leaned in close to them.

"What is going on with Strauss? She's scaring me...more so than usual." Spencer looked and saw that Strauss was reading over a file, however she hadn't turned the page and it had been a good twenty minutes.

"Well this was the Director's school. I imagine that she has a lot of explaining to do about why the Superintendent Massey was arrested and being charged with murder," said JJ.

"If he went there he could have been a victim of bullying also so maybe this won't come as too much of a shock about Massey," said Spencer. Spencer didn't want to say anything, but he had his thoughts on Strauss. _Like knows like._ She had smelled of alcohol at the Senate hearing and her behavior seemed off during this outing. She had been paired with Morgan to work and he seemed more concerned about her than annoyed. A part of him wasn't surprised that Strauss might have a problem with alcohol. _She's an Alpha female, a consummate control freak and overly ambitious. Family life didn't interfer with her career advancement, her children are most likely out of the house by now so other than her career, what does she have? _

The plane touched down in Virginia and they collected there bags. His cell phone went off with a text from Catherine that she was going to the school to watch the kids performance and that Abby was with Laura. He was texting her back that he would meet her there when Strauss went to get her bag from the overhead compartment.

"Damn it," she muttered. Her bag fell out of the compartment and almost hit her. The contents fell out to the ground. Spencer pocketed his phone and went to help her pick up her things.

"Here," he handed her some papers that had fallen out, she took them from him and he noticed her hands were shaking.

"Thank you Dr. Reid." She shoved the rest of her things quickly in the bag and they walked off the plane. "How's your daughter?" Spencer was slightly stunned, he had a feeling that if not for the paperwork she had to sign approving his leave she might have forgotten he had a daughter.

"She's fine...she's a little over a month old now." Spencer got into a SUV with JJ and Garcia. Strauss got into her own SUV and they headed back to the BAU.

"You ok?" asked JJ.

"Strauss asked me how Abby was."

"Maybe this is her doppelganger," said Garcia.

"Do we want to keep this one?" asked JJ.

"I don't know, both seem frightening in different ways," admitted Spencer.

…...

_I need some time just deliver the things that I need for now/Everything that I feel's like a warm deep calm casting over me/ And it's taking me to somewhere new__  
><em>

_ If you believe that everything's alright/You won't be all alone tonight/And I'd be blessed by the light of your company/Slowly lifting me to somewhere new_

Spencer took his seat next to Catherine just as the kids from her choir started their number. She smiled at him and took his hand, she had helped pick out the songs they were performing this evening for their invitational.

"They look so good up there," signed Catherine.

"You and Kyle did a good job with them," signed Spencer. He got to watch them perform their set and they got a standing ovation when they finished. They watched two other choirs perform when his cell vibrated. It was John from the group, it was rare for John to text him so it was clearly important.

_Sorry to brother you right now, but can you meet me at my house? I have someone here you need to talk to_. Catherine looked over at him.

"Work?" she asked.

"Not really. I'll meet you at home ok." Catherine kissed him and he took a train back into Virginia and than got a cab to John's house. John's car was in the driveway along with a car he didn't recognize. He had been here once or twice to talk to John. John had acted as his sponser after he joined the group. Spencer hadn't gone to a meeting since Abby's birth, he just had no need to go. Spencer knocked on the door and John's wife, Amy answered the door.

"Hello Spencer, it's good to see you again." They had met a few times at the open meetings when family was invited to come and speak.

"You too. Did you get Catherine's thank you card?" They had sent Catherine flowers after she had Abby along with a stuffed dog.

"I did, your wife is a sweet woman. John is waiting for you in his office." Amy went back upstairs and Spencer went down the hall towards John office. The door was shut and he knocked to let John know that he was there before letting himself in. John was sitting in a chair and a woman was sitting with her back to him.

"Good evening Spencer," said John. The woman turned around and Spencer felt like a deer in headlights. There sat Erin Struass, her eyes looked red rimmed from crying and she just looked exhausted.

"Really John! Really! It's bad enough that Aaron and Derek are trying to ruin me, but...really!" snapped Struass.

"Erin. Stop it right now. Spencer, please take a seat." Spencer nervousnessly took a seat next to her. "Now, I know you won't listen to me. Even though we've known each other for over two decades. You won't listen to your husband. You won't listen to Hotchner or Morgan...I'm hoping that maybe you'll listen to someone else who has been in your shoes in a way." Struass looked at him and Spencer was worried now about how she would use this against Hotch.

"This stays in this room Erin! You tell anyone what I have told you or what Spencer is about to tell you I promise that I will find a way to ruin you." Struass looked down at her hands and went quiet.

"I'm sorry Dr. Reid," she said softly.

"That's better," said John. "Spencer, would you be kind enough to explain to Erin how we became acquainted?"

"We...we um...we met at a support group for recovering addicts. I was abducted by an Un-sub and he forced the drugs on me...but I chose to keep taking them. I've been clean for almost five years now though," said Spencer twisting his wedding ring on his finger.

"Does your wife know?" asked Strauss.

"She found out before I got help and we broke up for a few weeks. We worked through it though."

"See Erin...it doesn't have to be the end of everything." Strauss rolled her eyes.

"I have nothing to work out with Bryan," she snapped.

"So your going to flush over twenty years of marriage down the drain?" asked John. Struass didn't respond and she got out of her chair and looked out the window.

"You see your husband as weak," said Spencer. She turned and glared at him.

"Oh don't you start to profile me Dr. Reid!"

"You see him as weak because he's willing to forgive you despite your faults. For him to forgive you it would mean that you would have had to made a mistake and you don't make mistakes," said Spencer. She glared at him and John spoke up.

"Erin...we've been in shoes and we know what you're going through."

"You have no idea what this will do to my career. I had to work twice as hard as both of you and..."John cut her off.

"Don't give me the speech of because your a woman...blah, blah, blah," snapped John. Spencer was starting to wondered why he had been called her at all.

"Ma'ma...if you set your career aside, don't you want to get better? You have children and..." asked Spencer.

"Don't you bring my children into this! They have nothing to do with this!" Spencer knew that he had hit a nerve and knew he would have to keep going. _This is why John called me here...to try and help._

"You don't want them to see you like this, you don't want them to know that you've made mistakes and have shortcomings just like we all do." She kept glaring at him and he went on. "I was mad when Catherine confronted me about my problem, but if she hadn't I might not have tried to get help or stay clean for the past few years." Her face soften and she turned back towards the window.

"I just...I'm just very tired," said Struass.

"We know Erin," said John.

"I'm going to lose everything," she muttered. Spencer and John gave each other looks, they knew the feeling.

"You can only lose if you don't try," said Spencer. She didn't turn around to look at him and she let out something between a sob and a gasp. John went over to her and put a hand on her shoulder.

"You need help and there is nothing wrong with that," said John.

"I just...I need to go home and think about this," said Struass. Before anything else could be said Struass left the room and they heard her car start and peel out of the driveway. John looked at Spencer and shook his head.

"I'm sorry I had to call you while you were home to try and talk some sense into her," said John.

"How bad is she?" asked Spencer.

"Your boss and Agent Morgan offered to check her into rehab quietly. She didn't like it to say the least. But, I'm hoping we talked some sense into her. You were right about what she thinks about Bryan. He's a good man, writes grants for cancer organizations and has the patience of a saint."

"Don't they all," said Spencer. John took a seat and shook his head.

"How is your wife?"

"She's good...a little sleep deprived, but good."

"Infants will do that to you. How are you. We haven't seen you in awhile."

"I just haven't felt the need to go." John nodded.

"If you happened to be free in the next few weeks would you come in and talk to group. We have a few new members about your age and it might help them to hear from someone their age."

"I can try." John nodded.

"Five years."

"Almost." _It was hard but it was worth it._

…...

Catherine was sitting up in the bed reading when he came home.

"How did the kids do?" asked Spencer. Catherine grinned.

"The placed second and the top three got invited to another competition after Thanksgiving so I get to help come up with a new set list."

"That's great." Spencer went into the bathroom and changed into his pajamas. He came back into the bedroom and sat next to her.

"So what was the call about?"

"Another agent from group needed to talk about a problem they were having." Catherine nodded in understanding.

"Did it help?"

"I think it did." Spencer leaned over and kissed her slowly. It had been five weeks since Abby's birth and he found himself missing the physical intimacy, he had been fearful of hurting her during the last few weeks of her pregnancy so by his count it had been close to ten weeks since he had even attempted to try anything with her. Catherine felt his hands start to creep under her shirt and she felt him position himself on top of her.

"Spencer," she muttered looking up at him.

"Am I hurting you?" he asked getting off her. Catherine shook her head no, but she looked nervous for some reason.

"It's just...I'm not sure if your going to like how I look right now." She was still trying to lose the weight she had gained from Abby not to mention stretch marks and everything else being pregnant had done to her. Spencer gave her that look like she was being ridiculous.

"You have no idea how beautiful you are do you?" Catherine turned red and Spencer started kissing her again. She felt him reposition himself on top of her again and she felt his hands tugging at the hem of her shirt.

"I miss you," signed Spencer sitting up, he had pulled her shirt up so her midsection was exposed. It was unreal to think that just five weeks ago their child had been inside her, the bump that had been present for the past few months was gone.

"I miss you too." Spencer leaned back down and started kissing her again. He went to pull her shirt off when Abby started crying. Catherine felt her baby alarm start to vibrate just as Spencer made that face that just screamed 'Why?'.

"Duty calls," joked Catherine and she went to see what was wrong. When she came back ten minutes later he was asleep. Catherine shook her head, he was clearly exhausted he had been gone for almost three days. She got into bed and wrapped an arm around him. _Night sweetie._

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence. Eric Fromm

Ep's used-Hope and Self Fulfilling Prophecy

Song-Mayday Parade-Stay. Thanks to Samchel4ever for the song suggestion


	63. Chapter four part six

Chapter four part six

Genius is nothing but a great aptitude for patience. George-Louis de Buffon 

"You look really nice," signed Spencer. Catherine was wearing a black skirt and a blue button up shirt. She gave him a smile and he watched her pull her hair back into a bun. They were going to a speaking engagement where Catherine was supposed to be speaking in a round table panel about what it was like being a mother with a disability. He was coming with her tonight since he was leaving later on this evening for Chicago to speak at the Violent Crime seminar with Emily.

Abby was laying in the middle of the bed in purple footie pajamas. Spencer sat down on the bed and Abby started to wave her arms at him and she let out a little shriek. He placed his hand on her stomach and she smiled at him.

"Hi there," he said and he signed it to her. They knew she really wouldn't be able to sign back to them yet, but they figured the sooner they started teaching her it might be easier on them. Spencer watched her hands open and close and she kicked her legs out. At three months old she was more active and alert when he was home. He picked up one of her toys on the bed and waved it in front of her. Her eyes got bigger and she let out that happy shriek.

"You want this?" She tried to grab at her and missed. He gave it to her and watched her grin get bigger. It was a toothless grin, but the resemblance between mother and daughter was clear to him. Catherine sat down on the bed and started playing with Abby's hair.

"Don't get her all wound up before bed or else she won't go to sleep."

"It's important for her to work on her hand/eye coordination," countered Spencer. Catherine just gave him a look and went to get Abby her bottle. Spencer looked down at Abby and let her grab his hand. "Your mom never lets me have any fun." Abby looked up at him and her eyes were still changing color, they looked to be getting darker in color. Catherine came back into the room with a bottle and handed it to him.

"You wanna feed her before we leave?" asked Catherine. Spencer picked her up and took the bottle from Catherine. Abby was cooing to herself and that was a good sign, even though she couldn't hear it was important for her speech development that she was trying to make sounds. Spencer sat down with her and gave her the bottle. Abby's eyes locked with his and he watched her eyes start to get heavy and soon she drifted off to sleep.

Catherine poked her head into the bedroom and looked in on them. Spencer always had this look on his face when he was with Abby, it was just a look of almost shock and wonderment. He didn't get the same amount of time that she got with Abby due to his work schedule and leaving town. Catherine was used to all of Abby's little quarks and mannerism, for him it was always something new to see. She watched him careful place their daughter in her crib, Abby let out a deep sigh and settle into sleep. Catherine came into the room and placed a hand on Spencer's back and he seemed startled by it.

"Does she always do that?" asked Spencer. Abby had one arm thrown off to the side and the other resting on her chest.

"Yeah, she a tosser," signed Catherine. "Do you want to stay here with her and I can tell Savannah not to come over?"

Spencer was somewhat torn, the past few weeks had been filled with cases and him being out of town. Due to the unusual sleep schedule Catherine had been keeping due to Abby or the cases he was on they didn't always get to Skype when they wanted to. When they were home together their focus was on Abby, they would sometimes have an hour or two to themselves to relax and unwind before they both caved into exhaustion. They really hadn't gone out together since Abby's birth and this would be the closest thing they had to date in months.

"I'm good. Besides how often do we actually go out?" asked Spencer. Catherine hugged him again and he saw the door bell light come on in the room and Catherine went to get the door. Spencer watched Abby twitch in sleep and she let a small snore.

"Night." Spencer touched her head carefully and left the room. Savannah was there and Catherine was explaining where they could be reached in case she needed anything.

"She should stay asleep until we get home, but if she should wake up I have bottles in the fridge that just needed warmed up. Thank you for doing this for us."

"It's no problem Mrs. Reid. Hey looking good Doc," teased Savannah looking at him.

"Thank you," said/signed Spencer, he was used the the younger girl's teasing finally. "We're just waiting for Emily to get here."

"So when are you coming back to school for more than just visits?" asked Savannah. Catherine had been coming in for choir practice to visit the kids and help Kyle out once a week.

"Next month," signed Catherine. "Why...you miss me or something?"

"Everyone says the Japanese sub is so boring and that the French sub is just out there and they miss you," said/signed Savannah. Catherine turned a bit pink and Spencer was proud of her in some way. She was a very good teacher and he wasn't surprised that her students wanted her back in the classroom.

"So what is this round table thingy about?" asked Savannah plopping down on the sofa.

"It's about being a mom with 'disabilities'. I'm 'speaking' and so is a professor from Georgetown who is blind, and a civil liberties lawyer who is paralyzed from the waist down. It's sort of about how we deal with issues that 'normal' mothers don't think about," signed Catherine. The door bell light went off again. Spencer went and opened the door, Emily was standing there with her go bag.

"Hey," she came in and sat her bag down. Catherine grinned at Emily and than turned back to Savannah.

"They get to go to Chicago and meet Patricia Cornwell and talk about serial killers and fetishes."

"Awesome," said/signed Savannah. Catherine gave Savannah her money and they left.

"Why are you smirking at me like that?" asked Emily once they got in the car.

"Kyle was in such a good mood this week. How was that date?" asked Catherine. Emily and Kyle had met when they had a New Year's Eve game night at the apartment. Kyle was nice enough and she figured since Hotch was 'training' with a new friend she didn't see why she couldn't make a new friend. _We weren't really dating and he's free to do what he wants._ Kyle was nice enough, he was a single father of a six year old girl, Jody and was fine just having another adult to talk to about movies and he like dancing and played the drums. Emily trusted Catherine's judgment on Kyle and they went out for a causal dinner with his daughter at Five Guys last weekend and went to a movie.

"Yeah it was hot and heavy over the fries and with the kid hanging out," laughed Emily.

"You know that fact that he was willing to let you be around his daughter shows that he is willing to be in a relationship and trusts you," said/signed Spencer.

"Yeah...he's nice, but we're not serious," said/signed Emily.

"The kids claim that 'Mr. Jackson has been acting weird all week and almost giddy.'" signed Catherine. Emily just shook her head and they got in her car and drove over the college part of the campus. Emily felt a little bad that she hadn't called Kyle back yet, despite saying that she would. He was just a really nice guy that seemed normal. _Yeah a nice and normal guy...not in my life,_ thought Emily.

…...

"So I take the first test and I get a line and a dash which really doesn't answer my question. I'm just holding this test and I'm like 'Really...really...I get the defective test!'" signed Catherine and Helen, her 'voice' for the evening were getting a small laugh from the crowd. Spencer shook his head Catherine was always good dealing with a crowd once she got over her nerves and started talking. She told him the trick was to act like you were just talking with people you liked.

"Well I think that's going to wrap up our night here. We would like to thank you three for coming out this evening and to invite the rest of you to join us for appetizers and drinks in the foyer downstairs," said Jonathan who had been the moderator for the round table. The crowd applauded and Catherine and the other speakers got up and we're herded downstairs. Spencer and Emily got up and went to meet Catherine downstairs before they left to catch their flight. It took them awhile to find Catherine in the crowd, she was talking with Principal Leo Scott when they found her and she seemed a little nervous.

"See you," signed Leo and he walked away.

"What was that about?" asked Spencer.

"I don't know, he just wants to talk to me tomorrow afternoon," signed Catherine. He could tell she was worried, there was always talks about cut backs and lay offs due to budgets. Being one of the newest teachers she was always worried about being one of the first to be let go, despite good performances and reviews.

"Catherine if they lay you off while you're on maternity leave than you can sue for discrimination and unfair termination," signed Spencer. She gave him a small smile.

"Thank you." She hugged him and over her shoulder Spencer saw an older woman watching them. The expression on her face was impossible to make out, but she kept staring at them.

"You did a really good job up there," he signed and noticed that the woman walked out of the hall. Emily looked at her watch and they would have to go if they wanted to catch their flight Chicago.

"You want us to sneak you out?" asked Emily.

"Please," signed Catherine. They walked out of the foyer together and Emily went to get the car. Spencer and Catherine were signing to each other about when he would be home and how the talk went that they didn't notice the woman was watching them from her own car parked down the way.

…...

_Just take deep breaths and pretend that you're talking with me or the team. Try starting with a joke, that always helps, _that had been Catherine's advice about public speaking. Considering how often they made him go and speak with classes and recruitment sessions that he would be used to talking in front of large groups of people. Spencer got up after Patricia Cornwell introduced him and winced as static went through the mike when he tried to adjusted it.

"Sorry...Hi, I'm here to speak with you about Paraphilias and it's relationship to violent crime." Spencer looked up and the crowd was just staring at him blankly and it was so quiet he could hear the waiter pouring water. _Jokes...tell a joke... _

"Does anyone know what Dendrophilia is?" The stares...those blank eyes, who is this guy and what in the world is he talking about was all he was getting back. "Yes...a fetish for trees..." There had been a joke in there somewhere, he just couldn't remember it, something to do with tree hugging and hippies that had Catherine in tears from giggling.

"Many serial killers will kill based on whatever paraphilia is driving their sexual impulse. The most common of these are: Biastophilia, Necrophilia, Pedophilia, Piquerism and Sadism." He had this published last month in a crime journal and that was why they asked him to come and speak.

He went on for another thirty minutes breaking down each and explaining how each one drove a serial killer and violent crime. The crowd listened to him, but he could tell that this was not what they expected from an FBI agent. Spencer finished his talk and got a small amount of applause, he went back to his seat with relief. Emily went up next to give her talk about body placement and disposal of victims. Spencer didn't know what it was, but Emily got the room's attention and they sat their listening to her every word. _I could be home right now, I could have given this to Rossi or Morgan and had them read the paper, hell I could have given it to a cadet trainee._

Emily finished her speech and got a much better round of applause than he did. The next speaker got up and he was a crime lab tech from Chicago who did a speech and Power Point about how DNA and lab techniques where become more and more like what was seen in movies. He got the best round of applause and Patricia got up again and thanked them for coming. This ended the afternoon portion of the seminar, maybe if he was lucky he could sneak back to his room and see how her meeting went with Leo since he wasn't scheduled to speak again. People were milling around, getting their books signed by Patricia or talking with the lab tech or with Emily. _No one wants to talk to the tree fetish guy._ He left the meeting room and decided to text Catherine.

"Dr. Reid..." Spencer turned around a kid that couldn't be older than twenty one came up to him. "Hey you were fantastic up there!"

"Um..thank you." _Please don't be serial killer...please don't be a serial killer, _thought Spencer considering that Nathan Harris and Rothchild came up to him after giving lectures the thought wasn't that far fetched.

"Yeah I loved the names of those paraphilias. I have a new list to memorize."

"You like memorizing lists?" asked Spencer a little excited at the fact that so far, this guy seemed normal and they had something in common that even his own wife teased him about.

"Yeah...I'm weird like that," said the guy shrugging.

"No it's not weird at all. I do it all the time," admitted Spencer. "You know we don't normally get people your age here. Are you a student?"

"I'm a senior at Michigan." Spencer reached into his bag and pulled out one of his cards.

"You know you might like the FBI internship program. Unfortunately we're passed the deadline, but if you write me a letter I might be able to pull some strings." He could always talk to John and have him nudge somebody. The kid took the card, but gave Spencer a sort of sad look.

"Um thanks, but I don't think my Board of Directors would let me." Spencer looked at him confused. "I owe a company. Have you heard of Nano-vech?"

"Nano-vech...the Nano-vech that Landis Pharmaceutics is investing a hundred million dollars in Nano-vech?" asked Spencer. He had read about them when his mother was undergoing treatment. They had just started studies with breast cancer, but they wanted to expand to lung cancer. They seemed to be offering an easier form of treatment compared to chemotherapy and Spencer was wondering when they would start human trials. _You own Nano-vech. _This kid looked old enough to be in one of Catherine's classes, not running a company worth millions.

"It's not a done deal yet," said the kid looking embarrassed. "But, hey you were awesome up there and you saved me from a company party downstairs that was a total snooze fest. Keep up the good work." The kid walked away and Spencer was in small state of shock. This kid owned a company worth a ton of money, was doing something incredible and still had the vocabulary of a teenager. _I think my brain just broke._

"Hey who was that?" asked Emily, she had finally managed to get away from the group asking her questions.

"That was the founder of Nano-vech."

"Never heard of it."

"They make medically response nano particles that delivery medication to tumor cells," explained Spencer.

"Still never heard of it."

"You will. He's going to change the world." It was just unreal to him that the kid was going to be changing lives and was still living in a dorm. Spencer decided to head back up to his room when his phone started vibrating, it was from Garcia. He and Emily needed to fly to San Francisco for a case. According to her, it looked like the work of the Zodiac Killer based on the similarities that were at the crime scene. He turned around to Emily and she was getting the same text.

"Duty calls," she said. They agreed to meet in twenty minutes so they could pack up. Spencer went back to his room and packed quickly. They got to the airport, but the next flight wouldn't leave for another hour. Emily went to get them coffee while they waited and he got a text from Catherine wanting to know if he had time to talk. He told her he had time to Skype if she wanted to get on, three minutes later they were connected. Catherine had a huge smile on her face, she clearly hadn't been fired or laid off.

"So what's up?" asked Spencer.

"I got offered tenure," signed Catherine. Spencer was stunned, she had only been teaching for about five years and was still the newest on the staff. The fact that they were offering her tenure meant they wanted to keep her for as long as they could. It meant a pay raise, better benefits and that unless she murdered someone or had sex with a student they would never get rid of her. Her job position was secure until she died or retired.

"Wow," signed Spencer stunned.

"Leo offered me the position this morning. Phyllis decided to retire and that opened up a spot for tenure and he offered it to me. He said that all my reviews had been really good, that my performance over the years had exceeded what they wanted and that if one more student came in and asked when I was coming back from my 'baby vacation' he was going to go nuts. So when I come I just have to sign the paper work and everything is set."

"That's...wow...congratulations," he signed.

"You ok?" asked Catherine. He was happy for her, he really was it was just unreal that at her age and years in teaching that she had been offered tenure so quickly. He was also in a small way jealous that her career seemed to be on a fast track and while he loved his post at the BAU he seemed to be at some sort of standstill.

"Yeah...we just got a call that we have to go to San Francisco for a case so I don't know when I'll be home." Catherine nodded and she looked slightly put out and he knew that he was the reason. She wanted to share her good news with him and he wasn't being very supportive of her.

"Ok...We'll see you when you get home. Love you."

"Love you too," She logged off Skype and Spencer shut off the lap top and put it away. Emily came back with there coffee and waited for their flight. Emily noticed that Spencer didn't seem like himself.

"So...Zodiac. Did you see the movie, it was bad," said Emily.

"Hundreds of books have been written about the Zodiac and countless movies. I think we're looking at a copy cat."

"Or someone coming out of retirement."

…...

Spencer knew it wasn't Zodiac, it was just something in his gut telling him so. The crime scene was just too perfect to be the real Zodiac. They pulled up to the FBI field office and it was already swapped with reporters and some guy going about how his cousin was the Zodiac killer, just released from a Mexican sanitarium. _Really...really you want to be related to the Zodiac?_

"Excuse me, my name is Doctor Spencer Reid. I'm with the Behavioral Analysis Unit. Did your cousin my chance a fan of Wagner, because a CD of the Tragic Overture was sent to us this morning." The man nodded and Spencer just couldn't believe some people.

"He loved Wagner...especially the Tragic Overture. It's him!"

"Oh ok, for the record a CD was not sent to the FBI and the Tragic Overture was written by Brahms not Wagner. So luckily it's not your cousin," said Spencer to the stunned man and Spencer turned back to the cameras. "The FBI would greatly appreciate it if people would stop making false claims to get their fifteen minutes of fame. Thank you," he turned and went into the office. JJ came up behind him with a grin.

"Maybe we should let you handle the press more often."

"Please don't," said Spencer bluntly.

"We have the print out you requested Dr. Reid," said the officer and he sat down at a desk and was stunned by the stack. _Who the hell has time to leave all these comments?_ He started by weeding out the junk comments and going from there. _This is going to be long one..._

…...

"This is yummy," said Jody taking a bite of her chicken nuggets.

"Thank you," said/signed Catherine. She had invited Kyle and Jody over for dinner and she made them chicken nuggets and baked potatoes. Abby was sitting in her play seat and was very interested in her hanging toys. Kyle sat down with them and they had dinner together.

"Congrats on the tenure," said/signed Kyle.

"Thank you," signed Catherine. They finished dinner and put in a movie for Jody so they could talk.

"So at the risk of sounding like a teenage girl did Emily say anything about me?" asked Kyle. Catherine grinned, Kyle reminded her a lot of her father. He was a sweet guy that was devoted to his students and his daughter. She was surprised when he and Emily had hit it off and that Emily agreed to the date.

"She said that she had a good time."

"Any reason she hasn't called back yet?"

"Work. They were in Chicago, but got called out to California for a case," signed Catherine.

"Oh the life of the government man and woman," teased Kyle.

"She likes you as a friend, but you know she has some stuff to work through so don't pressure her."

"She carries a gun, my goal should be to not piss her off." Catherine laughed. Abby started to fuss in her seat and Catherine picked her up and put her on her hip.

"Well duty calls," signed Kyle.

"She's her father all over. They have a routine set in stone...when he's home." Kyle laughed and he collected Jody from the sofa and she thanked Catherine for dinner and the movie. They left and Kyle got Jody in her seat and noticed that an older woman was sitting on a bench outside the apartment building. She had been there when he got here a few hours ago. She was tall with brown hair going gray in places and green eyes.

"Are you alright Miss?" asked Kyle.

"I'm fine thank you," she got off the bench and looked at the building before getting in her car and driving away.

…...

_Not as smart as you think you are. _It was a taunt and it was directed at him. Spencer had cracked the code sent to them by the Un-sub and it should have been a sign that the killer was mocking them, it was the same code used by the Zodiac before and it was just too easy. Spencer took a sip of his rapidly cooling coffee and went back to looking at ciphers that the Un-sub had left them and none of it was making sense, he was distracted by several things.

Spencer twisted his wedding ring and thought to himself about non case related issues. He hadn't had a chance to speak with Catherine since landing and he owed her an apology of sorts for how he reacted about her getting tenure. He hadn't been excited for her the way she got excited for him when he got published or rewarded for his job. She was good at her job and she deserved the tenure they were offering her, the least he could do was be happy for her. He hated to admit to himself that in a small way he had been jealous of her success, the same way he had been slightly jealous of the kid who came up to him in Chicago. Both of them were making a difference in the lives of people, that kid was going to cure cancer someday and Catherine had helped kids get into college, a few had planned to go into law school, others planned on going into teaching or into counseling. She was helping people that would go onto making a bigger difference in the world. What was he doing? He was trying to stop people from killing each other and there seemed to be no end in sight for that, was he making a difference at all?

He had even stunned himself when he signed up for the FBI, honestly despite getting three doctorates he really had no idea what he was going to do with his life. He had debated going into medical school next or some form of medical research to work on Schizophrenia, but something about the BAU caught his attention when he went to Gideon's lecture with Ethan and had been hooked ever since. Now here he was still debating what he was doing with himself. _You can be anything you want to be,_ it was what everyone had told him since he was five and he wondered if he was living up to that. Emily came into the coffee shop, he asked Hotch if he could leave the office so he could work and clear his head and it wasn't working.

"Hey...what's going on with you?" she asked sitting down. He didn't answer and kept circling the ciphers. "Reid, it's me." Emily wasn't going anywhere and he knew she wouldn't go until she got an answer. Spencer put his pen down and looked at her.

"Do you wonder if you lived up to expectations?"

"I beat them. I figured I would be a bored socialite by twenty five." If her mother had it her way, she would be married to some banker or other diplomat with two kids raised by a nanny so she could go to spas and parties.

"I thought I would cure Schizophrenia by the time I was twenty five," admitted Spencer. Instead he found himself trying to shake drug addiction and pick up the pieces of a relationship he had broken. It was getting close to five years since Tobias Henkle had kidnapped him and nearly killed him in Georgia, it was time he had wasted in his life trying to put it back together when if he had asked for help it could have been better faster.

"You know when I was kid people told me I could do anything."

He and Ethan had always competed against each other for the grades when they had been together in school. Catherine who was almost as gifted was willing to get her good grades quietly and not get in the middle of whatever race they were in. It wasn't until her father sent her to a school for the Deaf that she started to come out of that shell and in a manner of speaking, be heard for the first time. Looking back the praise he and Ethan got was never really given to Catherine in childhood when they were in school together briefly. Oh yes people were impressed with her, but she never went out of her way to take the spotlight off them. He could see it now for what it really was, her way of being their friend, even than a willingness to let others go first was there.

"You're afraid that you've left people down?" asked Emily.

"I'm afraid that I've let myself down."  
>"By not curing Schizophrenia?"<p>

"No because...I don't know why I'm in the FBI." His own father had pointed out that people with his talents go into the private sector, make millions and retire by his age. Yet, here he was with a government job and a pension that if he was lucky he could retire in late sixties on. He could be working with Nano-vech or something else, yet here he was looking at dead people.

"I see. You are a genius and yet you have the same job as me, Morgan, JJ," said Emily.

"Yeah exactly," Than he caught what she was doing, putting herself down to make him feel better. "Wait, what...no that's not what I'm saying. It's just sometimes I get this feeling that I could be doing more with my life." Emily just looked at him stunned and laughed.

"What are you...twenty nine and," Spencer cut her off.

"I'm thirty." Emily was stunned into silence for a moment and she felt bad, they missed a milestone birthday for him and neither he or Catherine had said anything.

"We missed your birthday. Why didn't you tell us?"

"We were on a case and Catherine went into labor...I even forgot about it until Catherine reminded me."

"The point is that you are young there is still time to do stuff."

"By the time Nikola Tesla was thirty he had invented the induction motor." Emily just shook her head.

"You know you are right. You don't hear that much about child prodigies once they grow up. In fact a lot of them turn out to be very boring."

"That's not true. Are you trying to reverse psychological me?" asked Spencer trying to not laugh. Emily sighed and took his paper and pen. "What are you doing?" he asked as she circled things on the paper.

"Since you told me yourself that you're washed up I might as well take a crack at this." She circled things randomly and Spencer cringed.

"Don't do that you're actually going to mess it up." She grinned and circled some other things and he reached over and took it away from her quickly. He looked down to see what she had circled and it was just what Catherine had told him once after staring at a 3D puzzle for too long and not seeing the image. _Sometimes you need to walk away to see what you're missing._ It was there for him to see, the Un-sub second hidden message.

"That's it...China Weekly Post, page F4." Emily pulled out her phone to call Hotch and she looked at him and grinned. She got off with Hotch and grinned.

"Funny," said Spencer.

"Anytime Doctor."

…...

"He's just sitting there...staring at nothing," whispered JJ.

"It's a little creepy," agreed Morgan.

"I can hear you," said Spencer. He had taken everything off of the white board so he look at the case like a blank slate. He had been looking at the case for too long and he couldn't see what he was missing. _This Un-sub has every step planned out, just like a chess game...a chess game...F4...Why did he place that ad on F4. Nothing is accidental. _Spencer got up and starting looking through the pictures.

"Spence are you ok?" asked JJ watching him flip through the photos he had taken down.

"Nothing is accidental, nothing this Un-sub does is accidental. The message in the China Weekly Post was on page F4, why F4?" he asked out loud.

"Because that's where the Classifieds are," said Morgan. Reid had been acting weird since they got here and it was clearly more than lack of sleep.

"It's more than that," said Spencer. "This is a game to him...a giant game. I need an overhead map of the area." JJ wasn't going to ask why, she just went and found a tech who could get them a map and than she called Hotch over to them.

"Ok, just rotate a little more," said Spencer. The tech did as requested and Spencer ask the tech to overlay a chess board on the map. The tech, who was used to the odd requests from field agents didn't even blink at the request. _It's a game...one of the best ever played,_ thought Spencer.

"F4 is a chess square," said Spencer.

"He murdered people according to a chess game?" asked JJ. _Now I have heard everything,_ she thought.

"Specifically game 6 of Fischer vs Spassky in 1972. One of the greatest chess matches every played. All the murder locations correspond to the final three moves that that game," explained Spencer. Hotch called Garcia to have her run a list of chess players and Zodiac followers and Emily just looked at Spencer. _Only you, only you could have seen this and that's why we need you here,_ thought Emily. She called them back twenty minutes later with two names.

"Caleb Rossmore and Harvey Morell, they used to write about the Zodiac in a crime beat column in their Jr. High school paper and I get bonus points because they both have an IQ over 160."

"Where are they?" asked Hotch.

"Still in the area, Rossmore is a city parks employee and Morell is an engineer at a Chinese computer firm," said Garcia. "Morell is about to be married and yes I just sent everything to your e-mail." They pulled up the picture of Harvey and his fiancee Marissa.

"The fiancee looks just like our two female victims," said JJ.

"Maybe Caleb was in love with Marissa," suggested Morgan.

"Or he's scared of losing Harvey," said Emily.

"If he was a child prodigy, he might no longer feel special as an adult and is trying to hold on to Harvey," suggested Spencer.

"I know Spassky forfeited, but what would have been Ficsher's next move?" asked Hotch.

"Spassky would have been checkmated and lost his queen," said Spencer. _He's going to kill Marisa._

…...

Garcia gave them addresses to two of Caleb former workplaces and they split into two teams, Rossi, JJ and Emily went to an old gym and he, Hotch and Morgan went to an old Chinese restaurant that was now closed. Garcia got them more information on the pair, both were child prodigies and both had been questioned in the disappearance of a young boy from their old neighborhood, his picture had been placed in the back of the cab that Caleb most likely had taken Marisa from.

The got out of the SUV and say that the front door was left open and they could hear yelling from the kitchen.

"She is worthless and useless compared to us!" Hotch told Morgan to go around the back, Hotch would take the side and he would take the front. They walked into the kitchen quietly and Caleb's yelling echoed.

"If we kill her now, we'll be long gone before they ever find us," said Caleb. Spencer saw a young dark haired woman with her hands bound behind her back and her once white coat and face were covered in blood and she looked terrified. Caleb was pointing a gun at her and Harvey seemed torn between fear and annoyance about the events in play.

"The police won't catch us because the murders were perfect," said Caleb pleased with himself. "Just like Robbie Shaw's

"That's not entirely true. If they were perfect I wouldn't be here," said Spencer his gun trained on Caleb. Caleb turned his gun on Spencer and Harvey stepped in front of Marisa, trying to appear to be the concerned fiancee.

"I had nothing to do with this," he spat holding his hands up. Caleb looked at him stunned.

"You really went out of your way to impress Harvey...the murders, the chess game...all designed to incite him." Spencer saw Hotch was closing in, all he needed to do was talk Caleb down.

"Yes! He is pathological!" cried Harvey and Caleb looked at him like he was a kicked puppy.

"I don't know if Harvey is the best friend in the world to be selling you out like that. I mean after you killed Robbie Shaw for him, you figured that you two had an unbreakable bond," said Spencer. Caleb nodded sadly.

"He murdered Robbie by himself!" cried Harvey.

"When we took him into the woods and strangled him...I had never seen you so exhilarated." Marisa was crying and was looking at Harvey stunned. Caleb was lowering his gun, so Spencer lowered his and kept talking to Caleb.

"But afterward something changed and you two grew apart."

"I wasn't there!" protested Harvey. Caleb turned his full attention to Harvey and was near tears.

"He pulled away from me. Do you know how much that hurt? I would do anything for you Harvey...I looked up to you."

"You know what I think Harvey, I think killing Robbie Shaw was your idea."

"No!"

"He picked him because his older brother used to pick on us in school." Harvey had the look of man who was losing everything.

"You're successful and charismatic which means you're the dominate and most likely made the plans and Caleb followed them. Let me ask you this though, where did you hide the body."

Listen to me..." started Harvey.

"If I was going to kill somebody and get rid of the body I would probable use sulfuric acid...especially if my father was a chemistry teacher, right Caleb?" asked Spencer. Harvey looked at him horrified, not the sort of horrified you would see on the face of an innocent person being confronted with something horrible. This was the look of a man being confronted with the truth.

"Caleb...don't listen to him he's trying to trick us."

"Do you trust him?" asked Spencer looking at Caleb who was in tears.

"Hey...listen to me...we'll protect each other," said Harvey.

"Oh, I'm sure he will if he's around. I mean he is moving to Shanghai in a few months," said Spencer, Garcia had pulled Harvey work record and there is was in black and white. "He put the transfer in about a year ago. Did your good friend Harvey not tell you that?" Caleb looked hurt beyond belief.

"I was going to tell you," said Harvey and Caleb glared at him.

"Robbie's bones are buried in his parent's backyard," spat Caleb and he tossed the gun down. Marisa was backing away from both men in horror. Morgan came in and cuffed Caleb while Hotch cuffed Harvey. Spencer went over to Marisa and took her outside.

"It's going to be ok," said Spencer. He helped untie her and she hugged herself.

"He...I thought we were all friends and...god...can I go home?" asked Marisa.

"We need to get you checked out first and take your statement first," said Spencer. They watched Harvey being placed in the back of a police car. Marisa took off her engagement ring and handed it to him.

"Can you give this back to Harvey? I don't think I'll be needing it anymore." The ring was huge pink diamond with smaller white diamonds around it, it was easily more than he and Catherine made in year. Marisa was taken away by a paramedic and Spencer walked over to Harvey who was sitting in the police car pissed off. Spencer leaned down and placed the ring in his pocket.

"I think you lost the queen."

…...

Spencer was sitting across from Caleb and he was looking at Spencer filled with rage about Harvey and Marisa and ranting.

"He simply chose her for her breeding that's all! That's all she's good for really, carrying his offspring. I could never figure out why he chose her until just now, they had nothing in common and other than sex I don't see why he wanted her. He could have chosen someone better to breed with." Caleb looked at Spencer's wedding ring, he kept it on this time to see Caleb's reaction to it.

"You're married...why did you marry _her_?"

"Because she's a good person." Caleb scoffed.

"He said the same thing about Marisa...she's an inferior being. Did you pick _Her_ for her stock too?" Spencer was done with interview and he wanted to go home now.

"My wife is an amazing person who is unlike you and Harvey actually cares about people and does wonderful things with her talents," Caleb went to say something and Spencer cut him off. "She has an IQ of 152, is Deaf and managed to learn four different languages so didn't even try to say she's inferior, because as of right now she's home and you're going to be here in a jail cell and will be until my child has great-great-great-great children so think about that."

Spencer stood up and walked out of the interview room and was looking forward to going home. Spencer walked outside and sent Catherine a text.

_Hey we're going to be heading home later on tonight. I should get home early in the morning. _

_ Kay. Kind of tired so I'm going to crash. See you in the morning. _Spencer sighed, she hadn't tried to text him since they Skype in Chicago and he had a feeling that he might have hurt her feelings somewhat by being not more excited for her. They finished up the last of the paper work, went back to the hotel, packed up and headed to the air strip to go home.

…...

Catherine rolled over and grabbed the alarm clock, it was close to eight am and Abby hadn't woken her up. Catherine was used to Abby waking her up by now. Catherine got out of bed and grabbed her bathrobe and went into her daughter's room. She wasn't in her crib and for a split second Catherine's mind went into panic mode. _Oh god where is she? _Than she smelled coffee and French toast. _Wait...Spencer is supposed to be home. _Catherine headed into the kitchen and Abby was there in her chair trying to play with her hanging toys and Spencer was plating breakfast. He turned around and looked at her.

"You weren't supposed to wake up yet," he signed gesturing to the tray that he clearly planned to bring into the bedroom with breakfast for her and a small vase of white tulips.

"My baby alarm went off when she didn't wake me up," signed Catherine. She sat down next to the baby and looked at Spencer. "What time did you get in?"

"About an hour ago, but I slept on the jet so I need to stay awake now to get back on schedule." He took the plate off the tray and sat the breakfast down on the table and sat down across from her.

"This is good," signed Catherine. Spencer sat down with her and they had breakfast together, Spencer suggested they go for a walk after breakfast to help him stay awake. Catherine offered to do the dishes so he could get Abby dressed. He took her into the bedroom and started getting her dressed. It was a little cold outside so he put her in a pair of pink sweats and a pink sweater with a kitty on it, these were clearly from Garcia. She was at the stage where she didn't want to stay still so trying to get her dressed was a challenge. She kept kicking her legs at him and giggling at him.

"You think this is funny huh?" Abby just gave him this look that was so much like Catherine it was unreal. He finished getting her dressed and brushed her hair, it was getting very long and she didn't want to sit still for that either and was starting to get bored and whiny.

"I know this is boring you," he picked her up and looked down at her. He gave her a smile and kissed her on the forehead. "I love you though."

Catherine went and got dressed quickly and they headed out of the park. Abby was in her stroller and she was clearly excited about being outside. Spencer watched her trying to take everything in and she was muttering and babbling out loud.

"She's talkative," signed Spencer.

"I wonder who she got that from," teased Catherine. They headed home when Abby started to get fussy. Catherine fed her and got her down for a mid morning nap.

"So she'll be out for at least two hours so can I ask what you're apologizing for?" asked Catherine sitting down across from him.

"I um...wait how do you know I'm apologizing for something?"

"The last time I got breakfast and flowers in bed was when you thought you lost your wedding ring on a case in Texas and I found it two days later in your jacket pocket. So what did you do...did you drop Abby?"

"I did not drop the baby. Um I wasn't the most...I should have been happier for you when you told me about getting tenure and I wasn't."

"You were working and I know where your head goes when you work and it's miles away."

"No, it was more than that. I was...for a split second...I was jealous of you." Catherine looked at him surprised.

"Why?"

"Because...do you ever feel like you could be doing more with your talents or that you wanted to do something different? That maybe you didn't live up to what people thought you should be." Catherine thought for awhile.

"I wish I would have traveled more. I never got to see South America or China... I think my grandmother would be a little let down with me, I think she was hoping I would move to France and teach there...be a professor like her. Marry some hot French guy name Louis and have lots of little French babies. I'm sure that my dad was pretty disappointed in me when I ran off and married Paul. So can I ask what brought this on?" Spencer sighed and told her about meeting the kid from Nano-vech and how he felt that he wasn't doing enough with his talents. When he was finished she gave him a small smile.

"You want to know what I think and this is going to sound bias, but what you do everyday takes so much courage and strength and I don't know anyone who could do what you do on a daily basis and come back ok. I'm proud of what you do and someday so is Abby...and this is also going to sound bias, but I think one of the greatest things you have ever done or will do in this life is currently down the hall taking her nap."

"You know I wasn't solely responsible for her...I had some help with that." Catherine sort of shrugged and laughed.

"Oh yeah I guess you did." She leaned over and took his hand. "You ok."

"I am now. Thank you." Spencer leaned over and kissed her slowly. "So she's asleep?"

"At least for another hour."

"Good." He fisted her hair in his hands and kissed her again.

…...

"Hey this is Kyle and I can't come to the phone right now, so leave it at the beep and...Hello," The recorded message was soon cut off by Kyle's real voice picking up the phone. Emily mentally kicked herself she had just planned on leaving a message, not speaking to him.

"Um...hey. Sorry I didn't call you sooner," said Emily.

"It's cool. I figured if Spencer was out of town that meant you were too or else I'm really that boring."

"No...no...you are not the boring type. Um...I was wondering if you and Jody were free for lunch?"

"Well Jody is away at Girl's Scout sleep away camp for the weekend...personally I think they are brainwashing her for cookie selling season, but that's another issue...I however am free and I like lunch so if you're ok just hanging out with me..." joked Kyle. Emily couldn't help but laugh, he was just a really nice guy that maybe she should give a chance. They made plans to meet up for lunch and Emily hung up the phone. She forced herself to not bite her nails and sat down. Sergio jumped in her lap and purred. _ Aaron and I were never a real couple and we never really will be...and he's 'seeing' other people so why can't I?_

…...

_She looks so happy...she's married and she has her own daughter now...who am I to just walk into her life again._ Megan watched them from across the park, she watched Catherine look up at her husband and laugh at something he signed to her. Megan watched as he took her hand in his and he interwove his fingers with her and she walked them walk home together. Megan got up and headed back to her own apartment downtown unaware that she was also being watched by someone. _You really think that you have the right to have your child back in your life after you just walk out on them. No...I can't allow that._

…...

"How would you feel about having another baby?" asked Spencer. Catherine looked at him stunned.

"Um...she still is a baby and she's down the hall," signed Catherine. Spencer grinned at her and he went a little pink in the ears.

"I didn't mean now...but maybe when she's older...would you consider having another baby?" Catherine looked at him and he had this serious look on his face like he was worried about what he was about what she was going to tell him.

"You really want to go through all the morning sickness, mood swing, me screaming at you when I'm having said baby..." Spencer cut her off.

"You really weren't that bad compared to things I've read online and...I love you and..." Catherine moved a little closer to him and rested her head on his chest.

"I wasn't sure if you wanted more...I wanna wait till she's at least over a year old ok," said Catherine softly. Spencer kissed the top of her head and she looked up at him and he had this huge smile on his face. Catherine felt his heart beat and and she fell asleep to the beat. Spencer wove his fingers through her hair and knew that had it not been for his job they might not be here right now. His job had helped save her life and that had he not been there for her at that second she wouldn't be here and neither would Abby. _Nothing is accidental._ _My friend, my wife...if there is such a thing as a soul than you are my soul mate_

"I love you."

Love is, above all, the gift of oneself. Jean Anouilh 

Ep's used-True Genius

Notes-We're going to wrap this baby up and start a new story...I've tried sticking to cannon but this season is making me not happy so the next story might steal a few things from the show, but we're going to try and go off script.

I hope that everyone has liked this one and thanks for all the good reviews and adds ^-^

Love it, hate it, leave a review.


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